Emperor of the Moon
by Aphra Behn
Enter Elaria and Mopsophil.
A curse upon that faithless Maid,
Who first her Sexes Liberty betrayed;
Born free as Man to Love and Range,
Till Nobler Nature did to Custom change.
Custom, that dull excuse for Fools,
Who think all Vertue to consist in Rules.
From Love our Fetters never sprung,
That smiling God, all wanton Gay and Young,
Shows by his Wings he cannot be
Confined to a restless Slavery;
But here and there at random roves,
Not fixt to glittering Courts or shady Groves.
Than she that Constancy Profest,
Was but a well dissembler at the best;
And that imaginary sway
She feigned to give, in seeming to obey,
Was but the height of Prudent Art,
To deal with greater Liberty her Heart.
[After the Song Elaria
gives her Lute to Mopsophil.
This does not divert me:
Nor nothing will, till
And bring me News of
Truly I was so sleepy last Night, I know nothing of the adventure,
for which you are kept so close a Prisoner to Day, and more strictly
guarded than usual.
Cinthio came with Musick last Night under my Window, which
my Father hearing sallyed out with his Mermidons upon him; and
clashing of Swords I heard, but what hurt was done, or whether Cinthio were discovered to him, I know not; but the Billet I sent
him now by Scaramouch, will occasion me soon intelligence.
And see Madam where you trusty
Enter Scaramouch peeping on all sides before he
—You may advance, and fear none but your Friends.
Away and keep the door.
Oh dear Scaramouch! hast thou been at the Vice-Roys!
And hast thou delivered my Letter to his Nephew, Don
Yes, Yes, what should I deliver else?
Well—and how does he?
[Fanning himself with
Lord, how shou'd he do? Why, what a Laborious thing it is to be a
Why, well he shou'd do.
So he is, as well as a Night adventuring Lover can be,—he has got
but one wound, Madam.
How! wounded say you? Oh Heavens! 'Tis not Mortal?
Why, I have no great skill,—but they say it may be Dangerous.
I Dye with fear, where is he wounded?
Why, Madam, he is run—quit thorough the —heart,—but the Man
may Live, if I please.
Thou please! Torment me not with Bidles.
Why, Madam, there is a certain cordial Ballam, called a fair, Lady;
which outwardly applyed to his Bosom, will prove a better cure than
all your Weapon or Sympathetick Powder, meaning your Ladyship.
Is Cinthio then not wounded?
No otherwise than by your fair Eyes, Madam; he got away unseen and
Dost know how precious time is, and dost thou Fool it away thus?
what said he to my Letter?
What should he say?
Why a hundred dear soft things of Love, kiss it as often, and bless
me for my goodness.
Why so he did.
Ask thee a thousand question of my health after my last nights
So he did.
Expressing all the kind concern Love cou'd inspire, for the
punishment my Father has inflicted on me, for entertaining him at my
Window last Night.
All this he did.
And for my being confin'd a Prisoner to my Apartment, without the
hope or almost possibility of seeing him any more.
There I think you are a little mistaken, for besides the Plot that
I have laid to bring you together all this Night,—there are such
Stratagems abrewing, not only to bring you together, but with your
Fathers consent too; Such a Plot, Madam.
Ay that wou'd be worthy of thy Brain; prethee what—
Such a device.
Such a Canundrum,—well if there be wise Men and Conjurers in the
World, they are intriguing Lovers.
Out with it.
You must know, Madam, your Father, (my Master, the Doctor,) is a
little Whimsical, Romantick, or Don Quick-sottish, or so.—
Or rather Mad.
That were uncivil to be supposed by me; but Lunatick we may call
him without breaking the Decorum of good Manners; for he is always
travelling to the Moon.
And so Religiously believes there is a World there, that he
discourses as gravely of the People, their Government, Institutions,
Laws, Manners, Religion and Constitution, as if he had been bred a Machiavel there.
How came he thus infected first?
With reading foolish Books,
the Lofty Traveller, who flew up to the Moon, and thence to
Heaven; an Heroick business called, The Man in the Moon, if
you'll believe a Spaniard, who was carried thether, upon an
Engine drawn by wild Geese; with another Philosophical Piece, A
Discourse of the World in the Moon; with a thousand other
ridiculous Volumes too hard to name.
Ay, this reading of Books is a pernicious thing. I was like to have
run Mad once, reading Sir John Mandivel; —but to the
business,—I went, as you know, to Don Cinthio's Lodgings,
where I found him with his dear Friend Charmante, laying their
heads together for a Farce.
Ay a Farce, which shall be called,—the World in the Moon
. Wherein your Father shall be so impos'd on, as shall bring matters
most magnificently about.—
I cannot conceive thee, but the design must be good since
and Charmante own it.
In order to this,
Charmante is dressing himself like one of
the Caballists of the Rosacrusian Order, and is coming to
prepare my credulous Master for the greater imposition. I have his
trinckets here to play upon him, which shall be ready.
But the Farce, where is It to be Acted?
Here, here, in this very House; I am to order the Decoration, adorn
a Stage, and place Scenes proper.
How can this be done without my Father's knowledge?
You know the old Apartment next the great Orchard, and the
Worm-eaten Gallery, that opens to the River; which place for several
years no Body has frequented, there all things shall be Acted proper
for our purpose.
Enter Mopsa running.
Run, Run Scaramouch, my Masters Conjuring for you like Mad
below, he calls up all his little Divels with horrid Names, his Microscope, his
Telescope, and all
Here, here,—I had almost forgot the Letters; here's one for you,
and one for Mrs. Bellemante.
Enter Bellemante with a Book.
Here, take my Prayer Book, Oh
Thy Eyes are always laughing,
And so would yours had they been so well imployed as mine, this
Morning. I have been at the Chapel; and seen so many Beaus, such a
Number of Plumeys, I cou'd not tell which I shou'd look on most,
sometimes my heart was charm'd with the gay Blonding, then with the
Melancholy Noire, annon the amiable brunet, sometimes the bashful,
then again the bold; the little now, anon the lovely tall! In fine, my
Dear, I was embarass'd on all sides, I did nothing but deal my heart tout au toore.
Oh there was then no danger, Cousin.
No but abundance of Pleasure.
Why, this is better than sighing for
That's when he's present only, and makes his Court to me; I can
sigh to a Lover, but will never sigh after him, —but Oh the Beaus,
the Beaus, Cousin, that I saw at Church.
Oh you had great Devotion to Heaven then!
And so I had; for I did nothing but admire its handy work, but I
cou'd not have pray'd heartily if I had been dying; but a deuce on't,
who shou'd come in and spoyl all but my Lover Charmante, so
drest, so Gallant, that he drew together all the scatter'd fragments
of my heart, confin'd my wandering thoughts, and fixt 'em all on him;
Oh how he look't, how he was dress'd!
Chivalier, a Chevave Blond,
Plus de Mouche, Plus de Powdre
Pleus de Ribons et Cannous.
—Oh what a dear ravishing thing is the beginning of an Amour?
Thou'rt still in Tune, when wilt thou be tame,
When I am weary of loving,
To keep up your Humor, here's a Letter from your
Malicious Creature, when wilt thou cease to
torment me, and either appear less charming or more kind. I languish
when from you, and am wounded when I see you, and yet I am eternally
Courting my Pain. Cinthio and I are contriving how we shall see you to
Night. Let us not toyl in vain; we ask but your consent; the pleasure
will be all ours; 'tis therefore fit we suffer all the fatigue. Grant
this, and Love me, if you will save the Life of
Charmante! Live, as long as Love can last!
Scaramouch tells me of a rare design's a
hatching, to relieve us from this Captivity; here are we mew'd up to
be espous'd to two Moon-calfs for ought I know; for the Devil of any
Human thing is suffer'd to come near us, without our Governante and
Keeper, Mr. Scaramouch.
Who, if he had no more Honesty, and Conscience, than my Uncle,
wou'd let us pine for want of Lovers; but thanks be prais'd the
Generosity of our Cavaliers has open'd their obdurate Hearts with a
Golden key, that let's 'em in at all opportunities. Come, come, let's
in, and answer their Billet Deux.
Enter Doctor, with all manner of Mathematical
Instruments, hanging at his Girdle; Scaramouch bearing a Telescope
twenty (or more) Foot long.
Set down the Telescope.—Let me see, what Hour is it?
About six a Clock, Sir.
Then 'tis about the Hour, that the great Monarch of the upper World
enters into his Closet; Mount, mount the Telescope.
What to do, Sir?
I understand, at certain moments Critical, one may be snatch't of
such a mighty consequence to let the sight into the secret Closet.
How, Sir, Peep into the Kings Closet; under favour, Sir, that will
be something uncivil.
Uncivil, it were flat Treason if it shou'd be known, but thus
unseen, and as wise Politicians shou'd, I take Survey of all: This is
the States-man's peeping-hole, thorow which he Steals the secrets of
his King, and seems to wink at distance.
The very key-hole, Sir, thorow which with half an Eye, he sees him
even at his Devotion, Sir.
[A knocking at the
Take care none enter—
[Scar. goes to the Door.
Oh, Sir, Sir, here's some strange great Man come to wait on you.
Great Man? from whence?
Nay, from the Moon World, for ought I know, for he looks not like
the People of the lower Orb.
Ha! and that may be: wait on him in.
Enter Scaramouch bare, bowing before Charmante,
drest in a strange Fantastical Habit, with Harliquin Salutes the
Doctor Baliardo, most learned Sir, all Hail; Hail from the
great Caballa—of Eutopia.
Bard, thrice welcome.
[Salutes him low.
The Fame of your great Learning, Sir, and Vertue, is known with Joy
to the renown'd Society.
Fame, Sir, has done me too much Honour, to bear my Name to the
You must not attribute it all to Fame, Sir, they are too learned
and wise to take up things from Fame, Sir; our intleligence is by ways
more secret and sublime, the Stars, and little Dæmons of the Air
inform us all things, past, present, and to come.
I must confess the Count of
Gabalist, renders it plain, from
Writ Divine and Humane, there are such friendly and intleligent Dæmons.
I hope you do not doubt that Doctrine, Sir, which holds that the
Four Elements are Peopl'd with Persons of a Form and Species more
Divine than Vulgar Mortals— those of the fiery Regions we call the Salamanders, they beget Kings and
Heroes, with Spirits like
their Deietical Sires the lovely Inhabitants of the Water, we call
Nymphs. Those of the Earth are Gnomes or Fayries. Those of the Air
are Silfs. These, Sir, when in Conjunction with Mortals, beget
Immortal Races. Such as the first born man, which had continu'd so,
had the first Man ne'er doated on a Woman.
I am of that opinion, Sir, Man was not made for Woman.
Most certain, Sir, Man was to have been Immortalliz'd by the Love
and Conversation of these Charming Silfs and Nymphs, and Woman by the
Gnomes and Salamanders, and to have stock'd the World with Demy Gods,
such as at this Day inhabit the Empire of the Moon.
Most admirable Philosophy and Reason.—But do these Silfs and
Nymphs appear in shapes?
Of the most Beautiful of all the Sons and Daughters of the
Universe: Fancy, Imagination is not half so Charming: And then so
soft, so kind! but none but the Caballa and their Families are
blest with their Divine Addresses. Were you but once admitted to that
Ay, Sir, what Vertues or what Merits can accomplish me for that
An absolute abstinence from carnal thought, devout and pure of
Spirit; free from Sin.
I dare not boast my Vertues, Sir; Is there no way to try my Purity?
Are you very secret.
'Tis my first Principle, Sir—
And one, the most material in our
Please, you to make a Tryal.
As how, Sir, I beseech you?—
If you be throwly purg'd from Vice, the opticles of your sight will
be so illuminated, that glancing through this Telescope, you
may behold one of these lovely Creatures, that people the vast Region
of the Air.
Sir, you oblige profoundly.
Kneel then, and try your strength of Vertue, Sir. —Keep your Eye
fix't and open.
[He looks in the
[While he is looking,
Charmante goes to the Door to Scaramouch, who waited on purpose
without, and takes a Glass with a Picture of a Nymph on it, and a
light behind it; that as he brings it, it shows to the Audience. Goes
to the end of the Telescope.
—Can you discern, Sir?
Methinks I see a kind of Glorious Cloud drawn up—and now—'tis
Saw you no fuger?
Then make a short Prayer to
Alikin, the Spirit of the East;
shake off all Earthly thoughts, and look again.
[He prays. Charmante
puts the Glass into the Mouth of the Telescope.
—Astonisht, Ravisht with delight, I see a Beauty young and Angel
like, leaning upon a Cloud—
Seems she on a Bed, then she's reposing, and you must not gaze—
Now a Cloud Veils her from me.
She saw you peeping then, and drew the Curtain of the Air between.
I am all Rapture, Sir, at this rare Vision—is't possible, Sir,
that I may ever hope the Conversation of so Divine a Beauty?
Most possible, Sir; they will Court you, their whole delight is to
Immortallize—Alexander was begot by a Salamander, that
visited his Mother in the form of a Serpent, because he wou'd not make
King Philip Jealous, and that famous Philosopher Merlin,
was begotten on a Vestal Nun, a certain Kings Daughter, by a
most beautiful young Salamander; as indeed all the Heroes
, and men of mighty minds are.
The Nymph Egeria inamour'd on
Nama Pompitius, came to
him invisible to all Eyes else, and gave him all his Wisdom and
Philosophy. Zoriastes, Trismegistus, Apuleius, Aquinius,
Albertus Magnus, Socrates and Virgil had their Zilphid,
which foolish people call'd their Dæmon or Devil. But you are wise,
But do you imagine Sir, they will fall in Love with an old Mortal?
They love not like the Vulgar, 'tis the Immortal Part they doat
But Sir, I have a Neece and Daughter which I love equally, were it
not possible they might be Immortalliz'd?
No doubt on't Sir, if they be Pure and Chast.
I think they are, and I'll take care to keep 'em so; for I confess
Sir, I wou'd fain have a Hero to my Grandson.
You never saw the Emperor of the Moon, Sir, the mighty
Never Sir; his Court I have, but 'twas confusedly too.
Refine your Thoughts Sir, by a moments Pray, and try again.
[He prays. Char. claps
the Glass with the Emperour on it, he looks in and sees it.
It is too much, too much for mortal Eyes! I see a Monarch seated on
a Throne—But seems most sad and pensive.
Forbear then Sir, for now his Love-Fit's on, and then he wou'd be
His Love-Fit, Sir!
Ay Sir, the Emperor's in Love with some fair Mortal.
And can he not command her?
Yes, but her Quality being too mean, he struggles, tho' a King
'twixt Love and Honour.
It were too much to know the Mortal, Sir?
'Tis yet unknown, Sir, to the Caballists, who now are using all
their Arts to find her, and serve his Majesty; but now my great Affair
deprives me of you: To morrow Sir, I'll wait on you again; and now
I've try'd your Vertue, tell you Wonders.
I humbly kiss your Hands, most Learned Sir.
[Charmante goes out.
Doctor waits on him to the Door, and returns, to him Scaramouch. All
this while Harlequin was hid in the Hedges, peeping now and then, and
when his Master went out he was left behind.
So, so, Don Charmante has plaid his Part most exquisitely;
I'll in and see how it works in his Pericranium. —Did you call Sir?
Scaramouch, I have, for thy singular Wit and Honesty, always
had a Tenderness for thee above that of a Master to a Servant.
I must confess it, Sir.
Thou hast Vertue and Merit that deserves much.
Oh Lord, Sir!
And I may make thee great,—all I require, is, that thou wilt
double thy diligent Care of my Daughter and my Neece, for there are
mighty things design'd for them, if we can keep 'em from the sight of
The sight of Man, Sir!
Ay, and the very Thoughts of Man.
What Antidote is there to be given to a young Wench, against the
Disease of Love and Longing?
Do you your Part, and because I know thee Discreet and very Secret,
I will hereafter discover Wonders to thee.—On pain of Life, look to
the Girls; that's your Charge.
Doubt me not, Sir, and I hope your Reverence will reward my
faithful Service with Mopsophil, your Daughters Governante, who
is Rich, and has long had my Affection, Sir.
Set not thy Heart on Transitories mortal, there's Letter things in
store—besides, I have promis'd her to a Farmer for his Son.—Come
in with me, and bring the Telescope.
[Ex. Doctor and
[Harlequin comes out on
Mopsophil to marry a Farmers Son! What, am I
then forsaken, abandon'd by the false fain One? —If I have Honour, I
must die with Rage; Reproaching gently, and complaining madly. —It
is resolv'd, I'll hang my self—No,—When did I ever hear of a Hero
that hang'd himself? no—'tis the Death of Rogues. What If I drown my
self?— No,—Useless Dogs and Puppies are drown'd; a Pistol or a
Caper on my own Sword wou'd look more nobly, but that I have a natural
Aversion to Pain. Besides, it is as Vulgar as Rats-bane, or the
sliceing of the Weasand. No, I'll die a Death uncommon, and leave
behind me an eternal Fame. I have somewhere read an Author, either
Antient or Modern, of a Man that laugh'd to death.—I am very
Ticklish, and am resolv'd—to dye that Death. —Oh Mopsophil,
my cruel Mopsophil!
[Pulls off his Hat,
Sword and Shooes.
—And now, farewel the World, fond Love, and mortal Cares.
[He falls to tickle
himself, his Head, his Ears, his Arm-pits, Hands, Sides, and Soles of
his Feet; making ridiculous Cries and Noises of Laughing several
ways, with Antick Leaps and Skips, at last falls down as dead.
Harlequin was left in the Garden, I'll tell him the News of
[Going forward, tumbles
Ha, whats here? Harlequin Dead!—
[Heaving him up, he
flies into a Rage.
Who is't that thus wou'd rob me of my Honour?
Honour, why I thought thou'dst been dead.
Why so I was, and the most agreeably dead.—
I came to bemoan with thee, the mutual loss of our Mistriss.
I know it Sir, I know it, and that thou'rt as false as she: Was't
not a Covenant between us, that neither shou'd take advantage of the
other, but both shou'd have fair Play, and yet you basely went to
undermine me, and ask her of the Doctor; but since she's gone, I scorn
to quarrel for her—But let's like loving Brothers, hand in hand,
leap from some Precipice into the Sea.
What, and spoil all my Cloths? I thank you for that; no, I have a
newer way: you know I lodge four pair of Stairs high, let's ascend
thither, and after saying our Prayers.—
—Prayers! I never heard of a dying Hero that ever pray'd.
Well, I'll not stand with you for a Trifle— Being come up, I'll
open the Casement, take you by the Heels, and fling you out into the
Street,—after which, you have no more to do, but to come up and
throw me down in my turn.
The Atchievment's great and new; but now I think on't, I'm resolv'd
to hear my Sentence from the Mouth of the perfidious Trollop, for yet
I cannot credit it.
I'll to the Gypsie, tho' I venture banging,
To be undeceiv'd, 'tis hardly worth the hanging.
The Chamber of Bellemante.
Enter Scaramouch groping.
So, I have got rid of my Rival, and shall here get an
Opportunity to speak with Mopsophil, for hither she must come
anon, to lay the young Ladies Night-things in order; I'll hide my self
in some Corner till she come.
[Goes on to the further
side of the Stage.
Enter Harlequin groping.
So, I made my Rival believe I was gone, and hid my self, till I got
this Opportunity to steal to Mopsophil's Apartment, which must
be hereabouts, for from these Windows she us'd to entertain my Love.
Ha, I hear a soft Tread,—if it were
Mopsophil's, she wou'd
not come by Dark.
[Har. advancing runs
against a Table, and almost strikes himself backwards.
What was that?—a Table,—There I may obscure my self.—
[Groping for the Table.
—What a Devil, is it vanish'd?
Devil,—Vanish'd,—What can this mean? 'Tis a Mans Voice.—If it
shou'd be my Master the Doctor, now I were a dead Man;—he can't see
me,— and I'll put my self into such a Posture, that if he feel me,
he shall as soon take me for a Church Spout as a Man.
[He puts himself into a
Posture ridiculous, his Arms a-kimbo, his Knees wide open, his
Back-side almost touching the Ground, his Mouth stretched wide, and
his Eyes stairing. Harl. groping, thrusts his Hand into his Mouth, he
bites him, the other dares not cry out.
Ha, what's this? all Mouth, with twenty Rows of Teeth.—Now dare
not I cry out, least the Doctor shou'd come, find me here, and kill
me.—I'll try if it be mortal.—
[Making damnable Faces
and Signs of Pain, he draws a Dagger. Scar. feels the Point of it,
and shrinks back, letting go his Hand.
Who the Devil can this be? I felt a Poniard, and am glad I sav'd my
Skin from pinking.
about, finds the Table, on which there is a Carpet, and creeps under
Enter Bellemante, with a Candle in one Hand, and a
Book in the other.
I am in a Belle Humor for Poetry to Night,— I'll make some
Boremes on Love.
[She Writes and Studies.
Out of a great Curiosity,—A Shepherd did demand of me.
—No, no,—A Shepherd this implor'd of me.—
[Scratches out, and
Writes a new.
Ay, ay, so it shall go.—Tell me, said he,—
Resign?—Resign, ay,—what shall Rhime to Resign?—Tell me,
[She lays down the
Tablets, and walks about.
[Harlequin, peeps from
under the Table, takes the Book, writes in it, and lays it up before
she can turn.
[Reads.] Ay, Ay,—So it shall be,—Tell me,
said he, my Bellemante;—Will you be kind to your
[Reads those two Lines,
and is amaz'd.
—Ha,—Heav'ns! What's this? I am amaz'd! —And yet I'll
venture once more.—[Writes and studies. [Writes.]—
I blush'd, and veil'd my wishing Eyes.
[Lays down the Book,
and walks as before.
[Har. Writes as before.
[Har. writes.]—And answer'd only with my Sighs.
[She turns and takes
—Ha,—What is this? Witchcraft or some Divinity of Love? some
Cupid sure invisible.— Once more I'll try the Charm.—
[Bell. writes.]—Cou'd I a better way my Love impart?
[Studies and walks.
[He writes as before.
[Har. wri.]—And without speaking, tell him all my
—'Tis here again, but where's the Hand that writ it?
—The little Deity that will be seen
But only in his Miracles. It cannot be a Devil,
For here's no Sin nor Mischief in all this.
Enter Charmante. She hides the Tablet, he steps to
her, and snatches it from her and Reads.
Out of a great Curiosity,
A shepherd this implor'd of me.
Tell me, said he, my Bellemante.
Will you be kind to your Charmante?
I blush'd, and veil'd my wishing Eyes,
And answer'd only with my Sighs.
Cou'd I a better way my Love impart?
And without speaking, tell him all my Heart.
Whose is this different Character?
'Tis yours for ought I know.
Away, my Name was put here for a blind. What Rhiming Fop have you
been clubbing Wit withal?
Ah, mon Dieu!—Charmante Jealous!
Have I not cause?—Who writ these Boremes?
Some kind assisting Deity, for ought I know.
Some kind assisting Coxcomb, that I know, The Ink's yet wet, the
Spark is near I find.—
Ah, Maluruse! How was I mistaken in this Man?
Mistaken! What, did you take me for, an easie Fool to be impos'd
upon?—One that wou'd be cuckolded by every feather'd Fool; that you
shou'd call a—Beau un Gallant Huome. 'sdeath! Who wou'd
doat upon a fond She-Fop?—A vain conceited Amorous Cocquett.
[Goes out, she pulls
Enter Scaramouch, running.
Oh Madam! hide your Lover, or we are all undone.
I will not hide, till I know the thing that made the Verses.
[The Doctor calling as
on the Stairs.
She's coming Sir.—Where, where shall I hide him?—Oh, the
[Thrusts him into the
Closet by force.
Oh Neece! Ill Luck, Ill Luck, I must leave you to night; my Brother
the Advocate is sick, and has sent for me; 'tis three long Leagues,
and dark as 'tis, I must go.—They say he's dying. [Pulls out his;
Keys one falls down. Here, take my Keys, and go into my Study,
and look over all my Papers, and bring me all those Mark'd with a
Cross and Figure of Three, they concern my Brother and I.
[She looks on
Scaramouch, and makes pitiful Signs, and goes out.
—Come Scaramouch, and get me ready for my Journey, and
on your Life, let not a Door be open'd till my Return.
Enter Mopsophil. Har. peeps from under the Table.
Ha! Mopsophil, and alone!
Well, 'tis a delicious thing to be Rich; what a World of Lovers it
invites: I have one for every Hand, and the Favorite for my Lips.
Ay, him wou'd I be glad to know.
But of all my Lovers, I am for the Farmers Son, because he keeps a
Calash—and I'll swear a Coach is the most agreeable thing about a
Ah me,—What's that?
[He answers in a
The Ghost of a poor Lover, dwindl'd into a Hey-ho.
[He rises from under
the Table and falls at her Feet. Scaramouch enters. She runs off
Ha, my Rival and my Mistriss!— Is this done like a Man of Honour,
Monsieur Harlequin, To take Advantages to injure me?
All Advantages are lawful in Love and War.
'Twas contrary to our League and Covenant; therefore I defy thee as
I scorn to fight with thee, because I once call'd thee Brother.
Then thou'rt a Paltroon; that's to say, a Coward.
Coward, nay, then I am provok'd, come on—
Pardon me, Sir, I gave the Coward, and you ought to strike.
[They go to fight
ridiculously, and ever as Scaramouch passes, Harlequin leaps aside,
and skips so nimbly about, he cannot touch him for his Life; which
after a while endeavouring in vain, he lays down his Sword.
—If you be for dancing, Sir, I have my Weapons for all
[Scar. pulls out a
Fleut Deux, and falls to Playing. Har. throws down his, and falls a
Dancing; after the Dance, they shake Hands.
He my Bone Ame—Is not this better than Duelling?
But not altogether so Heroick, Sir. Well, for the future, let us
have fair Play; no Tricks to undermine each other, but which of us is
chosen to be the happy Man, the other shall be content.
Cousin Bellemante, Cousin.
'Slife, let's be gone, lest we be seen in the Ladies Apartment.
[Scar. slips Harlequin
behind the Door.
How now, how came you here?—
[Signs to Har. to go
I came to tell you, Madam, my Master's just taking Mule to go his
Journey to Night, and that Don Cinthio is in the Street, for a
lucky moment to enter in.
But what if any one by my Fathers Order, or he himself, shou'd by
some chance surprise us?
If we be, I have taken order against a Discovery. I'll go see if
the old Gentleman be gone, and return with your Lover.
I tremble, but know not whether 'tis with Fear or Joy.
My dear Elaria—
[Runs to imbrace her,
she starts from him.
—Ha,—shun my Arms, Elaria!
Heavens! Why did you come so soon?
Is it too soon, when ere 'tis safe,
I die with fear—Met you not
Scaramouch? He went to bid you
wait a while; What shall I do?
Why this Concern? none of the House has seen me. I saw your Father
Sure you mistake, methinks I hear his Voice.
—My Key—The Key of my Laboratory.— Why, Knave
, where are you?—
Do you hear that, Sir?—Oh, I'm undone! Where shall I hide
[She searches where to
—Ha,—my Cousins Closet's open,—step in a little.—
[He goes in, she puts
out the Candle. Enter the Doctor. She gets round the Chamber to the
Door, and as he advances in, she steals out.
Here I must have dropt it; a Light, a Light— there—
Enter Cinthio from the Closet, pulls Charmante out
they not knowing each other.
Oh this perfidious Woman! no marvel she was so surpris'd and angry
at my Approach to Night.—
Who can this be?—but I'll be prepar'd—
[Lays his Hand on his
Why Scaramouch, Knave, a Light!
[Turns to the Door to
Enter Scaramouch with a Light, and seeing the two
Lovers there, runs against his Master, puts out the Candle, and
flings him down, and falls over him. At the entrance of the Candle,
Charmante slipt from Cinthio into the Closet. Cinthio gropes to find
him; when Mopsophil and Elaria, hearing a great Noise, enter with a
Light. Cinthio finding he was discover'd, falls to acting a Mad Man.
Scaramouch helps up the Doctor, and bows.
—Ha,—a Man,—and in my House,— Oh dire Misfortune!—Who are
Men call me Gog Magog, the Spirit of Power;
My Right-hand Riches holds; my Left-hand Honour.
Is there a City Wife wou'd be a Lady?—Bring her to me,
Her easie Cuckold shall be dub'd a Knight.
Oh Heavens! a mad-Man, Sir.
Is there a Tawdry Fop wou'd have a Title?
A rich Mechanick that wou'd be an Alderman?
Bring 'em to me,
And I'll convert that Coxcomb, and that Block-head, into, Your
Honour, and Right Worshipful.
Mad, stark mad! Why Sirrah, Rogue—Scaramouch —How got
this mad Man in?
[While the Doctor
turns to Scaramouch, Cinthio speaks softly to Elaria.
Oh, thou perfidious Maid! Who hast thou hid in yonder conscious
[Aside to her.
Why Sir, he was brought in a Chair for your Advice, but how he
rambl'd from the Parlour to this Chamber, I know not.
Upon a winged Horse, Icliped
Swift as the fiery Racers of the Sun,
—I fly—I fly—
See how I mount, and cut the liquid Sky.
Alas poor Gentleman, he's past all Cure—But Sirrah, for the
future, take you care that no young mad Patients be brought into my
I shall Sir,—and see—here's your Key you look'd for.—
That's well; I must be gone—Bar up the Doors, and upon Life or
Death let no man enter.
[Exit Doctor, and all
with him, with the Light.
out—and by degrees comes all out, listing every step.
Who the Devil cou'd that be that pull'd me from the Closet? but at
last I'm free, and the Doctors gone; I'll to Cinthio, and bring
him to pass this Night with our Mistrisses.
As he is gone off, enter Cinthio groping.
Now for this lucky Rival, if his Stars will make this last part of
his Adventure such. I hid my self in the next Chamber, till I heard
the Doctor go, only to return to be reveng'd.
[He gropes his way into
the Closet, with his Sword drawn.
Enter Elaria with a Light.
Scaramouch tells me
Charmante is conceal'd in the
Closet, whom Cinthio surely has mistaken for some Lover of
mine, and is jealous; but I'll send Charmante after him, to
make my peace and undeceive him.
[Goes to the Door.
—Sir, Sir, Where are you? they are all gone, you may adventure
[Cinthio comes out.
Yes Madam, to your shame—
Now your Perfidiousness is plain—False Woman,
'Tis well your Lover had the Dexterity of escaping, I'd spoil'd his
making Love else.
[Gets from her, she
Prethee hear me.
—But since my Ignorance of his Person saves his Life, live and
possess him, till I can discover him.
The End of the first Act.
Go peevish Fool—
Whose Jealousie believes me given to Change,
Let thy own Torments be my just Revenge.
An Antick Dance.
After the Musick has plaid. Enter Elaria to her
Heavens Bellemante! Where have you been?
Fatigu'd with the most disagreeable Affair, for a Person of my
Humour, in the World. Oh, how I hate Business, which I do no more
mind, than a Spark does the Sermon, who is ogling his Mistriss at
Church all the while: I have been ruffling over twenty Reams of Paper
for my Uncles Writings.—
So, so, the Old Gentleman is departed this wicked World, and the
House is our own for this Night.— Where are the Sparks? Where are
Nay, Heaven knows.
How! I hope not so; I left
Charmante confin'd to my Closet,
when my Uncle had like to have surpriz'd us together: Is he not
No, he's escap'd, but he has made sweet doings.
Heavens Cousin! What?
My Father was coming into the Chamber, and had like to have taken
Cinthio with me, when, to conceal him, I put him into your Closet,
not knowing of Charmante's being there, and which, in the Dark,
he took for a Gallant of mine; had not my Fathers Presence hinder'd,
I believe there had been Murder committed; how ever, they both
Pshaw, is this all? Lovers Quarrels are soon adjusted; I'll to 'em,
unfold the Riddle, and bring 'em back— take no care, but go in and
dress you for the Ball; Mopsophil has Habits which your Lovers
sent to put on: the Fidles Treat, and all are prepar'd.—
Madam, your Cousin
Florinda, with a Lady, are come to visit
I'm glad on't, 'tis a good Wench, and we'll trust her with our
Mirth and Secret.
[They go out.
To the Street.
Enter Page with a Flambeaux, follow'd by Cinthio;
passes over the Stage. Scaramouch follows Cinthio in a Campaign Coat.
'Tis Cinthio—Don Cinthio—
[Calls, he turns.
—Well, whats the Quarrel?—How fell ye out?
You may inform your self I believe, for these close Intrigues
cannot be carried on without your Knowledge.
What Intrigues Sir? be quick, for I'm in hast.
Who was the Lover I surpris'd i'th' Closet?
Deceptio visus, Sir; the Error of the Eyes.
Thou Dog,—I felt him too; but since the Rascal scaped me—I'll
be Reveng'd on thee—
[Goes to beat him, he
running away, runs against Harlequin, who is entering with Charmante,
and like to have thrown 'em both down.
Ha,—What's the matter here?—
[Then he struts
couragiously in with 'em.
What, Cinthio in a Rage!
Who's the unlucky Object?
All Man and Woman Kind:
Elaria false! take heed, sure her nice Vertue is
Proof against the Vices of her Sex.
She who by Nature's light and wavering.
The Town contains not such a false Impertinent.
This Evening I surpris'd her in her Chamber
Writing of Verses, and between her Lines,
Some Spark had newly pen'd his proper Stuff.
Curse of the Jilt, I'll be her Fool no more.
I doubt you are mistaken in that, Sir, for 'twas
I was the Spark that writ the proper Stuff.
To do you Service—
Ay, we that spend our Lives and Fortunes here to serve you,—to be
us'd like Pimps and Scowndrels.— Come Sir,—satisfie him who 'twas
was hid i'th Closet, when he came in and found you.
Ha,—is't possible? Was it
Was it you,
Cinthio? Pox on't, what Fools are we, we cou'd
not know one another by Instinct?
Well, well, dispute no more this clear Case, but lets hasten to
I'm asham'd to appear before
And I to Bellemante.
Come, come, take Heart of Grace; pull your Hats down over your
Eyes; put your Arms across; sigh and look scurvily; your simple Looks
are ever a Token of Repentance; come—come along.
SCENE changes to the Inside of the House.
The Front of the Scene is only a Curtain or
Hangings to be drawn up at Pleasure.
Enter Elaria, Bellemante Mopsophil, and Ladies,
dress'd in Masking Habits.
I am extreamly pleas'd with these Habits, Cousin.
They are A la Gothic and
Your Lovers have a very good Fancy, Cousin, I long to see 'em.
And so do I. I wonder
Scaramouch stays so, and what Success
you have no cause to doubt, you can so easily acquit your self; but
I, what shall I do? who can no more imagine who shou'd write those
Boremes, than who I shall love next, if I break off with Charmante
If he be a Man of Honour, Cousin, when a Maid protests her
Ay, but he's a Man of Wit too, Cousin, and knows when Women protest
most, they likely lye most.
Most commonly, for Truth needs no asseveration.
That's according to the Disposition of your Lover, for some believe
you most, when you most abuse and cheat 'em; some are so obstinate,
they wou'd damn a Woman with protesting, before she can convince 'em.
Such a one is not worth convincing, I wou'd not make the World wise
at the expence of a Vertue.
Nay, he shall e'en remain as Heaven made him for me, since there
are Men enough for all uses.
Enter Charmante and Cinthio, dress'd in their
Gothic Habits. Scaramouch, Harlequin and Musick. Charmante and
Can you forgive us?
[Elaria takes him up.
That, Cinthio, you're convinc'd, I do not wonder; but how
Charmante's Goodness is inspir'd, I know not.
[Takes him up.
Let it suffice, I'me satisfy'd, my
Pray' know my Cousin
[They salute the Lady.
Come, let us not lose time, since we are all Friends.
The best use we can make of it, is to talk of Love.
Oh! we shall have time enough for that hereafter; besides, you may
make Love in Dancing as well as in Sitting; you may Gaze, Sigh,—and
press the Hand, and now and then receive a Kiss, what wou'd you more?
Yes, wish a little more.
We were unreasonable to forbid you that cold Joy, nor shall you
wish long in vain, if you bring Matters so about, to get us with my
Our Fortunes depending solely on his Pleasure, which is too
considerable to lose.
All things are order'd as I have written you at large; our Scenes
and all our Properties are ready; we have no more to do but to banter
the old Gentleman into a little more Faith, which the next Visit of
our new Caballist Charmante will compleat.
[The Musick plays.
Enter some Anticks and dance. They all sit the
Your Dancers have perform'd well, but 'twere fit we knew who we
have trusted with this Evenings Intrigue.
Those, Madam, who are to assist us in carrying on a greater
Intrigue, the gaining of you. They are our Kinsmen.
Then they are doubly-welcome.
[Here is a Song in
Dialogue, with Fleut Deux and Harpsicals. Shepherd and Sheperdess;
which ended they all dance a Figure Dance.
Hark, what Noise is that? sure 'tis in the next Room.
[Scar. runs to the
Door and holds it fast.
Ha,—the Devil in the likeness of my old Masters Voice, for 'tis
impossible it shou'd be he himself.
If it be he, how got he in? did you not secure the Doors?
He always has a Key to open 'em. Oh! what shall we do? there's no
escaping him; he's in the next Room, through which you are to pass.
Scaramouch, Knave, where are you?
'Tis he, 'tis he, follow me all—
[He goes with all the
Company behind the Front Curtain.
I tell you Sirrah, I heard the Noise of Fiddles.
No surely Sir, 'twas a Mistake.
[Knocking at the Door.
plac'd them all in the Hanging, in which they make the Figures, where
they stand without Motion in Postures. He comes out. He opens the
Dore with a Candle in his Hand.
Enter the Doctor and Peter with a Light.
Bless me, Sir! Is it you,—or your Ghost.
'Twere good for you, Sir, if I were a thing of Air; but as I am a
substantial Mortal, I will lay it on as substantially—
[Canes him. He cries.
What d'ye mean, Sir? what d'ye mean?
Sirrah, must I stand waiting your Leisure, while you are Rogueing
here? I will reward ye.
Ay, and I shall deserve it richly, Sir, when you know all.
I guess all, Sirrah, and I heard all, and you shall be rewarded for
all. Where have you hid the Fiddles, you Rogue?
Ay, Fiddles, Knave.
Here,—here I heard 'em, thou false Steward of thy Masters
Fiddles, Sir! Sure 'twas Wind got into your Head, and whistled in
your Ears, riding so late, Sir.
Ay, thou false Varlot, there's another Debt I owe thee, for
bringing me so damnable a Lye: My Brother's well—I met his Valet but
a League from Town, and found thy Rogury out.
[Beats him. He cries.
Is this the Reward I have for being so diligent since you went?
In what, thou Villain? in what?
[The Curtain is drawn
up, and discovers the Hangings where all of them stand.
Why look you, Sir, I have, to surprise you with Pleasure, against
you came home, been putting up this Piece of Tapestry, the best in Italy, for the Rareness of the Figures, Sir.
Ha—Hum—It is indeed a stately Piece of Work; how came I by 'em?
'Twas sent your Reverence from the
Vertuoso, or some of the
I must confess, the Workmanship is excellent,— but still I do
insist I heard the Musick.
'Twas then the tuning of the Spheres, some serinade, Sir, from the
Inhabitants of the Moon.
Hum,—from the Moon,—and that may be—
Lord, d'ye think I wou'd deceive your Reverence?
From the Moon, a Serinade,—I see no signs on't here, indeed it
must be so—I'll think on't more at leisure.—
—Prithee what Story's this?
[Looks on the Hangings.
Hold up the Candles higher, and nearer.
[Peter and Scaramouch
hold Candles near. He takes a Perspective and looks through it; and
coming nearer, Harlequin, who is plac'd on a Tree in the Hangings,
hits him on the Head with his Trunchion. He starts, and looks about.
He sits still.
What was that struck me?
Struck you, Sir! Imagination.
Can my Imagination feel, Sirrah?
Oh, the most tenderly of any part about one, Sir!
Hum—That may be—
Are you a great Philosopher, and know not that, Sir?
This Fellow has a glimpse of Profundity—
[Aside. Looks again.
—I like the Figures well.
You will, when you See 'em by Day-light, Sir.
[Har. hits him again.
The Doctor sees him.
Ha,—Is that Imagination too—Betray'd, betray'd, undone; run for
my Pistols, call up my Servants Peter, a Plot upon my Daughter
and my Neece.
[Runs out with Peter.
[Scaramouch puts out
the Candle, they come out of the Hanging, which is drawn away. He
places 'em in a Row just at the Entrance.
Here, here, fear nothing, hold by each other, that when I go out,
all may go; that is, slip out, when you hear the Doctor is come in
again, which he will certainly do, and all depart to your respective
And leave thee to bear the Brunt?
Take you no care for that, I'll put it into my Bill of Charges, and
be paid all together.
Enter the Doctor with Pistols, and Peter.
What, by dark? that shall not save you, Villains, Traytors to my
Glory and Repose.—Peter, hold fast the Door, let none escape.
[They all slip out.
I'll warrant you, Sir.
[Doctor gropes about,
then stamps and calls.
Lights there—Lights—I'm sure they cou'd not scape.
Enter Scaramouch undress'd in his Shirt, with a
Bless me!—what's here?
Ha,—Who art thou?
[Amaz'd to see him
I, who the Devil are you, and you go to that.
[Rubs his Eyes, and
brings the Candle nearer. Looks on him.
—Mercy upon us!—Why what is't you, Sir, return'd so soon?
[Looking sometimes on
him, sometimes about.
Ay Sir, Did you not go out of Town last night, to your Brother the
Thou Villain, thou question'st me, as if thou knew'st not that I
I know, Sir! how shou'd I know? I'm sure I am but just wak'd from
the sweetest Dream—
You dream still, Sirrah, but I shall wake your Rogueship.—Were
you not here but now, shewing me a piece of Tapestry, you Villain?—
[Mopsophil listning all
Yes Rogue, yes, for which I'll have thy Life—
[Offering a Pistol.
Are you stark mad, Sir? or do I dream still?
Tell me, and tell me quickly, Rogue, who were those Traytors that
were hid but now in the Disguise of a piece of Hangings.
[Holds the Pistol to
Bless me! you amaze me, Sir. What conformity has every Word you
say, to my rare Dream: Pray let me feel you, Sir,—Are you Humane?
You shall feel I am, Sirrah, if thou confess not.
Confess, Sir! What shou'd I confess?—I understand not your
Caballistical Language; but in mine, I confess that you have wak'd me
from the rarest Dream— Where methought the Emperor of the Moon World
was in our House, Dancing and Revelling; and methoughts his Grace was
fallen desperately in Love with Mistriss Elaria, and that his
Brother, the Prince, Sir, of Thunderland, was also in Love with
Mistriss Bellemante; and methoughts they descended to court 'em
in your Absence.—And that at last you surpris'd 'em, and that they
transform'd themselves into a Suit of Hangings to deceive you. But at
last, methought you grew angry at something, and they all sled to
Heaven again; and after a deal of Thunder and Lightning, I wak'd, Sir,
and hearing Humane Voices here, came to see what the Matter was.
[This while the Doctor
lessens his signs of Rage by degrees, and at last stands in deep
May I credit this?
Credit it! By all the Honour of your House, by my unseparable
Veneration for the Mathematicks, 'tis true, Sir.
Rosacrusian, who yesterday visited me, told
me—the Emperor of the Moon was in Love with a fair Mortal—This
Dream is Inspiration in this Fellow—He must have wonderous Vertue
in him, to be worthy of these Divine Intelligences.
—But if that Mortal shou'd be
Elaria! but no more, I
dare not yet suppose it—perhaps the thing was real and no Dream, for
oftentimes the grosser part is hurried away in Sleep, by the force of
Imagination, and is wonderfully agitated—This Fellow might be
present in his Sleep,—of this we've frequent Instances—I'll to my
Daughter and my Neece, and hear what knowledge they may have of this.
Will you so? I'll secure you, the Frolick shall go round.
Scaramouch, If you have not deceiv'd me in this Matter, time
will convince me farther; if it rest here, I shall believe you false—
Good Sir, suspend your Judgment and your Anger then.
I'll do't, go back to Bed—
[Ex. Doctor and Peter.
No, Sir, 'tis Morning now—and I'm up for all day. —This Madness
is a pretty sort of a pleasant Disease, when it tickles but in one
Vein—Why here's my Master now, as great a Scholar, as grave and wise
a Man, in all Argument and Discourse, as can be met with, yet name
but the Moon, and he runs into Ridicule, and grows as mad as the Wind.
Well Doctor, if thou can'st be madder yet,
We'll find a Medicine that shall cure your Fit.
—Better than all
SCENE Draws off. Discovers Elaria, Bellemante, and
Mopsophil in Night-Gowns.
You have your Lessons, stand to it bravely, and the Towns our own,
[They put themselves in
Postures of Sleeping, leaning on the Table, Mopsophil lying at their
Enter Doctor, softly.
Ha, not in Bed! this gives me mortal Fears.
[She speaks as in her
[Goes nearer and
How little Faith I give to all your Courtship, who leaves our Orb
[In a feign'd Voice.
Ha, said she Orb?
But since you are of a Coelestial Race,
And easily can penetrate
Into the utmost limits of the Thought,
Why shou'd I fear to tell you of your Conquest?
—And thus implore your Aid.
[Rises and runs to the
Doctor. Kneels, and holds him fast. He shews signs of Joy.
I am Ravish'd!
Ah, Prince Divine, take Pity on a Mortal—
I am rapt!
And take me with you to the World above.
The Moon, the Moon she means, I am Transported, Over-joy'd, and
[Leaping and jumping
from her Hands, she seems to wake.
Ha, my Uncle come again to interrupt us!
Hide nothing from me, my dear
Bellemante, since all already
is discover'd to me—and more.—
Oh, why have you wak'd me from the softest Dream that ever Maid was
What—what my best
Methought I entertain'd a Demi-God, one of the gay Inhabitants of
I'm sure mine was no Dream—I wak'd, I heard, I saw, I spoke—and
danc'd to the Musick of the Spheres, and methought my glorious Lover
ty'd a Diamond Chain about my Arm—and see 'tis all substantial.
[Shows her Arm.
And mine a Ring, of more than mortal Lustre.
Heaven keep me moderate! least excess of Joy shou'd make my Vertue
[Stifling his Joy.
—There is a wonderous Mystery in this.
A mighty Blessing does attend your Fates.
Go in, and pray to the chast Powers above
To give you Vertue fit for such Rewards.
[They go in.
—How this agrees with what the learned Caballist inform'd me of
last Night! He said, that great Iredonozor, the Emperor of the
Moon, was inamour'd on a fair Mortal. It must be so—and either he
descended to Court my Daughter Personally, which, for the Rareness of
the Novelty, she takes to be a Dream; or else, what they and I beheld,
was Visionary, by way of a sublime Intelligence.—And possibly
—'tis only thus—the People of that World converse with
Mortals.—I must be satisfy'd in this main Point of deep Philosophy.
I'll to my Study,—for I cannot rest,
Till I this weighty Mystery have discuss'd.
[Ex. very gravely.
Enter Scaramouch with a Ladder.
Tho' I am come off
en Cavalier with my Master, I am
not with my Mistriss, whom I promised to console this Night, and is
but just I shou'd make good this Morning; 'twill be rude to surprize
her Sleeping, and more Gallant to wake her with a Serinade at her
[Sets the Ladder to her
Window, fetches his Lute, and goes up the Ladder.
He Plays and Sings this Song.
When Maidens are young and in their Spring
Of Pleasure, of Pleasure, let 'em take their full Swing, full
And Love, and Dance, and Play, and Sing.
For Silvia, believe it, when Youth is done,
There's nought but hum drum, hum drum, hum drum;
There's nought but hum drum, hum drum, hum drum.
Then Silvia be wise—be wise—be wise,
Tho' Painting and Dressing, for a while, are Supplies,
But when the Fire's going out in your Eyes,
It twinkles, it twinkles, it twinkles, and dies.
And then to hear Love, to hear Love from you,
I'd as live hear an Owl cry—Wit to woo,
Wit to woo, Wit to woo.
Enter Mopsophil above.
What woful Ditty-making Mortal's this?
That ere the Lark her early Note has sung,
Does doleful Love beneath my Casement thrum.—
Scaramouch, is it you?
Who shou'd it be, that takes such pains to sue?
Ah, Lover most true Blew.
Enter Harlequin in Womens Cloths.
If I can now but get admittance, I shall not only deliver the young
Ladies their Letters from their Lovers, but get some opportunity, in
this Disguise, to slip this Billet Deux into Mopsophil
's Hand, and bob my Comrade Scaramouch.—Ha,—What do I
see?—My Mistriss at the Window, courting my Rival! Ah Gypsie!—
—But we lose precious time, since you design me a kind Hour in
You'll be sure to keep it from
Ah yes, he, hang him Fool, he takes you for a Saint.
Harlequin!—Hang him, shotten Herring.
Ay, a Cully, a Noddy.
A meer Zany.
Ah, hard hearted Turk.
Fit for nothing but a Cuckold.
Monster of Ingratitude! How shall I be reveng'd?
[Scar. going over the
—Hold, hold, thou perjur'd Traytor.
[Cryes out in a Womans
Ha,—Discover'd!—A Woman in the Garden!
Come down, come down, thou false perfidious Wretch.
Who, in the Devils Name, art thou?
And to whom dost thou speak?
To thee, thou false Deceiver, that hast broke thy
Vows, thy Lawful Vows of Wedlock—
Oh, oh, that I shou'd live to see the Day!—
Who mean you, Woman?
Whom shou'd I mean, but thou—my lawful Spouse?
Oh Villain!—Lawful Spouse!—Let me come to her.
[Scar. comes down, as
Mopsophil flings out of the Balcony.
The Woman's mad—hark ye Jade—how long have you been thus
E're since I lov'd and trusted thee, false Varlot. —See
here,—the Witness of my Love and Shame.
[Bawls, and points to
Just then Mopsophil enters.
How! with Child!—Out Villain, was I made a Property?
Oh, thou Heathen Christian!—Was not one Woman enough?
Ay, Sirrah, answer to that.
I shall be sacrific'd.—
I am resolv'd to marry to morrow—either to the Apothecary or the
Farmer, men I never saw, to be reveng'd on thee, thou tarmagant
Enter the Doctor.
What Noise, what Out-cry, what Tumult's this?
Ha,—the Doctor!—What shall I do?—
[Gets to the Door,
Scar. pulls her in.
A Woman!—some Bawd I am sure— Woman, what's your Business
I came, an't like your Seigniorship, to Madam the Governante here,
to serve her in the Quality of a Fille de Chambre, to the
A Fille de Chambre! 'tis so, a she Pimp,—
[Makes his little
dapper Leg instead of a Curtsie.
How now, what do you mock me?
[Gets nearer the Door.
Stay, stay, Mistriss, and what Service are you able to do the
Is this Seignior Doctor
Oh! He's a very handsome Gentleman— indeed—
Ay, ay, what Service can you do, Mistriss?
Why Seignior, I can tye a Cravat the best of any Person in
, and I can comb a Periwig—and I can—
Very proper Service for young Ladies; you, I believe, have been
Fille de Chambre to some young Cavaliers.
Most true, Seignior, why shou'd not the Cavaliers keep
Chambre, as well as great Ladies Vallets de Chambre?
Indeed 'tis equally reasonable.—'Tis a Bawd.—
—But have you never serv'd Ladies?
Oh yes! I serv'd a Parsons Wife.
Is that a great Lady?
I surely, Sir, what is she else? for she wore her Mantoes of
Brokad de or, Petticoats lac'd up to the Gathers, her Points, her
Patches, Paints and Perfumes, and sate in the uppermost Place in the
But have you never serv'd Countesses and Dutchesses?
Oh, yes, Madam! the last I serv'd, was an Aldermans Wife in the
Was that a Countess or a Dutchess?
Ay, certainly—for they have all the Money and then for Cloths,
Jewels, and rich Furniture, and eating, they outdo the very Vice
Reigne her self.
This is a very ignorant running Bawd,—therefore first search her
for Bellets Deux, and then have her Pump'd.
[Scar. searches him,
[Reads the Outside,
pops 'em into his Bosom.
—These are from their Lovers— —Ha,—a Note to
,—Oh, Rogue! have I found you?—
If you have, 'tis but Trick for your Trick, Seignior
, and you may spare the Pumping.
For once, Sirrah, I'll bring you off, and deliver your
Letters.—Sir, do you not know who this is?— Why 'tis a Rival of
mine, who put on this Disguise to cheat me of Mistriss Mopsophil
.—See hear's a Billet to her.—
What is he?
A Mungrel Dancing-Master; therefore, Sir, since all the Injury's
mine, I'll pardon him for a Dance, and let the Agility of his Heels
save his Bones, with your Permission, Sir.
With all my Heart, and am glad he comes off so comically.
[A knocking at the
Gate. Scar. goes and returns.
Sir, Sir, here's the rare Philosopher who was here yesterday.
Give him Entrance, and all depart.
Blest be those Stars! that first conducted me to so much Worth and
Vertue, you are their Darling, Sir, for whom they wear their brightest
Lustre. Your Fortune is establish'd, you are made, Sir.
Let me contain my Joy—
[Keeping in an
—May I be worthy, Sir, to apprehend you?
After long Searching, Watching, Fasting, Praying, and using all the
vertuous means in Nature, whereby we solely do attain the highest
Knowledge in Philosophy; it was resolv'd, by strong Intelligence—you
were the happy Sire of that Bright Nymph, that had infascinated,
charm'd and conquer'd the mighty Emperor Iredonozor —the
Monarch of the Moon.
I am undone with Joy! ruin'd with Transport—
—Can it—can it, Sir,—be possible—
[Stifling his Joy,
which breaks out.
Receive the Blessing, Sir, with moderation.
I do, Sir, I do.
This very Night, by their great Art, they find
He will descend, and show himself in Glory.
An Honour, Sir, no Mortal has receiv'd
This Sixty hundred years.
Hum—Say you so, Sir? no Emperor ever descend this Sixty hundred
—Was I deceiv'd last night?
Oh! Yes, Sir, often in disguise, in several Shapes and Forms, which
did of old occasion so many Fabulous Tales of all the Shapes of Jupiter—but never in their proper Glory, Sir, as Emperors. This
is an Honour only design'd to you.
And will his Grace—be here in Person, Sir?
In Person—and with him, a Man of mighty Quality, Sir,—'tis
thought—the Prince of Thunderland —but that's but whisper'd,
Sir, in the Cabal, and that he loves your Neece.
Miraculous! how this agrees with all I've seen and heard—To
Night, say you, Sir?
So 'tis conjectur'd, Sir,—some of the Caballist —are of
opinion—that last night there was some Sally from the Moon.
About what hour, Sir?
The Meridian of the Night, Sir, about the hours of twelve or one,
but who descended, or in what Shape, is yet uncertain.
This I believe, Sir.
May I communicate a Secret of that Nature?
To any of the Caballist, but none else.
Then know—last night, my Daughter and my Neece were entertain'd
by those illustrious Heroes.
Who, Sir? the Emperor and Prince his Cousin.
Most certain, Sir. But whether they appear'd in solid Bodies, or
Fantomical, is yet a Question, for at my unlucky approach, they all
transform'd themselves into a Piece of Hangings.
'Tis frequent, Sir, their Shapes are numerous, and 'tis also in
their Power to transform all they touch, by vertue of a certain
Stone—they call the Ebula.
The same—by Vertue of which, all weight was taken from him, and
then with ease the lofty Traveller flew from Parnassus Hill,
and from Hymethus Mount, and high Gerania, and Acrocorinthus, thence to
Taygetus, so to
Top, from whence he had but one step to the Moon. Dizzy he grants he
No wonder, Sir, Oh happy great
Your Vertue, Sir, will render you as happy— but I must
hast—this Night prepare your Daughter and your Neece, and let your
House be Dress'd, Perfum'd, and Clean.
It shall be all perform'd, Sir.
Be modest, Sir, and humble in your Elevation, for nothing shews the
Wit so poor, as Wonder, nor Birth so mean, as Pride.
I humbly thank your Admonition, Sir, and shall, in all I can,
struggle with Humane Frailty.
[Brings Char. to the
Door bare. Exit.
Enter Scaramouch peeping at the other Door.
So, so, all things go gloriously forward, but my own Amour, and
there is no convincing this obstinate Woman, that 'twas that Rogue Harlequin in Disguise, that claim'd me; so that I cannot so much
as come to deliver the young Ladies their Letters from their Lovers. I
must get in with this damn'd Mistriss of mine, or all our Plot will
be spoil'd for want of Intelligence. —Hum,—The Devil does not use
to sail me at a dead Lift. I must deliver these Letters, and I must
have this Wench—tho' but to be reveng'd on her for abusing
me.—Let me see—she is resolv'd for the Apothecary or the Farmer.
Well, say no more honest Scaramouch, thou shalt find a Friend
at need of me— and if I do not fit you with a Spouse, say that a
Woman has out-witted me.
The End of the Second Act.
The Street, with the Town Gate, where an Officer
stands with a Staff like a London Constable.
Enter Harlequin riding in a Calash, comes through
the Gate towards the Stage, dress'd like a Gentleman sitting in it.
The Officer lays hold of his Horse.
Hold, hold, Sir, you, I suppose know the Customs that are
due to this City of Naples, from all Persons that pass the
Gates in Coach, Chariot, Calash, or Siege Voglant.
I am not ignorant of the Custom, Sir, but what's that to me?
Not to you, Sir! why, what Privilege have you above the rest?
Privilege, for what, Sir?
Why for passing, Sir, with any of the before named Carriages.
Ar't mad?—Dost not see I am a plain Baker, and this my Cart, that
comes to carry Bread for the Vice-Roy's, and the Cities Use?—ha—
Are you mad, Sir, to think I cannot see a Gentleman Farmer and a
Calash, from a Baker and a Cart?
Drunk by this Day—and so early too? Oh you're a special Officer;
unhand my Horse, Sirrah, or you shall pay for all the Damage you do me.
Hey day! here's a fine Cheat upon the Vice Roy; Sir, pay me, or
I'll seize your Horse.—
[Har. strikes him.
They scuffle a little.
—Nay, and you be so brisk, I'll call the Clerk from his Office.
Calls.—Mr. Clerk, Mr. Clerk.
[Goes to the Entrance
to call the Clerk, the mean time Har. whips a Frock over himself, and
puts down the bind part of the Chariot, and then 'tis a Cart.
What's the matter here?—
Here's a Fellow, Sir, will perswade me, his Calash is a Cart, and
refuses the Customs for passing the Gate.
A Calash—Where?—I see only a Carter and his Cart.
[The Officer looks on
Ha,—What a Devil, was I blind?
Mr. Clerk, I am a Baker, that come with Bread to sell, and this
Fellow here has stopt me this hour, and made me lose the Sale of my
Ware—and being Drunk, will out-face me I am a Farmer, and this Cart
He's in an Errour Friend, pass on—
No Sir, I'll have satisfaction first, or the Vice-Roy shall know
how he's serv'd by drunken Officers, that Nuisance to a Civil
What do you demand, Friend?
Demand,—I demand a Crown, Sir.
This is very hard—Mr. Clerk—If ever I saw in my Life, I thought
I saw a Gentleman and a Calash.
Come, come, gratifie him, and see better hereafter.
Here Sir,—If I must, I must—
[Gives him a Crown.
Pass on, Friend—
[Ex. Clerk. Har.
unseen, puts up the Back of his Calash, and whips off his Frock, and
goes to drive on. The Officer looks on him, and stops him again.
Hum, I'll swear it is a Calash—Mr. Clerk, Mr. Clerk, come back,
[Runs out to call him.
He changes as before.
Enter Officer and Clerk.
—Come Sir, let your own Eyes convince you, Sir.—
Convince me, of what, you Sott?
That this is a Gentleman, and that a—ha,—
[Looks about on Har.
Stark Drunk, Sirrah! if you trouble me at every Mistake of yours
thus, you shall quit your Office.—
I beg your Pardon, Sir, I am a little in Drink I confess, a little
Blind and Mad—Sir,—This must be the Devil, that's certain.
[The Clerk goes out,
Har. puts up his Calash again, and pulls off his Frock and drives out.
—Well, now to my thinking, 'tis as plain a Calash again, as
ever I saw in my Life, and yet I'm satisfy'd 'tis nothing but a Cart.
SCENE changes to the Doctors House.
Enter Scaramouch in a Chair, which set down and
open'd, on all sides, and on the top represents an Apothecaries Shop,
the Inside being painted with Shelves and Rows of Pots and Bottles;
Scaramouch sitting in it dress'd in Black, with a short black Cloak, a
Ruff, and little Hat.
The Devil's in't, if either the Doctor, my Master, or
Mopsophil, know me in this Disguise —And thus I may not only
gain my Mistriss, and out-wit Harlequin, but deliver the Ladies
those Letters from their Lovers, which I took out of his Pocket this
Morning, and who wou'd suspect an Apothecary for a Pimp.—Nor can the
Jade Mopsophil, in Honour, refuse a Person of my Gravity, and
so well set up.—
[Pointing to his Shop.
—Hum, the Doctor here first, this is not so well, but I'm
prepar'd with Impudence for all Encounters.
Enter the Doctor. Scaramouch Salutes him gravely.
—Most Reverend Doctor
I might, through great Pusillanimity, blush— to give you this
Anxiety. Did I not opine you were as Gracious as Communitive and
Eminent; and tho' you have no Cognisance of me, your Humble
Servant,— yet I have of you,—you being so greatly sam'd for your
admirable Skill, both in Gallenical and Paracelsian Phænomena's
, and other approv'd Felicities in Vulnerary Emeticks, and purgative
Seignior,—your Opinion honours me—a rare Man this.
And though I am at present busied in writing— those few
Observations I have accumulated in my Peregrinations, Sir, yet the
Ambition I aspir'd to, of being an Ocular and Aurial Witness of your
Singularity, made me trespass on your sublimer Affairs.
—Besides a violent Inclination, Sir, of being initiated into the
Denomination of your Learned Family, by the Conjugal Circumference of
a Matrimonial Tye, with that singularly accomplish'd Person—Madam,
the Governante of your Hostel.
Hum—A sweet-heart for
And if I may obtain your Condescension to my Hymenæal Propositions,
I doubt not my Operation with the Fair One.
Seignior, she is much honour'd in the Overture, and my Abilities
shall not be wanting to fix the Concord. —But have you been a
Without Circumlocutions, Sir, I have seen all the Regions beneath
the Sun and Moon.
Moon, Sir! You never travell'd thither, Sir?
Not in Propria Persona, Seignior, but by speculation, I
have, and made most considerable Remarques on that incomparable Terra Firma, of which I have the compleatest Map in
Christendom—and which Gonzales himself omitted in his Cosmographia of the
A Map of the
Lunar Mundus, Sir! May I crave the Honour of
You shall, Sir, together with a Map of
Terra Incognita, a
great Rarety, indeed, Sir.
Jewels, Sir, worth a Kings Ransome.
Ha,—What Figure of a Thing have we here—Bantering my Credulous
Uncle?—This must be some Scout sent from our Forlorn Hope, to
discover the Enemy, and bring in fresh Intelligence.—Hum,— That
Wink tipt me some Tidings, and she deserves not a good Look, who
understands not the Language of the Eyes.—Sir, Dinner's on the Table.
Let it wait, I am imploy'd—
[She creeps to the
other side of Scaramouch, who makes Signs with his Hand to her.
Ha,—'tis so,—This fellow has some Novel for us, some Letters or
Instructions, but how to get it—
[As Scar. talks to the
Doctor, he takes the Letters by degrees out of his Pocket, and unseen,
gives 'em Bellemante behind him.
But this Map, Seignior; I protest you have fill'd me with
Curiosity. Has it signify'd all things so exactly say you?
Omitted nothing, Seignior, no City, Town, Village or Villa; no
Castle, River, Bridge, Lake, Spring or Mineral.
Are any, Sir, of those admirable Mineral Waters there, so frequent
in our World?
In abundance, Sir, the Famous
Garamanteen, a young
, Sir, lately come from thence, gives an account of an excellent Scaturigo, that has lately made an Ebulation there, in great
Reputation with the Lunary Ladies.
Indeed, Sir! be pleas'd, Seignior, to 'solve me some Queries that
may enode some apparences of the Virtue of the Water you speak of.
Pox upon him, what Questions he asks— but I must on—Why Sir,
you must know,—the Tincture of this Water upon Stagnation,
Ceruberates, and the Crocus upon the Stones Flaveces; this he
observes— to be, Sir, the Indication of a Generous Water.
Now, Sir, be pleas'd to observe the three Regions, if they be
bright, without doubt Mars is powerful; if the middle Region or
Camera be palled, Filia Solis is breeding.
And then the third Region, if the Fæces be volatil, the Birth will
soon come in Balneo. This I observed also in the Laboratory of
that Ingenious Chymist Lysidono, and with much Pleasure
animadverted that Mineral of the same Zenith and Nader, of that now so
famous Water in England, near that famous Metropolis, call'd Islington.
For, Sir, upon the Infusion, the Crows Head immediately procures
the Seal of Hermes, and had not Lic Virginis been
too soon suck'd up, I believe we might have seen the Consummation of Amalgena.
[Bellemante having got
her Letters, goes off. She makes Signs to him to stay a little. He
Most likely, Sir.
But, Sir, this
Garamanteen relates the strangest Operation
of a Mineral in the Lunar World, that ever I heard of.
As how, I pray, Sir?
Why, Sir, a Water impregnated to a Circulation with
; upon my Honour, Sir, the strongest I ever drank of.
How, Sir! did you drink of it?
I only speak the words of
Garamanteen, Sir. —Pox on him, I
shall be trapt.
Cry Mercy, Sir.—
The Lunary Physicians, Sir, call it
Urinam Vulcani, it
Calibrates every ones Excrements more or less according to the Gradus
of the Natural Calor.—To my Knowledge, Sir, a Smith of a very fiery
Constitution, is grown very Opulent by drinking these Waters.
How, Sir, grown Rich by drinking the Waters, and to your Knowledge?
The Devil's in my Tongue, to my Knowledge, Sir, for what a man of
Honour relates, I may safely affirm.
Excuse me, Seignior—
[Puts off his Hat
For, Sir, conceive me how he grew Rich, since he drank those Waters
he never buys any Iron, but hammers it out of Stercus Proprius.
Enter Bellemante with a Billet.
Sir, 'tis three a Clock, and Dinner will be cold.—
Scaramouch, and gives him the Note, and goes out.
I come Sweet-heart; but this is wonderful.
Ay, Sir, and if at any time Nature be too infirm, and he prove
Costive, he has no more to do, but to apply a Load-stone ad Anum
Most true, Sir, and that facilitates the Journey
.—But I detain you, Sir, another time— Sir,—I will now only beg
the Honour of a Word or two with the Governante, before I go.—
Sir, she shall wait on you, and I shall be proud of the Honour of
[They bow. Exit Doctor.
Enter to him Harlequin, dress'd like a Farmer, as
Hum—What have we here, a Taylor or a Tumbler?
Ha—Who's this?—Hum—What if it shou'd be the Farmer that the
Doctor has promis'd Mopsophil to? My Heart misgives me.
[They look at each
other a while.
Who wou'd you speak with, Friend?
This is, perhaps, my Rival, the Apothecary.— Speak with, Sir,
why, what's that to you?
Have you Affairs with Seignior Doctor, Sir?
It may be I have, it may be I have not. What then, Sir?—
While they seem in angry Dispute, Enter Mopsophil.
Seignior Doctor tells me I have a Lover waits me, sure it must be
the Farmer or the Apothecary. No matter which, so a Lover, that
welcomest man alive. I am resolv'd to take the first good Offer, tho'
but in Revenge of Harlequin and Scaramouch, for puting
Tricks upon me.— Ha,—Two of 'em!
My Mistriss here!
[They both Bow and
Advance, both putting each other by.
Hold Gentlemen,—do not worry me. Which of you wou'd speak with me?
I, I, I, Madam—
Both of you?
No, Madam, I, I.
If both Lovers, you are both welcome, but let's have fair Play, and
take your turns to speak.
Ay, Seignior, 'tis most uncivil to interrupt me.
And disingenious, Sir, to intrude on me.
[Putting one another by.
Let me then speak first.
I was inform'd there was a Person here had Propositions of Marriage
to make me.
That's I, that's I—
[Shoves Scar. away.
And I attend to that consequential
[Shoves Har. away.
I know not what you mean by your
Finis, Seignior, but I am
come to offer my self this Gentlewomans Servant, her Lover, her
Husband, her Dog in a Halter, or any thing.
Him I pronounce a Paltroon, and an Ignominious Utensil, that dares
lay claim to the Renowned Lady of my Primum Mobile; that is, my
I fear not your hard Words, Sir, but dare aloud pronounce, if
Donna Mopsophil like me, the Farmer, as well as I like her, 'tis a
Match, and my Chariot is ready at the Gate to bear her off, d'ye
Ah, how that Chariot pleads.—
And I pronounce, that being intoxicated with the sweet Eyes of this
refulgent Lady, I come to tender her my noblest Particulars, being
already most advantageously set up with the circumstantial Implements
of my Occupation.
[Points to the Shop.
A City Apothecary, a most Gentile Calling— Which shall I
chuse?—Seignior Apothecary, I'll not expostulate the Circumstantial
Reasons that have occasion'd me this Honour.—
Incomparable Lady, the Elegancy of your Repertees most excellently
denote the Profundity of your Capacity.
What the Devil's all this? Good Mr.
Conjurer stand by—and
don't fright the Gentlewoman with your Elegant Profondities.
[Puts him by.
How, a Conjurer! I will chastise thy vulgar Ignorance, that yclips
a Philosopher a Conjurer.
Losaphers!—Prethee, if thou be'st a Man, speak like a Man—then
Why, What do I speak like? What do I speak like?
What do you speak like—why you speak like a Wheel-Barrow.
[They come up close
together at half Sword Parry; stare on each other for a while, then
put up and bow to each other civilly.
Thats well Gentlemen, let's have all Peace, while I survey you
both, and see which likes me best.
[She goes between 'em,
and surveys 'em both, they making ridiculous Bows on both sides, and
Grimaces the while.
—ha,—now on my Conscience, my two foolish Lovers,—
Harlequin and Scaramouch; how are my Hopes defeated?—but
Faith I'll fit you both.
[She views 'em both.
So, she's considering still, I shall be the happy Dog.
She's taking aim, she cannot chuse but like me best.
Well, Madam, how does my Person propagate.
[Bowing and Smiling.
Faith Seignior, now I look better on you, I do not like your
Phisnomy so well as your Intellects; you discovering some
Circumstantial Symptoms that ever denote a Villainous Inconstancy.
Ah, you are pleas'd, Madam.—
You are mistaken, Seignior, I am displeas'd at your Gray Eyes, and
Black Eye-brows and Beard, I never knew a Man with those Signs, true
to his Mistriss or his Friend. And I wou'd sooner wed that Scoundrel Scaramouch, that very civil Pimp, that meer pair of Chymical
Bellows that blow the Doctors projecting Fires, that Deputy-Urinal
Shaker, that very Guzman of Salamanca, than a Fellow of your
infallible Signum Mallis.
Ha, ha, ha,—you have your Answer, Seignior Friskin—and may shut
up your Shop and be gone.—Ha, ha, ha.—
Hum, sure the Jade knows me—
And as for you, Seignior.
[Bowing and Smiling.
Those Lanthorn Jaws of yours, with that most villainous Sneer and
Grin, and a certain fierce Aire of your Eyes, looks altogether most
Fanatically—which with your notorious Whey Beard, are certain Signs
of Knavery and Cowardice; therefore I'd rather wed that Spider Harlequin, that Sceliton Buffoon, that Ape of Man, that Jack of
Lent, that very Top, that's of no use, but when 'tis whipt and lasht,
that pitious Property I'd rather wed than thee.
A very fair Declaration—
you understand me—and so adieu sweet Glisterpipe, and Seignior
dirty Boots, Ha, ha, ha.—
[They stand looking
simply on each other, without speaking a while.
That I shou'd not know that Rogue
That I shou'd take this Fool for a Physician.
—How long have you commenc'd Apothecary, Seignior?
Ever since you turn'd Farmer.—Are not you a damn'd Rogue to put
these Tricks upon me, and most dishonorably break all Articles between
And are not you a damn'd Son of a—something —to break Articles
No more Words, Sir, no more words, I find it must come to
Draw,—so I can draw, Sir.—
They make a ridiculous cowardly Fight. Enter the
Doctor, which they seeing, come on with more Courage. He runs
between, and with his Cane beats the Swords down.
Hold—hold—What mean you Gentlemen?
Let me go, Sir, I am provok'd beyond measure, Sir.
You must excuse me, Seignior—
[Parlies with Harlequin.
I dare not discover the Fool for his Masters Sake, and it may spoil
our Intrigue anon; besides, he'll then discover me, and I shall be
discarded for bantering the Doctor.
—A Man of Honour to be so basely affronted here.—
[The Doctor comes to
Shou'd I discover this Rascal, he wou'd tell the Old Gentleman I
was the same that attempted his House to day in Womans Cloths, and I
shou'd be kick'd and beaten most unsatiably.
What, Seignior, for a man of Parts to be impos'd upon,—and whipt
through the Lungs here—like a Mountebanks Zany for sham Cures—Mr.
Doctor, I must tell you 'tis not Civil.
I am extreamly sorry for it, Sir,—and you shall see how I will
have this Fellow handled for the Affront to a Person of your Gravity,
and in my House— Here Pedro,—
—Take this Intruder, or bring some of your Fellows hither, and toss
him in a Blanket—
[Ex. Pedro. Har. going
to creep away, Scar. holds him.
Harkye,—bring me off, or I'll discover all your Intrigue.
[Aside to him.
Let me alone—
I'll warrant you some Rogue that has some Plot on my Neece and
No, no, Sir, he comes to impose the grossest Lye upon you, that
ever was heard of.
Enter Pedro with others, with a Blanket. They put
Har. into it, and toss him.
Hold, hold,—I'll confess all, rather than indure it.
Hold,—What will you confess, Sir.
[He comes out. Makes
—That he's the greatest Impostor in Nature. Wou'd you think it,
Sir? he pretends to be no less than an Ambassador from the Emperor of
the Moon, Sir—
Ha,—Ambassador from the Emperor of the Moon—
[Pulls off his Hat.
Ay, Sir, thereupon I laugh'd, thereupon he grew angry,—I laugh'd
at his Resentment, and thereupon we drew—and this was the high
Hum,—Ambassador from the Moon.
I have brought you off, manage him as well as you can.
Brought me off, yes, out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire. Why, how
the Devil shall I act an Ambassador?
It must be so, for how shou'd either of these know I expected that
[He addresses him with
profound Civility to Har.
Sir, if the Figure you make, approaching so near ours of this
World, have made us commit any undecent Indignity to your high
Character, you ought to pardon the Frailty of our Mortal Education and
Ignorance, having never before been blest with the Descention of any
from your World.—
What the Devil shall I say now?
—I confess, I am as you see by my Garb, Sir, a little
Incognito, because the Publick Message I bring, is very private
—which is, that the mighty Iredonozor, Emperor of the
Moon—with his most worthy Brother, the Prince of Thunderland,
intend to Sup with you to Night— Therefore be sure you get good
Wine.—Tho' by the way let me tell you, 'tis for the Sake of your
I'll leave the Rogue to his own Management.— I presume, by your
whispering, Sir, you wou'd be private, and humbly beging Pardon, take
You have it Friend. Does your Neece and Daughter Drink, Sir?
Ay, Sir, Drink hard.
Do the Women of your World drink hard, Sir?
According to their Quality, Sir, more or less; the greater the
Quality, the more Profuse the Quantity.
Why that's just as 'tis here; but your Men of Quality, your
States-men, Sir, I presume they are Sober, Learned and Wise.
Faith, no, Sir, but they are, for the most part, what's as good,
very Proud, and promising, Sir, most liberal of their Word to every
fauning Suiter, to purchase the state of long Attendance, and cringing
as they pass; but the Devil of a Performance, without you get the
Knack of bribing in the right Place and Time; but yet they all defy
Just, just as 'tis here. —But pray Sir, How do these Great Men
live with their Wives.
Most Nobly, Sir, my Lord keeps his Coach, my Lady, hers; my Lord
his Bed, my Lady hers; and very rarely see one another, unless they
chance to meet in a Visit, in the Park, the Mall, the Toore, or at the
Basset-Table, where they civilly Salute
and part, he to his Mistriss, she to play.
Good lack! just as 'tis here.
—Where, if she chance to lose her Money, rather than give out,
she borrows of the next Amorous Coxcomb, who, from that Minute, hopes,
and is sure to be paid again one way or other, the next kind
—Just as 'tis here.
As for the young Fellows that have Money, they have no Mercy upon
their own Persons, but wearing Nature off as fast as they can, Swear,
and Whore and Drink, and Borrow as long any Rooking Citizen will lend,
till having dearly purchased the Heroick Title of a Bully or a
Sharper, they live pity'd of their Friends, and despis'd by their
Whores, and depart this Transitory World, diverse and sundry ways.
Just, just, as 'tis here!
As for the Citizen, Sir, the Courtier lies with his Wife, he, in
revenge, cheats him of his Estate, till Rich enough to marry his
Daughter to a Courtier, again give him all—unless his Wives
Over-Gallantry break him; and thus the World runs round.—
The very same 'tis here.—Is there no preferment, Sir, for Men of
Parts and Merit?
Parts and Merit! What's that? a Livery, or the handsome tying a
Cravat, for the great Men prefer none but their Foot-men and Vallets.
By my Troth, just as 'tis here. —Sir, I find you are a Person of
most profound Intelligence —under Favour, Sir,—Are you a Native of
the Moon or this World.—
The Devils in him for hard Questions. —I am a
Sir, I Honour you; good luck, my Countryman How got you to the
Region of the Moon, Sir?
—A plaguy inquisitive old Fool— —Why, Sir,—Pox on't, what
shall I say?— I being—one day in a musing Melancholy, walking by
the Sea-side—there arose, Sir, a great Mist, by the Suns exhaling
of the Vapours of the Earth, Sir.
In this Fog or Mist, Sir, I was exhal'd.
The Exalations of the Sun, draw you to the Moon, Sir?
I am condemn'd to the Blanket again.—I say, Sir, I was exhal'd
up, but in my way—being too heavy, was dropt into the Sea.
How, Sir, into the Sea?
The Sea, Sir, where the Emperors Fisher-man casting his Nets, drew
me up, and took me for a strange and monstrous Fish, Sir,—and as
such, presented me to his Mightiness,—who going to have me
Spitchcock'd for his own eating.—
How, Sir, eating?—
What did me I, Sir, (Life being sweet) but fall on my Knees, and
besought his Gloriousness not to eat me, for I was no Fish but a Man;
he ask'd me of what Country, I told him of Naples; whereupon
the Emperor overjoy'd ask'd me if I knew that most Reverend and most
Learned Doctor Baliardo, and his fair Daughter. I told him I
did: whereupon he made me his Bed-fellow, and the Confident to his
Amour to Seigniora Elaria.
Bless me, Sir! how came the Emperor to know my Daughter?
—There he is again with his damn'd hard Questions. —Knew her,
Sir,—Why—you were walking abroad one day.—
My Daughter never goes abroad, Sir, farther than our Garden.—
Ay, there it was indeed, Sir,—and as his Highness was taking a
Survey of this lower World—through a long Perspective, Sir,—he saw
you and your Daughter and Neece, and from that very moment, fell most
desperately in Love.—But hark—the sound of Timbrils, Kettle-Drums
and Trumpets.—The Emperor, Sir, is on his Way,—prepare for his
[A strange Noise is
heard of Brass Kettles, and Pans, and Bells, and many tinkling things.
I'm in a Rapture—How shall I pay my Gratitude for this great
Negotiation?—but as I may, I humbly offer, Sir.—
[Presents him with a
Rich Ring and a Purse of Gold.
Sir, as an Honour done the Emperor, I take your Ring and Gold. I
must go meet his Highness.—
Enter to him Scaramouch, as himself.
Oh, Sir! we are astonish'd with the dreadful sound of the sweetest
Musick that ever Mortal heard, but know not whence it comes. Have you
not heard it, Sir?
Heard it, yes, Fool,—'Tis the Musick of the Spheres, the Emperor
of the Moon World is descending.
How, Sir, no marvel then, that looking towards the South, I saw
such splendid Glories in the Air.
Ha,—saw'st thou ought descending in the Air?
Oh, yes, Sir, Wonders! haste to the old Gallery, whence, with the
help of your Telescope, you may discover all.—
I wou'd not lose a moment for the lower Universe.
Enter Elaria, Bellemante, Mopsophil, dress'd in
rich Antick Habits.
Sir, we are dress'd as you commanded us, What is your farther
—It well becomes the Honour you're design'd for, this Night to
wed two Princes—come with me and know your happy Fates.
[Ex. Doctor and Scar.
Bless me! My Father, in all the rest of his Discourse, shows so
much Sense and Reason, I cannot think him mad, but feigns all this to
Not Mad! Marry Heaven forbid, thou art always creating Fears to
startle one; why, if he be not mad, his want of Sleep this eight and
forty hours, the Noise of strange unheard of Instruments, with the
Fantastick Splendor of the unusual Sight, will so turn his Brain and
dazle him, that in Grace of Goodness, he may be Mad: If he be
not;—come, let's after him to the Gallery, for I long to see in what
showing Equipage our Princely Lovers will address to us.
SCENE The Last.
The Gallery richly adorn'd with Scenes and Lights.
Enter Doctor, Elaria, Bellemante, and Mopsophil.
Soft Musick is heard.
Ha—Heavens! what's here?—what Palace is this?—No part
of our House, I'm sure.—
'Tis rather the Apartment of some Monarch.
I'm all amazement too, but must not show my Ignorance.—Yes,
Elaria, this is prepar'd to entertain two Princes.
Are you sure on't, Sir? are we not, think you, in that World above,
I often heard you speak of? in the Moon, Sir?
How shall I resolve her?—For ought I know, we are.
Sure, Sir, 'tis some Inchantment.
Let not thy Female Ignorance prophane the highest Mysteries of
Natural Philosophy: To Fools it seems Inchantment—but I've a Sense
can reach it,—sit and expect the Event.—Hark—I am amaz'd, but
must conceal my Wonder—that Joy of Fools— and appear wise in
Whence comes this charming Sound, Sir?
From the Spheres—it is familiar to me.
The Scene in the Front draws off, and shews the
Hill of Parnassus; a noble large Walk of Trees leading to it, with
eight or ten Negroes upon Pedestals, rang'd on each side of the
Walks. Next Keplair and Gallileus descend on each side, opposite to
each other, in Chariots, with Perspectives in their Hands, as viewing
the Machine of the Zodiack. Soft Musick plays still.
Methought I saw the Figure of two Men descend from yonder Cloud, on
I thought so too, but they are disappear'd, and the wing'd
Enter Keplair and Gallileus.
See, Sir, they approach.—
[The Doctor rises and
Most Reverend Sir, we, from the upper World, thus low salute you.—
Keplair and Gallileus we are call'd, sent as Interpreters
to Great Iredonozor, the Emperor of the Moon, who is descending.
Most Reverend Bards—profound Philosophers —thus low I bow to
pay my humble Gratitude.
The Emperor, Sir, salutes you, and your fair Daughter.
And, Sir, the Prince of
Thunderland salutes you, and your
Thus low I fall to thank their Royal Goodness.
[Kneels. They take him
Came you, most Reverend Bards, from the Moon World?
Most Lovely Maid, we did.
May I presume to ask the manner how?
By Cloud, Sir, through the Regions of the Air, down to the fam'd
Parnassus; thence by Water, along the River
rest by Post, upon two wing'd Eagles.
Sir, are there store of our World inhabiting the Moon?
Oh, of all Nations, Sir, that lie beneath it in the Emperors Train!
Sir, you will behold abundance; look up and see the Orbal World
descending; observe the Zodiack, Sir, with her twelve Signs.
[Next the Zodiack
descends, a Symphony playing all the while; when it is landed, it
delivers the twelve Signs: Then the Song, the Persons of the Zodiack
being the Singers. After which, the Negroes Dance and mingle in the
A Song for the Zodiack.
Let murmuring Lovers no longer Repine,
But their Hearts and their Voices advance;
Let the Nimphs and the Swains in the kind Chorus joyn,
And the Satyrs and Fauns in a Dance.
Let nature put on her Beauty of May,
And the Fields and the Meadows adorn;
Let the Woods and the Mountains resound with the Joy,
And the Echoes their Triumph return.
For since Love wore his Darts,
And Virgins grew Coy;
Since these wounded Hearts,
And those cou'd destroy.
There ne'er was more Cause for your Triumphs and Joy.
Hark, hark, the Musick of the Spheres,
Some Wonder approaching declares;
Such, such, as has not blest your Eyes and Ears
This thousand, thousand, thousand years.
See, see what the Force of Love can make,
Who rules in Heaven, in Earth and Sea;
Behold how he commands the Zodiack,
While the fixt Signs unhinging all obey.
Not one of which, but represents
The Attributes of Love,
Who governs all the Elements
In Harmony above.
For since Love wore his Darts,
And Virgins grew Coy;
Since these wounded Hearts,
And those cou'd destroy,
There ne'er was more Cause for your Triumphs, and Joy.
The wanton Aries first descends,
To show the Vigor and the Play,
Beginning Love, beginning Love attends,
When the young Passion is all-over Joy,
He bleats his soft Pain to the fair curled Throng,
And he leaps, and he bounds, and Loves all the day long.
At once Loves Courage and his Slavery
In Taurus is express'd,
Tho' o're the Plains he Conqueror be,
The Generous Beast
Does to the Yoak submit his Noble Breast,
While Gemini smiling and twining of Arms,
Shows Loves soft Indearments and Charms.
And Cancer's slow Motion the degrees do express,
Respectful Love arrives to Happiness.
Leo his Strength and Majesty,
Virgo his blushing Modesty,
And Libra all his Equity.
His Subtilty does Scorpio show,
And Sagittarius all his loose desire,
By Capricorn his forward Humour know,
And Aqua. Lovers Tears that raise his Fire,
While Pisces, which intwin'd do move,
Show the soft Play, and wanton Arts of Love.
For since Love wore his Darts,
And Virgins grew Coy;
Since these wounded Hearts,
And those cou'd destroy,
There ne'er was more Cause for Triumphs and Joy.
—See how she turns, and sends her Signs to Earth.— Behold the
Ram—Aries—see Taurus next descends; then Gemini
—see how the Boys embrace.—Next Cancer, then Leo,
then the Virgin; next to her Libra— Scorpio,
Sagittary, Capricorn, Aquarius,—Pisces. This eight thousand
years no Emperor has descended, but Incognito, but when he
does, to make his Journey more Magnificent, the Zodiack, Sir, attends
'Tis all amazing, Sir.
Now, Sir, behold, the Globick World descends two thousand Leagues
below its wonted Station, to show Obedience to its proper Monarch.
[After which, the Globe
of the Moon appears, first, like a new Moon; as it moves forward it
increases , till it comes to the Full. When it is descended, it opens,
and shews the Emperor and the Prince. They come forth with all their
Train, the Flutes playing a Symphony before him, which prepares the
Song. Which ended, the Dancers mingle as before.
All Joy to Mortals, Joy and Mirth
Eternal IO'S sing;
The Gods of Love descend to Earth,
Their Darts have lost the Sting.
The Youth shall now complain no more
On Silvia's needless Scorn,
But she shall love, if he adore,
And melt when he shall burn.
The Nimph no longer shall be shy,
But leave the jilting Road;
And Daphne now no more shall fly
The wounded panting God;
But all shall be serene and fair,
No sad Complaints of Love
Shall fill the Gentle whispering Air,
No echoing Sighs the Grove.
Beneath the Shades young Strephon lies,
Of all his Wish possess'd;
Gazing on Silvia's charming Eyes,
Whose Soul is there confess'd.
All soft and sweet the Maid appears,
With Looks that know no Art,
And though she yields with trembling Fears,
She yields with all her Heart.
—See, Sir, the Cloud of Foreigners appears,
English, Spaniards, Danes, Turks, Russians, Indians, and the
nearer Climes of Christendom; and lastly, Sir, behold the mighty
[A Chariot appears,
made like a Half Moon, in which is Cinthio for the Emperor, richly
dress'd and Charmante for the Prince, rich, with a good many Heroes
attending. Cinthio's Train born by four Cupids. The Song continues
while they descend and land. They address themselves to Elaria and
Bellemante. —Doctor fallson his Face, the rest bow very low as they
pass. They make signs to Keplair.
The Emperor wou'd have you rise, Sir, he will expect no Ceremony
from the Father of his Mistriss.
[Takes him up.
I cannot, Sir, behold his Mightiness—the Splendor of his Majesty
You must be moderate, Sir, it is expected.
[The two Lovers make
all the Signs of Love in dumb show to the Ladies, while the soft
Musick plays again from the End of the Song.—
Shall I not have the Joy to hear their Heavenly Voices, Sir?
They never speak to any Subject, Sir, when they appear in Royalty,
but by Interpreters, and that by way of Stentraphon, in manner of the
Any way, so I may hear the Sence of what they wou'd say.
No doubt you will—But see the Emperor commands by signs his
Foreigners to dance—
[Soft Musick changes.
[A very Antick Dance.
The Dance ended, the Front Scene draws off, and shows a Temple, with
an Altar, one speaking thorough a Stentraphon from behind it. Soft
Musick plays the while.
Most Learned Sir, the Emperor now is going to declare himself,
according to his Custom, to his Subjects. Listen.—
Most Reverend Sir, whose Vertue did incite us,
Whose Daughters Charms did more invite us;
We come to grace her with that Honour,
That never Mortal yet had done her,
Jove was known in Story,
To visit Semele in Glory.
But fatal 'twas, he so enjoy'd her,
Her own ambitious Flame destroy'd her.
His Charms too fierce for Flesh and Blood,
She dy'd embracing of her God.
We gentler marks of Passion give,
The Maid we love, shall love and live;
Whom visibly we thus will grace,
Above the rest of human Race.
Say, is't your Will that we shou'd Wed her,
And nightly in Disguises Bed her.
The Glory is too great for Mortal Wife.
[Kneels with Transport.
What then remains, but that we consummate.
This happy Marriage in our splendid State?
Thus low I kneel, in thanks for this great Blessing.
[Cinthio takes Elaria
by the Hand; Charmante, Bellemante; two of the Singers in white being
Priests, they lead 'em to the Altar, the whole Company dividing on
either side. Where, while a Hymeneal Song is sung, the Priest joyns
their Hands. The Song ended, and they Marry'd, they come forth; but
before they come forward,—two Chariots descend, one on one side
above, and the other on the other side; in which, is Harlequin dress'd
like a Mock Hero, with others, and Scaramouch in the other, dress'd
so in Helmets.
Stay mighty Emperor, and vouchsafe to be the Umpire of our
[Cinthio signs to
What are you?
Two neighbouring Princes to your vast Dominion.
Knights of the Sun, our Honourable Titles.
And fight for that fair Mortal, Mopsophil.
Bless us!—my two precious Lovers, I'll warrant; well, I had
better take up with one of them, than lye alone to Night.
Long as two Rivals we have Lov'd and Hop'd,
Both equally endeavour'd, and both fail'd.
At last by joynt Consent, we both agreed
To try our Titles by the Dint of Lance,
And chose your Mightiness for Arbitrator.
The Emperor gives Consent.—
[They both, all arm'd
with gilded Lances and Shields of Black, with Golden Suns painted. The
Musick plays a fighting Tune. They fight at Barriers, to the
Tune.—Harlequin is often Foil'd, but advances still; at last
Scaramouch throws him, and is Conqueror; all give Judgment for him.
The Emperor pronounces you are Victor.—
Receive your Mistriss, Sir, as the Reward of your undoubted
Your humble Servant, Sir, and
Scaramouch, returns you humble
[Puts off his Helmet.
[Bawls out, and falls
in a Chair. They all go to him.
My Heart misgives me—Oh, I am undone and cheated every way.—
Be patient, Sir, and call up all your Vertue,
You're only cur'd, Sir, of a Disease
That long has raign'd over your Nobler Faculties.
Sir, I am your Physician, Friend and Counsellor;
It was not in the Power of Herbs or Minerals,
Of Reason, common Sense, and right Religion,
To draw you from an Error that unman'd you.
I will be Patient, Gentlemen, and hear you.
—Are not you
I am,—and these are Gentlemen of Quality,
That long have lov'd your Daughter and your Neece.
Don Cinthio this, and this
The Vice-Roys Nephews, both.—
Who sound as men—'twas impossible to enjoy 'em,
And therefore try'd this Stratagem.—
Sir, I beseech you, mitigate your Grief,
Altho' indeed we are but mortal men,
Yet we shall Love you,—Serve you, and obey you—
Are not you then the Emperor of the Moon?
And you the Prince of
There's no such Person, Sir.
These Stories are the Fantoms of mad Brains,
To puzzle Fools withal—the Wise laugh at 'em,—
—Come Sir, you shall no longer be impos'd upon.
No Emperor of the Moon,—and no Moon World!
If we'd not lov'd you, you'd been still impos'd on;
We had brought a Scandal on your Learned Name,
And all succeeding Ages had despis'd it.
[He leaps up.
Burn all my Books, and let my Study Blaze,
Burn all to Ashes, and be sure the Wind
Scatter the vile Contagious Monstrous Leys.
—Most Noble Youths—you've honour'd me with your Alliance, and
you, and all your Friends, Assistances in this Glorious Miracle, I
invite to Night to revel with me.—Come all and see my happy
Recantation of all the Follies Fables have inspir'd till now. Be
pleasant to repeat your Story, to tell me by what kind degrees you
I see there's nothing in Philosophy—
[Gravely to himself.
Of all that writ, he was the wisest Bard, who spoke this mighty
"He that knew all that ever Learning writ,
"Knew only this—that he knew nothing yet.