The Diary of C.
Jeames De La
with His Letters
by William Makepeace Thackeray
A LETTER FROM "JEAMES,
JEAMES ON THE
THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE,
ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS.
A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
"Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower
circles in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which
has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family
in Berkeley Square.
"One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a
banker in the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said
he had saved a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to
invest his savings to advantage.
"His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy,
the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy,
Diddler, and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of
his savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty
guineas—the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings,
and perfumery—Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything.
"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand
pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from
a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley
Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having
instructed the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to
apply at the area-bell.
"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P.
by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the
breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited
him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss
Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid
the lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION.
"We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de
la Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which
he has started bears the ancient coat of his race.
"He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of
thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the
next general election on decidedly conservative principles, which
have always been the politics of his family.
"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy
had remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we,
'deserve the fair.'"—Morning Paper.
This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been
put into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they
are written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the
sum on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with
sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such
If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor
callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr.
Plush will do her justice.
* The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers were
"JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
"Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
Come all ye ladies maids so fair—
Vile I a story vill relate
Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
A tighter lad, it is confest,
Neer valked with powder in his air,
Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
"O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
Behind his Master's coach and pair,
To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
He vel became his hagwilletts,
He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
"He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
And o! I vithered vith despair,
Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
(Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,)
You would have thought he vas a lord
Down in our All in Buckley Square.
"Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann,
Ven I've an under'd pound to spare,
To take a public is my plan,
And leave this hojous Buckley Square.'
O how my gentle heart did bound,
To think that I his name should bear.
'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound;
And gev them him in Buckley Square.
"Our master vas a City gent,
His name's in railroads everywhere,
And lord, vot lots of letters vent
Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
My Jeames it was the letters took,
And read them all, (I think it's fair,)
And took a leaf from Master's book,
As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.
Encouraged with my twenty pound,
Of which poor I was unavare,
He wrote the Companies all round,
And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
And how John Porter used to grin,
As day by day, share after share,
Came railvay letters pouring in,
'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.'
"Our servants' All was in a rage—
Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear,
Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
But O! imagine vot I felt
Last Vensday veek as ever were;
I gits a letter, which I spelt
'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.'
"He sent me back my money true—
He sent me back my lock of air,
And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew
To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
With people who your betters are;
James Plush is now a gentleman,
And you—a cook in Buckley Square.
"'I've thirty thousand guineas won,
In six short months, by genus rare;
You little thought what Jeames was on,
Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
I've thirty thousand guineas net,
Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'"
. . . . . .
The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a
flood of tears.
A LETTER FROM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY
"ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845.
"SIR,—Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to
state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was
your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the
delligit feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO
IDEER of being made the subject of newspaper criticism.
"I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my
name in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the
HINMOST PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way
for the public emusemint.
"What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies
of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their
rupsher? Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A
DOGGRIL BALLIT impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time
at least, Mary Hann could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften
witnist it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for
SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as
Mr. Wakley himself.
"With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a
footman in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my
affections to Mary Hann—a feller not five foot six, and with no more
calves to his legs than a donkey—who was always a-ritin (having been
a doctor's boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well
recklex) at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but
of me. He has signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you
lay yourself hopen to a haction for libel for insutting them in your
"It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I
borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can
hall people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No.
And I not only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts:
WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a
silver thimble (which I found in Missus's work- box); secknd, a vollom
of Byrom's poems; third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore,
when we ad a party, of which she was remarkable fond. I treated her
to Hashley's twice, (and halways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and
a THOWSND DELIGIT ATTENTIONS, which I sapose count for NOTHINK.
"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable.
I was gone into a new spear of life—mingling with my native
aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a
hilliterit cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers
of rank genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a
low-born gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy
le tong. So much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A
DOCTOR'S BOY he's unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman.
"That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow
much has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and
what was his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated
Jewdicious, and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and
praps you haven't)—So may you be: if you choose to go in win.
"I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a
hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of
hosses I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in
hany curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my
transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly
my Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I've
jest sold him at 1/4 discount.
"At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my
stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a
confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber—He curls my air; inspex my
accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my
TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which
injuiced me to ingage him.
"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge—I have two
handsom suvvices for dinner—the goold plate for Sundays, and the
silver for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to
my man, 'we will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the
goold), or else the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought
them after realizing on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that
the companys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I help it?
"In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid
Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I
mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my
connexshn with those two railroads.
"So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened
(provisionally) Rosamell—from the French line of which I am Director;
and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,' says
I to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands
are out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The
Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum
"But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has
been to CLEAR MY CARRATER—to show that I came by my money in a
honrable way: that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned
it, and ham indeed grateful for my good fortune.
"To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I
don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You
are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is
more than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the
primmier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder.
Consurvative though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next
Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint.
"Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,
"Your most obeajnt Survnt,
"FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE."
One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He
had no flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were
certainly two days old. He had not above three of the ten chains he
usually sports, and his great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were
deprived of some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with
which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit
to adorn himself.
"How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greeting our
"Scrip be ——," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat,
and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked
about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers,
and showing other signs of agitation. At last, "MR. PUNCH," says he,
after a moment's hesitation, "I wish to speak to you on a pint of
businiss. I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper.
Suckmstances is altered with me. I—I—in a word, CAN you lend me
—L. for the account?"
He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to
mention it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs.
Pump and Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's
eyes. He squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting
to a cab, he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the
Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we
took an inventory. It contained—three tavern-bills, paid; a
tailor's ditto, unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different
companies, twenty-six thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which
the market value we take, on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an
old bit of paper tied with pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with
the initials M. A. H.
In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are
insignificant: as, for instance:—"3rd January—Our beer in the
Suvnts' hall so PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely
MUSS give warning, wood, but for my dear Mary Hann." February 7—
That broot Screw, the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary
Hann boxt his hold hears, served him right. I DATEST Screw,"— and
so forth. Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange operations, until
we come to the time when, having achieved his successes, Mr. James
quitted Berkeley Square and his livery, and began his life as a
speculator and a gentleman upon town. It is from the latter part of
his diary that we make the following
"Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that
by the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a
summ of 20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann
depreshiating the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)—wen I enounced my
abrup intention to cut—you should have sean the sensation among hall
the people! Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or
the slise of the breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I
always detested as a hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk
into the Hupper Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto
Margo. Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and, said, 'Jeames, I
hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you me, I'll stand a pot of beer
"The sickofnts!—that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm
remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for
his precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he
never would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs);
and in regard of Visp—why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest
hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused.
Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink
that I want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and
take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need
to refresh myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified
ajew of these minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the
4 pair back, brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those
hojous livries for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of
St. Jeames Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as
"There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious
to evoid a persnal leave-taking—Mary Hann Oggins, I mean—for my art
is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd
given her previous the infamation of my departure—doing the ansom
thing by her at the same time—paying her back 20 lb., which she'd
lent me 6 months before: and paying her back not only the interest,
but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by
way of boanus. 'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our
rellatif positions in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for
has for your marrying a person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall
gammin,) and so I wish you a good-by, my good gal, and if you want to
better yourself, halways refer to me.'
"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable
kind), but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into
somethink betwigst a laugh a cry, and fell down with her ed on the
kitching dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the
dressing-room bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil
things, my check for 20lb. l0s., on the tabil when she went to hanser
the bell. And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room
nex but one to mine, vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should
come in and say good-by. But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down
stairs, hony desiring Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb,
and requesting permission to take leaf of my lady the famly before my
. . . . . .
"How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what
a sweet gal she was—hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then
she hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin,
indeed! I don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's
his—and has for a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and
her face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my
as she went away!
"Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and
hivory, and I's as blew as Evin.
"I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb—been resolved to
hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!"
"25th.—I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and
have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new
soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they
hall reckonise me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a
footman in disguise hafter all.'"
"28th.—Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a
wopper at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out
'Bravo,' some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says
I, at which heverybody laft.
"I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms
in goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold
waistcoat and dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I
wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double- barreld
opera-glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the
"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four
gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all
that they can do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible
grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in
"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on
the fourth tear?
"What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there!
"P.S.—Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per
cent this very day."
"2nd July.—Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion,
Honorable Capting Trap, sevral hother young swells. Sir John's
carridge there in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass,
and I'm obleged to get hoff and pick it hup, get splashed up to the
his. The gettin on hossback agin is halways the juice hall. Just as
I was on, Desperation begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and
sinks down so on his anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin
over his tail, at which Ballybunnion the hother chaps rord with
"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St.
Helena direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon
Junction,' from Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup
"6th July.—Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh
bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils
through Snowding and Plinlimming.
"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd
in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives forks; Welsh
rabbit after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went
strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly
disagreeble to me.
"It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried
it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue
i's. Why HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety,
it's lors is irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a
serving-made. What would Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
"P.S.—I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money,
halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the
best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen
pound sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the
Countess St. Emilion the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French
could I speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself
halmost sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were
chattering and parlyvooing.
"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we
were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-
beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with
hall this splender!"—
"July 24.—My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely
and chasely furnished—the droring-room with yellow satting and
silver for the chairs and sophies—hemrall green tabbinet curtings
with pink velvet goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster
Carpit, embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, as
handsome as goold can make them, and candle- sticks and shandalers of
the purest Hormolew.
"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round
igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any
number from 8 to 24—to which it is my wish to restrict my parties.
Curtings crimsing damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my
favorite great men decorats the wall—namely, the Duke of Wellington.
There's four of his Grace. For I've remarked that if you wish to
pass for a man of weight and considdration you should holways praise
and quote him. I have a valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of
Prince Halbert—has a Field Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I
despise the vulgar SNEARS that are daily hullered aginst that Igsolted
Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of
the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars has made me Capting.
"The Libery is not yet done.
"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see
it! such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with
Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers.
Goold dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and
gold with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold
Qpid who seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed
on my piller hall sarounded with the finest Mechlin. I have a own
man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House. I've 7
osses: in cors if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment.
"N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the
new lines in prospick equily incouraging.
"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us
fashnabble gents about townd—But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold
that glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of
studdy and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la
Pluche, Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or
lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into
the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover
the exorcisin ground in the Park,—they little think that leader of
the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is.
"Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at
double quick, to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
"First,—in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman
reely is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go
through it 4 times mor.
"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and a sure seat
across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've
suffered from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the
"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have
been surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the
apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my
dancing-master. From six to nine we have walces and polkies—at
nine, 'mangtiang depotment,' as he calls it the manner of hentering a
room, complimenting the ost and ostess compotting yourself at table.
At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my
bow—my master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being
connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me—I hadwance—speak
abowt the weather the toppix of the day in an elegant cussory manner.
Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann—we precede to the festive
bord—complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind,
addressing your neighbor, employing your napking finger-glas, And
then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat
like a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well—soon I shall be able
to inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient
Rum;') the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
"The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins
then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts—Barnits as many
as I chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a
member. Last Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends:
the display was sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that
Dellixy could suggest was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my
right (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of
Staggs, who may be called the Railway Queend, as my friend George
H—— is the Railway King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose,
Prince Towrowski, the great Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the
North, and a skoar of the fust of the fashn. I was in my GLOARY—the
dear Countess and Lady Blanche was dying with lauffing at my joax and
fun—I was keeping the whole table in a roar—when there came a ring
at my door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of
constanation. 'Theres somebody at the door,' says he in a visper.
"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of
a husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this
time I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)—
And so, going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently,
enouncing Mr. Mrs. Blodder.
"I turned gashly pail. The table—the guests—the Countiss—
Towrouski, and the rest, weald round round before my hagitated I's.
IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at
Healing Common, and he—he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But
the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him,
Huncle Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
"Phansy my feelinx."
"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the
room: you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt.
Old Grann looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental
splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, seluting the
company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says— 'Crikey,
Jeames, you've got a better birth here than you ad where you were in
the plush and powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I
says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle
B—-; 'and I hope, mam, now you've ad the kindniss to wisit me, a
little refreshment won't be out of your way.'
"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and
because in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the
hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my
schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many many
a lb; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has
taken tea. But never mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired
hafter your walk.'
"'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, I came in,
in THE CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren,
intarupting her. And I will say the feller showed his nouce good
breeding in this difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle
Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag,
Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.
"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that
sly wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold
Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her
take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was
ableeged to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help
my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the
elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied
the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But,
luckaly for me, she didn't igspose herself much farther: for when
Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I cried out, 'Don't,
my lord,' on which old Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried
out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be
peswaded to speak another word. The presents of the noble gent
heavidently made her uneezy.
"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust
at the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg,
got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of
coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it
was! There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels;
the footmin in peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred
apiece;—and there stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder,
Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my
abandind old parint should come out.
"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone
Fuddlestone, the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is
as stewpid as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as
they witnessed the sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty
Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her little out
of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much
better man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship IS horrified,
though your Grandmother DID take gin for breakfast, don't give her up.
No one ever came to harm yet for honoring their father mother.'
"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all
the good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a
trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said
she should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let
them. But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff.
"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I
muss say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those
fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one
of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.'"
"Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they
har at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, Company. They bow me
out of the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm
worth half a millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is
inkumseavable. I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald
Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle
owns that he has made two thowsnd.
"How the ladies, men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into
Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and
cries out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she
complyments me on my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the
phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some shares.
Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as
poor as Joab—even he condysends to be sivvle to the great De la
Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom, pompus
way, 'to faver him with five minutes' conversation.' I knew what was
coming—application for shares—put him down on my private list.
Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing through Bareacres—hoped
I'd come down and shoot there.
"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There,
old Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a
footman. There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you
come cringing and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY
public place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs,
or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old
buck!' and I see him wince. It does my art good.
"I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred.
Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her
right, of course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was
getting on in my fassanating way—full of lacy ally (as the Marquis
says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked
me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles
Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' house)
grinning over his shoulder at the butler.
"The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the
hall, he came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish
visper. 'Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you,
my old boy.' So I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my
hand, as if I was going to give him a sovaring.
"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just
one on the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been
shot. And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the
grinning scoundrills to pick him up, droav to the Clubb."
"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George,
Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self
that noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of
land of about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous
for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a
pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather,
and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the
places where the rox and stones don't prevent them. Thistles here is
also remarkable fine, and the land is also devided hoff by luxurient
Stone Hedges—much more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or
any of that rubbishing sort of timber: indeed the sile is of that fine
natur, that timber refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres
50L. an acre for this land (the igsact premium of my St. Helena
Shares)—a very handsom price for land which never yielded two
shillings an acre; and very convenient to his Lordship I know, who had
a bill coming due at his Bankers which he had given them. James de la
Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a landed propriator—or
rayther, I should say, is about to reshume the rank dignity in the
country which his Hancestors so long occupied.
"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the
Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of bordered on the
North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler;
on the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect Survare, a young feller of
great emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great
Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton
Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is
reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and
circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with
boatsful of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid sufface—and
a curricle is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with
Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I
MAY be going to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going
to unight my family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has
for some sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort.
"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL,
standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with
a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames
and lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my
grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my
honor as a Gent."
"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to
give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer
in vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop
lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End,
through which cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for
that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little
barging too for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a
hangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis
you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker's
acount, I fear, is in a horrid state."
[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest
to the public:—Memoranda of City dinners—meetings of Directors—
fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always by
the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty," as
previously described, seems to have almost entirely subsided.]
We then come to the following:—
"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett
the following news:—
"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of
"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'"
"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice
"And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator—a Deppaty
Leftnant—a Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a
sayber in my country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at
the head of my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish
'em! How the gals will stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary
Hann would—but nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal.
She's left Sir John's. She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've
heerd say. I hope she's got a good place. Any sumn of money that
would sett her up in bisniss, or make her comfarable, I'd come down
with like a mann. I told my granmother so, who sees her, and rode
down to Healing on porpose on Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in
an anvylope. But she's sent it back, sealed with a thimbill."
Tuesday.—Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B——, rellatiff
to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that
"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,—I THINK you had better be presented as a
Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what
the uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the
Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets,
leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with
leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of
eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer at present, and must
be modified, of coarse. We were called the White Feathers, in those
days. For my part, I decidedly recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.
"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-
room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina,
who will be presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you,
and is anxious to make your acquaintance.
"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake,
my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
"'Yours, very gratefully,
"Note.—Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M
for the cavvlery."
"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that
month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my
"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my
busm was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them
thinking of the great ewent—or if igsosted natur DID clothes my
highlids—the eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers.
Corts, Erls, presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my
dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never
surely igseeded that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially
dremt that Her R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there
was a Cabinit Counsel to detummin whether her was to be bestoad on me
or the Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or
Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious
"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The
Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like
the—the—livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear
before entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing
one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry
Hoffiser, in the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas.
"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself
quite hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as
shuited the presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig- tales
was out of the question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is
praps the finist pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it
under a booshle.
"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have
seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go
there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I
have myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold
tassels as bigg as belpulls.
"Jackit—French gray and silver oringe fasings cuphs, according to
the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, settin hoff
the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus
steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered
pocket ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty,
was, I flatter myself, UNEAK.
"But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At.
The huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet
Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery
Brittn; an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins;
an At which VULGAR PREJIDIS JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down.
I chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of
loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West
Diddlesex Yomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread
hout like a shaving-brush.
"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect
to practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
"This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord
in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair
to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man,
standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort.
Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by
Herl Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made
obasins to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of
unhuttarable loilty towards the British Crownd, then stepping
gracefully hup, (my Dimascus Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so
doink, which at fust was wery disagreeble)—rising hup grasefly, I
say, I flung a look of manly but respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins,
and then ellygntly ritreated backards out of the Roil Presents. I kep
my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym the night before my
presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the sunrice. I
COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the morning I was
drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the
"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will
rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in
life. Has I ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl
goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down
in all my splender and astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To
make this detummination; to horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick
the groomb for delaying to bring it; was with me the wuck of a momint.
The next sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb,
skowering the road to Healing.
"I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with
the cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed
through the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My
snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered
"There was a smell of tea there—there's always a smell of tea
there—the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her;
but ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
"I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to
me subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did
when you arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial,
you were diwine!'
"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions
in the groce carriketure he's made of me."*
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
. . . . . .
"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my
hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish
Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a
charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I
drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and 2
fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St.
Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs—the people huzzaying—the gals
waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins—hall the
winders crowdid to see me pass.
"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came,
for the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with
"What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from
Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting
the crowd, I past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs.
"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one
who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized
instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying
round my Thrown.
"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,—when I
sor on the right of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to
admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased
with an imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe—my trembling knees
halmost rifused their hoffis—I reckleck nothing mor until I was found
phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd
to be standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of
him, igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I
shall say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE
HE FIT HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I
introjuiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the
equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had
the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing,
that Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht
Lady Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George
Godfrey de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in
the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland,
K.T., Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, This young lady was
with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never
lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of
Bewty the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star—in that reath of
Loveliness the sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young
affeckshns had been senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv,
her immidge disappeared in a momink, and left me intransd in the
presnts of Hangelina.
"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow—a grand and hawfle pusnage
her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of
Hostridge phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness
perfickly bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so
delighted to make your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.'
"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the
fair Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see
I've not studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French
phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY
old friend of yours.'
"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty—
"'Hoggins—Mary Ann Hoggins'—ansurred my lady (laffing phit to
splitt her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm
afraid you are a very sad, sad person.'
"'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with
that young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for
hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
"'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all
dying to know."
"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,'
says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the
fassanations of my smile.
"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and
mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the
Countess of Bareacres' train?'—'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady
Hangelina): 'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all
our fortunes—yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to
Captain George Silvertop,'—The Capting bent just one jint of his back
very slitely; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. 'Go and see
for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,' says his Lordship; and vispers
to me, 'a cousin of ours—a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the
feller when he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street,
where it seems a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby
"Thusday Night.—O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle
Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it
in her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my
sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house
with my glas!
"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however—would scarcely
speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I
spose it was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the
box. As if he didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts
for nothink) that people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty."
"Friday.—I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in
the folloring lines—there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's
fond of. I edapted them to that mellady.
"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling
at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick;
said I sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and,
on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my
"'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
"'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
In soft effulgence swells,
When silver jews and balmy breaze
Bend down the Lily's bells;
When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
Has lapt your soal in dreems,
R Hangeline! R lady mine!
Dost thou remember Jeames?
"'I mark thee in the Marble All,
Where Englands loveliest shine—
I say the fairest of them hall
Is Lady Hangeline.
My soul, in desolate eclipse,
With recollection teems—
And then I hask, with weeping lips
Dost thou remember Jeames?
"'Away! I may not tell thee hall
This soughring heart endures—
There is a lonely sperrit-call
That Sorrow never cures;
There is a little, little Star,
That still above me beams;
It is the Star of Hope—but ar!
Dost thou remember Jeames?'
"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I
threw such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at
the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of
uncumtrollable emotium seized her. She put her ankercher to her face
and left the room. I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the
"O Hangelina—My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . .
"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet
Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting
(who seems to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have
beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the
"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in
the Edges with a pistle)—I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a
shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting
gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded
in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's
'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at Mantings, and salected from the
French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sportting
ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on one
hear, a cravatt of yaller green imbroidered satting, a weskit of the
McGrigger plaid, a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, (with large,
motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches osses, and sporting subjix,)
high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, was the simple
hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff my figger in
rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal
istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with
Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my
dressing-case and close.
"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk
of the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer
amongst 'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres
tenantry, where I made a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was
in compliment to a layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and
lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd,
though I know my station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder
kidd gloves. I told him that the purshuit of hagriculture wos the
noblist hockupations of humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of Hengland,
who (under the command of my hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt
Cressy; and I gave him a pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with
two and six in each pocket, as a reward for three score years of
labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought them forrards on a satting
cushing. Has I sat down defning chears selewted the horator; the band
struck up 'The Good Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies
galry; my Hangelina waived her ankasher and kissd her and I sor in
the distans that pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my
"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady
Hangelina's company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded
gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her
which is puffickly admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral
bewty sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor!
I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy.
What can she be to me but a mear recklection—a vishn of former ears?
"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday.
I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady
in a melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which
was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean.
"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I—'A penny for your Ladyship's
thought,' says I.
"'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice,
with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my
thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times,
when both of us were poo—poo—oor,' says Mary Hann, busting out in a
phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I took her and tried to cumft
her: I pinted out the diffrents of our sitawashns; igsplained to her
that proppaty has its jewties as well as its previletches, and that MY
juty clearly was to marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her
(she sobbing and going hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself
came up—'The real Siming Pewer,' as they say in the play.
"There they stood together—them two young women. I don't know
which is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt
help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found
it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A."
"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren—my oan man—a feller I've maid a
fortune for—a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!—a low bred
Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and
treating me to his imperence.
"He's a great big athlatic feller—six foot i, with a pair of black
whiskers like air-brushes—with a look of a Colonel in the harmy—a
dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome from
shuiting this hafternoon—and passing through Lady Hangelina's
flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to
"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money.
We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a
purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames—who's such a snob ('such a
SNOB' was his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him—who's the
laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too—try a
MAN,' says he—'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.'
"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust
out a laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and
intarupt this polite convasation.
"I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to
the young woman—and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to
"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller—all
the colors of the ranebo.
"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
"'It's not your livery,' says he.
"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my
jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy,—and put myself in a hattitude about
which there was NO MISTAYK.
. . . . . .
"He's 2 stone heavier than me—and knows the use of his ands as
well as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't
stand before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little
doubt, but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had
more than 2 rounds.
"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm
writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to
dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and
disfiggrs me dreadfl."
"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my
rangcounter with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral
days, with the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to
form an agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the
injard pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as
pawsable; and (has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs
the Fare') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my
"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis:
but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis,
apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul
visits during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me
messidges by her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the
contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now
it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship
would perscribe—then, agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit
polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair
sof Hangelina could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho!
those dear mothers! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant
young feller, or to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what
awpertunities they WILL give a man! You'd have phansied I was so hill
(on account of my black hi), that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking
and spoon-meat, and jellies, and blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the
latter dellixies (which I ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of
beaf or muttn to hall the kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina
brought them. I et 'em, and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.
"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and
his son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and
hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent
father. 'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and
those of my Lady Bareacres; but I am not—not quite certain about
Lady Angelina's feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not
see the necessity of prudent establishments, and I have never yet been
able to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her family.
These silly creatures prate about love and a cottage, and despise
advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to estimate.'
"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out
at this outrayjus ideer.
"'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,—your
admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond
father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our
"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,—'a barging's a
barging— I'll pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a
STRAYNGER'—(this I said in a sarcastickle toan)—'I wouldn't take
such a LIBBATY. When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of
your estayt. I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and
restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender. But a pig in a
poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by Jeames De la
"And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All
my shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was
sevral thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to
reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new
family of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my
"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin.
'If you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have
married you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a
marter to dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that
"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and
Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow
you were, Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I
liked), 'in your fight with Fitzwarren—to engage a man of twice your
strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an
etroashous folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for
the sake of poor Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see
a man risen to eminence like you, having his heart in the right place.
When is to be the marriage, my boy?'
"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt
a precious sight more than you;'—and I gev him to understand I
didn't want him to put in HIS ore—I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I
prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as
Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well
as any Evy drigoon of 'em all.
"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la
Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that
you will be happy with a person like me?'
"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any
"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep
your eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous
that you begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you
don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's—but you don't mind
"'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for
Mary Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy.
Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a
pang to part with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears),
'but part from her I must.'
"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina,
that melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so
disml—yet she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up
Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
"'It does,' says I—'Hagnies!' (Another laff.)
"'And if—if I don't accept you—you will invade the States of the
Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion
of peace between you!'
"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors
your Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers
morgidged; that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old
pawper; that he owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can
sell him up hoss foot; or set him up agen—THAT'S what I know, Lady
Hangelina,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your
ladyship's pipe and smoke it.'
"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper
"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.—We hear that a matrimonial union is on
the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the
Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates
are situated in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting
"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the
fealinx of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the
hideer of my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted
peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give
me hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as
those of the hopsit secks; and betwigst you and me there WAS mominx,
when I almost wisht that I'd been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the
Lor would have permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas
I was now condemd to be appy with ony one.
"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my
defianced bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery
the great Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a
gent of my qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning
Erald—no, no, I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit
infamation) an account of my famly, my harms and pedigry.
"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my
arms and my adord wife's was drawn quartered; and I got portricks of
me and her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to
be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man
of fashn wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist.
My likenis I presented to Hangelina. It's not considered
flattring—and though SHE parted with it, as you will hear, mighty
willingly, there's ONE young lady (a thousand times handsomer) that
values it as the happle of her hi.
"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for
about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by
Maryhann, though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it
pressing it to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't
got your angellick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book
of Bewty' the same year.
"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known
her—but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in
a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her
brother Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the
follering stanzys about her:—
"LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
"Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark
payges of the Istry of my life!"
"BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
"The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
I stood upon the donjon keep—it is a sacred place,—
Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
"The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray—
St. Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
"'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
"Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
I'll muse on other days, and wish—and wish I were.—A SNOB."
"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle.
They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young
chaps; but the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his
cuttin hoff his 'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the
feller is about 5 fit hi,—as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist
like a gal; and though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal
tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick him,—that is, if I AD
a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is over.
"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
mounted on the haypix of Good Luck—feasting hall the great (like the
Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and
igsample through life), but not forgitting the small—No, my beayvior
to my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart
(what the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for
anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of
close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the
estonishment of my Snyder there, namely an olliffgreen velvyteen
jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns.
These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never should have
eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble sort, and have
that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to either good or bad
"What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was
prepayred for my marridge—the consent of the parents of my Hangelina
was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led
to Himing's halter—the trooso was hordered—the wedding dressis were
being phitted hon—a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy
by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for
Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know
they did the Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has
for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given
away—no not by Hiss Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The
juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs
Storr and Mortimer. The honey- moon I intended to pass in a
continentle excussion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate
(hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my town-house. I waited to cumclude the
putchis untle the Share- Markit which was rayther deprest (oing I
think not so much to the atax of the misrable Times as to the
prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was restored to its elthy toan.
I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3: and
bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely for
the two or three new accounts.
"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv
orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their
accounts. I am the soal of onour—but no gent can pay when he has no
money—it's not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged
three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and
seven of the largist Injar Shawls—it's not MY fault if the
tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady B. declared they
were LOST. I began the world afresh with the close on my back, and
thirteen and six in money, concealing nothink, giving up heverythink,
Onist and undismayed, and though beat, with pluck in me still, and
ready to begin agin.
"Well—it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The
'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The
Bridle apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at
Balong sur Mare—the very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst
in Ill Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop
of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers
were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went to see the
trooso, and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat
(light bloo lined with pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals)
was the hadmaration of all for quiet ellygns. We were to travel only
4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my
Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this worthy gal had quite givn
into it of late, and laught and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the
"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before—aving a
multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to
settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in
horder: my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to
be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride
on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me
"One thing distubbed my mind—two weskts had been sent home. A
blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet
imbridered in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This
hadgitated and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to
Hill Street and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my
HALLINALL; and wear whichever SHE phixt on.
"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared
meost uncommon when I kem in—the footman who was to enounce me laft
I thought—I was going up stairs—
"'Her ladyship's not—not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's
hill in bed.'
"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown
out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter
jined in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his
and on his thy, without the least respect—I say, Huffy, old boy!
ISN'T this a good un?'
"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and
laffing at me?'
"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'—and
indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs—her
sin her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look hod
then to grin too.
"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and
collaring him fit to throttle him—'no raskle of a flunky shall
insult ME,' and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both
of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp—when Mary Hann, jumping
down, says, 'O James! O Mr. Plush! read this'—and she pulled out a
"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina."
"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:—
"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished
pretensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and
have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled
to take. For a long time I could not believe my parents were serious
in wishing to sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare
me. I cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To
the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate by
a few hours, my departure from a home from which they themselves were
about to expel me.
"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom,
as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are
already informed of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor
to consult, even before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope
and feel, before long.
"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your
exquisite feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you.
She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy
which I entreat you to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush,
try—for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, A.
"'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds
are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
"This was hall!—Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin,
and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who
has she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi)
just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with
the noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!
"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is
from the Morning Tatler newspaper:—
"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable
world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by
an event which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and
"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl,
and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been
the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in
all human probability would have contained an account of the marriage
of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ——, daughter of
the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this
ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich
trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent
jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the
elegant marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas!
not destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the
superb carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in
a style of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right
Reverend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to
celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's. What must have
been the feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the
agonized and noble parents of the Lady Angelina—when it was
discovered, on the day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had
fled the paternal mansion! To the venerable Bishop the news of his
noble niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the
waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the
refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him;
immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated
surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at
the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the
exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace,
"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres
can be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to
disturb—impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our
reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion
in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his
incomparable Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which
we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with a cane; another, in
the pursuit of his official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of
water; a third gentleman was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his
Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and
sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of
our establishment confronted the menial, and having severely beaten
him, retired to a neighboring hotel much frequented by the domestics
of the surrounding nobility, and there obtained what we believe to be
the most accurate particulars of this extraordinary occurrence.
"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of
Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:—Lady Angelina had
been promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could
abide that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall.
Previous to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic
capacity. At that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins,
who was living in the quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr.
De la P. was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid
to Lady Angelina—the elopement was arranged between those two. It
was Miss Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved
Mr. Plush of his loss.
"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres,
was ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a
cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No.
19,796, driven by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from
Clonakilty, in the neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon),
and waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley
Square with his vehicle. His young lady, accompanied by her maid,
Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band-box, presently arrived, and
entered the cab with the box: what were the contents of that box we
have never been able to ascertain. On asking her Ladyship whether he
should order the cab to drive in any particular direction, he was told
to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent milliner in Cavendish
Square. On requesting to know whether he should accompany her
Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss Hoggins to go about
"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with
no small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn
Fields, where he lives with his family of nine children. Having
received two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his
regular fare, by the way, would have been only one- and-eightpence),
Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the two last days, passing
them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxication. His replies were
very incoherent in answer to the queries of our reporter; and, had not
that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it is probable he would have
refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the public.
"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER
gentleman (meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers,
and black hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON
SQUARE STATION, and there left them. How he employed his time
subsequently we have stated.
"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have
despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and
shall give his report in a second edition.
"(From our Reporter.)
"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and
Cucumber Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS.
JONES, the gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue
band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted
onwards to SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on
the hind boot, as they are putting to.
"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
"The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock,
the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage
between George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th
Hussars, third son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall,
Yorkshire, and Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of
the present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa
Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the
last-named Earl Bareacres.
(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be
"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight
refreshment of sherry and water—the former the Captain pronounced to
be execrable; and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY
SAME BOTTLE with which the young and noble pair were served, I must
say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the
'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded.
I follow them as soon as the horses have fed.
"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.
"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace,
reached Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the
'Cairngorm Arms'—mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of
"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of
military appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in
smoking a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage,
and the gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my
boy? You have come too late; unless you are come to have some
supper;' or words to that effect. I explained that I was not the
Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Captain Silvertop (for
I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other) of his
"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you,
then?' said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's
attorneys? If you are, you have come too late for the fair.'
"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my
name was J—ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the
establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my
interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank—that the
disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had
caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my
employers were anxious to give the public every particular regarding
an event so singular.
"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way
from London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the
readers of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ——
(the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat)
and you too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman,
seizing me rudely by the collar—and he would have choked me, but
that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in
the hands of this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed,
adding, I believe, 'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain
I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable;
they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called
out, 'Give it him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no
doubt I should have had the better, but that the Captain, joining
suddenly in the general and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when
I fell down, stopped and said, 'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my
marriage-day. Go into the tap, Jims, and order a glass of
brandy-and-water at my expense—and mind I don't see your face
to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it is.'
"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of
his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make
them known that they may call down the indignation of the body of
which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public,
as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a
"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of
my busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee.
Mace thou be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed
on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to
Evn in your be1/2!
"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the
fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they
were married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to
Earl Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me.
Er who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from
that momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, were sent
back—with the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her
Ladyship COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the nex buthday
she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it.
"Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted
me adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister— but
I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh—there was no more money
for THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in
a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly.
"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills,
haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss
didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge
rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids.
Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North
Road. I wented cusses mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I
kickd and rord in my unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht
into it: pummld it, strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop
writhing in my Jint grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim
in the terrible strenth of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting
over the memries of that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot
water in the mawning, the livid copse in the charnill was not payler
than the gashly De la Pluche!
"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I
had not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged
elseware. Hevns huth!—what was it I red there? What was it that
made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?—I red
Rewin in that Share-list—the Pannick was in full hoparation!
. . . . . .
Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is
familliar? My rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated
my bleeding art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I?
Director of twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a
primmium, and worth at least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's
day my Saint Helenas quotid at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my
Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount; my Table Mounting Hottentot Grand
Trunk, no where; my Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought
2000 for the account at 17 primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez,
my Great Central Oregons, prostrit. There was a momint when I thought
I shouldn't be alive to write my own tail!"
(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
calculations, which we pretermit.)
"Those beests, Pump Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and- sixpence:
woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me
waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and then sent out
Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper,
and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I paid the
three-and-six balliance, and never sor 'em mor.
"The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser.
Hagnies, Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon
me. They beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the
Halbany wodn keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of
Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my
apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe
furniture of a man of fashion.' What an adwertisement George Robins
DID make of it; and what a crowd was collected to laff at the prospick
of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller of wine; my picturs—that of
myself included (it was Maryhann, bless her! that bought it, unbeknown
to me); all—all went to the ammer. That brootle Fitzwarren, my
ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the sholder, and said,
'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.'
"I DID go into suvvis—the wust of all suvvices—I went into the
Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial
weeks. Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was
sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart
used to drive hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's
cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young
one? Every one who has an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing
hangel of a Mary Hann! 'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket,
grandmamma?' Mary Hann said. Bless her, she'd already learned to say
grandmamma quite natral: but I didn't go out that way; I went out by
the door a whitewashed man. Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the
day I came out! I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold
ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks; and then
Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in the feller;' and it was
agreed that we should marry."
The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw
the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We
are happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous
The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop.
Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable
prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had
been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married
three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface,
The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was
preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord
Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing
in his accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the
venerable form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira
in his hand; but life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not
All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in
during his episcopacy, He left three hundred thousand pounds—
divided between his nephew and niece—not a greater sum than has been
left by several deceased Irish prelates.
What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon
to state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy,
which does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady
Angelina Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and
affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr.
James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present—
namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune"
public-house, near Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly
frequented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of
business in the neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the
"Butlers' Club" is held.
Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a
higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates
himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected
with this establishment dined at the "Wheel of Fortune" the other day,
and collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he
brought in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a
pint of excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of,
he said—that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at
the Princess's theatre, "without with your leaf or by your leaf," as
he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm
appy—praps betwixt you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my
glass of beer or port (with your elth my suvvice to you, sir,) quite
as much as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss,
which is likely to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife
as my Mary Hann, he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in
our famly, will you give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be
LETTERS OF JEAMES.
JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety
the follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an
olesome warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable
cludgyman in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel
T——, of the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man
was sent to Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was
very nearly being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the
lor. His prospix was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in
Jerming Street, having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum.
"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted
for nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young
man, who took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots;
cleaned his kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to
dine out, took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club—
where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his
alf-pint of Marsally Wine.
"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long befor
sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one,
ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the
Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all
the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His
haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with success; and it
was agreed that as soon as he was called to the bar, when he would
sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor,
he should lead her to the halter.
"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up
his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent
pleader; he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb,
or with his hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no
egstravigancies; he never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of
his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to a theayter unless he got a
horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. If prosperraty was
hever chocked out, it was for that young man.
"But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick
Timmins. The Railway Hoperations began.
"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent
hoccupations of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily,
Frederick took no note of railroads. He did not reckonize the
jigantic revalution which with hiron strides was a walkin over the
country. But they began to be talked of even in HIS quiat haunts.
Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speculatin.
Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock
(of Hexeter), who had lost all his proppaty gambling, had set himself
up again; and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had won a small istate
besides by lucky specklations in the Share Markit.
"HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having
saved 100 lb., he began a writin for shares—using, like an
ickonominicle feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious
igstent. All the Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to
shares—the allottments came tumbling in—he took the primmiums by
fifties and hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes:
his brane world with igsitement.
"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day
about Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole
talk was of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled
full of prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to
say he feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous
habits. He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to
Greenwich or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often:
although the hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so
much more heasily now than before: for now he kep a Broom!
"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin:
in an evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning
to all young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a
moral pint of vu!
"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo
(Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit
ninepence per share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of
palm-oil, or four healthy niggers, African currency)—the shares of
this helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy
man was Fred when, after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he
sold his shares for 250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and Garter'
that very day. I promise you there was no Marsally THERE.
"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose
to 5, he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when
all this money was to be won!'
"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow,
the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word
of honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?'
"'Honor bright,' says Fred.
"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but
went tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of
the streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.
"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting
into his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
. . . . . .
"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which
"'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's
"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since.
His lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain
deplores his absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his
housekeeper; and the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a
paragraf yesterday in the fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High
Life.—The rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place,
is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the
haltered linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble
mislny were once fimiliar,—the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly
so selabrated in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush,
landlord of the 'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me;
that is my haypun which I wear as becomes a publican—those is the
checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin
Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have
drunk Shampang in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier.
As for my wife—that Angel—I've not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy
her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch!
happy in nussing a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my
air to a curl, and my i's to a T!
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but
a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix—which with
all my sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup,
ginteal inquirys as to my Salissator's name, I dispize and scorn
artily. But as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my
jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that
NASHNAL NEWSANCE—the break of Gage.
"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very
nearly had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when
the Lady Angelina S——, daughter of the Earl of B——cres, presented
the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son hair. Nothink would
satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my
wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion.
Captain S—— was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment
to his Lady. I cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me,
my wife, and our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's
residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.
"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad
travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great
Westn, in an eavle Hour.
"We didnt take much luggitch—my wife's things in the ushal
bandboxes—mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's
(called so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small
supply of a few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and
Lady's fingers, for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a
PERDIDGUS APPATITE. Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan
chest for my lady, from Skivary Morris, containing enough Rewbub,
Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady
Hangelina's family and owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby
linning from Mrs. Flummary's in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl
from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a Halderman), a case
marked 'Glass,' from her ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed
away together; had to this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored
Satting Pink lace hangings, held up by a gold tuttle-dove, We had,
ingluding James Hangelo's rattle my umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know—and here, to
our infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we
were in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other
"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my
hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but
seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am
Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi—'James,' says Mary Hann,
'instead of looking at that young lady—and not so VERY young
neither—be pleased to look to our packidges, place them in the other
carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in
the opsit carridg, only missing my umberella baby's rattle; and jest
as I came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the
whizzling injians proclayms the time of our departure,—farewell soop
and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the
umberella. If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have
understood. James Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell;
without his coral: for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring,
which caused all the passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs,
tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like
mad, and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage
from the broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to
desperation, 'I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,'
says she—'and GO INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she—a snatchin the
babby out of my arms. Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after
luggage,' and she began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi,
while she looked after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you
please, mind that packet!—pretty darling— easy with that box, Sir,
its glass—pooooty poppet—where's the deal case, marked arrowroot,
No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a list she had.—And poor little
James went to sleep. The porters were bundling and carting the
various harticles with no more ceremony than if each package had been
"At last—bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the
Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox,
with a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!'
cries Mary Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes
forward to inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls
clinking inside; and Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of
cherry brandy) was dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a
white child's cloak, trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white
"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I
thought I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little
soup; so I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and
went off. There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
. . . . . .
"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered
with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not
speak for some minutes. At last she spoke out—
"'Have you all the small parcels?'
"'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
"'Then give me baby.'
"'Give you what?' says I.
"'Give me baby.'
"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
. . . . . .
"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE
LEDGE AT GLOSTER.
"It all came of the break of gage."
MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
"DEAR MR. PUNCH,—As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my
privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose
primmiture dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted
parents, I must begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of
your valuble collams once more, and hease the public mind about my
"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush
was left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most
disgreeble of complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs.
Jeames might be said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we
rusht into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not
Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp.
"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at
the train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the
luggitch, her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady
Hangelina's baby, the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one
immortial smash; the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as
if it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and
as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my
stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and
wep, and abewsd, and took on about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great
deal mor than she did about a dear little Christian child. 'Don't
talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby' (seshe); 'where's my
bowl?—where's my medsan?—where's my bewtiffle Pint lace?—All in
rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!'
"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite
riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at
Gloster, why your goods is spiled—it's not the fust time they've
been asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time
you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"—they keep it
very good and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going
back to the cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.'
"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not
going to Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss
"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint
by the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and
I lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back
"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in
the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air.
When we got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and
rusht to the station, up to the fatle Bench.
"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's
my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,—dear Mr.
Policeman, give it me—a thousand guineas for it.'
"'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby
have I seen this day except thirteen of my own—and you're welcome to
any one of THEM, and kindly.'
"'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said,
afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time—
pawters clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row
about that there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I
thought my wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?'
"'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he.
"'And blue eyse!' says my wife.
"'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by
this time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a
letter-box,' says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the
broad gauge line, and sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And
it'll be a caution to you, young woman, for the future, to label your
children along with the rest of your luggage.'
"If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may
emadgine I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it
was, we was obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears
they seemed to us), and then away we went.
"'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got
there. 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed
him here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here
gave him some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,'
says he, looking at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.'
"But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this good-
naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your mind.
We'll know in five minutes how he is.'
"'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.'
"'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.'
"And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the
twinkling of a peg-post.
"'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.'
"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.'
"'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back
comes the answer in a Jiffy—
"'C. R. Y. I. N. G.'
"This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann,
who pull'd a very sad face.
"The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;'
and what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't—
"'P. A. P.'
"He was eating pap! There's for you—there's a rogue for you—
there's a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time.
'He'll sleep now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart.
. . . . . .
"If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE
need never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I
promise you—where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where
only yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar.
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
"And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most
precious luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this
year way, why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor
Harris, the Commission, and from
"My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant,