The Card, A Story Of Adventure In The Five Towns
by Arnold Bennett
CHAPTER II. THE
CHAPTER III. THE
WRECKING OF A
CHAPTER V. THE
CHAPTER VI. HIS
CHAPTER VII. THE
RESCUER OF DAMES
RAISING A WIGWAM
CHAPTER IX. THE
CHAPTER X. HIS
CHAPTER XI. IN
CHAPTER XII. THE
A STORY OF ADVENTURE IN THE FIVE TOWNS
First Published (Crown 8vo), February 23rd, 1911
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN
CHAPTER I. THE DANCE
Edward Henry Machin first saw the smoke on the 27th May 1867, in
Brougham Street, Bursley, the most ancient of the Five Towns. Brougham
Street runs down from St Luke's Square straight into the Shropshire
Union Canal, land consists partly of buildings known as “potbanks"
(until they come to be sold by auction, when auctioneers describe them
as “extensive earthenware manufactories") and partly of cottages whose
highest rent is four-and-six a week. In such surroundings was an
extraordinary man born. He was the only anxiety of a widowed mother,
who gained her livelihood and his by making up “ladies' own materials"
in ladies' own houses. Mrs Machin, however, had a speciality apart from
her vocation: she could wash flannel with less shrinking than any other
woman in the district, and she could wash fine lace without ruining it;
thus often she came to sew and remained to wash. A somewhat gloomy
woman; thin, with a tongue! But I liked her. She saved a certain amount
of time every day by addressing her son as Denry, instead of Edward
Not intellectual, not industrious, Denry would have maintained the
average dignity of labour on a potbank had he not at the age of twelve
won a scholarship from the Board School to the Endowed School. He owed
his triumph to audacity rather than learning, and to chance rather than
design. On the second day of the examination he happened to arrive in
the examination-room ten minutes too soon for the afternoon sitting. He
wandered about the place exercising his curiosity, and reached the
master's desk. On the desk was a tabulated form with names of
candidates and the number of marks achieved by each in each subject of
the previous day. He had done badly in geography, and saw seven marks
against his name, in the geographical column, out of a possible thirty.
The figures had been written in pencil. The pencil lay on the desk. He
picked it up, glanced at the door and at the rows of empty desks, and a
neat “2” in front of the 7; then he strolled innocently
forth and came back late. His trick ought to have been found out—the
odds were against him—but it was not found out. Of course it was
dishonest. Yes, but I will not agree that Denry was uncommonly vicious.
Every schoolboy is dishonest, by the adult standard. If I knew an
honest schoolboy I would begin to count my silver spoons as he grew up.
All is fair between schoolboys and schoolmasters.
This dazzling feat seemed to influence not only Denry's career but
also his character. He gradually came to believe that he had won the
scholarship by genuine merit, and that he was a remarkable boy and
destined to great ends. His new companions, whose mothers employed
Denry's mother, also believed that he was a remarkable boy; but they
did not forget, in their gentlemanly way, to call him “washer-woman.”
Happily Denry did not mind.
He had a thick skin, and fair hair and bright eyes and broad
shoulders, and the jolly gaiety of his disposition developed daily. He
did not shine at the school; he failed to fulfil the rosy promise of
the scholarship; but he was not stupider than the majority; and his
opinion of himself, having once risen, remained at “set fair.” It was
inconceivable that he should work in clay with his hands.
When he was sixteen his mother, by operations [**words missing in
original] a yard and a half of Brussels point lace, put [**words
missing in original] Emery under an obligation. Mrs Emery [**words
missing in original] the sister of Mr Duncalf. Mr Duncalf was town
Clerk of Bursley, and a solicitor. It is well known that all
bureaucracies are honey-combed with intrigue. Denry Machin left school
to be clerk to Mr Duncalf, on the condition that within a year he
should be able to write shorthand at the rate of a hundred and fifty
words a minute. In those days mediocre and incorrect shorthand was not
a drug on the market. He complied (more or less, and decidedly less
than more) with the condition. And for several years he really thought
that he had nothing further to hope for. Then he met the Countess.
The Countess of Chell was born of poor but picturesque parents, and
she could put her finger on her great-grandfather's grandfather. Her
mother gained her livelihood and her daughter's by allowing herself to
be seen a great deal with humbler but richer people's daughters. The
Countess was brought up to matrimony. She was aimed and timed to hit a
given mark at a given moment. She succeeded. She married the Earl of
Chell. She also married about twenty thousand acres in England, about a
fifth of Scotland, a house in Piccadilly, seven country seats
(including Sneyd), a steam yacht, and five hundred thousand pounds'
worth of shares in the Midland Railway. She was young and pretty. She
had travelled in China and written a book about China. She sang at
charity concerts and acted in private theatricals. She sketched from
nature. She was one of the great hostesses of London. And she had not
the slightest tendency to stoutness. All this did not satisfy her. She
was ambitious! She wanted to be taken seriously. She wanted to enter
into the life of the people. She saw in the quarter of a million souls
that constitute the Five Towns a unique means to her end, an unrivalled
toy. And she determined to be identified with all that was most serious
in the social progress of the Five Towns. Hence some fifteen thousand
pounds were spent in refurbishing Sneyd Hall, which lies on the edge of
the Five Towns, and the Earl and Countess passed four months of the
year there. Hence the Earl, a mild, retiring man, when invited by the
Town Council to be the ornamental Mayor of Bursley, accepted the
invitation. Hence the Mayor and Mayoress gave an immense afternoon
reception to practically the entire roll of burgesses. And hence, a
little later, the Mayoress let it be known that she meant to give a
municipal ball. The news of the ball thrilled Bursley more than
anything had thrilled Bursley since the signing of Magna Charta.
Nevertheless, balls had been offered by previous mayoresses. One can
only suppose that in Bursley there remains a peculiar respect for land,
railway stock, steam yachts, and great-grandfathers' grandfathers.
Now, everybody of account had been asked to the reception. But
everybody could not be asked to the ball, because not more than two
hundred people could dance in the Town Hall. There were nearly
thirty-five thousand inhabitants in Bursley, of whom quite two thousand
“counted,” even though they did not dance.
Three weeks and three days before the ball Denry Machin was seated
one Monday alone in Mr Duncalf's private offices in Duck Square (where
he carried on his practice as a solicitor), when in stepped a tall and
pretty young woman, dressed very smartly but soberly in dark green. On
the desk in front of Denry were several wide sheets of “abstract"
paper, concealed by a copy of that morning's Athletic News.
Before Denry could even think of reversing the positions of the
abstract paper and the Athletic News the young woman said
“Good-morning!” in a very friendly style. She had a shrill voice and an
“Good-morning, madam,” said Denry.
“Mr Duncalf in?” asked the young woman brightly.
(Why should Denry have slipped off his stool? It is utterly against
etiquette for solicitors' clerks to slip off their stools while
“No, madam; he's across at the Town Hall,” said Denry.
The young lady shook her head playfully, with a faint smile.
“I've just been there,” she said. “They said he was here.”
“I daresay I could find him, madam—if you would——”
She now smiled broadly. “Conservative Club, I suppose?” she said,
with an air deliciously confidential.
He, too, smiled.
“Oh, no,” she said, after a little pause; “just tell him I've
“Certainly, madam. Nothing I can do?”
She was already turning away, but she turned back and scrutinised
his face, as Denry thought, roguishly.
“You might just give him this list,” she said, taking a paper from
her satchel and spreading it. She had come to the desk; their elbows
touched. “He isn't to take any notice of the crossings-out in red ink—
you understand? Of course, I'm relying on him for the other lists, and
I expect all the invitations to be out on Wednesday. Good-morning.”
She was gone. He sprang to the grimy window. Outside, in the snow,
were a brougham, twin horses, twin men in yellow, and a little crowd of
youngsters and oldsters. She flashed across the footpath, and vanished;
the door of the carriage banged, one of the twins in yellow leaped up
to his brother, and the whole affair dashed dangerously away. The face
of the leaping twin was familiar to Denry. The man had, indeed, once
inhabited Brougham Street, being known to the street as Jock, and his
mother had for long years been a friend of Mrs Machin's.
It was the first time Denry had seen the Countess, save at a
distance. Assuredly she was finer even than her photographs. Entirely
different from what one would have expected! So easy to talk to! (Yet
what had he said to her? Nothing—and everything.)
He nodded his head and murmured, “No mistake about that lot!”
Meaning, presumably, that all that one had read about the brilliance of
the aristocracy was true, and more than true.
“She's the finest woman that ever came into this town,” he murmured.
The truth was that she surpassed his dreams of womanhood. At two
o'clock she had been a name to him. At five minutes past two he was in
love with her. He felt profoundly thankful that, for a church
tea-meeting that evening, he happened to be wearing his best clothes.
It was while looking at her list of invitations to the ball that he
first conceived the fantastic scheme of attending the ball himself. Mr
Duncalf was, fussily and deferentially, managing the machinery of the
ball for the Countess. He had prepared a little list of his own of
people who ought to be invited. Several aldermen had been requested to
do the same. There were thus about half-a-dozen lists to be combined
into one. Denry did the combining. Nothing was easier than to insert
the name of E.H. Machin inconspicuously towards the centre of the list!
Nothing was easier than to lose the original lists, inadvertently, so
that if a question arose as to any particular name, the responsibility
for it could not be ascertained without inquiries too delicate to be
made. On Wednesday Denry received a lovely Bristol board, stating in
copper-plate that the Countess desired the pleasure of his company at
the ball; and on Thursday his name was ticked off as one who had
He had never been to a dance. He had no dress-suit, and no notion of
He was a strange, inconsequent mixture of courage and timidity. You
and I are consistent in character; we are either one thing or the other
but Denry Machin had no consistency.
For three days he hesitated, and then, secretly trembling, he
slipped into Shillitoe's, the young tailor who had recently set up, and
who was gathering together the jeunesse doree of the town.
“I want a dress-suit,” he said.
Shillitoe, who knew that Denry only earned eighteen shillings a
week, replied with only superficial politeness that a dress-suit was
out of the question; he had already taken more orders than he could
execute without killing himself. The whole town had uprisen as one man
and demanded a dress-suit.
“So you're going to the ball, are you?” said Shillitoe, trying to
condescend, but, in fact, slightly impressed.
“Yes,” said Denry; “are you?”
Shillitoe started and then shook his head. “No time for balls,” said
“I can get you an invitation, if you like,” said Denry, glancing at
the door precisely as he had glanced at the door before adding 2 to 7.
“Oh!” Shillitoe cocked his ears. He was not a native of the town,
and had no alderman to protect his legitimate interests.
To cut a shameful story short, in a week Denry was being tried on.
Shillitoe allowed him two years' credit.
The prospect of the ball gave an immense impetus to the study of the
art of dancing in Bursley, and so put quite a nice sum of money info
the pocket of Miss Earp, a young mistress in that art. She was the
daughter of a furniture dealer with a passion for the Bankruptcy Court.
Miss Earp's evening classes were attended by Denry, but none of his
money went into her pocket. She was compensated by an expression of the
Countess's desire for the pleasure of her company at the ball.
The Countess had aroused Denry's interest in women as a sex; Ruth
Earp quickened the interest. She was plain, but she was only
twenty-four, and very graceful on her feet. Denry had one or two
strictly private lessons from her in reversing. She said to him one
evening, when he was practising reversing and they were entwined in the
attitude prescribed by the latest fashion: “Never mind me! Think about
yourself. It's the same in dancing as it is in life—the woman's duty
is to adapt herself to the man.” He did think about himself. He was
thinking about himself in the middle of the night, and about her too.
There had been something in her tone... her eye... At the final lesson
he inquired if she would give him the first waltz at the ball. She
paused, then said yes.
On the evening of the ball, Denry spent at least two hours in the
operation which was necessary before he could give the Countess the
pleasure of his company. This operation took place in his minute
bedroom at the back of the cottage in Brougham Street, and it was of a
complex nature. Three weeks ago he had innocently thought that you had
only to order a dress-suit and there you were! He now knew that a
dress-suit is merely the beginning of anxiety. Shirt! Collar! Tie!
Studs! Cuff-links! Gloves! Handkerchief! (He was very glad to learn
authoritatively from Shillitoe that handkerchiefs were no longer worn
in the waistcoat opening, and that men who so wore them were barbarians
and the truth was not in them. Thus, an everyday handkerchief would
do.) Boots!... Boots were the rock on which he had struck. Shillitoe,
in addition to being a tailor was a hosier, but by some flaw in the
scheme of the universe hosiers do not sell boots. Except boots, Denry
could get all he needed on credit; boots he could not get on credit,
and he could not pay cash for them. Eventually he decided that his
church boots must be dazzled up to the level of this great secular
occasion. The pity was that he forgot—not that he was of a forgetful
disposition in great matters; he was simply over-excited—he forgot to
dazzle them up until after he had fairly put his collar on and his
necktie in a bow. It is imprudent to touch blacking in a dress-shirt,
so Denry had to undo the past and begin again. This hurried him. He was
not afraid of being late for the first waltz with Miss Ruth Earp, but
he was afraid of not being out of the house before his mother returned.
Mrs Machin had been making up a lady's own materials all day,
naturally—the day being what it was! If she had had twelve hands
instead of two, she might have made up the own materials of
half-a-dozen ladies instead of one, and earned twenty-four shillings
instead of four. Denry did not want his mother to see him ere he
departed. He had lavished an enormous amount of brains and energy to
the end of displaying himself in this refined and novel attire to the
gaze of two hundred persons, and yet his secret wish was to deprive his
mother of the beautiful spectacle.
However, she slipped in, with her bag and her seamy fingers and her
rather sardonic expression, at the very moment when Denry was putting
on his overcoat in the kitchen (there being insufficient room in the
passage). He did what he could to hide his shirt-front (though she knew
all about it), and failed.
“Bless us!” she exclaimed briefly, going to the fire to warm her
A harmless remark. But her tone seemed to strip bare the vanity of
“I'm in a hurry,” said Denry, importantly, as if he was going forth
to sign a treaty involving the welfare of the nations.
“Well,” said she, “happen ye are, Denry. But th' kitchen table's no
place for boot-brushes.”
He had one piece of luck. It froze. Therefore no anxiety about the
condition of boots.
The Countess was late; some trouble with a horse. Happily the Earl
had been in Bursley all day, and had dressed at the Conservative Club;
and his lordship had ordered that the programme of dances should be
begun. Denry learned this as soon as he emerged, effulgent, from the
gentlemen's cloak-room into the broad red-carpeted corridor which runs
from end to end of the ground-floor of the Town Hall. Many important
townspeople were chatting in the corridor—the innumerable Swetnam
family, the Stanways, the great Etches, the Fearnses, Mrs Clayton
Vernon, the Suttons, including Beatrice Sutton. Of course everybody
knew him for Duncalf's shorthand clerk and the son of the
flannel-washer; but universal white kid gloves constitute a democracy,
and Shillitoe could put more style into a suit than any other tailor in
the Five Towns.
“How do?” the eldest of the Swetnam boys nodded carelessly.
“How do, Swetnam?” said Denry, with equal carelessness.
The thing was accomplished! That greeting was like a Masonic
initiation, and henceforward he was the peer of no matter whom. At
first he had thought that four hundred eyes would be fastened on him,
their glance saying, “This youth is wearing a dress-suit for the first
time, and it is not paid for, either!” But it was not so. And the
reason was that the entire population of the Town Hall was heartily
engaged in pretending that never in its life had it been seen after
seven o'clock of a night apart from a dress-suit. Denry observed with
joy that, while numerous middle-aged and awkward men wore red or white
silk handkerchiefs in their waistcoats, such people as Charles Fearns,
the Swetnams, and Harold Etches did not. He was, then, in the shyness
of his handkerchief, on the side of the angels.
He passed up the double staircase (decorated with white or pale
frocks of unparalleled richness), and so into the grand hall. A scarlet
orchestra was on the platform, and many people strolled about the floor
in attitudes of expectation. The walls were festooned with flowers. The
thrill of being magnificent seized him, and he was drenched in a vast
desire to be truly magnificent himself. He dreamt of magnificence and
boot-brushes kept sticking out of this dream like black mud out of
snow. In his reverie he looked about for Ruth Earp, but she was
invisible. Then he went downstairs again, idly; gorgeously feigning
that he spent six evenings a week in ascending and descending
monumental staircases, appropriately clad. He was determined to be as
sublime as any one.
There was a stir in the corridor, and the sublimest consented to be
The Countess was announced to be imminent. Everybody was grouped
round the main portal, careless of temperatures. Six times was the
Countess announced to be imminent before she actually appeared,
expanding from the narrow gloom of her black carriage like a magic
vision. Aldermen received her—and they did not do it with any excess
of gracefulness. They seemed afraid of her, as though she was
recovering from influenza and they feared to catch it. She had
precisely the same high voice, and precisely the same efficient smile,
as she had employed to Denry, and these instruments worked marvels on
aldermen; they were as melting as salt on snow. The Countess
disappeared upstairs in a cloud of shrill apologies and trailing
aldermen. She seemed to have greeted everybody except Denry. Somehow he
was relieved that she had not drawn attention to him. He lingered,
hesitating, and then he saw a being in a long yellow overcoat, with a
bit of peacock's feather at the summit of a shiny high hat. This being
held a lady's fur mantle. Their eyes met. Denry had to decide
instantly. He decided.
“Hello, Jock!” he said.
“Hello, Denry!” said the other, pleased.
“What's been happening?” Denry inquired, friendly.
Then Jock told him about the antics of one of the Countess's horses.
He went upstairs again, and met Ruth Earp coming down. She was
glorious in white. Except that nothing glittered in her hair, she
looked the very equal of the Countess, at a little distance, plain
though her features were.
“What about that waltz?” Denry began informally.
“That waltz is nearly over,” said Ruth Earp, with chilliness. “I
suppose you've been staring at her ladyship with all the other men.”
“I'm awfully sorry,” he said. “I didn't know the waltz was——”
“Well, why didn't you look at your programme?”
“Haven't got one,” he said naively.
He had omitted to take a programme. Ninny! Barbarian!
“Better get one,” she said cuttingly, somewhat in her role of
“Can't we finish the waltz?” he suggested, crestfallen.
“No!” she said, and continued her solitary way downwards.
She was hurt. He tried to think of something to say that was equal
to the situation, and equal to the style of his suit. But he could not.
In a moment he heard her, below him, greeting some male acquaintance in
the most effusive way.
Yet, if Denry had not committed a wicked crime for her, she could
never have come to the dance at all!
He got a programme, and with terror gripping his heart he asked
sundry young and middle-aged women whom he knew by sight and by name
for a dance. (Ruth had taught him how to ask.) Not one of them had a
dance left. Several looked at him as much as to say: “You must be a
goose to suppose that my programme is not filled up in the twinkling of
Then he joined a group of despisers of dancing near the main door.
Harold Etches was there, the wealthiest manufacturer of his years
(barely twenty-four) in the Five Towns. Also Shillitoe, cause of
another of Denry's wicked crimes. The group was taciturn, critical, and
The group observed that the Countess was not dancing. The Earl was
dancing (need it be said with Mrs Jos Curtenty, second wife of the
Deputy Mayor?), but the Countess stood resolutely smiling, surrounded
by aldermen. Possibly she was getting her breath; possibly nobody had
had the pluck to ask her. Anyhow, she seemed to be stranded there, on a
beach of aldermen. Very wisely she had brought with her no members of a
house-party from Sneyd Hall. Members of a house-party, at a municipal
ball, invariably operate as a bar between greatness and democracy; and
the Countess desired to participate in the life of the people.
“Why don't some of those johnnies ask her?” Denry burst out. He had
hitherto said nothing in the group, and he felt that he must be a man
with the rest of them.
“Well, you go and do it. It's a free country,” said
“So I would, for two pins!” said Denry.
Harold Etches glanced at him, apparently resentful of his presence
there. Harold Etches was determined to put the extinguisher on him.
“I'll bet you a fiver you don't,” said Etches scornfully.
“I'll take you,” said Denry, very quickly, and very quickly walked
“She can't eat me. She can't eat me!”
This was what he said to himself as he crossed the floor. People
seemed to make a lane for him, divining his incredible intention. If he
had not started at once, if his legs had not started of themselves, he
would never have started; and, not being in command of a fiver, he
would afterwards have cut a preposterous figure in the group. But
started he was, like a piece of clockwork that could not be stopped! In
the grand crises of his life something not himself, something more
powerful than himself, jumped up in him and forced him to do things.
Now for the first time he seemed to understand what had occurred within
him in previous crises.
In a second—so it appeared—he had reached the Countess. Just
behind her was his employer, Mr Duncalf, whom Denry had not previously
noticed there. Denry regretted this, for he had never mentioned to Mr
Duncalf that he was coming to the ball, and he feared Mr Duncalf.
“Could I have this dance with you?” he demanded bluntly, but smiling
and showing his teeth.
No ceremonial title! No mention of “pleasure” or “honour.” Not a
trace of the formula in which Ruth Earp had instructed him! He forgot
all such trivialities.
“I've won that fiver, Mr Harold Etches,” he said to himself.
The mouths of aldermen inadvertently opened. Mr Duncalf blenched.
“It's nearly over, isn't it?” said the Countess, still efficiently
smiling. She did not recognise Denry. In that suit he might have been a
Foreign Office attache.
“Oh! that doesn't matter, I'm sure,” said Denry.
She yielded, and he took the paradisaical creature in his arms. It
was her business that evening to be universally and inclusively polite.
She could not have begun with a refusal. A refusal might have dried up
all other invitations whatsoever. Besides, she saw that the aldermen
wanted a lead. Besides, she was young, though a countess, and adored
Thus they waltzed together, while the flower of Bursley's chivalry
gazed in enchantment. The Countess's fan, depending from her arm,
dangled against Denry's suit in a rather confusing fashion, which
withdrew his attention from his feet. He laid hold of it gingerly
between two unemployed fingers. After that he managed fairly well. Once
they came perilously near the Earl and his partner; nothing else. And
then the dance ended, exactly when Denry had begun to savour the
astounding spectacle of himself enclasping the Countess.
The Countess had soon perceived that he was the merest boy.
“You waltz quite nicely!” she said, like an aunt, but with more than
an aunt's smile.
“Do I?” he beamed. Then something compelled him to say: “Do you
know, it's the first time I've ever waltzed in my life, except in a
lesson, you know?”
“Really!” she murmured. “You pick things up easily, I suppose?”
“Yes,” he said. “Do you?”
Either the question or the tone sent the Countess off into carillons
of amusement. Everybody could see that Denry had made the Countess
laugh tremendously. It was on this note that the waltz finished. She
was still laughing when he bowed to her (as taught by Ruth Earp). He
could not comprehend why she had so laughed, save on the supposition
that he was more humorous than he had suspected. Anyhow, he laughed
too, and they parted laughing. He remembered that he had made a marked
effect (though not one of laughter) on the tailor by quickly returning
the question, “Are you?” And his unpremeditated stroke with the
Countess was similar. When he had got ten yards on his way towards
Harold Etches and a fiver he felt something in his hand. The Countess's
fan was sticking between his fingers. It had unhooked itself from her
chain. He furtively pocketed it.
“Just the same as dancing with any other woman!” He told this
untruth in reply to a question from Shillitoe. It was the least he
could do. And any other young man in his place would have said as much
or as little.
“What was she laughing at?” somebody asked.
“Ah!” said Denry, judiciously, “wouldn't you like to know?”
“Here you are!” said Etches, with an inattentive, plutocratic
gesture handing over a five-pound note. He was one of those men who
never venture out of sight of a bank without a banknote in their
pockets— “Because you never know what may turn up.”
Denry accepted the note with a silent nod. In some directions he was
gifted with astounding insight, and he could read in the faces of the
haughty males surrounding him that in the space of a few minutes he had
risen from nonentity into renown. He had become a great man. He did not
at once realise how great, how renowned. But he saw enough in those
eyes to cause his heart to glow, and to rouse in his brain those
ambitious dreams which stirred him upon occasion. He left the group; he
had need of motion, and also of that mental privacy which one may enjoy
while strolling about on a crowded floor in the midst of a considerable
noise. He noticed that the Countess was now dancing with an alderman,
and that the alderman, by an oversight inexcusable in an alderman, was
not wearing gloves. It was he, Denry, who had broken the ice, so that
the alderman might plunge into the water. He first had danced with the
Countess, and had rendered her up to the alderman with delicious gaiety
upon her countenance. By instinct he knew Bursley, and he knew that he
would be talked of. He knew that, for a time at any rate, he would
displace even Jos Curtenty, that almost professional “card” and amuser
of burgesses, in the popular imagination. It would not be: “Have ye
heard Jos's latest?” It would be: “Have ye heard about young Machin,
Then he met Ruth Earp, strolling in the opposite direction with a
young girl, one of her pupils, of whom all he knew was that her name
was Nellie, and that this was her first ball: a childish little thing
with a wistful face. He could not decide whether to look at Ruth or to
avoid her glance. She settled the point by smiling at him in a manner
that could not be ignored.
“Are you going to make it up to me for that waltz you missed?” said
Ruth Earp. She pretended to be vexed and stern, but he knew that she
was not. “Or is your programme full?” she added.
“I should like to,” he said simply.
“But perhaps you don't care to dance with us poor, ordinary people,
now you've danced with the Countess!” she said, with a certain
lofty and bitter pride.
He perceived that his tone had lacked eagerness.
“Don't talk like that,” he said, as if hurt.
“Well,” she said, “you can have the supper dance.”
He took her programme to write on it.
“Why,” he said, “there's a name down here for the supper dance.
'Herbert,' it looks like.”
“Oh!” she replied carelessly, “that's nothing. Cross it out.”
So he crossed Herbert out.
“Why don't you ask Nellie here for a dance?” said Ruth Earp.
And Nellie blushed. He gathered that the possible honour of dancing
with the supremely great man had surpassed Nellie's modest
“Can I have the next one?” he said.
“Oh, yes!” Nellie timidly whispered.
“It's a polka, and you aren't very good at polking, you know,” Ruth
warned him. “Still, Nellie will pull you through.”
Nellie laughed, in silver. The naive child thought that Ruth was
trying to joke at Denry's expense. Her very manifest joy and pride in
being seen with the unique Mr Machin, in being the next after the
Countess to dance with him, made another mirror in which Denry could
discern the reflection of his vast importance.
At the supper, which was worthy of the hospitable traditions of the
Chell family (though served standing-up in the police-court), he learnt
all the gossip of the dance from Ruth Earp; amongst other things that
more than one young man had asked the Countess for a dance, and had
been refused, though Ruth Earp for her part declined to believe that
aldermen and councillors had utterly absorbed the Countess's programme.
Ruth hinted that the Countess was keeping a second dance open for him,
Denry. When she asked him squarely if he meant to request another from
the Countess, he said no, positively. He knew when to let well alone, a
knowledge which is more precious than a knowledge of geography. The
supper was the summit of Denry's triumph. The best people spoke to him
without being introduced. And lovely creatures mysteriously and
intoxicatingly discovered that programmes which had been crammed two
hours before were not, after all, quite full.
“Do tell us what the Countess was laughing at?” This question was
shot at him at least thirty times. He always said he would not tell.
And one girl who had danced with Mr Stanway, who had danced with the
Countess, said that Mr Stanway had said that the Countess would not
tell either. Proof, here, that he was being extensively talked about!
Towards the end of the festivity the rumour floated abroad that the
Countess had lost her fan. The rumour reached Denry, who maintained a
culpable silence. But when all was over, and the Countess was
departing, he rushed down after her, and, in a dramatic fashion which
demonstrated his genius for the effective, he caught her exactly as she
was getting into her carriage.
“I've just picked it up,” he said, pushing through the crowd of
“On! thank you so much!” she said. And the Earl also thanked Denry.
And then the Countess, leaning from the carriage, said, with archness
in her efficient smile: “You do pick things up easily, don't you?”
And both Demo and the Countess laughed without restraint, and the
pillars of Bursley society were mystified.
Denry winked at Jock as the horses pawed away. And Jock winked back.
The envied of all, Denry walked home, thinking violently. At a
stroke he had become possessed of more than he could earn from Duncalf
in a month. The faces of the Countess, of Ruth Earp, and of the timid
Nellie mingled in exquisite hallucinations before his tired eyes. He
was inexpressibly happy. Trouble, however, awaited him.
CHAPTER II. THE WIDOW HULLINS'S HOUSE
The simple fact that he first, of all the citizens of Bursley, had
asked a countess for a dance (and not been refused) made a new man of
Denry Machin. He was not only regarded by the whole town as a fellow
wonderful and dazzling, but he so regarded himself. He could not get
over it. He had always been cheerful, even to optimism. He was now in a
permanent state of calm, assured jollity. He would get up in the
morning with song and dance. Bursley and the general world were no
longer Bursley and the general world; they had been mysteriously
transformed into an oyster; and Denry felt strangely that the
oyster-knife was lying about somewhere handy, but just out of sight,
and that presently he should spy it and seize it. He waited for
something to happen. And not in vain.
A few days after the historic revelry, Mrs Codleyn called to see
Denry's employer. Mr Duncalf was her solicitor. A stout, breathless,
and yet muscular woman of near sixty, the widow of a chemist and
druggist who had made money before limited companies had taken the
liberty of being pharmaceutical. The money had been largely invested in
mortgage on cottage property; the interest on it had not been paid, and
latterly Mrs Codleyn had been obliged to foreclose, thus becoming the
owner of some seventy cottages. Mrs Codleyn, though they brought her in
about twelve pounds a week gross, esteemed these cottages an
infliction, a bugbear, an affront, and a positive source of loss.
Invariably she talked as though she would willingly present them to
anybody who cared to accept— “and glad to be rid of 'em!” Most owners
of property talk thus. She particularly hated paying the rates on them.
Now there had recently occurred, under the direction of the Borough
Surveyor, a revaluation of the whole town. This may not sound exciting;
yet a revaluation is the most exciting event (save a municipal ball
given by a titled mayor) that can happen in any town. If your house is
rated at forty pounds a year, and rates are seven shillings in the
pound, and the revaluation lifts you up to forty-five pounds, it means
thirty-five shillings a year right out of your pocket, which is the
interest on thirty-five pounds. And if the revaluation drops you to
thirty-five pounds, it means thirty-five shillings in your
pocket, which is a box of Havanas or a fancy waistcoat. Is not this
exciting? And there are seven thousand houses in Bursley. Mrs Codleyn
hoped that her rateable value would be reduced. She based the hope
chiefly on the fact that she was a client of Mr Duncalf, the Town
Clerk. The Town Clerk was not the Borough Surveyor and had nothing to
do with the revaluation. Moreover, Mrs Codleyn persumably
[Transcriber's note: sic] entrusted him with her affairs because she
considered him an honest man, and an honest man could not honestly have
sought to tickle the Borough Surveyor out of the narrow path of
rectitude in order to oblige a client. Nevertheless, Mrs Codleyn
thought that because she patronised the Town Clerk her rates ought to
be reduced! Such is human nature in the provinces! So different from
human nature in London, where nobody ever dreams of offering even a
match to a municipal official, lest the act might be construed into an
It was on a Saturday morning that Mrs Codleyn called to impart to Mr
Duncalf the dissatisfaction with which she had learned the news
(printed on a bit of bluish paper) that her rateable value, far from
being reduced, had been slightly augmented.
The interview, as judged by the clerks through a lath-and-plaster
wall and by means of a speaking tube, atoned by its vivacity for its
lack of ceremony. When the stairs had finished creaking under the
descent of Mrs Codleyn's righteous fury, Mr Duncalf whistled sharply
twice. Two whistles meant Denry. Denry picked up his shorthand
note-book and obeyed the summons.
“Take this down!” said his master, rudely and angrily.
Just as though Denry had abetted Mrs Codleyn! Just as though Denry
was not a personage of high importance in the town, the friend of
countesses, and a shorthand clerk only on the surface.
“Do you hear?”
“MADAM”—hitherto it had always been “Dear Madam,” or “Dear Mrs
Codleyn”—“MADAM,—Of course I need hardly say that if, after our
interview this morning, and your extraordinary remarks, you wish to
place your interests in other hands, I shall be most happy to hand over
all the papers, on payment of my costs. Yours truly ... To Mrs
Denry reflected: “Ass! Why doesn't he let her cool down?” Also:
“He's got 'hands' and 'hand' in the same sentence. Very ugly. Shows
what a temper he's in!” Shorthand clerks are always like
that—hypercritical. Also: “Well, I jolly well hope she does chuck him!
Then I shan't have those rents to collect.” Every Monday, and often on
Tuesday, too, Denry collected the rents of Mrs Codleyn's cottages—an
odious task for Denry. Mr Duncalf, though not affected by its
odiousness, deducted 7-1/2 per cent. for the job from the rents.
“That'll do,” said Mr Duncalf.
But as Denry was leaving the room Mr Duncalf called with formidable
In a flash Denry knew what was coming. He felt sickly that a crisis
had supervened with the suddenness of a tidal wave. And for one little
second it seemed to him that to have danced with a countess while the
flower of Bursley's chivalry watched in envious wonder was not, after
all, the key to the door of success throughout life.
Undoubtedly he had practised fraud in sending to himself an
invitation to the ball. Undoubtedly he had practised fraud in sending
invitations to his tailor and his dancing-mistress. On the day after
the ball, beneath his great glory, he had trembled to meet Mr Duncalf's
eye, lest Mr Duncalf should ask him: “Machin, what were you
doing at the Town Hall last night, behaving as if you were the Shah of
Persia, the Prince of Wales, and Henry Irving?” But Mr Duncalf had said
nothing, and Mr Duncalf's eye had said nothing, and Denry thought that
the danger was past.
Now it surged up. “Who invited you to the Mayor's ball?” demanded Mr
Duncalf like thunder.
Yes, there it was! And a very difficult question.
“I did, sir,” he blundered out. Transparent veracity. He simply
could not think of a lie.
“I thought you'd perhaps forgotten to put my name down on the list
of invitations, sir.”
“Oh!” This grimly. “And I suppose you thought I'd also forgotten to
put down that tailor chap, Shillitoe?”
So it was all out! Shillitoe must have been chattering. Denry
remembered that the classic established tailor of the town, Hatterton,
whose trade Shillitoe was getting, was a particular friend of Mr
Duncalf's. He saw the whole thing.
“Well?” persisted Mr Duncalf, after a judicious silence from Denry.
Denry, sheltered in the castle of his silence, was not to be tempted
“I suppose you rather fancy yourself dancing with your betters?”
growled Mr Duncalf, menacingly.
“Yes,” said Denry. “Do you?”
He had not meant to say it. The question slipped out of his mouth.
He had recently formed the habit of retorting swiftly upon people who
put queries to him: “Yes, are you?” or “No, do you?” The
trick of speech had been enormously effective with Shillitoe, for
instance, and with the Countess. He was in process of acquiring renown
for it. Certainly it was effective now. Mr Duncalf's dance with the
Countess had come to an ignominious conclusion in the middle, Mr
Duncalf preferring to dance on skirts rather than on the floor, and the
fact was notorious.
“You can take a week's notice,” said Mr Duncalf, pompously.
It was no argument. But employers are so unscrupulous in an
“Oh, very well,” said Denry; and to himself he said: “Something
must turn up, now.”
He felt dizzy at being thus thrown upon the world—he who had been
meditating the propriety of getting himself elected to the stylish and
newly-established Sports Club at Hillport! He felt enraged, for Mr
Duncalf had only been venting on Denry the annoyance induced in him by
Mrs Codleyn. But it is remarkable that he was not depressed at all. No!
he went about with songs and whistling, though he had no prospects
except starvation or living on his mother. He traversed the streets in
his grand, new manner, and his thoughts ran: “What on earth can I do to
live up to my reputation?” However, he possessed intact the five-pound
note won from Harold Etches in the matter of the dance.
Every life is a series of coincidences. Nothing happens that is not
rooted in coincidence. All great changes find their cause in
coincidence. Therefore I shall not mince the fact that the next change
in Denry's career was due to an enormous and complicated coincidence.
On the following morning both Mrs Codleyn and Denry were late for
service at St Luke's Church—Mrs Codleyn by accident and obesity, Denry
by design. Denry was later than Mrs Codleyn, whom he discovered waiting
in the porch. That Mrs Codleyn was waiting is an essential part of the
coincidence. Now Mrs Codleyn would not have been waiting if her pew had
not been right at the front of the church, near the choir. Nor would
she have been waiting if she had been a thin woman and not given to
breathing loudly after a hurried walk. She waited partly to get her
breath, and partly so that she might take advantage of a hymn or a
psalm to gain her seat without attracting attention. If she had not
been late, if she had not been stout, if she had not had a seat under
the pulpit, if she had not had an objection to making herself
conspicuous, she would have been already in the church and Denry would
not have had a private colloquy with her.
“Well, you're nice people, I must say!” she observed, as he raised
She meant Duncalf and all Duncalf's myrmidons. She was still full of
her grievance. The letter which she had received that morning had
startled her. And even the shadow of the sacred edifice did not prevent
her from referring to an affair that was more suited to Monday than to
Sunday morning. A little more, and she would have snorted.
“Nothing to do with me, you know!” Denry defended himself.
“Oh!” she said, “you're all alike, and I'll tell you this, Mr
Machin, I'd take him at his word if it wasn't that I don't know who
else I could trust to collect my rents. I've heard such tales about
rent-collectors.... I reckon I shall have to make my peace with him.”
“Why,” said Denry, “I'll keep on collecting your rents for you if
“I've given him notice to leave,” said Denry. “The fact is, Mr
Duncalf and I don't hit it off together.”
Another procrastinator arrived in the porch, and, by a singular
simultaneous impulse, Mrs Codleyn and Denry fell into the silence of
the overheard and wandered forth together among the graves.
There, among the graves, she eyed him. He was a clerk at eighteen
shillings a week, and he looked it. His mother was a sempstress, and he
looked it. The idea of neat but shabby Denry and the mighty Duncalf not
hitting it off together seemed excessively comic. If only Denry could
have worn his dress-suit at church! It vexed him exceedingly that he
had only worn that expensive dress-suit once, and saw no faintest hope
of ever being able to wear it again.
“And what's more,” Denry pursued, “I'll collect 'em for five per
cent, instead of seven-and-a-half. Give me a free hand, and see if I
don't get better results than he did. And I'll settle accounts
every month, or week if you like, instead of once a quarter, like he
The bright and beautiful idea had smitten Denry like some heavenly
arrow. It went through him and pierced Mrs Codleyn with equal success.
It was an idea that appealed to the reason, to the pocket, and to the
instinct of revenge. Having revengefully settled the hash of Mr
Duncalf, they went into church.
No need to continue this part of the narrative. Even the text of the
rector's sermon has no bearing on the issue.
In a week there was a painted board affixed to the door of Denry's
E.H. MACHIN, Rent Collector and Estate Agent.
There was also an advertisement in the Signal, announcing
that Denry managed estates large or small.
The next crucial event in Denry's career happened one Monday
morning, in a cottage that was very much smaller even than his
mother's. This cottage, part of Mrs Codleyn's multitudinous property,
stood by itself in Chapel Alley, behind the Wesleyan chapel; the
majority of the tenements were in Carpenter's Square, near to. The
neighbourhood was not distinguished for its social splendour, but
existence in it was picturesque, varied, exciting, full of accidents,
as existence is apt to be in residences that cost their occupiers an
average of three shillings a week. Some persons referred to the quarter
as a slum, and ironically insisted on its adjacency to the Wesleyan
chapel, as though that was the Wesleyan chapel's fault. Such people did
not understand life and the joy thereof.
The solitary cottage had a front yard, about as large as a blanket,
surrounded by an insecure brick wall and paved with mud. You went up
two steps, pushed at a door, and instantly found yourself in the
principal reception-room, which no earthly blanket could possibly have
covered. Behind this chamber could be seen obscurely an apartment so
tiny that an auctioneer would have been justified in terming it
“bijou,” Furnished simply but practically with a slopstone; also the
beginnings of a stairway. The furniture of the reception-room comprised
two chairs and a table, one or two saucepans, and some antique
crockery. What lay at the upper end of the stairway no living person
knew, save the old woman who slept there. The old woman sat at the
fireplace, “all bunched up,” as they say in the Five Towns. The only
fire in the room, however, was in the short clay pipe which she smoked;
Mrs Hullins was one of the last old women in Bursley to smoke a cutty;
and even then the pipe was considered coarse, and cigarettes were
coming into fashion—though not in Chapel Alley. Mrs Hullins smoked her
pipe, and thought about nothing in particular. Occasionally some vision
of the past floated through her drowsy brain. She had lived in that
residence for over forty years. She had brought up eleven children and
two husbands there. She had coddled thirty-five grand-children there,
and given instruction to some half-dozen daughters-in-law. She had
known midnights when she could scarcely move in that residence without
disturbing somebody asleep. Now she was alone in it. She never left it,
except to fetch water from the pump in the square. She had seen a lot
of life, and she was tired.
Denry came unceremoniously in, smiling gaily and benevolently, with
his bright, optimistic face under his fair brown hair. He had large and
good teeth. He was getting—not stout, but plump.
“Well, mother!” he greeted Mrs Hullins, and sat down on the other
A young fellow obviously at peace with the world, a young fellow
content with himself for the moment. No longer a clerk; one of the
employed; saying “sir” to persons with no more fingers and toes than he
had himself; bound by servile agreement to be in a fixed place at fixed
hours! An independent unit, master of his own time and his own
movements! In brief, a man! The truth was that he earned now in two
days a week slightly more than Mr Duncalf paid him for the labour of
five and a half days. His income, as collector of rents and manager of
estates large or small, totalled about a pound a week. But, he walked
forth in the town, smiled, joked, spoke vaguely, and said, “Do you
?” to such a tune that his income might have been guessed to be anything
from ten pounds a week to ten thousand a year. And he had four days a
week in which to excogitate new methods of creating a fortune.
“I've nowt for ye,” said the old woman, not moving.
“Come, come, now! That won't do,” said Denry. “Have a pinch of my
She accepted a pinch of his tobacco, and refilled her pipe, and he
gave her a match.
“I'm not going out of this house without half-a-crown at any rate!”
said Denry, blithely.
And he rolled himself a cigarette, possibly to keep warm. It was
very chilly in the stuffy residence, but the old woman never shivered.
She was one of those old women who seem to wear all the skirts of all
their lives, one over the other.
“Ye're here for th' better part o' some time, then,” observed Mrs
Hullins, looking facts in the face. “I've told you about my son Jack.
He's been playing [out of work] six weeks. He starts to-day, and he'll
gi'me summat Saturday.”
“That won't do,” said Denry, curtly and kindly.
He then, with his bluff benevolence, explained to Mother Hullins
that Mrs Codleyn would stand no further increase of arrears from
anybody, that she could not afford to stand any further increase of
arrears, that her tenants were ruining her, and that he himself, with
all his cheery good-will for the rent-paying classes, would be involved
in her fall.
“Six-and-forty years have I been i' this 'ere house!” said Mrs
“Yes, I know,” said Denry. “And look at what you owe, mother!”
It was with immense good-humoured kindliness that he invited her
attention to what she owed. She tacitly declined to look at it.
“Your children ought to keep you,” said Denry, upon her silence.
“Them as is dead, can't,” said Mrs Hullins, “and them as is alive
has their own to keep, except Jack.”
“Well, then, it's bailiffs,” said Denry, but still cheerfully.
“Nay, nay! Ye'll none turn me out.”
Denry threw up his hands, as if to exclaim: “I've done all I can,
and I've given you a pinch of tobacco. Besides, you oughtn't to be here
alone. You ought to be with one of your children.”
There was more conversation, which ended in Denry's repeating, with
“No, you'll have to get out. It's bailiffs.”
Immediately afterwards he left the residence with a bright filial
smile. And then, in two minutes, he popped his cheerful head in at the
“Look here, mother,” he said, “I'll lend you half-a-crown if you
Charity beamed on his face, and genuinely warmed his heart.
“But you must pay me something for the accommodation,” he added. “I
can't do it for nothing. You must pay me back next week and give me
threepence. That's fair. I couldn't bear to see you turned out of your
house. Now get your rent-book.”
And he marked half-a-crown as paid in her greasy, dirty rent-book,
and the same in his large book.
“Eh, you're a queer 'un, Mester Machin!” murmured the old woman as
he left. He never knew precisely what she meant. Fifteen—twenty—years
later in his career her intonation of that phrase would recur to him
and puzzle him.
On the following Monday everybody in Chapel Alley and Carpenter's
Square seemed to know that the inconvenience of bailiffs and eviction
could be avoided by arrangement with Denry the philanthropist. He did
quite a business. And having regard to the fantastic nature of the
security, he could not well charge less than threepence a week for
half-a-crown. That was about 40 per cent. a month and 500 per cent. per
annum. The security was merely fantastic, but nevertheless he had his
remedy against evil-doers. He would take what they paid him for rent
and refuse to mark it as rent, appropriating it to his loans, so that
the fear of bailiffs was upon them again. Thus, as the good genius of
Chapel Alley and Carpenter's Square, saving the distressed from the
rigours of the open street, rescuing the needy from their tightest
corners, keeping many a home together when but for him it would have
fallen to pieces—always smiling, jolly, sympathetic, and
picturesque—Denry at length employed the five-pound note won from
Harold Etches. A five-pound note— especially a new and crisp one, as
this was—is a miraculous fragment of matter, wonderful in the pleasure
which the sight of it gives, even to millionaires; but perhaps no
five-pound note was ever so miraculous as Denry's. Ten per cent. per
week, compound interest, mounts up; it ascends, and it lifts. Denry
never talked precisely. But the town soon began to comprehend that he
was a rising man, a man to watch. The town admitted that, so far, he
had lived up to his reputation as a dancer with countesses. The town
felt that there was something indefinable about Denry.
Denry himself felt this. He did not consider himself clever or
brilliant. But he considered himself peculiarly gifted. He considered
himself different from other men. His thoughts would run:
“Anybody but me would have knuckled down to Duncalf and remained a
shorthand clerk for ever.”
“Who but me would have had the idea of going to the ball and asking
the Countess to dance?... And then that business with the fan!”
“Who but me would have had the idea of taking his rent-collecting
“Who but me would have had the idea of combining these loans with
the rent-collecting? It's simple enough! It's just what they want! And
yet nobody ever thought of it till I thought of it!”
And he knew of a surety that he was that most admired type in the
bustling, industrial provinces—a card.
The desire to become a member of the Sports Club revived in his
breast. And yet, celebrity though he was, rising though he was, he
secretly regarded the Sports Club at Hillport as being really a bit
above him. The Sports Club was the latest and greatest phenomenon of
social life in Bursley, and it was emphatically the club to which it
behoved the golden youth of the town to belong. To Denry's generation
the Conservative Club and the Liberal Club did not seem like real
clubs; they were machinery for politics, and membership carried nearly
no distinction with it. But the Sports Club had been founded by the
most dashing young men of Hillport, which is the most aristocratic
suburb of Bursley and set on a lofty eminence. The sons of the
wealthiest earthenware manufacturers made a point of belonging to it,
and, after a period of disdain, their fathers also made a point of
belonging to it. It was housed in an old mansion, with extensive
grounds and a pond and tennis courts; it had a working agreement with
the Golf Club and with the Hillport Cricket Club. But chiefly it was a
social affair. The correctest thing was to be seen there at nights,
rather late than early; and an exact knowledge of card games and
billiards was worth more in it than prowess on the field.
It was a club in the Pall Mall sense of the word.
And Denry still lived in insignificant Brougham Street, and his
mother was still a sempstress! These were apparently insurmountable
truths. All the men whom he knew to be members were somehow more
dashing than Denry —and it was a question of dash; few things are more
mysterious than dash. Denry was unique, knew himself to be unique; he
had danced with a countess, and yet... these other fellows!... Yes,
there are puzzles, baffling puzzles, in the social career.
In going over on Tuesdays to Hanbridge, where he had a few trifling
rents to collect, Denry often encountered Harold Etches in the tramcar.
At that time Etches lived at Hillport, and the principal Etches
manufactory was at Hanbridge. Etches partook of the riches of his
family, and, though a bachelor, was reputed to have the spending of at
least a thousand a year. He was famous, on summer Sundays, on the pier
at Llandudno, in white flannels. He had been one of the originators of
the Sports Club. He spent far more on clothes alone than Denry spent in
the entire enterprise of keeping his soul in his body. At their first
meeting little was said. They were not equals, and nothing but
dress-suits could make them equals. However, even a king could not
refuse speech with a scullion whom he had allowed to win money from
And Etches and Denry chatted feebly. Bit by bit they chatted less
feebly. And once, when they were almost alone on the car, they chatted
with vehemence during the complete journey of twenty minutes.
“He isn't so bad,” said Denry to himself, of the dashing Harold
And he took a private oath that at his very next encounter with
Etches he would mention the Sports Club—“just to see.” This oath
disturbed his sleep for several night. But with Denry an oath was
sacred. Having sworn that he would mention the club to Etches, he was
bound to mention it. When Tuesday came, he hoped that Etches would not
be on the tram, and the coward in him would have walked to Hanbridge
instead of taking the tram. But he was brave. And he boarded the tram,
and Etches was already in it. Now that he looked at it close, the
enterprise of suggesting to Harold Etches that he, Denry, would be a
suitable member of the Sports Club at Hillport, seemed in the highest
degree preposterous. Why! He could not play any games at all! He was a
figure only in the streets! Nevertheless—the oath!
He sat awkwardly silent for a few moments, wondering how to begin.
And then Harold Etches leaned across the tram to him and said:
“I say, Machin, I've several times meant to ask you. Why don't you
put up for the Sports Club? It's really very good, you know.”
Denry blushed, quite probably for the last time in his life. And he
saw with fresh clearness how great he was, and how large he must loom
in the life of the town. He perceived that he had been too modest.
You could not be elected to the Sports Club all in a minute. There
were formalities; and that these formalities were complicated and took
time is simply a proof that the club was correctly exclusive and worth
belonging to. When at length Denry received notice from the “Secretary
and Steward” that he was elected to the most sparkling fellowship in
the Five Towns, he was positively afraid to go and visit the club. He
wanted some old and experienced member to lead him gently into the club
and explain its usages and introduce him to the chief habitues.
Or else he wanted to slip in unobserved while the heads of clubmen were
turned. And then he had a distressing shock. Mrs Codleyn took it into
her head that she must sell her cottage property. Now, Mrs Codleyn's
cottage property was the back-bone of Denry's livelihood, and he could
by no means be sure that a new owner would employ him as
rent-collector. A new owner might have the absurd notion of collecting
rents in person. Vainly did Denry exhibit to Mrs Codleyn rows of
figures, showing that her income from the property had increased under
his control. Vainly did he assert that from no other form of investment
would she derive such a handsome interest. She went so far as to
consult an auctioneer. The auctioneer's idea of what could constitute a
fair reserve price shook, but did not quite overthrow her. At this
crisis it was that Denry happened to say to her, in his new large
manner: “Why! If I could afford, I'd buy the property off you myself,
just to show you...!” (He did not explain, and he did not perhaps know
himself, what had to be shown.) She answered that she wished to
goodness he would! Then he said wildly that he would, in
instalments! And he actually did buy the Widow Hullins's
half-a-crown-a-week cottage for forty-five pounds, of which he paid
thirty pounds in cash and arranged that the balance should be deducted
gradually from his weekly commission. He chose the Widow Hullins's
because it stood by itself—an odd piece, as it were, chipped off from
the block of Mrs Codleyn's realty. The transaction quietened Mrs
Codleyn. And Denry felt secure because she could not now dispense with
his services without losing her security for fifteen pounds. (He still
thought in these small sums instead of thinking in thousands.)
He was now a property owner.
Encouraged by this great and solemn fact, he went up one afternoon
to the club at Hillport. His entry was magnificent, superficially. No
one suspected that he was nervous under the ordeal. The truth is that
no one suspected because the place was empty. The emptiness of the hall
gave him pause. He saw a large framed copy of the “Rules” hanging under
a deer's head, and he read them as carefully as though he had not got a
copy in his pocket. Then he read the notices, as though they had been
latest telegrams from some dire seat of war. Then, perceiving a massive
open door of oak (the club-house had once been a pretty stately
mansion), he passed through it, and saw a bar (with bottles) and a
number of small tables and wicker chairs, and on one of the tables an
example of the Staffordshire Signal displaying in vast letters
the fearful question:—“Is your skin troublesome?” Denry's skin was
troublesome; it crept. He crossed the hall and went into another room
which was placarded “Silence.” And silence was. And on a table with
copies of The Potter's World, The British Australasian, The Iron
Trades Review, and the Golfers' Annual, was a second copy of
the Signal, again demanding of Denry in vast letters whether his
skin was troublesome. Evidently the reading-room.
He ascended the stairs and discovered a deserted billiard-room with
two tables. Though he had never played at billiards, he seized a cue,
but when he touched them the balls gave such a resounding click in the
hush of the chamber that he put the cue away instantly. He noticed
another door, curiously opened it, and started back at the sight of a
small room, and eight middle-aged men, mostly hatted, playing cards in
two groups. They had the air of conspirators, but they were merely some
of the finest solo-whist players in Bursley. (This was before bridge
had quitted Pall Mall.) Among them was Mr Duncalf. Denry shut the door
quickly. He felt like a wanderer in an enchanted castle who had
suddenly come across something that ought not to be come across. He
returned to earth, and in the hall met a man in shirt-sleeves—the
Secretary and Steward, a nice, homely man, who said, in the accents of
ancient friendship, though he had never spoken to Denry before: “Is it
Mr Machin? Glad to see you, Mr Machin! Come and have a drink with me,
will you? Give it a name.” Saying which, the Secretary and Steward went
behind the bar, and Denry imbibed a little whisky and much information.
“Anyhow, I've been!” he said to himself, going home.
The next night he made another visit to the club, about ten o'clock.
The reading-room, that haunt of learning, was as empty as ever; but the
bar was full of men, smoke, and glasses. It was so full that Denry's
arrival was scarcely observed. However, the Secretary and Steward
observed him, and soon he was chatting with a group at the bar,
presided over by the Secretary and Steward's shirt-sleeves. He glanced
around, and was satisfied. It was a scene of dashing gaiety and
worldliness that did not belie the club's reputation. Some of the most
important men in Bursley were there. Charles Fearns, the solicitor, who
practised at Hanbridge, was arguing vivaciously in a corner. Fearns
lived at Bleakridge and belonged to the Bleakridge Club, and his
presence at Hillport (two miles from Bleakridge) was a dramatic tribute
to the prestige of Hillport's Club.
Fearns was apparently in one of his anarchistic moods. Though a
successful business man who voted right, he was pleased occasionally to
uproot the fabric of society and rebuild it on a new plan of his own.
To-night he was inveighing against landlords—he who by “conveyancing"
kept a wife and family, and a French governess for the family, in
rather more than comfort. The Fearns's French governess was one of the
seven wonders of the Five Towns. Men enjoyed him in these moods; and as
he raised his voice, so he enlarged the circle of his audience.
“If the by-laws of this town were worth a bilberry,” he was saying,
“about a thousand so-called houses would have to come down to-morrow.
Now there's that old woman I was talking about just now—Hullins. She's
a Catholic—and my governess is always slumming about among Catholics—
that's how I know. She's paid half-a-crown a week for pretty near half
a century for a hovel that isn't worth eighteen-pence, and now she's
going to be pitched into the street because she can't pay any more. And
she's seventy if she's a day! And that's the basis of society. Nice
refined society, eh?”
“Who's the grasping owner?” some one asked.
“Old Mrs Codleyn,” said Fearns.
“Here, Mr Machin, they're talking about you,” said the Secretary and
Steward, genially. He knew that Denry collected Mrs Codleyn's rents.
“Mrs Codleyn isn't the owner,” Denry called out across the room,
almost before he was aware what he was doing. There was a smile on his
face and a glass in his hand.
“Oh!” said Fearns. “I thought she was. Who is?”
Everybody looked inquisitively at the renowned Machin, the new
“I am,” said Denry.
He had concealed the change of ownership from the Widow Hullins. In
his quality of owner he could not have lent her money in order that she
might pay it instantly back to himself.
“I beg your pardon,” said Fearns, with polite sincerity. “I'd no
idea...!” He saw that unwittingly he had come near to committing a
gross outrage on club etiquette.
“Not at all!” said Denry. “But supposing the cottage was yours, what would you do, Mr Fearns? Before I bought the property I
used to lend her money myself to pay her rent.”
“I know,” Fearns answered, with a certain dryness of tone.
It occurred to Denry that the lawyer knew too much.
“Well, what should you do?” he repeated obstinately.
“She's an old woman,” said Fearns. “And honest enough, you must
admit. She came up to see my governess, and I happened to see her.”
“But what should you do in my place?” Denry insisted.
“Since you ask, I should lower the rent and let her off the
arrears,” said Fearns.
“And supposing she didn't pay then? Let her have it rent-free
because she's seventy? Or pitch her into the street?”
“Fearns would make her a present of the blooming house and give her
a conveyance free!” a voice said humorously, and everybody laughed.
“Well, that's what I'll do,” said Denry. “If Mr Fearns will do the
conveyance free, I'll make her a present of the blooming house. That's
the sort of grasping owner I am.”
There was a startled pause. “I mean it,” said Denry firmly, even
fiercely, and raised his glass. “Here's to the Widow Hullins!”
There was a sensation, because, incredible though the thing was, it
had to be believed. Denry himself was not the least astounded person in
the crowded, smoky room. To him, it had been like somebody else
talking, not himself. But, as always when he did something crucial,
spectacular, and effective, the deed had seemed to be done by a
mysterious power within him, over which he had no control.
This particular deed was quixotic, enormously unusual; a deed
assuredly without precedent in the annals of the Five Towns. And he,
Denry, had done it. The cost was prodigious, ridiculously and
dangerously beyond his means. He could find no rational excuse for the
deed. But he had done it. And men again wondered. Men had wondered when
he led the Countess out to waltz. That was nothing to this. What! A
smooth-chinned youth giving houses away—out of mere, mad, impulsive
And men said, on reflection, “Of course, that's just the sort of
thing Machin would do!” They appeared to find a logical
connection between dancing with a Countess and tossing a house or so to
a poor widow. And the next morning every man who had been in the Sports
Club that night was remarking eagerly to his friends: “I say, have you
heard young Machin's latest?”
And Denry, inwardly aghast at his own rashness, was saying to
himself: “Well, no one but me would ever have done that!”
He was now not simply a card; he was the card.
CHAPTER III. THE PANTECHNICON
“How do you do, Miss Earp?” said Denry, in a worldly manner, which
he had acquired for himself by taking the most effective features of
the manners of several prominent citizens, and piecing them together so
that, as a whole, they formed Denry's manner.
“Oh! How do you do, Mr Machin?” said Ruth Earp, who had opened her
door to him at the corner of Tudor Passage and St Luke's Square.
It was an afternoon in July. Denry wore a new summer suit, whose
pattern indicated not only present prosperity but the firm belief that
prosperity would continue. As for Ruth, that plain but piquant girl was
in one of her simpler costumes; blue linen; no jewellery. Her hair was
in its usual calculated disorder; its outer fleeces held the light. She
was now at least twenty-five, and her gaze disconcertingly combined
extreme maturity with extreme candour. At one moment a man would be
saying to himself: “This woman knows more of the secrets of human
nature than I can ever know.” And the next he would be saying to
himself: “What a simple little thing she is!” The career of nearly
every man is marked at the sharp corners with such women. Speaking
generally, Ruth Earp's demeanour was hard and challenging. It was
evident that she could not be subject to the common weaknesses of her
sex. Denry was glad.
A youth of quick intelligence, he had perceived all the dangers of
the mission upon which he was engaged, and had planned his precautions.
“May I come in a minute?” he asked in a purely business tone. There
was no hint in that tone of the fact that once she had accorded him a
“Please do,” said Ruth.
An agreeable flouncing swish of linen skirts as she turned to
precede him down the passage! But he ignored it. That is to say, he
easily steeled himself against it.
She led him to the large room which served as her dancing
academy—the bare-boarded place in which, a year and a half before, she
had taught his clumsy limbs the principles of grace and rhythm. She
occupied the back part of a building of which the front part was an
empty shop. The shop had been tenanted by her father, one of whose
frequent bankruptcies had happened there; after which his stock of the
latest novelties in inexpensive furniture had been seized by rapacious
creditors, and Mr Earp had migrated to Birmingham, where he was
courting the Official Receiver anew. Ruth had remained solitary and
unprotected, with a considerable amount of household goods which had
been her mother's. (Like all professional bankrupts, Mr Earp had
invariably had belongings which, as he could prove to his creditors,
did not belong to him.) Public opinion had justified Ruth in her
enterprise of staying in Bursley on her own responsibility and renting
part of the building, in order not to lose her “connection” as a
dancing-mistress. Public opinion said that “there would have been no
sense in her going dangling after her wastrel of a father.”
“Quite a long time since we saw anything of each other,” observed
Ruth in rather a pleasant style, as she sat down and as he sat down.
It was. The intimate ecstasy of the supper-dance had never been
repeated. Denry's exceeding industry in carving out his career, and his
desire to graduate as an accomplished clubman, had prevented him from
giving to his heart that attention which it deserved, having regard to
his tender years.
“Yes, it is, isn't it?” said Denry.
Then there was a pause, and they both glanced vaguely about the
inhospitable and very wooden room. Now was the moment for Denry to
carry out his pre-arranged plan in all its savage simplicity. He did
so. “I've called about the rent, Miss Earp,” he said, and by an effort
looked her in the eyes.
“The rent?” exclaimed Ruth, as though she had never in all her life
heard of such a thing as rent; as though June 24 (recently past) was an
ordinary day like any other day.
“Yes,” said Denry.
“What rent?” asked Ruth, as though for aught she guessed it might
have been the rent of Buckingham Palace that he had called about.
“Yours,” said Denry.
“Mine!” she murmured. “But what has my rent got to do with you?” she
demanded. And it was just as if she had said, “But what has my rent got
to do with you, little boy?”
“Well,” he said, “I suppose you know I'm a rent-collector?”
“No, I didn't,” she said.
He thought she was fibbing out of sheer naughtiness. But she was
not. She did not know that he collected rents. She knew that he was a
card, a figure, a celebrity; and that was all. It is strange how the
knowledge of even the cleverest woman will confine itself to certain
“Yes,” he said, always in a cold, commercial tone, “I collect
“I should have thought you'd have preferred postage-stamps,” she
said, gazing out of the window at a kiln that was blackening all the
If he could have invented something clever and cutting in response
to this sally he might have made the mistake of quitting his role
of hard, unsentimental man of business. But he could think of nothing.
So he proceeded sternly:
“Mr Herbert Calvert has put all his property into my hands, and he
has given me strict instructions that no rent is to be allowed to
remain in arrear.”
No answer from Ruth. Mr Calvert was a little fellow of fifty who had
made money in the mysterious calling of a “commission agent.” By
reputation he was really very much harder than Denry could even pretend
to be, and indeed Denry had been considerably startled by the advent of
such a client. Surely if any man in Bursley were capable of
unmercifully collecting rents on his own account, Herbert Calvert must
be that man!
“Let me see,” said Denry further, pulling a book from his pocket and
peering into it, “you owe five quarters' rent—thirty pounds.”
He knew without the book precisely what Ruth owed, but the book kept
him in countenance, supplied him with needed moral support.
Ruth Earp, without the least warning, exploded into a long peal of
gay laughter. Her laugh was far prettier than her face. She laughed
well. She might, with advantage to Bursley, have given lessons in
laughing as well as in dancing, for Bursley laughs without grace. Her
laughter was a proof that she had not a care in the world, and that the
world for her was naught but a source of light amusement.
Denry smiled guardedly.
“Of course, with me it's purely a matter of business,” said he.
“So that's what Mr Herbert Calvert has done!” she exclaimed, amid
the embers of her mirth. “I wondered what he would do! I presume you
know all about Mr Herbert Calvert,” she added.
“No,” said Denry, “I don't know anything about him, except that he
owns some property and I'm in charge of it. Stay,” he corrected
himself, “I think I do remember crossing his name off your programme
And he said to himself: “That's one for her. If she likes to be so
desperately funny about postage-stamps, I don't see why I shouldn't
have my turn.” The recollection that it was precisely Herbert Calvert
whom he had supplanted in the supper-dance at the Countess of Chell's
historic ball somehow increased his confidence in his ability to manage
the interview with brilliance.
Ruth's voice grew severe and chilly. It seemed incredible that she
had just been laughing.
“I will tell you about Mr Herbert Calvert;” she enunciated her words
with slow, stern clearness. “Mr Herbert Calvert took advantage of his
visits here for his rent to pay his attentions to me. At one time he
was so far—well—gone, that he would scarcely take his rent.”
“Really!” murmured Denry, genuinely staggered by this symptom of the
distance to which Mr Herbert Calvert was once “gone.”
“Yes,” said Ruth, still sternly and inimically. “Naturally a woman
can't make up her mind about these things all of a sudden,” she
continued. “Naturally!” she repeated.
“Of course,” Denry agreed, perceiving that his experience of life,
and deep knowledge of human nature were being appealed to.
“And when I did decide definitely, Mr Herbert Calvert did not behave
like a gentleman. He forgot what was due to himself and to me. I won't
describe to you the scene he made. I'm simply telling you this, so that
you may know. To cut a long story short, he behaved in a very vulgar
way. And a woman doesn't forget these things, Mr Machin.” Her eyes
threatened him. “I decided to punish Mr Herbert Calvert. I thought if
he wouldn't take his rent before—well, let him wait for it now! I
might have given him notice to leave. But I didn't. I didn't see why I
should let myself be upset because Mr Herbert Calvert had forgotten
that he was a gentleman. I said, 'Let him wait for his rent,' and I
promised myself I would just see what he would dare to do.”
“I don't quite follow your argument,” Denry put in.
“Perhaps you don't,” she silenced him. “I didn't expect you would.
You and Mr Herbert Calvert...! So he didn't dare to do anything
himself, and he's paying you to do his dirty work for him! Very well!
Very well!...” She lifted her head defiantly. “What will happen if I
don't pay the rent?”
“I shall have to let things take their course,” said Denry with a
“All right, then,” Ruth Earp responded. “If you choose to mix
yourself up with people like Mr Herbert Calvert, you must take the
consequences! It's all the same to me, after all.”
“Then it isn't convenient for you to pay anything on account?” said
Denry, more and more affable.
“Convenient!” she cried. “It's perfectly convenient, only I don't
care to. I won't pay a penny until I'm forced. Let Mr Herbert Calvert
do his worst, and then I'll pay. And not before! And the whole town
shall hear all about Mr Herbert Calvert!”
“I see,” he laughed easily.
“Convenient!” she reiterated, contemptuously. “I think everybody in
Bursley knows how my clientele gets larger and larger every
“So that's final, Miss Earp?”
“Perfectly!” said Miss Earp.
He rose. “Then the simplest thing will be for me to send round a
bailiff to-morrow morning, early.” He might have been saying: “The
simplest thing will be for me to send round a bunch of orchids.”
Another man would have felt emotion, and probably expressed it. But
not Denry, the rent-collector and manager of estates large and small.
There were several different men in Denry, but he had the great gift of
not mixing up two different Denrys when he found himself in a
Ruth Earp rose also. She dropped her eyelids and looked at him from
under them. And then she gradually smiled.
“I thought I'd just see what you'd do,” she said, in a low,
confidential voice from which all trace of hostility had suddenly
departed. “You're a strange creature,” she went on curiously, as though
fascinated by the problems presented by his individuality. “Of course,
I shan't let it go as far as that. I only thought I'd see what you'd
say. I'll write you to-night.”
“With a cheque?” Denry demanded, with suave, jolly courtesy. “I
don't collect postage-stamps.”
(And to himself: “She's got her stamps back.”)
She hesitated. “Stay!” she said. “I'll tell you what will be better.
Can you call to-morrow afternoon? The bank will be closed now.”
“Yes,” he said, “I can call. What time?”
“Oh!” she answered, “any time. If you come in about four, I'll give
you a cup of tea into the bargain. Though you don't deserve it!” After
an instant, she added reassuringly: “Of course I know business is
business with you. But I'm glad I've told you the real truth about your
precious Mr Herbert Calvert, all the same.”
And as he walked slowly home Denry pondered upon the singular,
erratic, incalculable strangeness of woman, and of the possibly magic
effect of his own personality on women.
It was the next afternoon, in July. Denry wore his new summer suit,
but with a necktie of higher rank than the previous day's. As for Ruth,
that plain but piquant girl was in one of her more elaborate and
foamier costumes. The wonder was that such a costume could survive even
for an hour the smuts that lend continual interest and excitement to
the atmosphere of Bursley. It was a white muslin, spotted with spots of
opaque white, and founded on something pink. Denry imagined that he had
seen parts of it before—at the ball; and he had; but it was now a
tea-gown, with long, languishing sleeves; the waves of it broke at her
shoulders, sending lacy surf high up the precipices of Ruth's neck.
Denry did not know it was a tea-gown. But he knew that it had a most
peculiar and agreeable effect on himself, and that she had promised him
tea. He was glad that he had paid her the homage of his best necktie.
Although the month was July, Ruth wore a kind of shawl over the
tea-gown. It was not a shawl, Denry noted; it was merely about two
yards of very thin muslin. He puzzled himself as to its purpose. It
could not be for warmth, for it would not have helped to melt an
icicle. Could it be meant to fulfil the same function as muslin in a
confectioner's shop? She was pale. Her voice was weak and had an
She led him, not into the inhospitable wooden academy, but into a
very small room which, like herself, was dressed in muslin and bows of
ribbon. Photographs of amiable men and women decorated the
pinkish-green walls. The mantelpiece was concealed in drapery as though
it had been a sin. A writing-desk as green as a leaf stood carelessly
in one corner; on the desk a vase containing some Cape gooseberries. In
the middle of the room a small table, on the table a spirit-lamp in
full blast, and on the lamp a kettle practising scales; a tray occupied
the remainder of the table. There were two easy chairs; Ruth sank
delicately into one, and Denry took the other with precautions.
He was nervous. Nothing equals muslin for imparting nervousness to
the naive. But he felt pleased.
“Not much of the Widow Hullins touch about this!” he reflected
And he wished that all rent-collecting might be done with such ease,
and amid such surroundings, as this particular piece of
rent-collecting. He saw what a fine thing it was to be a free man,
under orders from nobody; not many men in Bursley were in a position to
accept invitations to four o'clock tea at a day's notice. Further 5 per
cent. on thirty pounds was thirty shillings, so that if he stayed an
hour—and he meant to stay an hour—he would, while enjoying himself,
be earning money steadily at the rate of sixpence a minute.
It was the ideal of a business career.
When the kettle, having finished its scales, burst into song with an
accompaniment of castanets and vapour, and Ruth's sleeves rose and fell
as she made the tea, Denry acknowledged frankly to himself that it was
this sort of thing, and not the Brougham Street sort of thing, that he
was really born for. He acknowledged to himself humbly that this sort
of thing was “life,” and that hitherto he had had no adequate idea of
what “life” was. For, with all his ability as a card and a rising man,
with all his assiduous frequenting of the Sports Club, he had not
penetrated into the upper domestic strata of Bursley society. He had
never been invited to any house where, as he put it, he would have had
to mind his p's and q's. He still remained the kind of man whom you
familiarly chat with in the street and club, and no more. His mother's
fame as a flannel-washer was against him; Brougham Street was against
him; and, chiefly, his poverty was against him. True, he had gorgeously
given a house away to an aged widow! True, he succeeded in transmitting
to his acquaintances a vague idea that he was doing well and waxing
financially from strength to strength! But the idea was too vague, too
much in the air. And save by a suit of clothes, he never gave ocular
proof that he had money to waste. He could not. It was impossible for
him to compete with even the more modest of the bloods and the blades.
To keep a satisfactory straight crease down the middle of each leg of
his trousers was all he could accomplish with the money regularly at
his disposal. The town was wafting for him to do something decisive in
the matter of what it called “the stuff.”
Thus Ruth Earp was the first to introduce him to the higher intimate
civilisations, the refinements lurking behind the foul walls of
“Sugar?” she questioned, her head on one side, her arm uplifted, her
sleeve drooping, and a bit of sugar caught like a white mouse between
the claws of the tongs.
Nobody before had ever said “Sugar?” to him like that. His mother
never said “Sugar?” to him. His mother was aware that he liked three
pieces, but she would not give him more than two. “Sugar?” in that
slightly weak, imploring voice seemed to be charged with a significance
at once tremendous and elusive.
And the “Another?” was even more delicious.
He said to himself: “I suppose this is what they call flirting.”
When a chronicler tells the exact truth, there is always a danger
that he will not be believed. Yet, in spite of the risk, it must be
said plainly that at this point Denry actually thought of marriage. An
absurd and childish thought, preposterously rash; but it came into his
mind, and—what is more—it stuck there! He pictured marriage as a
perpetual afternoon tea alone with an elegant woman, amid an
environment of ribboned muslin. And the picture appealed to him very
strongly. And Ruth appeared to him in a new light. It was perhaps the
change in her voice that did it. She appeared to him at once as a
creature very feminine and enchanting, and as a creature who could earn
her own living in a manner that was both original and ladylike. A woman
such as Ruth would be a delight without being a drag. And, truly, was
she not a remarkable woman, as remarkable as he was a man? Here she was
living amid the refinements of luxury. Not an expensive luxury (he had
an excellent notion of the monetary value of things), but still luxury.
And the whole affair was so stylish. His heart went out to the stylish.
The slices of bread-and-butter were rolled up. There, now, was a
pleasing device! It cost nothing to roll up a slice of bread-and-butter
—her fingers had doubtless done the rolling—and yet it gave quite a
different taste to the food.
“What made you give that house to Mrs Hullins?” she asked him
suddenly, with a candour that seemed to demand candour.
“Oh,” he said, “just a lark! I thought I would. It came to me all in
a second, and I did.”
She shook her head. “Strange boy!” she observed.
There was a pause.
“It was something Charlie Fearns said, wasn't it?” she inquired.
She uttered the name “Charlie Fearns” with a certain faint hint of
disdain, as if indicating to Denry that of course she and Denry were
quite able to put Fearns into his proper place in the scheme of things.
“Oh!” he said. “So you know all about it?”
“Well,” said she, “naturally it was all over the town. Mrs Fearns's
girl, Annunciata—what a name, eh?—is one of my pupils—the youngest,
“Well,” said he, after another pause, “I wasn't going to have Fearns
coming the duke over me!” She smiled sympathetically. He felt that they
understood each other deeply.
“You'll find some cigarettes in that box,” she said, when he had
been there thirty minutes, and pointed to the mantelpiece.
“Sure you don't mind?” he murmured.
She raised her eyebrows.
There was also a silver match-box in the larger box. No detail
lacked. It seemed to him that he stood on a mountain and had only to
walk down a winding path in order to enter the promised land. He was
decidedly pleased with the worldly way in which he had said: “Sure you
He puffed out smoke delicately. And, the cigarette between his lips,
as with his left hand he waved the match into extinction, he demanded:
“Yes,” she said, “but not in public. I know what you men are.”
This was in the early, timid days of feminine smoking.
“I assure you!” he protested, and pushed the box towards her. But
she would not smoke.
“It isn't that I mind you,” she said, “not at all. But I'm
not well. I've got a frightful headache.”
He put on a concerned expression.
“I thought you looked rather pale,” he said awkwardly.
“Pale!” she repeated the word. “You should have seen me this
morning: I have fits of dizziness, you know, too. The doctor says it's
nothing but dyspepsia. However, don't let's talk about poor little me
and my silly complaints. Perhaps the tea will do me good.”
He protested again, but his experience of intimate civilisation was
too brief to allow him to protest with effectiveness. The truth was, he
could not say these things naturally. He had to compose them, and then
pronounce them, and the result failed in the necessary air of
spontaneity. He could not help thinking what marvellous self-control
women had. Now, when he had a headache—which happily was seldom—he
could think of nothing else and talk of nothing else; the entire
universe consisted solely of his headache. And here she was overcome
with a headache, and during more than half-an-hour had not even
She began talking gossip about the Fearnses and the Swetnams, and
she mentioned rumours concerning Henry Mynors (who had scruples against
dancing) and Anna Tellwright, the daughter of that rich old skinflint
Ephraim Tellwright. No mistake; she was on the inside of things in
Bursley society! It was just as if she had removed the front walls of
every house and examined every room at her leisure, with minute
particularity. But of course a teacher of dancing had opportunities....
Denry had to pretend to be nearly as omniscient as she was.
Then she broke off, without warning, and lay back in her chair.
“I wonder if you'd mind going into the barn for me?” she murmured.
She generally referred to her academy as the barn. It had once been
He jumped up. “Certainly,” he said, very eager.
“I think you'll see a small bottle of eau-de-Cologne on the top of
the piano,” she said, and shut her eyes.
He hastened away, full of his mission, and feeling himself to be a
terrific cavalier and guardian of weak women. He felt keenly that he
must be equal to the situation. Yes, the small bottle of eau-de-Cologne
was on the top of the piano. He seized it and bore it to her on the
wings of chivalry. He had not been aware that eau-de-Cologne was a
remedy for, or a palliative of, headaches.
She opened her eyes, and with a great effort tried to be bright and
better. But it was a failure. She took the stopper out of the bottle
and sniffed first at the stopper and then at the bottle; then she
spilled a few drops of the liquid on her handkerchief and applied the
handkerchief to her temples.
“It's easier,” she said.
“Sure?” he asked. He did not know what to do with himself—whether
to sit down and feign that she was well, or to remain standing in an
attitude of respectful and grave anxiety. He thought he ought to
depart; yet would it not be ungallant to desert her under the
circumstances? She was alone. She had no servant, only an occasional
She nodded with brave, false gaiety. And then she had a relapse.
“Don't you think you'd better lie down?” he suggested in more
masterful accents. And added; “And I'll go....? You ought to lie down.
It's the only thing.” He was now speaking to her like a wise uncle.
“Oh no!” she said, without conviction. “Besides, you can't go till
I've paid you.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, “Oh! don't bother about that
now!” But he restrained himself. There was a notable core of
common-sense in Denry. He had been puzzling how he might neatly mention
the rent while departing in a hurry so that she might lie down. And now
she had solved the difficulty for him.
She stretched out her arm, and picked up a bunch of keys from a
basket on a little table.
“You might just unlock that desk for me, will you?” she said. And,
further, as she went through the keys one by one to select the right
key: “Each quarter I've put your precious Mr Herbert Calvert's rent in
a drawer in that desk. ... Here's the key.” She held up the whole ring
by the chosen key, and he accepted it. And she lay back once more in
her chair, exhausted by her exertions.
“You must turn the key sharply in the lock,” she said weakly, as he
fumbled at the locked part of the desk.
So he turned the key sharply.
“You'll see a bag in the little drawer on the right,” she murmured.
The key turned round and round. It had begun by resisting, but now
it yielded too easily.
“It doesn't seem to open,” he said, feeling clumsy.
The key clicked and slid, and the other keys rattled together.
“Oh yes,” she replied. “I opened it quite easily this morning. It
is a bit catchy.”
The key kept going round and round.
“Here! I'll do it,” she said wearily.
“Oh no!” he urged.
But she rose courageously, and tottered to the desk, and took the
bunch from him.
“I'm afraid you've broken something in the lock,” she announced,
with gentle resignation, after she had tried to open the desk and
“Have I?” he mumbled. He knew that he was not shining.
“Would you mind calling in at Allman's,” she said, resuming her
chair, “and tell them to send a man down at once to pick the lock?
There's nothing else for it. Or perhaps you'd better say first thing
to-morrow morning. And then as soon as he's done it I'll call and pay
you the money myself. And you might tell your precious Mr Herbert
Calvert that next quarter I shall give notice to leave.”
“Don't you trouble to call, please,” said he. “I can easily pop in
She sped him away in an enigmatic tone. He could not be sure whether
he had succeeded or failed, in her estimation, as a man of the world
and a partaker of delicate teas.
“Don't forget Allman's!” she enjoined him as he left the
room. He was to let himself out.
He was coming home late that night from the Sports Club, from a
delectable evening which had lasted till one o'clock in the morning,
when just as he put the large door-key into his mother's cottage he
grew aware of peculiar phenomena at the top end of Brougham Street,
where it runs into St Luke's Square. And then in the gas-lit gloom of
the warm summer night he perceived a vast and vague rectangular form in
the slow movement towards the slope of Brougham Street.
It was a pantechnicon van.
But the extraordinary thing was, not that it should be a
pantechnicon van, but that if should be moving of its own accord and
power. For there were no horses in front of it, and Denry saw that the
double shafts had been pushed up perpendicularly, after the manner of
carmen when they outspan. The pantechnicon was running away. It had
perceived the wrath to come and was fleeing. Its guardians had
evidently left it imperfectly scotched or braked, and it had got loose.
It proceeded down the first bit of Brougham Street with a dignity
worthy of its dimensions, and at the same time with apparently a
certain sense of the humour of the situation. Then it seemed to be
saying to itself: “Pantechnicons will be pantechnicons.” Then it took
on the absurd gravity of a man who is perfectly sure that he is not
drunk. Nevertheless it kept fairly well to the middle of the road, but
as though the road were a tight-rope.
The rumble of it increased as it approached Denry. He withdrew the
key from his mother's cottage and put it in his pocket. He was always
at his finest in a crisis. And the onrush of the pantechnicon
constituted a clear crisis. Lower down the gradient of Brougham Street
was more dangerous, and it was within the possibilities that people
inhabiting the depths of the street might find themselves pitched out
of bed by the sharp corner of a pantechnicon that was determined to be
a pantechnicon. A pantechnicon whose ardour is fairly aroused may be
capable of surpassing deeds. Whole thoroughfares might crumble before
As the pantechnicon passed Denry, at the rate of about three and a
half miles an hour, he leaped, or rather he scrambled, on to it, losing
nothing in the process except his straw hat, which remained a witness
at his mother's door that her boy had been that way and departed under
unusual circumstances. Denry had the bright idea of dropping the shafts
down to act as a brake. But, unaccustomed to the manipulation of
shafts, he was rather slow in accomplishing the deed, and ere the first
pair of shafts had fallen the pantechnicon was doing quite eight miles
an hour and the steepest declivity was yet to come. Further, the
dropping of the left-hand shafts jerked the van to the left, and Denry
dropped the other pair only just in time to avoid the sudden uprooting
of a lamp-post. The four points of the shafts digging and prodding into
the surface of the road gave the pantechnicon something to think about
for a few seconds. But unfortunately the precipitousness of the street
encouraged its head-strong caprices, and a few seconds later all four
shafts were broken, and the pantechnicon seemed to scent the open
prairie. (What it really did scent was the canal.) Then Denry
discovered the brake, and furiously struggled with the iron handle. He
turned it and turned it, some forty revolutions. It seemed to have no
effect. The miracle was that the pantechnicon maintained its course in
the middle of the street. Presently Denry could vaguely distinguish the
wall and double wooden gates of the canal wharf. He could not jump off;
the pantechnicon was now an express, and I doubt whether he would have
jumped off, even if jumping off had not been madness. His was the kind
of perseverance that, for the fun of it, will perish in an attempt. The
final fifty or sixty yards of Brougham Street were level, and the
pantechnicon slightly abated its haste. Denry could now plainly see, in
the radiance of a gas-lamp, the gates of the wharf, and on them the
SHROPSHIRE UNION CANAL COY., LTD..
No Admittance except on Business
He was heading straight for those gates, and the pantechnicon
evidently had business within. It jolted over the iron guard of the
weighing-machine, and this jolt deflected it, so that instead of aiming
at the gates it aimed for part of a gate and part of a brick pillar.
Denry ground his teeth together and clung to his seat. The gate might
have been paper, and the brick pillar a cardboard pillar. The
pantechnicon went through them as a sword will go through a ghost, and
Denry was still alive. The remainder of the journey was brief and
violent, owing partly to a number of bags of cement, and partly to the
propinquity of the canal basin. The pantechnicon jumped into the canal
like a mastodon, and drank.
Denry, clinging to the woodwork, was submerged for a moment, but, by
standing on the narrow platform from which sprouted the splintered ends
of the shafts, he could get his waist clear of the water. He was not a
All was still and dark, save for the faint stream of starlight on
the broad bosom of the canal basin. The pantechnicon had encountered
nobody whatever en route. Of its strange escapade Denry had been
the sole witness.
“Well, I'm dashed!” he murmured aloud.
And a voice replied from the belly of the pantechnicon:
“Who is there?”
All Denry's body shook.
“It's me!” said he.
“Not Mr Machin?” said the voice.
“Yes,” said he. “I jumped on as it came down the street—and here we
“Oh!” cried the voice. “I do wish you could get round to me.”
Ruth Earp's voice.
He saw the truth in a moment of piercing insight. Ruth had been
playing with him! She had performed a comedy for him in two acts. She
had meant to do what is called in the Five Towns “a moonlight flit.”
The pantechnicon (doubtless from Birmingham, where her father was) had
been brought to her door late in the evening, and was to have been
filled and taken away during the night. The horses had been stabled,
probably in Ruth's own yard, and while the carmen were reposing the
pantechnicon had got off, Ruth in it. She had no money locked in her
unlockable desk. Her reason for not having paid the precious Mr Herbert
Calvert was not the reason which she had advanced.
His first staggered thought was:
“She's got a nerve! No mistake!”
Her duplicity, her wickedness, did not shock him. He admired her
tremendous and audacious enterprise; it appealed strongly to every cell
in his brain. He felt that she and he were kindred spirits.
He tried to clamber round the side of the van so as to get to the
doors at the back, but a pantechnicon has a wheel-base which forbids
leaping from wheel to wheel, especially, when the wheels are under
water. Hence he was obliged to climb on to the roof, and so slide down
on to the top of one of the doors, which was swinging loose. The feat
was not simple. At last he felt the floor of the van under half a yard
“Where are you?”
“I'm here,” said Ruth, very plaintively. “I'm on a table. It was the
only thing they had put into the van before they went off to have their
supper or something. Furniture removers are always like that. Haven't
you got a match?”
“I've got scores of matches,” said Denry. “But what good do you
suppose they'll be now, all soaked through?”
A short silence. He noticed that she had offered no explanation of
her conduct towards himself. She seemed to take it for granted that he
“I'm frightfully bumped, and I believe my nose is bleeding,” said
Ruth, still more plaintively. “It's a good thing there was a lot of
straw and sacks here.”
Then, after much groping, his hand touched her wet dress.
“You know you're a very naughty girl,” he said.
He heard a sob, a wild sob. The proud, independent creature had
broken down under the stress of events. He climbed out of the water on
to the part of the table which she was not occupying. And the van was
as black as Erebus.
Gradually, out of the welter of sobs, came faint articulations, and
little by little he learnt the entire story of her difficulties, her
misfortunes, her struggles, and her defeats. He listened to a frank
confession of guilt. But what could she do? She had meant well. But
what could she do? She had been driven into a corner. And she had her
father to think of! Honestly, on the previous day, she had intended to
pay the rent, or part of it. But there had been a disappointment! And
she had been so unwell. In short...
The van gave a lurch. She clutched at him and he at her. The van was
settling down for a comfortable night in the mud.
(Queer that it had not occurred to him before, but at the first
visit she had postponed paying him on the plea that the bank was
closed, while at the second visit she had stated that the actual cash
had been slowly accumulating in her desk! And the discrepancy had not
struck him. Such is the influence of a teagown. However, he forgave
her, in consideration of her immense audacity.)
“What can we do?” she almost whispered.
Her confidence in him affected him.
“Wait till it gets light,” said he.
So they waited, amid the waste of waters. In a hot July it is not
unpleasant to dangle one's feet in water during the sultry dark hours.
She told him more and more.
When the inspiring grey preliminaries of the dawn began, Denry saw
that at the back of the pantechnicon the waste of waters extended for
at most a yard, and that it was easy, by climbing on to the roof, to
jump therefrom to the wharf. He did so, and then fixed a plank so that
Ruth could get ashore. Relieved of their weight the table floated out
after them. Denry seized it, and set about smashing it to pieces with
“What are you doing?” she asked faintly. She was too
enfeebled to protest more vigorously.
“Leave it to me,” said Denry. “This table is the only thing that can
give your show away. We can't carry it back. We might meet some one.”
He tied the fragments of the table together with rope that was
afloat in the van, and attached the heavy iron bar whose function was
to keep the doors closed. Then he sank the faggot of wood and iron in a
distant corner of the basin.
“There!” he said. “Now you understand. Nothing's happened except
that a furniture van's run off and fallen into the canal owing to the
men's carelessness. We can settle the rest later—I mean about the rent
and so on.”
They looked at each other.
Her skirts were nearly dry. Her nose showed no trace of bleeding,
but there was a bluish lump over her left eye. Save that he was
hatless, and that his trousers clung, he was not utterly unpresentable.
They were alone in the silent dawn.
“You'd better go home by Acre Lane, not up Brougham Street,” he
said. “I'll come in during the morning.”
It was a parting in which more was felt than said.
They went one after the other through the devastated gateway,
baptising the path as they walked. The Town Hall clock struck three as
Denry crept up his mother's stairs. He had seen not a soul.
The exact truth in its details was never known to more than two
inhabitants of Bursley. The one thing clear certainly appeared to be
that Denry, in endeavouring to prevent a runaway pantechnicon from
destroying the town, had travelled with it into the canal. The romantic
trip was accepted as perfectly characteristic of Denry. Around this
island of fact washed a fabulous sea of uninformed gossip, in which
assertion conflicted with assertion, and the names of Denry and Ruth
were continually bumping against each other.
Mr Herbert Calvert glanced queerly and perhaps sardonically at Denry
when Denry called and handed over ten pounds (less commission) which he
said Miss Earp had paid on account.
“Look here,” said the little Calvert, his mean little eyes gleaming.
“You must get in the balance at once.”
“That's all right,” said Denry. “I shall.”
“Was she trying to hook it on the q.t.?” Calvert demanded.
“Oh, no!” said Denry. “That was a very funny misunderstanding. The
only explanation I can think of is that that van must have come to the
“Are you engaged to her?” Calvert asked, with amazing effrontery.
Denry paused. “Yes,” he said. “Are you?”
Mr Calvert wondered what he meant.
He admitted to himself that the courtship had begun in a manner
CHAPTER IV. WRECKING OF A LIFE
In the Five Towns, and perhaps elsewhere, there exists a custom in
virtue of which a couple who have become engaged in the early summer
find themselves by a most curious coincidence at the same seaside
resort, and often in the same street thereof, during August. Thus it
happened to Denry and to Ruth Earp. There had been difficulties—there
always are. A business man who lives by collecting weekly rents
obviously cannot go away for an indefinite period. And a young woman
who lives alone in the world is bound to respect public opinion.
However, Ruth arranged that her girlish friend, Nellie Cotterill, who
had generous parents, should accompany her. And the North Staffordshire
Railway's philanthropic scheme of issuing four-shilling tourist return
tickets to the seaside enabled Denry to persuade himself that he was
not absolutely mad in contemplating a fortnight on the shores of
Ruth chose Llandudno, Llandudno being more stylish than either Rhyl
or Blackpool, and not dearer. Ruth and Nellie had a double room in a
boarding-house, No. 26 St Asaph's Road (off the Marine Parade), and
Denry had a small single room in another boarding-house, No. 28 St
Asaph's Road. The ideal could scarcely have been approached more
Denry had never seen the sea before. As, in his gayest clothes, he
strolled along the esplanade or on the pier between those two girls in
their gayest clothes, and mingled with the immense crowd of
pleasure-seekers and money-spenders, he was undoubtedly much impressed
by the beauty and grandeur of the sea. But what impressed him far more
than the beauty and grandeur of the sea was the field for profitable
commercial enterprise which a place like Llandudno presented. He had
not only his first vision of the sea, but his first genuine vision of
the possibilities of amassing wealth by honest ingenuity. On the
morning after his arrival he went out for a walk and lost himself near
the Great Orme, and had to return hurriedly along the whole length of
the Parade about nine o'clock. And through every ground-floor window of
every house he saw a long table full of people eating and drinking the
same kinds of food. In Llandudno fifty thousand souls desired always to
perform the same act at the same time; they wanted to be distracted and
they would do anything for the sake of distraction, and would pay for
the privilege. And they would all pay at once.
This great thought was more majestic to him than the sea, or the
Great Orme, or the Little Orme.
It stuck in his head because he had suddenly grown into a very
serious person. He had now something to live for, something on which to
lavish his energy. He was happy in being affianced, and more proud than
happy, and more startled than proud. The manner and method of his
courtship had sharply differed from his previous conception of what
such an affair would be. He had not passed through the sensations which
he would have expected to pass through. And then this question was
continually presenting itself: What could she see in him? She
must have got a notion that he was far more wonderful than he really
was. Could it be true that she, his superior in experience and in
splendour of person, had kissed him? Him! He felt that it would
be his duty to live up to this exaggerated notion which she had of him.
They had not yet discussed finance at all, though Denry would have
liked to discuss it. Evidently she regarded him as a man of means. This
became clear during the progress of the journey to Llandudno. Denry was
flattered, but the next day he had slight misgivings, and on the
following day he was alarmed; and on the day after that his state
resembled terror. It is truer to say that she regarded him less as a
man of means than as a magic and inexhaustible siphon of money.
He simply could not stir out of the house without spending money,
and often in ways quite unforeseen. Pier, minstrels, Punch and Judy,
bathing, buns, ices, canes, fruit, chairs, row-boats, concerts, toffee,
photographs, char-a-bancs: any of these expenditures was likely to
happen whenever they went forth for a simple stroll. One might think
that strolls were gratis, that the air was free! Error! If he had had
the courage he would have left his purse in the house as Ruth
invariably did. But men are moral cowards.
He had calculated thus:—Return fare, four shillings a week. Agreed
terms at boarding-house, twenty-five shillings a week. Total expenses
per week, twenty-nine shillings,—say thirty!
On the first day he spent fourteen shillings on nothing
whatever—which was at the rate of five pounds a week of supplementary
estimates! On the second day he spent nineteen shillings on nothing
whatever, and Ruth insisted on his having tea with herself and Nellie
at their boarding-house; for which of course he had to pay, while his
own tea was wasting next door. So the figures ran on, jumping up each
day. Mercifully, when Sunday dawned the open wound in his pocket was
temporarily stanched. Ruth wished him to come in for tea again. He
refused—at any rate he did not come—and the exquisite placidity of
the stream of their love was slightly disturbed.
Nobody could have guessed that she was in monetary difficulties on
her own account. Denry, as a chivalrous lover, had assisted her out of
the fearful quagmire of her rent; but she owed much beyond rent. Yet,
when some of her quarterly fees had come in, her thoughts had instantly
run to Llandudno, joy, and frocks. She did not know what money was, and
she never would. This was, perhaps, part of her superior splendour. The
gentle, timid, silent Nellie occasionally let Denry see that she, too,
was scandalised by her bosom friend's recklessness. Often Nellie would
modestly beg for permission to pay her share of the cost of an
amusement. And it seemed just to Denry that she should pay her share,
and he violently wished to accept her money, but he could not. He would
even get quite curt with her when she insisted. From this it will be
seen how absurdly and irrationally different he was from the rest of
Nellie was continually with them, except just before they separated
for the night. So that Denry paid consistently for three. But he liked
Nellie Cotterill. She blushed so easily, and she so obviously
worshipped Ruth and admired himself, and there was a marked vein of
common-sense in her ingenuous composition.
On the Monday morning he was up early and off to Bursley to collect
rents and manage estates. He had spent nearly five pounds beyond his
expectation. Indeed, if by chance he had not gone to Llandudno with a
portion of the previous week's rents in his pockets, he would have been
in what the Five Towns call a fix.
While in Bursley he thought a good deal. Bursley in August
encourages nothing but thought. His mother was working as usual. His
recitals to her of the existence led by betrothed lovers at Llandudno
On the Tuesday evening he returned to Llandudno, and, despite the
general trend of his thoughts, it once more occurred that his pockets
were loaded with a portion of the week's rents. He did not know
precisely what was going to happen, but he knew that something was
going to happen; for the sufficient reason that his career could not
continue unless something did happen. Without either a quarrel, an
understanding, or a miracle, three months of affianced bliss with Ruth
Earp would exhaust his resources and ruin his reputation as one who was
ever equal to a crisis.
What immediately happened was a storm at sea. He heard it mentioned
at Rhyl, and he saw, in the deep night, the foam of breakers at
Prestatyn. And when the train reached Llandudno, those two girls in
ulsters and caps greeted him with wondrous tales of the storm at sea,
and of wrecks, and of lifeboats. And they were so jolly, and so
welcoming, so plainly glad to see their cavalier again, that Denry
instantly discovered himself to be in the highest spirits. He put away
the dark and brooding thoughts which had disfigured his journey, and
became the gay Denry of his own dreams. The very wind intoxicated him.
There was no rain.
It was half-past nine, and half Llandudno was afoot on the Parade
and discussing the storm—a storm unparalleled, it seemed, in the month
of August. At any rate, people who had visited Llandudno yearly for
twenty-five years declared that never had they witnessed such a storm.
The new lifeboat had gone forth, amid cheers, about six o'clock to a
schooner in distress near Rhos, and at eight o'clock a second lifeboat
(an old one which the new one had replaced and which had been bought
for a floating warehouse by an aged fisherman) had departed to the
rescue of a Norwegian barque, the Hjalmar, round the bend of the
“Let's go on the pier,” said Denry. “It will be splendid.”
He was not an hour in the town, and yet was already hanging expense!
“They've closed the pier,” the girls told him.
But when in the course of their meanderings among the excited crowd
under the gas-lamps they arrived at the pier-gates, Denry perceived
figures on the pier.
“They're sailors and things, and the Mayor,” the girls explained.
“Pooh!” said Denry, fired.
He approached the turnstile and handed a card to the official. It
was the card of an advertisement agent of the Staffordshire Signal, who had called at Brougham Street in Denry's absence about the renewal
of Denry's advertisement.
“Press,” said Denry to the guardian at the turnstile, and went
through with the ease of a bird on the wing.
“Come along,” he cried to the girls.
The guardian seemed to hesitate.
“These ladies are with me,” he said.
The guardian yielded.
It was a triumph for Denry. He could read his triumph in the eyes of
his companions. When she looked at him like that, Ruth was assuredly
marvellous among women, and any ideas derogatory to her marvellousness
which he might have had at Bursley and in the train were false ideas.
At the head of the pier beyond the pavilion, there were gathered
together some fifty people, and the tale ran that the second lifeboat
had successfully accomplished its mission and was approaching the pier.
“I shall write an account of this for the Signal,” said
Denry, whose thoughts were excusably on the Press.
“Oh, do!” exclaimed Nellie.
“They have the Signal at all the newspaper shops here,” said
Then they seemed to be merged in the storm. The pier shook and
trembled under the shock of the waves, and occasionally, though the
tide was very low, a sprinkle of water flew up and caught their faces.
The eyes could see nothing save the passing glitter of the foam on the
crest of a breaker. It was the most thrilling situation that any of
them had ever been in.
And at last came word from the mouths of men who could apparently
see as well in the dark as in daylight, that the second lifeboat was
close to the pier. And then everybody momentarily saw it—a ghostly
thing that heaved up pale out of the murk for an instant, and was lost
again. And the little crowd cheered.
The next moment a Bengal light illuminated the pier, and the
lifeboat was silhouetted with strange effectiveness against the storm.
And some one flung a rope, and then another rope arrived out of the
sea, and fell on Denry's shoulder.
“Haul on there!” yelled a hoarse voice. The Bengal light expired.
Denry hauled with a will. The occasion was unique. And those few
seconds were worth to him the whole of Denry's precious life—yes, not
excluding the seconds in which he had kissed Ruth and the minutes in
which he had danced with the Countess of Chell. Then two men with
beards took the rope from his hands. The air was now alive with
shoutings. Finally there was a rush of men down the iron stairway to
the lower part of the pier, ten feet nearer the water.
“You stay here, you two!” Denry ordered.
“Stay here, I tell you!” All the male in him was aroused. He was
off, after the rush of men. “Half a jiffy,” he said, coming back. “Just
take charge of this, will you?” And he poured into their hands about
twelve shillings' worth of copper, small change of rents, from his
hip-pocket. “If anything happened, that might sink me,” he said, and
It was very characteristic of him, that effusion of calm sagacity in
a supreme emergency.
Beyond getting his feet wet Denry accomplished but little in the
dark basement of the pier. In spite of his success in hauling in the
thrown rope, he seemed to be classed at once down there by the experts
assembled as an eager and useless person who had no right to the space
which he occupied. However, he witnessed the heaving arrival of the
lifeboat and the disembarking of the rescued crew of the Norwegian
barque, and he was more than ever decided to compose a descriptive
article for the Staffordshire Signal. The rescued and the
rescuing crews disappeared in single file to the upper floor of the
pier, with the exception of the coxswain, a man with a spreading red
beard, who stayed behind to inspect the lifeboat, of which indeed he
was the absolute owner. As a journalist Denry did the correct thing and
engaged him in conversation. Meanwhile, cheering could be heard above.
The coxswain, who stated that his name was Cregeen, and that he was a
Manxman, seemed to regret the entire expedition. He seemed to be
unaware that it was his duty now to play the part of the modest hero to
Denry's interviewing. At every loose end of the chat he would say
“And look at her now, I'm telling ye!” Meaning the battered craft,
which rose and fell on the black waves.
Denry ran upstairs again, in search of more amenable material. Some
twenty men in various sou'-westers and other headgear were eating thick
slices of bread and butter and drinking hot coffee, which with
foresight had been prepared for them in the pier buffet. A few had
preferred whisky. The whole crowd was now under the lee of the
pavilion, and it constituted a spectacle which Denry said to himself he
should refer to in his article as “Rembrandtesque.” For a few moments
he could not descry Ruth and Nellie in the gloom. Then he saw the
indubitable form of his betrothed at a penny-in-the-slot machine, and
the indubitable form of Nellie at another penny-in-the-slot machine.
And then he could hear the click-click-click of the machines, working
rapidly. And his thoughts took a new direction.
Presently Ruth ran with blithe gracefulness from her machine and
commenced a generous distribution of packets to the members of the
crews. There was neither calculation nor exact justice in her
generosity. She dropped packets on to heroic knees with a splendid
gesture of largesse. Some packets even fell on the floor. But she did
Denry could hear her saying:
“You must eat it. Chocolate is so sustaining. There's nothing like
She ran back to the machines, and snatched more packets from Nellie,
who under her orders had been industrious; and then began a second
A calm and disinterested observer would probably have been touched
by this spectacle of impulsive womanly charity. He might even have
decided that it was one of the most beautifully human things that he
had ever seen. And the fact that the hardy heroes and Norsemen appeared
scarcely to know what to do with the silver-wrapped bonbons would not
have impaired his admiration for these two girlish figures of
benevolence. Denry, too, was touched by the spectacle, but in another
way. It was the rents of his clients that were being thus dissipated in
a very luxury of needless benevolence. He muttered:
“Well, that's a bit thick, that is!” But of course he could do
As the process continued, the clicking of the machine exacerbated
“Idiotic!” he muttered.
The final annoyance to him was that everybody except himself seemed
to consider that Ruth was displaying singular ingenuity, originality,
enterprise, and goodness of heart.
In that moment he saw clearly for the first time that the marriage
between himself and Ruth had not been arranged in Heaven. He admitted
privately then that the saving of a young woman from violent death in a
pantechnicon need not inevitably involve espousing her. She was without
doubt a marvellous creature, but it was as wise to dream of keeping a
carriage and pair as to dream of keeping Ruth. He grew suddenly
cynical. His age leaped to fifty or so, and the curve of his lips
Ruth, spying around, saw him and ran to him with a glad cry.
“Here!” she said, “take these. They're no good.” She held out her
“What are they?” he asked.
“They're the halfpennies.”
“So sorry!” he said, with an accent whose significance escaped her,
and took the useless coins.
“We've exhausted all the chocolate,” said she. “But there's
butterscotch left—it's nearly as good—and gold-tipped cigarettes. I
daresay some of them would enjoy a smoke. Have you got any more
“No!” he replied. “But I've got ten or a dozen half-crowns. They'll
work the machine just as well, won't they?”
This time she did notice a certain unusualness in the flavour of his
accent. And she hesitated.
“Don't be silly!” she said.
“I'll try not to be,” said Denry. So far as he could remember, he
had never used such a tone before. Ruth swerved away to rejoin Nellie.
Denry surreptitiously counted the halfpennies. There were eighteen.
She had fed those machines, then, with over a hundred and thirty pence.
He murmured, “Thick, thick!”
Considering that he had returned to Llandudno in the full intention
of putting his foot down, of clearly conveying to Ruth that his
conception of finance differed from hers, the second sojourn had
commenced badly. Still, he had promised to marry her, and he must marry
her. Better a lifetime of misery and insolvency than a failure to
behave as a gentleman should. Of course, if she chose to break it
off.... But he must be minutely careful to do nothing which might lead
to a breach. Such was Denry's code. The walk home at midnight, amid the
reverberations of the falling tempest, was marked by a slight
pettishness on the part of Ruth, and by Denry's polite taciturnity.
Yet the next morning, as the three companions sat together under the
striped awning of the buffet on the pier, nobody could have divined, by
looking at them, that one of them at any rate was the most
uncomfortable young man in all Llandudno. The sun was hotly shining on
their bright attire and on the still turbulent waves. Ruth, thirsty
after a breakfast of herrings and bacon, was sucking iced lemonade up a
straw. Nellie was eating chocolate, undistributed remains of the
night's benevolence. Demo was yawning, not in the least because the
proceedings failed to excite his keen interest, but because he had been
a journalist till three a.m. and had risen at six in order to despatch
a communication to the editor of the Staffordshire Signal by
train. The girls were very playful. Nellie dropped a piece of chocolate
into Ruth's glass, and Ruth fished it out, and bit at it.
“What a jolly taste!” she exclaimed.
And then Nellie bit at it.
“Oh, it's just lovely!” said Nellie, softly.
“Here, dear!” said Ruth, “try it.”
And Denry had to try it, and to pronounce it a delicious novelty
(which indeed it was) and generally to brighten himself up. And all the
time he was murmuring in his heart, “This can't go on.”
Nevertheless, he was obliged to admit that it was he who had invited
Ruth to pass the rest of her earthly life with him, and not vice
“Well, shall we go on somewhere else?” Ruth suggested.
And he paid yet again. He paid and smiled, he who had meant to be
the masterful male, he who deemed himself always equal to a crisis. But
in this crisis he was helpless.
They set off down the pier, brilliant in the brilliant crowd.
Everybody was talking of wrecks and lifeboats. The new lifeboat had
done nothing, having been forestalled by the Prestatyn boat; but
Llandudno was apparently very proud of its brave old worn-out lifeboat
which had brought ashore the entire crew of the Hjalmar, without
casualty, in a terrific hurricane.
“Run along, child,” said Ruth to Nellie, “while uncle and auntie
talk to each other for a minute.”
Nellie stared, blushed, and walked forward in confusion. She was
startled. And Denry was equally startled. Never before had Ruth so
brazenly hinted that lovers must be left alone at intervals. In justice
to her, it must be said that she was a mirror for all the proprieties.
Denry had even reproached her, in his heart, for not sufficiently
showing her desire for his exclusive society. He wondered, now, what
was to be the next revelation of her surprising character.
“I had our bill this morning,” said Ruth.
She leaned gracefully on the handle of her sunshade, and they both
stared at the sea. She was very elegant, with an aristocratic air. The
bill, as she mentioned it, seemed a very negligible trifle.
Nevertheless, Denry's heart quaked.
“Oh!” he said. “Did you pay it?”
“Yes,” said she. “The landlady wanted the money, she told me. So
Nellie gave me her share, and I paid it at once.”
“Oh!” said Denry.
There was a silence. Denry felt as though he were defending a
castle, or as though he were in a dark room and somebody was calling
him, calling him, and he was pretending not to be there and holding his
“But I've hardly enough money left,” said Ruth. “The fact is, Nellie
and I spent such a lot yesterday and the day before.... You've no idea
how money goes!”
“Haven't I?” said Denry. But not to her—only to his own heart.
To her he said nothing.
“I suppose we shall have to go back home,” she ventured lightly.
“One can't run into debt here. They'd claim your luggage.”
“What a pity!” said Denry, sadly.
Just those few words—and the interesting part of the interview was
over! All that followed counted not in the least. She had meant to
induce him to offer to defray the whole of her expenses in
Llandudno—no doubt in the form of a loan; and she had failed. She had
intended him to repair the disaster caused by her chronic extravagance.
And he had only said: “What a pity!”
“Yes, it is!” she agreed bravely, and with a finer disdain than ever
of petty financial troubles. “Still, it can't be helped.”
“No, I suppose not,” said Denry.
There was undoubtedly something fine about Ruth. In that moment she
had it in her to kill Denry with a bodkin. But she merely smiled. The
situation was terribly strained, past all Denry's previous conceptions
of a strained situation; but she deviated with superlative
sang-froid into frothy small talk. A proud and an unconquerable
woman! After all, what were men for, if not to pay?
“I think I shall go home to-night,” she said, after the excursion
“I'm sorry,” said Denry.
He was not coming out of his castle.
At that moment a hand touched his shoulder. It was the hand of
Cregeen, the owner of the old lifeboat.
“Mister,” said Cregeen, too absorbed in his own welfare to notice
Ruth. “It's now or never! Five-and-twenty'll buy the Fleetwing,
if ten's paid down this mornun.”
And Denry replied boldly:
“You shall have it in an hour. Where shall you be?”
“I'll be in John's cabin, under the pier,” said Cregeen, “where ye
found me this mornun.”
“Right,” said Denry.
If Ruth had not been caracoling on her absurdly high horse, she
would have had the truth out of Denry in a moment concerning these
early morning interviews and mysterious transactions in shipping. But
from that height she could not deign to be curious. And so she said
naught. Denry had passed the whole morning since breakfast and had
uttered no word of pre-prandial encounters with mariners, though he had
talked a lot about his article for the Signal and of how he had
risen betimes in order to despatch it by the first train.
And as Ruth showed no curiosity Denry behaved on the assumption that
she felt none. And the situation grew even more strained.
As they walked down the pier towards the beach, at the dinner-hour,
Ruth bowed to a dandiacal man who obsequiously saluted her.
“Who's that?” asked Denry, instinctively.
“It's a gentleman that I was once engaged to,” answered Ruth, with
cold, brief politeness.
Denry did not like this.
The situation almost creaked under the complicated stresses to which
it was subject. The wonder was that it did not fly to pieces long
The pride of the principal actors being now engaged, each person was
compelled to carry out the intentions which he had expressed either in
words or tacitly. Denry's silence had announced more efficiently than
any words that he would under no inducement emerge from his castle.
Ruth had stated plainly that there was nothing for it but to go home at
once, that very night. Hence she arranged to go home, and hence Denry
refrained from interfering with her arrangements. Ruth was lugubrious
under a mask of gaiety; Nellie was lugubrious under no mask whatever.
Nellie was merely the puppet of these betrothed players, her elders.
She admired Ruth and she admired Denry, and between them they were
spoiling the little thing's holiday for their own adult purposes.
Nellie knew that dreadful occurrences were in the air—occurrences
compared to which the storm at sea was a storm in a tea-cup. She knew
partly because Ruth had been so queenly polite, and partly because they
had come separately to St Asaph's Road and had not spent the entire
So quickly do great events loom up and happen that at six o'clock
they had had tea and were on their way afoot to the station. The odd
man of No. 26 St Asaph's Road had preceded them with the luggage. All
the rest of Llandudno was joyously strolling home to its half-past six
high tea— grand people to whom weekly bills were as dust and who were
in a position to stop in Llandudno for ever and ever, if they chose!
And Ruth and Nellie were conscious of the shame which always afflicts
those whom necessity forces to the railway station of a pleasure resort
in the middle of the season. They saw omnibuses loaded with luggage and
jolly souls were actually coming, whose holiday had not yet
properly commenced. And this spectacle added to their humiliation and
their disgust. They genuinely felt that they belonged to the lower
Ruth, for the sake of effect, joked on the most solemn subjects. She
even referred with giggling laughter to the fact that she had borrowed
from Nellie in order to discharge her liabilities for the final
twenty-four hours at the boarding-house. Giggling laughter being
contagious, as they were walking side by side close together, they all
laughed. And each one secretly thought how ridiculous was such
behaviour, and how it failed to reach the standard of true worldliness.
Then, nearer the station, some sprightly caprice prompted Denry to
raise his hat to two young women who were crossing the road in front of
them. Neither of the two young women responded to the homage.
“Who are they?” asked Ruth, and the words were out of her mouth
before she could remind herself that curiosity was beneath her.
“It's a young lady I was once engaged to,” said Denry.
“Which one?” asked the ninny, Nellie, astounded.
“I forget,” said Denry.
He considered this to be one of his greatest retorts—not to Nellie,
but to Ruth. Nellie naturally did not appreciate its loveliness. But
Ruth did. There was no facet of that retort that escaped Ruth's
At length they arrived at the station, quite a quarter of an hour
before the train was due, and half-an-hour before it came in.
Denry tipped the odd man for the transport of the luggage.
“Sure it's all there?” he asked the girls, embracing both of them in
“Yes,” said Ruth, “but where's yours?”
“Oh!” he said. “I'm not going to-night. I've got some business to
attend to here. I thought you understood. I expect you'll be all right,
you two together.”
After a moment, Ruth said brightly: “Oh yes! I was quite forgetting
about your business.” Which was completely untrue, since she knew
nothing of his business, and he had assuredly not informed her that he
would not return with them.
But Ruth was being very brave, haughty, and queenlike, and for this
the precise truth must sometimes be abandoned. The most precious thing
in the world to Ruth was her dignity—and who can blame her? She meant
to keep it at no matter what costs.
In a few minutes the bookstall on the platform attracted them as
inevitably as a prone horse attracts a crowd. Other people were near
the bookstall, and as these people were obviously leaving Llandudno,
Ruth and Nellie felt a certain solace. The social outlook seemed
brighter for them. Denry bought one or two penny papers, and then the
newsboy began to paste up the contents poster of the Staffordshire
Signal, which had just arrived. And on this poster, very prominent,
were the words:—“The Great Storm in North Wales. Special Descriptive
Report.” Denry snatched up one of the green papers and opened it, and
on the first column of the news-page saw his wondrous description,
including the word “Rembrandtesque.” “Graphic Account by a Bursley
Gentleman of the Scene at Llandudno,” said the sub-title. And the
article was introduced by the phrase: “We are indebted to Mr E.H.
Machin, a prominent figure in Bursley,” etc.
It was like a miracle. Do what he would, Denry could not stop his
face from glowing.
With false calm he gave the paper, to Ruth. Her calmness in
receiving it upset him.
“We'll read it in the train,” she said primly, and started to talk
about something else. And she became most agreeable and companionable.
Mixed up with papers and sixpenny novels on the bookstall were a
number of souvenirs of Llandudno—paper-knives, pens, paper-weights,
watch-cases, pen-cases, all in light wood or glass, and ornamented with
coloured views of Llandudno, and also the word “Llandudno” in large
German capitals, so that mistakes might not arise. Ruth remembered that
she had even intended to buy a crystal paper-weight with a view of the
Great Orme at the bottom. The bookstall clerk had several crystal
paper-weights with views of the pier, the Hotel Majestic, the
Esplanade, the Happy Valley, but none with a view of the Great Orme. He
had also paper-knives and watch-cases with a view of the Great Orme.
But Ruth wanted a combination of paper-weight and Great Orme, and
nothing else would satisfy her. She was like that. The clerk admitted
that such a combination existed, but he was sold “out of it.”
“Couldn't you get one and send it to me?” said Ruth.
And Denry saw anew that she was incurable.
“Oh yes, miss,” said the clerk. “Certainly, miss. To-morrow at
latest.” And he pulled out a book. “What name?”
Ruth looked at Denry, as women do look on such occasions.
“Rothschild,” said Denry.
It may seem perhaps strange that that single word ended their
engagement. But it did. She could not tolerate a rebuke. She walked
away, flushing. The bookstall clerk received no order. Several persons
in the vicinity dimly perceived that a domestic scene had occurred, in
a flash, under their noses, on a platform of a railway station. Nellie
was speedily aware that something very serious had happened, for the
train took them off without Ruth speaking a syllable to Denry, though
Denry raised his hat and was almost effusive.
The next afternoon Denry received by post a ring in a box. “I will
not submit to insult,” ran the brief letter.
“I only said 'Rothschild'!” Denry murmured to himself. “Can't a
fellow say 'Rothschild'?”
But secretly he was proud of himself.
CHAPTER V. THE MERCANTILE MARINE
The decisive scene, henceforward historic, occurred in the shanty
known as “John's cabin”—John being the unacknowledged leader of the
long-shore population under the tail of Llandudno pier. The cabin,
festooned with cordage, was lighted by an oil-lamp of a primitive
model, and round the orange case on which the lamp was balanced sat
Denry, Cregeen, the owner of the lifeboat, and John himself (to give,
as it were, a semi-official character to whatever was afoot).
“Well, here you are,” said Denry, and handed to Cregeen a piece of
“What's this, I'm asking ye?” said Cregeen, taking the paper in his
large fingers and peering at it as though it had been a papyrus.
But he knew quite well what it was. It was a cheque for twenty-five
pounds. What he did not know was that, with the ten pounds paid in cash
earlier in the day, it represented a very large part indeed of such of
Denry's savings as had survived his engagement to Ruth Earp. Cregeen
took a pen as though it had been a match-end and wrote a receipt. Then,
after finding a stamp in a pocket of his waistcoat under his jersey, he
put it in his mouth and lost it there for a long time. Finally Denry
got the receipt, certifying that he was the owner of the lifeboat
formerly known as Llandudno, but momentarily without a name,
together with all her gear and sails.
“Are ye going to live in her?” the rather curt John inquired.
“Not in her. On her,” said Denry.
And he went out on to the sand and shingle, leaving John and Cregeen
to complete the sale to Cregeen of the Fleetwing, a small cutter
specially designed to take twelve persons forth for “a pleasant sail in
the bay.” If Cregeen had not had a fancy for the Fleetwing and a
perfect lack of the money to buy her, Denry might never have been able
to induce him to sell the lifeboat.
Under another portion of the pier Denry met a sailor with a long
white beard, the aged Simeon, who had been one of the crew that rescued
the Hjalmar, but whom his colleagues appeared to regard rather
as an ornament than as a motive force.
“It's all right,” said Demo.
And Simeon, in silence, nodded his head slowly several times.
“I shall give you thirty shilling for the week,” said Denry.
And that venerable head oscillated again in the moon-lit gloom and
rocked gradually to a stand-still.
Presently the head said, in shrill, slow tones:
“I've seen three o' them Norwegian chaps. Two of 'em can no more
speak English than a babe unborn; no, nor understand what ye say to
'em, though I fair bawled in their ear-holes.”
“So much the better,” said Denry.
“I showed 'em that sovereign,” said the bearded head, wagging again.
“Well,” said Denry, “you won't forget. Six o'clock to-morrow
“Ye'd better say five,” the head suggested. “Quieter like.”
“Five, then,” Denry agreed.
And he departed to St Asaph's Road burdened with a tremendous
The thought was:
“I've gone and done it this time!”
Now that the transaction was accomplished and could not be undone,
he admitted to himself that he had never been more mad. He could
scarcely comprehend what had led him to do that which he had done. But
he obscurely imagined that his caprice for the possession of sea-going
craft must somehow be the result of his singular adventure with the
pantechnicon in the canal at Bursley. He was so preoccupied with
material interests as to be capable of forgetting, for a quarter of an
hour at a stretch, that in all essential respects his life was wrecked,
and that he had nothing to hope for save hollow worldly success. He
knew that Ruth would return the ring. He could almost see the postman
holding the little cardboard cube which would contain the rendered
ring. He had loved, and loved tragically. (That was how he put it—in
his unspoken thoughts; but the truth was merely that he had loved
something too expensive.) Now the dream was done. And a man of
disillusion walked along the Parade towards St Asaph's Road among
revellers, a man with a past, a man who had probed women, a man who had
nothing to learn about the sex. And amid all the tragedy of his heart,
and all his apprehensions concerning hollow, worldly success, little
thoughts of absurd unimportance kept running about like clockwork mice
in his head. Such as that it would be a bit of a bore to have to tell
people at Bursley that his engagement, which truly had thrilled the
town, was broken off. Humiliating, that! And, after all, Ruth was a
glittering gem among women. Was there another girl in Bursley so smart,
so effective, so truly ornate?
Then he comforted himself with the reflection: “I'm certainly the
only man that ever ended an engagement by just saying 'Rothschild!'“
This was probably true. But it did not help him to sleep.
The next morning at 5.20 the youthful sun was shining on the choppy
water of the Irish Sea, just off the Little Orme, to the west of
Llandudno Bay. Oscillating on the uneasy waves was Denry's lifeboat,
manned by the nodding bearded head, three ordinary British
longshoremen, a Norwegian who could speak English of two syllables, and
two other Norwegians who by a strange neglect of education could speak
nothing but Norwegian.
Close under the headland, near a morsel of beach lay the remains of
the Hjalmar in an attitude of repose. It was as if the
Hjalmar, after a long struggle, had lain down like a cab-horse and
said to the tempest: “Do what you like now!”
“Yes,” the venerable head was piping. “Us can come out comfortable
in twenty minutes, unless the tide be setting east strong. And, as for
getting back, it'll be the same, other way round, if ye understand me.”
There could be no question that Simeon had come out comfortable. But
he was the coxswain. The rowers seemed to be perspiringly aware that
the boat was vast and beamy.
“Shall we row up to it?” Simeon inquired, pointing to the wreck.
Then a pale face appeared above the gunwale, and an expiring,
imploring voice said: “No. We'll go back.” Whereupon the pale face
Denry had never before been outside the bay. In the navigation of
pantechnicons on the squall-swept basins of canals he might have been a
great master, but he was unfitted for the open sea. At that moment he
would have been almost ready to give the lifeboat and all that he owned
for the privilege of returning to land by train. The inward journey was
so long that Denry lost hope of ever touching his native island again.
And then there was a bump. And he disembarked, with hope burning up
again cheerfully in his bosom. And it was a quarter to six.
By the first post, which arrived at half-past seven, there came a
brown package. “The ring!” he thought, starting horribly. But the
package was a cube of three inches, and would have held a hundred
rings. He undid the cover, and saw on half a sheet of notepaper the
“Thank you so much for the lovely time you gave me. I hope you
like this, NELLIE.”
He was touched. If Ruth was hard, mercenary, costly, her young and
ingenuous companion could at any rate be grateful and sympathetic. Yes,
he was touched. He had imagined himself to be dead to all human
affections, but it was not so. The package contained chocolate, and his
nose at once perceived that it was chocolate impregnated with
lemon—the surprising but agreeable compound accidentally invented by
Nellie on the previous day at the pier buffet. The little thing must
have spent a part of the previous afternoon in preparing it, and she
must have put the package in the post at Crewe. Secretive and
delightful little thing! After his recent experience beyond the bay he
had imagined himself to be incapable of ever eating again, but it was
not so. The lemon gave a peculiar astringent, appetising, settling
quality to the chocolate. And he ate even with gusto. The result was
that, instead of waiting for the nine o'clock boarding-house breakfast,
he hurried energetically into the streets and called on a jobbing
printer whom he had seen on the previous evening. As Ruth had said,
“There is nothing like chocolate for sustaining you.”
At ten o'clock two Norwegian sailors, who could only smile in answer
to the questions which assailed them, were distributing the following
handbill on the Parade:—
WRECK OF THE HJALMAR
HEROISM AT LLANDUDNO
Every hour, at 11, 12, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 o'oclock,[sic] THE
(guaranteed) LIFEBOAT which rescued the crew of the
will leave the beach for the scene of the wreck Manned by Simeon
Edwards, the oldest boatman in LLANDUDNO, and by members of the
rescued crew, genuine Norwegians (guaranteed)
SIMEON EDWARDS, Coxswain.
Return Fare, with use of Cork Belt and Life-lines if desired, 2s.
A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY
A UNIQUE EXPERIENCE
P.S.—The bravery of the lifeboatmen has been the theme of
Press throughout the Principality and neighbouring counties.
At eleven o'clock there was an eager crowd down on the beach where,
with some planks and a piece of rock, Simeon had arranged an
embarkation pier for the lifeboat. One man, in overalls, stood up to
his knees in the water and escorted passengers up the planks, while
Simeon's confidence-generating beard received them into the broad waist
of the boat. The rowers wore sou'westers and were secured to the craft
by life-lines, and these conveniences were also offered, with
life-belts, to the intrepid excursionists. A paper was pinned in the
stern: “Licensed to carry Fourteen.” (Denry had just paid the fee.) But
quite forty people were anxious to make the first voyage.
“No more,” shrilled Simeon, solemnly. And the wader scrambled in and
the boat slid away.
“Fares, please!” shrilled Simeon.
He collected one pound fifteen, and slowly buttoned it up in the
right-hand pocket of his blue trousers.
“Now, my lads, with a will,” he gave the order. And then, with
deliberate method, he lighted his pipe. And the lifeboat shot away.
Close by the planks stood a young man in a negligent attitude, and
with a look on his face as if to say: “Please do not imagine that I
have the slightest interest in this affair.” He stared consistently out
to sea until the boat had disappeared round the Little Orme, and then
he took a few turns on the sands, in and out amid the castles. His
heart was beating in a most disconcerting manner. After a time he
resumed his perusal of the sea. And the lifeboat reappeared and grew
larger and larger, and finally arrived at the spot from which it had
departed, only higher up the beach because the tide was rising. And
Simeon debarked first, and there was a small blue and red model of a
lifeboat in his hand, which he shook to a sound of coins.
“For the Lifeboat Fund! For the Lifeboat Fund!” he
Every debarking passenger dropped a coin into the slit.
In five minutes the boat was refilled, and Simeon had put the value
of fourteen more half-crowns into his pocket.
The lips of the young man on the beach moved, and he murmured:
“That makes over three pounds! Well, I'm dashed!”
At the hour appointed for dinner he went to St Asaph's Road, but
could eat nothing. He could only keep repeating very softly to himself,
“Well, I'm dashed!”
Throughout the afternoon the competition for places in the lifeboat
grew keener and more dangerous. Denry's craft was by no means the sole
craft engaged in carrying people to see the wreck. There were dozens of
boats in the business, which had suddenly sprung up that morning, the
sea being then fairly inoffensive for the first time since the height
of the storm. But the other boats simply took what the lifeboat left.
The guaranteed identity of the lifeboat, and of the Norsemen (who
replied to questions in gibberish), and of Simeon himself; the
sou'westers, the life-belts and the lines; even the collection for the
Lifeboat Fund at the close of the voyage: all these matters resolved
themselves into a fascination which Llandudno could not resist.
And in regard to the collection, a remarkable crisis arose. The
model of a lifeboat became full, gorged to the slot. And the Local
Secretary of the Fund had the key. The model was despatched to him by
special messenger to open and to empty, and in the meantime Simeon used
his sou'-wester as a collecting-box. This contretemps was impressive.
At night Denry received twelve pounds odd at the hands of Simeon
Edwards. He showered the odd in largesse on his heroic crew, who had
also received many tips. By the evening post the fatal ring arrived
from Ruth, as he anticipated. He was just about to throw it into the
sea, when he thought better of the idea, and stuck it in his pocket. He
tried still to feel that his life had been blighted by Ruth. But he
could not. The twelve pounds, largely in silver, weighed so heavy in
his pocket. He said to himself: “Of course this can't last!”
Then came the day when he first heard some one saying discreetly
“That's the lifeboat chap!”
Or more briefly:
Implying that in all Llandudno “him” could mean only one person.
And for a time he went about the streets self-consciously. However,
that self-consciousness soon passed off, and he wore his fame as easily
as he wore his collar.
The lifeboat trips to the Hjalmar became a feature of daily
life in Llandudno. The pronunciation of the ship's name went through a
troublous period. Some said the “j” ought to be pronounced to the
exclusion of the “h,” and others maintained the contrary. In the end
the first two letters were both abandoned utterly, also the last—but
nobody had ever paid any attention to the last. The facetious had a
trick of calling the wreck Inkerman. This definite settlement of
the pronunciation of the name was a sign that the pleasure-seekers of
Llandudno had definitely fallen in love with the lifeboat-trip habit.
Denry's timid fear that the phenomenon which put money into his pocket
could not continue, was quite falsified. It continued violently. And
Denry wished that the Hjalmar had been wrecked a month earlier.
He calculated that the tardiness of the Hjalmar in wrecking
itself had involved him in a loss of some four hundred pounds. If only
the catastrophe had happened early in July, instead of early in August,
and he had been there. Why, if forty Hjalmars had been wrecked,
and their forty crews saved by forty different lifeboats, and Denry had
bought all the lifeboats, he could have filled them all!
Still, the regularity of his receipts was extremely satisfactory and
comforting. The thing had somehow the air of being a miracle; at any
rate of being connected with magic. It seemed to him that nothing could
have stopped the visitors to Llandudno from fighting for places in his
lifeboat and paying handsomely for the privilege. They had begun the
practice, and they looked as if they meant to go on with the practice
eternally. He thought that the monotony of it would strike them
unfavourably. But no! He thought that they would revolt against doing
what every one had done. But no! Hundreds of persons arrived fresh from
the railway station every day, and they all appeared to be drawn to
that lifeboat as to a magnet. They all seemed to know instantly and
instinctively that to be correct in Llandudno they must make at least
one trip in Denry's lifeboat.
He was pocketing an income which far exceeded his most golden
visions. And therefore naturally his first idea was to make that income
larger and larger still. He commenced by putting up the price of the
afternoon trips. There was a vast deal too much competition for seats
in the afternoon. This competition led to quarrels, unseemly language,
and deplorable loss of temper. It also led to loss of time. Denry was
therefore benefiting humanity by charging three shillings after two
o'clock. This simple and benign device equalised the competition
throughout the day, and made Denry richer by seven or eight pounds a
But his fertility of invention did not stop there. One morning the
earliest excursionists saw a sort of Robinson Crusoe marooned on the
strip of beach near the wreck. All that heartless fate had left him
appeared to be a machine on a tripod and a few black bags. And there
was no shelter for him save a shallow cave. The poor fellow was quite
respectably dressed. Simeon steered the boat round by the beach, which
shelved down sharply, and as he did so the Robinson Crusoe hid his head
in a cloth, as though ashamed, or as though he had gone mad and
believed himself to be an ostrich. Then apparently he thought the
better of it, and gazed boldly forth again. And the boat passed on its
starboard side within a dozen feet of him and his machine. Then it put
about and passed on the port side. And the same thing occurred on every
trip. And the last trippers of the day left Robinson Crusoe on the
strip of beach in his solitude.
The next morning a photographer's shop on the Parade pulled down its
shutters and displayed posters all over the upper part of its windows.
And the lower part of the windows held sixteen different large
photographs of the lifeboat broad-side on. The likenesses of over a
hundred visitors, many of them with sou'-westers, cork belts, and
life-lines, could be clearly distinguished in these picturesque groups.
A notice said:—
“Copies of any of these magnificent permanent holographs can be
supplied, handsomely mounted, at a charge of two shillings each. Orders
executed in rotation, and delivered by post if necessary. It is
respectfully requested that cash be paid with order. Otherwise orders
cannot be accepted.“
Very few of those who had made the trip could resist the fascination
of a photograph of themselves in a real lifeboat, manned by real heroes
and real Norwegians on real waves, especially if they had worn the gear
appropriate to lifeboats. The windows of the shop were beset throughout
the day with crowds anxious to see who was in the lifeboat, and who had
come out well, and who was a perfect fright. The orders on the first
day amounted to over fifteen pounds, for not everybody was content with
one photograph. The novelty was acute and enchanting, and it renewed
itself each day. “Let's go down and look at the lifeboat photographs,”
people would say, when they were wondering what to do next. Some
persons who had not “taken nicely” would perform a special trip in the
lifeboat and would wear special clothes and compose special faces for
the ordeal. The Mayor of Ashby-de-la-Zouch for that year ordered two
hundred copies of a photograph which showed himself in the centre, for
presentation as New Year's cards. On the mornings after very dull days
or wet days, when photography had been impossible or unsatisfactory,
Llandudno felt that something lacked. Here it may be mentioned that
inclement weather (of which, for the rest, there was little) scarcely
interfered with Denry's receipts. Imagine a lifeboat being deterred by
rain or by a breath of wind! There were tarpaulins. When the tide was
strong and adverse, male passengers were allowed to pull, without extra
charge, though naturally they would give a trifle to this or that
member of the professional crew.
Denry's arrangement with the photographer was so simple that a child
could have grasped it. The photographer paid him sixpence on every
photograph sold. This was Denry's only connection with the
photographer. The sixpences totalled over a dozen pounds a week.
Regardless of cost, Denry reprinted his article from the
Staffordshire Signal descriptive of the night of the wreck, with a
photograph of the lifeboat and its crew, and presented a copy to every
client of his photographic department.
Llandudno was next titillated by the mysterious “Chocolate Remedy,”
which made its first appearance in a small boat that plied off Robinson
Crusoe's strip of beach. Not infrequently passengers in the lifeboat
were inconvenienced by displeasing and even distressing sensations, as
Denry had once been inconvenienced. He felt deeply for them. The
Chocolate Remedy was designed to alleviate the symptoms while
captivating the palate. It was one of the most agreeable remedies that
the wit of man ever invented. It tasted like chocolate and yet there
was an astringent flavour of lemon in it—a flavour that flattered the
stomach into a good opinion of itself, and seemed to say, “All's right
with the world.” The stuff was retailed in sixpenny packets, and you
were advised to eat only a very little of it at a time, and not to
masticate, but merely to permit melting. Then the Chocolate Remedy came
to be sold on the lifeboat itself, and you were informed that if you
“took” it before starting on the wave, no wave could disarrange you.
And, indeed, many persons who followed this advice suffered no
distress, and were proud accordingly, and duly informed the world. Then
the Chocolate Remedy began to be sold everywhere. Young people bought
it because they enjoyed it, and perfectly ignored the advice against
over-indulgence and against mastication. The Chocolate Remedy
penetrated like the refrain of a popular song to other seaside places.
It was on sale from Morecambe to Barmouth, and at all the
landing-stages of the steamers for the Isle of Man and Anglesey.
Nothing surprised Denry so much as the vogue of the Chocolate Remedy.
It was a serious anxiety to him, and he muddled both the manufacture
and distribution of the remedy, from simple ignorance and inexperience.
His chief difficulty at first had been to obtain small cakes of
chocolate that were not stamped with the maker's name or mark.
Chocolate manufacturers seemed to have a passion for imprinting their
Quakerly names on every bit of stuff they sold. Having at length
obtained a supply, he was silly enough to spend time in preparing the
remedy himself in his bedroom! He might as well have tried to feed the
British Army from his mother's kitchen. At length he went to a
confectioner in Rhyl and a greengrocer in Llandudno, and by giving away
half the secret to each, he contrived to keep the whole secret to
himself. But even then he was manifestly unequal to the situation
created by the demand for the Chocolate Remedy. It was a situation that
needed the close attention of half a dozen men of business. It was
quite different from the affair of the lifeboat.
One night a man who had been staying a day or two in the
boarding-house in St Asaph's Road said to Denry:
“Look here, mister. I go straight to the point. What'll you take?”
And he explained what he meant. What would Denry take for the entire
secret and rights of the Chocolate Remedy and the use of the name
“Machin” (“without which none was genuine").
“What do you offer?” Denry asked.
“Well, I'll give you a hundred pounds down, and that's my last
Denry was staggered. A hundred pounds for simply nothing at all—for
dipping bits of chocolate in lemon-juice!
He shook his head.
“I'll take two hundred,” he replied.
And he got two hundred. It was probably the worst bargain that he
ever made in his life. For the Chocolate Remedy continued obstinately
in demand for ten years afterwards. But he was glad to be rid of the
thing; it was spoiling his sleep and wearing him out.
He had other worries. The boatmen of Llandudno regarded him as an
enemy of the human race. If they had not been nature's gentlemen they
would have burned him alive at a stake. Cregeen, in particular,
consistently referred to him in terms which could not have been more
severe had Denry been the assassin of Cregeen's wife and seven
children. In daring to make over a hundred pounds a week out of a
ramshackle old lifeboat that Cregeen had sold to him for thirty-five
pounds, Denry was outraging Cregeen's moral code. Cregeen had paid
thirty-five pounds for the Fleetwinz, a craft immeasurably
superior to Denry's nameless tub. And was Cregeen making a hundred
pounds a week out of it? Not a hundred shillings! Cregeen genuinely
thought that he had a right to half Denry's profits. Old Simeon, too,
seemed to think that he had a right to a large percentage of the
same profits. And the Corporation, though it was notorious that
excursionists visited the town purposely to voyage in the lifeboat, the
Corporation made difficulties—about the embarking and disembarking,
about the photographic strip of beach, about the crowds on the pavement
outside the photograph shop. Denry learnt that he had committed the sin
of not being a native of Llandudno. He was a stranger, and he was
taking money out of the town. At times he wished he could have been
born again. His friend and saviour was the Local Secretary of the
Lifeboat Institution, who happened to be a Town Councillor. This worthy
man, to whom Denry paid over a pound a day, was invaluable to him.
Further, Denry was invited—nay commanded—to contribute to nearly
every church, chapel, mission, and charity in Carnarvonshire,
Flintshire, and other counties. His youthfulness was not accepted as an
excuse. And as his gross profits could be calculated by any dunce who
chose to stand on the beach for half a day, it was not easy for him to
pretend that he was on the brink of starvation. He could only ward off
attacks by stating with vague, convinced sadness that his expenses were
much greater than any one could imagine.
In September, when the moon was red and full, and the sea glassy, he
announced a series of nocturnal “Rocket Fetes.” The lifeboat, hung with
Chinese lanterns, put out in the evening (charge five shillings) and,
followed by half the harbour's fleet of rowing-boats and cutters,
proceeded to the neighbourhood of the strip of beach, where a rocket
apparatus had been installed by the help of the Lifeboat Secretary. The
mortar was trained; there was a flash, a whizz, a line of fire, and a
rope fell out of the sky across the lifeboat. The effect was thrilling
and roused cheers. Never did the Lifeboat Institution receive such an
advertisement as Denry gave it—gratis.
After the rocketing Denry stood alone on the slopes of the Little
Orme and watched the lanterns floating home over the water, and heard
the lusty mirth of his clients in the still air. It was an emotional
experience for him.
“By Jove!” he said, “I've wakened this town up!”
One morning, in the very last sad days of the dying season, when his
receipts had dropped to the miserable figure of about fifty pounds a
week, Denry had a great and pleasing surprise. He met Nellie on the
Parade. It was a fact that the recognition of that innocent, childlike
blushing face gave him joy. Nellie was with her father, Councillor
Cotterill, and her mother. The Councillor was a speculative builder,
who was erecting several streets of British homes in the new quarter
above the new municipal park at Bursley. Denry had already encountered
him once or twice in the way of business. He was a big and portly man
of forty-five, with a thin face and a consciousness of prosperity. At
one moment you would think him a jolly, bluff fellow, and at the next
you would be disconcerted by a note of cunning or of harshness. Mrs
Councillor Cotterill was one of these women who fail to live up to the
ever-increasing height of their husbands. Afflicted with an eternal
stage-fright, she never opened her close-pressed lips in society,
though a few people knew that she could talk as fast and as effectively
as any one. Difficult to set in motion, her vocal machinery was equally
difficult to stop. She generally wore a low bonnet and a mantle. The
Cotterills had been spending a fortnight in the Isle of Man, and they
had come direct from Douglas to Llandudno by steamer, where they meant
to pass two or three days. They were staying at Craig-y-don, at the
eastern end of the Parade.
“Well, young man!” said Councillor Cotterill.
And he kept on young-manning Denry with an easy patronage which
Denry could scarcely approve of. “I bet I've made more money this
summer than you have with all your jerrying!” said Denry silently to
the Councillor's back while the Cotterill family were inspecting the
historic lifeboat on the beach. Councillor Cotterill said frankly that
one reason for their calling at Llandudno was his desire to see this
singular lifeboat, about which there had really been a very great deal
of talk in the Five Towns. The admission comforted Denry. Then the
Councillor recommenced his young-manning.
“Look here,” said Demo, carelessly, “you must come and dine with me
one night, all of you—will you?”
Nobody who has not passed at least twenty years in a district where
people dine at one o'clock, and dining after dark is regarded as a wild
idiosyncrasy of earls, can appreciate the effect of this speech.
The Councillor, when he had recovered himself, said that they would
be pleased to dine with him; Mrs Cotterill's tight lips were seen to
move, but not heard; and Nellie glowed.
“Yes,” said Denry, “come and dine with me at the Majestic.”
The name of the Majestic put an end to the young-manning. It was the
new hotel by the pier, and advertised itself as the most luxurious
hotel in the Principality. Which was bold of it, having regard to the
magnificence of caravanserais at Cardiff. It had two hundred bedrooms,
and waiters who talked English imperfectly; and its prices were
supposed to be fantastic.
After all, the most startled and frightened person of the four was
perhaps Denry. He had never given a dinner to anybody. He had never
even dined at night. He had never been inside the Majestic. He had
never had the courage to go inside the Majestic. He had no notion of
the mysterious preliminaries to the offering of a dinner in a public
But the next morning he contracted to give away the lifeboat to a
syndicate of boatmen, headed by John their leader, for thirty-five
pounds. And he swore to himself that he would do that dinner properly,
even if it cost him the whole price of the boat. Then he met Mrs
Cotterill coming out of a shop. Mrs Cotterill, owing to a strange
hazard of fate, began talking at once. And Denry, as an old shorthand
writer, instinctively calculated that not Thomas Allen Reed himself
could have taken Mrs Cotterill down verbatim. Her face tried to express
pain, but pleasure shone out of it. For she found herself in an
exciting contretemps which she could understand.
“Oh, Mr Machin,” she said, “what do you think's happened? I
don't know how to tell you, I'm sure. Here you've arranged for that
dinner to-morrow and it's all settled, and now Miss Earp telegraphs to
our Nellie to say she's coming to-morrow for a day or two with us. You
know Ruth and Nellie are such friends. It's like as if what must
be, isn't it? I don't know what to do, I do declare. What ever
will Ruth say at us leaving her all alone the first night she comes? I
really do think she might have——”
“You must bring her along with you,” said Denry.
“But won't you—shan't you—won't she—won't it——”
“Not at all,” said Denry. “Speaking for myself, I shall be
“Well, I'm sure you're very sensible,” said Mrs Cotterill. “I was
but saying to Mr Cotterill over breakfast—I said to him——”
“I shall ask Councillor Rhys-Jones to meet you,” said Denry. “He's
one of the principal members of the Town Council here; Local Secretary
of the Lifeboat Institution. Great friend of mine.”
“Oh!” exclaimed Mrs Cotterill, “it'll be quite an affair.”
Denry found to his relief that the only difficult part of arranging
a dinner at the Majestic was the steeling of yourself to enter the
gorgeous portals of the hotel. After that, and after murmuring that you
wished to fix up a little snack, you had nothing to do but listen to
suggestions, each surpassing the rest in splendour, and say “Yes.”
Similarly with the greeting of a young woman who was once to you the
jewel of the world. You simply said, “Good-afternoon, how are you?” And
she said the same. And you shook hands. And there you were, still
The one defect of the dinner was that the men were not in evening
dress. (Denry registered a new rule of life: Never travel without your
evening dress, because you never know what may turn up.) The girls were
radiantly white. And after all there is nothing like white. Mrs
Cotterill was in black silk and silence. And after all there is nothing
like black silk. There was champagne. There were ices. Nellie, not
being permitted champagne, took her revenge in ice. Denry had found an
opportunity to relate to her the history of the Chocolate Remedy. She
said, “How wonderful you are!” And he said it was she who was
wonderful. Denry gave no information about the Chocolate Remedy to her
father. Neither did she. As for Ruth, indubitably she was responsible
for the social success of the dinner. She seemed to have the habit of
these affairs. She it was who loosed tongues. Nevertheless, Denry saw
her now with different eyes, and it appeared incredible to him that he
had once mistaken her for the jewel of the world.
At the end of the dinner Councillor Rhys-Jones produced a sensation
by rising to propose the health of their host. He referred to the
superb heroism of England's lifeboatmen, and in the name of the
Institution thanked Denry for the fifty-three pounds which Denry's
public had contributed to the funds. He said it was a noble
contribution and that Denry was a philanthropist. And he called on
Councillor Cotterill to second the toast. Which Councillor Cotterill
did, in good set terms, the result of long habit. And Denry stammered
that he was much obliged, and that really it was nothing.
But when the toasting was finished, Councillor Cotterill lapsed
somewhat into a patronising irony, as if he were jealous of a youthful
success. And he did not stop at “young man.” He addressed Denry
grandiosely as “my boy.”
“This lifeboat—it was just an idea, my boy, just an idea,” he said.
“Yes,” said Denry, “but I thought of it.”
“The question is,” said the Councillor, “can you think of any more
ideas as good?”
“Well,” said Denry, “can you?”
With reluctance they left the luxury of the private dining-room, and
Denry surreptitiously paid the bill with a pile of sovereigns, and
Councillor Rhys-Jones parted from them with lively grief. The other
five walked in a row along the Parade in the moonlight. And when they
arrived in front of Craig-y-don, and the Cotterills were entering,
Ruth, who loitered behind, said to Denry in a liquid voice:
“I don't feel a bit like going to sleep. I suppose you wouldn't care
for a stroll?”
“I daresay you're very tired,” she said.
“No,” he replied, “it's this moonlight I'm afraid of.”
And their eyes met under the door-lamp, and Ruth wished him pleasant
dreams and vanished. It was exceedingly subtle.
The next afternoon the Cotterills and Ruth Earp went home, and Denry
with them. Llandudno was just settling into its winter sleep, and
Denry's rather complex affairs had all been put in order. Though the
others showed a certain lassitude, he himself was hilarious. Among his
insignificant luggage was a new hat-box, which proved to be the origin
of much gaiety.
“Just take this, will you?” he said to a porter on the platform at
Llandudno Station, and held out the new hat-box with an air of calm.
The porter innocently took it, and then, as the hat-box nearly jerked
his arm out of the socket, gave vent to his astonishment after the
manner of porters.
“By gum, mister!” said he, “that's heavy!”
It, in fact, weighed nearly two stone.
“Yes,” said Denry, “it's full of sovereigns, of course.”
And everybody laughed.
At Crewe, where they had to change, and again at Knype and at
Bursley, he produced astonishment in porters by concealing the effort
with which he handed them the hat-box, as though its weight was ten
ounces. And each time he made the same witticism about sovereigns.
“What have you got in that hat-box?” Ruth asked.
“Don't I tell you?” said Denry, laughing. “Sovereigns!”
Lastly, he performed the same trick on his mother. Mrs Machin was
working, as usual, in the cottage in Brougham Street. Perhaps the
notion of going to Llandudno for a change had not occurred to her. In
any case, her presence had been necessary in Bursley, for she had
frequently collected Denry's rents for him, and collected them very
well. Denry was glad to see her again, and she was glad to see him, but
they concealed their feelings as much as possible. When he basely
handed her the hat-box she dropped it, and roundly informed him that
she was not going to have any of his pranks.
After tea, whose savouriness he enjoyed quite as much as his own
state dinner, he gave her a key and asked her to open the hat-box,
which he had placed on a chair.
“What is there in it?”
“A lot of jolly fine pebbles that I've been collecting on the
beach,” he said.
She got the hat-box on to her knee, and unlocked it, and came to a
thick cloth, which she partly withdrew, and then there was a scream
from Mrs Machin, and the hat-box rolled with a terrific crash to the
tiled floor, and she was ankle-deep in sovereigns. She could see
sovereigns running about all over the parlour. Gradually even the most
active sovereigns decided to lie down and be quiet, and a great silence
ensued. Denry's heart was beating.
Mrs Machin merely shook her head. Not often did her son deprive her
of words, but this theatrical culmination of his home-coming really did
leave her speechless.
Late that night rows of piles of sovereigns decorated the oval table
in the parlour.
“A thousand and eleven,” said Denry, at length, beneath the lamp.
“There's fifteen missing yet. We'll look for 'em to-morrow.”
For several days afterwards Mrs Machin was still picking up
sovereigns. Two had even gone outside the parlour, and down the two
steps into the backyard, and finding themselves unable to get back, had
And all the town knew that the unique Denry had thought of the idea
of returning home to his mother with a hat-box crammed with sovereigns.
This was Denry's “latest,” and it employed the conversation of the
borough for I don't know how long.
CHAPTER VI. HIS BURGLARY
The fact that Denry Machin decided not to drive behind his mule to
Sneyd Hall showed in itself that the enterprise of interviewing the
Countess of Chell was not quite the simple daily trifling matter that
he strove to pretend it was.
The mule was a part of his more recent splendour. It was aged seven,
and it had cost Denry ten pounds. He had bought it off a farmer whose
wife “stood” St Luke's Market. His excuse was that he needed help in
getting about the Five Towns in pursuit of cottage rents, for his
business of a rent-collector had grown. But for this purpose a bicycle
would have served equally well, and would not have cost a shilling a
day to feed, as the mule did, nor have shied at policemen, as the mule
nearly always did. Denry had bought the mule simply because he had been
struck all of a sudden with the idea of buying the mule. Some time
previously Jos Curtenty (the Deputy-Mayor, who became Mayor of Bursley
on the Earl of Chell being called away to govern an Australian colony)
had made an enormous sensation by buying a flock of geese and driving
them home himself. Denry did not like this. He was indeed jealous, if a
large mind can be jealous. Jos Curtenty was old enough to be his
grandfather, and had been a recognised “card” and “character” since
before Denry's birth. But Denry, though so young, had made immense
progress as a card, and had, perhaps justifiably, come to consider
himself as the premier card, the very ace, of the town. He felt that
some reply was needed to Curtenty's geese, and the mule was his reply.
It served excellently. People were soon asking each other whether they
had heard that Denry Machin's “latest” was to buy a mule. He obtained a
little old victoria for another ten pounds, and a good set of harness
for three guineas. The carriage was low, which enabled him, as he said,
to nip in and out much more easily than in and out of a trap. In his
business you did almost nothing but nip in and out. On the front seat
he caused to be fitted a narrow box of japanned tin, with a formidable
lock and slits on the top. This box was understood to receive the
rents, as he collected them. It was always guarded on journeys by a
cross between a mastiff and something unknown, whose growl would have
terrorised a lion-tamer. Denry himself was afraid of Rajah, the dog,
but he would not admit it. Rajah slept in the stable behind Mrs
Machin's cottage, for which Denry paid a shilling a week. In the stable
there was precisely room for Rajah, the mule and the carriage, and when
Denry entered to groom or to harness, something had to go out.
The equipage quickly grew into a familiar sight in the streets of
the district. Denry said that it was funny without being vulgar.
Certainly it amounted to a continual advertisement for him; an
infinitely more effective advertisement than, for instance, a
sandwichman at eighteen-pence a day, and costing no more, even with the
licence and the shoeing. Moreover, a sandwichman has this inferiority
to a turnout: when you have done with him you cannot put him up to
auction and sell him. Further, there are no sandwichmen in the Five
Towns; in that democratic and independent neighbourhood nobody would
deign to be a sandwichman.
The mulish vehicular display does not end the tale of Denry's
splendour. He had an office in St Luke's Square, and in the office was
an office-boy, small but genuine, and a real copying-press, and outside
it was the little square signboard which in the days of his simplicity
used to be screwed on to his mother's door. His mother's steely
firmness of character had driven him into the extravagance of an
office. Even after he had made over a thousand pounds out of the
Llandudno lifeboat in less than three months, she would not listen to a
proposal for going into a slightly larger house, of which one room
might serve as an office. Nor would she abandon her own labours as a
sempstress. She said that since her marriage she had always lived in
that cottage and had always worked, and that she meant to die there,
working: and that Denry could do what he chose. He was a bold youth,
but not bold enough to dream of quitting his mother; besides, his share
of household expenses in the cottage was only ten shillings a week. So
he rented the office; and he hired an office-boy, partly to convey to
his mother that he should do what he chose, and partly for his
own private amusement.
He was thus, at an age when fellows without imagination are fraying
their cuffs for the enrichment of their elders and glad if they can
afford a cigar once a month, in possession of a business, business
premises, a clerical staff, and a private carriage drawn by an animal
unique in the Five Towns. He was living on less than his income; and in
the course of about two years, to a small extent by economies and to a
large extent by injudicious but happy investments, he had doubled the
Llandudno thousand and won the deference of the manager of the bank at
the top of St Luke's Square—one of the most unsentimental men that
ever wrote “refer to drawer” on a cheque.
And yet Denry was not satisfied. He had a secret woe, due to the
facts that he was gradually ceasing to be a card, and that he was not
multiplying his capital by two every six months. He did not understand
the money market, nor the stock market, nor even the financial article
in the Signal; but he regarded himself as a financial genius,
and deemed that as a financial genius he was vegetating. And as for
setting the town on fire, or painting it scarlet, he seemed to have
lost the trick of that.
And then one day the populace saw on his office door, beneath his
name-board, another sign:
FIVE TOWNS UNIVERSAL THRIFT CLUB. Secretary and Manager—E.H.
An idea had visited him.
Many tradesmen formed slate-clubs—goose-clubs, turkey-clubs,
whisky-clubs—in the autumn, for Christmas. Their humble customers paid
so much a week to the tradesmen, who charged them nothing for keeping
it, and at the end of the agreed period they took out the total sum in
goods—dead or alive; eatable, drinkable, or wearable. Denry conceived
a universal slate-club. He meant it to embrace each of the Five Towns.
He saw forty thousand industrial families paying weekly instalments
into his slate-club. He saw his slate-club entering into contracts with
all the principal tradesmen of the entire district, so that the members
of the slate-club could shop with slate-club tickets practically where
they chose. He saw his slate-club so powerful that no tradesman could
afford not to be in relations with it. He had induced all Llandudno to
perform the same act daily for nearly a whole season, and he now wished
to induce all the vast Five Towns to perform the same act to his profit
for all eternity.
And he would be a philanthropist into the bargain. He would
encourage thrift in the working-man and the working-man's wife. He
would guard the working-man's money for him; and to save trouble to the
working-man he would call at the working-man's door for the
working-man's money. Further, as a special inducement and to prove
superior advantages to ordinary slate-clubs, he would allow the working
man to spend his full nominal subscription to the club as soon as he
had actually paid only half of it. Thus, after paying ten shillings to
Denry, the working-man could spend a pound in Denry's chosen shops, and
Denry would settle with the shops at once, while collecting the balance
weekly at the working-man's door. But this privilege of anticipation
was to be forfeited or postponed if the working-man's earlier payments
And Denry would bestow all these wondrous benefits on the
working-man without any charge whatever. Every penny that members paid
in, members would draw out. The affair was enormously philanthropic.
Denry's modest remuneration was to come from the shopkeepers upon
whom his scheme would shower new custom. They were to allow him at
least twopence in the shilling discount on all transactions, which
would be more than 16 per cent. on his capital; and he would turn over
his capital three times a year. He calculated that out of 50 per cent.
per annum he would be able to cover working expenses and a little over.
Of course, he had to persuade the shopkeepers. He drove his mule to
Hanbridge and began with Bostocks, the largest but not the most
distinguished drapery house in the Five Towns. He succeeded in
convincing them on every point except that of his own financial
stability. Bostocks indicated their opinion that he looked far too much
like a boy to be financially stable. His reply was to offer to deposit
fifty pounds with them before starting business, and to renew the sum
in advance as quickly as the members of his club should exhaust it.
Cheques talk. He departed with Bostocks' name at the head of his list,
and he used them as a clinching argument with other shops. But the
prejudice against his youth was strong and general. “Yes,” tradesmen
would answer, “what you say is all right, but you are so young.” As if
to insinuate that a man must be either a rascal or a fool until he is
thirty, just as he must be either a fool or a physician after he is
forty. Nevertheless, he had soon compiled a list of several score
His mother said:
“Why don't you grow a beard? Here you spend money on razors, strops,
soaps and brushes, besides a quarter of an hour of your time every day,
and cutting yourself—all to keep yourself from having something that
would be the greatest help to you in business! With a beard you'd look
at least thirty-one. Your father had a splendid beard, and so could you
if you chose.”
This was high wisdom. But he would not listen to it. The truth is,
he was getting somewhat dandiacal.
At length his scheme lacked naught but what Denry called a
“right-down good starting shove.” In a word, a fine advertisement to
fire it off. Now, he could have had the whole of the first page of the
Signal (at that period) for five-and-twenty pounds. But he had been
so accustomed to free advertisements of one sort or another that the
notion of paying for one was loathsome to him. Then it was that he
thought of the Countess of Chell, who happened to be staying at Knype.
If he could obtain that great aristocrat, that ex-Mayoress, that lovely
witch, that benefactor of the district, to honour his Thrift Club as
patroness, success was certain. Everybody in the Five Towns sneered at
the Countess and called her a busybody; she was even dubbed
“Interfering Iris” (Iris being one of her eleven Christian names); the
Five Towns was fiercely democratic—in theory. In practice the Countess
was worshipped; her smile was worth at least five pounds, and her
invitation to tea was priceless. She could not have been more sincerely
adulated in the United States, the home of social equality.
Denry said to himself:
“And why shouldn't I get her name as patroness? I will have
her name as patroness.”
Hence the expedition to Sneyd Hall, one of the ancestral homes of
the Earls of Chell.
He had been to Sneyd Hall before many times—like the majority of
the inhabitants of the Five Towns—for, by the generosity of its owner,
Sneyd Park was always open to the public. To picnic in Sneyd Park was
one of the chief distractions of the Five Towns on Thursday and
Saturday afternoons. But he had never entered the private gardens. In
the midst of the private gardens stood the Hall, shut off by immense
iron palisades, like a lion in a cage at the Zoo. On the autumn
afternoon of his Historic visit, Denry passed with qualms through the
double gates of the palisade, and began to crunch the gravel of the
broad drive that led in a straight line to the overwhelming Palladian
facade of the Hall.
Yes, he was decidedly glad that he had not brought his mule. As he
approached nearer and nearer to the Countess's front-door his arguments
in favour of the visit grew more and more ridiculous. Useless to remind
himself that he had once danced with the Countess at the municipal
ball, and amused her to the giggling point, and restored her lost fan
to her. Useless to remind himself that he was a quite exceptional young
man, with a quite exceptional renown, and the equal of any man or woman
on earth. Useless to remind himself that the Countess was notorious for
her affability and also for her efforts to encourage the true welfare
of the Five Towns. The visit was grotesque.
He ought to have written. He ought, at any rate, to have announced
his visit by a note. Yet only an hour earlier he had been arguing that
he could most easily capture the Countess by storm, with no warning or
preparations of any kind.
Then, from a lateral path, a closed carriage and pair drove rapidly
up to the Hall, and a footman bounced off the hammercloth. Denry could
not see through the carriage, but under it he could distinguish the
skirts of some one who got put of it. Evidently the Countess was just
returning from a drive. He quickened his pace, for at heart he was an
“She can't eat me,” he said.
This assertion was absolutely irrefutable, and yet there remained in
his bold heart an irrational fear that after all she could eat
him. Such is the extraordinary influence of a Palladian facade!
After what seemed several hours of torture entirely novel in his
experience, he skirted the back of the carriage and mounted the steps
to the portal. And, although the coachman was innocuous, being
apparently carved in stone, Denry would have given a ten-pound note to
find himself suddenly in his club or even in church. The masonry of the
Hall rose up above him like a precipice. He was searching for the
bell-knob in the face of the precipice when a lady suddenly appeared at
the doors. At first he thought it was the Countess, and that heart of
his began to slip down the inside of his legs. But it was not the
“Well?” demanded the lady. She was dressed in black.
“Can I see the Countess?” he inquired.
The lady stared at him. He handed her his professional card which
lay waiting all ready in his waistcoat pocket.
“I will ask my lady,” said the lady in black.
Denry perceived from her accent that she was not English.
She disappeared through a swinging door; and then Denry most clearly
heard the Countess's own authentic voice saying in a pettish, disgusted
And he was chilled. He seriously wished that he had never thought of
starting his confounded Universal Thrift Club.
After some time the carriage suddenly drove off, presumably to the
stables. As he was now within the hollow of the porch, a sort of cave
at the foot of the precipice, he could not see along the length of the
facade. Nobody came to him. The lady who had promised to ask my lady
whether the latter could see him did not return. He reflected that she
had not promised to return; she had merely promised to ask a question.
As the minutes passed he grew careless, or grew bolder, gradually
dropping his correct attitude of a man-about-town paying an afternoon
call, and peered through the glass of the doors that divided him from
the Countess. He could distinguish nothing that had life. One of his
preliminary tremors had been caused by a fanciful vision of
multitudinous footmen, through a double line of whom he would be
compelled to walk in order to reach the Countess.
But there was not even one footman. This complete absence of indoor
footmen seemed to him remiss, not in accordance with centuries of
tradition concerning life at Sneyd.
Then he caught sight, through the doors, of the back of Jock, the
Countess's carriage footman and the son of his mother's old friend.
Jock was standing motionless at a half-open door to the right of the
space between Denry's double doors and the next pair of double doors.
Denry tried to attract his attention by singular movements and strange
noises of the mouth. But Jock, like his partner the coachman, appeared
to be carven in stone. Denry decided that he would go in and have
speech with Jock. They were on Christian-name terms, or had been a few
years ago. He unobtrusively pushed at the doors, and at the very same
moment Jock, with a start—as though released from some spell—vanished
away from the door to the right.
Denry was now within.
“Jock!” He gave a whispering cry, rather conspiratorial in tone. And
as Jock offered no response, he hurried after Jock through the door to
the right. This door led to a large apartment which struck Denry as
being an idealisation of a first-class waiting-room at a highly
important terminal station. In a wall to the left was a small door,
half open. Jock must have gone through that door. Denry hesitated—he
had not properly been invited into the Hall. But in hesitating he was
wrong; he ought to have followed his prey without qualms. When he had
conquered qualms and reached the further door, his eyes were met, to
their amazement, by an immense perspective of great chambers. Denry had
once seen a Pullman car, which had halted at Knype Station with a
French actress on board. What he saw now presented itself to him as a
train of Pullman cars, one opening into the other, constructed for
giants. Each car was about as large as the large hall in Bursley Town
Hall, and, like that auditorium, had a ceiling painted to represent
blue sky, milk-white clouds, and birds. But in the corners were groups
of naked Cupids, swimming joyously on the ceiling; in Bursley Town Hall
there were no naked Cupids. He understood now that he had been quite
wrong in his estimate of the room by which he had come into this
Versailles. Instead of being large it was tiny, and instead of being
luxurious it was merely furnished with miscellaneous odds and ends left
over from far more important furnishings. It was indeed naught but a
nondescript box of a hole insignificantly wedged between the state
apartments and the outer lobby.
For an instant he forgot that he was in pursuit of Jock. Jock was
perfectly invisible and inaudible. He must, however, have gone down the
vista of the great chambers, and therefore Denry went down the vista of
the great chambers after him, curiously expecting to have a glimpse of
his long salmon-tinted coat or his cockaded hat popping up out of some
corner. He reached the other end of the vista, having traversed three
enormous chambers, of which the middle one was the most enormous and
the most gorgeous. There were high windows everywhere to his right, and
to his left, in every chamber, double doors with gilt handles of a
peculiar shape. Windows and doors, with equal splendour, were draped in
hangings of brocade. Through the windows he had glimpses of the gardens
in their autumnal colours, but no glimpse of a gardener. Then a
carriage flew past the windows at the end of the suite, and he had a
very clear though a transient view of two menials on the box-seat; one
of those menials he knew must be Jock. Hence Jock must have escaped
from the state suite by one of the numerous doors.
Denry tried one door after another, and they were all fastened
firmly on the outside. The gilded handles would turn, but the lofty and
ornate portals would not yield to pressure. Mystified and startled, he
went back to the place from which he had begun his explorations, and
was even more seriously startled, and more deeply mystified to find
nothing but a blank wall where he had entered. Obviously he could not
have penetrated through a solid wall. A careful perusal of the wall
showed him that there was indeed a door in it, but that the door was
artfully disguised by painting and other devices so as to look like
part of the wall. He had never seen such a phenomenon before. A very
small glass knob was the door's sole fitting. Denry turned this
crystal, but with no useful result. In the brief space of time since
his entrance, that door, and the door by which Jock had gone, had been
secured by unseen hands. Denry imagined sinister persons bolting all
the multitudinous doors, and inimical eyes staring at him through many
keyholes. He imagined himself to be the victim of some fearful and
Why, in the sacred name of common-sense, should he have been
imprisoned in the state suite? The only answer to the conundrum was
that nobody was aware of his quite unauthorised presence in the state
suite. But then why should the state suite be so suddenly locked up,
since the Countess had just come in from a drive? It then occurred to
him that, instead of just coming in, the Countess had been just
leaving. The carriage must have driven round from some humbler part of
the Hall, with the lady in black in it, and the lady in black—perhaps
a lady's-maid—alone had stepped out from it. The Countess had been
waiting for the carriage in the porch, and had fled to avoid being
forced to meet the unfortunate Denry. (Humiliating thought!) The
carriage had then taken her up at a side door. And now she was gone.
Possibly she had left Sneyd Hall not to return for months, and that was
why the doors had been locked. Perhaps everybody had departed from the
Hall save one aged and deaf retainer—he knew, from historical novels
which he had glanced at in his youth, that in every Hall that respected
itself an aged and deaf retainer was invariably left solitary during
the absences of the noble owner. He knocked on the small disguised
door. His unique purpose in knocking was naturally to make a noise, but
something prevented him from making a noise. He felt that he must knock
decently, discreetly; he felt that he must not outrage the conventions.
No result to this polite summoning.
He attacked other doors; he attacked every door he could put his
hands on; and gradually he lost his respect for decency and the
conventions proper to Halls, knocking loudly and more loudly. He
banged. Nothing but sheer solidity stopped his sturdy hands from going
through the panels. He so far forgot himself as to shake the doors with
all his strength furiously.
And finally he shouted: “Hi there! Hi! Can't you hear?”
Apparently the aged and deaf retainer could not hear. Apparently he
was the deafest retainer that a peeress of the realm ever left in
charge of a princely pile.
“Well, that's a nice thing!” Denry exclaimed, and he noticed that he
was hot and angry. He took a certain pleasure in being angry. He
considered that he had a right to be angry.
At this point he began to work himself up into the state of “not
caring,” into the state of despising Sneyd Hall, and everything for
which it stood. As for permitting himself to be impressed or
intimidated by the lonely magnificence of his environment, he laughed
at the idea; or, more accurately, he snorted at it. Scornfully he
tramped up and down those immense interiors, doing the caged lion, and
cogitating in quest of the right dramatic, effective act to perform in
the singular crisis. Unhappily, the carpets were very thick, so that
though he could tramp, he could not stamp; and he desired to stamp. But
in the connecting doorways there were expanses of bare, highly-polished
oak floor, and here he did stamp.
The rooms were not furnished after the manner of ordinary rooms.
There was no round or square table in the midst of each, with a checked
cloth on it, and a plant in the centre. Nor in front of each window was
there a small table with a large Bible thereupon. The middle parts of
the rooms were empty, save for a group of statuary in the largest room.
Great arm-chairs and double-ended sofas were ranged about in straight
lines, and among these, here and there, were smaller chairs gilded from
head to foot. Round the walls were placed long narrow tables with tops
like glass-cases, and in the cases were all sorts of strange matters—
such as coins, fans, daggers, snuff-boxes. In various corners white
statues stood awaiting the day of doom without a rag to protect them
from the winds of destiny. The walls were panelled in tremendous
panels, and in each panel was a formidable dark oil-painting. The
mantelpieces were so preposterously high that not even a giant could
have sat at the fireplace and put his feet on them. And if they had
held clocks, as mantelpieces do, a telescope would have been necessary
to discern the hour. Above each mantelpiece, instead of a
looking-glass, was a vast picture. The chandeliers were overpowering in
glitter and in dimensions.
Near to a sofa Denry saw a pile of yellow linen things. He picked up
the topmost article, and it assumed the form of a chair. Yes, these
articles were furniture-covers. The Hall, then, was to be shut up. He
argued from the furniture-covers that somebody must enter sooner or
later to put the covers on the furniture.
Then he did a few more furlongs up and down the vista, and sat down
at the far end, under a window. Anyhow, there were always the windows.
High though they were from the floor, he could easily open one,
spring out, and slip unostentatiously away. But he thought he would
wait until dusk fell. Prudence is seldom misplaced. The windows,
however, held a disappointment for him. A mere bar, padlocked,
prevented each one of them from being opened; it was a simple device.
He would be under the necessity of breaking a plate-glass pane. For
this enterprise he thought he would wait until black night. He sat down
again. Then he made a fresh and noisy assault on all the doors. No
result. He sat down a third time, and gazed info the gardens where the
shadows were creeping darkly. Not a soul in the gardens. Then he felt a
draught on the crown of his head, and looking aloft he saw that the
summit of the window had a transverse glazed flap, for ventilation, and
that this flap had been left open. If he could have climbed up, he
might have fallen out on the other side into the gardens and liberty.
But the summit of the window was at least sixteen feet from the floor.
At a vague hour in the evening a stout woman dressed in black, with
a black apron, a neat violet cap on her head, and a small lamp in her
podgy hand, unlocked one of the doors giving entry to the state rooms.
She was on her nightly round of inspection. The autumn moon, nearly at
full, had risen and was shining into the great windows. And in front of
the furthest window she perceived in the radiance of the moonshine a
pyramidal group, somewhat in the style of a family of acrobats,
dangerously arranged on the stage of a music-hall. The base of the
pyramid comprised two settees; upon these were several arm-chairs laid
flat, and on the arm-chairs two tables covered with cushions and rugs;
lastly, in the way of inanimate nature, two gilt chairs. On the gilt
chairs was something that unmistakably moved, and was fumbling with the
top of the window. Being a stout woman with a tranquil and sagacious
mind, her first act was not to drop the lamp. She courageously clung to
“Who's there?” said a voice from the apex of the pyramid.
Then a subsidence began, followed by a crash and a multitudinous
splintering of glass. The living form dropped on to one of the settees,
rebounding like a football from its powerful springs. There was a hole
as big as a coffin in the window. The living form collected itself, and
then jumped wildly through that hole into the gardens.
Denry ran. The moment had not struck him as a moment propitious for
explanation. In a flash he had seen the ridiculousness of endeavouring
to convince a stout lady in black that he was a gentleman paying a call
on the Countess. He simply scrambled to his legs and ran. He ran
aimlessly in the darkness and sprawled over a hedge, after crossing
various flower-beds. Then he saw the sheen of the moon on Sneyd Lake,
and he could take his bearings. In winter all the Five Towns skate on
Sneyd Lake if the ice will bear, and the geography of it was quite
familiar to Denry. He skirted its east bank, plunged into Great Shendon
Wood, and emerged near Great Shendon Station, on the line from Stafford
to Knype. He inquired for the next train in the tones of innocency, and
in half an hour was passing through Sneyd Station itself. In another
fifty minutes he was at home. The clock showed ten-fifteen. His
mother's cottage seemed amazingly small. He said that he had been
detained in Hanbridge on business, that he had had neither tea nor
supper, and that he was hungry. Next morning he could scarcely be sure
that his visit to Sneyd Hall was not a dream. In any event, it had been
a complete failure.
It was on this untriumphant morning that one of the tenants under
his control, calling at the cottage to pay some rent overdue, asked him
when the Universal Thrift Club was going to commence its operations. He
had talked of the enterprise to all his tenants, for it was precisely
with his tenants that he hoped to make a beginning. He had there a
clientele ready to his hand, and as he was intimately acquainted
with the circumstances of each, he could judge between those who would
be reliable and those to whom he would be obliged to refuse membership.
The tenants, conclaving together of an evening on doorsteps, had come
to the conclusion that the Universal Thrift Club was the very
contrivance which they had lacked for years. They saw in it a cure for
all their economic ills, and the gate to Paradise. The dame who put the
question to him on the morning after his defeat wanted to be the
possessor of carpets, a new teapot, a silver brooch, and a cookery
book; and she was evidently depending upon Denry. On consideration he
saw no reason why the Universal Thrift Club should not be allowed to
start itself by the impetus of its own intrinsic excellence. The dame
was inscribed for three shares, paid eighteen-pence entrance fee,
undertook to pay three shillings a week, and received a document
entitling her to spend L3, 18s. in sixty-five shops as soon as she had
paid L1, 19s. to Denry. It was a marvellous scheme. The rumour of it
spread; before dinner Denry had visits from other aspirants to
membership, and he had posted a cheque to Bostocks', but more from
ostentation than necessity; for no member could possibly go into
Bostocks' with his coupons until at least two months had elapsed.
But immediately after dinner, when the posters of the early edition
of the Signal waved in the streets, he had material for other
thought. He saw a poster as he was walking across to his office. The
awful legend ran:
ASTOUNDING ATTEMPTED BURGLARY AT SNEYD HALL.
In buying the paper he was afflicted with a kind of ague. And the
description of events at Sneyd Hall was enough to give ague to a negro.
The account had been taken from the lips of Mrs Gater, housekeeper at
Sneyd Hall. She had related to a reporter how, upon going into the
state suite before retiring for the night, she had surprised a burglar
of Herculean physique and Titanic proportions. Fortunately she knew her
duty, and did not blench. The burglar had threatened her with a
revolver, and then, finding such bluff futile, had deliberately jumped
through a large plate-glass window and vanished. Mrs Gater could not
conceive how the fellow had “effected an entrance.” (According to the
reporter, Mrs Gater said “effected an entrance,” not “got in.” And here
it may be mentioned that in the columns of the Signal burglars
never get into a residence; without exception they invariably effect an
entrance.) Mrs Gater explained further how the plans of the burglar
must have been laid with the most diabolic skill; how he must have
studied the daily life of the Hall patiently for weeks, if not months;
how he must have known the habits and plans of every soul in the place,
and the exact instant at which the Countess had arranged to drive to
Stafford to catch the London express.
It appeared that save for four maidservants, a page, two dogs, three
gardeners, and the kitchen-clerk, Mrs Gater was alone in the Hall.
During the late afternoon and early evening they had all been to assist
at a rat-catching in the stables, and the burglar must have been aware
of this. It passed Mrs Gater's comprehension how the criminal had got
clear away out of the gardens and park, for to set up a hue and cry had
been with her the work of a moment. She could not be sure whether he
had taken any valuable property, but the inventory was being checked.
Though surely for her an inventory was scarcely necessary, as she had
been housekeeper at Sneyd Hall for six-and-twenty years, and might be
said to know the entire contents of the mansion by heart! The police
were at work. They had studied footprints and debris. There was
talk of obtaining detectives from London. Up to the time of going to
press, no clue had been discovered, but Mrs Gater was confident that a
clue would be discovered, and of her ability to recognise the burglar
when he should be caught. His features, as seen in the moonlight, were
imprinted on her mind for ever. He was a young man, well dressed. The
Earl had telegraphed, offering a reward of L20 for the fellow's
capture. A warrant was out.
So it ran on.
Denry saw clearly all the errors of tact which he had committed on
the previous day. He ought not to have entered uninvited. But having
entered, he ought to have held firm in quiet dignity until the
housekeeper came, and then he ought to have gone into full details with
the housekeeper, producing his credentials and showing her unmistakably
that he was offended by the experience which somebody's gross
carelessness had forced upon him.
Instead of all that, he had behaved with simple stupidity, and the
result was that a price was upon his head. Far from acquiring moral
impressiveness and influential aid by his journey to Sneyd Hall, he had
utterly ruined himself as a founder of a Universal Thrift Club. You
cannot conduct a thrift club from prison, and a sentence of ten years
does not inspire confidence in the ignorant mob. He trembled at the
thought of what would happen when the police learned from the Countess
that a man with a card on which was the name of Machin had called at
Sneyd just before her departure.
However, the police never did learn this from the Countess (who had
gone to Rome for the autumn). It appeared that her maid had merely said
to the Countess that “a man” had called, and also that the maid had
lost the card. Careful research showed that the burglar had been
disturbed before he had had opportunity to burgle. And the affair,
after raising a terrific bother in the district, died down.
Then it was that an article appeared in the Signal, signed by
Denry, and giving a full picturesque description of the state
apartments at Sneyd Hall. He had formed a habit of occasional
contributions to the Signal. This article began:—
“The recent sensational burglary at Sneyd Hall has drawn attention
the magnificent state apartments of that unique mansion. As very
but the personal friends of the family are allowed a glimpse of
historic rooms, they being of course quite closed to the public,
have thought that some account of them might interest the readers
the Signal. On the occasion of our last visit...,” etc.
He left out nothing of their splendour.
The article was quoted as far as Birmingham in the Midlands Press.
People recalled Denry's famous waltz with the Countess at the memorable
dance in Bursley Town Hall. And they were bound to assume that the
relations thus begun had been more or less maintained. They were struck
by Denry's amazing discreet self-denial in never boasting of them.
Denry rose in the market of popular esteem. Talking of Denry, people
talked of the Universal Thrift Club, which went quietly ahead, and they
admitted that Denry was of the stuff which succeeds and deserves to
But only Denry himself could appreciate fully how great Denry was,
to have snatched such a wondrous victory out of such a humiliating
His chin slowly disappeared from view under a quite presentable
beard. But whether the beard was encouraged out of respect for his
mother's sage advice, or with the object of putting the housekeeper of
Sneyd Hall off the scent, if she should chance to meet Denry, who shall
CHAPTER VII. THE RESCUER OF DAMES
It next happened that Denry began to suffer from the ravages of a
malady which is almost worse than failure—namely, a surfeit of
success. The success was that of his Universal Thrift Club. This
device, by which members after subscribing one pound in weekly
instalments could at once get two pounds' worth of goods at nearly any
large shop in the district, appealed with enormous force to the
democracy of the Five Towns. There was no need whatever for Denry to
spend money on advertising. The first members of the club did all the
advertising and made no charge for doing it. A stream of people anxious
to deposit money with Denry in exchange for a card never ceased to flow
Into his little office in St Luke's Square. The stream, indeed,
constantly thickened. It was a wonderful invention, the Universal
Thrift Club. And Denry ought to have been happy, especially as his
beard was growing strongly and evenly, and giving him the desired air
of a man of wisdom and stability. But he was not happy. And the reason
was that the popularity of the Thrift Club necessitated much
book-keeping, which he hated.
He was an adventurer, in the old honest sense, and no clerk. And he
found himself obliged not merely to buy large books of account, but to
fill them with figures; and to do addition sums from page to page; and
to fill up hundreds of cards; and to write out lists of shops, and to
have long interviews with printers whose proofs made him dream of
lunatic asylums; and to reckon innumerable piles of small coins; and to
assist his small office-boy in the great task of licking envelopes and
stamps. Moreover, he was worried by shopkeepers; every shopkeeper in
the district now wanted to allow him twopence in the shilling on the
purchases of club members. And he had to collect all the subscriptions,
in addition to his rents; and also to make personal preliminary
inquiries as to the reputation of intending members. If he could have
risen every day at 4 A.M. and stayed up working every night till 4 A.M.
he might have got through most of the labour. He did, as a fact, come
very near to this ideal. So near that one morning his mother said to
him, at her driest:
“I suppose I may as well sell your bedstead. Denry?”
And there was no hope of improvement; instead of decreasing, the
What saved him was the fortunate death of Lawyer Lawton. The aged
solicitor's death put the town into mourning and hung the church with
black. But Denry as a citizen bravely bore the blow because he was able
to secure the services of Penkethman, Lawyer Lawton's eldest clerk,
who, after keeping the Lawton books and writing the Lawton letters for
thirty-five years, was dismissed by young Lawton for being over fifty
and behind the times. The desiccated bachelor was grateful to Denry. He
called Denry “Sir,” or rather he called Denry's suit of clothes “Sir,”
for he had a vast respect for a well-cut suit. On the other hand, he
maltreated the little office-boy, for he had always been accustomed to
maltreating little office-boys, not seriously, but just enough to give
them an interest in life. Penkethman enjoyed desks, ledgers, pens, ink,
rulers, and blotting-paper. He could run from bottom to top of a column
of figures more quickly than the fire-engine could run up Oldcastle
Street; and his totals were never wrong. His gesture with a piece of
blotting-paper as he blotted off a total was magnificent. He liked long
hours; he was thoroughly used to overtime, and his boredom in his
lodgings was such that he would often arrive at the office before the
appointed hour. He asked thirty shillings a week, and Denry in a mood
of generosity gave him thirty-one. He gave Denry his whole life, and
put a meticulous order into the establishment. Denry secretly thought
him a miracle, but up at the club at Porthill he was content to call
him “the human machine.” “I wind him up every Saturday night with a
sovereign, half a sovereign, and a shilling,” said Denry, “and he goes
for a week. Compensated balance adjusted for all temperatures. No
escapement. Jewelled in every hole. Ticks in any position. Made in
This jocularity of Denry's was a symptom that Denry's spirits were
rising. The bearded youth was seen oftener in the streets behind his
mule and his dog. The adventurer had, indeed, taken to the road again.
After an emaciating period he began once more to stouten. He was the
image of success. He was the picturesque card, whom everybody knew and
everybody had pleasure in greeting.
In some sort he was rather like the flag on the Town Hall.
And then a graver misfortune threatened.
It arose out of the fact that, though Denry was a financial genius,
he was in no sense qualified to be a Fellow of the Institute of
Chartered Accountants. The notion that an excess of prosperity may
bring ruin had never presented itself to him, until one day he
discovered that out of over two thousand pounds there remained less
than six hundred to his credit at the bank. This was at the stage of
the Thrift Club when the founder of the Thrift Club was bound under the
rules to give credit. When the original lady member had paid in her two
pounds or so, she was entitled to spend four pounds or so at shops. She
did spend four pounds or so at shops. And Denry had to pay the shops.
He was thus temporarily nearly two pounds out of pocket, and he had to
collect that sum by trifling instalments. Multiply this case by five
hundred, and you will understand the drain on Denry's capital. Multiply
it by a thousand, and you will understand the very serious peril which
overhung Denry. Multiply it by fifteen hundred and you will understand
that Denry had been culpably silly to inaugurate a mighty scheme like
the Universal Thrift Club on a paltry capital of two thousand pounds.
He had. In his simplicity he had regarded two thousand pounds as
Although new subscriptions poured in, the drain grew more
distressing. Yet he could not persuade himself to refuse new members.
He stiffened his rules, and compelled members to pay at his office
instead of on their own doorsteps; he instituted fines for
irregularity. But nothing could stop the progress of the Universal
Thrift Club. And disaster approached. Denry felt as though he were
being pushed nearer and nearer to the edge of a precipice by a
tremendous multitude of people. At length, very much against his
inclination, he put up a card in his window that no new members could
be accepted until further notice, pending the acquisition of larger
offices and other arrangements. For the shrewd, it was a confession of
failure, and he knew it.
Then the rumour began to form, and to thicken, and to spread, that
Denry's famous Universal Thrift Club was unsound at the core, and that
the teeth of those who had bitten the apple would be set on edge.
And Denry saw that something great, something decisive, must be done
and done with rapidity.
His thoughts turned to the Countess of Chell. The original attempt
to engage her moral support in aid of the Thrift Club had ended in a
dangerous fiasco. Denry had been beaten by circumstances. And though he
had emerged from the defeat with credit, he had no taste for defeat. He
disliked defeat even when it was served with jam. And his indomitable
thoughts turned to the Countess again. He put it to himself in this
way, scratching his head:
“I've got to get hold of that woman, and that's all about it!”
The Countess at this period was busying herself with the policemen
of the Five Towns. In her exhaustless passion for philanthropy,
bazaars, and platforms, she had already dealt with orphans, the aged,
the blind, potter's asthma, creches, churches, chapels, schools,
economic cookery, the smoke-nuisance, country holidays, Christmas
puddings and blankets, healthy musical entertainments, and barmaids.
The excellent and beautiful creature was suffering from a dearth of
subjects when the policemen occurred to her. She made the benevolent
discovery that policemen were over-worked, underpaid, courteous and
trustworthy public servants, and that our lives depended on them. And
from this discovery it naturally followed that policemen deserved her
energetic assistance. Which assistance resulted in the erection of a
Policemen's Institute at Hanbridge, the chief of the Five Towns. At the
Institute policemen would be able to play at draughts, read the papers,
and drink everything non-alcoholic at prices that defied competition.
And the Institute also conferred other benefits on those whom all the
five Mayors of the Five Towns fell into the way of describing as “the
stalwart guardians of the law.” The Institute, having been built, had
to be opened with due splendour and ceremony. And naturally the
Countess of Chell was the person to open it, since without her it would
never have existed.
The solemn day was a day in March, and the hour was fixed for three
o'clock, and the place was the large hall of the Institute itself,
behind Crown Square, which is the Trafalgar Square of Hanbridge. The
Countess was to drive over from Sneyd. Had the epoch been ten years
later she would have motored over. But probably that would not have
made any difference to what happened.
In relating what did happen, I confine myself to facts, eschewing
imputations. It is a truism that life is full of coincidences, but
whether these events comprised a coincidence, or not, each reader must
decide for himself, according to his cynicism or his faith in human
The facts are: First, that Denry called one day at the house of Mrs
Kemp a little lower down Brougham Street, Mrs Kemp being friendly with
Mrs Machin, and the mother of Jock, the Countess's carriage-footman,
whom Denry had known from boyhood. Second, that a few days later, when
Jock came over to see his mother, Denry was present, and that
subsequently Denry and Jock went for a stroll together in the cemetery,
the principal resort of strollers in Bursley. Third, that on the
afternoon of the opening ceremony the Countess's carriage broke down in
Sneyd Vale, two miles from Sneyd and three miles from Hanbridge.
Fourth, that five minutes later Denry, all in his best clothes, drove
up behind his mule. Fifth, that Denry drove right past the breakdown,
apparently not noticing it. Sixth, that Jock, touching his hat to Denry
as if to a stranger (for, of course, while on duty a footman must be
dead to all humanities), said:
“Excuse me, sir,” and so caused Denry to stop.
These are the simple facts.
Denry looked round with that careless half-turn of the upper part of
the body which drivers of elegant equipages affect when their attention
is called to something trifling behind them. The mule also looked
round—it was a habit of the mule's—and if the dog had been there the
dog would have shown an even livelier inquisitiveness; but Denry had
left the faithful animal at home.
“Good-afternoon, Countess,” he said, raising his hat, and trying to
express surprise, pleasure, and imperturbability all at once.
The Countess of Chell, who was standing in the road, raised her
lorgnon, which was attached to the end of a tortoiseshell pole about a
foot long, and regarded Denry. This lorgnon was a new device of hers,
and it was already having the happy effect of increasing the sale of
long-handled lorgnons throughout the Five Towns.
“Oh! it's you, is it?” said the Countess. “I see you've grown a
It was just this easy familiarity that endeared her to the district.
As observant people put it, you never knew what she would say next, and
yet she never compromised her dignity.
“Yes,” said Denry. “Have you had an accident?”
“No,” said the Countess, bitterly: “I'm doing this for idle
The horses had been taken out, and were grazing by the roadside like
common horses. The coachman was dipping his skirts in the mud as he
bent down in front of the carriage and twisted the pole to and fro and
round about and round about. The footman, Jock, was industriously
“It's the pole-pin, sir,” said Jock.
Denry descended from his own hammercloth. The Countess was not
smiling. It was the first time that Denry had ever seen her without an
efficient smile on her face.
“Have you got to be anywhere particular?” he asked. Many ladies
would not have understood what he meant. But the Countess was used to
the Five Towns.
“Yes,” said she. “I have got to be somewhere particular. I've got to
be at the Police Institute at three o'clock particular, Mr Machin. And
I shan't be. I'm late now. We've been here ten minutes.”
The Countess was rather too often late for public ceremonies. Nobody
informed her of the fact. Everybody, on the contrary, assiduously
pretended that she had arrived to the very second. But she was well
aware that she had a reputation for unpunctuality. Ordinarily, being
too hurried to invent a really clever excuse, she would assert lightly
that something had happened to her carriage. And now something in truth
had happened to her carriage—but who would believe it at the Police
“If you'll come with me I'll guarantee to get you there by three
o'clock,” said Denry.
The road thereabouts was lonely. A canal ran parallel with it at a
distance of fifty yards, and on the canal a boat was moving in the
direction of Hanbridge at the rate of a mile an hour. Such was the only
other vehicle in sight. The outskirts of Knype, the nearest town, did
not begin until at least a mile further on; and the Countess, dressed
for the undoing of mayors and other unimpressionable functionaries,
could not possibly have walked even half a mile in that rich dark mud.
She thanked him, and without a word to her servants took the seat
Immediately the mule began to trot the Countess began to smile
again. Relief and content were painted upon her handsome features.
Denry soon learnt that she knew all about mules—or almost all. She
told him how she had ridden hundreds of miles on mules in the
Apennines, where there were no roads, and only mules, goats and flies
could keep their feet on the steep, stony paths. She said that a good
mule was worth forty pounds in the Apennines, more than a horse of
similar quality. In fact, she was very sympathetic about mules. Denry
saw that he must drive with as much style as possible, and he tried to
remember all that he had picked up from a book concerning the proper
manner of holding the reins. For in everything that appertained to
riding and driving the Countess was an expert. In the season she hunted
once or twice a week with the North Staffordshire Hounds, and the
Signal had stated that she was a fearless horsewoman. It made this
statement one day when she had been thrown and carried to Sneyd
The mule, too, seemingly conscious of its responsibilities and its
high destiny, put its best foot foremost and behaved in general like a
mule that knew the name of its great-grandfather. It went through Knype
in admirable style, not swerving at the steam-cars nor exciting itself
about the railway bridge. A photographer who stood at his door
manoeuvring a large camera startled it momentarily, until it remembered
that it had seen a camera before. The Countess, who wondered why on
earth a photographer should be capering round a tripod in a doorway,
turned to inspect the man with her lorgnon.
They were now coursing up the Cauldon Bank towards Hanbridge. They
were already within the boundaries of Hanbridge, and a pedestrian here
and there recognised the Countess. You can hide nothing from the
quidnunc of Hanbridge. Moreover, when a quidnunc in the streets of
Hanbridge sees somebody famous or striking, or notorious, he does not
pretend that he has seen nobody. He points unmistakably to what he has
observed, if he has a companion, and if he has no companion he stands
still and stares with such honest intensity that the entire street
stands and stares too. Occasionally you may see an entire street
standing and staring without any idea of what it is staring at. As the
equipage dashingly approached the busy centre of Hanbridge, the region
of fine shops, public-houses, hotels, halls, and theatres, more and
more of the inhabitants knew that Iris (as they affectionately called
her) was driving with a young man in a tumble-down little victoria
behind a mule whose ears flapped like an elephant's. Denry being far
less renowned in Hanbridge than in his native Bursley, few persons
recognised him. After the victoria had gone by people who had heard the
news too late rushed from shops and gazed at the Countess's back as at
a fading dream until the insistent clang of a car-bell made them jump
again to the footpath.
At length Denry and the Countess could see the clock of the Old Town
Hall in Crown Square and it was a minute to three. They were less than
a minute off the Institute.
“There you are!” said Denry, proudly. “Three miles if it's a yard,
in seventeen minutes. For a mule it's none so dusty.”
And such was the Countess's knowledge of the language of the Five
Towns that she instantly divined the meaning of even that phrase, “none
They swept into Crown Square grandly.
And then, with no warning, the mule suddenly applied all the
automatic brakes which a mule has, and stopped.
“Oh Lor!” sighed Denry. He knew the cause of that arresting.
A large squad of policemen, a perfect regiment of policemen, was
moving across the north side of the square in the direction of the
Institute. Nothing could have seemed more reassuring, less harmful,
than that band of policemen, off duty for the afternoon and collected
together for the purpose of giving a hearty and policemanly welcome to
their benefactress the Countess. But the mule had his own views about
policemen. In the early days of Denry's ownership of him he had nearly
always shied at the spectacle of a policemen. He would tolerate
steam-rollers, and even falling kites, but a policeman had ever been
antipathetic to him. Denry, by patience and punishment, had gradually
brought him round almost to the Countess's views of policemen—namely,
that they were a courteous and trustworthy body of public servants, not
to be treated as scarecrows or the dregs of society. At any rate, the
mule had of late months practically ceased to set his face against the
policing of the Five Towns. And when he was on his best behaviour he
would ignore a policeman completely.
But there were several hundreds of policemen in that squad, the
majority of all the policemen in the Five Towns. And clearly the mule
considered that Denry, in confronting him with several hundred
policemen simultaneously, had been presuming upon his good-nature.
The mule's ears were saying agitatedly:
“A line must be drawn somewhere, and I have drawn it where my
forefeet now are.”
The mule's ears soon drew together a little crowd.
It occurred to Denry that if mules were so wonderful in the
Apennines the reason must be that there are no policemen in the
Apennines. It also occurred to him that something must be done to this
“Well?” said the Countess, inquiringly.
It was a challenge to him to prove that he and not the mule was in
charge of the expedition.
He briefly explained the mule's idiosyncrasy, as it were apologising
for its bad taste in objecting to public servants whom the Countess
“They'll be out of sight in a moment,” said the Countess. And both
she and Demo tried to look as if the victoria had stopped in that
special spot for a special reason, and that the mule was a pattern of
obedience. Nevertheless, the little crowd was growing a little larger.
“Now,” said the Countess, encouragingly. The tail of the regiment of
policemen had vanished towards the Institute.
“Tchk! Tchk!” Denry persuaded the mule.
No response from those forefeet!
“Perhaps I'd better get out and walk,” the Countess suggested. The
crowd was becoming inconvenient, and had even begun to offer
unsolicited hints as to the proper management of mules. The crowd was
also saying to itself: “It's her! It's her! It's her!” Meaning that it
was the Countess.
“Oh no,” said Denry, “it's all right.”
And he caught the mule “one” over the head with his whip.
The mule, stung into action, dashed away, and the crowd scattered as
if blown to pieces by the explosion of a bomb. Instead of pursuing a
right line the mule turned within a radius of its own length, swinging
the victoria round after it as though the victoria had been a kettle
attached to it with string. And Countess, Denry, and victoria were rapt
with miraculous swiftness away—not at all towards the Policemen's
Institute, but down Longshaw Road, which is tolerably steep. They were
pursued, but ineffectually. For the mule had bolted and was winged.
They fortunately came into contact with nothing except a large barrow
of carrots, turnips, and cabbages which an old woman was wheeling up
Longshaw Road. The concussion upset the barrow, half filled the
victoria with vegetables, and for a second stayed the mule; but no real
harm seemed to have been done, and the mule proceeded with vigour. Then
the Countess noticed that Denry was not using his right arm, which
swung about rather uselessly.
“I must have knocked my elbow against the barrow,” he muttered. His
face was pale.
“Give me the reins,” said the Countess.
“I think I can turn the brute up here,” he said.
And he did in fact neatly divert the mule up Birches Street, which
is steeper even than Longshaw Road. The mule for a few instants
pretended that all gradients, up or down, were equal before its angry
might. But Birches Street has the slope of a house-roof. Presently the
mule walked, and then it stood still. And half Birches Street emerged
to gaze, for the Countess's attire was really very splendid.
“I'll leave this here, and we'll walk back,” said Denry. “You won't
be late—that is, nothing to speak of. The Institute is just round the
“You don't mean to say you're going to let that mule beat you?”
exclaimed the Countess.
“I was only thinking of your being late.”
“Oh, bother!” said she. “Your mule may be ruined.” The horse-trainer
in her was aroused.
“And then my arm?” said Denry.
“Shall I drive back?” the Countess suggested.
“Oh, do,” said Denry. “Keep on up the street, and then to the left.”
They changed places, and two minutes later she brought the mule to
an obedient rest in front of the Police Institute, which was all newly
red with terra-cotta. The main body of policemen had passed into the
building, but two remained at the door, and the mule haughtily
tolerated them. The Countess despatched one to Longshaw Road to settle
with the old woman whose vegetables they had brought away with them.
The other policeman, who, owing to the Countess's philanthropic energy,
had received a course of instruction in first aid, arranged a sling for
Denry's arm. And then the Countess said that Denry ought certainly to
go with her to the inauguration ceremony. The policeman whistled a boy
to hold the mule. Denry picked a carrot out of the complex folds of the
Countess's rich costume. And the Countess and her saviour entered the
portico and were therein met by an imposing group of important male
personages, several of whom wore mayoral chains. Strange tales of what
had happened to the Countess had already flown up to the Institute, and
the chief expression on the faces of the group seemed to be one of
astonishment that she still lived.
Denry observed that the Countess was now a different woman. She had
suddenly put on a manner to match her costume, which in certain parts
was stiff with embroidery. From the informal companion and the tamer of
mules she had miraculously developed into the public celebrity, the
peeress of the realm, and the inaugurator-general of philanthropic
schemes and buildings. Not one of the important male personages but
would have looked down on Denry!
And yet, while treating Denry as a jolly equal, the Countess with
all her embroidered and stiff politeness somehow looked down on the
important male personages—and they knew it. And the most curious thing
was that they seemed rather to enjoy it. The one who seemed to enjoy it
the least was Sir Jehoshophat Dain, a white-bearded pillar of terrific
Sir Jee—as he was then beginning to be called—had recently been
knighted, by way of reward for his enormous benefactions to the
community. In the role of philanthropist he was really much more
effective than the Countess. But he was not young, he was not pretty,
he was not a woman, and his family had not helped to rule England for
generations—at any rate, so far as anybody knew. He had made more
money than had ever before been made by a single brain in the
manufacture of earthenware, and he had given more money to public
causes than a single pocket had ever before given in the Five Towns. He
had never sought municipal honours, considering himself to be somewhat
above such trifles. He was the first purely local man to be knighted in
the Five Towns. Even before the bestowal of the knighthood his sense of
humour had been deficient, and immediately afterwards it had vanished
entirely. Indeed, he did not miss it. He divided the population of the
kingdom into two classes—the titled and the untitled. With Sir Jee,
either you were titled, or you weren't. He lumped all the untitled
together; and to be just to his logical faculty, he lumped all the
titled together. There were various titles—Sir Jee admitted that—but
a title was a title, and therefore all titles were practically equal.
The Duke of Norfolk was one titled individual, and Sir Jee was another.
The fine difference between them might be perceptible to the titled,
and might properly be recognised by the titled when the titled were
among themselves, but for the untitled such a difference ought not to
exist and could not exist.
Thus for Sir Jee there were two titled beings in the group—the
Countess and himself. The Countess and himself formed one caste in the
group, and the rest another caste. And although the Countess, in her
punctilious demeanour towards him, gave due emphasis to his title (he
returning more than due emphasis to hers), he was not precisely pleased
by the undertones of suave condescension that characterised her
greeting of him as well as her greeting of the others. Moreover, he had
known Denry as a clerk of Mr Duncalf's, for Mr Duncalf had done a lot
of legal work for him in the past. He looked upon Denry as an upstart,
a capering mountebank, and he strongly resented Denry's familiarity
with the Countess. He further resented Denry's sling, which gave to
Denry an interesting romantic aspect (despite his beard), and he more
than all resented that Denry should have rescued the Countess from a
carriage accident by means of his preposterous mule. Whenever the
Countess, in the preliminary chatter, referred to Denry or looked at
Denry, in recounting the history of her adventures, Sir Jee's soul
squirmed, and his body sympathised with his soul. Something in him that
was more powerful than himself compelled him to do his utmost to reduce
Denry to a moral pulp, to flatten him, to ignore him, or to exterminate
him by the application of ice. This tactic was no more lost on the
Countess than it was on Denry. And the Countess foiled it at every
instant. In truth, there existed between the Countess and Sir Jee a
rather hot rivalry in philanthropy and the cultivation of the higher
welfare of the district. He regarded himself, and she regarded herself,
as the most brightly glittering star of the Five Towns.
When the Countess had finished the recital of her journey, and the
faces of the group had gone through all the contortions proper to
express terror, amazement, admiration, and manly sympathy, Sir Jee took
the lead, coughed, and said in his elaborate style:
“Before we adjourn to the hall, will not your ladyship take a little
“Oh no, thanks,” said the Countess. “I'm not a bit upset.” Then she
turned to the enslinged Denry and with concern added: “But will you
If she could have foreseen the consequences of her question, she
might never have put it. Still, she might have put it just the same.
Denry paused an instant, and an old habit rose up in him.
“Oh no, thanks,” he said, and turning deliberately to Sir Jee, he
added: “Will you?”
This, of course, was mere crude insolence to the titled
philanthropic white-beard. But it was by no means the worst of Denry's
behaviour. The group—every member of the group—distinctly perceived a
movement of Denry's left hand towards Sir Jee. It was the very
slightest movement, a wavering, a nothing. It would have had no
significance whatever, but for one fact. Denry's left hand still held
Everybody exhibited the most marvellous self-control. And everybody
except Sir Jee was secretly charmed, for Sir Jee had never inspired
love. It is remarkable how local philanthropists are unloved, locally.
The Countess, without blenching, gave the signal for what Sir Jee
called the “adjournment” to the hall. Nothing might have happened, yet
everything had happened.
Next, Denry found himself seated on the temporary platform which had
been erected in the large games hall of the Policemen's Institute.
The Mayor of Hanbridge was in the chair, and he had the Countess on
his right and the Mayoress of Bursley on his left. Other mayoral chains
blazed in the centre of the platform, together with fine hats of
mayoresses and uniforms of police-superintendents and captains of
fire-brigades. Denry's sling also contributed to the effectiveness; he
was placed behind the Countess. Policemen (looking strange without
helmets) and their wives, sweethearts, and friends, filled the hall to
its fullest; enthusiasm was rife and strident; and there was only one
little sign that the untoward had occurred. That little sign was an
empty chair in the first row near the Countess. Sir Jee, a prey to a
sudden indisposition, had departed. He had somehow faded away, while
the personages were climbing the stairs. He had faded away amid the
expressed regrets of those few who by chance saw him in the act of
fading. But even these bore up manfully. The high humour of the
gathering was not eclipsed.
Towards the end of the ceremony came the votes of thanks, and the
principal of these was the vote of thanks to the Countess, prime cause
of the Institute. It was proposed by the Superintendent of the
Hanbridge Police. Other personages had wished to propose it, but the
stronger right of the Hanbridge Superintendent, as chief officer of the
largest force of constables in the Five Towns, could not be disputed.
He made a few facetious references to the episode of the Countess's
arrival, and brought the house down by saying that if he did his duty
he would arrest both the Countess and Denry for driving to the common
danger. When he sat down, amid tempestuous applause, there was a hitch.
According to the official programme Sir Jehoshophat Dain was to have
seconded the vote, and Sir Jee was not there. All that remained of Sir
Jee was his chair. The Mayor of Hanbridge looked round about, trying
swiftly to make up his mind what was to be done, and Denry heard him
whisper to another mayor for advice.
“Shall I do it?” Denry whispered, and by at once rising relieved the
Mayor from the necessity of coming to a decision.
Impossible to say why Denry should have risen as he did, without any
warning. Ten seconds before, five seconds before, he himself had not
the dimmest idea that he was about to address the meeting. All that can
be said is that he was subject to these attacks of the unexpected.
Once on his legs he began to suffer, for he had never before been on
his legs on a platform, or even on a platform at all. He could see
nothing whatever except a cloud that had mysteriously and with
frightful suddenness filled the room. And through this cloud he could
feel that hundreds and hundreds of eyes were piercingly fixed upon him.
A voice was saying inside him—“What a fool you are! What a fool you
are! I always told you you were a fool!” And his heart was beating as
it had never beat, and his forehead was damp, his throat distressingly
dry, and one foot nervously tap-tapping on the floor. This condition
lasted for something like ten hours, during which time the eyes
continued to pierce the cloud and him with patient, obstinate cruelty.
Denry heard some one talking. It was himself.
The Superintendent had said: “I have very great pleasure in
proposing the vote of thanks to the Countess of Chell.”
And so Denry heard himself saying: “I have very great pleasure in
seconding the vote of thanks to the Countess of Chell.”
He could not think of anything else to say. And there was a pause, a
real pause, not a pause merely in Denry's sick imagination.
Then the cloud was dissipated. And Denry himself said to the
audience of policemen, with his own natural tone, smile and gesture,
colloquially, informally, comically:
“Now then! Move along there, please! I'm not going to say any more!”
And for a signal he put his hands in the position for applauding.
And sat down.
He had tickled the stout ribs of every bobby in the place. The
applause surpassed all previous applause. The most staid ornaments of
the platform had to laugh. People nudged each other and explained that
it was “that chap Machin from Bursley,” as if to imply that that chap
Machin from Bursley never let a day pass without doing something
striking and humorous. The Mayor was still smiling when he put the vote
to the meeting, and the Countess was still smiling when she responded.
Afterwards in the portico, when everything was over, Denry exercised
his right to remain in charge of the Countess. They escaped from the
personages by going out to look for her carriage and neglecting to
return. There was no sign of the Countess's carriage, but Denry's mule
and victoria were waiting in a quiet corner.
“May I drive you home?” he suggested.
But she would not. She said that she had a call to pay before
dinner, and that her brougham would surely arrive the very next minute.
“Will you come and have tea at the Sub Rosa?” Denry next asked.
“The Sub Rosa?” questioned the Countess.
“Well,” said Denry, “that's what we call the new tea-room that's
just been opened round here.” He indicated a direction. “It's quite a
novelty in the Five Towns.”
The Countess had a passion for tea.
“They have splendid China tea,” said Denry.
“Well,” said the Countess, “I suppose I may as well go through with
At the moment her brougham drove up. She instructed her coachman to
wait next to the mule and victoria. Her demeanour had cast off all its
similarity to her dress: it appeared to imply that, as she had begun
with a mad escapade, she ought to finish with another one.
Thus the Countess and Denry went to the tea-shop, and Denry ordered
tea and paid for it. There was scarcely a customer in the place, and
the few who were fortunate enough to be present had not the wit to
recognise the Countess. The proprietress did not recognise the
Countess. (Later, when it became known that the Countess had actually
patronised the Sub Rosa, half the ladies of Hanbridge were almost ill
from sheer disgust that they had not heard of it in time. It would have
been so easy for them to be there, taking tea at the next table to the
Countess, and observing her choice of cakes, and her manner of holding
a spoon, and whether she removed her gloves or retained them in the
case of a meringue. It was an opportunity lost that would in all human
probability never occur again.)
And in the discreet corner which she had selected the Countess fired
a sudden shot at Denry.
“How did you get all those details about the state rooms at Sneyd?”
Upon which opening the conversation became lively.
The same evening Denry called at the Signal office and gave
an order for a half-page advertisement of the Five Towns Universal
Thrift Club—“Patroness, the Countess of Chell.” The advertisement
informed the public that the club had now made arrangements to accept
new members. Besides the order for a half-page advertisement, Denry
also gave many interesting and authentic details about the historic
drive from Sneyd Vale to Hanbridge. The next day the Signal was
simply full of Denry and the Countess. It had a large photograph, taken
by a photographer on Cauldon Bank, which showed Denry actually driving
the Countess, and the Countess's face was full in the picture. It
presented, too, an excellently appreciative account of Denry's speech,
and it congratulated Denry on his first appearance in the public life
of the Five Towns. (In parenthesis it sympathised with Sir Jee in his
indisposition.) In short, Denry's triumph obliterated the memory of his
previous triumphs. It obliterated, too, all rumours adverse to the
Thrift Club. In a few days he had a thousand new members. Of course,
this addition only increased his liabilities; but now he could obtain
capital on fair terms, and he did obtain it. A company was formed. The
Countess had a few shares in this company. So (strangely) had Jock and
his companion the coachman. Not the least of the mysteries was that
when Denry reached his mother's cottage on the night of the tea with
the Countess, his arm was not in a sling, and showed no symptom of
having been damaged.
CHAPTER VIII. RAISING A WIGWAM
A still young man—his age was thirty—with a short, strong beard
peeping out over the fur collar of a vast overcoat, emerged from a cab
at the snowy corner of St Luke's Square and Brougham Street, and paid
the cabman with a gesture that indicated both wealth and the habit of
command. And the cabman, who had driven him over from Hanbridge through
the winter night, responded accordingly. Few people take cabs in the
Five Towns. There are few cabs to take. If you are going to a party you
may order one in advance by telephone, reconciling yourself also in
advance to the expense, but to hail a cab in the street without
forethought and jump into it as carelessly as you would jump into a
tram—this is by very few done. The young man with the beard did it
frequently, which proved that he was fundamentally ducal.
He was encumbered with a large and rather heavy parcel as he walked
down Brougham Street, and, moreover, the footpath of Brougham Street
was exceedingly dirty. And yet no one acquainted with the circumstances
of his life would have asked why he had dismissed the cab before
arriving at his destination, because every one knew. The reason was
that this ducal person, with the gestures of command, dared not drive
up to his mother's door in a cab oftener than about once a month. He
opened that door with a latch-key (a modern lock was almost the only
innovation that he had succeeded in fixing on his mother), and stumbled
with his unwieldy parcel into the exceedingly narrow lobby.
“Is that you, Denry?” called a feeble voice from the parlour.
“Yes,” said he, and went into the parlour, hat, fur coat, parcel,
Mrs Machin, in a shawl and an antimacassar over the shawl, sat close
to the fire and leaning towards it. She looked cold and ill. Although
the parlour was very tiny and the fire comparatively large, the
structure of the grate made it impossible that the room should be warm,
as all the heat went up the chimney. If Mrs Machin had sat on the roof
and put her hands over the top of the chimney, she would have been much
warmer than at the grate.
“You aren't in bed?” Denry queried.
“Can't ye see?” said his mother. And, indeed, to ask a woman who was
obviously sitting up in a chair whether she was in bed, did seem
somewhat absurd. She added, less sarcastically: “I was expecting ye
every minute. Where have ye had your tea?”
“Oh!” he said lightly, “in Hanbridge.”
An untruth! He had not had his tea anywhere. But he had dined richly
at the new Hotel Metropole, Hanbridge.
“What have ye got there?” asked his mother.
“A present for you,” said Denry. “It's your birthday to-morrow.”
“I don't know as I want reminding of that,” murmured Mrs Machin.
But when he had undone the parcel and held up the contents before
her, she exclaimed:
The staggered tone was an admission that for once in a way he had
It was a magnificent sealskin mantle, longer than sealskin mantles
usually are. It was one of those articles the owner of which can say:
“Nobody can have a better than this—I don't care who she is.” It was
worth in monetary value all the plain, shabby clothes on Mrs Machin's
back, and all her very ordinary best clothes upstairs, and all the
furniture in the entire house, and perhaps all Denry's dandiacal
wardrobe too, except his fur coat. If the entire contents of the
cottage, with the aforesaid exception, had been put up to auction, they
would not have realised enough to pay for that sealskin mantle.
Had it been anything but a sealskin mantle, and equally costly, Mrs
Machin would have upbraided. But a sealskin mantle is not “showy.” It
“goes with” any and every dress and bonnet. And the most respectable,
the most conservative, the most austere woman may find legitimate
pleasure in wearing it. A sealskin mantle is the sole luxurious
ostentation that a woman of Mrs Machin's temperament—and there are
many such in the Five Towns and elsewhere—will conscientiously permit
“Try it on,” said Denry.
She rose weakly and tried it on. It fitted as well as a sealskin
mantle can fit.
“My word—it's warm!” she said. This was her sole comment.
“Keep it on,” said Denry.
His mother's glance withered the suggestion.
“Where are you going?” he asked, as she left the room.
“To put it away,” said she. “I must get some moth-powder to-morrow.”
He protested with inarticulate noises, removed his own furs, which
he threw down on to the old worn-out sofa, and drew a Windsor chair up
to the fire. After a while his mother returned, and sat down in her
rocking-chair, and began to shiver again under the shawl and the
antimacassar. The lamp on the table lighted up the left side of her
face and the right side of his.
“Look here, mother,” said he, “you must have a doctor.”
“I shall have no doctor.”
“You've got influenza, and it's a very tricky business—influenza
is; you never know where you are with it.”
“Ye can call it influenza if ye like,” said Mrs Machin. “There was
no influenza in my young days. We called a cold a cold.”
“Well,” said Denry, “you aren't well, are you?”
“I never said I was,” she answered grimly.
“No,” said Denry, with the triumphant ring of one who is about to
devastate an enemy. “And you never will be in this rotten old cottage.”
“This was reckoned a very good class of house when your father and I
came into it. And it's always been kept in repair. It was good enough
for your father, and it's good enough for me. I don't see myself
flitting. But some folks have gotten so grand. As for health, old
Reuben next door is ninety-one. How many people over ninety are there
in those gimcrack houses up by the Park, I should like to know?”
Denry could argue with any one save his mother. Always, when he was
about to reduce her to impotence, she fell on him thus and rolled him
in the dust. Still, he began again.
“Do we pay four-and-sixpence a week for this cottage, or don't we?”
“And always have done,” said Mrs Machin. “I should like to see the
landlord put it up,” she added, formidably, as if to say: “I'd landlord
him, if he tried to put my rent up!”
“Well,” said Denry, “here we are living in a four-and-six-a-week
cottage, and do you know how much I'm making? I'm making two thousand
pounds a year. That's what I'm making.”
A second wilful deception of his mother! As Managing Director of the
Five Towns Universal Thrift Club, as proprietor of the majority of its
shares, as its absolute autocrat, he was making very nearly four
thousand a year. Why could he not as easily have said four as two to
his mother? The simple answer is that he was afraid to say four. It was
as if he ought to blush before his mother for being so plutocratic, his
mother who had passed most of her life in hard toil to gain a few
shillings a week. Four thousand seemed so fantastic! And in fact the
Thrift Club, which he had invented in a moment, had arrived at a
prodigious success, with its central offices in Hanbridge and its
branch offices in the other four towns, and its scores of clerks and
collectors presided over by Mr Penkethman. It had met with opposition.
The mighty said that Denry was making an unholy fortune under the guise
of philanthropy. And to be on the safe side the Countess of Chell had
resigned her official patronage of the club and given her shares to the
Pirehill Infirmary, which had accepted the high dividends on them
without the least protest. As for Denry, he said that he had never set
out to be a philanthropist nor posed as one, and that his unique
intention was to grow rich by supplying a want, like the rest of them,
and that anyhow there was no compulsion to belong to his Thrift Club.
Then letters in his defence from representatives of the thousands and
thousands of members of the club rained into the columns of the
Signal, and Denry was the most discussed personage in the county.
It was stated that such thrift clubs, under various names, existed in
several large towns in Yorkshire and Lancashire. This disclosure
rehabilitated Denry completely in general esteem, for whatever obtains
in Yorkshire and Lancashire must be right for Staffordshire; but it
rather dashed Denry, who was obliged to admit to himself that after all
he had not invented the Thrift Club. Finally the hundreds of tradesmen
who had bound themselves to allow a discount of twopence in the
shilling to the club (sole source of the club's dividends) had
endeavoured to revolt. Denry effectually cowed them by threatening to
establish co-operative stores—there was not a single co-operative
store in the Five Towns. They knew he would have the wild audacity to
Thenceforward the progress of the Thrift Club had been unruffled.
Denry waxed amazingly in importance. His mule died. He dared not buy a
proper horse and dogcart, because he dared not bring such an equipage
to the front door of his mother's four-and-sixpenny cottage. So he had
taken to cabs. In all exterior magnificence and lavishness he equalled
even the great Harold Etches, of whom he had once been afraid; and like
Etches he became a famous habitue of Llandudno pier. But whereas
Etches lived with his wife in a superb house at Bleakridge, Denry lived
with his mother in a ridiculous cottage in ridiculous Brougham Street.
He had a regiment of acquaintances and he accepted a lot of
hospitality, but he could not return it at Brougham Street. His
greatness fizzled into nothing in Brougham Street. It stopped short and
sharp at the corner of St Luke's Square, where he left his cabs. He
could do nothing with his mother. If she was not still going out as a
sempstress the reason was, not that she was not ready to go out, but
that her old clients had ceased to send for her. And could they be
blamed for not employing at three shillings a day the mother of a young
man who wallowed in thousands sterling? Denry had essayed over and over
again to instil reason into his mother, and he had invariably failed.
She was too independent, too profoundly rooted in her habits; and her
character had more force than his. Of course, he might have left her
and set up a suitably gorgeous house of his own.
But he would not.
In fact, they were a remarkable pair.
On this eve of her birthday he had meant to cajole her into some
step, to win her by an appeal, basing his argument on her
indisposition. But he was being beaten off once more. The truth was
that a cajoling, caressing tone could not be long employed towards Mrs
Machin. She was not persuasive herself, nor; favourable to
persuasiveness in others.
“Well,” said she, “if you're making two thousand a year, ye can
spend it or save it as ye like, though ye'd better save it. Ye never
know what may happen in these days. There was a man dropped
half-a-crown down a grid opposite only the day before yesterday.”
“Ay!” she said; “ye can laugh.”
“There's no doubt about one thing,” he said, “you ought to be in
bed. You ought to stay in bed for two or three days at least.”
“Yes,” she said. “And who's going to look after the house while I'm
moping between blankets?”
“You can have Rose Chudd in,” he said.
“No,” said she. “I'm not going to have any woman rummaging about my
house, and me in bed.”
“You know perfectly well she's been practically starving since her
husband died, and as she's going out charing, why can't you have her
and put a bit of bread into her mouth?”
“Because I won't have her! Neither her nor any one. There's naught
to prevent you giving her some o' your two thousand a year if you've a
mind. But I see no reason for my house being turned upside down by her,
even if I have got a bit of a cold.”
“You're an unreasonable old woman,” said Denry.
“Happen I am!” said she. “There can't be two wise ones in a family.
But I'm not going to give up this cottage, and as long as I am standing
on my feet I'm not going to pay any one for doing what I can do better
myself.” A pause. “And so you needn't think it! You can't come round me
with a fur mantle.” She retired to rest. On the following morning he
was very glum.
“You needn't be so glum,” she said.
But she was rather pleased at his glumness. For in him glumness was
a sign that he recognised defeat.
The next episode between them was curiously brief. Denry had
influenza. He said that naturally he had caught hers.
He went to bed and stayed there. She nursed him all day, and grew
angry in a vain attempt to force him to eat. Towards night he tossed
furiously on the little bed in the little bedroom, complaining of
fearful headaches. She remained by his side most of the night. In the
morning he was easier. Neither of them mentioned the word “doctor.” She
spent the day largely on the stairs. Once more towards night he grew
worse, and she remained most of the second night by his side.
In the sinister winter dawn Denry murmured in a feeble tone:
“Mother, you'd better send for him.”
“Doctor?” she said. And secretly she thought that she had
better send for the doctor, and that there must be after all some
difference between influenza and a cold.
“No,” said Denry; “send for young Lawton.”
“Young Lawton!” she exclaimed. “What do you want young Lawton to
come here for?”
“I haven't made my will,” Denry answered.
“Pooh!” she retorted.
Nevertheless she was the least bit in the world frightened. And she
sent for Dr Stirling, the aged Harrop's Scotch partner.
Dr Stirling, who was full-bodied and left little space for anybody
else in the tiny, shabby bedroom of the man with four thousand a year,
gazed at Mrs Machin, and he gazed also at Denry.
“Ye must go to bed this minute,” said he.
“But he's in bed,” cried Mrs Machin.
“I mean yerself,” said Dr Stirling.
She was very nearly at the end of her resources. And the proof was
that she had no strength left to fight Dr Stirling. She did go to bed.
And shortly afterwards Denry got up. And a little later, Rose Chudd,
that prim and efficient young widow from lower down the street, came
into the house and controlled it as if it had been her own. Mrs Machin,
whose constitution was hardy, arose in about a week, cured, and duly
dismissed Rose with wages and without thanks. But Rose had been. Like
the Signal's burglars, she had “effected an entrance.” And the
house had not been turned upside down. Mrs Machin, though she tried,
could not find fault with the result of Rose's uncontrolled activities.
One morning—and not very long afterwards, in such wise did Fate
seem to favour the young at the expense of the old—Mrs Machin received
two letters which alarmed and disgusted her. One was from her landlord,
announcing that he had sold the house in which she lived to a Mr
Wilbraham of London, and that in future she must pay the rent to the
said Mr Wilbraham or his legal representatives. The other was from a
firm of London solicitors announcing that their client, Mr Wilbraham,
had bought the house, and that the rent must be paid to their agent,
whom they would name later.
Mrs Machin gave vent to her emotion in her customary manner: “Bless
And she showed the impudent letters to Denry.
“Oh!” said Denry. “So he has bought them, has he? I heard he was
“Them?” exclaimed Mrs Machin. “What else has he bought?”
“I expect he's bought all the five—this and the four below, as far
as Downes's. I expect you'll find that the other four have had notices
just like these. You know all this row used to belong to the
Wilbrahams. You surely must remember that, mother?”
“Is he one of the Wilbrahams of Hillport, then?”
“Yes, of course he is.”
“I thought the last of 'em was Cecil, and when he'd beggared himself
here he went to Australia and died of drink. That's what I always
heard. We always used to say as there wasn't a Wilbraham left.”
“He did go to Australia, but he didn't die of drink. He disappeared,
and when he'd made a fortune he turned up again in Sydney, so it seems.
I heard he's thinking of coming back here to settle. Anyhow, he's
buying up a lot of the Wilbraham property. I should have thought you'd
have heard of it. Why, lots of people have been talking about it.”
“Well,” said Mrs Machin, “I don't like it.”
She objected to a law which permitted a landlord to sell a house
over the head of a tenant who had occupied it for more than thirty
years. In the course of the morning she discovered that Denry was
right—the other tenants had received notices exactly similar to hers.
Two days later Denry arrived home for tea with a most surprising
article of news. Mr Cecil Wilbraham had been down to Bursley from
London, and had visited him, Denry. Mr Cecil Wilbraham's local
information was evidently quite out of date, for he had imagined Denry
to be a rent-collector and estate agent, whereas the fact was that
Denry had abandoned this minor vocation years ago. His desire had been
that Denry should collect his rents and watch over his growing
interests in the district.
“So what did you tell him?” asked Mrs Machin.
“I told him I'd do it.” said Denry.
“I thought it might be safer for you,” said Denry, with a
certain emphasis. “And, besides, it looked as if it might be a bit of a
lark. He's a very peculiar chap.”
“For one thing, he's got the largest moustaches of any man I ever
saw. And there's something up with his left eye. And then I think he's
a bit mad.”
“Well, touched. He's got a notion about building a funny sort of a
house for himself on a plot of land at Bleakridge. It appears he's fond
of living alone, and he's collected all kind of dodges for doing
without servants and still being comfortable.”
“Ay! But he's right there!” breathed Mrs Machin in deep sympathy. As
she said about once a week, “She never could abide the idea of
servants.” “He's not married, then?” she added.
“He told me he'd been a widower three times, but he'd never had any
children,” said Denry.
“Bless us!” murmured Mrs Machin.
Denry was the one person in the town who enjoyed the acquaintance
and the confidence of the thrice-widowed stranger with long moustaches.
He had descended without notice on Bursley, seen Denry (at the branch
office of the Thrift Club), and then departed. It was understood that
later he would permanently settle in the district. Then the wonderful
house began to rise on the plot of land at Bleakridge. Denry had
general charge of it, but always subject to erratic and autocratic
instructions from London. Thanks to Denry, who, since the historic
episode at Llandudno, had remained very friendly with the Cotterill
family, Mr Cotterill had the job of building the house; the plans came
from London. And though Mr Cecil Wilbraham proved to be exceedingly
watchful against any form of imposition, the job was a remunerative one
for Mr Cotterill, who talked a great deal about the originality of the
residence. The town judged of the wealth and importance of Mr Cecil
Wilbraham by the fact that a person so wealthy and important as Denry
should be content to act as his agent. But then the Wilbrahams had been
magnates in the Bursley region for generations, up till the final
Wilbraham smash in the late seventies. The town hungered to see those
huge moustaches and that peculiar eye. In addition to Denry, only one
person had seen the madman, and that person was Nellie Cotterill, who
had been viewing the half-built house with Denry one Sunday morning
when the madman had most astonishingly arrived upon the scene, and
after a few minutes vanished. The building of the house strengthened
greatly the friendship between Denry and the Cotterills. Yet Denry
neither liked Mr Cotterill nor trusted him. The next incident in these
happening was that Mrs Machin received notice from the London firm to
quit her four-and-sixpence-a-week cottage. It seemed to her that not
merely Brougham Street, but the world, was coming to an end. She was
very angry with Denry for not protecting her more successfully. He was
Mr Wilbraham's agent, he collected the rent, and it was his duty to
guard his mother from unpleasantness. She observed, however, that he
was remarkably disturbed by the notice, and he assured her that Mr
Wilbraham had not consulted him in the matter at all. He wrote a letter
to London, which she signed, demanding the reason of this absurd notice
flung at an ancient and perfect tenant. The reply was that Mr Wilbraham
intended to pull the houses down, beginning with Mrs Machin's, and
“Pooh!” said Denry. “Don't you worry your head, mother; I shall
arrange it. He'll be down here soon to see his new house—it's
practically finished, and the furniture is coming in—and I'll just
talk to him.”
But Mr Wilbraham did not come, the explanation doubtless being that
he was mad. On the other hand, fresh notices came with amazing
frequency. Mrs Machin just handed them over to Denry. And then Denry
received a telegram to say that Mr Wilbraham would be at his new house
that night and wished to see Denry there. Unfortunately, on the same
day, by the afternoon post, while Denry was at his offices, there
arrived a sort of supreme and ultimate notice from London to Mrs
Machin, and it was on blue paper. It stated, baldly, that as Mrs Machin
had failed to comply with all the previous notices, had, indeed,
ignored them, she and her goods would now be ejected into the street,
according to the law. It gave her twenty-four hours to flit. Never had
a respectable dame been so insulted as Mrs Machin was insulted by that
notice. The prospect of camping out in Brougham Street confronted her.
When Denry reached home that evening, Mrs Machin, as the phrase is,
“gave it him.”
Denry admitted frankly that he was nonplussed, staggered and
outraged. But the thing was simply another proof of Mr Wilbraham's
madness. After tea he decided that his mother must put on her best
clothes, and go up with him to see Mr Wilbraham and firmly
expostulate—in fact, they would arrange the situation between them;
and if Mr Wilbraham was obstinate they would defy Mr Wilbraham. Denry
explained to his mother that an Englishwoman's cottage was her castle,
that a landlord's minions had no right to force an entrance, and that
the one thing that Mr Wilbraham could do was to begin unbuilding the
cottage from the top outside.... And he would like to see Mr Wilbraham
try it on!
So the sealskin mantle (for it was spring again) went up with Denry
The moon shone in the chill night. The house stood back from
Trafalgar Road in the moonlight—a squarish block of a building.
“Oh!” said Mrs Machin, “it isn't so large.”
“No! He didn't want it large. He only wanted it large enough,” said
Denry, and pushed a button to the right of the front door. There was no
reply, though they heard the ringing of the bell inside. They waited.
Mrs Machin was very nervous, but thanks to her sealskin mantle she was
“This is a funny doorstep,” she remarked, to kill time.
“It's of marble,” said Denry.
“What's that for?” asked his mother.
“So much easier to keep clean,” said Denry.
“Well,” said Mrs Machin, “it's pretty dirty now, anyway.”
“Quite simple to clean,” said Denry, bending down. “You just turn
this tap at the side. You see, it's so arranged that it sends a flat
jet along the step. Stand off a second.”
He turned the tap, and the step was washed pure in a moment.
“How is it that that water steams?” Mrs Machin demanded.
“Because it's hot,” said Denry. “Did you ever know water steam for
any other reason?”
“Hot water outside?”
“Just as easy to have hot water outside as inside, isn't it?” said
“Well, I never!” exclaimed Mrs Machin. She was impressed.
“That's how everything's dodged up in this house,” said Denry. He
shut off the water.
And he rang once again. No answer! No illumination within the abode!
“I'll tell you what I shall do,” said Denry at length. “I shall let
myself in. I've got a key of the back door.”
“Are you sure it's all right?”
“I don't care if it isn't all right,” said Denry, defiantly. “He
asked me to be up here, and he ought to be here to meet me. I'm not
going to stand any nonsense from anybody.”
In they went, having skirted round the walls of the house.
Denry closed the door, pushed a switch, and the electric light
shone. Electric light was then quite a novelty in Bursley. Mrs Machin
had never seen it in action. She had to admit that it was less
complicated than oil-lamps. In the kitchen the electric light blazed
upon walls tiled in grey and a floor tiled in black and white. There
was a gas range and a marble slopstone with two taps. The woodwork was
dark. Earthenware saucepans stood on a shelf. The cupboards were full
of gear chiefly in earthenware. Denry began to exhibit to his mother a
tank provided with ledges and shelves and grooves, in which he said
that everything except knives could be washed and dried automatically.
“Hadn't you better go and find your Mr Wilbraham?” she interrupted.
“So I had,” said Denry; “I was forgetting him.”
She heard him wandering over the house and calling in divers tones
upon Mr Wilbraham. But she heard no other voice. Meanwhile she examined
the kitchen in detail, appreciating some of its devices and failing to
“I expect he's missed the train,” said Denry, coming back. “Anyhow,
he isn't here. I may as well show you the rest of the house now.”
He led her into the hall, which was radiantly lighted.
“It's quite warm here,” said Mrs Machin.
“The whole house is heated by steam,” said Denry. “No fireplaces.”
“No! No fireplaces. No grates to polish, ashes to carry down, coals
to carry up, mantelpieces to dust, fire-irons to clean, fenders to
polish, chimneys to sweep.”
“And suppose he wants a bit of fire all of a sudden in summer?”
“Gas stove in every room for emergencies,” said Denry.
She glanced into a room.
“But,” she cried, “it's all complete, ready! And as warm as toast.”
“Yes,” said Denry, “he gave orders. I can't think why on earth he
At that moment an electric bell rang loud and sharp, and Mrs Machin
“There he is!” said Denry, moving to the door.
“Bless us! What will he think of us being here like?” Mrs Machin
“Pooh!” said Denry, carelessly. And he opened the door.
Three persons stood on the newly-washed marble step—Mr and Mrs
Cotterill and their daughter.
“Oh! Come in! Come in! Make yourselves quite at home. That's what
we're doing,” said Demo in blithe greeting; and added, “I suppose
he's invited you too?”
And it appeared that Mr Cecil Wilbraham had indeed invited them too.
He had written from London saying that he would be glad if Mr and Mrs
Cotterill would “drop in” on this particular evening. Further, he had
mentioned that, as be had already had the pleasure of meeting Miss
Cotterill, perhaps she would accompany her parents.
“Well, he isn't here,” said Denry, shaking hands. “He must have
missed his train or something. He can't possibly be here now till
to-morrow. But the house seems to be all ready for him....”
“Yes, my word! And how's yourself, Mrs Cotterill?” put in Mrs
“So we may as well look over it in its finished state. I suppose
that's what he asked us up for,” Denry concluded.
Mrs Machin explained quickly and nervously that she had not been
comprised in any invitation; that her errand was pure business.
“Come on upstairs,” Denry called out, turning switches and adding
radiance to radiance.
“Denry!” his mother protested, “I'm sure I don't know what Mr and
Mrs Cotterill will think of you! You carry on as if you owned
everything in the place. I wonder at you!”
“Well,” said Denry, “if anybody in this town is the owner's agent I
am. And Mr Cotterill has built the blessed house. If Wilbraham wanted
to keep his old shanty to himself, he shouldn't send out invitations.
It's simple enough not to send out invitations. Now, Nellie!”
He was hanging over the balustrade at the curve of the stairs.
The familiar ease with which he said, “Now, Nellie,” and especially
the spontaneity of Nellie's instant response, put new thoughts into the
mind of Mrs Machin. But she neither pricked up her ears, nor started
back, nor accomplished any of the acrobatic feats which an ordinary
mother of a wealthy son would have performed under similar
circumstances. Her ears did not even tremble. And she just said:
“I like this balustrade knob being of black china.”
“Every knob in the house is of black china,” said Denry. “Never
shows dirt. But if you should take it into your head to clean it, you
can do it with a damp cloth in a second.”
Nellie now stood beside him. Nellie had grown up since the Llandudno
episode. She did not blush at a glance. When spoken to suddenly she
could answer without torture to herself. She could, in fact, maintain a
conversation without breaking down for a much longer time than, a few
years ago, she had been able to skip without breaking down. She no
longer imagined that all the people in the street were staring at her,
anxious to find faults in her appearance. She had temporarily ruined
the lives of several amiable and fairly innocent young men by refusing
to marry them. (For she was pretty, and her father cut a figure in the
town, though her mother did not.) And yet, despite the immense
accumulation of her experiences and the weight of her varied knowledge
of human nature, there was something very girlish and timidly roguish
about her as she stood on the stairs near Denry, waiting for the elder
generation to follow. The old Nellie still lived in her.
The party passed to the first floor.
And the first floor exceeded the ground floor in marvels. In each
bedroom two aluminium taps poured hot and cold water respectively into
a marble basin, and below the marble basin was a sink. No porterage of
water anywhere in the house. The water came to you, and every room
consumed its own slops. The bedsteads were of black enamelled iron and
very light. The floors were covered with linoleum, with a few rugs that
could be shaken with one hand. The walls were painted with grey enamel.
Mrs Cotterill, with her all-seeing eye, observed a detail that Mrs
Machin had missed. There were no sharp corners anywhere. Every corner,
every angle between wall and floor or wall and wall, was rounded, to
facilitate cleaning. And every wall, floor, ceiling, and fixture could
be washed, and all the furniture was enamelled and could be wiped with
a cloth in a moment instead of having to be polished with three cloths
and many odours in a day and a half. The bath-room was absolutely
waterproof; you could spray it with a hose, and by means of a gas
apparatus you could produce an endless supply of hot water independent
of the general supply. Denry was apparently familiar with each detail
of Mr Wilbraham's manifold contrivances, and he explained them with an
“Bless us!” said Mrs Machin.
“Bless us!” said Mrs Cotterill (doubtless the force of example).
They descended to the dining-room, where a supper-table had been
laid by order of the invisible Mr Cecil Wilbraham. And there the ladies
lauded Mr Wilbraham's wisdom in eschewing silver. Everything of the
table service that could be of earthenware was of earthenware. The
forks and spoons were electro-plate.
“Why,” Mrs Cotterill said, “I could run this house without a servant
and have myself tidy by ten o'clock in a morning.”
And Mrs Machin nodded.
“And then when you want a regular turn-out, as you call it,” said
Denry, “there's the vacuum-cleaner.”
The vacuum-cleaner was at that period the last word of civilisation,
and the first agency for it was being set up in Bursley. Denry
explained the vacuum-cleaner to the housewives, who had got no further
than a Ewbank. And they again called down blessings on themselves.
“What price this supper?” Denry exclaimed. “We ought to eat it. I'm
sure he'd like us to eat it. Do sit down, all of you. I'll take the
Mrs Machin hesitated even more than the other ladies.
“It's really very strange, him not being here.” She shook her head.
“Don't I tell you he's quite mad,” said Denry.
“I shouldn't think he was so mad as all that,” said Mrs Machin,
dryly. “This is the most sensible kind of a house I've ever seen.”
“Oh! Is it?” Denry answered. “Great Scott! I never noticed those
three bottles of wine on the sideboard.”
At length he succeeded in seating them at the table. Thenceforward
there was no difficulty. The ample and diversified cold supper began to
disappear steadily, and the wine with it. And as the wine disappeared
so did Mr Cotterill (who had been pompous and taciturn) grow talkative,
offering to the company the exact figures of the cost of the house, and
so forth. But ultimately the sheer joy of life killed arithmetic.
Mrs Machin, however, could not quite rid herself of the notion that
she was in a dream that outraged the proprieties. The entire affair,
for an unromantic spot like Bursley, was too fantastically and wickedly
“We must be thinking about home, Denry,” said she.
“Plenty of time,” Denry replied. “What! All that wine gone! I'll see
if there's any more in the sideboard.”
He emerged, with a red face, from bending into the deeps of the
enamelled sideboard, and a wine-bottle was in his triumphant hand. It
had already been opened.
“Hooray!” he proclaimed, pouring a white wine into his glass and
raising the glass: “here's to the health of Mr Cecil Wilbraham.”
He made a brave tableau in the brightness of the electric light.
Then he drank. Then he dropped the glass, which broke.
“Ugh! What's that?” he demanded, with the distorted features of a
His mother, who was seated next to him, seized the bottle. Denry's
hand, in clasping the bottle, had hidden a small label, which said:
“POISON—Nettleship's Patent Enamel-Cleaning Fluid. One wipe does
Confusion! Only Nellie Cotterill seemed to be incapable of realising
that a grave accident had occurred. She had laughed throughout the
supper, and she still laughed, hysterically, though she had drunk
scarcely any wine. Her mother silenced her.
Denry was the first to recover.
“It'll be all right,” said he, leaning back in his chair. “They
always put a bit of poison in those things. It can't hurt me, really. I
never noticed the label.”
Mrs Machin smelt at the bottle. She could detect no odour, but the
fact that she could detect no odour appeared only to increase her
“You must have an emetic instantly,” she said.
“Oh no!” said Denry. “I shall be all right.” And he did seem to be
“You must have an emetic instantly,” she repeated.
“What can I have?” he grumbled. “You can't expect to find emetics
“Oh yes, I can,” said she. “I saw a mustard tin in a cupboard in the
kitchen. Come along now, and don't be silly.”
Nellie's hysteric mirth surged up again.
Denry objected to accompanying his mother into the kitchen. But he
was forced to submit. She shut the door on both of them. It is probable
that during the seven minutes which they spent mysteriously together in
the kitchen, the practicability of the kitchen apparatus for carrying
off waste products was duly tested. Denry came forth, very pale and
very cross, on his mother's arm.
“There's no danger now,” said his mother, easily.
Naturally the party was at an end. The Cotterills sympathised, and
prepared to depart, and inquired whether Denry could walk home.
Denry replied, from a sofa, in a weak, expiring voice, that he was
perfectly incapable of walking home, that his sensations were in the
highest degree disconcerting, that he should sleep in that house, as
the bedrooms were ready for occupation, and that he should expect his
mother to remain also.
And Mrs Machin had to concur. Mrs Machin sped the Cotterills from
the door as though it had been her own door. She was exceedingly angry
and agitated. But she could not impart her feelings to the suffering
Denry. He moaned on a bed for about half-an-hour, and then fell asleep.
And in the middle of the night, in the dark, strange house, she also
The next morning she arose and went forth, and in about half-an-hour
returned. Denry was still in bed, but his health seemed to have resumed
its normal excellence. Mrs Machin burst upon him in such a state of
complicated excitement as he had never before seen her in.
“Denry,” she cried, “what do you think?”
“What?” said he.
“I've just been down home, and they're—they're pulling the house
down. All the furniture's out, and they've got all the tiles off the
roof, and the windows out. And there's a regular crowd watching.”
Denry sat up.
“And I can tell you another piece of news,” said he. “Mr Cecil
Wilbraham is dead.”
“Dead!” she breathed.
“Yes,” said Denry. “I think he's served his purpose. As we're
here, we'll stop here. Don't forget it's the most sensible kind of a
house you've ever seen. Don't forget that Mrs Cotterill could run it
without a servant and have herself tidy by ten o'clock in a morning.”
Mrs Machin perceived then, in a flash of terrible illumination, that
there never had been any Cecil Wilbraham; that Denry had merely
invented him and his long moustaches and his wall eye for the purpose
of getting the better of his mother. The whole affair was an immense
swindle upon her. Not a Mr Cecil Wilbraham, but her own son had bought
her cottage over her head and jockeyed her out of it beyond any chance
of getting into it again. And to defeat his mother the rascal had not
simply perverted the innocent Nellie Cotterill to some co-operation in
his scheme, but he had actually bought four other cottages, because the
landlord would not sell one alone, and he was actually demolishing
property to the sole end of stopping her from re-entering it!
Of course, the entire town soon knew of the upshot of the battle, of
the year-long battle, between Denry and his mother, and the means
adopted by Denry to win. The town also had been hoodwinked, but it did
not mind that. It loved its Denry the more, and seeing that he was now
properly established in the most remarkable house in the district, it
soon afterwards made him a Town Councillor as some reward for his
talent in amusing it.
And Denry would say to himself:
“Everything went like clockwork, except the mustard and water. I
didn't bargain for the mustard and water. And yet, if I was clever
enough to think of putting a label on the bottle and to have the beds
prepared, I ought to have been clever enough to keep mustard out of the
house.” It would be wrong to mince the unpleasant fact that the sham
poisoning which he had arranged to the end that he and his mother
should pass the night in the house had finished in a manner much too
realistic for Denry's pleasure. Mustard and water, particularly when
mixed by Mrs Machin, is mustard and water. She had that consolation.
CHAPTER IX. THE GREAT NEWSPAPER WAR
When Denry and his mother had been established a year and a month in
the new house at Bleakridge, Denry received a visit one evening which
perhaps flattered him more than anything had ever flattered him. The
visitor was Mr Myson. Now Mr Myson was the founder, proprietor and
editor of the Five Towns Weekly, a new organ of public opinion
which had been in existence about a year; and Denry thought that Mr
Myson had popped in to see him in pursuit of an advertisement of the
Thrift Club, and at first he was not at all flattered.
But Mr Myson was not hunting for advertisements, and Denry soon saw
him to be the kind of man who would be likely to depute that work to
others. Of middle height, well and quietly dressed, with a sober,
assured deportment, he spoke in a voice and accent that were not of the
Five Towns; they were superior to the Five Towns. And in fact Mr Myson
originated in Manchester and had seen London. He was not provincial,
and he beheld the Five Towns as part of the provinces; which no native
of the Five Towns ever succeeds in doing. Nevertheless, his manner to
Denry was the summit of easy and yet deferential politeness.
He asked permission “to put something before” Denry. And when,
rather taken aback by such smooth phrases, Denry had graciously
accorded the permission, he gave a brief history of the Five Towns
Weekly, showing how its circulation had grown, and definitely
stating that at that moment it was yielding a profit. Then he said:
“Now my scheme is to turn it into a daily.”
“Very good notion,” said Denry, instinctively.
“I'm glad you think so,” said Mr Myson. “Because I've come here in
the hope of getting your assistance. I'm a stranger to the district,
and I want the co-operation of some one who isn't. So I've come to you.
I need money, of course, though I have myself what most people would
consider sufficient capital. But what I need more than money
“And who put you on to me?” asked Denry.
Mr Myson smiled. “I put myself on to you,” said he. “I think I may
say I've got my bearings in the Five Towns, after over a year's
journalism in it, and it appeared to me that you were the best man I
could approach. I always believe in flying high.”
Therein was Denry flattered. The visit seemed to him to seal his
position in the district in a way in which his election to the Bursley
Town Council had failed to do. He had been somehow disappointed with
that election. He had desired to display his interest in the serious
welfare of the town, and to answer his opponent's arguments with better
ones. But the burgesses of his ward appeared to have no passionate love
of logic. They just cried “Good old Denry!” and elected him—with a
majority of only forty-one votes. He had expected to feel a different
Denry when he could put “Councillor” before his name. It was not so. He
had been solemnly in the mayoral procession to church, he had attended
meetings of the council, he had been nominated to the Watch Committee.
But he was still precisely the same Denry, though the youngest member
of the council. But now he was being recognised from the outside. Mr
Myson's keen Manchester eye, ranging over the quarter of a million
inhabitants of the Five Towns in search of a representative individual
force, had settled on Denry Machin. Yes, he was flattered. Mr Myson's
choice threw a rose-light on all Denry's career: his wealth and its
origin; his house and stable, which were the astonishment and the
admiration of the town; his Universal Thrift Club; yea, and his
councillorship! After all, these were marvels. (And possibly the
greatest marvel was the resigned presence of his mother in that
wondrous house, and the fact that she consented to employ Rose Chudd,
the incomparable Sappho of charwomen, for three hours every day.)
In fine, he perceived from Mr Myson's eyes that his position was
And after they had chatted a little, and the conversation had
deviated momentarily from journalism to house property, he offered to
display Machin House (as he had christened it) to Mr Myson, and Mr
Myson was really impressed beyond the ordinary. Mr Myson's homage to
Mrs Machin, whom they chanced on in the paradise of the bath-room, was
the polished mirror of courtesy. How Denry wished that he could behave
like that when he happened to meet countesses.
Then, once more in the drawing-room, they resumed the subject of
“You know,” said Mr Myson, “it's really a very bad thing indeed for
a district to have only one daily newspaper. I've nothing myself to say
against The Staffordshire Signal, but you'd perhaps be
astonished”—this in a confidential tone—“at the feeling there is
against the Signal in many quarters.”
“Really!” said Denry.
“Of course its fault is that it isn't sufficiently interested in the
great public questions of the district. And it can't be. Because it
can't take a definite side. It must try to please all parties. At any
rate it must offend none. That is the great evil of a journalistic
monopoly.... Two hundred and fifty thousand people—why! there is an
ample public for two first-class papers. Look at Nottingham! Look at
Bristol! Look at Leeds! Look at Sheffield!...and their
And Denry endeavoured to look at these great cities! Truly the Five
Towns was just about as big.
The dizzy journalistic intoxication seized him. He did not give Mr
Myson an answer at once, but he gave himself an answer at once. He
would go into the immense adventure. He was very friendly with the
Signal people—certainly; but business was business, and the
highest welfare of the Five Towns was the highest welfare of the Five
Soon afterwards all the hoardings of the district spoke with one
blue voice, and said that the Five Towns Weekly was to be
transformed into the Five Towns Daily, with four editions,
beginning each day at noon, and that the new organ would be conducted
on the lines of a first-class evening paper.
The inner ring of knowing ones knew that a company entitled “The
Five Towns Newspapers, Limited,” had been formed, with a capital of ten
thousand pounds, and that Mr Myson held three thousand pounds' worth of
shares, and the great Denry Machin one thousand five hundred, and that
the remainder were to be sold and allotted as occasion demanded. The
inner ring said that nothing would ever be able to stand up against the
Signal. On the other hand, it admitted that Denry, the most
prodigious card ever born into the Five Towns, had never been floored
by anything. The inner ring anticipated the future with glee. Denry and
Mr Myson anticipated the future with righteous confidence. As for the
Signal, it went on its august way, blind to sensational hoardings.
On the day of the appearance of the first issue of the Five Towns
Daily, the offices of the new paper at Hanbridge gave proof of
their excellent organisation, working in all details with an admirable
smoothness. In the basement a Marinoni machine thundered like a sucking
dove to produce fifteen thousand copies an hour. On the ground floor
ingenious arrangements had been made for publishing the paper; in
particular, the iron railings to keep the boys in order in front of the
publishing counter had been imitated from the Signal. On the
first floor was the editor and founder with his staff, and above that
the composing department. The number of stairs that separated the
composing department from the machine-room was not a positive
advantage, but bricks and mortar are inelastic, and one does what one
can. The offices looked very well from the outside, and they compared
passably with the offices of the Signal close by. The posters
were duly in the ground-floor windows, and gold signs, one above
another to the roof, produced an air of lucrative success.
Denry happened to be in the Daily offices that afternoon. He
had had nothing to do with the details of organisation, for details of
organisation were not his speciality. His speciality was large, leading
ideas. He knew almost nothing of the agreements with correspondents and
Press Association and Central News, and the racing services and the
fiction syndicates, nor of the difficulties with the Compositors'
Union, nor of the struggle to lower the price of paper by the twentieth
of a penny per pound, nor of the awful discounts allowed to certain
advertisers, nor of the friction with the railway company, nor of the
sickening adulation that had been lavished on quite unimportant
newsagents, nor—worst of all—of the dearth of newsboys. These matters
did not attract him. He could not stoop to them. But when Mr Myson,
calm and proud, escorted him down to the machine-room, and the Marinoni
threw a folded pink Daily almost into his hands, and it looked
exactly like a real newspaper, and he saw one of his own descriptive
articles in it, and he reflected that he was an owner of it—then Denry
was attracted and delighted, and his heart beat. For this pink thing
was the symbol and result of the whole affair, and had the effect of a
miracle on him.
And he said to himself, never guessing how many thousands of men had
said it before him, that a newspaper was the finest toy in the world.
About four o'clock the publisher, in shirt sleeves and an apron,
came up to Mr Myson and respectfully asked him to step into the
publishing office. Mr Myson stepped into the publishing office and
Denry with him, and they there beheld a small ragged boy with a
bleeding nose and a bundle of Dailys in his wounded hand.
“Yes,” the boy sobbed; “and they said they'd cut my eyes out and
plee [play] marbles wi' 'em, if they cotched me in Crown Square agen,”
And he threw down the papers with a final yell.
The two directors learnt that the delicate threat had been uttered
by four Signal boys, who had objected to any fellow-boys
offering any paper other than the Signal for sale in Crown
Square or anywhere else.
Of course, it was absurd.
Still, absurd as it was, it continued. The central publishing
offices of the Daily at Hanbridge, and its branch offices in the
neighbouring towns, were like military hospitals, and the truth
appeared to the directors that while the public was panting to buy
copies of the Daily, the sale of the Daily was being
prevented by means of a scandalous conspiracy on the part of Signal
boys. For it must be understood that in the Five Towns people prefer to
catch their newspaper in the street as it flies and cries. The
Signal had a vast army of boys, to whom every year it gave a great
fete. Indeed, the Signal possessed nearly all the available
boys, and assuredly all the most pugilistic and strongest boys. Mr
Myson had obtained boys only after persistent inquiry and demand, and
such as he had found were not the fittest, and therefore were unlikely
to survive. You would have supposed that in a district that never
ceases to grumble about bad trade and unemployment, thousands of boys
would have been delighted to buy the Daily at fourpence a dozen
and sell it at sixpence. But it was not so.
On the second day the dearth of boys at the offices of the Daily
was painful. There was that magnificent, enterprising newspaper waiting
to be sold, and there was the great enlightened public waiting to buy;
and scarcely any business could be done because the Signal boys
had established a reign of terror over their puny and upstart rivals!
The situation was unthinkable.
Still, unthinkable as it was, it continued. Mr Myson had thought of
everything except this. Naturally it had not occurred to him that an
immense and serious effort for the general weal was going to be blocked
by a gang of tatterdemalions.
He complained with dignity to the Signal, and was informed
with dignity by the Signal that the Signal could not be
responsible for the playful antics of its boys in the streets; that, in
short, the Five Towns was a free country. In the latter proposition Mr
Myson did not concur.
After trouble in the persuasion of parents—astonishing how
indifferent the Five Towns' parent was to the loss of blood by his
offspring!—a case reached the police-court. At the hearing the
Signal gave a solicitor a watching brief, and that solicitor
expressed the Signal's horror of carnage. The evidence was
excessively contradictory, and the Stipendiary dismissed the summons
with a good joke. The sole definite result was that the boy whose
father had ostensibly brought the summons, got his ear torn within a
quarter of an hour of leaving the court. Boys will be boys.
Still, the Daily had so little faith in human nature that it
could not believe that the Signal was not secretly encouraging
its boys to be boys. It could not believe that the Signal, out
of a sincere desire for fair play and for the highest welfare of the
district, would willingly sacrifice nearly half its circulation and a
portion of its advertisement revenue. And the hurt tone of Mr Myson's
leading articles seemed to indicate that in Mr Myson's opinion his
older rival ought to do everything in its power to ruin itself.
The Signal never spoke of the fight. The Daily gave
shocking details of it every day.
The struggle trailed on through the weeks.
Then Denry had one of his ideas. An advertisement was printed in the
Daily for two hundred able-bodied men to earn two shillings for
working six hours a day. An address different from the address of the
Daily was given. By a ruse Denry procured the insertion of the
advertisement in the Signal also.
“We must expend our capital on getting the paper on to the streets,”
said Denry. “That's evident. We'll have it sold by men. We'll soon see
if the Signal ragamuffins will attack them. And we won't
pay 'em by results; we'll pay 'em a fixed wage; that'll fetch 'em. And
a commission on sales into the bargain. Why! I wouldn't mind engaging
five hundred men. Swamp the streets! That's it! Hang expense. And
when we've done the trick, then we can go back to the boys; they'll
have learnt their lesson.”
And Mr Myson agreed and was pleased that Denry was living up to his
The state of the earthenware trade was supposed that summer to be
worse than it had been since 1869, and the grumblings of the unemployed
were prodigious, even seditious. Mr Myson therefore, as a measure of
precaution, engaged a couple of policemen to ensure order at the
address, and during the hours, named in the advertisement as a
rendezvous for respectable men in search of a well-paid job. Having
regard to the thousands of perishing families in the Five Towns, he
foresaw a rush and a crush of eager breadwinners. Indeed, the
arrangements were elaborate.
Forty minutes after the advertised time for the opening of the
reception of respectable men in search of money, four men had arrived.
Mr Myson, mystified, thought that there had been a mistake in the
advertisement, but there was no mistake in the advertisement. A little
later two more men came. Of the six, three were tipsy, and the other
three absolutely declined to be seen selling papers in the streets. Two
were abusive, one facetious. Mr Myson did not know his Five Towns; nor
did Denry. A Five Towns' man, when he can get neither bread nor beer,
will keep himself and his family on pride and water. The policemen went
off to more serious duties.
Then came the announcement of the thirty-fifth anniversary of the
Signal, and of the processional fete by which the Signal
was at once to give itself a splendid spectacular advertisement and to
reward and enhearten its boys. The Signal meant to liven up the
streets of the Five Towns on that great day by means of a display of
all the gilt chariots of Snape's Circus in the main thoroughfare. Many
of the boys would be in the gilt chariots. Copies of the anniversary
number of the Signal would be sold from the gilt chariots. The
idea was excellent, and it showed that after all the Signal was
getting just a little more afraid of its young rival than it had
pretended to be.
For, strange to say, after a trying period of hesitation, the
Five Towns Daily was slightly on the upward curve—thanks to Denry.
Denry did not mean to be beaten by the puzzle which the Daily
offered to his intelligence. There the Daily was, full of news,
and with quite an encouraging show of advertisements, printed on real
paper with real ink—and yet it would not “go.” Notoriously the
Signal earned a net profit of at the very least five thousand a
year, whereas the Daily earned a net loss of at the very least
sixty pounds a week—and of that sixty quite a third was Denry's money.
He could not explain it. Mr Myson tried to rouse the public by
passionately stirring up extremely urgent matters—such as the smoke
nuisance, the increase of the rates, the park question, German
competition, technical education for apprentices; but the public
obstinately would not be roused concerning its highest welfare to the
point of insisting on a regular supply of the Daily. If a mere
five thousand souls had positively demanded daily a copy of the
Daily and not slept till boys or agents had responded to their
wish, the troubles of the Daily would soon have vanished. But
this ridiculous public did not seem to care which paper was put into
its hand in exchange for its halfpenny, so long as the sporting news
was put there. It simply was indifferent. It failed to see the
importance to such an immense district of having two flourishing and
mutually-opposing daily organs. The fundamental boy difficulty remained
And it was the boy difficulty that Denry perseveringly and
ingeniously attacked, until at length the Daily did indeed
possess some sort of a brigade of its own, and the bullying and
slaughter in the streets (so amusing to the inhabitants) grew a little
A week or more before the Signal's anniversary day, Denry
heard that the Signal was secretly afraid lest the Daily's
brigade might accomplish the marring of its gorgeous procession, and
that the Signal was ready to do anything to smash the Daily's
brigade. He laughed; he said he did not mind. About that time
hostilities were rather acute; blood was warming, and both papers, in
the excitation of rivalry, had partially lost the sense of what was due
to the dignity of great organs. By chance a tremendous local football
match—Knype v: Bursley—fell on the very Saturday of the
procession. The rival arrangements for the reporting of the match were
as tremendous as the match itself, and somehow the match seemed to add
keenness to the journalistic struggle, especially as the Daily
favoured Bursley and the Signal was therefore forced to favour
By all the laws of hazard there ought to have been a hitch on that
historic Saturday. Telephone or telegraph ought to have broken down, or
rain ought to have made play impossible, but no hitch occurred. And at
five-thirty o'clock of a glorious afternoon in earliest November the
Daily went to press with a truly brilliant account of the manner in
which Bursley (for the first and last time in its history) had defeated
Knype by one goal to none. Mr Myson was proud. Mr Myson defied the
Signal to beat his descriptive report. As for the Signal's
procession—well, Mr Myson and the chief sub-editor of the Daily
glanced at each other and smiled.
And a few minutes later the Daily boys were rushing out of
the publishing room with bundles of papers—assuredly in advance of the
It was at this juncture that the unexpected began to occur to the
Daily boys. The publishing door of the Daily opened into
Stanway Rents, a narrow alley in a maze of mean streets behind Crown
Square. In Stanway Rents was a small warehouse in which, according to
rumours of the afternoon, a free soup kitchen was to be opened. And
just before the football edition of the Daily came off the
Marinoni, it emphatically was opened, and there issued from its
inviting gate an odour—not, to be sure, of soup, but of toasted cheese
and hot jam—such an odour as had never before tempted the nostrils of
a Daily boy; a unique and omnipotent odour. Several boys (who, I
may state frankly, were traitors to the Daily cause, spies and
mischief-makers from elsewhere) raced unhesitatingly in, crying that
toasted cheese sandwiches and jam tarts were to be distributed like
lightning to all authentic newspaper lads.
The entire gang followed—scores, over a hundred—inwardly expecting
to emerge instantly with teeth fully employed, followed like sheep into
And the gate was shut.
Toasted cheese and hot jammy pastry were faithfully served to the
ragged host—but with no breathless haste. And when, loaded, the boys
struggled to depart, they were instructed by the kind philanthropist
who had fed them to depart by another exit, and they discovered
themselves In an enclosed yard, of which the double doors were
apparently unyielding. And the warehouse door was shut also. And as the
cheese and jam disappeared, shouts of fury arose on the air. The yard
was so close to the offices of the Daily that the chimneypots of
those offices could actually be seen. And yet the shouting brought no
answer from the lords of the Daily, congratulating themselves up
there on their fine account of the football match, and on their
celerity in going to press and on the loyalty of their brigade.
The Signal, it need not be said, disavowed complicity in this
extraordinary entrapping of the Daily brigade by means of an
odour. Could it be held responsible for the excesses of its
disinterested sympathisers?... Still, the appalling trick showed the
high temperature to which blood had risen in the genial battle between
great rival organs. Persons in the inmost ring whispered that Denry
Machin had at length been bested on this critically important day.
Snape's Circus used to be one of the great shining institutions of
North Staffordshire, trailing its magnificence on sculptured wheels
from town to town, and occupying the dreams of boys from one generation
to another. Its headquarters were at Axe, in the Moorlands, ten miles
away from Hanbridge, but the riches of old Snape had chiefly come from
the Five Towns. At the time of the struggle between the Signal
and the Daily its decline had already begun. The aged proprietor
had recently died, and the name, and the horses, and the chariots, and
the carefully-repaired tents had been sold to strangers. On the
Saturday of the anniversary and the football match (which was also
Martinmas Saturday) the circus was set up at Oldcastle, on the edge of
the Five Towns, and was giving its final performances of the season.
Even boys will not go to circuses in the middle of a Five Towns'
winter. The Signal people had hired the processional portion of
Snape's for the late afternoon and early evening. And the instructions
were that the entire cortege should be round about the Signal
offices, in marching order, not later than five o'clock.
But at four o'clock several gentlemen with rosettes in their
button-holes and Signal posters in their hands arrived important
and panting at the fair-ground at Oldcastle, and announced that the
programme had been altered at the last moment, in order to defeat
certain feared machinations of the unscrupulous Daily. The
cavalcade was to be split into three groups, one of which, the chief,
was to enter Hanbridge by a “back road,” and the other two were to go
to Bursley and Longshaw respectively. In this manner the forces of
advertisement would be distributed, and the chief parts of the district
The special linen banners, pennons, and ribbons—bearing the words—
“SIGNAL: THIRTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY,” &c.
had already been hung and planted and draped about the gilded
summits of the chariots. And after some delay the processions were
started, separating at the bottom of the Cattle Market. The head of the
Hanbridge part of the procession consisted of an enormous car of
Jupiter, with six wheels and thirty-six paregorical figures (as the
clown used to say), and drawn by six piebald steeds guided by white
reins. This coach had a windowed interior (at the greater fairs it
sometimes served as a box-office) and in the interior one of the
delegates of the Signal had fixed himself; from it he directed
the paths of the procession.
It would be futile longer to conceal that the delegate of the
Signal in the bowels of the car of Jupiter was not honestly a
delegate of the Signal at all. He was, indeed, Denry Machin, and
none other. From this single fact it will be seen to what extent the
representatives of great organs had forgotten what was due to their
dignity and to public decency. Ensconced in his lair Denry directed the
main portion of the Signal's advertising procession by all
manner of discreet lanes round the skirts of Hanbridge and so into the
town from the hilly side. And ultimately the ten vehicles halted in
Crapper Street, to the joy of the simple inhabitants.
Denry emerged and wandered innocently towards the offices of his
paper, which were close by. It was getting late. The first yelling of
the imprisoned Daily boys was just beginning to rise on the
Suddenly Denry was accosted by a young man.
“Hello, Machin!” cried the young man. “What have you shaved your
beard off, for? I scarcely knew you.”
“I just thought I would, Swetnam,” said Denry, who was obviously
It was the youngest of the Swetnam boys; he and Denry had taken a
sort of curt fancy to one another.
“I say,” said Swetnam, confidentially, as if obeying a swift
impulse, “I did hear that the Signal people meant to collar all
your chaps this afternoon, and I believe they have done. Hear that
now?” (Swetnam's father was intimate with the Signal people.)
“I know,” Denry replied.
“But I mean—papers and all.”
“I know,” said Denry.
“Oh!” murmured Swetnam.
“But I'll tell you a secret,” Denry added. “They aren't to-day's
papers. They're yesterday's, and last week's and last month's. We've
been collecting them specially and keeping them nice and new-looking.”
“Well, you're a caution!” murmured Swetnam.
“I am,” Denry agreed.
A number of men rushed at that instant with bundles of the genuine
football edition from the offices of the Daily.
“Come on!” Denry cried to them. “Come on! This way! By-by, Swetnam.”
And the whole file vanished round a corner. The yelling of
imprisoned cheese-fed boys grew louder.
In the meantime at the Signal office (which was not three
hundred yards away, but on the other side of Crown Square) apprehension
had deepened into anxiety as the minutes passed and the Snape Circus
procession persisted in not appearing on the horizon of the Oldcastle
Road. The Signal would have telephoned to Snape's, but for the
fact that a circus is never on the telephone. It then telephoned to its
Oldcastle agent, who, after a long delay, was able to reply that the
cavalcade had left Oldcastle at the appointed hour, with every sign of
health and energy. Then the Signal sent forth scouts all down
the Oldcastle Road to put spurs into the procession, and the scouts
returned, having seen nothing. Pessimists glanced at the possibility of
the whole procession having fallen into the canal at Cauldon Bridge.
The paper was printed, the train-parcels for Knype, Longshaw, Bursley,
and Turnhill were despatched; the boys were waiting; the fingers of the
clock in the publishing department were simply flying. It had been
arranged that the bulk of the Hanbridge edition, and in particular the
first copies of it, should be sold by boys from the gilt chariots
themselves. The publisher hesitated for an awful moment, and then
decided that he could wait no more, and that the boys must sell the
papers in the usual way from the pavements and gutters. There was no
knowing what the Daily might not be doing.
And then Signal boys in dozens rushed forth paper-laden, but
they were disappointed boys; they had thought to ride in gilt chariots,
not to paddle in mud. And almost the first thing they saw in Crown
Square was the car of Jupiter in its glory, flying all the Signal
colours; and other cars behind. They did not rush now; they sprang, as
from a catapult; and alighted like flies on the vehicles. Men insisted
on taking their papers from them and paying for them on the spot. The
boys were startled; they were entirely puzzled; but they had not the
habit of refusing money. And off went the procession to the music of
its own band down the road to Knype, and perhaps a hundred boys on
board, cheering. The men in charge then performed a curious act: they
tore down all the Signal flagging, and replaced it with the
emblem of the Daily.
So that all the great and enlightened public wandering home in
crowds from the football match at Knype, had the spectacle of a
Daily procession instead of a Signal procession, and could
scarce believe their eyes. And Dailys were sold in quantities
from the cars. At Knype Station the procession curved and returned to
Hanbridge, and finally, after a multitudinous triumph, came to a stand
with all its Daily bunting in front of the Signal
offices; and Denry appeared from his lair. Denry's men fled with
“They're an hour and a half late,” said Denry calmly to one of the
proprietors of the Signal, who was on the pavement. “But I've
managed to get them here. I thought I'd just look in to thank you for
giving such a good feed to our lads.”
The telephones hummed with news of similar Daily processions
in Longshaw and Bursley. And there was not a high-class private bar in
the district that did not tinkle with delighted astonishment at the
brazen, the inconceivable effrontery of that card, Denry Machin. Many
people foresaw law-suits, but it was agreed that the Signal had
begun the game of impudence in trapping the Daily lads so as to
secure a holy calm for its much-trumpeted procession.
And Denry had not finished with the Signal.
In the special football edition of the Daily was an
announcement, the first, of special Martinmas fetes organised by
the Five Towns Daily. And on the same morning every member of
the Universal Thrift Club had received an invitation to the said
fetes. They were three—held on public ground at Hanbridge,
Bursley, and Longshaw. They were in the style of the usual Five Towns
“wakes”; that is to say, roundabouts, shows, gingerbread stalls,
swings, cocoanut shies. But at each fete a new and very simple
form of “shy” had been erected. It consisted of a row of small railway
“March up! March up!” cried the shy-men. “Knock down the signal!
Knock down the signal! And a packet of Turkish delight is yours. Knock
down the signal!”
And when you had knocked down the signal the men cried:
“We wrap it up for you in the special Anniversary Number of the
And they disdainfully tore into suitable fragments copies of the
Signal which had cost Denry &Co. a halfpenny each, and enfolded the
Turkish delight therein, and handed it to you with a smack.
And all the fair-grounds were carpeted with draggled and muddy
Signals. People were up to the ankles in Signals.
The affair was the talk of Sunday. Few matters in the Five Towns
have raised more gossip than did that enormous escapade which Denry
invented and conducted. The moral damage to the Signal was held
to approach the disastrous. And now not the possibility but the
probability of law-suits was incessantly discussed.
On the Monday both papers were bought with anxiety. Everybody was
frothing to know what the respective editors would say.
But in neither sheet was there a single word as to the affair. Both
had determined to be discreet; both were afraid. The Signal
feared lest it might not, if the pinch came, be able to prove its
innocence of the crime of luring boys into confinement by means of
toasted cheese and hot jam. The Signal had also to consider its
seriously damaged dignity; for such wounds silence is the best
dressing. The Daily was comprehensively afraid. It had
practically driven its gilded chariots through the entire Decalogue.
Moreover, it had won easily in the grand altercation. It was
exquisitely conscious of glory.
Denry went away to Blackpool, doubtless to grow his beard.
The proof of the Daily's moral and material victory was that
soon afterwards there were four applicants, men of substance, for
shares in the Daily company. And this, by the way, was the end
of the tale. For these applicants, who secured options on a majority of
the shares, were emissaries of the Signal. Armed with the
options, the Signal made terms with its rival, and then by
mutual agreement killed it. The price of its death was no trifle, but
it was less than a year's profits of the Signal. Denry
considered that he had been “done.” But in the depths of his heart he
was glad that he had been done. He had had too disconcerting a glimpse
of the rigours and perils of journalism to wish to continue it. He had
scored supremely and, for him, to score was life itself. His reputation
as a card was far, far higher than ever. Had he so desired, he could
have been elected to the House of Commons on the strength of his
procession and fete.
Mr Myson, somewhat scandalised by the exuberance of his partner,
returned to Manchester.
And the Signal, subsequently often referred to as “The Old
Lady,” resumed its monopolistic sway over the opinions of a quarter of
a million of people, and has never since been attacked.
CHAPTER X. HIS INFAMY
When Denry at a single stroke “wherreted” his mother and proved his
adventurous spirit by becoming the possessor of one of the first
motor-cars ever owned in Bursley, his instinct naturally was to run up
to Councillor Cotterill's in it. Not that he loved Councillor
Cotterill, and therefore wished to make him a partaker in his joy; for
he did not love Councillor Cotterill. He had never been able to forgive
Nellie's father for those patronising airs years and years before at
Llandudno, airs indeed which had not even yet disappeared from
Cotterill's attitude towards Denry. Though they were Councillors on the
same Town Council, though Denry was getting richer and Cotterill was
assuredly not getting richer, the latter's face and tone always seemed
to be saying to Denry: “Well, you are not doing so badly for a
beginner.” So Denry did not care to lose an opportunity of impressing
Councillor Cotterill. Moreover, Denry had other reasons for going up to
the Cotterills. There existed a sympathetic bond between him and Mrs
Cotterill, despite her prim taciturnity and her exasperating habit of
sitting with her hands pressed tight against her body and one over the
other. Occasionally he teased her—and she liked being teased. He had
glimpses now and then of her secret soul; he was perhaps the only
person in Bursley thus privileged. Then there was Nellie. Denry and
Nellie were great friends. For the rest of the world she had grown up,
but not for Denry, who treated her as the chocolate child; while she,
if she called him anything, called him respectfully “Mr.”
The Cotterills had a fairly large old house with a good garden “up
Bycars Lane,” above the new park and above all those red streets which
Mr Cotterill had helped to bring into being. Mr Cotterill built new
houses with terra-cotta facings for others, but preferred an old one in
stucco for himself. His abode had been saved from the parcelling out of
several Georgian estates. It was dignified. It had a double entrance
gate, and from this portal the drive started off for the house door,
but deliberately avoided reaching the house door until it had wandered
in curves over the entire garden. That was the Georgian touch! The
modern touch was shown in Councillor Cotterill's bay windows, bath-room
and garden squirter. There was stabling, in which were kept a Victorian
dogcart and a Georgian horse, used by the Councillor in his business.
As sure as ever his wife or daughter wanted the dogcart, it was either
out or just going out, or the Georgian horse was fatigued and needed
repose. The man who groomed the Georgian also ploughed the flowerbeds,
broke the windows in cleaning them, and put blacking on brown boots.
Two indoor servants had differing views as to the frontier between the
kingdom of his duties and the kingdom of theirs, in fact, it was the
usual spacious household of successful trade in a provincial town.
Denry got to Bycars Lane without a breakdown. This was in the days,
quite thirteen years ago, when automobilists made their wills and took
food supplies when setting forth. Hence Denry was pleased. The small
but useful fund of prudence in him, however, forbade him to run the car
along the unending sinuous drive. The May night was fine, and he left
the loved vehicle with his new furs in the shadow of a monkey-tree near
As he was crunching towards the door, he had a beautiful idea: “I'll
take 'em all out for a spin. There'll just be room!” he said.
Now even to-day, when the very cabman drives his automobile, a man
who buys a motor cannot say to a friend: “I've bought a motor. Come for
a spin,” in the same self-unconscious accents as he would say: “I've
bought a boat. Come for a sail,” or “I've bought a house. Come and look
at it.” Even to-day and in the centre of London there is still
something about a motor—well something.... Everybody who has bought a
motor, and everybody who has dreamed of buying a motor, will comprehend
me. Useless to feign that a motor is the most banal thing imaginable.
It is not. It remains the supreme symbol of swagger. If such is the
effect of a motor in these days and in Berkeley Square, what must it
have been in that dim past, and in that dim town three hours by the
fastest express from Euston? The imagination must be forced to the task
of answering this question. Then will it be understood that Denry was
simply tingling with pride.
“Master in?” he demanded of the servant, who was correctly starched,
but unkempt in detail.
“No, sir. He ain't been in for tea.”
(“I shall take the women out then,” said Denry to himself.)
“Come in! Come in!” cried a voice from the other side of the open
door of the drawing-room, Nellie's voice! The manners and state of a
family that has industrially risen combine the spectacular grandeur of
the caste to which it has climbed with the ease and freedom of the
caste which it has quitted.
“Such a surprise!” said the voice. Nellie appeared, rosy.
Denry threw his new motoring cap hastily on to the hall-stand. No!
He did not hope that Nellie would see it. He hoped that she would not
see it. Now that the moment was really come to declare himself the
owner of a motor-car, he grew timid and nervous. He would have liked to
hide his hat. But then Denry was quite different from our common
humanity. He was capable even of feeling awkward in a new suit of
clothes. A singular person.
“Hello!” she greeted him.
“Hello!” he greeted her.
Their hands touched.
“Father hasn't come yet,” she added. He fancied she was not quite at
“Well,” he said, “what's this surprise.”
She motioned him into the drawing-room.
The surprise was a wonderful woman, brilliant in black—not black
silk, but a softer, delicate stuff. She reclined in an easy-chair with
surpassing grace and self-possession. A black Egyptian shawl, spangled
with silver, was slipping off her shoulders. Her hair was dressed—that
is to say, it was dressed; it was obviously and thrillingly a
work of elaborate art. He could see her two feet and one of her ankles.
The boots, the open-work stocking—such boots, such an open-work
stocking, had never been seen in Bursley, not even at a ball! She was
in mourning, and wore scarcely any jewellery, but there was a gleaming
tint of gold here and there among the black, which resulted in a
marvellous effect of richness.
The least experienced would have said, and said rightly: “This must
be a woman of wealth and fashion.” It was the detail that finished the
demonstration. The detail was incredible. There might have been ten
million stitches in the dress. Ten sempstresses might have worked on
the dress for ten years. An examination of it under a microscope could
but have deepened one's amazement at it.
She was something new in the Five Towns, something quite new.
Denry was not equal to the situation. He seldom was equal to a small
situation. And although he had latterly acquired a considerable amount
of social savoir, he was constantly mislaying it, so that he
could not put his hand on it at the moment when he most required it, as
“Well, Denry!” said the wondrous creature in black, softly.
And he collected himself as though for a plunge, and said:
This was the woman whom he had once loved, kissed, and engaged
himself to marry. He was relieved that she had begun with Christian
names, because he could not recall her surname. He could not even
remember whether he had ever heard it. All he knew was that, after
leaving Bursley to join her father in Birmingham, she had married
somebody with a double name, somebody well off, somebody older than
herself; somebody apparently of high social standing; and that this
somebody had died.
She made no fuss. There was no implication in her demeanour that she
expected to be wept over as a lone widow, or that because she and he
had on a time been betrothed, therefore they could never speak
naturally to each other again. She just talked as if nothing had ever
happened to her, and as if about twenty-four hours had elapsed since
she had last seen him. He felt that she must have picked up this most
useful diplomatic calmness in her contacts with her late husband's
class. It was a valuable lesson to him: “Always behave as if nothing
had happened —no matter what has happened.”
To himself he was saying:
“I'm glad I came up in my motor.”
He seemed to need something in self-defence against the sudden
attack of all this wealth and all this superior social tact, and the
motor-car served excellently.
“I've been hearing a great deal about you lately,” said she with a
soft smile, unobtrusively rearranging a fold of her skirt.
“Well,” he replied, “I'm sorry I can't say the same of you.”
Slightly perilous perhaps, but still he thought it rather neat.
“Oh!” she said. “You see I've been so much out of England. We were
just talking about holidays. I was saying to Mrs Cotterill they
certainly ought to go to Switzerland this year for a change.”
“Yes, Mrs Capron-Smith was just saying—” Mrs Cotterill put in.
(So that was her name.)
“It would be something too lovely!” said Nellie in ecstasy.
Switzerland! Astonishing how with a single word she had marked the
gulf between Bursley people and herself. The Cotterills had never been
out of England. Not merely that, but the Cotterills had never dreamt of
going out of England. Denry had once been to Dieppe, and had come back
as though from Timbuctoo with a traveller's renown. And she talked of
“I suppose it is very jolly,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, “it's splendid in summer. But, of course, the
time is winter, for the sports. Naturally, when you aren't free to take
a bit of a holiday in winter, you must be content with summer, and very
splendid it is. I'm sure you'd enjoy it frightfully, Nell.”
“I'm sure I should—frightfully!” Nellie agreed. “I shall speak to
father. I shall make him—”
“Now, Nellie—” her mother warned her.
“Yes, I shall, mother,” Nellie insisted.
“There is your father!” observed Mrs Cotterill, after
Footsteps crossed the hall, and died away into the dining-room.
“I wonder why on earth father doesn't come in here. He must have
heard us talking,” said Nellie, like a tyrant crossed in some trifle.
A bell rang, and then the servant came into the drawing-room and
remarked: “If you please, mum,” at Mrs Cotterill, and Mrs Cotterill
disappeared, closing the door after her.
“What are they up to, between them?” Nellie demanded, and she, too,
departed, with wrinkled brow, leaving Denry and Ruth together. It could
be perceived on Nellie's brow that her father was going “to catch it.”
“I haven't seen Mr Cotterill yet,” said Mrs Capron-Smith.
“When did you come?” Denry asked.
“Only this afternoon.”
She continued to talk.
As he looked at her, listening and responding intelligently now and
then, he saw that Mrs Capron-Smith was in truth the woman that Ruth had
so cleverly imitated ten years before. The imitation had deceived him
then; he had accepted it for genuine. It would not have deceived him
now—he knew that. Oh yes! This was the real article that could hold
its own anywhere.... Switzerland! And not simply Switzerland, but a
refinement on Switzerland! Switzerland in winter! He divined that in
her opinion Switzerland in summer was not worth doing—in the way of
correctness. But in winter...
Nellie had announced a surprise for Denry as he entered the house,
but Nellie's surprise for Denry, startling and successful though it
proved, was as naught to the surprise which Mr Cotterill had in hand
for Nellie, her mother, Denry, the town of Bursley, and various persons
up and down the country.
Mrs Cotterill came hysterically in upon the duologue between Denry
and Ruth in the drawing-room. From the activity of her hands, which,
instead of being decently folded one over the other, were waving round
her head in the strangest way, it was clear that Mrs Cotterill was
indeed under the stress of a very unusual emotion.
“It's those creditors—at last! I knew it would be! It's all those
creditors! They won't let him alone, and now they've done it.”
So Mrs Cotterill! She dropped into a chair. She had no longer any
sense of shame, of what was due to her dignity. She seemed to have
forgotten that certain matters are not proper to be discussed in
drawing-rooms. She had left the room Mrs Councillor Cotterill; she
returned to it nobody in particular, the personification of defeat. The
change had operated in five minutes.
Mrs Capron-Smith and Denry glanced at each other, and even Mrs
Capron-Smith was at a loss for a moment. Then Ruth approached Mrs
Cotterill and took her hand. Perhaps Mrs Capron-Smith was not so
astonished after all. She and Nellie's mother had always been “very
friendly.” And in the Five Towns “very friendly” means a lot.
“Perhaps if you were to leave us,” Ruth suggested, twisting her head
to glance at Denry.
It was exactly what he desired to do. There could be no doubt that
Ruth was supremely a woman of the world. Her tact was faultless.
He left them, saying to himself: “Well, here's a go!”
In the hall, through an open door, he saw Councillor Cotterill
standing against the dining-room mantelpiece.
When Cotterill caught sight of Denry he straightened himself into a
certain uneasy perkiness.
“Young man,” he said in a counterfeit of his old patronising tone,
“come in here. You may as well hear about it. You're a friend of ours.
Come in and shut the door.”
Nellie was not in view.
Denry went in and shut the door.
“Sit down,” said Cotterill.
And it was just as if he had said: “Now, you're a fairly bright sort
of youth, and you haven't done so badly in life; and as a reward I mean
to admit you to the privilege of hearing about our ill-luck, which for
some mysterious reason reflects more credit on me than your good luck
reflects on you, young man.”
And he stroked his straggling grey beard.
“I'm going to file my petition to-morrow,” said he, and gave a short
“Really!” said Denry, who could think of nothing else to say. His
name was not Capron-Smith.
“Yes; they won't leave me any alternative,” said Mr Cotterill.
Then he gave a brief history of his late commercial career to the
young man. And he seemed to figure it as a sort of tug-of-war between
his creditors and his debtors, he himself being the rope. He seemed to
imply that he had always done his sincere best to attain the greatest
good of the greatest number, but that those wrong-headed creditors had
consistently thwarted him.
However, he bore them no grudge. It was the fortune of the
tug-of-war. He pretended, with shabby magnificence of spirit, that a
bankruptcy at the age of near sixty, in a community where one has cut a
figure, is a mere passing episode.
“Are you surprised?” he asked foolishly, with a sheepish smile.
Denry took vengeance for all the patronage that he had received
during a decade.
“No!” he said. “Are you?”
Instead of kicking Denry out of the house for an impudent young
jackanapes, Mr Cotterill simply resumed his sheepish smile.
Denry had been surprised for a moment, but he had quickly recovered.
Cotterill's downfall was one of those events which any person of acute
intelligence can foretell after they have happened. Cotterill had run
the risks of the speculative builder, built and mortgaged, built and
mortgaged, sold at a profit, sold without profit, sold at a loss, and
failed to sell; given bills, second mortgages, and third mortgages; and
because he was a builder and could do nothing but build, he had
continued to build in defiance of Bursley's lack of enthusiasm for his
erections. If rich gold deposits had been discovered in Bursley
Municipal Park, Cotterill would have owned a mining camp and amassed
immense wealth; but unfortunately gold deposits were not discovered in
the Park. Nobody knew his position; nobody ever does know the position
of a speculative builder. He did not know it himself. There had been
rumours, but they had been contradicted in an adequate way. His recent
refusal of the mayoral chain, due to lack of spare coin, had been
attributed to prudence. His domestic existence had always been
conducted on the same moderately lavish scale. He had always paid the
baker, the butcher, the tailor, the dressmaker.
And now he was to file his petition in bankruptcy, and to-morrow the
entire town would have “been seeing it coming” for years.
“What shall you do?” Denry inquired in amicable curiosity.
“Well,” said Cotterill, “that's the point. I've got a brother a
builder in Toronto, you know. He's doing very well; building is
building over there. I wrote to him a bit since, and he replied by the
next mail —by the next mail—that what he wanted was just a man like
me to overlook things. He's getting an old man now, is John. So, you
see, there's an opening waiting for me.”
As if to say, “The righteous are never forsaken.”
“I tell you all this as you're a friend of the family like,” he
Then, after an expanse of vagueness, he began hopefully, cheerfully,
“Even now if I could get hold of a couple of thousand I could
pull through handsome—and there's plenty of security for it.”
“Bit late now, isn't it?”
“Not it. If only some one who really knows the town, and has faith
in the property market, would come down with a couple of
thousand—well, he might double it in five years.”
“Yes,” said Cotterill. “Look at Clare Street.”
Clare Street was one of his terra-cotta masterpieces.
“You, now,” said Cotterill, insinuating. “I don't expect anyone can
teach you much about the value o' property in this town. You
know as well as I do. If you happened to have a couple of thousand
loose—by gosh! it's a chance in a million.”
“Yes,” said Denry. “I should say that was just about what it was.”
“I put it before you,” Cotterill proceeded, gathering way, and
missing the flavour of Denry's remark. “Because you're a friend of the
family. You're so often here. Why, it's pretty near ten years....”
Denry sighed: “I expect I come and see you all about once a
fortnight fairly regular. That makes two hundred and fifty times in ten
“A couple of thou',” said Cotterill, reflectively.
“Two hundred and fifty into two thousand—eight. Eight pounds a
visit. A shade thick, Cotterill, a shade thick. You might be half a
dozen fashionable physicians rolled into one.”
Never before had he called the Councillor “Cotterill” unadorned. Me
Cotterill flushed and rose.
Denry does not appear to advantage in this interview. He failed in
magnanimity. The only excuse that can be offered for him is that Mr
Cotterill had called him “young man” once or twice too often in the
course of ten years. It is subtle.
“No,” whispered Ruth, in all her wraps. “Don't bring it up to the
door. I'll walk down with you to the gate, and get in there.”
They were off, together. Ruth, it had appeared, was actually staying
at the Five Towns Hotel at Knype, which at that epoch was the only
hotel in the Five Towns seriously pretending to be “first-class” in the
full-page advertisement sense. The fact that Ruth was staying at the
Five Towns Hotel impressed Denry anew. Assuredly she did things in the
grand manner. She had meant to walk down by the Park to Bursley Station
and catch the last loop-line train to Knype, and when Denry suddenly
disclosed the existence of his motor-car, and proposed to see her to
her hotel in it, she in her turn had been impressed. The astonishment
in her tone as she exclaimed: “Have you got a motor?” was the
least in the world naive.
Thus they departed together from the stricken house, Ruth saying
brightly to Nellie, who had reappeared in a painful state of
demoralisation, that she should return on the morrow.
And Denry went down the obscure drive with a final vision of the
poor child, Nellie, as she stood at the door to speed them. It was
extraordinary how that child had remained a child. He knew that she
must be more than half-way through her twenties, and yet she persisted
in being the merest girl. A delightful little thing; but no savoir
vivre, no equality to a situation, no spectacular pride. Just a
nice, bright girl, strangely girlish.... The Cotterills had managed
that bad evening badly. They had shown no dignity, no reserve, no
discretion; and old Cotterill had been simply fatuous in his
suggestion. As for Mrs Cotterill, she was completely overcome, and it
was due solely to Ruth's calm, managing influence that Nellie, nervous
and whimpering, had wound herself up to come and shut the front door
after the guests.
It was all very sad.
When he had successfully started the car, and they were sliding down
the Moorthorne hill together, side by side, their shoulders touching,
Denry threw off the nightmarish effect of the bankrupt household. After
all, there was no reason why he should be depressed. He was not a
bankrupt. He was steadily adding riches to riches. He acquired wealth
mechanically now. Owing to the habits of his mother, he never came
within miles of living up to his income. And Ruth—she, too, was
wealthy. He felt that she must be wealthy in the strict significance of
the term. And she completed wealth by experience of the world. She was
his equal. She understood things in general. She had lived, travelled,
suffered, reflected—in short, she was a completed article of
manufacture. She was no little, clinging, raw girl. Further, she was
less hard than of yore. Her voice and gestures had a different quality.
The world had softened her. And it occurred to him suddenly that her
sole fault—extravagance— had no importance now that she was wealthy.
He told her all that Mr Cotterill had said about Canada. And she
told him all that Mrs Cotterill had said about Canada. And they agreed
that Mr Cotterill had got his deserts, and that, in its own interest,
Canada was the only thing for the Cotterill family; and the sooner the
better. People must accept the consequences of bankruptcy. Nothing
could be done.
“I think it's a pity Nellie should have to go,” said Denry.
“Oh! Do you?” replied Ruth.
“Yes; going out to a strange country like that. She's not what you
may call the Canadian kind of girl. If she could only get something to
do here. ...If something could be found for her.”
“Oh, I don't agree with you at all,” said Ruth. “Do you
really think she ought to leave her parents just now? Her place
is with her parents. And besides, between you and me, she'll have a
much better chance of marrying there than in this town—after
all this. Of course I shall be very sorry to lose her—and Mrs
Cotterill, too. But....”
“I expect you're right,” Denry concurred.
And they sped on luxuriously through the lamp-lit night of the Five
Towns. And Denry pointed out his house as they passed it. And they both
thought much of the security of their positions in the world, and of
their incomes, and of the honeyed deference of their bankers; and also
of the mistake of being a failure.... You could do nothing with a
On a frosty morning in early winter you might have seen them
together in a different vehicle—a first-class compartment of the
express from Knype to Liverpool. They had the compartment to
themselves, and they were installed therein with every circumstance of
luxury. Both were enwrapped in furs, and a fur rug united their knees
in its shelter. Magazines and newspapers were scattered about to the
value of a labourer's hire for a whole day; and when Denry's eye met
the guard's it said “shilling.” In short, nobody could possibly be more
superb than they were on that morning in that compartment.
The journey was the result of peculiar events.
Mr Cotterill had made himself a bankrupt, and cast away the robe of
a Town Councillor. He had submitted to the inquisitiveness of the
Official Receiver, and to the harsh prying of those rampant baying
beasts, his creditors. He had laid bare his books, his correspondence,
his lack of method, his domestic extravagance, and the distressing fact
that he had continued to trade long after he knew himself to be
insolvent. He had for several months, in the interests of the said
beasts, carried on his own business as manager at a nominal salary. And
gradually everything that was his had been sold. And during the final
weeks the Cotterill family had been obliged to quit their dismantled
house and exist in lodgings. It had been arranged that they should go
to Canada by way of Liverpool, and on the day before the journey of
Denry and Ruth to Liverpool they had departed from the borough of
Bursley (which Mr Cotterill had so extensively faced with terra-cotta)
unhonoured and unsung. Even Denry, though he had visited them in their
lodgings to say good-bye, had not seen them off at the station; but
Ruth Capron-Smith had seen them off at the station. She had interrupted
a sojourn to Southport in order to come to Bursley, and despatch them
therefrom with due friendliness. Certain matters had to be attended to
after their departure, and Ruth had promised to attend to them.
Now immediately after seeing them off Ruth had met Denry in the
“Do you know,” she said brusquely, “those people are actually going
steerage? I'd no idea of it. Mr and Mrs Cotterill kept it from me, and
I should not have heard of it only from something Nellie said. That's
why they've gone to-day. The boat doesn't sail till to-morrow
“Steerage?” and Denry whistled.
“Yes,” said Ruth. “Nothing but pride, of course. Old Cotterill
wanted to have every penny he could scrape, so as to be able to make
the least tiny bit of a show when he gets to Toronto, and so—steerage!
Just think of Mrs Cotterill and Nellie in the steerage. If I'd known of
it I should have altered that, I can tell you, and pretty quickly too;
and now it's too late.”
“No, it isn't,” Denry contradicted her flatly.
“But they've gone.”
“I could telegraph to Liverpool for saloon berths—there's bound to
be plenty at this time of year—and I could run over to Liverpool
to-morrow and catch 'em on the boat, and make 'em change.”
She asked him whether he really thought he could, and he assured
“Second-cabin berths would be better,” said she.
“Well, because of dressing for dinner, and so on. They haven't got
the clothes, you know.”
“Of course,” said Denry.
“Listen,” she said, with an enchanting smile. “Let's halve the cost,
you and I. And let's go to Liverpool together, and—er—make the little
gift, and arrange things. I'm leaving for Southport to-morrow, and
Liverpool's on my way.”
Denry was delighted by the suggestion, and telegraphed to Liverpool
Thus they found themselves on that morning in the Liverpool express
together. The work of benevolence in which they were engaged had a
powerful influence on their mood, which grew both intimate and tender.
Ruth made no concealment of her regard for Denry; and as he gazed
across the compartment at her, exquisitely mature (she was slightly
older than himself), dressed to a marvel, perfect in every detail of
manner, knowing all that was to be known about life, and secure in a
handsome fortune—as he gazed, Denry reflected, joyously, victoriously:
“I've got the dibs, of course. But she's got 'em too—perhaps more.
Therefore she must like me for myself alone. This brilliant creature
has been everywhere and seen everything, and she comes back to the Five
Towns and comes back to me.”
It was his proudest moment. And in it he saw his future far more
glorious than he had dreamt.
“When shall you be out of mourning?” he inquired.
“In two months,” said she.
This was not a proposal and acceptance, but it was very nearly one.
They were silent, and happy.
Then she said:
“Do you ever have business at Southport?”
And he said, in a unique manner:
“I shall have.”
Another silence. This time he felt he would marry her.
The White Star liner, Titubic, stuck out of the water like a
row of houses against the landing-stage. There was a large crowd on her
promenade-deck, and a still larger crowd on the landing-stage. Above
the promenade-deck officers paced on the navigating deck, and above
that was the airy bridge, and above that the funnels, smoking, and
somewhere still higher a flag or two fluttering in the icy breeze. And
behind the crowd on the landing-stage stretched a row of four-wheeled
cabs and rickety horses. The landing-stage swayed ever so slightly on
the tide. Only the ship was apparently solid, apparently cemented in
foundations of concrete.
On the starboard side of the promenade-deck, among a hundred other
small groups, was a group consisting of Mr and Mrs Cotterill and Ruth
and Denry. Nellie stood a few feet apart, Mrs Cotterill was crying.
People naturally thought she was crying because of the adieux; but she
was not. She wept because Denry and Ruth, by sheer force of will, had
compelled them to come out of the steerage and occupy beautiful and
commodious berths in the second cabin, where the manner of the stewards
was quite different. She wept because they had been caught in the
steerage. She wept because she was ashamed, and because people were too
kind. She was at once delighted and desolated. She wanted to outpour
psalms of gratitude, and also she wanted to curse.
Mr Cotterill said stiffly that he should repay—and that soon.
An immense bell sounded impatiently.
“We'd better be shunting,” said Denry. “That's the second.”
In exciting crises he sometimes employed such peculiar language as
this. And he was very excited. He had done a great deal of rushing
about. The upraising of the Cotterill family from the social Hades of
the steerage to the respectability of the second cabin had demanded all
his energy, and a lot of Ruth's.
Ruth kissed Mrs Cotterill and then Nellie. And Mrs Cotterill and
Nellie acquired rank and importance for the whole voyage by reason of
being kissed in public by a woman so elegant and aristocratic as Ruth
And Denry shook hands. He looked brightly at the parents, but he
could not look at Nellie; nor could she look at him; their handshaking
was perfunctory. For months their playful intimacy had been in
The horrible bell continued to insist.
“All non-passengers ashore! All ashore!”
The numerous gangways were thronged with people obeying the call,
and handkerchiefs began to wave. And there was a regular vibrating
tremor through the ship.
Mr and Mrs Cotterill turned away.
Ruth and Denry approached the nearest gangway, and Denry stood
aside, and made a place for her to pass. And, as always, a number of
women pushed into the gangways immediately after her, and Denry had to
wait, being a perfect gentleman.
His eye caught Nellie's. She had not moved.
He felt then as he had never felt in his life. No, absolutely never.
Her sad, her tragic glance rendered him so uncomfortable, and yet so
deliciously uncomfortable, that the symptoms startled him. He wondered
what would happen to his legs. He was not sure that he had legs.
However, he demonstrated the existence of his legs by running up to
Nellie. Ruth was by this time swallowed in the crowd on the
landing-stage. He looked at Nellie. Nellie looked at him. Her lips
“What am I doing here?” he asked of his soul.
She was not at all well dressed. She was indeed shabby—in a
steerage style. Her hat was awry; her gloves miserable. No girlish
pride in her distraught face. No determination to overcome Fate. No
consciousness of ability to meet a bad situation. Just those sad eyes
and those twitching lips.
“Look here,” Denry whispered, “you must come ashore for a second.
I've something I want to give you, and I've left it in the cab.”
“But there's no time. The bell's...”
“Bosh!” he exclaimed gruffly, extinguishing her timid, childish
voice. “You won't go for at least a quarter of an hour. All that's only
a dodge to get people off in plenty of time. Come on, I tell you.”
And in a sort of hysteria he seized her thin, long hand and dragged
her along the deck to another gangway, down whose steep slope they
stumbled together. The crowd of sightseers and handkerchief-wavers
jostled them. They could see nothing but heads and shoulders, and the
great side of the ship rising above. Denry turned her back on the ship.
“This way.” He still held her hand.
He struggled to the cab-rank.
“Which one is it?” she asked.
“Any one. Never mind which. Jump in.” And to the first driver whose
eye met his, he said: “Lime Street Station.”
The gangways were being drawn away. A hoarse boom filled the air,
and then a cheer.
“But I shall miss the boat,” the dazed girl protested.
He pushed her in.
“But I shall miss the...”
“I know you will,” he replied, as if angrily. “Do you suppose I was
going to let you go by that steamer? Not much.”
“But mother and father...”
“I'll telegraph. They'll get it on landing.”
“And where's Ruth?”
“Be hanged to Ruth!” he shouted furiously.
As the cab rattled over the cobbles the Titubic slipped away
from the landing-stage. The irretrievable had happened.
Nellie burst into tears.
“Look here,” Denry said savagely. “If you don't dry up, I shall have
to cry myself.”
“What are you going to do with me?” she whimpered.
“Well, what do you think? I'm going to marry you, of course.”
His aggrieved tone might have been supposed to imply that people had
tried to thwart him, but that he had no intention of being thwarted,
nor of asking permissions, nor of conducting himself as anything but a
As for Nellie, she seemed to surrender.
Then he kissed her—also angrily. He kissed her several times—yes,
even in Lord Street itself—less and less angrily.
“Where are you taking me to?” she inquired humbly, as a captive.
“I shall take you to my mother's,” he said.
“Will she like it?”
“She'll either like it or lump it,” said Denry. “It'll take a
“The notice, and things.”
In the train, in the midst of a great submissive silence, she
“It'll be simply awful for father and mother.”
“That can't be helped,” said he. “And they'll be far too sea-sick to
bother their heads about you.”
“You can't think how you've staggered me,” said she.
“You can't think how I've staggered myself,” said he.
“When did you decide to...”
“When I was standing at the gangway, and you looked at me,” he
“It's no use butting,” he said. “I'm like that.... That's me, that
It was the bare truth that he had staggered himself. But he had
staggered himself into a miraculous, ecstatic happiness. She had no
money, no clothes, no style, no experience, no particular gifts. But
she was she. And when he looked at her, calmed, he knew that he had
done well for himself. He knew that if he had not yielded to that
terrific impulse he would have done badly for himself. Mrs Machin had
what she called a ticklish night of it.
The next day he received a note from Ruth, dated Southport,
inquiring how he came to lose her on the landing-stage, and expressing
concern. It took him three days to reply, and even then the reply was a
bad one. He had behaved infamously to Ruth; so much could not be
denied. Within three hours of practically proposing to her, he had run
off with a simple girl, who was not fit to hold a candle to her. And he
did not care. That was the worst of it; he did not care.
Of course the facts reached her. The facts reached everybody; for
the singular reappearance of Nellie in the streets of Bursley
immediately after her departure for Canada had to be explained.
Moreover, the infamous Denry was rather proud of the facts. And the
town inevitably said: “Machin all over, that! Snatching the girl off
the blooming lugger. Machin all over.” And Denry agreed privately that
it was Machin all over.
“What other chap,” he demanded of the air, “would have thought of
it? Or had the pluck?...”
It was mere malice on the part of destiny that caused Denry to run
across Mrs Capron-Smith at Euston some weeks later. Happily they both
had immense nerve.
“Dear me,” said she. “What are you doing here?”
“Only honeymooning,” he said.
CHAPTER XI. IN THE ALPS
Although Denry was extremely happy as a bridegroom, and capable of
the most foolish symptoms of affection in private, he said to himself,
and he said to Nellie (and she sturdily agreed with him): “We aren't
going to be the ordinary silly honeymooners.” By which, of course, he
meant that they would behave so as to be taken for staid married
persons. They failed thoroughly in this enterprise as far as London,
where they spent a couple of nights, but on leaving Charing Cross they
made a new and a better start, in the light of experience.
Their destination, it need hardly be said, was Switzerland. After
Mrs Capron-Smith's remarks on the necessity of going to Switzerland in
winter if one wished to respect one's self, there was really no
alternative to Switzerland. Thus it was announced in the Signal
(which had reported the wedding in ten lines, owing to the excessive
quietude of the wedding) that Mr and Mrs Councillor Machin were
spending a month at Mont Pridoux, sur Montreux, on the Lake of Geneva.
And the announcement looked very well.
At Dieppe they got a through carriage. There were several through
carriages for Switzerland on the train. In walking through the
corridors from one to another Denry and Nellie had their first glimpse
of the world which travels and which runs off for a holiday whenever it
feels in the mood. The idea of going for a holiday in any month but
August seemed odd to both of them. Denry was very bold and would insist
on talking in a naturally loud voice. Nellie was timid and clinging.
“What do you say?” Denry would roar at her when she half-whispered
something, and she had to repeat it so that all could hear. It was part
of their plan to address each other curtly, brusquely, and to frown,
and to pretend to be slightly bored by each other.
They were outclassed by the world which travels. Try as they might,
even Denry was morally intimidated. He had managed his clothes fairly
correctly; he was not ashamed of them; and Nellie's were by no means
the worst in the compartments; indeed, according to the standard of
some of the most intimidating women, Nellie's costume erred in not
being quite sufficiently negligent, sufficiently “anyhow.” And they had
plenty, and ten times plenty of money, and the consciousness of it.
Expense was not being spared on that honeymoon. And yet.... Well, all
that can be said is that the company was imposing. The company, which
was entirely English, seemed to be unaware that any one ever did
anything else but travel luxuriously to places mentioned in second-year
geographies. It astounded Nellie that there should be so many people in
the world with nothing to do but spend. And they were constantly saying
the strangest things with an air of perfect calm.
“How much did you pay for the excess luggage?” an untidy young woman
asked of an old man.
“Oh! Thirteen pounds,” answered the old man, carelessly.
And not long before Nellie had scarcely escaped ten days in the
steerage of an Atlantic liner.
After dinner in the restaurant car—no champagne, because it was
vulgar, but a good sound, expensive wine—they felt more equal to the
situation, more like part-owners of the train. Nellie prudently went to
bed ere the triumphant feeling wore off. But Denry stayed up smoking in
the corridor. He stayed up very late, being too proud and happy and too
avid of new sensations to be able to think of sleep. It was a match
which led to a conversation between himself and a thin, drawling,
overbearing fellow with an eyeglass. Denry had hated this lordly
creature all the way from Dieppe. In presenting him with a match he
felt that he was somehow getting the better of him, for the match was
precious in the nocturnal solitude of the vibrating corridor. The mere
fact that two people are alone together and awake, divided from a
sleeping or sleepy population only by a row of closed, mysterious
doors, will do much to break down social barriers. The excellence of
Denry's cigar also helped. It atoned for the breadth of his accent.
He said to himself:
“I'll have a bit of a chat with this johnny.”
And then he said aloud:
“Not a bad train this!”
“No!” the eyeglass agreed languidly. “Pity they give you such a
And Denry agreed hastily that it was.
Soon they were chatting of places, and somehow it came out of Denry
that he was going to Montreux. The eyeglass professed its indifference
to Montreux in winter, but said the resorts above Montreux were all
right, such as Caux or Pridoux.
And Denry said:
“Well, of course, shouldn't think of stopping in Montreux.
Going to try Pridoux.”
The eyeglass said it wasn't going so far as Switzerland yet; it
meant to stop in the Jura.
“Geneva's a pretty deadly place, ain't it?” said the eyeglass after
“Ye-es,” said Denry.
“Been there since that new esplanade was finished?”
“No,” said Denry. “I saw nothing of it.”
“When were you there?”
“Oh! A couple of years ago.”
“Ah! It wasn't started then. Comic thing! Of course they're awfully
proud in Geneva of the view of Mont Blanc.”
“Yes,” said Denry.
“Ever noticed how queer women are about that view? They're no end
keen on it at first, but after a day or two it gets on their nerves.”
“Yes,” said Denry. “I've noticed that myself. My wife....”
He stopped, because he didn't know what he was going to say. The
eyeglass nodded understandingly.
“All alike,” it said. “Odd thing!”
When Denry introduced himself into the two-berth compartment which
he had managed to secure at the end of the carriage for himself and
Nellie, the poor tired child was as wakeful as an owl.
“Who have you been talking to?” she yawned.
“The eyeglass johnny.”
“Oh! Really,” Nellie murmured, interested and impressed. “With him,
have you? I could hear voices. What sort of a man is he?”
“He seems to be an ass,” said Denry. “Fearfully haw-haw. Couldn't
stand him for long. I've made him believe we've been married for two
They stood on the balcony of the Hotel Beau-Site of Mont Pridoux. A
little below, to the right, was the other hotel, the Metropole, with
the red-and-white Swiss flag waving over its central tower. A little
below that was the terminal station of the funicular railway from
Montreux. The railway ran down the sheer of the mountain into the roofs
of Montreux, like a wire. On it, two toy trains crawled towards each
other, like flies climbing and descending a wall. Beyond the fringe of
hotels that constituted Montreux was a strip of water, and beyond the
water a range of hills white at the top.
“So these are the Alps!” Nellie exclaimed.
She was disappointed; he also. But when Denry learnt from the
guide-book and by inquiry that the strip of lake was seven miles
across, and the highest notched peaks ten thousand feet above the sea
and twenty-five miles off, Nellie gasped and was content.
They liked the Hotel Beau-Site. It had been recommended to Denry, by
a man who knew what was what, as the best hotel in Switzerland. “Don't
you be misled by prices,” the man had said. And Denry was not. He paid
sixteen francs a day for the two of them at the Beau-Site, and was
rather relieved than otherwise by the absence of finger-bowls.
Everything was very good, except sometimes the hot water. The hot-water
cans bore the legend “hot water,” but these two words were occasionally
the only evidence of heat in the water. On the other hand, the bedrooms
could be made sultry by merely turning a handle; and the windows were
double. Nellie was wondrously inventive. They breakfasted in bed, and
she would save butter and honey from the breakfast to furnish forth
afternoon tea, which was not included in the terms. She served the
butter freshly with ice by the simple expedient of leaving it outside
the window of a night. And Denry was struck by this house-wifery.
The other guests appeared to be of a comfortable, companionable
class, with, as Denry said, “no frills.” They were amazed to learn that
a chattering little woman of thirty-five, who gossiped with everybody,
and soon invited Denry and Nellie to have tea in her room, was an
authentic Russian Countess, inscribed in the visitors' lists as
“Comtesse Ruhl (with maid), Moscow.” Her room was the untidiest that
Nellie had ever seen, and the tea a picnic. Still, it was thrilling to
have had tea with a Russian Countess.... (Plots! Nihilism! Secret
police! Marble palaces!).... Those visitors' lists were breath-taking.
Pages and pages of them; scores of hotels, thousands of names, nearly
all English—and all people who came to Switzerland in winter, having
naught else to do. Denry and Nellie bathed in correctness as in a bath.
The only persons in the hotel with whom they did not “get on” nor
“hit it off” were a military party, chiefly named Clutterbuck, and
presided over by a Major Clutterbuck and his wife. They sat at a large
table in a corner—father, mother, several children, a sister-in-law, a
sister, a governess—eight heads in all; and while utterly polite they
seemed to draw a ring round themselves. They grumbled at the hotel;
they played bridge (then a newish game); and once, when Denry and the
Countess played with them (Denry being an adept card-player) for
shilling points, Denry overheard the sister-in-law say that she was
sure Captain Deverax wouldn't play for shilling points. This was the
first rumour of the existence of Captain Deverax; but afterwards
Captain Deverax began to be mentioned several times a day. Captain
Deverax was coming to join them, and it seemed that he was a very
particular man. Soon all the rest of the hotel had got its back up
against this arriving Captain Deverax. Then a Clutterbuck cousin came,
a smiling, hard, fluffy woman, and pronounced definitely that the Hotel
Beau-Site would never do for Captain Deverax. This cousin aroused
Denry's hostility in a strange way. She imparted to the Countess (who
united all sects) her opinion that Denry and Nellie were on their
honeymoon. At night in a corner of the drawing-room the Countess
delicately but bluntly asked Nellie if she had been married long. “No,”
said Nellie. “A month?” asked the Countess, smiling. “N-no,” said
The next day all the hotel knew. The vast edifice of make-believe
that Denry and Nellie had laboriously erected crumbled at a word, and
they stood forth, those two, blushing for the criminals they were.
The hotel was delighted. There is more rejoicing in a hotel over one
honeymoon couple than over fifty families with children.
But the hotel had a shock the same day. The Clutterbuck cousin had
proclaimed that owing to the inadequacy of the bedroom furniture she
had been obliged to employ a sofa as a wardrobe. Then there were more
references to Captain Deverax. And then at dinner it became known—
Heaven knows how!—that the entire Clutterbuck party had given notice
and was seceding to the Hotel Metropole. Also they had tried to carry
the Countess with them, but had failed.
Now, among the guests of the Hotel Beau-Site there had always been a
professed scorn of the rival Hotel Metropole, which was a franc a day
dearer, and famous for its new and rich furniture. The Metropole had an
orchestra twice a week, and the English Church services were held in
its drawing-room; and it was larger than the Beau-Site. In spite of
these facts the clients of the Beau-Site affected to despise it, saying
that the food was inferior and that the guests were snobbish. It was an
article of faith in the Beau-Site that the Beau-Site was the best hotel
on the mountain-side, if not in Switzerland.
The insolence of this defection on the part of the Clutterbucks! How
on earth could people have the face to go to a landlord and say
to him that they meant to desert him in favour of his rival?
Another detail: the secession of nine or ten people from one hotel
to the other meant that the Metropole would decidedly be more populous
than the Beau-Site, and on the point of numbers the emulation was very
keen. “Well,” said the Beau-Site, “let 'em go! With their Captain
Deverax! We shall be better without 'em!” And that deadliest of all
feuds sprang up —a rivalry between the guests of rival hotels. The
Metropole had issued a general invitation to a dance, and after the
monstrous conduct of the Clutterbucks the question arose whether the
Beau-Site should not boycott the dance. However, it was settled that
the truly effective course would be to go with critical noses in the
air, and emit unfavourable comparisons with the Beau-Site. The
Beau-Site suddenly became perfect in the esteem of its patrons. Not
another word was heard on the subject of hot water being coated with
ice. And the Clutterbucks, with incredible assurance, slid their
luggage off in a sleigh to the Metropole, in the full light of day,
amid the contempt of the faithful.
Under the stars the dancing section of the Beau-Site went off in
jingling sleighs over the snow to the ball at the Metropole. The
distance was not great, but it was great enough to show the inadequacy
of furs against twenty degrees of mountain frost, and it was also great
enough to allow the party to come to a general final understanding that
its demeanour must be cold and critical in the gilded halls of the
Metropole. The rumour ran that Captain Deverax had arrived, and every
one agreed that he must be an insufferable booby, except the Countess
Ruhl, who never used her fluent exotic English to say ill of anybody.
The gilded halls of the Metropole certainly were imposing. The hotel
was incontestably larger than the Beau-Site, newer, more richly
furnished. Its occupants, too, had a lordly way with them, trying to
others, but inimitable. Hence the visitors from the Beau-Site, as they
moved to and fro beneath those crystal chandeliers from Tottenham Court
Road, had their work cut out to maintain the mien of haughty
indifference. Nellie, for instance, frankly could not do it. And Denry
did not do it very well. Denry, nevertheless, did score one point over
Mrs Clutterbuck's fussy cousin.
“Captain Deverax has come,” said this latter. “He was very late.
He'll be downstairs in a few minutes. We shall get him to lead the
“Captain Deverax?” Denry questioned.
“Yes. You've heard us mention him,” said the cousin, affronted.
“Possibly,” said Denry. “I don't remember.”
On hearing this brief colloquy the cohorts of the Beau-Site felt
that in Denry they possessed the making of a champion.
There was a disturbing surprise, however, waiting for Denry.
The lift descended; and with a peculiar double action of his arms on
the doors, like a pantomime fairy emerging from an enchanted castle, a
tall thin man stepped elegantly out of the lift and approached the
company with a certain mincingness. But before he could reach the
company several young women had rushed towards him, as though with the
intention of committing suicide by hanging themselves from his neck. He
was in an evening suit so perfect in detail that it might have
sustained comparison with the costume of the head waiter. And he wore
an eyeglass in his left eye. It was the eyeglass that made Denry jump.
For two seconds he dismissed the notion.... But another two seconds of
examination showed beyond doubt that this eyeglass was the eyeglass of
the train. And Denry had apprehensions....
“Captain Deverax!” exclaimed several voices.
The manner in which the youthful and the mature fair clustered
around this Captain, aged forty (and not handsome) was really
extraordinary, to the males of the Hotel Beau-Site. Even the little
Russian Countess attached herself to him at once. And by reason of her
title, her social energy, and her personal distinction, she took
natural precedence of the others.
“Recognise him?” Denry whispered to his wife.
Nellie nodded. “He seems rather nice,” she said diffidently.
“Nice!” Denry repeated the adjective. “The man's an ass!”
And the majority of the Beau-Site party agreed with Denry's verdict
either by word or gesture.
Captain Deverax stared fixedly at Denry; then smiled vaguely and
drawled, “Hullo! How d' do?”
And they shook hands.
“So you know him?” some one murmured to Denry.
“Know him?... Since infancy.”
The inquirer scented facetiousness, but he was somehow impressed.
The remarkable thing was that though he regarded Captain Deverax as a
popinjay, he could not help feeling a certain slight satisfaction in
the fact that they were in some sort acquaintances.... Mystery of the
human heart!... He wished sincerely that he had not, in his
conversation with the Captain in the train, talked about previous
visits to Switzerland. It was dangerous.
The dance achieved that brightness and joviality which entitle a
dance to call itself a success. The cotillon reached brilliance, owing
to the captaincy of Captain Deverax. Several score opprobrious epithets
were applied to the Captain in the course of the night, but it was
agreed nemine contradicente that, whatever he would have done in
front of a Light Brigade at Balaclava, as a leader of cotillons he was
terrific. Many men, however, seemed to argue that if a man who was
a man led a cotillon, he ought not to lead it too well, on pain of
being considered a cox-comb.
At the close, during the hot soup, the worst happened. Denry had
known that it would.
Captain Deverax was talking to Nellie, who was respectfully
listening, about the scenery, when the Countess came up, plate in hand.
“No, no,” the Countess protested. “As for me, I hate your mountains.
I was born in the steppe where it is all level—level! Your mountains
close me in. I am only here by order of my doctor. Your mountains get
on my nerves.” She shrugged her shoulders.
Captain Deverax smiled.
“It is the same with you, isn't it?” he said turning to Nellie.
“Oh, no,” said Nellie, simply.
“But your husband told me the other day that when you and he were in
Geneva a couple of years ago, the view of Mont Blanc used to—er—upset
“View of Mont Blanc?” Nellie stammered.
Everybody was aware that she and Denry had never been in Switzerland
before, and that their marriage was indeed less than a month old.
“You misunderstood me,” said Denry, gruffly. “My wife hasn't been to
“Oh!” drawled Captain Deverax.
His “Oh!” contained so much of insinuation, disdain, and lofty
amusement that Denry blushed, and when Nellie saw her husband's cheek
she blushed in competition and defeated him easily. It was felt that
either Denry had been romancing to the Captain, or that he had been
married before, unknown to his Nellie, and had been “carrying on” at
Geneva. The situation, though it dissolved of itself in a brief space,
was awkward. It discredited the Hotel Beau-Site. It was in the nature
of a repulse for the Hotel Beau-Site (franc a day cheaper than the
Metropole) and of a triumph for the popinjay. The fault was utterly
Denry's. Yet he said to himself:
“I'll be even with that chap.”
On the drive home he was silent. The theme of conversation in the
sleighs which did not contain the Countess was that the Captain had
flirted tremendously with the Countess, and that it amounted to an
Captain Deverax was equally salient in the department of sports.
There was a fair sheet of ice, obtained by cutting into the side of the
mountain, and a very good tobogganing track, about half a mile in
length and full of fine curves, common to the two hotels. Denry's
predilection was for the track. He would lie on his stomach on the
little contrivance which the Swiss call a luge, and which consists of
naught but three bits of wood and two steel-clad runners, and would
course down the perilous curves at twenty miles an hour. Until the
Captain came, this was regarded as dashing, because most people were
content to sit on the luge and travel legs-foremost instead of
head-foremost. But the Captain, after a few eights on the ice,
intimated that for the rest no sport was true sport save the sport of
ski-running. He allowed it to be understood that luges were for
infants. He had brought his skis, and these instruments of locomotion,
some six feet in length, made a sensation among the inexperienced. For
when he had strapped them to his feet the Captain, while stating
candidly that his skill was as nothing to that of the Swedish
professionals at St Moritz, could assuredly slide over snow in manner
prodigious and beautiful. And he was exquisitely clothed for the part.
His knickerbockers, in the elegance of their lines, were the delight of
beholders. Ski-ing became the rage. Even Nellie insisted on hiring a
pair. And the pronunciation of the word “ski” aroused long discussions
and was never definitely settled by anybody. The Captain said “skee,”
but he did not object to “shee,” which was said to be the more strictly
correct by a lady who knew some one who had been to Norway. People with
no shame and no feeling for correctness said brazenly, “sky.” Denry,
whom nothing could induce to desert his luge, said that obviously
“s-k-i” could only spell “planks.” And thanks to his inspiration this
version was adopted by the majority.
On the second day of Nellie's struggle with her skis she had more
success than she either anticipated or desired. She had been making
experiments at the summit of the track, slithering about, falling, and
being restored to uprightness by as many persons as happened to be
near. Skis seemed to her to be the most ungovernable and least
practical means of travel that the madness of man had ever concocted.
Skates were well-behaved old horses compared to these long, untamed
fiends, and a luge was like a tricycle. Then suddenly a friendly
starting push drove her a yard or two, and she glided past the level on
to the first imperceptible slope of the track. By some hazard her two
planks were exactly parallel, as they ought to be, and she glided
forward miraculously. And people heard her say:
And then people heard her say:
For her pace was increasing. And she dared not strike her pole into
the ground. She had, in fact, no control whatever over those two planks
to which her feet were strapped. She might have been Mazeppa and they
mustangs. She could not even fall. So she fled down the preliminary
straight of the track, and ecstatic spectators cried: “Look how well
Mrs Machin is doing!”
Mrs Machin would have given all her furs to be anywhere off those
planks. On the adjacent fields of glittering snow the Captain had been
giving his adored Countess a lesson in the use of skis; and they stood
together, the Countess somewhat insecure, by the side of the track at
its first curve.
Nellie, dumb with excitement and amazement, swept towards them.
“Look out!” cried the Captain.
In vain! He himself might perhaps have escaped, but he could not
abandon his Countess in the moment of peril, and the Countess could
only move after much thought and many efforts, being scarce more
advanced than Nellie. Nellie's wilful planks quite ignored the curve,
and, as it were afloat on them, she charged off the track, and into the
Captain and the Countess. The impact was tremendous. Six skis waved
like semaphores in the air. Then all was still. Then, as the beholders
hastened to the scene of the disaster, the Countess laughed and Nellie
laughed. The laugh of the Captain was not heard. The sole casualty was
a wound about a foot long in the hinterland of the Captain's unique
knicker-bockers. And as threads of that beautiful check pattern were
afterwards found attached to the wheel of Nellie's pole, the cause of
the wound was indisputable. The Captain departed home, chiefly
backwards, but with great rapidity.
In the afternoon Denry went down to Montreux and returned with an
opal bracelet, which Nellie wore at dinner.
“Oh! What a ripping bracelet!” said a girl.
“Yes,” said Nellie. “My husband gave it me only to-day.”
“I suppose it's your birthday or something,” the inquisitive girl
“No,” said Nellie.
“How nice of him!” said the girl.
The next day Captain Deverax appeared in riding breeches. They were
not correct for ski-running, but they were the best he could do. He
visited a tailor's in Montreux.
The Countess Ruhl had a large sleigh of her own, also a horse; both
were hired from Montreux. In this vehicle, sometimes alone, sometimes
with a male servant, she would drive at Russian speed over the
undulating mountain roads; and for such expeditions she always wore a
large red cloak with a hood. Often she was thus seen, in the afternoon;
the scarlet made a bright moving patch on the vast expanses of snow.
Once, at some distance from the village, two tale-tellers observed a
man on skis careering in the neighbourhood of the sleigh. It was
Captain Deverax. The flirtation, therefore, was growing warmer and
warmer. The hotels hummed with the tidings of it. But the Countess
never said anything; nor could anything be extracted from her by even
the most experienced gossips. She was an agreeable but a mysterious
woman, as befitted a Russian Countess. Again and again were she and the
Captain seen together afar off in the landscape. Certainly it was a
novelty in flirtations. People wondered what might happen between the
two at the fancy-dress ball which the Hotel Beau-Site was to give in
return for the hospitality of the Hotel Metropole. The ball was offered
not in love, but in emulation, almost in hate; for the jealousy
displayed by the Beau-Site against the increasing insolence of the
Metropole had become acute. The airs of the Captain and his lieges, the
Clutterbuck party, had reached the limit of the Beau-Site's endurance.
The Metropole seemed to take it for granted that the Captain would lead
the cotillon at the Beau-Site's ball as he had led it at the
And then, on the very afternoon of the ball, the Countess received a
telegram—it was said from St Petersburg—which necessitated her
instant departure. And she went, in an hour, down to Montreux by the
funicular railway, and was lost to the Beau-Site. This was a blow to
the prestige of the Beau-Site. For the Countess was its chief star,
and, moreover, much loved by her fellow-guests, despite her curious
weakness for the popinjay, and the mystery of her outings with him.
In the stables Denry saw the Countess's hired sleigh and horse, and
in the sleigh her glowing red cloak. And he had one of his ideas, which
he executed, although snow was beginning to fall. In ten minutes he and
Nellie were driving forth, and Nellie in the red cloak held the reins.
Denry, in a coachman's furs, sat behind. They whirled past the Hotel
Metropole. And shortly afterwards, on the wild road towards Attalens,
Denry saw a pair of skis scudding as quickly as skis can scud in their
rear. It was astonishing how the sleigh, with all the merry jingle of
its bells, kept that pair of skis at a distance of about a hundred
yards. It seemed to invite the skis to overtake it, and then to regret
the invitation and flee further. Up the hills it would crawl, for the
skis climbed slowly. Down them it galloped, for the skis slid on the
slopes at a dizzy pace. Occasionally a shout came from the skis. And
the snow fell thicker and thicker. So for four or five miles. Starlight
commenced. Then the road made a huge descending curve round a hollowed
meadow, and the horse galloped its best. But the skis, making a
straight line down the snow, acquired the speed of an express, and
gained on the sleigh one yard in every three. At the bottom, where the
curve met the straight line, was a farmhouse and outbuildings and a
hedge and a stone wall and other matters. The sleigh arrived at the
point first, but only by a trifle. “Mind your toes,” Denry muttered to
himself, meaning an injunction to the skis, whose toes were three feet
long. The skis, through the eddying snow, yelled frantically to the
sleigh to give room. The skis shot up into the road, and in swerving
aside swerved into a snow-laden hedge, and clean over it into the
farmyard, where they stuck themselves up in the air, as skis will when
the person to whose feet they are attached is lying prone. The door of
the farm opened and a woman appeared.
She saw the skis at her doorstep. She heard the sleigh-bells, but
the sleigh had already vanished into the dusk.
“Well, that was a bit of a lark, that was, Countess!” said Denry to
Nellie. “That will be something to talk about. We'd better drive home
through Corsier, and quick too! It'll be quite dark soon.”
“Supposing he's dead!” Nellie breathed, aghast, reining in the
“Not he!” said Denry. “I saw him beginning to sit up.”
“But how will he get home?”
“It looks a very nice farmhouse,” said Denry. “I should think he'd
be sorry to leave it.”
When Denry entered the dining-room of the Beau-Site, which had been
cleared for the ball, his costume drew attention not so much by its
splendour or ingenuity as by its peculiarity. He wore a short
Chinese-shaped jacket, which his wife had made out of blue linen, and a
flat Chinese hat to match, which they had constructed together on a
basis of cardboard. But his thighs were enclosed in a pair of absurdly
ample riding-breeches of an impressive check and cut to a comic
exaggeration of the English pattern. He had bought the cloth for these
at the tailor's in Montreux. Below them were very tight leggings, also
English. In reply to a question as to what or whom he supposed himself
to represent, he replied:
“A Captain of Chinese cavalry, of course.”
And he put an eyeglass into his left eye and stared.
Now it had been understood that Nellie was to appear as Lady Jane
Grey. But she appeared as Little Red Riding-Hood, wearing over her
frock the forgotten cloak of the Countess Ruhl.
Instantly he saw her, Denry hurried towards her, with a movement of
the legs and a flourish of the eyeglass in his left hand which
powerfully suggested a figure familiar to every member of the company.
There was laughter. People saw that the idea was immensely funny and
clever, and the laughter ran about like fire. At the same time some
persons were not quite sure whether Denry had not lapsed a little from
the finest taste in this caricature. And all of them were secretly
afraid that the uncomfortable might happen when Captain Deverax
However, Captain Deverax did not arrive. The party from the
Metropole came with the news that he had not been seen at the hotel for
dinner; it was assumed that he had been to Montreux and missed the
“Our two stars simultaneously eclipsed!” said Denry, as the
Clutterbucks (representing all the history of England) stared at him
“Why?” exclaimed the Clutterbuck cousin, “who's the other?”
“The Countess,” said Denry. “She went this afternoon—three
And all the Metropole party fell into grief.
“It's a world of coincidences,” said Denry, with emphasis.
“You don't mean to insinuate,” said Mrs Clutterbuck, with a nervous
laugh, “that Captain Deverax has—er—gone after the Countess?”
“Oh no!” said Denry, with unction. “Such a thought never entered my
“I think you're a very strange man, Mr Machin,” retorted Mrs
Clutterbuck, hostile and not a bit reassured. “May one ask what that
costume is supposed to be?”
“A Captain of Chinese cavalry,” said Denry, lifting his eyeglass.
Nevertheless, the dance was a remarkable success, and little by
little even the sternest adherents of the absent Captain Deverax
deigned to be amused by Denry's Chinese gestures. Also, Denry led the
cotillon, and was thereafter greatly applauded by the Beau-Site. The
visitors agreed among themselves that, considering that his name was
not Deverax, Denry acquitted himself honourably. Later he went to the
bureau, and, returning, whispered to his wife:
“It's all right. He's come back safe.”
“How do you know?”
“I've just telephoned to ask.”
Denry's subsequent humour was wildly gay. And for some reason which
nobody could comprehend, he put a sling round his left arm. His efforts
to insert the eyeglass into his left eye with his right hand were
insistently ludicrous and became a sure source of laughter for all
beholders. When the Metropole party were getting into their sleighs to
go home—it had ceased snowing—Denry was still trying to insert his
eyeglass into his left eye with his right hand, to the universal joy.
But the joy of the night was feeble in comparison with the violent
joy of the next morning. Denry was wandering, apparently aimless,
between the finish of the tobogganing track and the portals of the
Metropole. The snowfall had repaired the defects of the worn track, but
it needed to be flattened down by use, and a number of conscientious
“lugeurs” were flattening it by frequent descents, which grew faster at
each repetition. Other holiday-makers were idling about in the
sunshine. A page-boy of the Metropole departed in the direction of the
Beau-Site with a note.
At length—the hour was nearing eleven—Captain Deverax, languid,
put his head out of the Metropole and sniffed the air. Finding the air
sufferable, he came forth on to the steps. His left arm was in a sling.
He was wearing the new knickerbockers which he had ordered at Montreux,
and which were of precisely the same vast check as had ornamented
Denry's legs on the previous night.
“Hullo!” said Denry, sympathetically. “What's this?”
The Captain needed sympathy.
“Ski-ing yesterday afternoon,” said he, with a little laugh. “Hasn't
the Countess told any of you?”
“No,” said Denry, “not a word.”
The Captain seemed to pause a moment.
“Yes,” said he. “A trifling accident. I was ski-ing with the
Countess. That is, I was ski-ing and she was in her sleigh.”
“Then this is why you didn't turn up at the dance?”
“Yes,” said the Captain.
“Well,” said Denry, “I hope it's not serious. I can tell you one
thing, the cotillon was a most fearful frost without you.” The Captain
They strolled together toward the track.
The first group of people that caught sight of the Captain with his
checked legs and his arm in a sling began to smile. Observing this
smile, and fancying himself deceived, the Captain attempted to put his
eyeglass into his left eye with his right hand, and regularly failed.
His efforts towards this feat changed the smiles to enormous laughter.
“I daresay it's awfully funny,” said he. “But what can a fellow do
with one arm in a sling?”
The laughter was merely intensified. And the group, growing as luge
after luge arrived at the end of the track, seemed to give itself up to
mirth, to the exclusion of even a proper curiosity about the nature of
the Captain's damage. Each fresh attempt to put the eyeglass to his eye
was coal on the crackling fire. The Clutterbucks alone seemed glum.
“What on earth is the joke?” Denry asked primly. “Captain Deverax
came to grief late yesterday afternoon, ski-ing with the Countess Ruhl.
That's why he didn't turn up last night. By the way, where was it,
“On the mountain, near Attalens,” Deverax answered gloomily.
“Happily there was a farmhouse near—it was almost dark.”
“With the Countess?” demanded a young impulsive schoolgirl.
“You did say the Countess, didn't you?” Denry asked.
“Why, certainly,” said the Captain, testily.
“Well,” said the schoolgirl with the nonchalant thoughtless cruelty
of youth, “considering that we all saw the Countess off in the
funicular at three o'clock, I don't see how you could have been ski-ing
with her when it was nearly dark.” And the child turned up the hill
with her luge, leaving her elders to unknot the situation.
“Oh, yes!” said Denry. “I forgot to tell you that the Countess left
yesterday after lunch.”
At the same moment the page-boy, reappearing, touched his cap and
placed a note in the Captain's only free hand.
“Couldn't deliver it, sir. The Comtesse left early yesterday
Convicted of imaginary adventure with noble ladies, the Captain made
his retreat, muttering, back to the hotel. At lunch Denry related the
exact circumstances to a delighted table, and the exact circumstances
soon reached the Clutterbuck faction at the Metropole. On the following
day the Clutterbuck faction and Captain Deverax (now fully enlightened)
left Mont Pridoux for some paradise unknown. If murderous thoughts
could kill, Denry would have lain dead. But he survived to go with
about half the Beau-Site guests to the funicular station to wish the
Clutterbucks a pleasant journey. The Captain might have challenged him
to a duel but a haughty and icy ceremoniousness was deemed the best
treatment for Denry. “Never show a wound” must have been the Captain's
The Beau-Site had scored effectively. And, now that its rival had
lost eleven clients by one single train, it beat the Metropole even in
Denry had an embryo of a conscience somewhere, and Nellie's was
“Well,” said Denry, in reply to Nellie's conscience, “it serves him
right for making me look a fool over that Geneva business. And besides,
I can't stand uppishness, and I won't. I'm from the Five Towns, I am.”
Upon which singular utterance the incident closed.
CHAPTER XII. THE SUPREME HONOUR
Denry was not as regular in his goings and comings as the generality
of business men in the Five Towns; no doubt because he was not by
nature a business man at all, but an adventurous spirit who happened to
be in a business which was much too good to leave. He was continually,
as they say there, “up to something” that caused changes in daily
habits. Moreover, the Universal Thrift Club (Limited) was so automatic
and self-winding that Denry ran no risks in leaving it often to the
care of his highly drilled staff. Still, he did usually come home to
his tea about six o'clock of an evening, like the rest, and like the
rest, he brought with him a copy of the Signal to glance at
One afternoon in July he arrived thus upon his waiting wife at
Machin House, Bleakridge. And she could see that an idea was fermenting
in his head. Nellie understood him. One of the most delightful and
reassuring things about his married life was Nellie's instinctive
comprehension of him. His mother understood him profoundly. But she
understood him in a manner sardonic, slightly malicious and even
hostile, whereas Nellie understood him with her absurd love. According
to his mother's attitude, Denry was guilty till he had proved himself
innocent. According to Nellie's, he was always right and always clever
in what he did, until he himself said that he had been wrong and
stupid—and not always then. Nevertheless, his mother was just as
ridiculously proud of him as Nellie was; but she would have perished on
the scaffold rather than admit that Denry differed in any detail from
the common run of sons. Mrs Machin had departed from Machin House
without waiting to be asked. It was characteristic of her that she had
returned to Brougham Street and rented there an out-of-date cottage
without a single one of the labour-saving contrivances that
distinguished the residence which her son had originally built for her.
It was still delicious for Denry to sit down to tea in the
dining-room, that miracle of conveniences, opposite the smile of his
wife, which told him (a) that he was wonderful, (b) that
she was enchanted to be alive, and (c) that he had deserved her
particular caressing attentions and would receive them. On the
afternoon in July the smile told him (d) that he was possessed
by one of his ideas.
“Extraordinary how she tumbles to things!” he reflected.
Nellie's new fox-terrier had come in from the garden through the
French window, and eaten part of a muffin, and Denry had eaten a muffin
and a half, before Nellie, straightening herself proudly and putting
her shoulders back (a gesture of hers) thought fit to murmur:
“Well, anything thrilling happened to-day?”
Denry opened the green sheet and read:
“'Sudden death of Alderman Bloor in London.' What price that?”
“Oh!” exclaimed Nellie. “How shocked father will be! They were
always rather friendly. By the way, I had a letter from mother this
morning. It appears as if Toronto was a sort of paradise. But you can
see the old thing prefers Bursley. Father's had a boil on his neck,
just at the edge of his collar. He says it's because he's too well.
What did Mr Bloor die off?”
“He was in the fashion,” said Denry.
“Appendicitis, of course. Operation—domino! All over in three
“Poor man!” Nellie murmured, trying to feel sad for a change and not
succeeding. “And he was to have been mayor in November, wasn't he? How
disappointing for him.”
“I expect he's got something else to think about,” said Denry.
After a pause Nellie asked suddenly:
“Who'll be mayor—now?”
“Well,” said Denry, “his Worship Councillor Barlow, J.P., will be
extremely cross if he isn't.”
“How horrid!” said Nellie, frankly. “And he's got nobody at all to
“Mrs Prettyman would be mayoress,” said Denry. “When there's no wife
or daughter, it's always a sister if there is one.”
“But can you imagine Mrs Prettyman as mayoress? Why, they say
she scrubs her own doorstep—after dark. They ought to make you mayor.”
“Do you fancy yourself as mayoress?” he inquired.
“I should be better than Mrs Prettyman, anyhow.”
“I believe you'd make an A1 mayoress,” said Denry.
“I should be frightfully nervous,” she confidentially admitted.
“I doubt it,” said he.
The fact was, that since her return to Bursley from the honeymoon,
Nellie was an altered woman. She had acquired, as it were in a day, to
an astonishing extent, what in the Five Towns is called “a nerve.”
“I should like to try it,” said she.
“One day you'll have to try it, whether you want to or not.”
“When will that be?”
“Don't know. Might be next year but one. Old Barlow's pretty certain
to be chosen for next November. It's looked on as his turn next. I know
there's been a good bit of talk about me for the year after Barlow. Of
course, Bloor's death will advance everything by a year. But even if I
come next after Barlow it'll be too late.”
“Too late? Too late for what?”
“I'll tell you,” said Denry. “I wanted to be the youngest mayor that
Bursley's ever had. It was only a kind of notion I had a long time ago.
I'd given it up, because I knew there was no chance unless I came
before Bloor, which of course I couldn't do. Now he's dead. If I could
upset old Barlow's apple-cart I should just be the youngest mayor by
the skin of my teeth. Huskinson, the mayor in 1884, was aged
thirty-four and six months. I've looked it all up this afternoon.”
“How lovely if you could be the youngest mayor!”
“Yes. I'll tell you how I feel. I feel as though I didn't want to be
mayor at all if I can't be the youngest mayor... you know.”
“Oh!” she cried, “do upset Mr Barlow's apple-cart. He's a horrid old
thing. Should I be the youngest mayoress?”
“Not by chalks,” said he. “Huskinson's sister was only sixteen.”
“But that's only playing at being mayoress!” Nellie protested.
“Anyhow, I do think you might be youngest mayor. Who settles it?”
“The Council, of course.”
“Nobody likes Councillor Barlow.”
“He'll be still less liked when he's wound up the Bursley Football
“Well, urge him on to wind it up, then. But I don't see what
football has got to do with being mayor.”
She endeavoured to look like a serious politician.
“You are nothing but a cuckoo,” Denry pleasantly informed her.
“Football has got to do with everything. And it's been a disastrous
mistake in my career that I've never taken any interest in football.
Old Barlow wants no urging on to wind up the Football Club. He's
absolutely set on it. He's lost too much over it. If I could stop him
from winding it up, I might....”
She perceived that his idea was yet vague.
Not very many days afterwards the walls of Bursley called attention,
by small blue and red posters (blue and red being the historic colours
of the Bursley Football Club), to a public meeting, which was to be
held in the Town Hall, under the presidency of the Mayor, to consider
what steps could be taken to secure the future of the Bursley Football
There were two “great” football clubs in the Five Towns—Knype, one
of the oldest clubs in England, and Bursley. Both were in the League,
though Knype was in the first division while Bursley was only in the
second. Both were, in fact, limited companies, engaged as much in the
pursuit of dividends as in the practice of the one ancient and glorious
sport which appeals to the reason and the heart of England. (Neither
ever paid a dividend.) Both employed professionals, who, by a strange
chance, were nearly all born in Scotland; and both also employed
trainers who, before an important match, took the teams off to a
hydropathic establishment far, far distant from any public-house. (This
was called “training.”) Now, whereas the Knype Club was struggling
along fairly well, the Bursley Club had come to the end of its
resources. The great football public had practically deserted it. The
explanation, of course, was that Bursley had been losing too many
matches. The great football public had no use for anything but
victories. It would treat its players like gods—so long as they won.
But when they happened to lose, the great football public simply
sulked. It did not kick a man that was down; it merely ignored him,
well knowing that the man could not get up without help. It cared
nothing whatever for fidelity, municipal patriotism, fair play, the
chances of war, or dividends on capital. If it could see victories it
would pay sixpence, but it would not pay sixpence to assist at defeats.
Still, when at a special general meeting of the Bursley Football
Club, Limited, held at the registered office, the Coffee House,
Bursley, Councillor Barlow, J.P., Chairman of the Company since the
creation of the League, announced that the Directors had reluctantly
come to the conclusion that they could not conscientiously embark on
the dangerous risks of the approaching season, and that it was the
intention of the Directors to wind up the club, in default of adequate
public interest— when Bursley read this in the Signal, the town
was certainly shocked. Was the famous club, then, to disappear for
ever, and the football ground to be sold in plots, and the grand stand
for firewood? The shock was so severe that the death of Alderman Bloor
(none the less a mighty figure in Bursley) had passed as a minor event.
Hence the advertisement of the meeting in the Town Hall caused joy
and hope, and people said to themselves: “Something's bound to be done;
the old club can't go out like that.” And everybody grew quite
sentimental. And although nothing is supposed to be capable of filling
Bursley Town Hall except a political meeting and an old folk's treat,
Bursley Town Hall was as near full as made no matter for the football
question. Many men had cheerfully sacrificed a game of billiards and a
glass of beer in order to attend it.
The Mayor, in the chair, was a mild old gentleman who knew nothing
whatever about football and had probably never seen a football match;
but it was essential that the meeting should have august patronage and
so the Mayor had been trapped and tamed. On the mere fact that he paid
an annual subscription to the golf club, certain parties built up the
legend that he was a true sportsman, with the true interests of sport
in his soul.
He uttered a few phrases, such as “the manly game,” “old
associations,” “bound up with the history of England,” “splendid
fellows,” “indomitable pluck,” “dogged by misfortune” (indeed, he
produced quite an impression on the rude and grim audience), and then
he called upon Councillor Barlow to make a statement.
Councillor Barlow, on the Mayor's right, was a different kind of man
from the Mayor. He was fifty and iron-grey, with whiskers, but no
moustache; short, stoutish, raspish.
He said nothing about manliness, pluck, history, or Auld Lang Syne.
He said he had given his services as Chairman to the football club
for thirteen years; that he had taken up L2000 worth of shares in the
Company; and that as at that moment the Company's liabilities would
exactly absorb its assets, his L2000 was worth exactly nothing. “You
may say,” he said, “I've lost that L2000 in thirteen years. That is,
it's the same as if I'd been steadily paying three pun' a week out of
my own pocket to provide football matches that you chaps wouldn't take
the trouble to go and see. That's the straight of it! What have I got
for my pains? Nothing but worries and these!” (He pointed to his grey
hairs.) “And I'm not alone; there's others; and now I have to come and
defend myself at a public meeting. I'm supposed not to have the best
interests of football at heart. Me and my co-Directors,” he proceeded,
with even a rougher raspishness, “have warned the town again and again
what would happen if the matches weren't better patronised. And now
it's happened, and now it's too late, you want to do something!
You can't! It's too late. There's only one thing the matter with
first-class football in Bursley,” he concluded, “and it isn't the
players. It's the public—it's yourselves. You're the most craven lot
of tom-fools that ever a big football club had to do with. When we lose
a match, what do you do? Do you come and encourage us next time? No,
you stop away, and leave us fifty or sixty pound out of pocket on a
match, just to teach us better! Do you expect us to win every match?
Why, Preston North End itself”— here he spoke solemnly, of
heroes—“Preston North End itself in its great days didn't win every
match—it lost to Accrington. But did the Preston public desert it? No!
You—you haven't got the pluck of a louse, nor the faithfulness of
a cat. You've starved your football club to death, and now you call a
meeting to weep and grumble. And you have the insolence to write
letters to the Signal about bad management, forsooth! If anybody
in the hall thinks he can manage this club better than me and my
co-Directors have done, I may say that we hold a majority of the
shares, and we'll part with the whole show to any clever person or
persons who care to take it off our hands at a bargain price. That's
He sat down.
Silence fell. Even in the Five Towns a public meeting is seldom
bullied as Councillor Barlow had bullied that meeting. It was aghast.
Councillor Barlow had never been popular: he had merely been respected;
but thenceforward he became even less popular than before.
“I'm sure we shall all find Councillor Barlow's heat quite
excusable—” the Mayor diplomatically began.
“No heat at all,” the Councillor interrupted. “Simply cold truth!”
A number of speakers followed, and nearly all of them were against
the Directors. Some, with prodigious memories for every combination of
players in every match that had ever been played, sought to prove by
detailed instances that Councillor Barlow and his co-Directors had
persistently and regularly muddled their work during thirteen
industrious years. And they defended the insulted public by asserting
that no public that respected itself would pay sixpence to watch the
wretched football provided by Councillor Barlow. They shouted that the
team wanted reconstituting, wanted new blood.
“Yes,” shouted Councillor Barlow in reply; “And how are you going to
get new blood, with transfer fees as high as they are now? You can't
get even an average good player for less than L200. Where's the money
to come from? Anybody want to lend a thousand or so on second
He laughed sneeringly.
No one showed a desire to invest in second debentures of the Bursley
Still, speakers kept harping on the necessity of new blood in the
team, and then others, bolder, harped on the necessity of new blood on
“Shares on sale!” cried the Councillor. “Any buyers? Or,” he added,
“do you want something for nothing—as usual?”
At length a gentleman rose at the back of the hall.
“I don't pretend to be an expert on football,” said he, “though I
think it's a great game, but I should like to say a few words as to
this question of new blood.”
The audience craned its neck.
“Will Mr Councillor Machin kindly step up to the platform?” the
And up Denry stepped.
The thought in every mind was: “What's he going to do? What's he got
up his sleeve—this time?”
“Three cheers for Machin!” people chanted gaily.
“Order!” said the Mayor.
Denry faced the audience. He was now accustomed to audiences. He
“If I'm not mistaken, one of the greatest modern footballers is a
native of this town.”
And scores of voices yelled: “Ay! Callear! Callear! Greatest centre
forward in England!”
“Yes,” said Denry. “Callear is the man I mean. Callear left the
district, unfortunately for the district, at the age of nineteen for
Liverpool. And it was not till after he left that his astounding
abilities were perceived. It isn't too much to say that he made the
fortune of Liverpool City. And I believe it is the fact that he scored
more goals in three seasons than any other player has ever done in the
League. Then, York County, which was in a tight place last year, bought
him from Liverpool for a high price, and, as all the world knows,
Callear had his leg broken in the first match he played for his new
club. That just happened to be the ruin of the York Club, which is now
quite suddenly in bankruptcy (which happily we are not), and which is
disposing of its players. Gentlemen, I say that Callear ought to come
back to his native town. He is fitter than ever he was, and his proper
place is in his native town.”
“As captain and centre forward of the club of the Mother of the Five
Towns, he would be an immense acquisition and attraction, and he would
lead us to victory.”
“And how,” demanded Councillor Barlow, jumping up angrily, “are we
to get him back to his precious native town? Councillor Machin admits
that he is not an expert on football. It will probably be news to him
that Aston Villa have offered L700 to York for the transfer of Callear,
and Blackburn Rovers have offered L750, and they're fighting it out
between 'em. Any gentleman willing to put down L800 to buy Callear for
Bursley?” he sneered. “I don't mind telling you that steam-engines and
the King himself couldn't get Callear into our club.”
“Quite finished?” Denry inquired, still standing.
Laughter, overtopped by Councillor Barlow's snort as he sat down.
Denry lifted his voice.
“Mr Callear, will you be good enough to step forward and let us all
have a look at you?”
The effect of these apparently simple words surpassed any effect
previously obtained by the most complex flights of oratory in that
hall. A young, blushing, clumsy, long-limbed, small-bodied giant
stumbled along the central aisle and climbed the steps to the platform,
where Denry pointed him to a seat. He was recognised by all the true
votaries of the game. And everybody said to everybody: “By Gosh! It's
him, right enough. It's Callear!” And a vast astonishment and
expectation of good fortune filled the hall. Applause burst forth, and
though no one knew what the appearance of Callear signified, the
applause continued and waxed.
“Good old Callear!” The hoarse shouts succeeded each other. “Good
“Anyhow,” said Denry, when the storm was stilled, “we've got him
here, without either steam-engines or His Majesty. Will the Directors
of the club accept him?”
“And what about the transfer?” Councillor Barlow demanded.
“Would you accept him and try another season if you could get him
free?” Denry retorted.
Councillor Barlow always knew his mind, and was never afraid to let
other people share that knowledge.
“Yes,” he said.
“Then I will see that you have the transfer free.”
“But what about York?”
“I have settled with York provisionally,” said Denry. “That is my
affair. I have returned from York to-day. Leave all that to me. This
town has had many benefactors far more important than myself. But I
shall be able to claim this originality: I'm the first to make a
present of a live man to the town. Gentlemen—Mr Mayor—I venture to
call for three cheers for the greatest centre forward in England, our
The scene, as the Signal said, was unique.
And at the Sports Club and the other clubs afterwards, men said to
each other: “No one but him would have thought of bringing Callear over
specially and showing him on the platform.... That's cost him above
twopence, that has!”
Two days later a letter appeared in the Signal (signed “Fiat
Justitia"), suggesting that Denry, as some reward for his public
spirit, ought to be the next mayor of Bursley, in place of Alderman
Bloor deceased. The letter urged that he would make an admirable mayor,
the sort of mayor the old town wanted in order to wake it up. And also
it pointed out that Denry would be the youngest mayor that Bursley had
ever had, and probably the youngest mayor in England that year. The
sentiment in the last idea appealed to the town. The town decided that
it would positively like to have the youngest mayor it had ever
had, and probably the youngest mayor in England that year. The
Signal printed dozens of letters on the subject. When the Council
met, more informally than formally, to choose a chief magistrate in
place of the dead alderman, several councillors urged that what Bursley
wanted was a young and popular mayor. And, in fine, Councillor
Barlow was shelved for a year. On the choice being published the entire
town said: “Now we shall have a mayoralty—and don't you forget
And Denry said to Nellie: “You'll be mayoress to the youngest mayor,
etc., my child. And it's cost me, including hotel and travelling
expenses, eight hundred and eleven pounds six and seven-pence.”
The rightness of the Council in selecting Denry as mayor was
confirmed in a singular manner by the behaviour of the football and of
Callear at the opening match of the season.
It was a philanthropic match, between Bursley and Axe, for the
benefit of a county orphanage, and, according to the custom of such
matches, the ball was formally kicked off by a celebrity, a pillar of
society. The ceremony of kicking off has no sporting significance; the
celebrity merely with gentleness propels the ball out of the white
circle and then flies for his life from the melee; but it is
supposed to add to the moral splendour of the game. In the present
instance the posters said: “Kick-off at 3.45 by Councillor E.H. Machin,
Mayor-designate.” And, indeed, no other celebrity could have been
decently selected. On the fine afternoon of the match Denry therefore
discovered himself with a new football at his toes, a silk hat on his
head, and twenty-two Herculean players menacing him in attitudes
expressive of an intention to murder him. Bursley had lost the toss,
and hence Denry had to kick towards the Bursley goal. As the Signal
said, he “despatched the sphere” straight into the keeping of Callear,
who as centre forward was facing him, and Callear was dodging down the
field with it before the Axe players had finished admiring Denry's
effrontery. Every reader will remember with a thrill the historic match
in which the immortal Jimmy Brown, on the last occasion when he
captained Blackburn Rovers, dribbled the ball himself down the length
of the field, scored a goal, and went home with the English Cup under
his arm. Callear evidently intended to imitate the feat. He was
entirely wrong. Dribbling tactics had been killed for ever, years
before, by Preston North End, who invented the “passing” game. Yet
Callear went on, and good luck seemed to float over him like a cherub.
Finally he shot; a wild, high shot; but there was an adverse wind which
dragged the ball down, swept it round, and blew it into the net. The
first goal had been scored in twenty seconds! (It was also the last in
the match.) Callear's reputation was established. Useless for solemn
experts to point out that he had simply been larking for the gallery,
and that the result was a shocking fluke—Callear's reputation was
established. He became at once the idol of the populace. As Denry
walked gingerly off the field to the grand stand he, too, was loudly
cheered, and he could not help feeling that, somehow, it was he who had
scored that goal. And although nobody uttered the precise thought, most
people did secretly think, as they gazed at the triumphant Denry, that
a man who triumphed like that, because he triumphed like that, was the
right sort of man to be mayor, the kind of man they needed.
Denry became identified with the highest class of local football.
This fact led to a curious crisis in the history of municipal manners.
On Corporation Sunday the mayor walks to church, preceded by the mace,
and followed by the aldermen and councillors, the borough officials,
the Volunteers and the Fire Brigade; after all these, in the
procession, come individuals known as prominent citizens. Now the first
and second elevens of the Bursley Football Club, headed by Callear,
expressed their desire to occupy a place in Denry's mayoral procession;
they felt that some public acknowledgment was due to the Mayor for his
services to the national sport. Denry instantly agreed, with thanks:
the notion seemed to him entirely admirable. Then some
unfortunately-inspired parson wrote to the Signal to protest
against professional footballers following the chief magistrate of the
borough to church. His arguments were that such a thing was unheard-of,
and that football was the cause of a great deal of evil gambling. Some
people were inclined to agree with the protest, until Denry wrote to
the Signal and put a few questions: Was Bursley proud of its
football team? Or was Bursley ashamed of its football team? Was the
practice of football incompatible with good citizenship? Was there
anything dishonourable in playing football? Ought professional
footballers to be considered as social pariahs? Was there any class of
beings to whom the churches ought to be closed?
The parson foundered in a storm of opprobrium, scorn, and ironic
laughter. Though the town laughed, it only laughed to hide its disgust
of the parson.
People began to wonder whether the teams would attend in costume,
carrying the football between them on a charger as a symbol. No such
multitudes ever greeted a mayoral procession in Bursley before. The
footballers, however, appeared in ordinary costume (many of them in
frock-coats); but they wore neckties of the club colours, a device
which was agreed to be in the nicest taste. St Luke's Church was
crowded; and, what is stranger, the churchyard was also crowded. The
church barely held the procession itself and the ladies who, by
influence, had been accommodated with seats in advance. Thousands of
persons filled the churchyard, and to prevent them from crushing into
the packed fane and bursting it at its weakest point, the apse, the
doors had to be locked and guarded. Four women swooned during the
service: neither Mrs Machin, senior, nor Nellie, was among the four. It
was the first time that any one had been known to swoon at a religious
service held in November. This fact alone gave a tremendous prestige to
Denry's mayoralty. When, with Nellie on his arm, he emerged from the
church to the thunders of the organ, the greeting which he received in
the churchyard, though the solemnity of the occasion forbade clapping,
lacked naught in brilliance and efficacy.
The real point and delight of that Corporation Sunday was not fully
appreciated till later. It had been expected that the collection after
the sermon would be much larger than usual, because the congregation
was much larger than usual. But the church-wardens were startled to
find it four times as large as usual. They were further startled to
find only three threepenny-bits among all the coins. This singularity
led to comment and to note-comparing. Everybody had noticed for weeks
past a growing dearth of threepenny-bits. Indeed, threepenny-bits had
practically vanished from circulation in the Five Towns. On the Monday
it became known that the clerks of the various branches of the
Universal Thrift Club, Limited, had paid into the banks enormous and
unparalleled quantities of threepenny-bits, and for at least a week
afterwards everybody paid for everything in threepenny-bits. And the
piquant news passed from mouth to mouth that Denry, to the simple end
of ensuring a thumping collection for charities on Corporation Sunday,
had used the vast organisation of the Thrift Club to bring about a
famine of threepenny-bits. In the annals of the town that Sunday is
referred to as “Threepenny-bit Sunday,” because it was so happily
devoid of threepenny-bits.
A little group of councillors were discussing Denry.
“What a card!” said one, laughing joyously. “He's a rare 'un, no
“Of course, this'll make him more popular than ever,” said another.
“We've never had a man to touch him for that.”
“And yet,” demanded Councillor Barlow, “what's he done? Has he ever
done a day's work in his life? What great cause is he identified with?”
“He's identified,” said the speaker, “with the great cause of
cheering us all up.”
* * * * *
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