There She is, She is Taking Her Bath by
Another day when I have done no work. It is maddening. I went
to the office this morning as usual and tonight came home at the
regular time. My wife and I live in an apartment in the Bronx,
here in New York City, and we have no children. I am ten years
older than she. Our apartment is on the second floor and there is
a little hallway downstairs used by all the people in the
If I could only decide whether or not I am a fool, a man
turned suddenly a little mad or a man whose honor has really been
tampered with, I should be quite all right. Tonight I went home,
after something most unusual had happened at the office,
determined to tell everything to my wife. "I will tell her and
then watch her face. If she blanches, then I will know all I
suspect is true," I said to myself. Within the last two weeks
everything about me has changed. I am no longer the same man. For
example, I never in my life before used the word "blanched." What
does it mean? How am I to tell whether my wife blanches or not
when I do not know what the word means? It must be a word I saw
in a book when I was a boy, perhaps a book of detective stories.
But wait, I know how that happened to pop into my head.
But that is not what I started to tell you about. Tonight, as
I have already said, I came home and climbed the stairs to our
When I got inside the house I spoke in a loud voice to my
wife. "My dear, what are you doing?" I asked. My voice sounded
"I am taking a bath," my wife answered.
And so you see she was at home taking a bath. There she
She is always pretending she loves me, but look at her now. Am
I in her thoughts? Is there a tender look in her eyes? Is she
dreaming of me as she walks along the streets?
You see she is smiling. There is a young man who has just
passed her. He is a tall fellow with a little mustache and is
smoking a cigarette. Now I ask you--is he one of the men who,
like myself, does, in a way, keep the world going?
Once I knew a man who was president of a whist club. Well, he
was something. People wanted to know how to play whist. They
wrote to him. "If it turns out that after three cards are played
the man to my right still has three cards while I have only two,
My friend, the man of whom I am now speaking, looks the matter
up. "In rule four hundred and six you will see, etc., etc.," he
My point is that he is of some account in the world. He helps
keep things going and I respect him. Often we used to have lunch
But I am a little off the point. The fellows of whom I am now
thinking, these young squirts who go through the streets ogling
women--what do they do? They twirl their mustaches. They carry
canes. Some honest man is supporting them too. Some fool is their
And such a fellow is walking in the street. He meets a woman
like my wife, an honest woman without too much experience of
life. He smiles. A tender look comes into his eyes. Such deceit.
Such callow nonsense.
And how are the women to know? They are children. They know
nothing. There is a man, working somewhere in an office, keeping
things moving, but do they think of him?
The truth is the woman is flattered. A tender look, that
should be saved and bestowed only upon her husband, is thrown
away. One never knows what will happen.
But pshaw, if I am to tell you the story, let me begin. There
are men everywhere who talk and talk, saying nothing. I am afraid
I am becoming one of that kind. As I have already told you, I
have come home from the office at evening and am standing in the
hallway of our apartment, just inside the door. I have asked my
wife what she is doing and she has told me she is taking a
Very well, I am then a fool. I shall go out for a walk in the
park. There is no use my not facing everything frankly. By facing
everything frankly one gets everything quite cleared up.
Aha! The very devil has got into me now. I said I would remain
cool and collected, but I am not cool. The truth is I am growing
I am a small man but I tell you that, once aroused, I will
fight. Once when I was a boy I fought another boy in the school
yard. He gave me a black eye but I loosened one of his teeth.
"There, take that and that. Now I have got you against a wall. I
will muss your mustache. Give me that cane. I will break it over
your head. I do not intend to kill you, young man. I intend to
vindicate my honor. No, I will not let you go. Take that and
that. When next you see a respectable married woman on the
street, going to the store, behaving herself, do not look at her
with a tender light in your eyes. What you had better do is to go
to work. Get a job in a bank. Work your way up. You said I was an
old goat but I will show you an old goat can butt. Take that and
Very well, you, who read, also think me a fool. You laugh. You
smile. Look at me. You are walking along here in the park. You
are leading a dog.
Where is your wife? What is she doing?
Well, suppose she is at home taking a bath. What is she
thinking? If she is dreaming, as she takes her bath, of whom is
I will tell you what, you who go along leading that dog, you
may have no reason to suspect your wife, but you are in the same
position as myself.
She was at home taking a bath and all day I had been sitting
at my desk and thinking such thoughts. Under the circumstances I
would never have had the temerity to go calmly off and take a
bath. I admire my wife. Ha, ha. If she is innocent I admire her,
of course, as a husband should, and if she is guilty I admire her
even more. What nerve, what insouciance. There is something
noble, something almost heroic in her attitude toward me, just at
With me this day is like every day now. Well, you see, I have
been sitting all day with my head in my hand thinking and
thinking and while I have been doing that she has been going
about, leading her regular life.
She has got up in the morning and has had her breakfast
sitting opposite her husband; that is, myself. Her husband has
gone off to his office. Now she is speaking to our maid. She is
going to the stores. She is sewing, perhaps making new curtains
for the windows of our apartment.
There is the woman for you. Nero fiddled while Rome was
burning. There was something of the woman in him.
A wife has been unfaithful to her husband. She has gone gayly
off, let us say on the arm of a young blade. Who is he? He
dances. He smokes cigarettes. When he is with his companions, his
own kind of fellows, he laughs. "I have got me a woman," he says.
"She is not very young but she is terrifically in love with me.
It is very convenient." I have heard such fellows talk, in the
smoking cars, on trains and in other places.
And there is the husband, a fellow like myself. Is he calm? Is
he collected? Is he cool? His honor is perhaps being tampered
with. He sits at his desk. He smokes a cigar. People come and go.
He is thinking, thinking.
And what are his thoughts? They concern her. "Now she is still
at home, in our apartment," he thinks. "Now she is walking along
a street." What do you know of the secret life led by your wife?
What do you know of her thoughts? Well, hello! You smoke a pipe.
You put your hands in your pockets. For you, your life is all
very well. You are gay and happy. "What does it matter, my wife
is at home taking a bath," you are telling yourself. In your
daily life you are, let us say, a useful man. You publish books,
you run a store, you write advertisements. Sometimes you say to
yourself, "I am lifting the burden off the shoulders of others."
That makes you feel good. I sympathize with you. If you let me,
or rather I should say, if we had met in the formal transactions
of our regular occupations, I dare say we would be great friends.
Well, we would have lunch together, not too often, but now and
then. I would tell you of some real-estate deal and you would
tell me what you had been doing. "I am glad we met! Call me up.
Before you go away, have a cigar."
With me it is quite different. All today, for example, I have
been in my office, but I have not worked. A man came in, a Mr.
Albright. "Well, are you going to let that property go or are you
going to hold on?" he said.
What property did he mean? What was he talking about?
You can see for yourself what a state I am in.
And now I must be going home. My wife will have finished
taking her bath. We will sit down to dinner. Nothing of all this
I have been speaking about will be mentioned at all. "John, what
is the matter with you?" "Aha. There is nothing the matter. I am
worried about business a little. A Mr. Albright came in. Shall I
sell or shall I hold on?" The real thing that is on my mind shall
not be mentioned at all. I will grow a little nervous. The coffee
will be spilled on the table-cloth or I will upset my
"John, what is the matter with you?" What coolness. As I have
already said, what insouciance.
What is the matter? Matter enough.
A week, two weeks, to be exact, just seventeen days ago, I was
a happy man. I went about my affairs. In the morning I rode to my
office in the subway, but, had I wished to do so, I could long
ago have bought an automobile.
But no, long ago, my wife and I had agreed there should be no
such silly extravagance. To tell the truth, just ten years ago I
failed in business and had to put some property in my wife's
name. I bring the papers home to her and she signs. That is the
way it is done.
"Well, John," said my wife, "we will not get us any
automobile." That was before the thing happened that so upset me.
We were walking together in the park. "Mabel, shall we get us an
automobile?" I asked. "No," she said, "we will not get us an
automobile." "Our money," she has said, more than a thousand
times, "will be a comfort to us later."
A comfort indeed. What can be a comfort now that this thing
It was just two weeks, more than that, just seventeen days
ago, that I went home from the office just as I came home
tonight. Well, I walked in the same streets, passed the same
I am puzzled as to what that Mr. Albright meant when he asked
me if I intended to sell the property or hold on to it. I
answered in a noncommittal way. "We'll see," I said. To what
property did he refer? We must have had some previous
conversation regarding the matter. A mere acquaintance does not
come into your office and speak of property in that careless, one
might say, familiar way, without having previous conversation on
the same subject.
As you see I am still a little confused. Even though I am
facing things now, I am still, as you have guessed, somewhat
confused. This morning I was in the bathroom, shaving as usual. I
always shave in the morning, not in the evening, unless my wife
and I are going out. I was shaving and my shaving brush dropped
to the floor. I stooped to pick it up and struck my head on the
bath-tub. I only tell you this to show what a state I am in. It
made a large bump on my head. My wife heard me groan and asked me
what was the matter. "I struck my head," I said. Of course, one
quite in control of his faculties does not hit his head on a
bath-tub when he knows it is there, and what man does not know
where the bath-tub stands in his own house?
But now I am thinking again of what happened, of what has
upset me this way. I was going home on that evening, just
seventeen days ago. Well, I walked along, thinking nothing. When
I reached our apartment building I went in, and there, lying on
the floor in the little hallway, in front, was a pink envelope
with my wife's name, Mabel Smith, written on it. I picked it up
thinking, "This is strange." It had perfume on it and there was
no address, just the name Mabel Smith, written in a bold man's
I quite automatically opened it and read.
Since I first met her, twelve years ago at a party at Mr.
Westley's house, there have never been any secrets between me and
my wife; at least, until that moment in the hallway seventeen
days ago this evening, I had never thought there were any secrets
between us. I have always opened her letters and she had always
opened mine. I think it should be that way between a man and his
wife. I know there are some who do not agree with me but what I
have always argued is I am right.
I went to the party with Harry Selfridge and afterward took my
wife home. I offered to get a cab. "Shall we have a cab?" I asked
her. "No," she said, "let's walk." She was the daughter of a man
in the furniture business and he has died since. Every one
thought he would leave her some money but he didn't. It turned
out he owed almost all he was worth to a firm in Grand Rapids.
Some would have been upset, but I wasn't. "I married you for
love, my dear," I said to her on the night when her father died.
We were walking home from his house, also in the Bronx, and it
was raining a little, but we did not get very wet. "I married you
for love," I said, and I meant what I said.
But to return to the note. "Dear Mabel," it said, "come to the
park on Wednesday when the old goat has gone away. Wait for me on
the bench near the animal cages where I met you before."
It was signed Bill. I put it in my pocket and went
When I got into my apartment, I heard a man's voice. The voice
was urging something upon my wife. Did the voice change when I
came in? I walked boldly into our front room where my wife sat
facing a young man who sat in another chair. He was tall and had
a little mustache.
The man was pretending to be trying to sell my wife a patent
carpet-sweeper, but just the same, when I sat down in a chair in
the corner and remained there, keeping silent, they both became
self-conscious. My wife, in fact, became positively excited. She
got up out of her chair and said in a loud voice, "I tell you I
do not want any carpet-sweeper."
The young man got up and went to the door and I followed.
"Well, I had better be getting out of here," he was saying to
himself. And so he had been intending to leave a note telling my
wife to meet him in the park on Wednesday but at the last moment
he had decided to take the risk of coming to our house. What he
had probably thought was something like this: "Her husband may
come and get the note out of the mail box." Then he decided to
come and see her and had quite accidentally dropped the note in
the hallway. Now he was frightened. One could see that. Such men
as myself are small but we will fight sometimes.
He hurried to the door and I followed him into the hallway.
There was another young man coming from the floor above, also
with a carpet-sweeper in his hand. It is a pretty slick scheme,
this carrying carpet-sweepers with them, the young men of this
generation have worked out, but we older men are not to have the
wool pulled over our eyes. I saw through everything at once. The
second young man was a confederate and had been concealed in the
hallway in order to warn the first young man of my approach. When
I got upstairs, of course, the first young man was pretending to
sell my wife a carpet-sweeper. Perhaps the second young man had
tapped with the handle of the carpet-sweeper on the floor above.
Now that I think of that I remember there was a tapping
At the time, however, I did not think everything out as I have
since done. I stood in the hallway with my back against the wall
and watched them go down the stairs. One of them turned and
laughed at me, but I did not say anything. I suppose I might have
gone down the stairs after them and challenged them both to fight
but what I thought was, "I won't."
And sure enough, just as I suspected from the first, it was
the young man pretending to sell carpet-sweepers I had found
sitting in my apartment with my wife, who had lost the note. When
they got down to the hallway at the front of the house the man I
had caught with my wife began to feel in his pocket. Then, as I
leaned over the railing above, I saw him looking about the
hallway. He laughed. "Say, Tom, I had a note to Mabel in my
pocket. I intended to get a stamp at the postoffice and mail it.
I had forgotten the street number. 'Oh, well,' I thought, 'I'll
go see her!' I didn't want to bump into that old goat, her
"You have bumped into him," I said to myself; "now we will see
who will come out victorious."
I went into our apartment and closed the door.
For a long time, perhaps for ten minutes, I stood just inside
the door of our apartment thinking and thinking, just as I have
been doing ever since. Two or three times I tried to speak, to
call out to my wife, to question her and find out the bitter
truth at once but my voice failed me.
What was I to do? Was I to go to her, seize her by the wrists,
force her down into a chair, make her confess at the risk of
personal violence? I asked myself that question.
"No," I said to myself, "I will not do that. I will use
For a long time I stood there thinking. My world had tumbled
down about my ears. When I tried to speak, the words would not
come out of my mouth.
At last I did speak, quite calmly. There is something of the
man of the world about me. When I am compelled to meet a
situation I do it. "What are you doing?" I said to my wife,
speaking in a calm voice. "I am taking a bath," she answered.
And so I left the house and came out here to the park to
think, just as I have done tonight. On that night, and just as I
came out at our front door, I did something I have not done since
I was a boy. I am a deeply religious man but I swore. My wife and
I have had a good many arguments as to whether or not a man in
business should have dealings with those who do such things; that
is to say, with men who swear. "I cannot refuse to sell a man a
piece of property because he swears," I have always said. "Yes,
you can," my wife says.
It only shows how little women know about business. What I
have always maintained is I am right.
And I maintain too that we men must protect the integrity of
our homes and our firesides. On that first night I walked about
until dinner time and then went home. I had decided not to say
anything for the present but to remain quiet and use finesse, but
at dinner my hand trembled and I spilled the dessert on the
And a week later I went to see a detective.
But first something else happened. On Wednesday--I had found
the note on Monday evening--I could not bear sitting in my office
and thinking perhaps that that young squirt was meeting my wife
in the park, so I went to the park myself.
Sure enough there was my wife sitting on a bench near the
animal cages and knitting a sweater.
At first I thought I would conceal myself in some bushes but
instead I went to where she was seated and sat down beside her.
"How nice! What brings you here?" my wife said smiling. She
looked at me with surprise in her eyes.
Was I to tell her or was I not to tell her? It was a moot
question with me. "No," I said to myself. "I will not. I will go
see a detective. My honor has no doubt already been tampered with
and I shall find out." My naturally quick wits came to my rescue.
Looking directly into my wife's eyes I said: "There was a paper
to be signed and I had my own reasons for thinking you might be
here, in the park."
As soon as I had spoken I could have torn out my tongue.
However, she had noticed nothing and I took a paper out of my
pocket and, handing her my fountain pen, asked her to sign; and
when she had done so I hurried away. At first I thought perhaps I
would linger about, in the distance, that is to say, but no, I
decided not to do that. He will no doubt have his confederate on
the watchout for me, I told myself.
And so on the next afternoon, I went to the office of the
detective. He was a large man, and when I told him what I wanted
he smiled. "I understand," he said, "we have many such cases.
We'll track the guy down."
And so, you see, there it was. Everything was arranged. It was
to cost me a pretty penny but my house was to be watched and I
was to have a report on everything. To tell the truth, when
everything was arranged I felt ashamed of myself. The man in the
detective place--there were several men standing about--followed
me to the door and put his hand on my shoulder. For some reason I
don't understand, that made me mad. He kept patting me on the
shoulder as though I were a little boy. "Don't worry. We'll
manage everything," was what he said. It was all right. Business
is business but for some reason I wanted to bang him in the face
with my fist.
That's the way I am, you see. I can't make myself out. "Am I a
fool, or am I a man among men?" I keep asking myself, and I can't
get an answer.
After I had arranged with the detective I went home and didn't
sleep all night long.
To tell the truth I began to wish I had never found that note.
I suppose that is wrong of me. It makes me less a man, perhaps,
but it's the truth.
Well, you see, I couldn't sleep. "No matter what my wife was
up to I could sleep now if I hadn't found that note," was what I
said to myself. It was dreadful. I was ashamed of what I had done
and at the same time ashamed of myself for being ashamed. I had
done what any American man, who is a man at all, would have done,
and there I was. I couldn't sleep. Every time I came home in the
evening I kept thinking: "There is that man standing over there
by a tree--I'll bet he is a detective." I kept thinking of the
fellow who had patted me on the shoulders in the detective
office, and every time I thought of him I grew madder and madder.
Pretty soon I hated him more than I did the young man who had
pretended to sell the carpet-sweeper to Mabel.
And then I did the most foolish thing of all. One
afternoon--it was just a week ago--I thought of something. When I
had been in the detective office I had seen several men standing
about but had not been introduced to any of them. "And so," I
thought, "I'll go there pretending to get my reports. If the man
I engaged is not there I'll engage some one else."
So I did it. I went to the detective office, and sure enough
my man was out. There was another fellow sitting by a desk and I
made a sign to him. We went into an inner office. "Look here," I
whispered; you see I had made up my mind to pretend I was the man
who was ruining my own fireside, wrecking my own honor. "Do I
make clear what I mean?"
It was like this, you see--well, I had to have some sleep,
didn't I? Only the night before my wife had said to me, "John, I
think you had better run away for a little vacation. Run away by
yourself for a time and forget about business."
At another time her saying that would have been nice, you see,
but now it only upset me worse than ever. "She wants me out of
the way," I thought, and for just a moment I felt like jumping up
and telling her everything I knew. Still I didn't. "I'll just
keep quiet. I'll use finesse," I thought.
A pretty kind of finesse. There I was in that detective office
again hiring a second detective. I came right out and pretended I
was my wife's paramour. The man kept nodding his head and I kept
whispering like a fool. Well, I told him that a man named Smith
had hired a detective from that office to watch his wife. "I have
my own reasons for wanting him to get a report that his wife is
all right," I said, pushing some money across a table toward him.
I had become utterly reckless about money. "Here is fifty dollars
and when he gets such a report from your office you come to me
and you may have two hundred more," I said.
I had thought everything out. I told the second man my name
was Jones and that I worked in the same office with Smith. "I'm
in business with him," I said, "a silent partner, you see."
Then I went out and, of course, he, like the first one,
followed me to the door and patted me on the shoulder. That was
the hardest thing of all to stand, but I stood it. A man has to
And, of course, today both men had to come to my office within
five minutes of each other. The first one came, of course, and
told me my wife was innocent. "She is as innocent as a little
lamb," he said. "I congratulate you upon having such an innocent
Then I paid him, backing away so he couldn't pat me on the
shoulders, and he had only just closed the door when in came the
other man, asking for Jones.
And I had to see him too and give him two hundred dollars.
Then I decided to come on home, and I did, walking along the
same street I have walked on every afternoon since my wife and I
married. I went home and climbed the stairs to our apartment just
as I described everything to you a little while ago. I could not
decide whether I was a fool, a man who has gone a little mad, or
a man whose honor has been tampered with, but anyway I knew there
would be no detectives about.
What I thought was that I would go home and have everything
out with my wife, tell her of my suspicions and then watch her
face. As I have said before, I intended to watch her face and see
if she blanched when I told her of the note I had found in the
hallway downstairs. The word "blanched" got into my mind because
I once read it in a detective story when I was a boy and I had
been dealing with detectives.
And so I intended to face my wife down, force a confession
from her, but you see how it turned out. When I got home the
apartment was silent and at first I thought it was empty. "Has
she run away with him?" I asked myself, and maybe my own face
blanched a little.
"Where are you, dear, what are you doing?" I shouted in a loud
voice and she told me she was taking a bath.
And so I came out here in the park.
But now I must be going home. Dinner will be waiting. I am
wondering what property that Mr. Albright had in his mind. When I
sit at dinner with my wife my hands will shake. I will spill the
dessert. A man does not come in and speak of property in that
offhand manner unless there has been conversation about it