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The English Rogue, Part 1 by Richard Head



THE PREFACE.

ON The English Rogue.

On the Ensuing Subject.

TO THE READER, In stead of the ERRATA.

THE English Rogue, Described in the Life of a Witty EXTRAVAGANT.

Epilogue



The Globe's thy Studye; for thy boundless mind:
In a less limit cannot be confind
Gazing, I here admire: thy very lookes
Show thou art read as well in men, as bookes.
He that shall Scan thy face, may judge by it,
Thou hast an Head peece that is throngd with wit

I. F


THE PREFACE.

Beloved Country-men,

Had I not more respect to my Countries good in general, then any private interest of mine own, I should not have introduc'd my Friend upon the common Theatre of the World, to act the part of a Rogue in the Publick view of all. Rogue! did I call him? I should recal that word, since his Actions were attended more with Witty Conceits, then Life-destroying ] Stratagems. It is confest, the whole bent of his mind tended to little else then Exorbitancy; and Necessity frequently compelled him to perpetrate Villany: And no wonder, since he lived in the infectious Air of the worst of most Licentious Times. But still I blame my self for stigmatizing him with such an Opprobrious Title, since in the declination of his days, the consideration of his former Wicked Courses hath wrought (I have so much charity for him to believe it) in him cordial contrition, and unfeigned repentance: and the truth of it is, Man should be regarded not for what he was, but what he is.

Since his Reformation, I have taken very great delight in his Conversation, and never went from him but with great satisfaction in the Ingenious Relation of the transactions of his youthful days: And frequently revolving them in my mind, Reason suggested to me, the History of his Life could not but be as profitable as pleasant, if made publick. For herein you may see Vice pourtrayed in her own proper shape, the ugliness whereof (her Vizard-Mask being remov'd) cannot but cause in her (quondam) Adorers, a loathing , in stead of loving. Wherefore, with my Friends free consent, and being instigated thereunto by many persons inferiour to few, either for Birth, Education, or Natural Parts, I attempted this Essay.

If any be so curious to know what the (Actors you have in the Title) Authors Name is, let me crave his pardon for his concealment, and answer him with Plutarch to an inquisitive Fellow, Quum vides velatam, quid inquiris in rem absconditam? It was therefore covered, because he should not know what was in it. It is ] enough that the Actor hath shown himself willing to declare freely, and without mincing the truth of what he hath done, without knowing who writ it; if the Contents shall as well please as admonish, no matter what I'm call'd. But if you are so desirous to know what the Writer is, I shall briefly inform your curiosity: But I doubt I have undertaken what I cannot perform; for if to know a mans self be more then an Herculean Labour, then without doubt it is beyond the limits of my power to tell you what I am; neither can any man truly know another, unless he first knows himself.

For some few years, the World and I have had a great falling out; and though I have used all probable and possible means, we remain yet unreconcil'd.

My only comfort is, I have a small treasure in Minerva's Tower, by which I subsist; and by the benefit thereof, can walk abroad, not without taking Observation both from what I hear and see; and returning home, Tam Aulæ vanitatem, quam Fori ambitionem ridere mecum soleo. I can with Democritus, laugh at the Actions of men, extracting Wisdome from their Follies, and afterwards lash them with a Rod of Experience made of their own fond inconsiderateneß.

As for my part, I am onely a Wiseacre, (a Retort once put upon Ben Johnson) for I have no Acres of Land. But therefore don't be so unadvised, (as too many are of late) to regard not so much the worth of the Work, as the dignity of the Person. Qui similiter in legendos libros atq; in salutandos homines irruunt, non cogitantes quales, sed quibus vestibus induti sint . They mind not so much what, as who writ it; not the Quality of the Thing, but the Quality of the Author, and a Person of ] Honour (now adays) being set in the place of the Writer, makes the Book received with a general applause. Pardon as well my Satyrical as Cynical Humour. If any dislike what I have writ, let them let it alone, or publish themselves something of a better Composition. I shall not value any ones Censure, for I have already Antidoted my self against it, by my own dis-esteem I have hereof. I am so far from being Opinionative , that you cannot speak worse then what I judge of it.



Nasutus sis usq; licet, sis deniq; Nasus,
Non potes in nugas dicere plura meas.


Bark, foul-mouth'd carping Momus, if thou durst:
What I have writ is Bad; Now do thy worst.

Thus you see, as I will not arrogate, so I shall not derogate: for as I am so many Parasanges after such a one, yet I may be an Ace above thee, if thou art too Censorious .

But some may say, That this is but actum agere, a Collection out of Guzman, Buscon, or some others that have writ upon this subject; Cramben bis coctam apponere; and that I have onely sqeez'd their Juice, (adding some Ingredients of mine own) and afterwards distill'd it in the Lymbeck of my own Head. Non habes confitentem reum, I ne'er extracted from them one single drop of Spirit. As if we could not produce an English Rogue of our own, without being beholding to other Nations for him. I will not say that he durst vye with either an Italian, Spanish, or French Rogue; but having been steept for some years in an Irish Bogg, that hath added so much to his Rogueships ] perfection, that he out-did them all by out-doing one, and that was a Scot; I need not use the Epithite Roguish, since the very name proves it a Tautologie. If I have borrowed any thing, it was not from what past the Preß; but what I have taken upon the score in Discourse, &c. I here repay with Usury, but not in the same Commodity. Etiamsi apparet unde sumptum sit, aliud tamen quam unde sumptum fit, apparet. I have not done as the Romans, who robb'd the whole Universe to enrich their ill-sited City, Rome I mean. I skimm'd not off the Cream of other mens Wits, nor Crop'd the flowers in others gardens to garnish my own Plots; neither have I Larded my Lean Fancy with the Fat of other Ingenious Labours; but from the dictation of my own Genius, I have exprest quicquid in buccam venerit, what came next, without much premeditation ] or study. Gra-mercy Sack, if happily I have hit the mark.

I am no Aquae potor, an implacable enemy to Small Beer; all the Purchases I can boast of, lies in Wine, which is by Moderns highly esteemed for improving good Wits; infusing Elogies and Hyperbolical Exornations, forming such hard words in the Brain, as shall, like Acesta's arrows, catch fire as they flie. But I have wandered from that common rode, respecting more the matter then words. For my Stile is plain and familiar, rejecting bombast Expressions, thinking them most happy when most easily to be understood.

As for the Matter it self, if it be faulty; or the Method rude and indigested, consider, Quod nihil perfectum vel singulari consummatum industria, No man can observe all things; neither is it to be imagined that all Rogueries can be perform'd by one man. Not but that ] when you have read him, you will find him Notorious enough.

Some men are not content to commit Villany themselves, and boast of it too, but they will rob others of that which they should be asham'd to own. In this there is little or no Fiction, I'll assure you; and there is no Story therein which doth not carry with it more then the bare probability of truth. Should I speak much more, it is to be fear'd some will argue from hence, that I am conscious to my self of its various defects; and therefore I shall desist from Apologizing for it, or my self.

Sensible I am, that if ought be omitted or added, which the Reader likes or dislikes, he will account me Mancipium paucæ lectionis, an Idiot, an insipid Asse; nullus sum, vel Plagiarius, a very Thief, and that I stole other mens Labours. Thus do I know I shall be vilified and undervalued even by such, ] that are so far from being capable of judging of Ingenuity, that they know not how to write Orthographically six words of sence in their own Mother-tongue. Yet I must confess, what is writ, is neither as I would, nor as it should, it being usher'd into the world as it was first written; whereas I should have done with this, as a Physitian advised should be done with Lapis Lazuli, to be washt fifty times before used: had not immergent Affairs hindred me, I would have lick'd this Cub into a more comely Form. But since 'tis otherwise, I shall onely complain with Ovid;



Cum relego scripsisse pudet, quia plurimo cerno,
Me quoq; quæ fuerant Judice digna lini.

All the favour that I shall desire, is, That the Reader would not account the ] Printers literal or verbal Escapes mine ; and withal pass a candid interpretation on each Line; and I shall endeavour in a short time to become more satisfactory, and study how I may be always serviceable to my Country.



When I read o'er what I have writ, then shame
O'er spreads my face, because it stabs my Name.

Meriton Latroon.

]

ON The English Rogue.



What others writ, was ta'en upon the Score;
Thou art in Re, what they but feign'd before.
They did but lisp, or worse, speak through the Nose:
Thou hast pronounc't, and liv'st in Verse and Prose.
Guzman, Lazaro, Buscon, and Francion,
Till thou appear'dst did shine as at high Noon.
Thy Book's now extant; those that judge of Wit,
Say, They and Rablais too fall short of it.
How could't be otherwise, since 'twas thy fate,
To practise what they did but imitate.
We stand amaz'd at thy Ephesian Fire;
Such purchas'd Infamy all must admire.

N. D.

]

On the Ensuing Subject.



What! more Rogues still? I thought our happy Times
Were freed from such, as from Rebellious Crimes.
But such will be: i' th' best of Times we find
The worst of men; the Law can't lawless bind.
It must be so, since Nature thought it fit
To give some nought but Lands, to others Wit
But no Estates, bestowing such a mind
That can't within due limits be confin'd.
Hence Depredations, Thefts, nay worser facts,
Cheating & Whoring, with unheard-of acts:
For Swimming for their Lives, these misrules think,
'Tis better catch at any thing, then sink.
Such was this Rogue, esteem'd the worst of men;
Liv'd by his Sword, his Pregnant Wit, and Pen.
In short, Pray pardon if I speak amiß;
I never read so arch a Rogue as This.

A. B.

]

TO THE READER, In stead of the ERRATA.



This Rogue hath had his faults,
   the Printers too;
All men whilst here do erre;
   and so may you.

THE English Rogue,
Described in the Life of a Witty EXTRAVAGANT.

CHAP. I.

What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His miraculous escape from the hands of Irish Rebels, his Brother being at that very time murdered by the mercileß hands of those bloody Butchers.

After a long and strict inquisition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could not finde any of his Ancestors bearing a Coat; surely length of time had worn it out. But if the Gentlemen Craft will any ways ennoble his Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that lasting Art, even from Crispin . My Fathers Father had by his continuall labour in Husbandry, arriv'd to the height of a Farmer, then the head of his Kindred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so swell'd him, that he swore by his Plow-share that his eldest Son (my Father) should be a Scholliard ; and should learn so long, till he could read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve, writ a Bill or a Bond.

It was never known that any of that Family could distinguish one letter from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses understandings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but that of a Bag-pudding of a Peck, or a Piece of Beef, (in which their teath might step wet-shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them in Arabick. But let me not abuse them; for some understood something else, that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team, and to shooe themselves as well as their Horses, how to lean methodically upon a Staff, and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the Sun.

The symmetrical proportion, sweetness of features, and acuteness of my Fathers wit, were such, (though extracted out of this lump of red and white marle) that he was belov'd of All. As the loveliness of his person gain'd alwayes an intrest in Female hearts; so the quickness of apprehension and invention, and the acquired quaintness of his expressions, procur'd him the friendship of such as convers'd with him. A Gentleman at length taking notice of more then ordinary natural parts in him, at his proper charge sent him to the University: where in a short time he became famous for Vniversal Learning; and in process of time, notorious for all sorts of Debauchery.

The Gallants and Critical Wits of Oxford, coveted so much his Company, that he had not time to apply himself to his study; but giving way to their sollications, being prompted thereunto by his own powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner of sensuality. For his leud carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and detestable behavior, he was at last expelled the Colledge.

Now was he forced to return to his Father, who with much joy received him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down; but to palliate his villainies, informed his Father, that he had learned as much as he could be instructed in; and now and then would sprinkle his Discourse with a Greek or Latine sentence, when talking with the poor ignorant old man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound thereof. When my Father talkt at any time, they were all as silent as Midnight; and then would my Grand-father with much admiration becken to the standers by to give their greatest attention, to what the Speaker as little understood as his Auditors. In ostentation he was carried to the Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune understood no other Tongues, but what his Mother taught him: My Father perceiving that, made Shouldramutton and Katathumpton serve for very good Greek; which the Parson confirmed, telling my Grand-father further, That his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting, that he was so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not.

He had not been long in the Countrey, before a Gentlewoman taking notice of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her wealthy Relations, she incontinently was married to him. Her Portion (though large) was soon expended, and then necessity called upon my Father to look out for some employment, conduceable to a future livelihood. After the frustration of various attempts, in fine concluded to undertake the Ministerial Function: but the main obstacle was, his fear he should not practise what he preached; but having satiated himself with all manner of sensualities, he began to loath what formerly he loved, his hatred thereunto being aggravated by the evil effects, he experimented in such licentious courses.

His eminent parts natural, (and what he attained unto by his Countrey studies, being ashamed to have lost so much time) introduced him as a Chaplain to a Nobleman, with whom he travelled into Ireland . Experience had then so reformed his life to so strict a religious course, that his observers gained more by his example, then his hearers by precepts. Thus by his Piety in the Purity of his practice, he soon regained his lost credit.

By this time my Mother drew near her time, having conceived me in England, but not conceiving she should thus drop me in an Irish Bog. It is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the nature of the Native, then the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, &c. yet the son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to the common custom of his Countreymen) dissemble and sooth up his Adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never resting satisfied till I had accomplished a plenary revenge, which I commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat all I dealt withal, though the matter ever so inconsiderable. Lie so naturally, that a miracle may be as soon wrought, as a truth proceed from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or mental Reservations, they were ever in me innate properties. It was always my disposition rather to die by the hand of a Common Executioner, then want my revenge, though ever so slightly grounded. This is the nature of an Irishman; but I shall desist here to characterize him further, reserving him for another place.

Four years after my birth, the Rebellion began, so unexpectedly, that we were forced to flee in the night; the light of our flaming Houses, Reckes of Hay, and Stacks of Corn, guided us out of the Town, and our fears soon conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels wandring to and fro, intending either to meet with their friends, (who flocked from all parts to get into a body) or else any English, which they designed as Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial servants, the one carrying me, the other my Brother. The Fates had decreed my Brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the Faithful Infidel being butchered with him. The surviving servant carried me, declaring, that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their mercy with his howling Chram a chrees , and St. Patrick a gra, procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.

Thus was I preserved, but I hope not reserved as a subject for Divine Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have rendred me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from Adam. But since the concatenation of sins various links hath encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self absolution (according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious Confession of my nefarious facts, I shall give the Reader a Summary Relation of my life, from my nonage to the Meridian of my days, hoping that my extravagancies and youthful exiliencies have in that state of life their declination and kinde.

CHAP. II.

 

What Waggeries he committed, being but a Childe.

Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Childe, being enricht with all the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender age deprived me of its grace or chiefest ornament. Thus it hapned, My Father kept commonly many Turkeys, one among the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat, which I usually wore: But that which most of all exasperated my budding passion, was, his assaulting my Bread and Butter, and instead thereof, sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this stratagem. I inticed him with what I had in my hand to the Orchard-gate, which was made to shut with a Pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I immediately clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my mortal Foe. Then did I use that little strength I had to beat his brains out with my Carstick; which being done, I deplumed his tail, sticking those Feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them; which so tryed the weakness of my eyes, and so strained the Optick Nerves, that my eyes ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my Mother, that so doted on me, that I have often heard her say, She forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my complexion.

This proved no lasting damage to my beauteous countenance: for though for the present it eclipsed the glory of my face, yet time reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six years the obliquity of my eyes aspects were hardly discernable. Nay, I have heard some say, that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience confirm'd me in this belief; for they proved as powerful, as the perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue; both which conjoyned, were sufficient (I speak it not vain-gloriously) to prevail even over the Goddess of Chastity; especially being backt on with ardent desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: Being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of safety in that Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, (being compelled to leave my Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a Protestant Preacher) she adventured to Sea, not caring whither she went. Foulness of weather drove us upon the Coast of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather. From France we set sayl, and landed in the West of England. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first: but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that they were forced to go from thence to some other place: where-ever he came, we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother, she being very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent tongue, she commonly apply'd her self to the Minister of the Town; who wondring to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took us into his own house for a while, or gathered some contributions to supply our present necessities; with which we travelled to the next Town: and in this manner we strouled or wandred up and down, being little better then mendicant Itinerants. Staying so little time in a place, and my Mother being more careful to get a subsistence, then to season my tender years with the knowledg of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Being asham'd to go to School in this ignorance, I apply'd my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in less hours then there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read distinctly, and immediately introduc'd into the Grammar-School; where I had not been long, before I became a Bookworm, securing as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacy serv'd. And to the intent that my Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Books I had stollen, I usually metamorphized them: if new, I would gash their skin; and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale for the wounds they received: if much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces. This course I followed a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money, (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form to make my Exercises: which were so well liked of by my Master, that I still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we read. I was forced to imploy my Wits in the management of my hands, to keep touch with my Pensioners, lest they failing me for want of encouragement, my Master should discover how much my Dunceship was abused. Frequent were my Truantings, which were always attended with some notorious Fact, besides small Faults, as robbing of Orchards, pulling the first and seconds of Forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the Cows in my Hat, and so drink the Milk: And then for Poultry, there was seldom a day escaped, wherein I had not more or less; which I carried to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains. If I had stoln any thing, I had me recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my rambling, and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from thence. Nay, for very small faults I wisht to be whipt, knowing the Rod would then be laid on gently; which carried with it a tickling pleasure, stimulating Lechery. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad, I was careful they should not be discovered. If any Boy had injuried me, whose strength exceeded mine, so that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. One common trick I had, was to stick a Pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this manner did I serve several: in which fact I was at last taken; the punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, To sit by his Desk alone, and compose a Copy of Verses: by which means he perceived how much I had abused my self in the loss of my time; for I knew not how many feet any Verse required, and therefore must needs be altogether ignorant of their composition. Whereupon he degraded me, and made me begin a new. The shame whereof, and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my Mothers indulgency, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night-practises, with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School; For our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: being so young, my Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would not lie quiet, putting her frequently to the squeek; in fine, I was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master. Now was I kept close to my book; and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was always kept sharp; which quickned my invention, to supply what was deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self into the favor of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at a Small Game rather then stick out, rather then not have their itchings Gums rubb'd at all, they would admit of a Childes Corral to execute the Office. I performed my business so well, that my stomack was always satiated when the rest of the boarders were dissatisfied; often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was deprived of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. My Mother moreover, fearing the extravagantness of my nature, allowed me nothing for expence, which made me desperately resolved. A River confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when that is overthrown, which impeded its progress) flow with the greater impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires; but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights, sooner or latter he will taste their relish, and better early then late. Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and Conversation: Though from the Dawning morning thereof, till the Meridian, his actions have been nothing else but the extract of all manner of Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed) that man which in the declination of his age, tracks the by-paths of Vice and Licentiousness, seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the Grim Pale faced Meßenger takes him napping. Thus much by way of Digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not hinder his Teaching: For if he found himself indisposed, he would send for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there. One time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Dyet, &c. Our Master receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which I (more officious then the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: Which I did; well considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts, various ways for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of the Key in Wax; which with much difficulty I obtained, and carried it to a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my proposal) suspected me; (questionless he was acquainted with such kinde of devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make him. My first stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I tryed a Picklock of mine own invention; but that would not effect my design neither: So that I concluded to take Cabinet and all. My Masters custom was to walk abroad at nights, and sleep in the daytime; inverting the course of Nature: Foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber, and concealed my self under the bed. Finding my way clear, I conveyed my self and purchase out of the House, and travelled all night. In the morning I found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs, and solace my self with the sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment, Bridewel whipping is but a pastime. I called for Sack, having never tasted any, and hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the House much admired, that so small an Urchin as I should call for such costly Liquor. They viewed me very inevitively, but more especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. At length they began to ask me divers Questions, Whence I came? whither I was going? What was contained within that Cascanet? and the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the Heu and Cry overtook me: Presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure taken from me: That which vext me as much as my Surprizal, was, I had not time to try what kinde of taste the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one spending his verdict on me. This is a prime young Rogue indeed to begin thus soon, said one, could he have seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something thence. Another said, Forward fruit was soon rotten; and since I began to steal whilest a childe, I should be hanged before I should write Man . Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came, and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my age, and fewness of years, procured pity from my injured Master. Confined I was within his house, lockt up close prisoner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my Mother with what had past: in this time I was not debarred of my sustenance, though my Commons were epitomized, but I was daily visited by my Master, attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so many small cords, with which he fleyed my buttocks; and when he found me stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my podix, he would wash it with Vinegar, or Water and Salt. Within a week my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that she would needs take me to task her self; but when she had untrust me, and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with blood, and my tender breech, ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she had been about to expire; recovering, my Master endeavored to satisfie her, by telling her, that great offences, required great punishments; and the way to bend an Oak, is to do it whilest it is young; alleadging many more arguments to that purpose, which had satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection interposed. What to do with me, she knew not; wherefore she consulted with my Master, who told her, He durst not keep me longer, the country people bringing in daily complaints against me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly summ'd up my faults in this manner; having had justly various accusers, who drew up my Indictment.

Imprimis, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng'd of her, knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak'd) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, and melted some glew, and taking up her coats, with a brush dipt in the glew, gently stroakt her—till that I had closed up: the Maid not presently waking, it had so cemented the part, that the collaterals were not easily to be disjoyned. The wench starting up to make water, found her self unable; she thought at first she had been bewitcht, till more plainly the cause of this stoppage did appear, was at last with great loss, pain and difficulty cured. That he going about to correct me for this obscene and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very shitten trick, which put him into a stinking condition; for having made my self laxative, on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon a boys back, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time sureverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had lik'd to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left. That another time I had watcht some lusty young Girles, that used in Summer-nights about twelve a clock, to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths, making them dance home after me stark naked, to the view of their sweet-hearts, whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he recounted, which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on Christmas-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth, I askt the Maid to taste, to see how I liked them: I that I should, she said, (this was the Maid I had so served before with glew) and with that takes up a ladle full, and did bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should, she pours down the scalding Pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the Jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I liked them; but I verily believed I had swallowed the Gunpowder-Plot, expecting every moment to be blown up. I took as little notice of this passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness. I observed the Maid to carry this Plumb-pottage-pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard wound up a great height under a great Pain-house, the Jack being down, I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the Pot to the line; so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it: The Maid averred, that she see it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with Puritanism) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that Festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming Miracle vanished by the descending of the Pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choice Aprecocks, not above an half-score, which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their Rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my Master lookt out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon, he instantly summoned us together: being met, I quickly understood his intention, therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys Pocket; I had no sooner done it, but we were commanded to be search'd: I was very forward to be the first, though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangely he look'd, distorting his face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incensed Master, but real pity from me; for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like Childish rogueries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; therefore I shall return where I left off. Whilest my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me, I gave her the slip, resolving to run the resk of Fortune, and try whether mine own endeavours would supply my necessities.

CHAP. III.

 

How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in one whole years Ramble.

It was in August when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the fairness of the Season much favoured my Enterprise: thinking I should always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with necessity, I went on very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts, esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much the more, having not my liberty controul'd. When night approached it seemed very uncouth and strange, finding, instead of a Feather-bed, no other thing to lie on but a Haycock, and no other coverlid but the Canopy of Heaven. However, this disturbed not my rest, for I slept profoundly. In the morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a shower of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my disconsolate, and almost heart-broken Mother, lamenting my loss, and that I was travelling I knew not whither moneyless, especially finding the grudgings of hungers gripings. Methought I began to loath my aforenamed Manna, and longed to taste of the Flesh-pots, but the Devil a bit could I get but what the hedges afforded me. Night came on, which put me in mind of procuring a lodging somewhat warmer then the other. A Barn presently offered its self to my sight, which , 19 I accosted, and without delay tumbled my self over head and ears in fresh straw. I had not laid there above an hour before I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I saw a many strange creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet shut in. My thoughts presently reminded me that I had heard talk of Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that which confirmed me in this belief, was their talking to one another in a language I understood not, (but since, I understand it to be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out aloud, Great God, have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me; and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I, ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming him the happiest man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing them following me, imagined these Devils would hunt me so long that I should not escape, wherefore I fell instantly on my knees and prayed: the Gypsies quickly overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Language I understood, bidding me not be affraid; and if I would accompany them, I should fare as they did. I could not be perswaded, either to believe or trust them longer then that night, spending the time either in boozing, or wapping, such terms as they use, that is, either drinking or whoring, promiscuously lying one with another: for this canting Crew allow of Community, it being free for any to make choice of what Doxie he liketh best, changing when he pleaseth. They ply'd me oft with Rum-booz, and pleased me so well in giving me a young Rum Mort to dally with, that I was much delighted in their conversation, resolving to list my self one of that ragged Regiment: For pennyless and Friendless I then was, and by that two days slenderness of diet, I judged how great my wants would be, if I took not some course for a livelihood, having not wherewithal to spend, or means to defray my necessary expence.

, 21

CHAP. IV.

 

Wherein he Relates what manner of People they were into whose Society he entered himself; division of their Tribes, Manners, Customs, and Language.

As soon as I had resolved to travel the Country with them, they fitted me for their company, by stripping me, and selling my proper garments, and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn'd about me, giving a stitch here and there, according as necessity required. We used not when we entered our Libkin, or Lodging, to pull off our cloaths; which had I been forced to do, I could never have put them one again, nor any, but such who were accustomed to produce Order out of a Babel of rags. Being now a le mode de Tatterdemallion, to compleat me for their purpose, with green Walnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an Egyptian. Before we marcht on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of Ruffeler, the next to him vpright-man, the rest in order thus:


Hookers, (alias) Anglers. Prigges.
Priggers of Prancers. Swadlers.
Pallyards. Curtals.
Fraters. Irish. toyle.

Swigmen. Dommerars.
Jarkemen. Glymmerer.
Patri-Coes. Bawdy-Baskets.
Kitchin-Coes. Autem-Morts.
Abram men. Doxies.
Whip-Jacks. Dells.
Counterfeit-Cranks. Kitchin-Morts.


We mustered above Threescore old and young; and because we were too great a company to march together, we were divided into three Squadrons. The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what course they steered. For like wilde Foul we flie one after another, and though we are scattered like the Quarters of a Traytor, yet like water when cut with a Sword, we easily come together again. As the Switzer hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars; or like a Scotch Army, where every Soldier almost hath the Geud wife, and the Bearns following him: So we had every one his Doxy or Wench, who carried at her back a Lullaby cheat, and it may be another in her arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turns to put them in a pair of Panniers, like Green Geese going to Market, or like Fish in Dossers coming from Rye. Where note, that each division hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens. Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to allure the Countrey people unto us, which most commonly produced their desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us in great quantities, and then was our time to make our markets. We pretended an acquaintance with the Stars (as having an Alliance , 23 to the Egyptian Magi, the Founders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate were our Familiars, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a belief, that we could tell their Fortunes by inspection into either hands or faces; whilest we were seriously looking thereon, one of our Diving Comrades pickt their Pockets, or with a short sharp Knife, and a Horn on the Thumb, nipt their bungs. By asking the silly Milk-maids questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions: Then would they admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions, by which means, among some we gained a great respect, accompanied with fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such Stratagems, they could never acquire so much repute among the judicious, as well as vulgar capacities. And because it falls in so pat to my present purpose, I shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief account of some fallacies, some Star-gazing Impostors use to work their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who raised his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below the reception of such, who came for satisfaction in the Astrological Resolution of Questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, That his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the person would be pleased to wait a little while, till that business was dispatched; he questioned not but that his Master would render him a satisfactory account of what he demanded: Adding farther, (to infuse into him faith, to credit what he said) That though report had spoken largely, (and yet nothing but what this Artist hath merited) yet all came far short of his real desert, having done such stupendious things, that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized to Eternity, and admired by future ages. In the mean time, this servant endeavored to pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which having understood, he gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing a Bell. This item being given, the Querent is called up, and before ever he can frame his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him, saying, I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your self the labor to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a VVatch, a Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business, whither Marriage, or an Imployment, or any such like common question . This makes the Artist be wondered at; and then erecting a Scheme, positively and surlily tells him what he must expect. And that he might give answers more exactly concerning stoln goods, he was in constant fee with Thief takers, who from time to time, made him a report of what persons were robbed, what the things were, and many times gave him a description of the Fellon. By these practices, men believed every word he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged with the resort of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus fallaciously. One story very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this my digression. One day a young Gentleman (out of a mean estate) came to him, who was more credulous then wise, and more inquisitive then prudent; and having not that wealth which his prodigality required, desired instructions what course he was best to steer to arrive at the Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and therefore judged him a fit subject for Female fancies to work upon. Sir (said he) I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave your patience for a little while, for a matter of this weight must not precipitately be undertaken: wherefore if you please to see me to morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service. Being just gone, it happened that a Stale Maid, who had more money then beauty, and less discretion then lechery, came to be resolved of him, When she should be married: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:) viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy, and nearly related to persons of Quality. Madam, (said he) I shall endeavour your satisfaction, and so withdrew into his Closet. Having staid a while, bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking thereon, he thus unridled the mysterious meanings of the Celestial Bodies. Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits of amorous Visitants (this he gathered from the deformity of her Phisiogminy) they all knowing your indifferency to change your condition, but upon considerable grounds, by which means you have almost frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but almost, (said she) not altogether: for it troubled her very much to hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married life. No, (he replied, for if to morrow by four of the Clock in the Afternoon; you go into Moorfields, and take a turn or two in the Userers Walk) you shall there meet with a person rich and handsome, that at first sight shall fall in love extreamly with you: slight him not, neither deny him his conjugal proposal; if you do, it will be too late to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair flaxen, of a middle Stature. Her joy had like to have transported her beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave. The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him: but before he went, he made him give him a Bond of 200l. to be paid upon the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman: which he gladly consented to, and paid that very sum within ten days after: for according to the directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ'd to him, as he had been before to her, who at the first sight of each other, were incapable of containing themselves, but mutually imbraced (after three or four words past) as if he had been her ( quondam) Dearly Beloved, returned from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective lodgings till their marriage was consummated. But to return where I left off.

Thus we rambled up and down the Country; and where the people demean'd themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geese, Hens, Pigs, or any such mandible thing we met with, made us satisfaction for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge most commonly was very bloody, and so merciless; that whatever fell into our hands, never escaped alive, and in our murders so cruel, that nothing would satisfie us but the very hearts-blood of what we killed. The usual sacrifices of our inplacable revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, &c. All which we handled more severely then prisoners are by Serjeants, when they are not paid their unjust Demands. Fees, I should have said, but that by experience I have found, they walk not according to the Rules of ancient Constitutions, but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate wills, which is their Law, which poor Prisoners must indulge, (though they rack their slender credits, or pawn their cloaths) or else they must expect less kindness from them, then a condemned person about to be tyed up by the Hangman, who will stay till he is ready to be turned off. A Goose coming among us, we have a trick to make him so wise, as never to be a Goose again: But let the wisest use what tricks they can, they never shall make some Serjeants honest men. We seize the prey, and leave the Tragical part to our Morts or Women to act: the Stage on which they perform their parts, is either some large Heath, or Firz-bush-Common, far from any House. This being done, and night approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houses of Rest, which are most usually Out-barns of Farmers and Husbandmen, which we make choice of in some poor stragling Village, who dare not deny us, for fear ere the morning they finde their Thatcht-houses too hot to hold them. These Barns serve us in stead of Cook-Rooms, Supping Parlours, and Bed-Chambers; having Supt, (most commonly in a plentiful manner) we cannot Couch a Hogshead, that is to say, Sleep, without good store of Rhum-booze, that is, Drink; and having sufficiently warmed our brains with humming Liquor, which our Lower (Silver) shall procure; if our deceitful Maunding (begging) cannot, we then sing a Catch or two in our own Language, of which we had good store; which for their baudry I omit: However, give me leave to instance one Canting Song, and I shall wave the rest, being loath to tire you too much with one thing.



Bing out bien Morts, and toure, and toure,
   Bring out bien Morts, and toure;
For all your Duds are bing'd awast,
   The bien Cove hath the loure.
I met a Dell, I view'd her well,
   She was benship to my watch;
So she and I did stall, and cloy,
   whatever we could catch.
This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,
   And wap well for a win;
And prig and cloy so benshiply,
   All the Deuses-vile within.
The boyle was up, we had good luck,
   In Frost for and in Snow:
When they did seek, then did we creep,
   And plant in Ruff-mans low.
To Strawling Ken the Mort bings then,
   To fetch loure for her cheats;
Duds and Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman beck,
   And won by Maunders feats.
Ye Maunders all, stow what you stall,
   To Rome Coves what so Quire,
And wapping Dell, that niggles well,
   And takes loure for her hire.
And Jybe well jerkt, teck rome confect,
   For back by glymmar to Maund;
To mill each ken, let Cove bing then,
   Through Ruff-mans, Jague, or Laund,
Till Cramprings quire tip Cove his hire,
   And Quire Ken do them catch:
A canniken, mill quire Cuffen,
   So Quire to ben Coves watch.
Bien Darkmans then, Bouse Mort and Ken,
   The bien Coves bings awast,
On Chates to trine by Rome-Coves dine,
   For his long lib at last.
Bing'd out bien Morts and toure, and toure,
   Bing out of the Rome vile bine,
And toure the Cove that cloyd your duds,
   Upon the Chates to trine.

Having even wearied our selves with drinking and singing, we tumbled promiscuously together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our selves to one constant Consort, we make use of the first that comes to hand; by which means Incests and Adulteries become our pastimes. By this means I grew weary of their practices, and therefore resolved to desert them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self, which was in a short time; wherefore at the present I shall say no more of them, onely give me leave to give some small account of their Language. The first Inventor of Canting, as I am informed, was hanged about fourscore years since: such Gibberish was never heard of before, since which time, there hath not been wanting such, who have taken pains in the pollishing, refining, and augmenting that Language of the Devils Imps. It is a confused invention of words; for its Dialect I cannot finde to be grounded on any certain Rules; and no wonder, since the Founders and Practicers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourishers of Disorder. Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may observe some kinde of form, and some words do retain something of Scholarship, as Togeman a Gown, from Toga; Pannam , from Panis, Bread; Casan, Caseus, Cheese. The monosyllable Cheat, we use as a Relative, as Nab, a Head; Nab-cheat, a Hat, &c. Cove or Cuffin is in general terms a Man; but by adding bien, which signifies good, or well, or Quire, which is wicked or Knavish; you make the word Cove signifie an Honest man, or a Justice of Peace. Pardon the expression, for they call a Justice Quier-Cuffin; that is to say, as before-mentioned, a wicked, knavish, or foolishman. To conclude, I shall here insert this little Canting Vocabulary Alphabetically.


Autem Mort A Married Woman
Abram Naked
Abram Cove A Tatterdemallion
Autem A Church
Bughar A Cur
Bouse Drink
Bousing Ken An Ale-house
Borde A Shilling
Boung A Purse
Bien Good or well
Benshiply Very well
Benar Better
Bing To go
Bing a waste To go away
Bube The Pox
Bufe A Dog
Bleating cheat A Sheep
Belly cheat An Apron
Betty An Instrument to break a door.
Cove A Man
Cuffin A Man

Cuffin Quire A Justice of Peace
Cramprings Bolts or Shackles
Chats The Gallows
Canke Dumb
Crackmans Hedges
Calle A Cloak
Togeman A Cloak
Joseph A Cloak
Couch To lye or sleep
Couch a Hogshead To go to sleep
Commißion A Shirt
Cackling cheat A Chicken
Cassan Cheese
Crash To kill
Crashing cheats Teeth
Cloy To steal
Cut To speak
Cut bien whids To speak well
Cut quire whids To speak evilly
Confeck Counterfeit
Cannakin The Plague
Cly the Jerk To be whipt
Clapperdogeon A Begger born
Culle A Sap-headed Fellow
Dimber Pretty
Damber Rascal
Drawers Stockings
Duds Goods
Deusea-vile The Countrey
Dommerar A Madman
Darkmans Night or Evening
Doxie A Wench
Dell A Wench

Dock To Swive
Wap To Swive
Deuswins Two pence
Dup To enter
Earnest A part
As tip me my Earnest Give me my part or share
Frummagem Choakt
Filch A Staff
Ferme A Hole
Fambles Hands
Famble cheats Rings or Gloves
Fib To beat
Flag A Groat
Fogus Tobacco or Smoke
Glymmer Fire
Glaziers Eyes
Grannam Corn
Gentry Mort A Gallant Wench
Gan A Lip
Gage A Pot or Pipe
Grunting cheat A Sucking Pig
Giger A Door
Gybe Any Writing or Pass
Harmanbeck A Constable
Harmans The Stocks
Heave a Booth To rob an House
Half bord Six pence
Hearts ease A twenty shillings piece
Jocky A Flayl or Mans Privities
Jague A Ditch
Jarke A Seal
Ken An House
Kinchin Little
Kinchin Cove A little man
Kate A Pick-lock
Loure Money
Lightmans Morning or day
Lib To tumble
Libken An House to lie in
Lage Water
Libbege A Bed
Lullabie-cheat A Childe
Lap Pottage
Maunder To Beg
Maunders Beggers
Margery Prater An Hen
Mill To steal
Make An half-penny
Mynt Gold
Muffling cheat A Napkin
Mumpers Gentile Beggers
Nab An Head
Nab-cheat An Hat
Nap To take Or cheat
Palliard One whose Father is a Begger born
Paplar Milk-Pottage
Prats Thighs
Prigg To Ride
Peckidge Meat
Pannam Bread
Plaut To lay or hide
Prigging Riding
Prancer An Horse
Prating cheat A Tongue

Plant your whids Have a care what you say
Quarron A Body
Quacking cheat A Duck
Quier Wicked or Roguish
Quier-Ken A Prison
Quier-Mort A Pocky Jade
Quier-Cove A Rogue
Romboyle A Ward or Watch
Rome Gallant
Rome-vile London
Rome-Mort A Gallant Girl
Ruffin The Devil
Ruffler An over-grown Rogue
Ruffe-peck Bacon
Red-shanke A Mallard
Rom-pad The High-way
Rome-padders High-way-men
Rome-Culle A Rich Coxcomb
Stamps Legs
Scoure To wear
Skew A Dish
Slate A Sheet
Strommel Straw or Hair
As; she hath good store of Strommel on her Merkin Anglice, &c.
Skepper A Barn
Stow your whids Be wary
Stalling-Ken A Brokers House, or an House to receive stollen Goods.
Smelling-cheat A Garden
Solomon The Mass
Toure To look out
, 35
Tib o' th' Buttery A Goose
Tip To give
The Mort tipt me a wink The Whore gave me a wink
Trine Tyburn
Trining Hanging
Tick-Rome A License
Tres wins Three pence
Win A Penny
Yarum Milk


Thus much for a taste: I think it not worth my pains to insert all those Canting words which are used; it is enough that I have here divulged what words are most in use. Having now deserted this Tawny Crew, I resolved to betake my self to a new Trade; which you shall understand in this following Discourse.

CHAP. V.

 

How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ'd therein. What Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious Art.

Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, then its character; and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions, suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav'd nature, what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shamefac'dness (once my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull'd but one thread out of her garment, all the rest unravell'd; and she not brooking her nakedness, changed her master, and so totally , 37 left me. In this condition as I travelled, I begg'd with very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one, whose long practice in this Art, (besides the Observations of his Predecessors, deriving his Pedegree in a direct line from Prince Prigg) indu'd him with so much skill, as to furnish me with the knowledge of any thing that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We straight betook our selves to the Boozing-Ken; and having bubb'd rhumly, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Then did he recount to me the most material things observeable in our Profession. First, he tun'd my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion; then he told me when we came to London, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some, always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of Estate and Limbs of such as deny'd me Alms; but more especially pronounce a God bless your Master, and let heaven reward what you have here done on earth, if any thing bestowed upon me. If any should pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I should wear them no longer then in the Donors sight, reserving my rags to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform'd me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter'd rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of such as have: but we had no occasion for this fallacie. That If I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but what was of small value, one half-peny, farthing, or some broken crust, pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for then will those that pass by, judg I have no other lodging but what a stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons, and so continue begging till the evening: when it beginneth to be duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants; and as handsail to my new Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way, and only frequented Villages; nay, we were forc'd to avoid the High-ways: for Travellers observing our garb, countenances, and weapon, which was a battoon, suspecting us, would before they came near us, set spurs to their horses, and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries , 39 we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore, I shall pass them over; only this I shall intent.

Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on a Tinker and his Trull lying by an Hedeg-side; I askt them what, they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and of a vast proportion. I desired them to shew us the place of his residence, which they readily consented to. Instead of this Venomous Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a Cup of double-brew'd Beer was sold. The people lik'd the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we shew'd them money: For our Vestments look'd like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the Woman asleep: she had not slept long, but up she started, pull'd up her coats, and piss'd in the middle of the room, and so sat her self down, yet awaked not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having gotten a greater load then he could well carry. Now had my wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the strength of the drink had almost over-powered me, insomuch that I was forc'd to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he himself being not in the least disturb'd. This was his advice; he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by the heels, clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so long, that the Pail had like to have prov'd the Ferry-boat that should waft me over the Stygian Lake; however, coming to my self, I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we thought it high time to be gone; but first we resolv'd to make some sport, as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I ty'd to each of their Girdles behind a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more then ordinary speed, ran into the room where the Tinker and his Lady were: he suddenly awakt them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and ran to over-take us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the Tinker, crying, Stop 'em, stop 'em; the Hoste bearing the same note, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot. This Out-cry soon alarm'd the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the Tinkers Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.



Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,
To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.
Wit acts far greater things. I'll say no more;
Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore.

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:



'Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:
The vent being stopt, the Drink wrought through the Bung.
Yet 'twas a Viper sure; I heard him hiss:
I lookt, and found him all dissolv'd to Piss.
Had her Brass Squire but stopt her Leak at last,
She had not let her Liquor out so fast.

From hence we went straight for London, where we soon arriv'd.

CHAP. VI.

 

Coming to London, he enters himself into the society of Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, Ben-feakers, Dommerars, Clapperdogeons, &c. With a short description of their Manners and Customes; as also a Relation of a piece of Theft he committed.

Coming up to London, we straightway betook our selves to Newington-Butts; but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends in Kent-street; here they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aime was to make counterfeit Sores or Cleymes, according to the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it: They took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron; these being well temper'd together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of Leather, which they applyed to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all raw; then did they take blood, and rub'd it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black; the Sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish, clouts. He soon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children (the fitter for our purpose) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and me a good lusty Filch or Stick, with a hole at the end thereof, to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off Hedges, &c. Away we went into Moor-fields: he would have made me a Cleyme too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness. Coming into th'Fields, he planted me in a convenient place, the Doxie with her Lullaby-cheats in another, and himself in a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the others Maunding at the rebound: I observ'd my Friend and Rogue diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of, was the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added a most doleful noise, to this effect; For Gods-sake, some tender-hearted Christians, cast through your merciful eyes, one pitiful look, upon a sore, lame, and miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him; which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying on a Butchers stall: the woman that kept the Shop, was telling a Gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice; and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad casts of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him; whereupon he ask'd the woman what she valued her Beef at? Why (said she) I would not have abated a penpy of five shillings. Take heed what you say, good woman, (said he) for should you swear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir, (said she) I would not hang him for a world. Then said his Worship, You must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny; whereupon the Butchers wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the Justices Kitching, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my Mittimus was made, and I therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought she should have her Beef, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: Sir, (said she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how! (said he) did not you swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c. Make her Mittimus, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the Woman, that she was content to loose her Beef. I am sure I wished those that did eat it, choaked; for never did Roman Catholick endure greater and severer Penance for eating Flesh on Good-fryday, then I for coveting this; I have lov'd a Capon the better for it ever since. Being freed out of Goal by some of our Society, I fell to the old Trade again.

CHAP. VII.

 

A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him, conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his servant.

One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten not one penny that day, (there being also a civil War between my Guts and Stomack) a Tradesman, of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I intended? I answered him with well-contriv'd forgeries, that seemed to give him good satisfaction; liking well both my speech and understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended Mistress, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service; at which she blest her self, saying, Prethee, Sweet-heart, from what dung-hill didst thou pick up this Shakerag, this squire of the body? (for I am sure I had but few cloaths on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, Rest your self satisfied, since it is my pleasure this shall be so: neither can I give you any reason for my fancy. Whereupon he commanded me to be stript, and well washed, in the mean time cloaths were provided for me. It was my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dismantled; & after I was washed, she commended the whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent, approv'd (within her self) of something else; for I was then a stubbed Lad. Being new cloathed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how strangely did this vain blast puffe up my empty pate! However, I was resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state I was then in, not yet well setled. Wherefore, I behaved my self very respectfully towards him, and served him as punctually as I could, endeavouring that my service should require his kindness in as great a measure as my abilities could perform.

My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even in the meanest services; so officious to her, that her Chamber-maid could not perform much more. The Maid-servants I obliged also, by doing their duty; by which I so ingratiated my self among them, that I alwayes had their good estimation among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion served. Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that means involv'd my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to my self. For by medling in others matters, I should breed animosity among them, and reap just hatred to my self. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime, That nothing more recommends a man, then a silent tongue, (unless necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a faithful heart. My Master, in an humour, would sometimes find fault with me, but then it was my chiefest care not to reply, knowing, that what should be alleadged as to my just vindication, would but aggravate his spirits being passionate, alwayes punctually performing what was commanded me. A strange alteration, you will say; but all this was only to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What though I underwent a great deal of pains, and endured, or tryed my patience to the heighth? yet I gain'd much in the end, had God given me grace rightly to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it. So much credit I had gain'd with my Master, by my civil behaviour, that he raised me gradatim, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick, he caused a Master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts, which was the thing I aim'd at, intending thereby the prosecution of mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real kindness to me undeserv'd: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Master erected for the perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty.



View oft this Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,
A Servant faithful, and his Master kind.

CHAP. VIII.

 

How he came acquainted with lewd and and vicious Apprentices. What Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting.

I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours man intruded himself into my acquaintance. He met on a time abroad, and would not be deny'd but he must needs fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow this Ralph the Drawer is; which words he had no sooner utter'd, but I heard him cry at the Bar, A Pint of White-wine in the Rose score; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his Master would discover the cheat, and therefore made haste, making but two draughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, crying it, Right,, but bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: Now, Gentlemen, (said he) using your discretion, you may sit and talk freely, without either fear or suspition. Then my Neighbour Thomas told me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time, could be drunk for six pence a piece. Come, come, you are but a Novice, said he; but if you will be ruled by me, I will shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay, more jovially then our Masters. They may be distracted with cares how to procure neceßaries, pay Rent, and satisfie Creditors, whilest we have none of these preßures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh word, or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too. It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, restrained from our liberty too: 'Tis onely by day then, we will be Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth, or the delectation of our insatiate senses.

I asked him how could this be done? He answered, If I would swear to be secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the Society, he would not onely tell me how all this (afore recited) might be performed, but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used to congregate. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of Delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy. First, he informed me, that I must insinuate my self into the Maids favor, so that, when the occasion shall require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else sit up , 51 for your return. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness. If she be modest and continent, onely kiss her, often repeating this thing to her: O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing else, but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgment I have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come, wherein I shall make full satisfaction for all, &c. If she be bucksome, or wantonly given, she will never be content with hopes; wherefore you must kiss, hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a Pish, a Fye, or Pray be civil; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigorously, she will prompt you her self, to try what mettle you are made of. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we are, there are few among us, but what are of several Trades, selected, as Linnen-Drapers, Mercers, Woollen-Drapers, Silkmen, Hosiers, Haberdashers, Merchants, Grocers, Goldsmiths, Jewellers, Ribband-sellers, Exchangemen, to which add a Drawer and an Oylman, the one to furnish us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. Every one brings his several Commodities, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants, either to supply his own occasion, or his Mistress: For it is to be supposed such a thing must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the destruction of our Masters Estates, and ruine of our bodily health.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven night at the place appointed and so we parted. Come home, I immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first, taking notice of what Goods we had greatest quantity, and whatsoever Commodity my Master forgot he had, I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I would try him; There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not fixd it: it may be he would say, we had it not; suiting my design according to desire. Having taken a thorow view of the Shop and Warehouse, I saw so may ways of advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as well as the most forward of them all.

The next thing I had to do, was to endear my self to the chief Maid, who was one of those that assisted to wash me; and as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a compliance, her complexion or temperament forcing her acceptance of any thing amorously inclined: the colour of her Hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reason) I love above any: her Skin (as the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish Hair) was as white as Whiteness it self: her Cheeks naturally painted with Vermilion; plump where her Checks and Lips with a Mole thereon, and a dimple in her Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate her self to the service of Venus. Besides, her small round Breasts by their hearing and setting, seemed to speak what motion she liked best, panting out the ardency of her desire from her very heart, to understand one of the main intents of her Creation, to wit, to Increase and Multiply.

, 53

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having business of importance to impart to her in private: she condescended to my proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their rest, her impatience to hear what I would say made her soon send the rest to bed. The house being thus clear'd, and all things silent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick I could invent, still touching that string which produced Loves harmonious concord: So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjeal'd Iceness of her Chastity: but first there were mutual Articles deciprocally drawn and agreed unto; viz.

That if she proved with Child, I should marry her.

That I should devote my self to her service, and nones else.

That we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the enjoyment of each other.

That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that without suspition in private we might fall in: throwing oft-times bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because she would not be deprived of the Grißel. So great was our seeming feud sometimes, that our Master was call'd in to part us.

After this, I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she faithfully and punctually promised to observe. Then we seal'd, though without witnesses.

The night was come wherein I was to meet according to promise. I acquainted my Amoretta with my intention of going out at twelve a clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to bed, but arose at the hour promised. The first time I would not carry any Commodities with me, resolving to see first what they did. Being come to the house, I was introduced by my Neighbour Thomas into a private back-rorm, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to see such variety of Wares lie upon a long table, as Silks, Stuffs, Cloth Linnen and Woolen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Scarfs, and the like. Some of them came to me, and wellcomed me as a Brother, drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.

Most of the company being met, they truckt with each other according to their convenience. Several things were offered me; I told them I had brought nothing to retaliate in lieu: they told me my credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should have occasion to make use of me in the like nature. I took with me onely such things as might be proper to bestow at home, to whom I had lately enlarged my affections; which I presented her with, accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying affection. She accepted of my kindness with much gratitude, but thought she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her private and then particular favours. I could easily discern her inclinations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me, the palpetation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with her in the same desires; so that with much facility we two , 55 made a Conjunctive Copulative. Having sported our selves sufficiently, (as I thought) yet nothing would content her but lying together. I soon assented to it, though to the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I desired her to go up first, telling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I thought she was in bed, up marcht I the stairs, which creakt as if they had conspired the discovery of our lechery. Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my foot, (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been another, it descended with such precipitation, that I made the house Eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master (and the Maid lay in a Trundle-bed underneath him) and my Mistress lay, was right against this stair-head. My Master had taken a dose more then ordinary of Sack, so that this noise awak'd him not: my Mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined Thieves had broken in; she endeavoured to wake her Husband, by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie still, and expect the event. In the mean time I lay perdue , stirring not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again. The Maid, tyr'd out with hot service a little before, and concluding I durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident, fell immediately into a profund sleep. Finding (after a considerable time) all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cryed, Where art? Here, here, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the sound came as near as I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place: the same words being repeated, conveyed me exactly to that side of the bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a thousand times, using then all the alluring and loving expressions I could invent, not perceiving my mistake. I made all the hast I could (and all too little) to undress my self; which was done in an instant: opening the Cloths to come to bed, Hold, said my Mistress, I have a Bed-fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was onely as a tryal, to understand what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this night, and I shall talk with you further to morrow. I durst not reply, not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own chamber, possest with fear and shame. I nothing but tost and tumbled, taking not the least rest.

In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more then ordinary diligent. But Lord, what a confusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: so busie was I with my back towards her, that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said, Indeed, you take too much pains, you are too laborious; fair and softly; there is a great while to night yet: desist a little; I must have a word with you. Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for from thence I received a most alluring smile, in stead of a killing frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these expressions.

Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self in a great error: but if you will consider that the cause thereof was irresistable, I hope you will in some measure mitigate my crime. My very Youthfulness speaks my apology. You cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes boyls beyond its bounds. Besides, the temperature of my Body (being of a Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire.

She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but laying aside her wonder, she bid me tell her the whole, and what Contract we had concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the Maids forwardness, and that I onely designed to surprize her unexpected. This Sophistry of mine did not in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit, and quick understanding, soon searching out the truth, tracing every meander, finding it out at last, though involved in a labyrinth of obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to conceal it, and desired me, instead of commands, to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our persons. Adding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth and power, should command my love, and finally eternize my terrestrial happiness; and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their operations.

Forty five years had not totally destroy'd her beauty, but there was still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high extraction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she had at her own disposal) whispered in my ear more then a common felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imagination, which were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret them advantagiously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to acquiesce, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.

CHAP. IX.

 

What devices he found out to Cheat his Master; and what ways he had to spend it lavishly, at unseasonable hours, on Wine, Wenches, &c.

The time being come again, for the meeting my snipping Brethren, I went prepar'd with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come well fraught, my Merchants presently clapt me aboard, resolving not to let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was soon agreed on to our mutual contents. Then like true sons of Bacchus , we bucculed about, wishing him that pledged it not in a dark rainy night on a tired Jade, bare ridg'd in a dirty lane, with a pocky Whore behinde him, and his own bones rotten, within nine Miles from an house, not knowing one step of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket. This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles like so many Thimbles-full. Half a dozen of these apiece, were a preludium to our Supper, which usually was composed of the choicest Viands. Neither could we eat, without our Female Consorts, whom Wine and Musick waited on. After Supper, we fel again to our old Bacchanalian sport, dancing, or privately treating our Mistresses at a veneral Banquet. When we had drank our selves to sobriety, and satiated our lustful appetites, we betook our selves to our respective habitations, our Masters not dreaming of our Night-Revellings. Our own expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our Mad Dames put us to; which were so great (though they made me rack my invention to supply their pretended necessities) that all my various endeavours could not answer their expectations. I had had taken my Gentlewoman a Chamber, for which I paid three shillings a week, and upon the bare promise of a Whore, that she would prove constant to me, I allowed her a weekly pension besides; I never came to receive a private favour, but I must return her for it some special and particular courtesie; as a Scarf, an Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any time of paying my promised Tribute, I should be severely check'd, nay, sometimes threatned, That I had undone her; she refusing, for my sake, many eminent Matches; that she saw her self meerly deluded, and therefore would endure it no longer; telling my Master our whole proceedings. If I had performed the main, and not presented her when I came with some other gratuity, as a work of Supererrogation, she would deride my Courtship, telling me, I was an empty fellow, that I bestowed my favours on others, and that made me so sparing to her. When she thought she had sufficiently netled me, (fearing to strain my passion too high) then a little comply, clapping me on the cheeks, (and clapt me somewhere else too after) calling me, Smock-fac'd Rogue: come hither Sirrah, I know what you would have, I'le save your longing. Such sweetned words soon overpowred my sourness; and notwithstanding my intended hardness, I could not forbear melting in her Arms. We durst not take much time in dalliance, my duty calling me home; but I regarded not that so much as to preserve my Masters good opinion of me. Mine, and my Females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I heard any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that purpose; if a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like: Sometimes telling my friend, That I was acquainted with one, that would sell me a far cheaper penny worth then any one else; other times, that such an one owed me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and hedge in mine own moneys. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance I guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my Master should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it into his Till. I could not sleep, for thinking how I might be intimately acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of Curling-irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my Curling-irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extasie for joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the money to the mouth of the Scotch: now, because there was many times so much, that it would not come through, with a knife I would slide away piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrowness of the passage. I seldom brought up at a time less then three shillings, a good draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine act according to my desires, I could not be content without congratulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not to stay beyond my limited time: She consented, and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or two, and away we went to honest Ralph. Being glad to see us, planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for it. They all wondred to see me so frollick, but I thought it wisdom to conceal the depth of my practice from them.

After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little beyond my time. My Mistress was very well pleased, telling me, I should have leave another time, since I was so punctual. Those Bottles of Sack we drank, ran perpetually in my minde; for it was the very flower of Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtesie, and the goodness of that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterise a Bottle of Canary, thus.

THE CHARACTER OF A Bottle of Canary.

He is a Gentleman I assure you well extracted, which once lived like a Salamander in the midst of the flames, and had he not been burnt, he had never proved sound. He seems a Prodigy: For that which we live by, decays him; hating Air, as Bacchus hates small Beer. He will lie still if you smother him, and is never so well, as when his breath is stopt. Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain, yet neat: Though Nobly born, he scorne not to wear a Green Coat, with a badge on it; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his Coat. Though he wears for the most part one sort of Garb, yet he is never out of fashion, acceptable to the best of company, not regarding his outward dress, but valuing his inward worth: However, his Suit is made of admirable Stuff, for his outside never grows bearer, and his Linings are the fresher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing, that he rather chuseth to have his brains knockt out, then to have a rent in his Garment. He wears an a la mode Hat, as light (and almost as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none; but like the Quaker when brought before a Magistrate, hath it taken off for him.

As for his Pedegree, I know not how to derive it; for he hath had in him, the best and purest of the French Blood, but will now acknowledge his race onely from the Spaniard, whom he imitates, being stately, and standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never stirs abroad but when he is carried; yet full of activity. If he runs fast and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is seldom, for many looks to him; he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he receives. His credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score perpetually; his conditions are a riddle; there is in him pure vertue, and notorious vice; the quintescence of love, and the venome of hatred. He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in an year. Yet a very Coward, for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in society, and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and warm hand will raise him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies delights in him; he is fill'd with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent him, exhausting his radical moysture to distil it into Poetical Raptures; for conceits never run faster from the Limbick of their brain, then when this Gentleman adds fewel to the Furnace: he whets wit, yet dulls it; creates new fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a fluent tongue, and mutes him speechless: gives a Poet feet till he cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to Preach, so he likewise silenceth more then the Bishops. He hath a great many tricks in him: He will make a Falkner fly high within doors: Make a Huntsman catch a Fox by the fire side. Whatever he holds, is made good; and unless you mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he is often fluent beyond measure. All Tongues Court him, and those that look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: yet hold him up fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively belov'd, and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and incorporateth with their Wives daily. His kisses are so sweet, that they lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet 'tis not offensive. He is a true Good-Fellow, drinking till he hath no eyes to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but for want of it. He will drink till he be fill'd up to the very throat, and gape whilest others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man in England of his bulk, yet he will be soon drunk in Company: but if you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor, and drink fresh, till all the Company be forc'd to leave him. Drinking is his hourly exercise, seldom lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Upholder of Club-meeting, without fear of being broke. He picks mens Pockets, yet is never made more reckoning of then by such persons. As for his Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but what he gives others, it is held in Capite. What he possesseth, is commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, then for want; and if you can purchase him, you purchase all.

I could never endure Idleness, I was ever in action; I thought it better male agere quam nihil agere, my brains or hands were continually working. By this time our Maid found her self with Child: which news had like to have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never remedies, but rather adds trouble, I was resolved to bear it patiently, and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down into the Country speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew her duty to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as knowing that there was more then ordinary love between us; the Maid had staid as long as possibly she might without discovery, Lacing her self very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she made haste to rub off. I had provided a Midwife that should be her Bawd too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Childe very expensive: then did I begin to consider what a , 67 vast charge, and how many various troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that Object he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my self how to be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys I could, and so marry her, upon this condition she would be willing to travel with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed her of my intention to go for Virginia; and the reasons that introduced me thereunto.

First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have no power over me; insisting further on the pleasantness of that continent, and the plenty of every thing. &c.

She assented to all I propounded, relying herself solely on me to dispose of her as I pleased. To palliate my design, I went with her to Gravesend, pretending as if I was then going with her, for no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she had past that examination or search, she would meet with no more. Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have forgot something ashore; whereupon I told her I would return to her instantly. I got into the Boat, and immediately after the Ship weighed her Anchor, she was instantly under Sail, I confess notwithstanding the Devil had at that time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had done so hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so overwhelmed my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so sensible I was of the wickedness of this Fact, that, Dido like, I could have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose Husband was in the same Ship, prevented me. Observing my tears, 'Tis probable, Young Man, (said she) you have lately taken your leave of some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest looking after yond Ship under Sail, that the person was in her. I told her it was a truth My Husband is in the same Vessel (said she) and therefore I have as much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must part, and it is better to part here then at the Gallows. Go along with me, and we will wash down sorrow, and with a Glass of neat Canary, antidote our hearts against any thing that may disturb it.

With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing: an Ey-brow black also: and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a sign that never fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greatest delectation in Copulation. She was every way compleatly handsome. and suitable to the desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs. I thought it a shame to deny so kind a proffer, and a Crime in Youth unpardonable not to embrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into Venus her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and afterwards undrest together) declaring that the force of her Rhetorick, assisted by her external, beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had forced me to become her Proselyte, her absolutely Devoted Convert, and would prostrate my will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to solace our selves at the next Tavern. I applied my self to my old way of insinuation, which soon melted her, , 69 so that I saw I might when I pleased stamp Loves impression on her.

There was not any thing wanting that might please our senses. Fearing least that Oven I had heated might cool, I made ready my Batch: for such things are Soon cold, soon hot. Delays in Love-affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantaliz'd; there is a certain critical time to know their inclination; which if you punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires; if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity. Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike, giving her a taste for liking: being not satisfied, I was forc'd to stay her stomack till Supper. Men after such enjoyments are commonly stupified, dull, heavy, melancholly or sleepy: whereas she on the contrary was nothing but Air, agil, pleasant, nimble, and full of action. I cannot much wonder at it: for you know the Wheels of a Jack never move more merrily, then when they have been well oyled. To enliven my spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the next Room, because they should not be eye-witnesses of our dalliances: we could not but now and then bear a part with them, our Prick-song keeping time with their Instrumental Harmony. Having satiated all our Senses, we began to think of some repose, agreeing before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other; which were accordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed, I repaired to my Mistress, who eagerly expected my coming; approaching the Bed-side, she clasp'd me in her arms so strongly, that I thought she would have squeezed the very marrow out of my bones. Little sleep we enjoyed that night, she not suffering me to rest: As soon as day broke, I arose, bespeaking a fat Capon swadled with Sassages, and a Quart of Butter'd Sack, which might repair decayed strength, I got all ready by the time of her rising, applauding my industry and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilest she had a penny left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. Well, (said I) my Dear, since it is thy resolution, a Match; but let me be Steward: which she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought it was better for one to want then two; besides I had lately surfeited on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the Gravesend Barge was going off; which accordingly he did by a private sign concluded betwixt us. I had just so much time below to write here these lines instead of a solemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to present her, and so went aboard.

Madam,



By this you'll hear I'm gone and wonder much
That I should go, not taking t'other touch:
Inverted 'tis all one; for hence you know
When we both met, it was but touch and go.
I was so fierce at first, I soon was spent:
Storms and high winds are never permanent:
Yet for all this, I would have dreign'd your Fen.
Could this same work have been perform'd by men. , 71
I fainting in the enterprize, gave out:
Your Gold will fit me for another bout.
Hence be more wise; your fond belief doth shew,
That you may lose your hidden treasure too.

Arriving at Billingsgate, I went streight to a Tavern, where I had an interest with the Drawer, resolving there to consult seriously with my self what course to follow, being as yet unresolved what to do. After I had rais'd my dull'd spirits with a glass or two, I concluded to hazard my Masters good opinion, nay, and my Mistresses affection too; which though at that present it onely smoak'd, I might easily divine that in process of time it would burst forth into a flame. Being before confined to my Masters time, I began to consider what an excellent thing Liberty was, equally estimable with Health: which two, though they are the greatest and most precious gifts, (next our Redemption) the Creator of the world hath bestowed on Mankind, yet we poor Mortals, value them not, till we are sensible of their want by being deprived of them. This is an infallible Maxime, That the deprivation of a thing shall be so much evil, as the possession thereof is good. Now if Liberty be such an excellent and delectable thing when enjoyed, how miserable are those that want it?

Having Moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to experiment the enjoyment thereof, and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is most inclinable to. Now Man being a sociable Creature, I thought I should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my moneys, without an Associate: wherefore I sent to an Apprentice of my intimate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted me to ramble with him. This Lad was his Masters Casheer, which I knew would much assist my design. I made him acquainted with my intention of trying the world: Though it had been formerly his own motion, yet he seemed at the first something startled; but all his doubts I resolved, adding moreover, That to have our wills enslaved to other mens, was a thing insupportable, since that we were as well as they, created free Denizens of this world. I had no great occasion to make use of many Arguments to this purpose, for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him. The result of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two Knights-errant. I advised him forthwith to go home, and bring with him what Cash he had in his possession: which he readily performed, and indeed more then I could expect, being 200l. the Fates having so decreed to favour this our first bold exploit, as a tryal of what we durst attempt.

CHAP. X.

 

How he frequented Bawdy-Houses; what exploits he committed in them: The Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan: Their manner of living, with a Detection of their wicked lives and conversations.

Being full Fraught with Money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the cheif, we ranked Brothel-houses, which were our Repositaries. We seldom were seen in the streets by day, for fear of discovery, confining our selves close prisoners to some Bubbing-house : At night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to tangle in the spokes of the wheel, which turning so, drew it in: that for this fact, I had liked to have been executed on the wheel, had I not speedily unbuttoned my cloak: I was loath to bid the Coach-man stop, thinking I should have it at last, I ran Lacque-like a long way, but all my endeavors to shift it, proved inefffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, Hold Coachman. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And said moreover, That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me wel-favoredly. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick any old Watchmans Lanthorn about the street; but we had worse success with this then the former. Assoon as we had done this manful act, we betook our selves to flight, still escaping, till one time we mistook a young lusty nimble fellow, for an old, decrepid, dim-sighted old man, serving him as we had done the rest; but he was a little to quick footed, overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the Grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drownd that care: We had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs, Scarfs, and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Daming and sinking were the constant flourishes of their discourse, calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in disconsonate notes was their Harmony. Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height, these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought my self in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a companion; but when it appear: in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not stupified. Look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing always wide open: So this refuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul, to draw up the definition of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence, and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forrest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another Singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a Military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his victory. My stay was here so short, that I cannot insist upon particulars, referring you to its more ample description in another place. The next day paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but assoon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to Mother Cr— formerly famous for the Citizens wives that frequented her house; and still rides Admiral of all the rest of her Function about the Town. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best: As for her walking Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places: I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty, to set a greater edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room, bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with Salt meats to relish the Pallate, though we gave no order for them: But, it seems, it was the custom of the house, a chargeable one, but without a piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron, after the performance of our Devoir, she seats herself by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me her Son Smock-face. Having well warmed our selves with Wine, knowing that our bloods began to heat. Well, said she, I guess at the intent of your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course, and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances, that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure, shew then what stock ye came of: If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we'll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler. With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased; handsome she was, and very proportionable, but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. Ista femina qua limites verecundiæ semel exceßerit, opportet illam esse graviter impudentem. If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac'dness, she will seldom stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence, I must needs deal ingeniously, the Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone, and pointed directly to its proper centre: but her over-much willingness to prostitute her self to my desires, made too large a variation in the Magnet. Laying aside Metaphors drawn from terms of Art, if I might have had an hundred pounds I could not cause an erection. She did spit in her hand to make it moist, having been drawn dry, the Pole being never out of the Well; and when she kist me, it was open-mouth'd, interposing her tongue, which proclaimed her an ancient Practitioner. I found her body the very Tilted Lees of Pleasure; taste her, she is dead, and falls upon the Pallate. Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hospital, and stood rather in need of a Chyrurgeons acquaintance then mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them capitulating about the price of her Commodity, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor. Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon, for her trade is opposite to all others: For she did set up without credit, and her too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame or hope of repentance.

We desired to see another: 'Tis variety that Man cheifly takes delight in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of divers persons, then one alone, provided Matrimony make not the Act Legitimate: For illustration thereof, take these lines.



Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
   Is he that loves one single Whore:
Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
   Ty'd to one Mistress, and no more.

To Swive a thousand Whores makes no more crimes,
Then't doth to Swive one Whore a thousand times.

This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of Venus her chief Darlings, excellent Flesh: and she her self the Cook that drest it, spending most of her day time about it, that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was impatient till I had consummated my desires, with drawing into another room. To heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her Birth and Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned much cost and expence. She further insisted, that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her embraces, but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she refused with indignation, telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last, with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece, and so striving with her (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. I had not fully performed my work, but in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the room, though in the darkest night: For indeed, it appeared to me a Blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his Sword, he looked fiercer then a Spanish Don insulting over an Indian Slave. The bulk of his Body began to heave like an Earthquake, whilst his mouth, Etna like, belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun powder, and the Linstock of his Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, How darest thou Son of a Whore presume in this nature to dishonor me, in the abusing of my wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dißipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy insolence, and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach. With that he seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imaginging that he really intended to do what he pretended, for the safe-guard of my life, I took up a Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat, and following it home, rumbled him down the stairs, and not being able to recover my self, fell with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me, but he seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example, and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss, for the reckoning was very considerable.

Now because I have often met with these Hectors or Trapanning Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse, to insert their Character.

THE CHARACTER OF An Hector or Trapan.

A bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the ancient Heroes, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward from himself: For the opinion of Valor is a good protection to those that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him valiant, whereas he durst not do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained: his anger never swells higher then when men are loth to give him any occasion; but the onely way to pacifie him, is to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting he alwayes honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him, and every one dares that knows him, and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be brib'd into a reconcilement. Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse somthing of conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in displaying, resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots, though little contain'd in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and though other Landlords have but four Quarter-dayes he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems: He is well skill'd in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, A Woodcock must be pluckt ere he be drest. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for Half a Crown. No man puts his brain to more use nthe he; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a mear stratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an How do you? between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, offers a Pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in his Pockets, (as School-boyes with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Reckoning be paid, and, saies It must not be so, yet is easily perswaded to it; and then cryes, Gentlemen, you force me to incivility. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrowes of any that will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much; which some lend him, not out of hope to be repay'd, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him so long, till he force a good Nature to the necessity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak, that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as an infection; nay his old Companions, his Cloaths, that have hung upon him so long, at length fall off too. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may take effect that day, if not, that he may be drunk before night. He sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreames of nothing but Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought, lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, , 83 the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a Malefactor on the Gallows, like Hercules with fire in his bones. When hang'd, if begg'd for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will finde the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furr'd and choakt up.

Being freed from danger, we rejoyc'd exceedingly that we thus so narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter. Coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a Chair by the fireside, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quarter of strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an Elephant for the bigness of her waste, had there been the least appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it spoken) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of the Elephants Proboscis or Trunk. But as I said before, her Teeth were faln out; and as loving Neighbors to reconcile them, her Chin and Nose resolved to meet about it. She bid us Welcom as well as she could speak. Go, I think she could not: but opening her mouth, Lord what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell gaping to devour me: and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern infinit numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessary to; and coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bitumenous and smelt of Brimston. She might fitly be compared to an old Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the least spark will rekindle and fire any thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours is to bring mankind into the same state, and a Bawds crime is to make all fair women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees. I lookt about her house very inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infectious, few coming near it but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle, on which she used several Notes, which Musical language her Girls understood very well. We call'd for drink; the old Bawd replyed she would send for some, thought she had it not in the house: this was to be sure of our Moneys. Herein in I observed their temperance, not suffering us to have too much measuee. Wenches we had plentifully, one more especially I took notice of, to have the Swarthiest skin I have seen English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my opportunity, I askt him, (craving his excuse) What Trade he was? Pat as I would have it, he answered me, That he was a Tanner. I concluded so, Sir, (said I) by your dressing of that Calfs-skin there. This Dull-headed fool adprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me, His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it: I told him, I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why what Trade are you? said he, I may ask you a question as well as , 88 you me.) I replyed, That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like my Profession? quoth he. In this, said I, you dress the Skins, and I trim the Horns. The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that she had swallowed; that was not all, but having not her retentive faculty, she let flie; surely she was overcharged, which made her recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after returned; how swee I cannot tell you. We fell into discourse again: I askt her, How long she had liv'd in this house; Two years, (said she) a longer time then any house I have lived in this twenty years: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in! desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt her the reason: O, said she, it puts me in mind of one Shrove-tuesday especially, on which the Apprentices pull'd down my house; and sick, sick as I was, pull'd me away violently from a caudle I had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam take the rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragg'd me sufficiently, & worried me (as a Mastiff would a cat) till they were weary of the sport, fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these Helhounds. All along as I went a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster, but none daring to come near me. They say, I left so strong a scent behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it, and that the strong savour remained in that place above six dayes. I seemed to pity her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left her.

, 87

CHAP. XI.

 

What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was Trapand; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out of pretended pity, invest him with an old petticoat and wastecoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his discovery, and his flight.

From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attir'd standing at the door, who, as I pass'd by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her self: I followed her in, as very well understanding the interpretation of such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, thinking to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no less then persons of Quality: for we had gallantly accoutred our selves; and I thought that Fortune now had design'd me her chiefest favourite, in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be brought her, to which she sung so harmonical, that the Musick of the Sphears, are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bag-pipe to an Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade with the Wine together, (not but they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep, (alias, dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident, fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might remove all Remoras or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him; I was not long about it, but streight resolved to send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made my Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute my desires, I searcht his pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we had converted all our money into that metal which we alwayes maid our vade mecum. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted her with my design, which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of her, that I might have a card and a piece of paper. On the card I wrote a superscription, and pinn'd it on his back, directing the thing to his Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect,

Sir,

Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
I took him up, as one that went astray.
To recompence my paines I pull'd his feathers,
Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.
His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:
The giblets though I keep, and so adieu.

Then giving the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within the doors and leave the Letter, and so with all speed to come away to prevent examination; he brought me word he had performed my order: what discants were made hereon, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this time I had gained my Mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my devotion. I would have had her to have gone immediately to bed; but she told me, There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and that we should be both tyred if we went to bed so soon. Where to divert our selves we drank and sung together in parts, having indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress her self, yet me thoughts she was purposely tedious. I commended bofore, her Vocal and Instrumental Musick, but then I esteemed no other Musick sweeter then the Tag made against her bodice when she was unlacing her self. About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellowes rush'd into our Room, at which I awakened, but made as little noise as a Perdue. My Mistress leaping out of the Bed they seiz'd on her, gagg'd and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was the enterance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in a trice, had rowl'd up the Bed so close, that they had like to have stiffled me in the middle on't, though they dragg'd me in the bed from off the bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground, yet I felt no harm, every part of me was so well guarded that in that condition, I might have bid defiance to a Canon Bullet. But when I heard them talk of flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and struggling, I got a little place open, and then I roared like Phalaris his Bull. They seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled fastning a Rope to the Belcony and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were all gone, I grop'd about the Room, (for it was very dark) speaking very lowly, Where are you Madam, repeating it often: but much wondring I could not hear her answer me. As I was feeling round the Room, stretching forth my hands, I chanced to run on of my hands against her, and one of my fingers into her mouth; I thought my finger had strayed at first, mistaking the place, but searching farther, I found teeth, I knew then where about I was, and discovered withall, a stick in her mouth, keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel. But having removed this obstacle, she beg'd me to unty her hands, which having done, she her self untied her feet: and with that she would have clasped me in her Arms, but I hung an arse, being sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in. She was very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, Whether I had received any harm from the Rogues, I told her no, Nay, then I care not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them, said she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to apologize for my nastiness, up she came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance; Sir said she, my fancy suggests to me, that you now resemble Nebuchadnezzar when Metamorphozed into a Beast, & lying in his own dung; when you shall have reaßum'd your humanity, I shall presume to approach nearer to you . I made my Sirreverence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech so wide, her guts might have a passage through her posteriors. For I plainly perceived, notwithstanding all her specious pretences, she was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up, with which I cleansed my self, and because my shirt had too strong a sent of Stercus humanum, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long I should ware Coats too. Having shifted my self, I look'd for my Cloaths, but there was a Non est inventus out against them: all my search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much disturbed at my loss: but when I told her I had loss'd such a considerable quantity of Gold, her sorrow seem'd to be redoubled, and I am sure her inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly loving expressions, desiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity forc'd me to it. I ask'd her advice what I should do in this naked condition: There is no remedy, (she replyed) you must be content to cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for mans I have none to furnish you withall. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of her gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging. The slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty and smoothness of face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my garb. I must igneniously confess, when I consulted with a Looking-glass, I thought the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I found something pendulous. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune, knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to take my leave of her, going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake, indeavouring to pull off my hood instead of my hat, and making a Leg (as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but she advising me to rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In this disguize I traversed the streets, it being almost impossible for any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident that would never betray me. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to see what Lodgings they had; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer then so much cloath of Gold, I pitch'd at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished, I never scrupled the price, (because they should look on me as a person of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms'. I told him I was lately, come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv'd, with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. I onely took Sanctuary in this place, for no longer time then I could contrive away to dispose of my self. There was a young Gentleman that lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entred it and as he told me next day, was overjoyed that I had determined to be a Lodger there. This young Bravo (which had more money then wit) had prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and himself might be received into my Chamber, I alleadged I could not do it in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him, that at last (though with much seeming unwillingness (I condescended thereunto. Very merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv'd, My Amorist so gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes, kissing me sometimes, which had lik'd to have made me disgorge my stomack in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnaturall, nay loath-some, for one man to kiss another, though customary I know it is; yet I look on such as use it, inclining to Sodomy. In three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted that at last he became impudent. One time as I past by him, catch'td at me, endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest, but he did it so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoyled me; I believe he imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies ware very long to hide their rising bellies. I showed my self much displeased at him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittred words for so great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a Gold Watch; by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female affections: for there is nothing prevails on them more then Presents: and nothing gaines sooner over them a total conquest, then the hopes of enjoying a fair promising Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his Peace-offering, conditionally, that he should never attempt the like offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to dress my self when my cloathes were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should mistake, there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a greater confusion, and nothing but a Miracle could produce Order out of them. I had so improv'd my self by hourly practice, when none was with me, and observation of others, that I had now the knack on't. I new modelled my steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my words; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot) proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon Having a fit opportunity, there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disappointment of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him to lend me 10 l. for eight dayes; at the termination of which time, I should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy'd, that I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; and with that flew like Lightning, fearing he would have fractured his leg-bone for hast to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully: caused a Coach to be call'd, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual: whereupon he desisted.

I went to a Salesman, and bought (pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary, yet handsome Pettycoat and Wastcoat, buying all things requisite for a Servant: casting off my Gentlewomans Garb, I invested my self with what I had lately bought, and in that equipage I went to a Boarding-school, (which shall be nameless) where I was received as a Menial of the House. The Servants at first laught at me heartily to see how untowardly I handled the Tools of the Kitchin: Meat I spitted so strangely, as that at first sight they could not well name what that was before the fire. My Mistress in a short time taking notice of my ignorance in Kitchin-affairs, told me I was unfit for her service, and therefore would discharge me. I was much troubled at it, desiring her to continue me longer, ingeniously confessing that I knew nothing, being but newly come out of the Country; that I valued not Wages, provided I might learn experience; and it was for that intent I tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman was well pleased with my freedome, and presently ordered the Maids, that without their usually giggleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not. Though I lay with one of the Servant-Maids, (which was a well-featured Girl, and had incomparable good flesh) yet I would not discover my Sex to her, (though much against the hair) resolving first to be well acquainted in the House. I went through my business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, and gaining the love of most of the young Gentlewomen. I now thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came about, for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I perceived my Bed-fellow could not in the least close her eyes, continually sighing and tumbling to and fro, sometimes laying her leg over me, and at other times hugging me within her armes, as if I had been in a Press. At first I thought this Commotion within her proceeded out of sympathy, as questionless in part it did: for I found experimentally by my self, that each time she laid her leg over me, I thought my heart would have forc'd its passage through my breast. I askt her what she ailed, that she was thus so restless. At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last, (I pressing her much) poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as the deluge thereof was somewhat, abated) Jone, said she, (for so I call'd my self) if thou wilt keep my secrets, I will tell the my whole heart. I promised to do that, having resolved on it before: whereupon she thus repeated her story. Our John hath lov'd me a long time, and we have had many merry meetings abroad, and at home too when all were gone to bed. When he and I were alone, how he kist me, and clipt me! & would have gone farther, but I would not let him: I told him he might at last if he would marry me; telling him moreover, that unless he did so, he should never have his ends of me as long as he had a day to breath. Upon this we parted: I was about to have called him back had it not been for shame, and ever since he will hardly speak to me, seeming very strange and indifferent. Now my dear Jone, I'le tell thee, I cannot hold out longer, wherefore, to morrow night, I'le give him opportunity, and if he makes the least motion, I will entertain it. I disswaded her from this rash resolution as much as possibly I could, telling her the danger that might ensue, as her being gotten with Childe, and the shame that accompanies it: hindering her preferment: besides, who would be so mad to marry a Whore? &c. What ever I alleadged, she valued not. Seeing she was full bent, I thought this the critical hour to order and qualifie her hot distemper. Come, come, (said I) I will quickly put you out of conceit with John, and cure this love that so much troubles you; and with that I mounted, she thought I was going to shew some wanton gambles, which some wanton Girls use, and therefore freely received me. But finding her mistake, and something else she expected not from me, it was pretty to observe what a fine amorous Combate there was between Willingness and Unwillingness.



I thought she would dissolve ere she weuld stir?
Thus Venus came of Froth, and Froth of her.
I needs must look too; it to me appear'd
Like Mouth that spilt its Posset on its Beard.

Soon after a retreat was sounded to take a little breath, (for the charge was very hot) and so we parled. She could hardly believe all this while that I was a Man, though she had try'd the effect: but before morning I satisfied her fully in that particular. I enjoyn'd her silence; which I thought she would have done for her own interest sake; which she did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen to run skittishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come in to us, resolving to monopolize all the sport to her self. It was good sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and whatever I was doing of, she would have a hand in it with me. What an endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very much neglected, laying all the blame upon my bed-felow; and indeed not without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night, that she did little all day; which my Mistriss perceiving, turned her away; which was no small joy to me, being under restraint before.

Now I admitted the Ladies freely to bed with me one at a time. The first that came had like to have spoiled all; for as soon as I was about to—she squeekt so loud that all the house might have heard her some of her Associates running to know what was the mater, she readily told them she thought there was a Mouse in the bed, for she felt something creep up her thighs: thus satisfied, they departed Having perfected my business, I enjoyn'd her as I did the other, silence: but alas! all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret are but as so many perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar respect for, intending they should participate with her in that pleasure she enjoyed. To be short, there were few escaped me, so that I had tired my self that I could hardly go.

To conclude, a Gentlewoman that had held out the last, was resolved now at last to experiment what the others had done. But I shall never bewail my shame enough, being not able at that time to answer her expectations; and so she returned, which made me break forth into these expressions.

, 99

What Prodigy is this? or what Portent
Is threatned to me by this dry Event?
The Lady was both willing, young, undrest,
Being in that naked garb, attired best,
And yet should'st fail now, when desired most,
Suffering the time and pleasure to be lost.
Thou mightst have had what thousands have desired,
Yet never to that happiness aspired
Didst not see her mouth water, as theirs do,
Who spy a dish of savoury meat or two?
I do confess thou art no Caultrons Bauble
To sweep down sixteen shillings of a Table.
What though thou mightst not yet have feard to enter
That fine, smooth, moist, narrow, scarlet Center.
Time was i'm sure thou well couldst do the deed.
And to my knowledge plentifully bleed.
Henceforth stand stiff, redeem thy credit lost,
Or i'l ne're draw thee but against a Post.

Some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations in their body, with frequent qualms coming over their stomacks, which made me sick to be gone. My Mistress had a Son much about my stature; one time finding a fit opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and habit, and so with flying colours marched off insulting over the conquest of so many maidenheads, ieaving the quondam possessors thereof to deplore their ensuing misery and condemn their own rash folly.

CHAP. XII.

 

What a Trick he served a young man of his Acquaintance, whom he met withal accidentally: how he was pinched with hunger, and what ways he invented to kill it.

I made all the speed I could to London, knowing the largeness of that Vast City, would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me sooner then them. Now did I see the Fates had decreed to favour my Enterprizes. For I met with a young man of my acquaintance, who seeing me, ran and caught me in his Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and so as it is usuall when Friends meet, we must drink together. Over our cups, I began to inquire after his condition; He shook his head, and so related to me a sad story, which in effect was to this purpose in his own words.

Perceiving that my Mistress shewed me more then a common respect, I concluded that she had entertained some private favour for me within her breast, so that I began to be puft up with conceit, neglecting my duty, and now despising the Chambermaid, who was before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons to; withal, I carried my self so imperiously, that my Master was not very well assured whether he durst command me or no. My Mistress would sometimes heartily laugh, to see how ridiculous I carried , 101 my self, which I looked upon as a singular favour, mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love. Indeed, she was very affable and pleasing, which I interpreted leachery. I wrote a Letter with Verses at the bottom, intending at the first opportunity to deliver them into her hands. My Mistriss (as it is customary with Citizens Wives, to light the candle of their husbands estates at both ends) had her Country house, to which I was sent by my Master, with some bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feast intended for the accomodation of some special Friends; arriving, I found my Mistress had sent her Maid to London about some business, at which I blessed my propitious stars, to direct me thither in such a fortunate and most desired hour.

After I had delivered my Message, I began to talk very familiary with my Mistress, she with a smiling countenance, ask'd me, What I meant? not in the least checking my presumption, which made me more arrogant and bold; telling her, I was her eternally devoted Servant; she answered me, I was bound to be her Servant for a time, and that I must, when commanded obey her pleasure: to which last word, I added in my thoughts the Epithite Venereal, supposing she meant not to have left it out; with that I replyed, Mistress, I should not deem my self worthy to be your Servant, if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so perpetually; as for my affection, it shall dayly anticipate your desires, you shall not need to lay your commands on me, since my thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy each other, to the mutual satisfaction of us both. At which words, she fell into an excess of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy,) and then asked me, Whither I was Mad? I answered, No; unless too much love had made me so; Dearest Mistress, read but this Paper, and I hope that will better inform you.

Here he stopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof, which was to my best remembrance, to this purpose.

Dearest Mistress,

Frequently revolving in my thoughts, the condition I now am in, Despaire stands ready to seize me; but the consideration and knowledge of your commiserating Nature, draws me out of its ruinating Jaws. When I reflect again on the disparity of our Fortunes, and that it is your Indentured Vassal that thus prostrates his affection at your feet, I fear one blast of your just Indignation will suddainly shiprack all my hopes. I confess my error is overmuch confidence, for which I may expect ruine, which commonly attends rash Attempts; especially daring to sail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot then blind Love, and if I should arrive at my desired Port, I cannot deliver my Goods without stealing Custome. But waving all difficulties of this nature, consider that Love must needs be quintessential, that is not drawn from any other interest then reciprocal enjoyment; and it must needs be exceeding strong and eminent too, that will force its way through the greatest hazards. Signifie my Pardon by one gracious smile, for what I have so boldly (yet forceably) discovered, and I shall esteem my condition little inferior to what is Celestial; which is no happiness to me without the auspitious beams of your favour shine on me. And so subscribe my self according as your sentence shall be, either the

Most happy, or most miserable.

, 103

The Verses that were annext to the Letter, he told me, he got a Rimer to compose for him which afterwards he found stoln out of several Authors; a line out of one, and a half out of another, and so with the course thred of his brain, botch'd together; which were these:



Cupid did wound my heart; I hid the grief
Long time, but durst not seek for your relief,
I found the smart increased on that score,
For wounds, if not well search'd, but ranckle more
O cure me quickly then, or else I die;
Deny not, since here's none but you and I.

I withdrew as soon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read in private, what my Love had dictated. About a quarter of an hour after she called me to her, assuring me in a day or two, I should receive an answer to the purpose; and so absconding her displeasure, she sent me with all expedition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, she came home to her City-house: at night she pretended some indisposition of body, and dedesired to lie by her self; which hearing, I thought my joy would prove a Traytor to my supposed happiness; she takes an occasion to tell me, About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-chamber, the door whereof, she would leave open for me on purpose. In the mean time, she shewed my Master the Letter, acquainting him with the whole business. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my shirt; approaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amorous Expressions; and as I had one leg upon the Bed-side, ready to enter the Bed, where I thought my Mistress had attended my pleasure, I thought the Devil had waited on my Posteriors correcting me for not making more haste. The first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant, which made me caper up and down so nimbly about the room, that for my life I could not find the door, at last I did; speed was now the onely Guardian I had left, and so without pausing long upon it, I made but one step of the first pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have lamed me; before I could recover my self, my Master was with me again, which put fresh expedition into me, and so starting up; I lept down half the next pair, and tumbled down the rest. By this time he had lost the cord of his Whip, and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick, desisted, bidding me go to bed, lest I should catch cold after so great a heat, and so with two or three parting blows I got into my chamber, where I fell into a deep consultation with my self, the result of it was this; I took my curtains and sheets, and tied them together, and then fastned one end thereof to the Window; after this I went out of the Window, and so slid, by that time I was within an half story of the ground, the knot of one of the Curtains slipt, so that falling from that height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken. Knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry God help me, I raised my self as well as I could, but I had not walked far, before I found my self in no condition of going, wherefore I resolved to lie under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers Stall newly broke open that very night, never questioning the place, I crept in, and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall, and whipping besides, I fell fast asleep, so soundly, that I awaked not, till I was forced to it with an horse pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in the morning (according to his custome) found his door broken open, with that, he made an hideous noise, crying out, He was undone; for the day before he had laid out three shillings four pence, which was all his stock in Leather; all which was stoln, with many old shooes, nay his very working implements; doubtless it was done by one of his own Fraternity, that had informed himself of his late great purchase. The Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner fast asleep. He took no other course to awake me, then dragging me by the heels out of my Den, into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and without any more adoe, fell upon me, buffeting me with his fist, and treading me underneath his feet, making himself, both my Judge and Executioner: Thus you see one mischief attends the others heels. I begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confess to him all I knew, desiring him to go with me to the next Ale-house, which accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways accessary to his wrong, informing him as much as I thought convenient of my sufferings shewing him what a woful plight I was in; relating it was my Masters cruelty that was the cause of all this, and no other fault of mine, then staying the last night out a little too long. The Cobler seemed to commiserate my misery, asking me forgiveness for what he had done, and so we parted. Since by the kindness of a good natured Widow (where I lie) I have recovered my hurts and strength, and now am overjoyed we should so happily meet.

After this we drank very smartly, but, I forgot not all this while my design on him. I asked him frollickly whither he would go to handicap with me, which he readily imbraced. In conclusion, There was not any thing about us of waring cloaths but we interchanged; scarce had I un-cased my self, and put on my Friends cloaths, but in came one that had dogged me, attended by the Constable, with a Warrant to seize me, who they knew by no other token but my Boarding-Mistresses Sons garments, I had stoln for my escape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them on him) telling him, He should severely suffer for the wrong he did his Mistress, in the abuse of her house . Full of horror and amazement, he beseeched them not to carry him before his Mistress, knowing how much he had offended her, she would have no mercy on him; this confirmed their belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he intreated, the more deaf and inexorable were they; and whilst they were busied about their mistaken Criminal-Prisoner, I took an occasion to give them the slip, knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their Error; what they did with him I know not, neither durst I be so inquisitive to understand: wherefore, leaving him to the mercy of such, as would shew but little to him, I shall proceed forwards in my own story. My stock was now very small; how to increase it, I knew not. My invention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient ways to supply my necessary expence. But my money being all spent, my belly began to grumble out insufferable complaints against me, seeming to charge me with want of ingenuity & industry, since I injoyed my liberty; for want that man cannot, which wants not them. Alas, what should I do? I used what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a Billiard-Table, Boards-End, and Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily visit, frequenting such as had the greatest resort: in a short time I learned the art of Spunging so perfectly, that I had the Title of Spung-Master General conferred upon me. In those places I learned to take Tobacco which was the chiefest part of my food; living in a manner by Smoak, as the Camelion by Air. I fed so lightly, that I durst not stir abroad in a high wind; neither durst I fight lest one single stroak should have hazarded my dissolution; continual drinking, had so washed me, that my body was transparent, you might have seen within me (without dissection) the motion of the heart; you could have observed but little as to my liver, it long since had lose its use in the conveyance of the blood, for my stomack had nothing therein conteined to supply it; like an Inns-a Court Kitchin out of Term-time. In short, I appeared like a walking Skeleton. I had several suggestions within me to proffer my self again to my Master; but the shame to be seen in that condition, deterred me; wherefore, I resolved to weather it out a little longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My cloaths were indifferent good which could not but procure me credit, if I would make experiment. By means whereof, I had gotten an handsome Lodging chamber. It was a publike house of entertainment, so that here I thought I should have meat, drink, & lodging for chalk, and chalk for nothing. I called freely for what was in the house, which was readily brought me; but when the servants beheld with what celerity, (Hocus like) and cleanly conveyance, I had disposed of what was before me, they verily believed in one week, I would cause a dearth in the house if I staid; wherefore, one of the servants acquainted her Mistress with what she had observed, alleadging farther invectively against me, That I looked like one of those lean Beasts which have nothing given them to feed on, but vertuous and honest Women; that she believed I was the Genius of some hunger-starved wretch, or a shaddow without a substance, (which was very true as to my pocket.) When I thought it was time to go to bed; I call'd for a candle, not mattering whither I called for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did; for said she, Sir, It is our custome to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day, and once a week to discharge their lodging. In truth, I did intend to have discharged my self of it before the week had been out. I knew not what at present to answer her, but I was seldom to seek in such cases. I desired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my Trunks brought to her house; making it my Quarters for some time; and that she should find me a boon companion, drinking freely: I believe so, she said, you wil be here for some time or may be you will make this your Refuge or Sanctuary for one night; and then you say you will drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cost. Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you shall have no lodging here this night. Do you suspect me Landlady said I? Respect you, said she, (mistaking the word) for what grounds unless I knew you better? and yet I doubt I shall know you too well. That's a good one indeed, respect a skin full of Bones; a bag of Chessmen; a bundle of small Faggot-sticks. Why, thou Haberdasher of small wares, dost thou think I will respect thee other wayes then for thy moneys; unless I should be so mad as to fall in love with Famine. Come give me my reckoning first, and I shall talk with you in another Dialect; if not, I shall set my Currs at thee, (the Tapster and Hostler) that shall worry thy gibb'd Catship. Hearing her say so, and thiniking the passage had been clear, I betook my self to flight; but running through the Entry, I ran my belly directly against the Tapsters leg, that lay over the bench on which he slept. I ran so fiercely, that I shoved his head so violently against the board rais'd at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double, the knock likewise had like to have turn'd that little brains he had within his head. As for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly, and that pulling it out, he had left his shooe behind. Before I could rise, I had three or four about me, which I thought would have limbed me, as boyes falling out, do their cocks on Shrove-Tuesday. At that time I would have spared them one limb. provided that would have contented them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, especially the shrill note of their Mistresses perpetually moving Tongue, sounding a charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my cloaths. They would have stript me (I think, stark naked for my Reckoning, but that one said, Let his cloak suffice; at which, another pulled so furiously at it, that miraculously, without renting that thin transparent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was brought before my new Landlady; I asked her what was to pay, Sirrah (said she) more then thou hast in thy pocket; (2s. 4d.) As well as I could speak, I demanded how it came to be so much. Why, (said she) there is for Beef 1s. for Bread 4d. six pipes of Tobacco, and three pots of Ale; all this thou hadst in less than half an hour. I would not contradict her, though I knew it was near an hour I desired her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durst not threaten her for her abuse. Being about Hay-making time, I walked out into the Fields, resolving to spend that night in contemplation. I had now time to consider the damage I sustained in this skirmish. They had carried away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwise my cloaths received the least harm. My Nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled, and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat. My cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride, that they were resolved to close up the portails of my Opticks, that they might not be eye-witnesses of the height of their ambition. My ears were so maulled with their fleshy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I suppose that my eyes had taken up their residence, with my brains. At last I felt something about my shoulders; at first I thought it had been the weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that still hung about my neck, and would not leave me; which put me in mind of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Master, although his Master had attempted all wayes imaginable to leave it. I must needs say, I loved my Cloak so well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to part with it. It had been a servant to servants, ever since the setting up of the first billiard-table, whence it deriv'd its Pedegree. Being deprived of its imployment, and dispossest of its antient habitation, its heart strings were ready to break, and being not able to take a nap for grief, turned changling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from the fifteenth successively, it was descended to him; but they were unworthy to him, that having had his best days, would turn him off in his extream old age. I have him so fresh in my memory, that I cannot but condole his loss.



Cloak, if I may so call thee, though thou art
Thus ravish'd from me, don't abruptly part.
Thou didst not take distaste, and so art gon.
Cause once I call'd thee a meer hanger on.
'Twas but in jest; for had I now my will,
I'de have thee for to hang about me still.
Now I may tax thee justly, for I see
That now th'art nothing else but levitie;
Nay when I had thee scarcely did I know,
Sometimes whether I had thee on or no.
Thou wert so thin, and light; that some have thought,
Thee made of that same web Arachne wrought,
And say th'art useless now, unless men put
Thee like a Cobweb to a finger cut.
I love thee still for better and for worse;
He that divorc'd us let him have my curse.
Sure 'twas a red Nos'd fellow, for I know,
He coming near, it was but touch and go.
But let him keep thee, for thou'lt useless be
To him, thick cloaths suits best with knavery

Day appearing I got me a stick out of a hedge, and so walked in Querpo into the City. I walkkd up and down, but met with none of my acquaintance on whom I might fasten on as a bur. Noon approaching, my belly began to Chime, I thought all the meat in East cheap, would not lay that spirit hunger had raised within me, Coming by a bakers shop, I pretended to be ignorant of the City, and as I was asking him the way to such a place, not caring what, I happily secured a penny loaf, which I carried off undiscovered; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that time I had an Ostriches stomack; every thing I put into my mouth, passed through me like Quicksilver. Going a little farther, I came to an Ordinary, where I saw two sitting in a lower Room expecting their meat I sate me down, in the next little box to them. Immediately there was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips; the young man that served them, came to me, demanding what I would have, I bid him let me alone and not speak too loud, for those two which were next me, were my very good friends, and I would startle them by and by with my unexpected appearance, at which he left me. Finding my opportunity, I slipt my hands through a whole, in the form of an heart, which was in the partition that devided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I spake aloud, you hoggs are ye at the Roots, I will make one among you instantly, and so brought out my handful; having devoured them in a trice, I presented my self to their view, and sate down with them: Gentlemen, said I, excuse my frollick I am in a merry humour to day. They concluded what I said, to be a truth, and bade me welcome. Nay, said I, my meat will come instantly as a supply; and so it had need, for we made a clear board immediately. Seeing this, they called the boy, taxing him for sloth, that he did not bring my meat. Sir, said he, the Gentleman did not order me to bring any; at which they frownd, and began to charge me with incivillity. What are ye angry, said I? to which they replied, Affirmatively: if so, I answered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) I value your anger no more then the drinking this Pot, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so bid them farewel; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.

CHAP. XI.

 

How he had like to have been transported, being taken up by a Kidnaper, vulgarly called a Spirit.

Having satisfyed my stomack, I walkt along with much more courage than before, which had beent to little purpose, had I not had a stick in my hand: For there was hardly a dog in the street (which I went through) that gave me not his grinning Salutation, and would when my back was turned (knowing else I would never have suffered their humility) have kist my very heels, had not my stick prevented their Snearing Dogships mouths. I have wondred often, why Dogs will bark so incessantly at the sight of a Tinker, Pedlar, Tom-a-Bedlam, nay, any suspicious fellow, till I found it my self by experience, that by natural instinct, they knowk and hate the scent of a Rogue. And so it appears by smelling out a Spirit, who perceiving my idle loitering motion, accosted me. Well may he be call'd a Spirit, since his nature is like the Divels, to seduce any he meets withall, whom he can perswade with allurements, and deluding falsities to his purpose.

After he had ask'd me many impertinent questions, he invited me to drink with him; I ingeniously told him I had nor a peny, otherwise his motion would be acceptable to me. At which he cast up his eyes to heaven, and laying his hand on his breast, alas poor young man said he, what pitty it is such a lusty fellow as thou are shouldst want mony; which argues, thou art both destitute of friends, and an imployment also. Well, I'll say no more for the present, but before we part, I'll study some way or other for thy advantage; which I shall do meerly out of commiseration to the miserableness of thy condition, as also out of respect to thy Father, whom I am confident I have heretofore known, by the resemblance thou bearest him in thy countenance. I could not but smile to my self to hear thow this Rascal dissembled; not discovering my thoughts, I willingly went with him to drink, resolving to see what the event would be; after he had pous'd a while, well, said he, I have found it.

There is a Merchant, an intimate friend of mine, that wants a Store-house-keeper; Now if you can cast accompts ever so indifferently, you shall find entertainment from him, and 40 l. per anuum for encouragement. I told him that I joyfully accepted his kind profer, and that I should refer my self to be disposed of as he should think fit. With that he imbrac'd me, saying, within two days I should go aboard the ship where the Merchant was, who would go along with me to Virginia (where he pretended the Merchants Plantation lay) in the mean time you shall go along with me to my house, where you shall lie, and shall receive from me what your necessitites require. I had heard before, how several had been serv'd in this kind; so that being forewarn'd, I was fore-arm'd, præmonitus, præmunitus. He carried me away presently to Wapping, and hous'd me: I was brought into a Room where six or seven were all smoaking. They smoak'd out of their mouths like a Chimney that belongs to a Brewers Stoke-hole, so that there was little discernable but smoak, and the glowing coals of their pipes. Certainly the smell of this room would have out-done Assa-fatida, or burned Feathers in the cure of Ladies troubled with the sics of the Mother. As to the sight, the place resembled Hell, so did it likewise as to it's scent, compounded of the perfume of stinking Tobacco and Tarpalwin. So that I concluded the resemblance most proper,



In Hell damn'd souls, fire, smoak, and stink appear,
Then this is Hell, for these four things were here.

I was seated between two, lest I should give them the slip.

After I had been there awhile, the Cloud of their smoak was somewhat dissipated, so that I could discern two more in mine own condemnation: but alas poor sheep, they ne're considered were they were going, it was enough for them to be freed from a seven years Apprenticeship, under the tyranny of a rigid Master (as they judged it, coming but lately from sucking the breasts of a too indulgent mother) and not weighing (as I know not how they should) the slavery they must undergo for five years, amongst Bruits in foreign parts, little inferior to that which they suffer who are Gally-slaves. There was little discourse amongst them, but the pleasantness of the soyl of that Continent (we were design'd for, out of design to make us swallow their guilded Pills of ruine) and the temperature of the Aire, the plenty of Fowl, and Fish of all sorts; the little labour that is perform'd or expected, having so little trouble in it, that it rather may be accounted a pastime than any thing of punishment; and then to sweeten us on farther, and they insisted on the pliant loving natures of the women there; all which they used as baits to catch us silly Gudgeons. As for mine own part I said but little, but what tended to the approbation of what they said.

For all my aim (as I related before) was to understand the drift of this Rogue, and then endeavour to get what I could from him. By this time supper was talkt of by our Masters; so choice they were in their diet, that they could not agree what to have. At last one stands up, and proclaiming silence, said, That a Dish of Bruise was the most Princely Dish of any. And to tell you truly, by his looks, I thought he had been begot just as his Mother had put a sop into her mouth, of that Stomach murdering stuff, the grease running about her chops, which pleasing her fancy, struck so deep an impression in the imagination upon her conception, that the face of that thing she brought forth, lookt much like a Toast soaking in a Cooks Dripping-pan.

That he might perswade the rest, this way to indulge his appetite, he added farther, that it was a Dish would not be expensive, and soon ready. My Landlady to back him on, said, she had some skimmings of the pot, which she had been collecting these three moneths, some whereof she question'd not to procure, and let her alone to order it so, that we should say we never had a better dish aboard in our lives.

Another contradicting him, preferred a bowl of Pease pottage before the chiefest meat whatever, that he could never look into the pot and see them boyl round, but that his heart leapt within him, and kept time with their motion, My master (that was their Senior) scorn'd to be control'd in his fancy; and therefore positively determined to have some Poor John, swearing that the Great Mogul did eat nothing else thrice a week, and that Atabalipa (that Indian King whom Cortez conquered) caus'd a Sacrifice every day to be made of them to his Idol, commanding them to be laid on an Altar made of some coals of fire, then the fat of some Beast rubb'd thereon (because they had no Butter) and so presented to the Idol, afterwards to the King, which he did eat with inexpressable satisfaction. Order was given that this Delicate fare might be provided. Though they did beat it most unmercifully, yet it would not yield, resolving rather to be broken in pieces, then to become unlike it's Masters, or shew any thing of a tender nature. There was one alotted me for my proportion, which I us'd as they had done, laying it on the coals a little while, and so committing it to my teeths disposal. I never found till now that my teeth could be thus shamefully baffled. They made several assaults upon it to little purpose. My teeth at length fearing a total conquest, desperately and inragedly seiz'd on the thinnest and weakest part, and holding it as fast as a Vise, at last in the conflict overpowered one small fleak.

Now did I really imagine my self at Sea, where for want of provision I was forc'd to feed on Cordage or the Ships sides. Had this poor creature been ground small, I might have made as hard a shift to have swallowed it, as those Seamen did the Sawdust of deal boards coming, from Norway, and destitute of other food. That night I slept but little, contriving a way for my deliverance, neither could I, had I swallowed Opium for that purpose, for the innumerable quantity of Buggs (as some call them) that had invaded my body, being weary (as I suppose) of inhabiting any longer the dry mansion of that old rotten Bedsteed on which I lay. In the morning I found the ruines of a Looking-glass in the window, which I took up to discover what knots or nodes those were I felt o'rspeading my face. The sight whereof struck into me a Pannick fear, verily believing I had been infected with the spotted Feaver.

I began to curse the Bed and Sheets, imagining The Contagion proceeded from them; to be satisfied herein, I drew aside at the Beds feet, the Curtain (that is to say a part of a Tilt) pinn'd there to keep the wind off, which otherwise would have fann'd us to death, coming in so furiously through the Port-cullise of the window: (for glass there was little) At first sight I question'd whither I was not lately risen from the dead, since there was visible before my eyes, the Black Cloth that covered my Herse. Had not we gone to bed without a Candle over night, I should sooner have chosen a Bulk than this Bed to lie on. It might have been a good Quære, whether those sheets had ever been washt since their weaving, & continualy since implid by Whores and Bawds, successively to sweat out their contagious humours, and matter proceeding from their ulcerated Bodies.

My pretended friend perceiving my amazement, bid me be of good courage, for those marks in my face were onely occasion'd by a Stinking sort of Vermine, who seldome meddle with such as are accustomed to them, onely giving their welcom to such as were New-comers. I took these sufferings as patiently as I could; but thinking it was an ill coming for me to either of them, and it should not be long before I would take my farewell. We had scarce Breakfasted, before a Messenger came into the room, and with much seeming respect pretended to deliver a Message to my friend. I guess'd it was to inform him how the tide serv'd, and so it prov'd. My friend told me we must be gone instantly, for the Merchant attended my coming. Wherefore we presently went down to the stairs, to take Boat, by the way he told me that he would go with me in the same ship, and take as much care of me as he would of his own son, whom I understood afterwards he had too sure, above a year since stoln away, and sold him as a slave. One while I thought to have ran for it; another time I thought to have cry'd out, A Spirit, a Spirit, but that the thought of the Water-men, being his Accomplices, deter'd me. I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do. Coming into the Boat, being now destitute of all relief, I ask'd him according to his former pretence, whether he resolv'd to go to Sea with me? yes, reply'd he. I question Sir (said I) vvhether you ever told a truth in your life, but I am resolv'd you shall novv; and vvithal I flung my self with him overboard. Those which were in the Boat, immediately endeavoured at our rising to pull us up into the Boat. But I clapping my hands unfortunately on the side of the Boat on which they within leaned, I overturn'd it upon me. The first thought this accident produc'd in me, was that a VVhale had swallowed me, and that I was in a dark concave of his belly, or that Death had arrested me, and clapt me up a close Prisoner for my sins, in Hell's deep and black Dungeon. But by the industry and expedition of many VVatermen, eye-witnesses of this passage (which had like to have prov'd tragical) the Boat was recovered, and I the first person taken up and set on shore.



Multorum manibus Grande levatur onus.

Many hands make light work. I nere staid to see, what was become of my good Friend (a pox take him) but with what speed I could, attended with a great number of little hooping Owlets (I mean the young Fry of Scullars) I secur'd my self from this Anthropopola or Man-seller; A charitable woman seeing me in this pickle (for it was salt water, with my Sous'd guts, may testifie, if they please, in their grumbling manner of speaking) told me that she would entertain me till to morrow. This was the greatest Cordial could be appli'd to this cross; without many complements, I thankt her for her great love. Now because she saw what condition I was in, she immediately put me to bed.

CHAP. XII.

 

How under the pretence of begging, he stole a Cloak, and with that went to a Gaming Ordinary; what a bold Adventure he made there, and the Success thereof.

Parting from this good woman, I began to think that the Art of stealing might be reckoned amongst the liberal Sciences; for though it may be call'd an Handicraft, yet it cannot be lookt on as Mechanick. This is the Art, the right practice whereof is the true Phil-sopher stone, the Elixir of life, with which many turn Poyson into Medicine, coarse cloath into cloath of Gold, hunger into fulness and satiety, convert rags into Satines, and all this done by a quick wit and slight of hand.

The Antiquity and Dignity of this profession, I shall relate elsewhere, and shall proceed on in my Adventures.

The Evening or Twilight being come, I chanc'd to look in at a door, and perceiving none at hand, I went in boldly, resolving if I met any to beg an Alms of them, having before premedatated what I had to say, viz. that I was a poor distressed young Gentleman, my Father, Mother, nay all my relations I knew, being dead, and that knowing not what to do, was forc'd (under the covert of the night) to beseech the assistance of charitable minded persons. But in my way I found none that should occasion my using this form.

I found in the Parlor a good Camlet Clook, which I made bold to put on, and so very gravely walk'd out of the house, but coming to the door, you must think there was Wild-fire in my breech, that hastned me out of the street. Being gotten a Bow shot off, I thought my self indifferent secure; so that I slackned my pace, and in that equipage I went to an Ordinary, I lookt on awhile, but my fingers itcht to be at it. Why, thought I, have I not adventured a Goal, a whipping, or an hanging, and shall I now fear a kicking , a pumping, or a Bog-house. These considerations made me resolutely take up the Box, and I threw a main, which was 7. a great deal of money was presently set me, I knew it was but to little purpose to balk them; so that confidently I threvv at all, vvhich I nickt vvith eleven, and so continued holding seven hands together. Perceiving I had got a considerable quantity of money, and fearing I might lose that vvhich I had so boldly adventured for, I thankt my propitious stars, and the Gentlemen, vvho had rather lose their money, than suspect any that hath the Garb of one vvell Extracted, and so bad them good night. A priviledge too many Sharking Ubiquetarians use vvithout interruption, being most commonly in fee vvith the Waiters and Box-keepers, vvho vvill be sure to be in the behalf of such confident Cheats, if they lose, pretending great knovvledge of them, that they are men of repute, civil and responsible, vvhich frequently so pevails upon a Mouth, that he hath not a word to say more. Questionless Ordinaries were first impartially founded, interdicting all play but which was upon the Square; but since by the connivance of the Box-keepers, when the Table grows thin, and fevv at it, let the stranger beware, for the Box-keeper shall walk off, pretending some speedy dispatch of a business concerning the House of Office, &c. whilst your Antagonist shall put the change upon you, or make use of his own Jack-in-a-box, and then had you 500l. (would you set like a Gamester) he would have it to a penny in a short while, with whom the Waiters go snips. If at any time such they know want an High flyer, &c. they know how, and when to supply him.

Full fraught with this good fortune, and so laden I was ready to sink, I resolv'd to moor my Vessel in the next Harbour. The Landlord whence I came, was very loath to entertain me, his lodger having serv'd him a scurvy trick the night before, conveying out of the window, the Furniture of a room that cost him 40 l. besides a great silver Tanker, whith the Gentleman would have fill'd with stale Beer and Sugar, to stand by his bed-side all night, pretending it was his custom. But I desiring him to lay up a parcel of money for me till the next morning, quite put out the eye of his Jealousie. I shew'd my self that night very exceeding noble, concealing my success at play, that he might conclude the greatness of my expence, proceeded from the nobleness of my nature, having a good estate to back it. I was conducted to bed with many Ceremonies, and abundance of respect; Sleep I could not, for thinking how to dispose of my self.

I had experimented the various exigencies and extremities an unsetled condition is accompanied withal, and knowing how securely I could purloin from my Master, if I would moderate my theft; I concluded to supplicate my Master, by a Letter, for my reception into his service, not forgetting my Mistresses quondam kindnesses. If my Master should refuse to re-entertain me, I had by me what might svpply my necessities, till I had re-considered how to imprve my stock, or bestow my self. Nor to delay time, the nezt day I wrote him this Letter.

SIR,

Having seriously considered the greatnes of my folly in running from so good a Master, (whom I may more rightly intitle Father) with tears I beg mercy of God my Creator, and forgiveness of you my preserver. Mitigate my offence by revolving in your mind the fewness of your, which makes me (as it doth most others) prone to rambling fancies. Look then favourably on my long absence from you, as a meer exiliency, a youthful elapse, which maturity of age may rectifie. If you can forgive my follies, I will study to forget them, and daily endeavour the propagation of my fidelity in the remainder of my time. By the Bearer hereof you may signifie your pleasure.

Sir, I am
Your cordially penitent Servant, &c.

With much joy my master read this Letter, and hasten'd him away to bring me to him. Having converted my silver into Gold, sowing it in my Collar and Wastband, and putting my self into a Garb convenient for his sight, I went to him.

CHAP. XIII.

 

His Master sheweth him more kindness than formerly; the ill requital he made him, by Cuckolding him, an accident that fell out thereupon, which produced two remarkable Stories, deduc'd from the strength of Imagination.

My Master upon my reception, told me he had freely forgiven me, and if that I would henceforward endeavour the prosecution of a more regular course of life, he would forget too my past follies. I promis'd him more than the strictest Zelot was able to do, and beg'd him pardon aforehand, if he found a defect in performance.

As my expressions gave my Master much content, so my return (I perceiv'd by my Mistresses eyes) gave her the greatest satisfaction. My Master began to doat on me again, seeing I daily trebled my diligence, and so active I was in every thing that concern'd his affairs, that it was hard for any to anticipate me in my intention.

This gain'd so much upon his facile good nature, that I had liberty to wear my Hat, and sit at Table with him, neither would he command me any thing servile. I had (as formerly) the same sollicitations from my Brother Snippers, but fearing lest one time or another I might be snapt by the timerous nature of some, who if once taxt, will confess, not onely as to themselves, but likewise detect the whole knot of a Brother-hood; I reselv'd to have no more to do with them, but would snip securely by my self, knowing, that in any secret design, if many are concern'd, their business cannot be long kept private. I now kept close to my business, not harbouring the least temptation to any extravagancy, and had sequestred my self from what might render me publickly notorious, and onely studied by what means I might raise my Fortune, intending to build my future estate upon the ruine of other men; having nothing of mine own but my late purchase at play, my onely way was (as I thought by some's success therein) to make the world believe I was really reform'd, and so create to my self a credit; whereas I vvas onely a Devil converted into an Angel of light, or a Woolf in Sheeps-clothes. Novv did I begin to cant religiously, and not omit one Sabboth vvherein I did not take Sermons Notes, judging this religious cloak to be the best expedient to screvv my self farther into my Mistresses favour, vvho doted on Morning Exercises, and monethly Fasts. If my Master had forgot to do the duty of the day, I vvould vvith much respect put him in mind of the neglect, desiring that I might repeat vvhat had been delivered. As they looked upon my conversion more miraculous then that of St. Paul, so they gave me the geatest incouragement, lest like weak women, I might prove a Back-slider. There were few private meetings my Mistress heard of, but by the leave of my Master, I must conduct her to them; which were as so many portents of our private meetings afterwards, where Venus should appoint.

I am sorry that I am so uncharitable as to say that the zeal of her Spirit was not so hot, in kindling the coals of her devotion, as the motion of the flesh pricking her on to the understanding of something else, which the consequence will make appear. Every day I had some remark of her love, which I receiv'd with much submissive respects, pretending I understood not her meaning; which added but fewel to the blazing flame of love within her. I could not be ignorant, that since she began to court me, she could prosecute it to the end. Her Courtship methought was very prepostrous, she might have first receiv'd the charge from me, and by that means she would have found me prepar'd, whereas otherwise she might have been deceiv'd in her expectation.

My Mistress gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears, which rendred me unworthy of her favours, in not boldly entring that Breach that was made to my hand. The Besieger deserves not the honour of possessing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him, yet dares not enter. Whil'st I was thus ruminating, my Mistress came to the Counting-house where I was writing, and leaning upon my shoulder, askt me what I was doing; I told her, Nothing but writing, Nothing, I believe, said she nor never will do any thing, but draw up Blanks, without ever filling up the spaces, and so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so left the interpretation thereof to my own construction.

Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep impression (as they did) and withal concluding I would give her the sense of them, when I had an opportunity; She informs my Myster that she had a great desire to visit a Gentlewoman she had not seen a long time, and requested that her man Thomas (for that was my name) might wait on her, to which he assented. Though I led her, yet I wondred where she led me, through one street into another, till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me call for a pair of Oars; which I accordingly did. The Watermen were very inquisitive, occording to their custom, to know whiter we intended. Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you to understand. Now, said she, row us up to Fox-hall. I for my part was somewhat amazed; yet I partle guest at what she drove at. I kept at a distance, shewing her the raspect of a servant; which she taking notice of, laught, saying, Come Cuz, why dost a not sit neerer? To which I repli'd as familiarly (for by this time I had much improv'd the stock of my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are but light, on your , 17 sides. This expression I doubt netled her, for presently thereupon she shot a peircing dart from her eye (which I fancied to have penetrated my very soul) how now Cuz said she, I thought you had a better opinion of me, I understand the Riddle. Your expressions may be very dark to some, however I have too much light in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me by whispering me in the ear, to this effect, that if she was light, there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abus'd her love any longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went streight to Spring-Garden, by the way she told me I must lay aside all formality, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into an obscure Bower, I suppose one of Loves Chapels of ease, where without a Clew it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any thing wanting that might delight the Appetite, which with much freedom we enjoy'd together.

Now said my Mistriss, I shall take of the Veil of my modesty, and discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that ever I saw thee I had more than a common respect to thee, and there was not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new fewel to the flame of my affection: I us'd all possible means to smother or blast it in the bud, but could not: I summoned my reason to confute my passion, and notwithstanding, I alledged that there was a disproportion in our age, an unsuitableness as to our condition; and lastly, how great a stain it would be to my religious profession; yet Love got the Victory over these, and would have been too strong for ten times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.

Having gain'd a little breath, and she again having lent me the use and disposal of my own mouth, I return'd to this her Amorous Oration something suitable to it by way of retalliation; Protesting with invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love, I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.

That had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness, and fear of hazarding her love, and so gained her displeasure, no other diffiuulty should have deter'd me from declaring and discovering what she had prevented me in, adding that where the quintessence of all loves contracted into one body, it could not equalize mine. Come, said she, let us leave of talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make apparent the reality of our affections, and let us not lose any time wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me to mince the matter but I will be plain. By the way let me leave these instructions with you.

Let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to your Master, neither let it so puff you up with pride, as to contemn your fellow servants. In company shew much more reverence to me than formerly. In private when none sees us but our selves, be as familiar and free as actions can demonstrate. Be constant to me alone, for true love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, and follow not the common practise of vain-glorious Fools, that in requital of those favours they have receiv'd in private of some credulous Female, will make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their Reputations: She propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I sealed them without a witness. We made an end of our business for that time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying might not be suspected by the ignorant Cuckold at home: I have reason now for so calling him.

Coming home, I appli'd my self to the business of the Shop as before, enjoyning my eyes a severe pennance, not so much as to look towards that Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed, but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a clock I was much startled, to hear something come into my chamber, but before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay in the next room, most commonly by himself, and her chamber was the next to that.

I say we durst not speak, so that the only language we us'd were mutual embraces, kisses, twining of legs, handling of breasts, feeling the exquisite smoothness of flesh, with which we had nunquam satis , my sole unhappiness was, that I had not the benefit of sight to view the whiteness of her skin, which would have added to my extasie. Neer upon day break my sweet (ex tempore) bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious, but on the contrary exceeding timerous, but more especially childishly afraid of the supposed walking of Spirits: For hearing the boards crack twice or thrice, with the weight of her body, besides, by the help of star-light, perceiviug something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the cloaths, not daring to put out his head, now did his imagination work as strongly almost as his Breech, suggesting strange and ridiculous things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh ayr, and choak'd with the stink that was in the bed, he boldly and valiently put his head out of the coverlid, and after he had thrice exorcis'd the Devil, or the supposed evill Spirit, wih avoid Satan, repeating as often that Scripturnal Sentence, Resist the Devil and he will flye from thee; He call'd out as loud as he might for me to come to him, I leap'd out of bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter, O Thomas, said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in hast to light a Candle, fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a terrible noise, my Master hearing me, cry'd out also, (saying, O God, what will become of me) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with that he fell to prayer so fervently loud, that up starts my Mistris and the Maids, running to know what was the matter, fear had so possest him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some of the Develish crew.

At first they thought him to be faln mad, but finding out the cause of this distraction, with much adoe my Mistress made him sensible of his mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) damned Spirits, he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink which came from the Bed, when he stirred ever so little.

I wonder'd, said he, that, contrary to my usual costome, I awak'd about four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight. I hearkned, at first I perceiv'd onely the boards to crack, but presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the room, the bed, and I in it danced up and down, as if a Scotch Bag-pipe had been plaid upon by a Northern witch, and the Devil the while supplying the Bellows with wind. Sometimes they pull'd me out of Bed, and laid me on the could floor, and then tost me in again like a Dog in a Blanket.

Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out, but scarcely had mine eyes recovered the top of the bed cloaths, when I saw standing by me, a composition of meer bone, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like an Irish Brachin, or a Scotch Pladd, with a light Taper in one hand. I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were onely holes in his head instead of eyes, and an Hour-glass in the other, he grinn'd at me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me, which sight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a Pudding in a Bag) all that was within me. My Mistress had like to have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of danger (that might have ensu'd thereon) hindred her.

After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lye in that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this means he would lye with his Wife, which interrupted our sweet venereal pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return'd to his own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs, (fear giving wings to his feet) as if (Vulcan like) he had been sent by Jupiter head-long in a message.

Another accident (hapning not long after) cur'd him in part of his ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on a certain beam that went cross, there were great quantity of Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller sort for other uses.

Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the scent, and had gotten upon the Beam, her foremost feet slipping, she was strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made our Dog fall a howling. This strange din first approach'd my Master's ears, who, awaking my Mistress, ask'd her now whether she would believe her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think, her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accustomed her self to sin, was not hardned and sear'd up) put her in mind of what she had lately committed, so that she had like to have concluded that it was Satan was sent to buffet her: But she having a Martial Spirit, and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg'd that Thieves had broken into the house.

My Master all this while was breathing his last at both ends, whilst my Mistress leap'd out of Bed, and came to my Chamber-door, bidding me in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I confess I had no great mind to be Kill'd, and therefore I was in no great hast to rise, sometimes buttoning my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again: Perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardize, and meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me resolve to adventure my life, rather than hazard the loss of her good opinion.

Finding my Mistress in her Smock, I thought it a shame for me to have any Cloaths on; thus nakedly arm'd, only a good long Tool I carried with me (I mean a Spanish Tuck) we march'd on. Coming to the Stair-head, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so amaz'd me, that I would fain have had my Mistress to go first: She could not forbear laughing, to observe how Complemental and Ceremonious at that time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, how do I abuse my self, said I, and with that boldly went on.

By this time a light was produc'd, and then those Bug-bear thoughts which darkness possesseth the fancy withall, began to vanish. There was not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what my Spanish Leather Blade prob'd. Descending the Sellar-stairs, I there plainly saw the Original cause of our fear and distraction, hanging by the tail. I call'd my Mistress to the sight, and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to be overpast.

Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to our Master, and shew him the wound in his Tail, for evidence to prove his guilt in being seduc'd by fancy.

He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroy'd, and that they were coming up to dispatch him too: Wherefore he cri'd out, Save my Life, and take all I have. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity) bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done, and withall so convinc'd him of his folly both past and present, that he had not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we were dismiss'd.

The next night to shew how much he was altered from his former temper and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renew'd our pleasures.

CHAP. XIV.

 

How his Mistress supply'd him with money, even to superfluity; what ways he had to spend it. He is tempted to destruction by Correctors (alias) Clippers and Coyners (alias) Matter-men.

I found my Estate to encrease abundantly, for I was half sharer my self vvith my Master, my Mistress she put in for one too, vvhich I had likevvise; so that the good man receiv'd but the fourth. I had been (since my return) very sparing in my expence, having laid up my money securely: But now finding out another rich Mine, I thought I should be too rich, unless a contriv'd vvays to draw out as vvell as put in.

In the first place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for by that means I could meet vvhom I pleas'd, though a dozen or sixteen miles distant, and so by the quickness of my return come home undiscovered: If occasion should serve, they might very well serve for the High Pad. These I bought, and where they stood I had four or five several suits, either to Ride vvithall, (using variety that I might pass incognito) or to vvear vvhen I did intend to appear splendidly to my peculiar friends; and then the Prodigal himself did not spend his money more profusely than my self.

I judge it unnecessary to relate how, and in vvhat manner I disburst great summs, since there are few that are addicted to pleasure, and have money, but know how to lay it out to the satisfaction of their desires, that is, to please all their senses. My Mistress seldome saw a piece of Gold in her Husband's hands, or some large and great piece of Silver, but she vvould be begging it of him, for no other intent but to give it me, vvhich she took delight in, withall, knowing that frequent presents very much ingage the affection.

My Master seldome deni'd her, for, (like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife) but if he did, she would take pet, and would not eat, have the forehead bound down vvith a cross-cloath, look pitifully, and the like. If he ask'd her vvhat she ail'd, or vvhat she vvas troubled at, she vvould say, at nothing more then your unkindness, and then vveep bitterly; for, like a right Hypocrite, she had tears at command. The Dotard would melt too, sometimes the great Calf crying; and sobbing, like a Child that hath lost its Bread and Butter: Then to make his attonement, he must procure her two or three pieces, if he hath them not in the house, otherwise it shall cost him as much more vvealth on the Doctor, of vvhom she vvould often pretend to take Physick, but it should be onely rich Cordials, strengthning Jellies, vvith such like Provocatives to Venery.

For my own part, I vvas not idle in the mean time, laying up like the carefull Bee for Winter. We return'd great sums of Money every day, which an acquaintance of mine knew very well; and he being daily in the company of a fellow, who was both Coyner and Clipper, it seems a decay'd Goldsmith, undone by the study of Chymistry, but now liv'd by some particular part thereof, as the transmutation of Metal, or so forth.

This man he informs that he knew a young Casheer, that he thought he could work to their purpose, who was very well qualifi'd for it. An appointed time for meeting was agreed upon between them, vvhich vvas made known to me; I thought of no other design but to be merry. Being met, vve drank stiffly, but ever and anon the stranger vvould beseech me to favour him vvith my future acquaintance, that he should think himself very happy, if I vvould admit him into a familiarity. I could do no less then promise so much, and so laying aside ceremonies, we entered into a very familiar discourse. But for that night there vvas nothing propounded, neither vvas it thought convenient: several times vve met, (not vvithout great expence) so that now vve vvere grown intimately acquainted. Our discourse hapned on a time to be about Chymistry, I vvas forc'd to be mute, as not understanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but admire, to hear my new friend relate vvhat admirable Rarities he could perform in that misterious Art, and thereupon shew'd me a piece of Gold, demanding my opinion, what I thought of it? I told him I could judge no less, but that it vvas vvhat it seem'd to be; he smilingly repli'd, no vvonder that this should deceive you, since it vvill do the like to the most critical Goldsmith about the Town: No doubt, said he, you have heard of the Philosopher's Stone, and vvhat vast Estates some have mis-spent in the search thereof, how ineffectual the labour of such hath been, the miserableness of their condition makes apparent. Others and not a few have pretended they have obtain'd the mastery thereof, for no other intent then to delude some vvealthy credulous person, making some ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at last extract him to the very lees of his Estate. I shall not deludingly pretend to any thing, but vvhat I vvill perform, vvhich your own eyes shall attest.

Hereupon, he shew'd me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are the effects (said he) of my own labour and pains, imploy'd in an Art I have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain, vvith vvhich I can convert Copper into that Metal vvhich current money is compos'd of, either of vvhich, according to the Tincture I shall give it. And to be plainer vvith you, out of that great love I have born ever since I first saw you, and that my actions shall make it apparent, see here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is call'd a black Dog, with Queen Elizabeths Head thereon, vvhich is only Pewter double wash'd. This here is a George Plateroon, being all Copper vvithin, and only a thin Plate about it. Another call'd Compositum, which is a mixt Metal, and vvill both touch and cut, but vvill not indure the fiery test. He gave me the sight likewise of pieces of eight, half pieces, and quarter pieces. Then again, (said he) our own Coyn vve usually call English Cloth, the other Spanish; the prices vvhereof are several, according to their goodness and fineness: The best you may have for 15 sh. the yard.

Now to the intent that I may compleat your happiness here, if enjoyment of Wealth vvill do it, I vvould advise you to take some of every sort, and so mingle it vvith the rest of your good cash, proportionably to the summ. Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it aside for me, which, after I have corrected a little, (for broad brimd Hats are not now in fashion) a vvill return it, allowing you 18 pence per pound interest.

I gave him all this vvhile great attention, vvithout the least interruption, but he here making a stop, I thought he expected my Replication; which vvas to this effect, That I thank'd him cordially for his respects, which I believ'd vvere real, having us'd that freedom vvith me, that I did not in the least question the greatness of profit that vvould redound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it being a matter of the greatest consequence and highest concern, I desired I might have some time for consideration. This answer made him look blank, fearing least I made a demur onely to betray him, so that I saw by his countenance, he vvish'd he had been more sparing in his expressions. I must needs confess, I trembled all the time I vvas in his company, vvherefore I made all the hast I could to be gone, giving him to understand, that, after serious consultation vvith my self, I vvould send him an answer by my friend, and so I took my leave of him. The vvhole night following I spent in weighing his Proposals in the ballance of profit and preservation: I quickly found that Life's preservation out-weigh'd all other interest, and that honour, riches, and pleasure, would avail little to that man that was riding Post to the Gallowes. Though I had committed several things, that might come within the verge of an Indictment, yet I always shunned such actions as bore the inscription in their front, both of Criminal and Capital. To be as good as my promise I sent my Chymist these consequent Lines.

Sir,



You seemingly do proffer fair, but know,
Hanging attends such kindnesses you show.
The hope of profit tempts me; loss of life
O're powers perswasions, and so ends the strife.
Had I two Lives, my deeds should make it known,
How little I would care to hazard one;
But having solely one, I will not try
Its loss, as yet I have no mind to die.
Should we proceed then, and be taken in it.
Death and damnation seize us in a minute.
Cease then, and let your fancy's suit with mine.
We'l plot no Treason, but to get good Wine:
That being had, let each man's face declare
Th' Indian Mines are not so rich as ours are;
If we want Coyn, the best way I suppose,
Is to transmute the Metal of my Nose.

I never receiv'd any answer, to what I wrote, neither did I ever see my new friend after, which was according to my own desire.

CHAP. XV.

 

He breaketh his Master (by the help of his Mistress) and so sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully gotten in his Apprentiship, and credit besides; what a trick he served his Master at last, his Master and Mistress soon after dy'd.

Now I had serv'd my time, and was accordingly made free; but sollicited to stay some longer time as a Journey-man, which I consented to, knowing it could not be long: for we had so purloined from him, that it was impossible for him to subsist any longer. His Creditors visited him daily, so that now his whole time was taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the present, and tell them when they should come again. My Master perceiving the danger he was in, would neither stir abroad, no, not so much as come into the Shop. My Master stood now upon the brow of a very high Hill, and being forc'd to descend, I resolv'd to save him the labour, and so threw him down headlong.

By this time I had convey'd away a sufficient quantity of his Goods, intending them for my own use; and stow'd them in a Warehouse which I, had lately taken privately for my purpose. My Master one night told me his intended design, that he was resolv'd to pack up all his Goods, and to gather in what Moneys he could, and so take his Wife with him for Ireland. I thought I should have dy'd at first when I heard him talk of carrying his Wfe with him, and could not forbear dropping some tears, which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine company; Well now, said he, I see thou lovest me too, as well as thou hast hitherto prov'd faithful. But the dearest friends must part, (and with that he wept again like a Child) however my comfort is, I hope we shall see each other in Heaven. I thought with my self, I had rather see him in the Counter. And from that minute I contriv'd how I might effect it: For at that time I should never have been able to have brookt a separation between my Mistress and self, especially at so great distance. She and I often consulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the old fool had, and so run away together, with many stratagems which we propounded, but were rejected as no wayes expedient nor convenient. At last I resolv'd on this, that he should acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go, and so inform me thereof. I receiv'd information in a short time after that, before break of day, at such a time he would take Horse at Islington, and so for VVestchester. I immediately sent away word to one of his cheifest Creditors, making known to him the summ and substance of every thing, and, that if he ever expected to receive what was due to him, he must at such a time have Officers ready to way-lay him, , 33 in order to his arrest, which was punctually done according to what instructions I sent him in a Letter, without a name subscribed thereunto. He had not been long in custody, before I was sent for, to advise with him what was best to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no less then seemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal seem'd to be very active to his assistance, running up and down to his Creditors to bring them to a compliance; but he had been better to have sent some person else as solicitor in his business, for by my means I made his wound incureable. Seeing there was no remedy but patiently to endure his inevitable imprisonment, he got an Horse (as some men term it) alias a Duce facias, and so remov'd himself to Ludgate, where he had not been long e're he dy'd for grief.

In the mean time my Mistress had secured what he had, which I enjoy'd. I had now an House and Shop of mine own, very well furnisht; but withal I was grown so deboist and profusively lavish, that I seldom was at home but at night, and then in bed with my Mistress, who was very importunate with me to marry her: I confess I lov'd her intirely as my Mistress, or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife . She now found her self with Child, whereupon (taking upon her my duty) she daily prest me to save her Credit. But I delay'd putting her off continually with specious pretences, which her love and facileness easily swallow'd. The time of her delivery approaching, I went down into the Country with her, and because it was at hand I stay'd to see the event: Within a short while she fell in labour, (now because we were known for no other then Man and Wife,) when her throws came upon her, she would not let me stir out of the room. She call'd me hastily to her, and getting my hand within hers; Farewel, said she, I die for thee, thy last unkindness is not performing thy promise, and not returning love answerable to mine, hath untimely yielded my days; with that she groan'd, and then using her former expressions, cry'd out, Love my memory however, since I die for thee. She utter'd not one word afterwards, being as good as her word: The good Woman lookt strangely on me, every one passing their verdict, and all concluding her none of my Wife. The first Christians under the great Persecution suffered not in 500 years so many several ways, as I did in within five hours by the peoples Tongues. I must needs say, I took it very much to heart that report which made Richard the Second alive so often after he was dead, should kill me as often whilest alive, desiring them at last to wave their Censures, (which they exprest publickly) I intreated them with all the Rhetorick I could produce to indeavour the reviving of my Wife, which if past recovery to use means to preserve the Child. In a short time they told me, that was dead likewise. At first I show'd much grief, which was unfeigned, being not so much afflicted for the loss of her, as affected with those words she utter'd when she breathed her last. I was too conscious of my own guilt, and therefore they made the deeper impression in my very Soul.

But all these perturbations of mind I dissipated with a glass or two of Canary, which was the common antidote I us'd against care, sorrow, and vexation, &c. I now provided things necessary for her Funeral, which were not vulgar, which I might the better do having made my self her Executor before, taking all she had into my custody. In memorial of her and her fidelity, I wrote this Epitaph on her Tomb-stone.



Women they say will lye, but now I see,
'Tis false, to th' last she speaks the truth to me.
Farewell said she, I thought my grief t'have hid,
I die for love of thee, — and so she did.
Here with her lies her Child, that strove in vain,
To untomb it self, to be intomb'd again.
But rest my babe, thy cares with life are gone,
Thou'lt rise again, though now a setting Sun.
Though wonders cease, thy Mothers death doth prove;
They may revive, for she did die for love.

CHAP. XVI.

 

His credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of living in Drinking, Whoring, Gaming, &c. He thinks to sawder up that crack by Marriage, he is deceived both in Person and Portion.

Returning to mine own Habitation, I found that my so long absence had rais'd a jealousie in my Neighbours breasts that I was run away, which rested not there, but rested like a Canker, so that this flying report came to some of my Creditors ears, which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys; I wonder'd whence proceeded their unexpected haste. Some that would not be put off with promises I was forc'd to pay; from others I obtain'd a little longer forbearance, which gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses. If I was at the Tavern, I was either drunk, ingag'd in a quarrel, and so involv'd in blood, or else at play, if not at a Bawdy house, which places I could not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one of mine own at home. For I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more then ordinarily handsom, whom I commonly vitiated either by presents, or promises if I got them with Child. When I was weary of one, I pay'd her off with some addition to her wages, and entertain'd another, who would in a short time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors, being ambitious, to lie with her Master, and vainly hopeing that to be the first step to her preferment, thinking of nothing presently but marrying, and so be Mistress. In three years that I liv'd as a Master I had nine Illegitimates, which I knew, four whereof were begotten of my Maids, which put me to a vast expence: Two of the Mothers would have forc'd me to have marry'd them, or allow'd them competent maintenance, (for they were subtil cunning baggages) had I not by a wile got them aboard, and never heard of them since. Besides two or three terrible Claps which cost me a considerable sum in their cure: This distemper, as it caused a consumption in my Pocket, so it impaired my wonted strength and almost spoiled my—



For now it is much like Paul's Seeple turn'd
A stately thing before the top was burn'd.

I now began to be sensible of my folly, and so resolv'd to take up in time, and redeem by degrees my lost credit by a temperate sober life; but that I found I had wasted my self extreamly, by which means I became less capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a manner satiated; I question whether I should have had now such penitent thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and constantly; I would not drink with any but at home; my sudden alteration made people admire, and the suddenness of my reformation was the common discourse of all my Neighbours: The Parson of our Parish hearing of my strange alteration, came to me, which I admir'd at; For before, he that had the least care or respect of his Reputation, would avoid all occasions of being seen in my company, least they might be suspected extravagant and deboist.



Pares cum paribus facilime Congregantur, Birds of a Feather will flock together.

The shortness of his hair declar'd him a Circumcision of the old man, but his triple cap, or three caps on his head show'd though he hated the very name of Rome or Babylon, yet he loved formerly a Whore in private, though common. His Cloak was fac'd down with zeal before, and his Band appear'd but as a broad hem; to show that a hem, with two or three formal spits, or a feigned Cough, was the usual supply of his discourse when he had thrasht himself in a Cloak, out of breath in the Pulpit. His looks resembled the bleer ey'd printing at Geneva (and his face like that course sort of ragged paper on which they work off their impressions. After he had set his face into a Platform, he delivered himself. I shall not relate exactly his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being sensible, non est tutum ludere cum sacris; but give you the substance, which was first a reproof for my extravagancies; secondly, some general instructions, (pickt out at common place books (for my future practice; and lastly some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed (without looking back) in the ways of Holiness: on which three points he ran divisions strangely, till Dinner time, and then his stomack petition'd him to shut his mouth, least it should be depriv'd of its appetite by receiving in too much air.

In this seeming strictness of life I liv'd two or three months, and now some began to have charitable thoughts of my Soul; and that I might regain my runnings out by future diligence and industry.

I had several Matches offer'd me, which I saw, but liked them not; for I had always been a general Lover, and could not now come to particulars. At last it was my misfortune to see one, whom I was wisht to; which at first sight robb'd me at once, both of my self and good company.

Formerly I was pleasant and affable, desirous and desired of good society, but never liv'd till now an Anchorite on Earth. Neither did I ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free liberty to wander. But now at last I fell from my primitive liberty, losing it totally, by dotage on a creature, and that a Woman too: It was Gods just judgment on me for my manifold sins to throw this thing in my way for me to stumble at. And it will appear in its due place that she was a bow'd token of my Makers displeasure sent me, for she was Crooked.

CHAP. XIV.

 

How he was Married, and what kind of thing his Wife.

I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we were all satisfied. My Courtship was very noble, yet not prodigal, for fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were Marry'd. By her looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her ears.

The first night I thought to have had the first taste, but my experience told me the Tarriers had been there before. This struck me into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin whiteness, and the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was more then bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.

Now began our domestick civil wars, which was carried on with such fury between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could rest in quiet for flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the silent Woman to the life: Before we were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the two Monosyllables of I and No; and those too must be forcibly extracted from her. But now her tongue wag'd in perpetual motion, and her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though a piece of Ordinance were discharg'd neer her at the same time. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affection from me, so that their onely study was hovv to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excuse her ovvn Devilry) had so instigated them, that they sought my ruine. Besides, they laid an imbargo on the rest of my Wifes portion unpaid; advising her withal to secure vvhat she could, for her own self preservation. She follovved their instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very declining condition, yet knevv not the cause till it vvas too late, conveying away both my Goods and money, some vvhereof vvent to supply the necessities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether so capable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest passions, could not turn my distemper into a disease (although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer then the true substance) till knowledg hereof (confirm'd me by the witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk, my Wife received me in that condition (I perceiv'd by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and vvas immediately carryed up to bed, vvith much difficulty they undrest me, pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems by the story that my wife presently sent avvay my Maid (which vvas her Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour: About nine of the Clock the Maid vvas posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the door, he needed not to knock there any longer, for there vvas one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg'd they vvere incircled in each others armes, (vvhich I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the Stairs, and thereby knevv where about they vvere; I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepared ready) and thinking to have ran them through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I past my Svvord through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At vvhich they made a most hideous out-cry, so that the Maid came running dovvn, and a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the door, to know vvhat vvas the matter: the maid apprehending the danger, let him in, vvho by the help of his Candle never saw so strange a sight. For I had so pind them together that they could not stir. I durst swear my tool was then much stiffer then his. As well as they could speak they both begg'd their pardon for their lives onely, which I granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen'd last night. Insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off handsomely the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach. To which I added that had I deny'd her things requisite or necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me onely as a false Crow set up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self. But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elsewhere.

They reply'd but little, hastning to their Daughter, and fearing worse mischief might ensue, they instantly convey'd her into the Country. She had not remain'd there long, before she was Cur'd, and not enduring to be confin'd to solitariness, repair'd again to the City, where now she lives, as such do that keeps Civet Cats; but I hear she is very reserv'd to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go with these Lines pin'd to her back.



If Husbands are the Head, then Wifes I see
By consequent must needs the body be.
She is a Monster then, hence may be said
That can survive the losing of her Head,
Inverting Natures course, she doth not fail
To live not by her Head, but working tail;
Which lately wrought so much, I heard some say,
She might have spent her self to death that way.
Now fare thee well, for thou art dead to me,
So would I have such headless truncks to be.
See, see, she walks again, and doubtless will
If I don't exercise her, haunt me still.
Why do I call her Ghost thus, since she's known
By some of late to have both flesh and bone.
Well she's the Centaurs body, I the rest,
But never read his front e're bore a crest,
For this same cause I did make use of art,
And from this she beast took my manly part
Now for some Squire to mount her that can ride well
And let him ride her off her legs to Bridewell.

I must confess my own faults as well as condemn others; which was, I was too inquisitive after that which the more I knew of would the more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity in this renders a man as ridiculous as a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir John Suckling mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, wether he was made so in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty officiating Cavalier pull'd off his Spurs first or not, &c.

Well it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom'd to prison, who expecting to lie in a private room is confined to the Hole. Had I married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks. 'Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv'd by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage I might have easily understood that her behaviour, in the presence of me was onely like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scare sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill luck in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall in the ensuing Discourse, giving you some instruction or advice as Landmarks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to another that would sail this way

CHAP. XVIII.

 

Some Observations concerning Love and Women; selected out of the choycest Commentators on their nature, together with his own experimental reflections.

Love tis confest is a Natural distemper, a kind of small Pox, most have either had it, or is to expect it, and the sooner the better. Surely I was never well cur'd on't, or else I had not thus fallen into a Relaps. Want of knowledg misguided me at first, and so I fell into a Quagmire; but I know not what possest me to ride afterwards into another on purpose. Love-seeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for nothing, like some fruit trees which must be transplanted before they will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this nature doth seed, the encrease thereof is dissatisfaction, sorrow and vexation multiplied. This aforementioned is not truly love but lust; for I cannot believe that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject; neither would I have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman. If there be Love it should be to Heaven, a male friend, relations, or our Countries preservation, and not to a Female piece of imperfection. And yet nothing will serve the turn, but monopolizing it by Marriage, because he would make it surely our own, and nevertheless our own till then. For if she be young, she is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if she be handsome, she is the more subject to go out at check. Faulkners that can but seldom spring right game, should still have something to take them down. The lure to which all stoop in this World, is either garnisht with profit or pleasure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you must be content to shew out the other. Consider again that woman (besides the trouble) is a Rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often inclos'd, yet he cannot for his life stop so well one gap, but it will lie open for any stragler, by which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful. And why should a woman be deny'd the liberty of breaking a pane in her own window, or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salliport, letting in whom she esteems as friends. If you will not give them the permission, you must be forc'd to wink when you take it, or do worse, cross them, and they will endeavour the not leaving a cross in your Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the dearest way of curing love. Faring with such as it doth with those for the most part that at great charges wall in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have eaten Mellons elsewhere then Cucumbers in their own Garden. Besides, it is a gross piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age, when the cause of love may perish for a month, and then the effect will follow. If it be natures paint in the face, that doth induce you; those beautiful flowers of red and white, a disease will quickly wither, if not, ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty.

But the ill consequents of Marriage are more to be considered, which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex. Eve by stumbling at the Serpents solicitations cast her Husband out of Paradice; nor are her Daughters surer of foot being foundred by the heat of lust and pride. It were something if Marriage could answer the expectation of all she boasts the cure of; for instead of quenching the hot coals of concupiscence, it aggravates the simple sin of Fornication, making it sprout into Adultery. What might be said more as to this subject, I shall refer the Reader to the Writings of that ingenious Gentleman Mr. Francis Osborne. If any more (like boys stript and stand shivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirlepit, and so endanger the loss of themselves, let them first look upon Love to be an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous consequence. If I could perswade you from loving, one would think the other then would be disregarded, but some to their cost can speak the contrary. In the first place, marry none but whom you love, for he that marries where he doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to love one particular person, some are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy: For absence doth in a kind remove the cause, removing the object. Others think that frequent visits (whereas the rarity of them indears the affection (may by a surprizal discover some defects, which though they cure not absolutely, yet they qualifie the vehement heat of an amorous Feavour; and as near as can be let it be unseasonably, either when she is in sickness or disorder, by that a man may know she is but mortal, and but a woman; the last would be enough to a wise man for an Antidote. Enter into discourse with her of things she daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amiss to contrive your self into the company of variety, especially such beauties which are generally cry'd up, and if you can, taste them all, (but now I think on't it is no matter, one is sufficient for a surfeit) for this Malady is better remedy'd this way, then by abstinence: good jovial company will much conduce to the cure.

But, I like not the prescription of Marriage, since it is the last and most dangerous receipt; like a kind of live Pigeons apply'd to the soals of the feet, which remedy to say truth, is worse then the disease: Were it possible for a Woman to be constant to one, something might be said, but I never yet tried any which did not very much show their displeasures when offer'd some kindness, but never found any to refuse them if opportunity and privacy of place admitted their reception, which have made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and fidelity to my Father.

VVhat I now utter is not deriv'd from prejudice to that Sex, grounded on my own Wifes disloyalty; but experience tells me this, which most past sixteen very well understand, that there are few Women, let them pretend what they please, but will yield to the temptations of the flesh, and so much the sooner, by how much she professeth some new light, which is the Ignis fatuus that leads them into the Quagmires of all sorts of erroneous Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn Light they dazle the eyes of such as would pry into their actions, whiles behind in the dark they sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered.

Experience dictates what I here express; for I have had converse with several of these Religious pretenders that in the very act would very much inveigh against Adultery with their tongues, whilest their bloods willingly consented to the commission of that sin, and then immediately after seem extremely pensive, using these and such like formal expressions; Fie, fie, I wonder how you durst sin thus, even before the face of your Creator. Do you think he saw you not? yea verily, and you shall answer for what you have now done; whereas it could never have been done without a mutual consent.

They will make it their daily discourse speaking , 49 against such whose natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of their lusts, and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how they may secretly and securely accomplish the same thing.

To conclude, Woman in general is the very extract of inconstancy, and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely love one man. Such who are found constant to their Husbands, prefering their welfare before the indulging of their own by-respects, ought to be lookt on no less then Miracles of their Sex, by such who are acquainted generally with Female dispositions and actions.

CHAP. XIX

 

He cheats his Creditors by knavish breaking, and runs away for Ireland. He is Shipwrackt on the Isle of Man.

Whilst my Credit was good, I thought good to make use of it, lest that failing, I should want an opportunity to march off with flying Colours. To raise my repute amongst my Neighbours (whom I knew would spread abroad what they had seen) I caus'd a Porter (whom I could intrust) to carry out privately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come with a trusty friend of mine with that, and five or six hundred pound bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I presently tumbled the Money out of the bag (which had really money in it) on the Counter, purposely making a great noise: having told it over (my friend standing by the while) I put it up, and pretending to lay that aside and take another, I took up the same again, so doing till I had told it over five or six times; then writing in publike view a Receipt, with much civility and respect I dismist my Gentleman. And thus I did thrice in a months time; so that by this means without suspition I conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods which people thought I had sold, and therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby rendred me a man of vast dealing, so that now I had goods daily offer'd me, some whereof I receiv'd, promising to them payment at three months, others at six; whereas I intended they should stay till her had her twelve Apostles for her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I did, not mattering at what rate. To some of the more wary sort I confest a judgement for their security. I needed not to have spoken in the Singular number, for I deluded four with my Judgements. What commodities I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and so went away, leaving my Creditors to sue out a Statute of Bankrupt if they so pleas'd, which I valu'd not if once out of their reach. To my chiefest Creditor I sent these lines, to the intent he should not tax me with incivility for going away, and not sending him word.



Credit doth strengthen such whose Trades are weak,
But too much Credit Sir did make me break.
Credit to sinking Tradesmen is a prop,
But had you kept your Wares, I'de kept my Shop.
Pray do not blame me Sir, because I show
A way to pay those many debts you owe:
Which you may do, if you'l advised be,
Which is in short, prepare to follow me.
Believe me faithful Sir in what I say,
I went before, but to shew you the way:
But if you will not, don't lament your loß.
For in your Money I do bear the croß.
Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit;
Good Sir preserve it, for y' ave paid for it.

I rid post for Holy-head night and day, so that I arriv'd there in a very short time: going to dismount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise again; continually and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body, notwithstanding it was swath'd for that purpose. The next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Rarities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues, before the Skye darkned; the Wind blew hard at South-East, and the Waves rose mountain high: In an hours time we were forc'd to cut our Masts by the board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt on my self as Jonas, and was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morning we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who knew now there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray'd in my life before; but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little while, which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a Rock: we were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a Woodden-Horse . Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as looking upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer, but crying, Lord have mercy on my Soul, committed himself to the merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt off the next; now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown'd. Day broke, so that we could discern we were not a Coits cast from the Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go we could not, our joynts were so benum'd by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither we repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, and informed where we were. We stay'd about a week in this Isle of Man, without one farthing expence. For the Inhabitants are generally very civil and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for Dublin.

CHAP. XX.

 

His Arrival into Ireland: he changeth his Name: what trick he serv'd his first Landlady; all his Money being spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt which he expected to follow him.

We landed at a place called Ringsend about a mile from Dublin. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spake thus: By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arra look here is one by thine own side. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his Ringsend-Coach, as he call'd it, it was Wheel-barrow fashion, only it had two Wheeles not much bigger then a large Cheshire Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of a Scotch-Hobby; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither Coacht nor Carted, but I fancy'd my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of Execution, which afterwards experimentally I found Dublin to be; many of its Inhabitants call this City Divlin, quasi Divels Inn, and very properly it is by them so term'd; for there is hardly a City in the World that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general their Azylum or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my Hair off, ordering him to bring me a Perriwigg of an absolute contrary colour to mine own hair, to the intent, that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady call'd me by that name, I either star'd her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr'd. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and Money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) call'd upon me for what I ow'd her. For a little while I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgment attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first onely some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and disrespected. My Hostess again, was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceiv'd that she had been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancy'd I could work upon her Female frailty: I us'd all means possible to get her alone, which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief, how dearly I lov'd her; she reply'd little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her all I enjoy'd, and my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleas'd into her possession. No, no, she would say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, &c.

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolv'd to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cry'd out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, In the name of —— what art? I am, said I, (and then she wakt too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery, to that intent I came hither to be fully satisfi'd of what I have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, your youthful dayes are past, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own lodging, and that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction. This was what I aim'd at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation, to be so caught, incontinently married her, though all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) prov'd ineffectual.

CHAP. XXI.

 

He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is to be indigent, by what he suffer'd in that condition.

This ten pound I received from my old leacherous Dotard, made its Exit almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to have purchas'd Mountains in Ireland (and indeed there is too great plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me afterwards that my designe was hazardous, and so it prov'd, for I met with a person that bubled me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingag'd besides for my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me, yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if compell'd to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmatcht.



I thought my self secure, for I could top,
By which I've forc'd some Cits to leave their shop.
I palm'd, and put the change upon them too;
I only studyed how I might undo.
But now I'm met with, 'tis but just I see,
That he which others cheats, should cheated be.

I return'd to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety and perturbation of mind I shall give any looser leave to imagine, whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak, and I hope the Reader will give me that liberty, since the Proverb intaileth on the looser that Priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who seem'd very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards the occasion of his not crediting me. From hence I will advise all to speak as little as they can of ills that betide them; but we cannot discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my Landlord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my Lodging; wherefore I seldom came home till night. Neither would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them: my usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self had drank so much, and that I admir'd at my self, for being so sober; whereas to deal ingeniously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I pretend that my Lord—Gentleman over-perswaded me to dine with him, and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had receiv'd some detriment thereby; and therefore beg'd an excuse; whereas a dry crust taken out of my Leather Cupboard was all the varieties the Gentleman-Usher of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they would have sworn I was eating Wallnuts, shells & all. Now did I learn to drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise Adam in Paradice would not have been without a cup of Ale.

Every morning I offer'd up my Devotions either to St. Patrick , or St. James, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a day, after I had offer'd up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of the best Tobacco) I kneel'd, not using the common way of drinking out of the chained iron dish, but with greater adoration suckt it as it came through the conveyance. After a walk to Kilmanum (about a mile from Dublin) or some other place to prepare my stomack, I return'd to Christ-Church, frequently dining there with Sir Richard Strang-bow: Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot but tell you my thoughts of both.



Sir Richard Strang-bow keeps an house where Wine
And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine.
Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he'l say,
(Though not one bit came near his mouth that day)
He plentifully din'd with him, so let him still
Till he hath found his empty belly fill,
Where I ne're could, which made me hate in fine
Sir Richard Strang-bows Feasts, St. Patricks Wine.

I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long unaccustomed to their duty, knew not how to perform their gaping office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have made me foul my breeches, because I seldom us'd any thing that might cause excrements. And therefore I wondred to hear any enquire for an house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by discharging a blast of wind (whose fury scattered small stones underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal plainly, should I have found a propensity, I would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly. Some Moveables I had left, which I was forc'd to dispose of, to keep the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my stomack for detaining too long what was receiv'd, challenging a propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-timber of a quick concoction; because, it should stay the longer within me. To this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot disgest it self; and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective quality it locks up fast the Postern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again (if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing lest by chewing it, my stomack would too suddenly give it a passport to my Hypo-gastrium; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my stomack, and the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of sleep. If I chanc'd to nod at any time, I dream'd of nothing but eating, my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starv'd hound on a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell whether I was alive or not. Somtimes I was of the opinion that I dy'd in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of Man, and that I was now a Soul in Purgatory.

Immediately after my arrival into this place, the Itch and Bunniah , or Flux, (the two grand Epidemical distempers of Ireland) gave me their wellcome into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all promised to stick to me and be my bosom-friends, neither would they forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best and fairest promising friends left me when fortune committed me prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed Goaler, Poverty. I was grown so lean, that the Mungril Scotch and Irish Gentleman the Itch, finding not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the French Complement, Adieu pouvre Gentilhome. The Flux staid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts, took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me. Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fastning thereon, resolv'd to follow after; some making more then ordinary hast, broke their necks off the cape of my Cloke, missing their footing, the threds thereof being spun out by time as fine as those of Arachnes working.

To conclude, I was a meer walking Skeleton, my skin only serv'd as a mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an approved Philosophical axiome, proving a vacuum.

One time passing by the Castle-Gate, a Souldier fir'd his Musquet, and I protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I relate every particular wherein the malevolency of Fortune afflicted me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with the remembrance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagin the deplorableness of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor Credit, & in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people, nor their Language.

CHAP. XVI.

 

He falling accidentally into a strange house, endeavours to build a sconce, but is frustrated of his intent. The old Hosteß pitties him at first, and relieves him, and continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet; further insisting on the misery he then endur'd.

I was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheese, or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by continual smoking, that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune so favoured me one day, that I found a groat, which put me into an extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast sum of four pence, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I found my self in a victualing house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding some Dæmon through the air. I call'd for some meat, but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some said, it was the Eccho of some person speaking in the next house: Others of the wiser sort believ'd me to be some Spectrum, or Apparition; and that the Devil had assum'd a body speaking in that Mortuum cadaver. The truth it of is, 'twas something hard to determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Physitian in the house at that time, who looking on me narrowly, openly proclaim'd that I was the workmanship of some Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had artificially skin'd them over, and that German Clockwork caus'd my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions, but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken; but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame retain'd, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. Speak (said he tremblingly) what art? I was somewhat puzled at his question, for I knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. Why then thou woulst have flesh, said he. After several discourses to this purpose, I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he imagined. And yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent questions, as whether I could see; and his reason was, because he could discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since accidentally, &c. I was forc'd to tell him at last that it was the Country-disease that had reduc'd me to this condition. Hearing me say so, he pittied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor.

, 65

The good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew near then confidently, and demanded what I would have? I told her any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus, About to pay my Reckoning my Groat got into a piece of paper. I fumbled a great while in my Pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had foul'd my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you so please. I thought I should now have dy'd with laughter at her strange proposition; but the woman star'd upon me, not knowing whither I grin'd or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals some body else shall. I offer'd her my Groat, which she refus'd, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.



But she for her part, thought it was unjust.
To listen to the arguments of trust.

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while, then assoon as she had turn'd her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus'd instantly a bed to be warm'd, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, and in fine shew'd a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aim'd at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, and grew indifferent strong, she gave me moneys in my Pocket, and told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I acknowledg'd how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautifull, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with Venus, though in Conjunction with this Succubus. We us'd not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers that are alwayes saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we compleated our work. Had any seen us in this posture they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that Flora was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthfull Phæbus had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forc'd to desist, finding his powerfull endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw, I now conceited my self fallen into an Irish bog, and I apprehended my danger the greater, because I found no rushes growing there, which is an observation of the people, judging the bogg passable which hath such things growing thereon. She now thought not any thing too good for me, and that which I call'd before a bog, I found afterwards to be a rich Mine. When ever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I lov'd her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions, if I wanted a summ consierable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us'd that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Laborynth of all sorts of miseries, and that I appear'd both in feature and garb so excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short, I was now very well apparell'd, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem'd it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.

CHAP. XXIII.

 

He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations as he travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting to board a small Irish Pinnace.

I began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the Indies. About to amount, she retrived my intentions, clasping me in her armes; I should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air. Being on Horse-back she so bath'd her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moisture, deriv'd from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the Pig-woman in Ben's Bartholomew fair. Had not her watry Flood-gates drown'd her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way I rid till my return. Well there is no fool like the old doting fool: And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person. Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward if they admit him into their private familiarity, because they find fond man so passionate and impatient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one will not meddle with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her beautiful allurements is disregarded, and lookt on as no fit subject for Love to treat on; not but she may have as youthful desires as any; and if that way inclin'd, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her self satisfaction, and that she may not lose her Stallion, constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose, coming to Balle-more-Eustace, a little beyound the Town, (which is in the County of Wicklow) there is a small River in the Summer time not above knee deep, I perceived a young woman about to cross it, drawing to the water, she stood not on the niceties of modesty, but pull'd up her Cloathes to the wast. The sight hereof stopt me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and my flesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glitter'd like a thred of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all over every night; the meaner sort assoon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical Countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudg that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness: her plump thighs, &c. and round soft belly I must not speak of, least the Relation kindle as great a flame in you, as the sight thereof did in me. I dismounted and addrest my self to her in English, she answer'd me in her own language, she understood me not; Then did I make use of that little Irish I had learn'd, which were some fragments of lecherous expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the thick and spreading tops of the Trees seem'd to lay their heads together in conspiracy to keep out not onely the Suns entry, but also the curious search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hand on her thighs, &c. which onely were the Preludiums of what should follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different from the English . We use to say, that where we gain over any woman the liberty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire: Whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For assoon as she saw me ready to engage, she cry'd out incessantly, Whillallalloo; and presently I could hear this ululation eccho'd. I had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flaile, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation I received was from the Flaile which fail'd, but little of doing my business: the next my Horses Crupper receiv'd, the poor beast being civily bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had been Monarch of that Soyl. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me, in so much that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so nimble that one of them were continually before me hindring my flight, while'st the other drub'd me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I had in my Pocket charg'd without a bullet; I drew it, presented, and pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were, I fir'd it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ'd he had been shot, and so out of conceit (for they are naturally very timorous) fell down as dead, the other seeing that, ran away as swift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I receiv'd, sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of injoying a woman since, but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from Baltinglass I took up my quarters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chimney in it too, more then there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man wel-com'd me after his fashion, but I think an Anthropophagus or Indian Man-eater would have done it as civilly. I bid him set up my Horse by signes, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin, our Dining room, Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry, and Buttery, being all one without distinction or separation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were plac'd above, that was our Hay-loft. The only door of our Inn was a large hurdle much like a sheep pen. The Bannettee or good wife of the house, could speak a little broken English. I askt her what I should have for Supper? Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. Patrick a gra. I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt, and withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wetted with Inke. Seost tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. Patrick did ever eat better ting. I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion: For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe, the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judg'd it to be the ruines of the first Pipe that was made, which was convey'd from one of that family to another, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it. They offer'd me some snuffe too (which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I call'd for some drink, (to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little satisfaction I desir'd to go to Bed. That I should instantly they said, but I wondred where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seem'd by the sequel, which she spreading on the ground covered them with a Caddow or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my only comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my Drawers and Stockins, I laid my self down. About two houres after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in before out of civility to me) all their family being within doors, the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked lay down altogether by my side, which seem'd somewhat strange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore very early I discharg'd my Reckoning, and so set forward for Dublin with all the expedition I could, not liking the Countrey entertainment. I would not ride the same way back as I came, to avoid my bone breakers; but it had been as well; for coming to a River that I must foar'd, I askt a fellow which was the safest place; he pretended no knowledge of what I said, wherefore making signs to him, he answer'd me again with his hand directing me to such a place; at the first step my Horse and I plung'd over head and ears, and had not my Horse been strong we had both perished. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me, the villain was e'ne almost out of sight, Such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the English, naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of other mens experience.

CHAP, XXIV.

 

The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of French Wine from the Custome-house.

Tracing the streets I chanc'd to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness of whose pace inform'd me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in the same sport I shall open his Wardrop. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not sometimes another property, and of which one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all Royal dignity, having lost its crown, and yet his crime would not be allow'd of as capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in another, the brims whereof being so large they might have conveniently serv'd as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenuous squire politickly had pin'd up the brims on one side, that he might have some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin'd up on the one side lookt much like a trap door pull'd up. His Band was so torn and dirty as if he had but just come from some fray, and least passion should prove obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In what condition his Doublet was behind I could plainly discover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a Billiard Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches but it put me in mind of the Scotch Flaggs that hung up in Westminster. His skirts were so liquor'd and greas'd, that in case of extremity they might have serv'd for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in. By his countenance he seem'd like a man of courage and ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to what ever I said, and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable I know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir'd parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his Cloak? O Sir, said he, (to be plain) I have a maim'd Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound then the intromission of Air; which that Network garment of yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He reply'd, 'Tis true Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my self by fishing.

I was so well pleas'd in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procur'd him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness, the last thing he put on was his Shoes, finding them to have Soals they added new life to him.



But did before in one condition roul,
And both appear'd as if they had no Soul.

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads, had I but assistance. You shall not want mine Sir (said he) even to the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular favour your have now confer'd on me. Having walkt there a while we went down to a place call'd Lazy-hill, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my design, they willingly promis'd their helping hand, and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty Hogshead, we fill'd it vvith vvater and away vve vvent in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, vvhere I planted three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the Coast clear above, they should vvith slings (vvhich they had for that purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; vvhich done they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome the other side the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other carried me to the Lodg. The drink being come, they minded that so much, they had forgotten their duty, and I ply'd them so close with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone, pretending our boat was a drift, we took our leaves, for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.



What Moses did in the Creators name,
By art Egyptian Magick did the same.
Since I have read of Water turn'd to Wine,
This Miracle is opposite to mine.
For I (though never yet a Rhenish hater)
Have by my art converted Wine to Water.

I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good jest, which pleas'd me near upon as much as our purchase, Being five of us concern'd, we scorn'd to sell our Wine, but contracting with some to find Sugar, with others Westphalia hams, or such like relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over ranting and roaring till we had drein'd the Hogshead dry.

CHAP. XXV.

 

His Landlady dieth, and so is left again to live by his wits; his Comerade is hang'd, with some hints of his desperate, irreligious, and atheistical tenents.

In the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady was dangerously sick, and that she desir'd to speak with me instantly; thinking it was only a fit of her lecherous and fallacious itch, I made no great haste, but at length I went: Assoon as I entred within her doors, I received the sad tidings of her death. I ran up stairs (not believing this report, because I would not have it so) but found it too true, Viewing her as she lay I perceiv'd her hand fast clincht: I took it into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which I conceive she intended to have bestow'd on me whilest living, as her last Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and presently made enquiry how she had dispos'd of her Estate; but I receiv'd little or no satisfaction herein, onely to my great vexation, I heard she often to the very last call'd much upon me.

I stay'd not above two or three days in the house, but I was forced to leave it.

I met with my obliged friend, to whom I communicated my late misfortune: he like an experienc'd Stoick councel'd me to bear my loss patiently, since that it is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty, much more to sink under the burden of any vexatious cross, or remediless loss. We discours'd what expedient we were best to take, and to encrease our small stocks by some witty exploit. We propounded many things which we approved not of. We thought of turning Highway men, but I disswaded him from that, by informing him that money is very scarce, and that men of 500 l. per annum usually traveled 30 or 40 miles with a single Cob, or piece of eight, not so much for fear of robbing as for want of Coyn, and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are very cheap, because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchace them. Why then said he, there is money enough in the Exchequer. But said I, it is so difficult to come at that I will not hazard my life in the attempt. Hearing me speak in this manner, he lookt upon me in derision; saying, That fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg'd in the Soul of man, and that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear, Secundum Religionem Stoici: And that man deserv'd not the fruition of the least happiness here, that would not, rather then go without it, venture his neck.

We had so hot a contest about this, that we parted in anger, and never saw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three more besides himself combin'd to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, convicted and condemned. Hearing hereof I gave him a visit in Prison; expressing much sorrow for , 81 what he was to suffer; but he onely laught at me for my pains. I desir'd him to be more serious, since three days would put a period to his life, and then he must give an account to his Creator of what he had done on earth, and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of debauchery here, yet without cordial repentance we must suffer for it hereafter. Prythee, said he, do not trouble thy head with such idle fancies. That there is a God I cannot, nor will not deny, since there are Regiments of Arguments levied both from the stately fabrick of the arched Heaven, and from the inimitable embroidery of the flowry earth which are sufficient to conquer that infidelity, and render men tributaries to the all-forming Essence. But that this God should be so unjust (who is al goodness) as to make the intent of my Creation damnation, it shall never come within the verge of my belief: if there be any punishment for criminal commissions, it must be annihilation, or nothing. Quote not me the Scriptures for my conviction if I err, since they are full of contradictions, and contain many things incredible. Neither do I know (since we are forbidden murder) why Abraham should kill his Son Isaac, and the same person commit Adultery with his maid Hagar, (which is largely describ'd) & yet we are commanded the contrary; if we borrow or steal, we are enjoyn'd to make restitution; notwithstanding, the Israelites were permitted to borrw the Egyptians Ear-rings without giving satisfaction. In this manner I could cavil ad infinitum; and yet this Book is the Basis of Christianity. Let me tell you plainly, Religion at first was only the quaint Leger-de-main of some strong pated Statesmen, who to over awe the Capriciousness of a giddy multitude, did forge the opinion of a punisher of all humane evil actions. What was Mahomet but an Impostor, whose palpable cheats grew up in his successors into a Religion, and whose inventions were and are receiv'd with as much adoration by the wisest of men, as is the Orthodox Veneration (as they term it) to a Deity, which is the object of Christian worship. The Popes piety is onely pride and ambition, and yet he pronounces Damnation against all such as are not of his belief, &c. If you will know the diversity of Religions, (all oppugning on the other) take a view thereof in Mr. Ross his Pansebeia. Now seeing the rational soul hath fail'd so oft' and so absurdly in its discoveries, how or why should we submit our selves slavishly to its determinations. For that which doth at some times err, can never at any time be concluded infallible.

He would have proceeded, But I desir'd him to desist, which request of mine made him bid me be gone and not to trouble him, which I willingly did not, imagining him to have such good parts and withall not having so much understanding in Christianity as to confute him by argument, but I hoped his own Conscience would perform that office when he came to the place of Execution.

The day being come, I resolved to see the final end of my friend. And there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes. For as soon as the Halter was about his neck, he roar'd so loud with his voice, that it could not but awake the most lethargick conscience that ever the Devil lull'd asleep. There I might see and know by the urinal of his eyes, and the water standing therein, what convulsion fits his soul suffer'd, his own mouth confessing how grievously his diseased soul was stretched upon the rack of dispair: then it was that the voluminous Registers of his conscience, which did formerly lye claps'd in some unsearcht corner of his memory, were laid open before him, and the Devil, who hitherto gave him the lessning end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses & damned opinion, now turn'd the magnifying end to his eye, which made him cry out at last; for the merits of thy Son Jesus Christ whom I have despis'd with thy Holy Scriptures, have mercy on my soul; and so was turn'd off.

CHAP. XXVI.

 

He paßeth for a Batchelour, Courts several under the pretence of Marrying them, by which he perswades some out of their Maiden-heads; others out of their Money, with which he goes for England; At Chester he cheats his Landlord, where having all things requisite to compleat an Highway-man, followeth that trade, he is met with by some of that gang, who intending to rob him he discovers his intentions, and they admit of him into their society.

Being left now to shift for my self, having lost the main prop that sustain'd me in all conditions, I addrest my self to Courtship. Beauty was not the mark I aimed, the purchase thereof producing little profit, since it self is most commonly the sole reward; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence outvying all therein, least any interpose. Either wealthy and aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in Service as a bait to procure an Husband, such did I daily hunt out and visit them by turns. I was not sparing of amorous expressions, showing therein the height of zeal. By which means I deluded several. Some I was forced to give earnest to for their Commodities, before they would trust me with what they had. This course I followed till I was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round sum of money by me, I borrowed whereever I could, so crossing S. Georges Channel and landed at Chestor. I took up my quarters in a very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head of Cattel comeing. The Master of the house taking notice of my extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus'd to be spread abroad, lodg'd me with much respect in one of the best Chambers of his house.

The Wind favoured my design as much as I could desire, for it blew East-North-East, by which no Shipping could come out of Ireland. One day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by reason of the non arrival of my Cattel, I was disappointed of Moneys, and therefore I desired him to lend me ten Pounds, and he should satisfie himself in the first choice of the best of my beasts when they came, and swore to him I would perform my promise to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that without any scruple he lent me the money. Being Market-day I bought an excellent: Gelding with Furniture thereunto belonging, with Sword and Pistols, and in this Equipage mounted, I took my leave of my credulous Landlord, without speaking a word to him. I had not rid far before three well mounted rid by me, (I found them afterwards to be the Van-guard) having as many more in the Rear. At the bottom of an Hill they before faced about, and bidding me stand those in the Rear reinforced the Van. One of them clapping a Pistol at my breast, commanded me forthwith to deliver, Swearing three or four full mouth'd Oaths. I told them I was or would be one of their society. They examined my Pockets, and finding store of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it. I invented a lye to their general satisfaction; which was, I had met with a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occasion of my being so well furnisht, but that which confirm'd them most was my being so well provided with Pistols in my Holsters, Pockets, and Boots. Instead of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion; and all of them carest me in a very high manner, resolving to be merry at the next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother.

Having set up their Horses, they went into a Room before, I stay'd sometime after for the benefit of easing nature; coming in among them I thought my self mistaken in my company, & made proffer to go out again; but they laughing heartily called me back. I knew not one person, for they had pull'd off their false Beards, Vizards, Hoods, Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with those other disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces, so that they appear'd as other men. Come said the chief (as I guest him to be by the sway he bore over the rest) you are a freshman, and therefore want some of our instructions, which in due time you shall receive from us. In the first place it is fit that you take an Oath, which every young Thief must observe that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his investation into the honour of one of the Knights of the Road: which was to this effect, First, they read a charge of secrecy, that what ever misfortune happened to clowd their freedom by rendring them as an object to Justice and the Law, they shall conceal their Complices to the death, or against any other jeopardy whatsoever, burying in oblivion not onely his Confederates, but also his manner of entrance into this way.

And further, they proceeded to swear me, that if the Judges should press me to a discovery of particulars, that then I must cunningly create some men in my fancy, devising not onely Names, but to each man a particular feature, describing their stature, complexion and age, as also their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off. And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the trial may be over or past; and then again this pretended discovery may purchase favour from the Bench.

Further, if I should be examined, why, and how I fell into these courses, I must then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well educated, but being a younger brother, I had not where withal allowed me for a subsistance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or disparage the stock from whence I came (here fetching a deep sigh, and looking very sadly) necessity constraining me to supply my wants, I fell into these wicked courses; which will make them think you are some misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside, and so cause them to take pity of your condition; and if their mercy extend to the remission of your guilt, it shall not onely wrest you from the punishment of the Law, but from the persecution of your past evils.

By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses; nor must conscience trouble us but dispence with every impiety, and glory in the greatest iniquities, counting him most honourable who is grown the oldest and most exquisite, experienced practitioner of all manner of vice. Much more was committed to my memory for future observation, which for brevity sake I shall omit.

CHAP. XXVII.

 

Some Instructions given me by our Grand-master Thief.

Composing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me whose long experience makes me able to command, and my love to you willing to instruct you. Ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantagious and least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the Road so, strictly view the Booties, that other mens misfortunes may enrich your condition, and the honest mans loss be your gain; and be sure you draw every advantage that may promote your cause to the longest extent. For your Masks and Chin-cloth, thus must you place them and fit them at a moment to disguise your faces, thereby to blind the intellects of such as by constraint pay tribute to your wants, who then can know and with considerate heed directly swear you are the man, when these artificial Vizards are withdrawn, and so the visible tokens vanish that might inform mens knowledge, what you are, and that your words may have a different sound after your voice, that so as your habit, face, and hair obscure your discovery; your speech (reputed undisguiseable) will add to your concealment and security.

Be sure you ingeniously contrive a Watch-word to your selves that may occasion no suspition; as we are like to have a fair day or a foul, according as the weather is like to prove, which being nam'd let every man fall to his work, those that are strongest at the grasp, and have hearts accordingly, let them seize first, alwayes duly observing this, to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your Sword. If he or they resist, the one prevents his flight, the other cuts, and so cools his courage. The weaker sorts charge is to bid stand, and confronting the Horse's head, present a Pistol fit for to discharge. If they deny delivering patiently what they have, but contend, you must wave all niceties, but cut them soundly; if that will not qualifie their foolish presumption, be sure you fire not without doing Execution, and then with what speed fly, after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field.

If you are pursu'd by an Hue and Cry, obscure your self in some place or other, and let it pass by you, and then to be sure it will never overtake you. If a Prize comes by, or in your sight, if up the Hill meet him, if down follow close at the heels, and having more in company then your self, let each man single out his choice which he likes to deal with, the coast being clear fall up all to your close order and side, be sure that you jointly seize your prize. But here observe let not any baseness of spirit unman you. For (speaking to me ) nature hath bestow'd on you the full proportion of limbs, and seem'st a man of courage, suitable to the largeness of thy manly size, but be not surpriz'd with fear or cowardise if the assailed boldly assaults thee.

Full fraught with the Documents which I receiv'd from my old experienc'd Master, I resolv'd upon some atchievement; between two and three in the afternoon I my self with four more set out; we planted our selves in a convenient place, only I was sent out for a discoverer, not rightly understanding my trade I wandred too far, but in my digression I met with a single person whom I bid stand, which he would have done, and as willingly have surrendred his purse, but that he was mounted on a stone-horse, I on a Mare. Assoon as I had given the word his stone-horse wheel'd off and came in the rear of me, I thinking he intended to crupper me, endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him, for there was something it seems under my Mares tail more powerful, which at that time I dreamt not of, I led him round and round several times circularly, the poor harmless Gentleman fearing he should provoke me too much by delays, the unruliness of his Horse hindring my seising the Booty, cry'd out worthy Sir, take what I have and spare my life, at that very instant his Horse rear'd his two fore feet upon me and my Mare, in so much that I thought he said, I'le take both Life and Money too presently; fear had then rendred me so incapable of performing the office of a Thief. With that I put spurs to my Mare, and flew through the air for the procuration of my safety. Notwithstanding I made what speed I could the other was close at my heels, striving and kicking with both my legs, one of my Pistols went off in my Pocket, the apprehension of the present danger had bereft me of the true use of my sense; for I imagined that my back friend had discharg'd at me, which made me roar out for quarter. He on the contrary concluded I fought Tartar like flying, and that I had fir'd it at him, which made him with much eagerness eccho out with repitition this expression, As you are a man, shew your self merciful . Sometimes he would say, for Jesus sake hold, good Sir stop, which made me ride more furiously, thinking he call'd to the Country, hold him, stop him; at last do what I could, his Stone-horse leapt up upon us, at that instant (by what means I know not) we all came headlong to the ground. I expected now that my imaginary adversary would be upon me, and cut my throat before I could recover my legs, wherefore I started uy and found my mortal foe up before me and upon the run. I could have hang'd my self to think I should be reckoned among the number of men, and yet want that spirit and courage which compleats a man; but loosing no time I pursu'd him, and easily made my self possessor of what he had; Sirrha said I, if e're I meet thee again, and find thee so obstinate, or durst resist, as now thou hast done I will tye thee to a Tree in some obscure place, where none can hear thy doleful cryes, and there for six days thou shall have no other food but what I shall bring thee. Once a day during that term I will visit thee, and each days Meat shall be either a piece of thine own Sword broken into small bits, or those Bullets (which thou intendest for the destruction of honest men) dissolv'd and mingled with Gunpowder, which shall be convey'd to thy mouth through the muzzle of thy own Pistol. It pleased me exceedingly to see how pitiful and submissively he lookt, for verily I durst not have utter'd half so much if he had shown an austere countenance.

As I was framing a lye to delude my Comerades (when I should meet them) into a belief how vallant I was, and dexterous in prosecution of that design I had newly undertaken, I lookt about me and saw them all at my elbow. I now believ'd (which I easily perceiv'd by their flearing looks) that they were all eye-witnesses of my dangerous encounter. Oh brother, said one, how is't, are you well? I askt him the reason of his impertinent question? Because, said he, we took notice of the great danger you were in even now, narrowly escaped of being shot by a Pocket Inkhorn. Without doubt, brother, you are very hard hearted to fly (riding full speed) at the very naming of, Good Sir be merciful, The poor harmless soul making frequent repetition thereof, but you stopping your ears for all intreaties, his Stone-horse seem'd to be his Advocate, and to that intent ran after your Mare, endeavouring to court her into an intercession for his Master.

I should never have stopt their mouths had I not shew'd them what I had gotten, which was not inconsiderable.

It was twy-light as we met with another Prize, which was of a different temper from the former. For though he and his fellow traveller were (comparatively to any of us) but Pigmies, yet of so undaunted resolution and unresistable courage, that neither threats of death, or torture (I am confident) could dull the edges of their couragious spirits, which might be in part understood by their deportment to us, for had we not slasht, carbonadoed, and forceably bound them, rather then they would have yielded willingly, they would have stoopt to death. Our power having subdued them, we withdrew them into a secret place, leaving them not any thing valuable. Then did I learn to search with so strickt care, that sooner might the Grand Turk turn Roman Catholick then conceal a penny from me; here was I taught to be deaf when the poor Traveller cries he is undone; and to be more flinty than Adamant, not to be mov'd with sighs or tears. Having ingag'd them by Oath not to follow us by Hue and Cry, or by means of a general rising of the Towns adjacent; these two fellows robbed, rifled and amazed, we left wrapt up in woes, and hasted away to secure our selves.

I shall conclude this Chapter with a Relation how I was quit with my Comrades upon the account of fear or timorousness. Neither could they justly tax me with it, since they are things entail'd upon the profession. For every Crow that flies extracts a fear, and every thing that doth but stir, or make the bushes rush, seem'd to our fearful fancy a Constable to apprehend us for our theft. I cannot forget how strong a confusion arose among us by a trifle, the meanes were so small, and the occasion so ridiculous, that when ever after I thought thereon (though by my self) I could not forbear laughing and condemn the timerity of such minds so meanly spirited. 'Twas thus in short, An Owle who to gain shelter from the troubles of a Sun-shine day, when all the airy tribe (wandering) flock to him, screen'd himself in the obscure retird residence of an hollow tree; no sooner had he cloister'd up himself, but between discontent and something of a pleasing satisfaction, he first utter'd his amazing screeks, being in a slumber, and dreaming of the assaults were made at him by his feathr'd enemies, of all sorts, and then again awaking, whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them; thus did he whoop and hollow incessantly, which infus'd such a terrour into our distrustfull minds, that Whips, Switches, and Spurs were all too few to expedite our hast. For we absolutely thought those Hollows were the out-cryes of the Country following us for what we had committed. We at length took Sanctuary in an Inn, where we had some interest and confidence in our security.

Understanding that our dayes work had been prosperous, our Host calls lustily for Sack, which the drawer doubles in the Bar, the Hostler must be one of our company too, and hail fellow with us, who knowing what courses we take, presume we dare not cavil, lest they betray our practices. Sic nos non nobis. So we rob for them, and not for our selves; for by that time we have profusely frolickt (a bill whereof shall be brought in of twice as much as was called for) and have bestowed our largesses to the Servants, and offer'd up our (expected) sacrifices to our Landlady, or her Daughter for some private favour received, we find our selves to have the least share, and so betake our selves to our trade till apprehension take from us that liberty, and the Law sentenceth us to pay our lives as a just debt we owe to Justice.

CHAP. XXVIII.

 

Scouring the Road, he lights on a Farmers house which he intended to rob, but desists from that resolution, falling in Love with his Daughter, who was exceeding beautiful; gets her with Child, under the pretence of Marriage, but afterwards refusing it, She and her Parents tax him with the undoing of the young Woman; whereupon he leaveth them, giving them no other satisfaction then what they could gather out of a Copy of Verses he sent them.

Riding along the Road I met with a young Girl with a Milk-Pail on her head, but I was amaz'd to see such perfection in one mortal face; I rid up to her very near, purposely to entertain some discourse with her, I propounded some questions to this pretty Country Girle; as, which was the readiest way to such a place? &c. which with much respect and modest confidence she resolv'd; she opening a gate to milk her Cows, I followed, and tying my Horse to an hedg, I beg'd her an excuse for being so rude and beseecht her charitable opinion of my present actions, assuring her I would not offer the least injury nor prejudice to her chastity. Being over-perswaded with my protestations and vows to that purpose, she admitted me to sit down and discourse with her whilest she performed the office of a Milk-maid. I I could hardly contain my self within the bounds of continence, when I viewed her pretty little hand stroking the Duggs, which indeed had so heightned my amorous passion, that I soon forgot my Oaths and Promises, but after some dalliance, what by intreaties and love perswasions, and what by corporeal strength I obtained the fruition of my desires. We then grew somewhat more familiar, but the burden of the Song was, I had undone her: let him that reads judg the truth thereof. We concluded at length that she should go home to her Fathers house, and that near night I would come thither likewise, according to the time appointed, as if I had never seen her before.

She subtilly goes in and acquaints her Father and Mother that there was a Gentleman (without) whom by his countenance, garb and jesture, shew'd himself no less; that fearing to travel farther, being night, knowing not the way, desir'd to rest himself there till morning. With much respects from her Parents to her own great satisfaction (which I discern'd in her eyes) I was kindly entertain'd, and nobly treated. That night we intended to be better acquainted by the renovation of our late enjoyments; but our unlucky Starrs were impropitious to our amorous designes. Next morning I seem'd to be very ill, that I might have some pretence for my staying, which I acquainted the Daughter withal, the old people were very loving and courteous, so that as soon as they heard thereof, With much pitty they visited me, and with as much care they provided what was necessary for me, I offer'd them money, shewing good store of Gold that they might have the better esteem of me. Thus I lay for at least a fortnight; several Doctors had been with me, but none knew my distemper. All this while I nightly had the society of my fresh Country Mistress, who after the first bout deviated from the common customes of her Sex, did not coyishly refuse that which was the center of her hopes, wishes and desires. Fearing least I might be suspected I left off counterfeiting, and shew'd them some recovery of my strength. When at any time the good old people would come into my Chamber to sit with me, the main subject of my discourse would be my resentment of their favours, and that if I liv'd I would gratefully repay them. Being restor'd to my former healthful condition, I one day told them I could never recompence their love and care of me but by marrying their Daughter, whom I told them I lov'd most affectionately. Her Parents made many excuses, as that she was but a poor Country Girle and the like, but glad I perceiv'd they were to hear such an overpriz'd motion. , 97 Nothing gave them greater content then to see us together, by which we had as many opportunities as we listed. My main aim was still to know of my young Mistress what store of Coyn her Father had, and where it lay, but to my great grief and vexation she told me he had not five pound within doors, having lately bought a purchase. I now thought it was to little purpose to stay longer, having reapt the crop of her Mothers labour, and so resolv'd to be going, but not without one nights solemn leave taking of her, resolving to have a Sillibub with her in her own Milk-pail. The night being come, she purposely stay'd up till all the rest were gone to bed. But we being too imprudently hasty in the Kitchin, we set a Chair against two Barrels pil'd one on the other, which we thought to be prop sufficient; but in the action fell with the Chair, and we both were so intangled, that we could not disengage our selves so soon, but that her Father came out crying, In the name of God what is the matter? And groping about caught me by the naked breech. Seeing there was no remedy, I desir'd him to be silent, and not spread his Daughters disgrace, if so, I would make her shortly a recompence. The old man was very much perplext, and could not forbear telling his Wife of what had past. They both cry'd out that their Daughter was undone; which imply'd a contradiction in what their own eyes had seen; The Daughter was in the same tone, unless I would speedily marry her.

I stay'd afterwards about some three days to colour the matter, and at last marcht off incognito, sending her twenty pieces of Gold, and these lines; which, although I knew they understood not, yet I could not but express my self by writing, if for nothing else but mine own satisfaction.



Is it not strange thou and thy friends should say,
Thou art undone by me? Let's see which way.
Have I not done to my great toyl and pain,
What all thy friends cannot undo again.
Call but to mind the pleasures thou hast tasted,
The hours and minutes which with thee I wasted.
To bring thee to perfection; and to teach
Thee learning, far above the Sexes reach.
Have I not taught thee oft' Astronomy,
When on thy back with me all night did'st lie
Within thy Mothers Garden, shew'd thee all
The Starry course, and Sphears Celestial.
For every Sign in Heaven, did I not make
Another in thy Bellies Zodiak?
Than night I made a Via lactea
Unto Loves Court another Milky way,
Out-spreading that ran from the full swoln Dugg
Of Juno, which young Hercules did tug.
Did I not teach thee Poetry that night
And how in Trippid Dactyls thou shouldst write?
Did I not teach thee next Arithmetick,
Both what a Cypher stands for, what a prick?
How thou shouldst add, substract, and then divide;
How to encrease, and Multiply beside.
Instead of Counters, how thou shouldst use kisses;
And with a Pin tell all a womans blisses.
I taught thee then Geometry, the notion
Of length and bredth, egality, proportion
Of Quadrant Triangles; the way to enter
Circles, or Semi-circles; how the Center
Stands ever fixt, how that every line
Direct, or oblique circular, or trine
Hath still its ending; how to take the height
Of any blazing bearded Star by night.
I taught thee Musicks harmony to know,
To keep true time, where thou shouldst rest, and how:
Learn'd thee likewise thy notes, large, long, & brief,
Prickt Minom, with a Crotchet, and the chief
Of the lov'd Art, good discant for to make
Upon a plain Song, Discords also take
With a sweet close, and meltingly to fall
Into a Treble, ravishing withal.
To hold thy prickt notes out full to the length,
Raising thy self, it failing not in strength.
I shew'd thee why Artists hold six Cliffs best,
And why 'tis prized far above the rest.
Because it keeps the middst; the very heart
And Soul of Musick is the inner part.
Yet art undone thou saidst? Is to impart
The hidden secrets of mysterious art
Vndoing to thee. Hadst thou ever spent
Thy means upon me, or thy money lent,
And had not paid the Int'rest back to thee,
Thou and thy friends might then have rail'd at me.
That precious nothing. at so dear a rate,
That high priz'd jewel (none can estimate)
Thy Maiden-head I do confess I had,
For which thy friends not onely made me glad,
But you and they are bound to bless that hour,
And happy time, I cropt thy Virgin flower.
What wert thou before I knew thee, but an Ass,
A rude neglected home-spun Country lass,
Knowing not how to speak, to go or look,
But hide thy self when seen in every nook.
And blush, nay tremble if thou wert found out;
Strive to be gone again, scratch, cry, and pout
If one but touch thy Apron, and wouldst spit
In's mouth should come to kiss thee: for thy wit
It did extend but unto no, and I,
Confess this truth, or else in faith you lye.
This was thy eloquence; why did I love thee?
Young plump & fair thou wert, & that did move me
I took thee and refin'd thee, made the new,
Alter'd thy nature, chang'd thy former hew:
Taught thee to kiss, embrace, and entertain
A lover with that Sp'rit and catching vein,
The Goddess of delight in her own sport
May strive to equal thee, but must come short.
Such an attractive action in the touch
Thou hast; so full of various motion, such
Pleasurable changes, now warm as fire,
Now cold again, then ready to expire
In a sweet passion, as twixt life and death,
Now motionless, then with short panting breath
Strivest to revive, just as when life is ending
By violence, e'ne in the very spending
Of the last spirits, the hand will grasp,
And catch at every thing; so didst thou clasp
Me in thy arms, when in our amorous play,
Like to mans life I'de like to drop away.
Where hadst thou all thy breeding but from me?
Who bound thee first, and now have made thee free?
Thy petulant discourse, and apish toying,
A change of humours, now a sullen coying,
All which I taught thee, which do make thee rare,
Now are thy Attributes as well as fair:
And these will render thee belov'd unto
Experienc'd men, for very well they know
Woman was made for recreation,
For mans delight and procreation.
And what content is in a simpering fool,
A squeamish thing, she doth mans spirits cool;
Beats back the flowing current of his blood,
And ebbs it in the very spring or floud.
Men loves not like a beast the act of kind,
For by so acting he but dulls the mind,
Dejects the countenance, and deads the eye,
Murders his mirth, intrudes Melancholly,
And sad repentance on the troubled heart,
Throwing and heavy slumber on each part.
It is the act of acting that doth take
The sense of Man, and compleat pleasure make.
'Tis harsh to hear a School boy in one tone
Repeat his lesson like a Bagpipes drone.
But it doth ravish with delight the ear,
Well worded and sweet languag'd lines to hear,
Pronounc'd by one hath skill and art to know
When he should raise his voyce, when bring it low.
For though a Poet write good Lines, it is
The speaker that doth make them hit or miss.
So though a Wench be nere so fair, so neat,
Or well proportion'd, if she want the feat
Of acting will upon loves Theater,
It will not make mans loving passion stir.
She's like one handsome in a splended suit,
Onely to fit a Stage and play the Mute
And shall not go clapt off with frequent kißes,
The Lovers plaudit, but distastful hisses.
And such wert thou, when first I met with thee,
An innocent dull thing: Now if thou lie
With cold December thou wilt make him sweat
Out all his Icy-marrow with thy heat.
It is delight enough to touch thy hand,
Or feel thy active pulse beat, or but stand
In opposition to thy sparkling eye,
Or tast thy lips, or keep thee company.
To see thee dance, or hear thee speak, or sing,
But who attains unto the other thing,
I cannot name with patience. Let him rest,
For with the Crown of pleasures he is blest.
Now have I brought thee to thy exellence
With my excessive toyl, and dear expence
Of my best blood; and added to thee more
Then was in all thy Ancestors before
Gentility. I have enricht thy mind
With the chief Ornament of Woman kind
Behaviour: Taught thee to live and spend
Of thy own gettings, without help of friend.
And have I this ungrateful Girle for all
That I have done to thee. Why dost thou call
Me thy Undoer since that I have been
Thy second Maker, and have stood between
Thee and thy wants. How e're I will forgive,
For I' am in charity, and do believe
The onely cause why I am taxt so sore
With thy undoing, cause I do no more,
I do no more, because thou mayst grow common
To more then me, and I will share with no man,

CHAP. XXIX.

 

From this Farmers house he rides he cared not whither. On the Road he is strangely surpriz'd by a Woman Robber in Mans apparel; He discovers it by unbuttoning her Breeches to search for private Pockets within. They two conclude a perpetual Friendship.

Abruptly taking my leave of the Farmer amd his loving daughter, I rid a long time but met with none worthy of my taking Cognizance; being wearied I struck into an Inn, and by that time I had throughly refresht my self, the evening began to approach. Whereupon I mounted and so put on; Passing by a smal Coppice in a bottom between two Hills, a Gentleman (as I then suppos'd) well arm'd, and handsomely accoutred, started out upon me, and bid me deliver instantly. Hearing him say so, I told him if he would have but the patience I would; and with that drew out a Pocket Pistol and fir'd it at him, without doing any execution. If pou are for a little sport (said the Gentleman) I shall show you some instantly; whereupon drawing a Pistol he shot me into the leg; having so done, with his Sword (which hung ready at his wrist) neatly at a blow he cut the reins of my Bridle, so that I was not able to guide my Horse. But he being at good command and us'd to the charge, with the winding of my body, I gave him to understand what he was to do. Come Sir, said my adversary, have you enough yet? In faith Sir, said I, I'le exchange but one Pistol more, and if that prove insuccessful I shall submit to your mercy; Whereupon I shot but miss'd my mark, however I kill'd his Horse, which instantly fell, my Gentleman was so nimble that before I could think what to do, he had sheathed his sword in my Horses belly, which made me come tumbling down too with a Horse-pox. Once more said my Antagonist, we are upon equal terms, and since the obscuritie of the place gives us freedom, let us try our courages, one must fall. And thereupon with his Sword (which was for cut and thrust) he made a full pass at my bodie, but putting it by I clos'd in with him, and upon the Hug threw him with much facilitie, I wonder'd much at it; which I need not have done since his nature (as afterwards I understood) was so prone to it. Having him down, now, Sir, said I, I shall reach you to be careful on whom you set, you have as imprudentlie undertaken this enterprize as a Pickeroon did once, who seeing a Man of War high built, and but few mea aboard her discoverable, her Port-holes being likewise fast, clapt her aboard immediately, thinking she had been a Merchantman, but they found the contrarie, the deck being instantlie filled with men that were below, and running out her Guns there could be no wisdom of resistance. Wherefore now Sir yield, or I shall compel you; with much reluctancy he did. With cords I had ready for that purpose, I ty'd both his hands and feet, and so fell to rifling him. Unbuttoning his Doublet to find whether there was no Gold quilted therein, I wonder'd to see a pair of Breasts so unexpectedly greater and whiter then any Mans; but being intent about my business that amazement vanisht from my thoughts. Then did I come to his breeches (which I laid open) my curious scearch omitted not anie place wherein I might suspect the concealment of moneys, at last proffering to remove his shirt from between his legs, he suddenlie cry'd out (and strove to lay his hand there, but could not) I beseech you Sir be civil, said he: I imagining that some notable Treasure lay there obscur'd, I pull'd up his shirt (alias Smock) and found my self not much mistaken.

The sight so surpriz'd me as if I had been converted into a Statue by the Head of a Gorgon. For the present it lay neither in her power nor mine, to pull down her Smock again: but after a little pause, I hastily unbound her, and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me most couragious Amazon, (said I) for thus rudely dealing with you, it was nothing but ignorance that caus'd this error; for could my dim-sighted soul have distinguisht what you were; the greatness of love and respect I bear your Sex would have deter'd me from contending with you. But I esteem this my ignorance my greatest happiness, since knowledg in this case would have depriv'd me of the benefit of knowing there could be so much Prowess in a Woman. For your sake I shall ever retain (since you have restored it) a good esteem of the worst of Females. She beg'd me not to be too tedious in my expressions, nor pump for eloquent phrases alledging this was no proper place to make Oratious in. But if you will enlarge your self, let us go to the next Inn. I lik'd her advice very well, and returning what I had taken from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obscure passages till we came to a Wood, wherein a place the Sun had not seen since the first deluge, stood an House. At our approach the Servants were all in a hurry who should first take Mrs. Viragos Horse, for they all knew her being no way estranged to her disguize, with much respect me were conducted into a very stately room, where embracing each other, we knit an indissolvable tye of friendship.

CHAP. XXX.

 

After Supper they enter in Discourse, wherein she giveth him a short account of her Life; relating how notably she revenged her self on her Husband for his unworthy and base carriage towards her.

She now laid her self open to me, not concealing any thing from me, having before made my self acquainted with her greatest Secret. Frankly she call'd for Bottles of Wine, which we smartly drank together, out of Beer-glasses, had not Supper been speedily provided, which required a cessation for some time, I should not have been in a condition to discern the Dish, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken some repast I began to be refresht, she not in the least disturb'd all this while.

I prest her to tell me what she was, and what manner of life she led. Sir, said she, I cannot deny your request, wherefore to satisfie you, Know that I was the Daughter of a Sword-Cutler. In my younger dayes my Mother would have taught me to handle a Needle; but my Martial spirit gain-said all perswasions to that purpose. I could never endure to be among the Utensils of the Kitchin, but spent most of my time in my Father's Shop, taking wonderful delight in handling those Warlike instruments, to take a Sword in my hand well mounted and brandish it, was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations. Being about a douzen years of age I study'd all waies imaginable how I might make my self acquainted with a Fencing-Master. Time brought my desires to their accomplishment, for such a one as I wisht for, casually came into our Shop to have his Blade furbisht, and Fortune so order'd it there was none to answer him but my self. Having given him that satisfaction he desired, though not expecting it from me: Amongst other talk I demanded of him whither he was not a Professor of the noble Science? (for I guest so much by his Postures, Looks, and expressions.) He told me he was a well willer thereunto; being glad of this opportunity, desiring him to conceal my intentions, I requested him the favour as to give me some instructions how I should mannage a Sword: at first he seem'd amaz'd at my Proposal, but perceiving I was in earnest, he granted my petition, allotting me such a time to come to him as was most convenient. I became so expert at Back-sword and Single-Rapier in a short time, that I needed not his assistance any longer: My Parents not in the least mistrusting anie such thing.

I shall wave what Exploits I did by the help of a disguise, and onely tell you that when I arriv'd to fifteen years of age an Inn-Keeper Married me, and carried me into the Country. For two years we liv'd very peaceably and comfortably together, but at lenghth the insolent and imperious temper of my Husband made me begin to show my Natural humour. Once a week we seldom mist of a Combat between us, which frequently prov'd so sharp, that it was well if my Husband came off with a single broken pate. His Peacemaker in amorous dalliances wrought not those effects in me as usually it doth with the rest of our Sex, by which means the gaping wounds of our discontents and differences being not presently salv'd up they became in a manner incurable.

I never was much inclineable to Venereal pastimes, not but that I was willing enough to admit of them, but I ever hated that a Dunghill-Cock should tread a Hen of the Game. Being stinted likewise of Money, my life grew altogether comfortless, and I lookt on my condition as insupportable, Wherefore as the onely remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles, I contriv'd a way how I might sometimes take a Purse; I judg'd this resolution safe enough, (if I were not taken in the very fact) for who could suspect me to be a Robber, wearing abroad upon such designs mans Apparel, but at home onely that which was suitable and agreeable to my own Sex. Besides, none could have better encouragement and conveniency then my self, for keeping an Inn who is more proper to have in custody what charge my Guests brought into my house then my self; or if committed to my Husbands tutelage, I could not fail to inform my self of the richness of the Booty. Moreover, the Hostess is the person whose company is most desired, before whom they are no ways scrupulous to relate which way they are going, and frequently what the affair was that led them that way.

Courage I knew I wanted not, (be you my impartial Judg, Sir) what then could hinder me from being successful in such an enterprize. Being thus resolved (I soon procur'd necessary Habiliments) for these my contrivances, and never miscarried in any of them till now. Instead of going to Market, or riding five or six miles about such a business, (the usual pretences with which I blinded my Husband) I would when out of sight ride a contrary road to this House (wherein we now are) and here Metamorphose my self, and being fitted at all points Pad uncontroulcably, coming off alwaies most Victoriouslie. Not long since my Husband had about thirtie pounds due to him some twenty Miles from his habitation, and designed such a day for its reception, Glad I was to hear of this, resolving now to be revenged of him for all those injuries and churlish outrages he had committed against me I knew very well which way he went, and knew the time of his coming home; wherefore I way-laid him at his return. And happily as I would have it, he did not make me wait above three hours for him. I let him pass me, knowing that by the swiftness of my Horse (having two or three always ready in the Stable) I could easily overtake him, and so I did, riding with him but a mile or two before I could do my intended business. At last (looking about me) I saw the coast clear on every side; Wherefore riding up close to him, and laying hold of his Bridle, I clapt a Pistol to his breast, commanding him to deliver, or he was a dead man. My imperious Don seeing death before his face, had like to have sav'd me the labour by dying voluntarily without compulsion, and so amaz'd at his sudden surprizal, that he lookt like an Apparion, or one lately risen from the dead. Sirrha (said I) be quick: but a dead Palsie had so seiz'd every part of him, that his eyes were incapable of directing his hands to his Pocket. But I soon recall'd his lost spirits by two or three smart blows with the flat of my Sword, which so awakened him out of that deep Lethargy he was in, that with much submissiveness he delivered me his moneys. After I had dismounted him and cut the Reins of his Bridle and Girts, I basted him soundly, till that I had made jelly of his bones, and that his flesh lookt like Egyptian Mummy. Now you Rogue (said I) I am even with you, have a care the next time how you strike a woman (your wife I mean) for none but such as dare not fight a man will lift up his hand against the weaker vessel. Now you see what it is to provoke them, for if irritated too much they are restless till they have accomplisht their satisfactory revenge. I have a good mind to end thy wicked courses with thy life, but that I am loath to be hang'd for nothing, such a worthless man. Farewell, this money shall serve me to purchase Wine to drink Healths to the confusion of such Rascally and mean spirited things, and so I left him.

She was about to have proceeded in such agreeable relations of her rencounters, when word was brought her up two Gentlemen below desired to speak with her, craving my excuse she went down, and in a little time returned with them: She made an Apologly to me for so doing, adding that if she had committed a crime herein, my future knowledg of those persons would extenuate it. By their effeminate Countenances I could not miss of judging rightly what they were, viz. Females. After several discourses we grew so familiar, that the longest continued friendship could not boast of more freedom.

Having talkt and drank our selves weary, we concluded to lye all in one Chamber, there being two Beds, what our Noctural passages were, I'le give the Reader leave to imagine. After some days and nights joval frolickings, I took my leave of them.

, 113

CHAP. XXXI.

 

Being now upon the Pad alone, he baites at an Inn, with which he was acquainted, and there by the Holster is informed of a Booty which he pursued, but was soundly banged for his paines, loosing both his Horse, and what small matter he had left.

Very loath I was to part with these Amazons, neither should I, had not scarcity of Money called me away to look out for more. For no man could ever be better pleased with society, then I was in theirs; enjoining such persons whose courage and fidelity might vye with the most approved male friend, and reaping at the same time the choicest favours Venus can confer on her chiefest Favourites.

One remarkable passage concerning this Female Robber, I had like to have forgot; which was this, She would frequently Pad or rob on foot in Womans Apparel, but so disguised, that she could not easily be known: Getting a Cushion, or some such thing, (by putting it under her Cloaths to make her seem big with Child) she would usually walk abroad, it may be three or four miles at length, near some beaten Road. Thus had she the benefit of viewing all rid by. If she saw any single person by whose equipage she might imagine him to have his Pockets well furnished, before he came near her, she used to feign her self both exceeding sick and weary, groaning in a most pittiful manner. What mans heart could be so obdurate as to pass her by neglected, and without taking any notice of her? Who would not proffer a big Bellied Woman (tired and indisposed) the courtesie of riding behind them for a little way to refresh her? As she told me she met with very few that did not take her up behind them seeing her in that deplorable condition. Having rid a pretty way seeing the Coast clear, and coming to a convenient place for to execute her design, she would pretend the Gentlemans Hat, that rid before her, offended her eyes, most in point of civility would put it off, though they immediately put it on again: then would she with a Cord with a nooze, which she had ready for the purpose, clap it over his head, and so whipping off the Horse pull the Man after her, oftentimes half strangling him, serving some as the Mutes do the Bassas with their black box and silk string therein, when they are designed for death by the Grand Seignors appointment and command. After this would she strip them of what they had, hiding it in places she contrived proper for concealment.

But to return where I left off: before I took my leave of her, perceiving the temper of this brave noble Spirit, and that it was Poetically inclined out of my true resentment of her due merit, I gave her these Lines, which she thankfully received, though modestly denyed to concern her in the least.



Stand back the Muses, Mars, come guide my pen.
To ranke this Female Heroe 'mongst thy Men.
So, so, 'tis well. Now let us to the matter,
'Tis such a Subject that I cannot flatter.
The Pantalooners strut and Muffetoons;
Taking great pains for to appear Buffoons.
They do seem men, and like 'em wear their Swords;
But dare not draw, such may be kill'd with words:
These love a Lady and affect perfumes;
Who lighter are, (then what they wear) their Plumes.
Thou scornest such shadoes, or Chymæra's, which
Are good for nothing, but a Womans itch.
Thou lovest that man alone, that dares in spight
Of fate, scorn Death himself in fight.
Thy actions speak the man who dares deny it?
Believe this truth, or if you dare then try it,
'Twill be a favour to her, for they'l find,
That never man injoy'd so brave a mind.

Bidding this my Minerva, and her sociates adieu, I rid on in the next road, without meeting any, I thought it requesite to fasten on. At length I came to an Inn, where I was very well acquainted, and intended there to have refresht my self, but the Hostler prevented it, not suffering me to alight, telling me hastily, that there was a Gentleman not an hour since baited here, who had in his Portmantue a considerable Purchase, that he was a poor spirited fellow, whom he knew, and that he ever had an absolute antipothy to a naked Sword, and that he was gone such a Road, &c. I stayed not so long as to drink, but withall possible expedition made after him; ascending a small Hill, I discovered him, who rid an ordinary pace, wherefore I slacked mine to cool my Horse; however I soon overtook him, and rode by him, not without viewing him well; riding down the Hill I did alight, purposely that he might overtake me, which he did; being past I mounted, and at the very bottom I bid him stand and diliver instantly, or he was a dead man. Sir-sis-sir, (said he lisping very much) I-I-I-I am going home. I bid him not make these purposed delays least he smarted, and therefore wisht him to dispatch and give me his money; for I was informed (I told him) that he had a summ behind him. T-t-t-'tis true (he replyed) b-b-but it is my Fathers M-m-money. Hang your Father and his fluttering Coxcomb too, (said I) I must have what you have W-wh-why then you shall, (said he) and with that drew out a Pocket Pistol and fired it at me; which made my Horse start and very much surprising me, expecting not the least resistance from such a seemingly ignorant and cowardly fellow, by that meanes he had time and liberty to draw his Sword (which was almost as broad as a Chopping-Knife) and came upon me so furiously, that I am sure I had not time to defend my self, he so laid a bout him, that I soon lay at his mercy. I was forced to beg very hard for my life, which I obtained with very much ado. Then he fell to my Pockets not leaving any suspected place for money unsearcht; by which I guest him to have belonged to our profession, and was not mistaken, as you shall understand by and by. He went to my Horse and viewing him, he seemed to like him very well. Wherefore coming to me (for he had cut me off my Horse) ha-ha-hark you (said he) you are but a raw thief, a me-me-meer Child, and it is but fit that you should be sent to a Ma-ma-Master to be ta ta-taught knowledge, and be whipt for your foo-foo-foolishness. You said you must have my Fa-fa-Fathers money, but I tell you I must have your hau-hau-Horse, and so farewel. He was so kind as to leave me his Horse, which was a pittiful Jade, however necessity compelled me to mount him, and anger spur'd me on to be revenged of the Hostler, but I better considered with my self, that probably that Horse was known there, and so I should be detected, wherefore I rid a contrary way, and took up my lodging in a place I never had been in before. Assoon as I had alighted abundance of people flockt about me; seeing me all bloody, to know the cause thereof. Whereupon I related in a very doleful manner how this sad accident befell me. That travelling to such a place with about one hundred and fifty pieces of Gold, I was set upon by five or six lusty Rogues, who robed me, and because I made what resistance I could, to save what I had, it being my whole estate, they had thus barbarously mangled me, hacking and hewing me till they grew weary, and at last with much difficulty escapt with my life. There was a general sorrow for me, pittying me so much that the Inhabitants strove one with another, who should show me most kindness. A Chyrurgeon was presently sent for, who (as he was a Baber too) Barbarian like drest my Wounds; some were imployed in procuring me Cordials, and getting me things necessary; others were sent out to make inquisition after the Thieves.

This Gentleman that served me this trick was (as I understood afterwards) an High-way man himself, who being well born and bred, but his Father being either at that time unable or unwilling to supply him with what Moneys his lavish expences required, and nature having bestowed on him a stout resolute heart, and strength answering his courage, betook himself to the Pad. In which profession he behaved himself so gallantly, that he was stiled the Father or Governor of his Tribe. But his attempts proved not alwayes sucessful, so that there was hardly a County in England, wherein he had not been in Prison; being frequently arraigned for his life, but having emninent and potent friends he still came off; this did his Father and Kindred so frequent, that they grew weary, and he narrowly escaping with his life one time, and finding that his Kinred mattered not much if he were hanged, he submitted himself to his Father, making a solemn protestation that he would never follow the like courses again: whereupon his Father setled an Annual Estate upon him, on which he now liveth very orderly. Thus much briefly of my over comer.

Here did I lie three or four days before a person came, of whom I cannot but give you a Character, since the passages of his life hath been so remarkable and notorious, and from the short relation of which I question not but the Reader will reap much benefit and satisfaction. For indeed examples have so great an influence and power upon the actions of man's life, as that we find men are more wrought upon by president then precept. To this intent preceding Generations, have made it their grand care and labour, not only to communicate to their Posterity the lives of good and honest men, that thereby man might fall in love with the smooth and beautiful face of virtue; but have also taken the same pains to recount the actions of criminal and wicked persons, that by the dreadful aspects of Vice, they may be deterred from imbracing her.

CHAP. XXXII.

 

He here reneweth his acquaintance with a cuning fellow, that formerly studyed the Law, and since made it his sole business to practise the abuse thereof.

About four dayes after I was wounded, there came into the same Inn where I lay a Gentleman, who hearing some of the House discoursing of the Robbery that was lately committed, he desired to be particularly informed, which they did, adding that the robed Gentleman lay wounded in the house; he inquired of them my name, which they told him, as I had told them, having a name for every moneth in the year. Very desirous he was, if it might be no disturbance to me, to give me a visit, unto which I condescended, a servant to that intent desiring to know my pleasure. Assoon as he entered the Room, I verily thought I knew him, though I could not for the present call to mind where I had seen him. I was so muffled about the Chops, that it was impossible for him to have any knowledge of me. He sat down by me, and askt me various questions, to which I gave him convenient satisfaction. At last I recalled my memory, and askt him if his name was not so— he answered me affirmatively. Dear friend (said I) I am glad to see you, come be not amazed; my right name is so—with that he imbraced me, and was overjoyed that he so casually found me out. Laying aside all formal niceties I imbosomed my self to him, not mincing the truth in the least; for we knew our selves Birds of a Feather, Rogues together . He condoled my wounded condition, and comforted me by telling me, that he would not leave me till I was well, and that he would procure such a Plaister for the Wounds I had received, that should prove very effectual. In short it was this, by following closely the footsteps of his crafty advice, I got of the Country the one hundred and fifty pound, I pretended to be robed of. He stayed with me above a fortnight, enjoying what pleasures the Countrey was capable to afford us. Being by our selves (for so we designed the major part of every day) we discoursed interchangable of nothing but our adventures, &c. how we might lay new plots for our advantage: I gave him the epitome of what I had done, since I left him, who took more pleasure in the relation of my Roguries, then the Quaker did in Courting his Mistress a Mare, near Rochester. But when he began to relate his Villanies, I was struck dumb with admiration; and what cannot a man do if indued with the strength of his Natural parts, sharpness of wit, quickness of apprehension, depth and solidnes of judgment, with a tenacious memory. Now because he ever had a smooth and insinuating tongue with the command thereof, I shall give him leave to tell his own tale.

CHAP. XXXIII.

 

The Life of a Law abusig Cheat,

Dear Friends,

For what I am beholding, it is to Nature alone, for as I am ashamed of my Birth, so I cannot condemn my Father for not bestowing Education on me, since his condition was so low; yet his Spirit so high, that he would not beg himself, though ready to starve, yet would permit me, which was the sole support of his and my life. I was ten year old before I could meet with any preferment; one day Fortune favouring she offered to my view a Comodity, which with confidence and dexterity, I might carry off undiscovered. My hands presently succesfully effected what my mind suggested; it was but of small value, the utmost I could get for it was a Link, with which that night I more then trebled what it cost. This course I followed by night, and ran in errands by day, so that I had furnished my self both with Cloaths and Money. In process of time I was admitted as a Servant into a Scriveners House; my Master taking a liking to me, put me to a Writing-School, where being capacitated for his business, he puts me into the Shop, and instructs me in his imployment. I had not been there long before I made my self every eminent, by studying the Law the Rudiments whereof I understood as well, as I knew how to engross an Indenture. This made my Master esteem of me, and that estimation made me proud, and being not yet bound his Apprentice, I thought my self to know better things then to be his servant any longer, and so left him. Then was I with an Attorney a while, afterwards with a Counsellor, till thinking I had Law enough, I took an House resolving to see what I could do with it my self. I solicited several mens businesses, giving a general content, insomuch that my credit and reputation increased dayly, Now did I marry for Wealth, having not the least affection; for her face lookt much like a Gammon of Bacon with the skin off. Sometime I lived with her; too long for any delight I took in her; and being resolved to be rid of her, this Stratagem I used. I shewed her more kindness then formerly, pretending I would do nothing but what I would consult with her about, which so wrought upon her love, that she would have been content to have sacrificed her Soul for my Interest, and made her withal so opinionative, that she judged every silly and unsavory expression she uttered was not less then an Oracle. Having brought my business thus far to perfection, I came home one evening very mellancholy; very inquisitive she was to know the cause. My Dear, (said I) I will not conceal any thing from thee, such a Gentleman hath injured me, and I cannot rest till I be revenged Thou knowest my Nature, if wronged I am implacable it is a fault, I cannot help. Come, come said my Wife let us go to Bed, and there we will consult. Being there, she askt me how we should bring our revenge about? I seemed to study a while,—I have it now, (said I) thou art with Childe; he is one tender of his reputation; tax him for being the Father of it, and that will do the work to my full content; very loath she was because of the talk of the people, but I satisfied this poor silly harmless soul, by telling her that as long as I knew her chast, it was no matter what others said of her; whereupon she condescended, and had the Person before the Justice, where she swore positively that she was got with Child by that Gentleman, I presently took advantage of her Confession, turned her off, leaving them both to the disposal of the Spiritual Court. This was my first prank.

One of my Clients another time, having bought a good handsome Tenement, and so much confidence as to put me in Possession; my Client having purchased an Estate in the Country, was forced to be there to look after the management of his Rural affaires, for some certain time: I took this opportunity to forge a Lease to my self, at an easie Rent, from him that constituted me his trustee. I soon found a Chapman for it, and sold this Lease, receiving a good round Fine, which had been a penny-worth indeed, had the title been good; unto this man I delivered Possession, who dwelt in it till the return of the right owner. who coming to his said House, wondered to find every thing so contrary to his expectation, and demanding of the Tenent, by what power he inhabited in that dwelling, the poor man shewed him his forged Lease, declaring that he had paid his fine to such a man, nominating me, who at that time was not to be found. The Landlord cou'd do no less then eject him his House, but finding him so grosly abused, required nothing for the time he was in it, but left him to the Law to require satisfaction of me. The abused being very much troubled, he should be thus deceived, made so strickt inquiry after me, and so unwearied in his search, that at last he found me out, who said, nothing should serve his turn but he would for this Cheat have the rigor of the Law executed upon me, knowing of what a dangerous consequence it was, I got my adversary arrested in an action of a thousand pounds, who wanting Bayle was committed to Newgate, where grief released me by his death from ensuing prejudice. I afterwards forged a deed of Sale of an House hard by the former, which would have made more for my advantage, had not this man discovered my design, which made me the more inveterate against him and his. For this was alwayes my temper, though nothing could provoke me to express my anger in company (as having a perfect command over my passions in that nature) yet if any durst prosecute his own or friends right in opposition to me, I seldom left him, till I had either absolutely undone him; or so impoverisht him, that he should be in no condition to hurt me, or help himself, making him at last confess that he had been better to have sat down with his first loss. And this I effected the easier, having a conscience that scrupled nothing, and instruments that would swear any thing. These contrivances of mine made me generally reputed a subtile and knowing man, which brought me in multiplicity of business, with considerable in-comes. Neither did I alone solicite for such as were concerned in the Law, but I had my concernment with Lifters, who did put so great a confidence in me, that what they got was left solely to my disposal, either by sale or pawn, for which I had my brokage, and something else beside. Now was I grown so famous (my Garb adding much to my fame which was very splendid) that if any intricate controversie, reference, or Law suit arose among my Neighbours, they knew no person fitter to make their appeal to then my self. If any again wanted either Money, Goods, nay a cooler of concupiscense, I was adjudged the best Procurer. By these means I tumbled in Money, and to let the World know it, I wore a several Suit every day, having besides Habits suitable to any design. Now did those that knew me not, even adore me; those that were acquainted with me, out of fear were forced to show me more then ordinary respects. I confess had I now walkt in a medium, this had been the time (as they say there is a time alloted to every man) to have made my self for ever. But Knavery was so implanted in my Nature, that I could not forbear cheating the dearest friend I had, if he intrusted me, circumvent every man, that had more honest then my self; and though I was sure to damm Soul and Body, yet I must attempt the destruction of my adversary; and to speak the truth I did not stick to betray my friend if any advantage would accrue to me thereby. For one trick I served an ancient Widdow, I now and then find some internal Gripings, I cannot tell whether they proceed from conscience, because I never knew what conscience was; but this it is. A Gentlewoman of my acquaintance, whose sole dependance was upon Lodgers, and having taken up a great many Goods to a considerable value to furnish her House, befiting the reception of any person of quality, for which she was indebted, and having too often put off her Creditor, came to me desiring the favour of me to procure her fifty pound, telling me, that such a Knight, and such a Squire would stand bound with her; that will not do (said I) for the Gentry have so many tricks to keep Citicens out of their Money, that they will have better security. Perceiving her present necessities were very urgent, I knew I could do any thing with her; wherefore I perswaded her to confess a Judgement, she agreed to it. I told her such a day it should be done, but I would speak with the party first; according to the day prefixt I came, bringing with me a Warrant of Attorny, with a friend or two to attest it; she confided so much in me, as to seal before she received the moneys. That being done; now come along with me (said I) to such a place, where the Money lyeth ready. As we were going, there was a stop in a Lane by Carts and Coaches, and by the help thereof dodged her, she seeing me no more till it was too late; for I came with an Execution a while after, and carryed away every penny worth of Goods she had. Yet so civil I was, that I would not let her see it done, knowing it could not but be a great trouble to her, to that intent about an half hour before, I sent for her in my name, far enough distant from her own Habitation. In this nature, with some variation as to the manner, I served several. Knowing I had a plentiful invention, which seldome failed me, I scorned to be so idle as to make use of one trick only, to bring about my ends, and as I had several, I never made use of one trick twice, for fear of being smoakt. I seldome went abroad, but I had some of my Complices at my heels, rarely going together, unless necessity required it. I went into a Coffæ-House one day, and sat me down at a common Table; (as the Room is to all Comers) a little after came in one of my Imps, and sits himself down too. I had then a very curious Ring upon my finger, which a Gentleman opposite to me perceiving, pray Sir (said he) do me the favour as lend me a sight of that Ring on your finger, I presently delivered it him; having viewed it and commended it, my Rogue must needs desire a sight of it too from this Gentleman, who thinking no harme gave it into his hands, after he had lookt on it a while, he fairly marcht off with it; I saw him but would not in the least take notice thereof, knowing where to find him. The Gentleman imagined nothing to the contrary, but that the right Owner had received it again. A little while after I demanded very courteously my Ring, excusing his detention thereof upon the account of forgetfulness. The Gentleman starting, replyed, Sir I thought you had had it long since! I told him I had it not, and as I delivered it to him, I should require it from no other person. He pisht at it and in the conclusion bad me take my course; and so I did, having first taken witness of the standers by I sued him, and recovered the value of my Ring twice over, producing two in Court that swore point blank, that the one of them sold it me for so much—One thing I confess I frequently made use of, which was this; If any person dyed, and none durst administer, but leave the Deceased's Goods to the Creditors, then would I be sure to make my self a principal Creditor by a forged Bond, and thereupon sue out Letters of administration, and sweeping all away, I wiped the nose of other Creditors.

CHAP. XXXIV.

 

What a notable revengeful trick he served the Turnkey of Ludgate.

I went one time to see a Prisoner in Ludgate, but thinking to come out again as easily as I went in, I found my self just as the Picture I have often seen upon the Exchange, wherein is represented a man plunging himself with much ease into the great end of the Horn, but with the greatest difficulty can hardly squeeze his Head through the other end. Hell Gates stand ever open to let all souls in, but none are suffered to go out. Here I waited two hours for the return of the Turn-key; fretting my self even to death for being detained from my urgent occasions. At length he came, I told him what an injury he did me, instead of excusing himself, he returned me very scurvy language, which provoked my passion so much, that though I said little, yet my invention was presently at work to be revenged. Not long after I got a poor fellow to be Arrested for an inconsiderable debt, advising him to turn himself instantly over to Ludgate. In a short time the poorness of this mans condition was generally known, and he himself , 129 pretending he was almost starved, got liberty to put in what slender security, he could procure for his true imprisonment, and so had leave to go abroad. In the mean time I had got a Bond of the Prisoner of fourscore pound for the payment of forty, and so went privately and entered an action of Debt. I told the Prisoner the next time he went out he should run away, which he did, neither was there any security to be found, then did I bring my action against the Keeper, with my Knights of the Post, and so recovered the money.

CHAP. XXXV.

 

What a freak he play'd upon a Jeweller.

I was intimately acquainted with a Jeweller in Foster-Lane, whom I often helped to the sale of Rings and Jewels, so that my credit was very good with him. Being one time above in his work room. I chanced to spy a very rich Jewel, whereupon I told him I could help him to the sale thereof; my Lady such a one having lately spoke to me about such a thing. He gladly delivered it me at such a price to shew it her. But I only carried it to another to have one exactly made like it with counterfeit stones. Before I went I ask him if the Lady dislike it, whether I might leave it with his Wife or servant? I, I (said he) to either will be sufficient. I was forced to watch one whole day to see when he went out, and being gone, presently went to the Shop, and enquired of his Wife for her Husband; she answered me, he was but just gone. Well Madam (said I) you can do my business as well as he, 'tis only to deliver these stones into your custody; and so went off undiscovered. Not long after I met him in the street, carrying displeasure in his looks; Sir (said he) I thought a friend would not have served me so; but I denyed it stifly. Whereupon he was very angry, and told me he would sue me; I valued not his threats, and so left him; I had not gone many paces, before I met with a friend, that complained to me he had lost a very valuable Locket of his Wives, it being stollen from her. Glad I was that this should fall out so pat to my purpose; I asked him to give me a description of it, which he did punctually. Now said I what will you give me, if I tell you where it is? Any thing in reason. Then go to such a Shop in Foster-Lane (the same Shop where I cheated the man of his Ring) and there ask peremptorily for it; I was there at such a time and saw it, and he would have had me help him to a customer for it; I'le stay at the Star Tavern for you. Away he went and demanded his Locket: The Jeweller denyed he had any such thing, (as well he might.) Upon this he returned to me, and by (this I had another with me) and told me what he said. Whereupon I advised him to have a Warrant for him to fetch him before a Justice of Peace and that I and my friend (which saw as much as I) would swear it. The Goldsmith was Instantly seized on by a Constable and assoon as he saw who they were that would swear against him, desired the Gentleman to drink a Glass of Wine, and then tender'd him satisfaction: But I had so ordered the business that it would not be taked unless he would give us all three general releases; he knowing the danger that might ensue to life and estate if we persisted, consented to the proposal.

CHAP. XXXVI.

 

He puts a notable Cheat upon a Gentleman concerning his House.

Walking one time in the Fields with an Attendant or two, who would be constantly bare before me if in company with any persons of quality, but otherwise hail fellow well met, I was got as far as Hackney, e're I thought where I was; for my thoughts were busied about designes, and my wit was shaping them into a form; casting my eye on the one side of me, I saw the prettiest built and well scituated House that ever my eyes beheld, I presently had a covetous desire to be Master thereof. I was then as fortune would have it in a very gentile Garb; I walkt but a little way farther and I soon found out a Plot to accomplish my desires. I returned and knockt at the Gate, and demanded of the Servant whether his Master was within? I understood he was, and thereupon desired to speak with him. The Gentleman came out to me himself, desiring me to walk in. After I had made a general Apology, I told him my business, which was only to request the favour of him, that I might have the previledge to bring a Workman to supervise his House, and to take the Dimensions thereof, because I was so well pleased with the Building, that I eagarly desired to have another built exactly after that pattern. The Gentleman could do less then grant me so small a civility. Coming home I went to a Carpenter, telling him I was about buying an House in Hackney, and that I would have him accompany me to give me (in private) the estimate. Accordingly we went, and found the Gentleman at home, who entertained me kindly as a stranger. In the mean time the Carpenter took an exact account of the Butts and Bounds of the House on Paper; which was as much as I desired for that time.

Paying the Carpenter well, I dismist him, and by that Paper had a Lease drawn with a very great fine, (mentioned to have been paid) at a small Rent; Witnesses thereunto I could not want. shortly after I demanded Possession; the Gentleman thinking me out of my wits, only laugh at me, I commenc'd my suit against him, and brought my own Creatures to swear the sealing and delivery of the Lease, the Carpenters evidence, besides which was grounded on Probable Circumstances, whereupon I had a Verdict: The Gentleman understanding what I was, though it safer to compound with me, and loose something, rather then loose all.

CHAP. XXXVII.

 

How he cheated a Scrivener under the pretence of bringing him good Security for an Hundred pound which he would borrow.

Attiring my self in one of the richest Garbs I had, I went to a Scrivener in Bow-Lane, and acquainted him I had an occasion for an Hundred pound. He demanded the Names of my Security. I told him where they lived, two persons of eminent worth (whom I knew were gone into the Country) and desired him to make enquiry, but in it to be private and modest. The Scrivener according to my desires went and found them by report to be what they were real, able, and sufficient men: two or three dayes after I called upon him to know whether I might have the money upon the Security propounded. He told me I might bringing the persons, and appointed me a day. According to the time I came with two of my Complices attired like wealthy grave Citizens, who personated such persons so to the life, that the Scrivener could not entertain the least suspition. The money being ready I told it over, and putting it up in a bag, I and my insignificant Bondsmen sealed, leaving the Scrivener to another enquiry after us, whom if he did not meet I was confident he could never find out by reason of our feigned Names.

It chanced that my forged and fictitious name shook hands with that of a Gentlemans in Surry, who was a great purchaser, which I came to know by being accidentally in his company the next night after I had cheated this credulous Scribe, understanding likewise from him the exact place of his abode; and as the Devil would have it his Christian name was the same as well as his Surname with that of mine I had borrowed. Whereupon I went to the Scrivener again and told him that I had now a fair opportunity to benefit my self very much by a purchase, provided he would assist me with two hundred pound more. But Sir said I, take notice (in careless and generous frankeness) that it is out of a particular respect to you that you might profit by me that I come again, neither will I now give you any other Security then my own Bond, though I did otherwise before. But if you will desire to be satisfied as to my estate, pray let your Servant go to such a place in Surry, there is a piece of Gold to bear his charges, and I will satisfie you farther for the loss of your Servants time. He being greedy of gains very officiously promised me to do what I required, and would speedily give me an answer. Imagining what time his Servant would return, I repaired to him again, and understood from him by the sequel that he received as much satisfaction as in reason any man could require. Hereupon I had on my own Bond the Money paid me. I cannot but laugh to think how strangely the Surry Gentleman was surprized when the Money becoming due was demanded of him, and how like the figure of man in Hangings the Scrivener lookt when he found himself cheated.

CHAP. XXXVIII.

 

How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some Goods he had past his word for upon his friends accompt.

Notwithstanding I daily thus almost cheated one or other, procuring thereby considerable summs of money, yet by my Drinking, Whoreing, and defending my self from such as I had wronged I seldome kept any money by me. One day as I walkt the streets securely as I thought, a fellow fastned his Flesh Hookes on my shoulder. Looking about to see what this sudden Clap meant, I saw a fellow behind me whose face lookt ten times worse then those Jewes that are pictured in Aras-hangings whipping Christ; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within Aldersgate; his Visage was almost eaten through with pock-holes, every hole so big that they would haue served for Children to play at Cherry-pit. His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both head and face together and it appeared like the Saracens on Snow-hill ; questionless some Succubus begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self from my amazement; I ask him what his business was with me? He spake but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to relate. Away they carried me to Woodstreet at the Kings-head, from whence I sent for Baile, which speedily came to me, having put in Baile to one action I found another entered, having done the like that I found another, half a douzen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them too, I desired them to leave me, resolving to go to Ludgate. The two Serjeants that arrested me conducted me thither, having my name entred in the Paper-house, as Horses in Smithfield are in the Tole-booth, Cerberus turned the Key and set the door as wide open as Westminster Hall Gate in the Term time to Country Clyents to receive me from my Hell guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verse.



Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis.

I no sooner was entered into this inchanted Isle where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardener, because he had a kind of Reddish beard, and turn'd up withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner seemed mighty courteous, prefering me his Chamber for my Garnish sake. I accepted his kindness and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung-chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir said he that sits by the fire side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow, though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc'd to make use of a Knife instead of a Razzer; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly had all the skin of his body been like that of his face; it would have served excellent well when he was dead to make cloke bags of. Not content with this lodging, I sought out another, liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they wurried me presently like angry Mastiffes barking for their Garnish; I told them they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest string of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of sheets that never came nigh Holland by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bed-fellow brought me a candle not so long as his nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could; some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my invention. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack'd up a Trunk of most I had most valueable and portable, and getting a Porter sent it to an Inn where a Norwich Carryer used to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter I enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone and would not return till the next week, I ask them where I might lay my Trunk safe, they shewed me a Room, where bidding the Porter sit down I called for some Ale, telling the Porter moreover that I would have him be a witness of what there was in the Trunk, least I should be dishonestly dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Drinking; now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be so safe to leave this here in a publique house as in a friends, wherefore prethee go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish or what I could get, and so lockt it again. The Porter returning we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me that I would intrust him after our controversie, and received it, The next week I told him I would call for it in order to the sending it into the Country. The time being come I took the same Porter with me and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come Porter said I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something therein contained, which being done, I seemingly amaz'd, cry'd out I was rob'd, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery. He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him, coming to tryal by the assistance of two (resolv'd Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him and recovered above forty pound, besides costs of Suite.

CAHP. XXXIX.

 

How he cozened a rich Usurer, and a young Tradesman.

Being resolved to go and look out some of my Consorts to rejoyce together for my good success in my advantagious revenge, I met with an old Comrade that had lately heav'd a Booth, Anglice broken open a Shop, who told me he had a quantity of good Comodities, and desired me to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods indirectly come by, I promised him I would. The next day he delivered what he had into my hands, I instantly carried them to an old Usurer that would grasp at any thing, telling him I onely desired to Mort-gage them for such a time, requesting to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He looking upon them to be thrice the value of that summe lent me freely, and in my sight took the Goods and laid them in a place next his Bed-Chamber. The same day I met with this friend who demanded of me whether I had done his business? No not yet (said I) it will be too morrow first: How, ever let us drink a glass of Wine, which he readily consented to. Having drank pretty smartly he could not contain himself, (so powerful are the operations of Wine as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it inevitable ruine) I say he told me whose Shop it was he rob'd, and at what time. I seem'd to take little notice then, though I intended to make good use of it. Parting with him I went streightway to the person rob'd, and told him that accidentally I was informed of his late loss, and that my intent of coming was out of a principle of honesty to assist him in the recovery of what was stollen from him. But before I acqueinted him with any thing I required of him a Bond of ten pound if I helpt him to his Goods, which he granted me. I advised him to get the Lord chief Justices Warrant which he did, and taking some friends with him, I directed them where they should go, and in what place they should find them. He would have had me gone with him, but that I excused my self, alledged it would be inconvenient. Taking a Constable with them they went and found what they sought for according to my direction, which they seized, leaving the old man to condole his loss, which had been no great matter had not his life lain in his Purse.

Having thus carried on my mischievous contrivances with continued impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went gentilely habited with a foot-boy waiting at my heeles, I look out several Commodities, and laid them aside, assuring him that I would e're long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him. We discours'd upon the price, and in the conclusion closed. The next day I appointed the Goods to be sent home to my House, and in the interim desired him to go along with me, and accept of what poor accommodation my habitation would afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainteds but my design was to raise in him a good opinion of me, for I had one Room especially very richly hung with costly Furniture. My motion was entertained, and away we went; where I treated him nobly, the next day the Commodities were sent in with his Servant, who expected his money; but I pretended that my Casheer was abroad, and so desired him to call the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be spoken with. Thus he did so often till the young man was weary. At last the Master himself came who met me just as I was going out, who had not the patience to ask for his money, but presently railed most bitterly, calling me cheat, knave, &c. and that he would have a Warrant for me instantly.

Being gone, I was as nimble as himself, having a couple of my Emissaries ready for him against his return. It was not long before he came strutting with a Constable. Perceiving him coming I sent my two friends out with their Warrant; and putting into the Constables hand charged him in the Kings name to execute it upon such a one, meaning the Merchant, who dared not deny it but carried him before a Justice, before whom my two Rogues swore flat felony, and so was committed. Sending for friends they advised him to make an end thereof. Whereupon I was much soilcited; and upon consideration I consented to cause my friends to forbear prosecution.

And yet I have not fully unbowell'd the huge bulk of my villany, that hath proved so burdensome to the World, and destructive to so many Families; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature, and I shall so lay open the ulcers and sores of my impostumed machinations, apparent to the sight of every one, that the most Ospray and Owle-eyed spectator shall confess there never was a more necessary and cammodious discovery revealed. Brother said I, for so I must call you now, your flagitious deeds claiming that title, and must be compelled I see to give you superiority, the upperhand, for I am confident the line of other mens inventions never sounded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief. When I consider how powerful and imperious vice is of late grown; and what horrid facts are committed every where by licentious aud wicked men that swarm in all places: I admire that the Fabrick of the earth is not continually palsyed by Earth quakes, since there is a Creator above that oversees such actions. That the Earth her self (though an indulgent Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-spring, and therein for shame hide them; that the air is not choaked with Foggs, and that black pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of Heaven, and leave the World in obscurity; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from seeing such enormous crimes blacker then is the Eclipse of his countenance; and lastly that the Sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and remorseless usages of one another; our kindness being commonly attended with discourtesies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother you see I am sensible of my miscarriages, but want the power to regulate my life. I would have proceeded but that I found this discourse grated in his ears, wherefore I desired him to prosecute his story which he did in this manner.

CHAP. XL.

 

He discovers the subtlety of some Citizens he had to do withal by Broking for them, relating his own craft and cunning, and what the consequent was the ruine of young Gentlemen.

Like an Hawk as I told you I flew at all Game, not confining my self to any one thing particularly; where I could abuse the Law I did, and if I had an opportunity to Trepan, I seldome failed, &c. Some part of my time I spent in the enquiry of what young Heires were arrived, into whose society I was sure by one meanes or other to insinuate my self. These Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Spring; whom I very well understood, had rather be out of the World then out of the fashion, who would be brave for the present time, though their Gallantry cost them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus: Sir, you undervalue your self by the meanness of your Habit, it being so unsuitable to your quality; if you want money you cannot want credit, having a fair promising estate in reversion; if you are willing I will find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks it may be he would be in such hast as to send me presently. He could not be so eager to have his gaudy desires satisfied as I forward to accomplish them. I knew where to go readily to one with whom I went snips; in so saying I would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profession. If I discover the fraud of any particular person as long as I name him not, I do him no wrong, but if I detect by what deceitful and sinister means he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted Gallant, it may serve for an use of instruction. In the most famous Universities there are some Dunces resident, that by disgracing themselves disgrace also their fellow Students. In the most virtuous Courts there will be some Parasites. So in the most goodly and glorious City under Heaven Canopy, there are some Aspes lurking that sting the reputation of their Brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings. There are Knaves in all Trades but Book-selling.

But to my purpose a young Gentleman coming out of Norfolk to see the City and finding so many (beneath him in Estate) gallant it so much above him, he grew very melancholy; hapning to be in his company, and indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him the cause of his sadness? after I had prest him very much, he ingenuously confest the true original of his persiveness. Pish said I, is that all; let me alone to effect what you desire; neither shall you wait longer then the morrow. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a person fit for my purpose, and gave him an account of my business: glad he was, thankt me for my paines, promising me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern to consult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to see me, was , 145 impatiant to know whether his wishes were consummated. Come along with me said I, and we will try what we can doe. I have been very importunate with the Mercer, but as yet I canot mollify him, it may be your presence may do much. Finding him in the Shop, I called him aside, and told him this was the Gentleman. My young Gent. that would be a Gallant presently, fell aboard him (and with much fervency and protestations) he wooed the Mercer to credit him for 30l. worth of commodities. I called him aside, what will 30l. worth doe, take up an 100l. worth, and what you use not, I will dispose by sale to furnish your Pockets with money. He thankt me kindely for my advice and returned to the Mercer, who asked him, if he should credit him with so much, what security would he Propound? This struck my young Gent. as dumb as a Cods head. The Mercer perceiving he had nothing to say, plaid the Rope-maker, being extreme backward to trust him; Bonds he refused, Judgements he would not hear of, Statutes he scorned, for said he, Gentlemen of late have found out so many tricks to couzen their creditors (I by the same means having had several collops cut from the body of my estate) that I will not credit any more: Whereas he spake this only to grind the blunt appetite of any Commodity-maker into a sharper edge, and make him more greedy of his own ruine, imitating in this a cunning and deceitful, though petulant and wanton Curtezan, who is nice when a sick-brained young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindness, only to make him more fierce upon his own confusion: holding him off like a fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the roundlier to her purpose: But to the matter. My Gentleman being in a manner denyed, I seconded him thus; Sir, you know not what you do in refusing to credit this Gentleman, he is his Fathers heir, a man of a vast estate, and very aged: This his Son is about a very great match, a rich heiress, and though he hath not money for the present, yet let him have an hundred pounds worth of commodities, you need not doubt your payment, and it will do him at this present a thousand pounds worth of good. The Mercer began to hearken to this, and protested to my Green-Goose, that he would be glad to do any man a pleasure so as not to injure himself, that if he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his money in six months, he would freely let him have an 100l. worth of what he pleased; the young Gentleman protested, and I warrented it, and the Mercer (though seemingly loath, condescended, upon this proviso still, that he should procure some man else to be bound with him as good as himself; for said he, we are all mortall and having not a lease of our lives, we may dye to morrow; where then is my 100l. Signior Unthrift is once more put to his non-plus, but at length fell to intreat me, who would not by any means, and so we parted. He would not let me rest for two or three days together, so that at last, provided he would give me ten pound, I would; agreed, we went again to the Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the commodities. Having made my young Gentleman an absolute Gallant, I went to sell what was left, of which I made three-score pound, but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30 l. alleging, that when goods come once to be sold, they will not yield the moiety of what they cost, though new. Thus I perswaded him to be very well satisfied. He revels about, whilst I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as braines. Now doth my Mercer dream of nothing but his pay day, which he hoped would be broken. The time being expired, and my young Novice not minding it, the Mercer invited him to dinner to Fish-street; dinner being almost ended, for a third course came up a couple of Sergeants stewed with Mace, who arrested him at the suit of the Founder of the Feast; Not procuring Bail, he was carried to the Counter. where he lay some time; his friend hearing thereof, endeavoured to get him out, by suing out an Audita quarela; my Mercer hearing thereof, advised with me what was best to be done. Agree, said I with some Officer in the Exchequer, and so turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him so much money; for the Chancery will not, or can not allow any thing in such a case against his Majesty. He so doing his business was done for the present. Thus have I read, when Jews have bought a red haired boy, at first they will cloath him in silks, ravishing him with all the delights that can be thought on, never have Musick from his ears, or banquets from his taste; and thus use him, till they see he is plump, fat, and fit for their purpose, but when the poor boy least thinks of his immnent ruine, he is taken by a brace of slaves, and tyed up by the heels, so beaten by degrees to death with Cudgels, purging the rankest poyson out of his mouth, and making Mummie of his flesh I shall leave it to the Reader to make application. In short; I perswaded the Mercer to take a bond of 500l. of his Prisoner to be paid after his Fathers decease. This Widgeon being in the nets, sealed to any thing for his liberty. He was not the first so served by thousands. And that is the reason there are so many crested Citizens; for Gentlemen being beggered by their extortion, they have no other means than to fall in with their Wives, purchasing from them a supply. This is it that makes the Roads every where so full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have little mind to lend, but not without giving them Bonds. This makes Tyburn, the Metropolitan, and other pretty Gallowses, have so many hangers on; and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are plagued after their Fathers deaths, as their Fathers, when living, have plagued others. These are the Boars that plow up whole Acres, nay Fields of Gentlemens Lands with their Snouts; these are the Swine that eat up whole Orchards, and these are they whose fiery consciences drink up whole Fishponds at a draught; and lastly, they are the Aurricanes that root up the trees of whole woods together. From such, libera nos Domine.

To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxime, that the worst of Creditors are either very rich men or very poor men: The rich man can stay for his money, and therefore will have all or none, the poor man to be sure will have no pitty, neither do I see how he should, for it may be the debt is all he is worth.

CHAP. XLI.

 

How he insinuating himself into the acquaintance of all he though he could prey upon, and what tricks he used to build his interest upon their ruine.

How can that Tyrant flourish in his Commonwealth, when the foundation of his reign was built on the Sepulchre of the right and lawful Heir he murdered? And how can that man prosper whose rise he reared from other mens ruines? Such was I, who having often times been gulled by Knaves, turned Knave my self, and did as greedily hunt after such I could make a prey of, (to repair the damages I had sustained by others) as the Devil doth after Usurers souls, being on their death-beds, resolving to live like a Bandite on the spoil. Like a Souldier having been beaten to the world, (or indeed more properly beaten by the world) I began to summon up all my sences, and my idle brains to a strict account, how to get that up again, my riot and folly had spent, and thinking I had no way to recover my self but by what ruined me, I did cast about me; and fished after this manner. I prepared my lines, providing baits, and made ready my hooks, which had such constant and firm barbs, that after I had struck a Gudgeon in the Gills I was sure to hold him, though I suffered him to play a little in the stream. The floods I daily frequented, were either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houses, Cock-pits, Brothels, or Taverns, leaving no place unsearched wherein there might be any thing worthy a bait. If such I found, like a shadow I was never from his heels, but followed him close, especially if he was a young Country Gentleman, whom his Father had sent up to see fashions in the City; and rather than he should go out as raw as he came in, I failed not to season him in one of the Cities powdring Tubs. First, I made it my business to know what his Father allowed him, then would I study his natural disposition and inclination, and accordingly sute my self to him, so that by my behaviour towards him, he should look upon me to be his masculine Sweet heare, his bosome friend, and that like Hypocrates twins, we must needs live and die together. Having now by much sweat and industry adapted and fitted him to my humour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature, that I could make what impression I pleased on him, I brought him acquained with some of my accomplices, who all vailed bonnet to him, invited him from Tavern to Tavern; not letting him expend a penny, or if he wanted money I would supply him with four or five pound. This innocent (not having yet scented the City air) all this while thinks himself in Elizium, fancying he enjoys more delights then the Turks Paradise affords, and withal imagineth himself not a little graced to be entertained amongst such seeming gallants; for my Rogues (give me the liberty to call them so) lookt on it as the greatest piece of Policy to wear good cloaths, though their pockets were worse furnished than a Chandlers box, that seldome hath any greater money in it, then two pence, three pence, groats, &c. Sometimes my Cully did meet with such (that knew me) who would advise him to have a care, and not to keep me company, for I was a dangerous person, and in the end would ruin him. Whereas it was to little purpose, for when youth in its full vigor, and height of desire, neither wholsome counsel, nor lamentable examples, will give them warning of their future destruction. Still I continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to him, which I only intended as the Preludium or Prologue to that Play which was to come after; for my Country Cork-Brain being honeyed with these sweet delights, thought that whatever he could return was not able to give an answerable satisfaction. Watching for a fit oppertunity, (when he is well warmed with wine) then would I perswade him, (which was no difficult matter) to be bound with me for so much, &c. which I promised I would repay at the day, without putting him to any inconvenience; but he knew not that what I borrowed for an hour, I borrowed for an age. When I could squeeze no more juice out of him, then I left him, to the Mercy of his creditors, to be dealt withall as the Popinjay in the Fable, who being sumoned to appear with the rest of the winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer sort of Birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear splended before his Sovereign, after he was dismised, he proudly fluttered up and down the woods with his borrowed gallantry, which made the little Titmouse, Wren, and Hedg Sparrow adore him; they to whom he was obliged for his gallantry, hearing thereof, demanded again their own, and so deplumed him, whereby he seemed ten times worse than those small birds that lately did admire him. Such Popin-jaws are they that borrow of every Citizen to make themselves shew glorious in the world eye, but when their Creditors shall come and claim their own, and get it, they will seem more foul then lately they did fair. So various; and villanous were the pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now like an Owl, to appear only by night in the City. If I did at any time transgress that Custome, I did then as the Dogs of Egypt when they come to drink of the River Nilus; sip here and there, and dare not stay long in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the Banks, should pull them into the current, so did I; skulking here and there, then to one Tavern, and not daring to stay longer there, shifted to another, But to proceed.

CHAP. XLII.

 

How he could make Ink that would disappear from the Paper, accordingly as he pleased, by the strength or weakness of the composition. His imitating exactly both Hand and Seal. A remarkable Story thereupon.

Reading one time a Book that an Italian writ, I found therein a Description of several sorts of Ink, and how to make them; but more especially an Ink that should last a Week, a Month, or two, according to the composition. I made an experiment, and found it hit indifferently, perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I resolved not to rest till I had found out the true receipt, which I did at last by much study and industry. Having obtained it, I so highly valued it, that methought I should not have parted with it for the Philosophers-Stone. Not to be tedious, I did abuse therewith many persons with Bonds, Leases, Deeds, Acquittances, &c. there appearing in such a time nothing but the bare seal, the Paper remaining as white as if never writ on. By the help of graving I could counterfeit Seals exactly, insomuch that I have often cheated the Grand Cheater Oliver , the late Hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant: and by an exact imitation of an hand writing, his Council was too too sensible of what Cheats I put upon them. That I was no bungler at it, I shall give you this instance. Accidentally coming acquainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and well featured, her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame, so that I resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her. Often times I visited her, and by the modesty of my carriage towards her, she perceived not my burning lust. One time having a fit opportunity, she being alone, I communicated my thoughts to her, waving what amorous discourse past on my side, I would have fallen roundly to the matter; but she understanding my intent, cryed out, whereupon I desisted, seeing it was to little purpose if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, she exprest an absolute hatred to me for my incivility, and vowed she would neither see nor endure me more. The vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared she was in earnest, so that I saw 'twas time to be gone. Looking about (unperceived by her) I took up half a sheet of Paper of her writing, and clapt it into my pocket, and so took my leave. Coming home, I found my love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge; and thus it was I understood from her whereabout her husband liv'd, and what his christian name was, with somthing of her concerns, that her Husbands Mother could not indure her (because her son married her without a portion though a wise; discreet, vertuous, and handsome woman) and whereabout she liv'd, with name, &c. I counterfeited a Letter as from this Virtuous Gentlewoman to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of love, and that if he proved not more constant, she had no more to say to him, &c. the contents you shall have in the Letter it self, as followeth;

Most beloved by me of men.

I cannot blame you so much as my self: It is customary for man to proffer, but then it should be a womany duty to refuse; but alas! how could I withstand the powerful perswasions of your eloquent tongue, especially when they carried with them so much seeming reality of affections and constancy. I find you now like other vow-breaking men, who having obtained the fruition of their desires, their appetite nauseates that which before it so eagerly craved. Remember the many sweet nightly imbraces we have had, Call to mind those many endeared and melting expressions you did voluntarily utter, when I was encircled in thine arms, and if that will not reduce you to your former station, and good esteem of me, now so much slighted by you, consider that I have preferred you in love before my Husband, not caring how much I wronged him to pleasure you. If nothing will prevail, know then this shall be my resolution, that since you have alienated my affection from my husband, and you thus unworthily deserted me, I will procure a Subject elsewhere shall outdoe you in everything, as much or more as you have out-done my Husband. I am young, plump, handsom, and bucksome, what then should hinder me from enjoying such a person, my heart will not rest satisfied till I have found—which having done, he shall lead me in thy view, and then it is probable you will desire, but never shall reassume your place again within my breast.

Farewell.

This Letter was sent to her Mother in Law in the Country, who was glad she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son. Assoon as he saw the Letter, he very well knew the hand, he thought, and would have sworn it to be his wifes, but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to sink down for grief. Perturbation of mind would not let him rest in his Country dwelling, but rid Post up to London, where he soon found out his Wife. The unexpected sight of him at first surprized her, not hearing of his coming, and knowing that his occasions were very urgent in the Country; however, like a truly loving Wife, she was overjoyed to see him, and would have kist him, but that he rudely thrust her off; which action struck her to the heart, and overwhelmed her in amazement. Prethee sweet heart (said she) what is the matter? There read it, said he, throwing her the Letter; she read it, and swounded, he let her lye, not caring whether she lived or dyed; and had dyed indeed, had not her maid come up accidentally. Being recovered, he asked her whither it was her hand, she could not deny it, which made the man rage, ready to run out of his wits, whilst she was silent with astonishment, taking such inward grief, that she betook her self to her bed. Nothing could comfort her, neither would she take any thing to sustain life. Hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of somes lives, in the same hand I sent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the design, proclaiming to the world the Gentlewomans honesty, unspotted and unstained. The Gentlewoman recovered in a little time after, but this trick had too much seized upon my Gentleman, for like a fool he fell distracted in a sneering posture, as pleased to think his wife was honest notwithstanding. I have been somewhat long in this relation, because it was a passage very remarkable; Now I shall tell you how I cheated a young Citizen and Upholster.

CHAP. XLIII.

 

How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an Vpholster.

A young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to me, to procure so much as his present occasions required. I treated him very civilly, promising him very fairly, and in order thereunto appointed him a day: which being come, contrary to my expectation or desire, he brought a crue with him to see the receipt of the money. Judging this time inconvenient for my designs, I told him, I expected the mony this very day, but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it witnessed, he might keep it himself, and bringing the bond with him the next day he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him; as good Fortune would have it he came alone. I discoursed with him a while, at last I desired him to see the bond, which he delivered into my hand, being signed and sealed before: I took this as a good and lawful delivery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant; I told him he should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool (said I to lend thee so much money upon a piece of paper, which next shower of rain will wash away with thy self into the common shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous, but one of my accomplices soon stilled the clapper of his mouth by a sound knock on the pate, which laid him a sleep and in the mean time we marched off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock pated Cit Was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and Prisons in the City. Wanting another time some money to supply my present occasions, I could not think of any stratagem for the present to assist me in this necessity, but to sell my featherbed, with furniture thereunto belonging; packing them up, I got a friend to go along with the Porter, and sell them to an Vpholstar, which my friend did, bringing me half their worth, but withal that which was more then the whole worth the name of the Person. A week afterwards, wanting my bed, I resolved to have it again; whereupon I went to him that bought it, asking him before a couple I carried along with me, whether at such a time there were not such commodities sold him? he acknowledged there was. I desired to see them, and he as readily shewed them me. Sir, said I, these are my goods, I was lately robed, and now I know you are the receiver. I must have you before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The name of a Justice so terrified this simple, silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would swear they were mine, and put him to no farther trouble. First I swore they were my goods, (and therein I was not perjured but I told him I could not receive stollen goods safely, though they were my own. In short, I got my bed and furniture thereunto again, with money to boot.

CHAP. XLIV.

 

He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of his Creditors; the abuses and tricks Serjeants use to arrest men. Lastly he escaped by putting a trick on his Keeper.

Having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controule, at least any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries I had done, I absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no mollestation or hindrance, I took my freedom to even what I listed. One time thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest danger, being arrested in an action of five thousand pound: several times there were attempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them; yet at last they over-reacht me: It will not be amiss to relate in what manner; They had information that every week I had Letters come to me out of Essex, and that the Porter which brought them had still free admittance to me, Wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would better have becomed his Neck, and with Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my Lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his business, told them he had Letters for the master of the House, nominating me; looking out and seeing no one but a seeming Porter, I ordered that he should be let in. As soon as he was entred, he bid my worship good morrow, and instead of delivering me his Letters shewed me his Mace, which I wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelve-moneth. Seeing how I was betrayed, I went quickly along with him to the Compter: And afterwards finding I could make no composition with my Creditors, turned my self over to the Kings-bench. Various are their tricks and inventions to ensnare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known a Creditor to seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that paying some inconsiderable matter, his bonds should be renewed giving him longer time, then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a Councellor and Scrivener; a Councellor to advise them in the management of their business, and a Scrivener to write what they shall determine; He acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeoman of his Plot, who were as hot upon the exploit as an Italion on a Wench of fifteen. The Serjeant going with a Barresters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close as a stubble field, with a Pen in his ear, with some Parchment in his hand, effected their design without any suspition. A Merchant I knew that intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betrayed by his Servant informing his creditors that on such a time his Master would be gone. That on the morrow he would send for some Coopers to hoop some dry fats, to pack his Goods, and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they must make that their time to accomplish their desires. Some Serjeants were presently acquainted herewith, who attired like Coopers in red Caps, canvase Breeches with an Adds in their hands, & hoops about their shoulders went to the Merchant, and were entertained whilest he was giving them direction, instead of hooping the dry vats, they hoopt him in their armes, and arrested him. Before they parted with him they made him part with so much money as he should satisfie his Creditors & them; & was forced to fee them besides not to enter then any more actions against him. They will change themselves into as many various shapes as Proteus to bring about their design. Some times like a grand wealthy Citizen, other times like a Country fellow newly come to Town, booted and spured all dirty besides. Now as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me in short inform you of their using (or more properly abusing) Prisoners. First they enquire of the person whether this be the first time he was arrested; if so, then they know the better how to deal with him. It may be they will carry him to the Tavern, under the pretence of doing him some kindness, where they will advise him to send for some friend, and the one offers to be the Porter himself instead of fetching him, he only enquires out where any of his Creditors live, & perswades them to make use of this happy opportunity to recover their debt: the other that is left behind doth in the mean time milke him. Returning very sorrowful he tells him that his friend is not at home, &c. Having gotten as much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very hearts-blood of his Pocket: the Compter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes when they see a man in fear of arresting they will without warrant of the Creditor give him a cast of their Office, many times arresting him before they entered their action, and have their wayes to prevent a mans injuring them by search in the Offices. Other times when they are feed they will send to the party to keep out of the way, having been fed by him for that purpose afore. Oftentimes when they have arrested, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the person go for a brace of Angels, or so: telling his adversary that he cannot set eye on him. And though their fee for an arrest is to be but one shilling, yet will they not be wrought upon to perform their office hardly under a Crown, and though the statute saith that the arrested shall pay but one Groat, I will not excuse him for an Angel. If a man oppose them or struggle with them for an escape, they will both gripe and pinch the poor man, and afterwards clap an action of Assault & Battery on him at their own suit. I could say more of them but that out of fear I must be favourable being now as I tell you in Prison, in the Kings-bench: which may be called a Bankrupts Banqueting-house, where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens Tables; or a Prodigall Purgatory, and a Pesthouse for decaying Citizens. Being weary of this place, wherein there are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of Pandoraes Box opened by Epimetheus; I bethought my self of this stratagem. One day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my Keeper, resolving not to return back with him. Having bin from Tavern to Alehouse, and so to Tavern again pretending the despatch of much business, I at length told my Keeeper, that I would visit a very dear friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trimmed first; he consenting we went to a Barbers; I sate down in the Chair first, and being dispatcht, I desired the Keeper to sit down too, and I would pay for the sprucifying his Phisnomy. All the time he was trimming I talkt of one thing or another, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber shut your eyes, otherwise my ball will much offend them. Shutting his eyes I took an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by, the Barber not imagining I was a Prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the smart but opened his eyes, seeing me not in the Shop; he arose up, & making too much hast, overthrew Cutbeard, throwing the Bason on him, and away ran out into the street with the Barbers Cloth about him, and Don Barboroso's Turbant on his head, the people seeing him in this Garb with the froth still about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way The Barber with his Rayzor ran after the Keeper. crying stop him, stop him that I may be revenged on the Rogue. The other nere minding the out cry after him, ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst not stop him, others would not think the Barber by his posture intended to have his Testacles for abusing his Wife. To conclude, the Barbar at last seized him, and having gotten his Cloths, and made him pay sixpence for shaving; the Keeper was dismist with a kick or two in the Arse; The Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my self, resolved to take the Country air, where I happily met with you. Many other things worthy the remembrance did he receive, which now I have forgot. Some while we stayed together, but at last his business called him one way, and my Padding Trade nother.

CHAP. XXVI.

 

He is laid up in Oxford-Goal by his Host; he is cheated at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by some of his Comerades, Knights of the Road, they paying his Debts.

Our Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after we had divided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at Oxford, and repair to them again within two or three dayes. My old Acquaintance being overjoy'd to see me, after so long absence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased me so well, that I thought it a solecism in civility, to be sober, when they made any appointment for mirth; and they being true Bacchanalians, in the uppermost Classis of Aristippus's School, scorn'd to be outvy'd by a junior Sophister; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me: They never contended about any argument that tended to ebriety, but swallowed them all. I thought they would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavoring who should express most in its praise. One said, That Diogenes was but a dry fellow; and the only reason he could give for it, was, That it is shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that wooden house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being an enemy to all good wits and learning, gave him this Cask, which formerly had contained that pernicious liquor, beer, that by the meer scent he might destroy his understanding. But Bacchus is so witty a Philosopher, that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his instructions, till he hath filled his auditors out of measure; 'tis he that makes us speak fluently, and utter our minds in abundance: for my part, I am commonly so overjoy'd in his company, that I have often feared I should never be my own man again. Said another, It is Sack was the Promethean fire, not stoln from Jove's Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increase the native heat, without which we are but cold clay; but that celestial liquor applied even to the dead, will cause a revivication: this is it which gave Ganimede beauty, and Febe youth. Can you think, that ever Aristotle would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer; or, that Alexander's conquests had been heard of, had he been sober? therefore to make his Captains famous to posterity, he taught them how to muster Quarts and Pottles, and by accustoming them to be dead-drunk, shewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (said another, so drunk, that what he spake could hardly be understood) but pray take my opinion with you too: do not all light things ascend? what better way is there to understand high matters, then a light head? Copernicus by the lightness of his head, claimed alliance with heaven, and by that first found out the motion of the earth; which he could never have done, had not Sack been his instructer. Hence grew the Proverb, , 3 In vino veritas, as if Sack were the onely Butt truth shoots at, the piercing of which causeth the other to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, said I, my passion was never more stirred then the other day, coming by a red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy: there did I hear a Tapster aver, that Helicon was nothing more then an Hogshead of March-beer, and that Pegasus was anciently a Dray-horse: and then speaking of French wine in derision, called him frisking Monsieur; and the Spanish Don Rhodomantado; swearing, that if ever he met with either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dash him as he would. Then tumbling out two or three small-beer oaths, he wisht that he might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not verily believe he should see Monsieur burn'd with a pox to him, and Spanish Don mull'd to death with butter and eggs.



It is a thing beyond my reason,
   That we strong Ale for Sack should quit,
Since 'twould have blown us up by treason,
   Had not Ale bestirr'd our wit:
Then give us Ale, but banish Sack;
That Spanish Don must have the rack.

I could do no less for his malepertness, but broach his Hogs-head, which to convince him of his error, ran Terse Claret: I heard afterwards, this accident converted the Infidel. We spun out various discourses of this nature, as long as we could see, and then each man reel'd home to his respective lodging. The next morning, walking abroad to find out some of my last nights associates, unfortunately my Chester-Landlord (who having some business to do in Oxford, was newly come thither to dispatch it) espy'd me, and without accosting me (like a subtile Sophister) watcht me whither I went: being housed, he presently fetcht two Officers, and coming out into the street napt me. I sent to those friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that City; but they understanding the business, came not near me; one pretending indisposition of body; another, that he was not within; a third, that he was about urgent occasions, which having finisht, he would wait upon me; but in fine, none came to my relief, shewing themselves right pot-companions, whose courtesies it may be, shall extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants money to discharge it himself; but disappear and vanish, when their assistance is implored to draw him out of Prison. Seeing no remedy, I patiently suffered my self to be confined. My adversary visiting me, I treated with him about my releasment, offering him what I had, which was near upon half; but his resolution was to have all, or there I must lye. Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain against the inconstancy of Fortune; and ruminating within my minde the miseries that attend all sorts of prisons, I judged that of Debt to be the most deplorable: and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth depress the minde, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be without) my fancy scorned to be fettered, but would in spight of fate, use her freedom. 'Tis some kinde of pleasure and comfort, for a man sometimes in adversity, to descant on his own , 5 miserable condition; which because I found experimentally true, I applied my self to my usual custom, the use of my pen, differencing these Metropolitan Prisons thus:



To Bedlam men are sent bereft of wit;
When 'tis restored, then they are freed from it:
Confin'd to Newgate long, men can't complain,
For once a month they're cleer'd from it and pain;
In a short time their Bolts wear off, and then
They may be sure ne're to come there agen;
Discharged thence their fettered souls shall be,
Only an hour confin'd, and then set free.
Bridewel, no wise man yet did e're dispraise thee,
For thou dost feed the poor, correct the lazie;
The expiration of a little time,
Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime:
Hereafter from this Prison, Heav'n defend me,
Rather to Bedlam, Newgate, Bridewel, send me;
For there Wit, Work, or Law doth set men free,
Nothing but Money here gets liberty.

Having lain here above a week, I sent away a Letter to my brethren, informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the sum I was imprisoned for; which was sent me by them, and brought by one of our trusty Knights: paying my Debt and Fees, I returned again to them.

CHAP. XXVII.

 

He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the Road, whom he finds with two or three Gentlemen, strangers; he cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch.

My Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think there was some design in hand; but according to their usual course fell to drink high: observing two or three strange faces, I tipt a wink to one of my Brethren; being in another room, I asked him, who they were; he replied, Gentlemen that were travelling into the North ; to which he added, We have been pumping them (ever since we did thrust our selves into their company) to know what store of Cash they had about them; but we find little more then will defray their necessary expences on the Road; only, said he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch: I bid him return to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he stirred, I came in again to the company, not taking the least cognizance of any, but shewed much respect and civility to them all, as a stranger; I purposely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my friends both, pulled forth their Watches, striving who should first give me satisfaction to my question; after this, they viewed interchangeably the workmanship of one and the other, both praising the seeming goodness of each others Watch. At last my friend makes a proposition: , 7 Come, Sir, if you please we will make an exchange upon sentence and repentance. The stranger desired to understand his meaning: Why, Sir, said he, we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person, and what difference he shall judge there is between them, shall be given in money by him whose Watch is least worth. It was concluded upon; but they could not agree into whose hands to put them. At last it was mutually agreed upon between them, that I being a stranger to them both, should be the decider: I seemingly refused it, but they would not hear me alledge any arguments to the contrary; whereupon I went out, and immediately causing my horse be brought forth, without the least delay I mounted, and away I rid. My Comerades knew where to meet with me at the next stage. The next morning they found me out, telling me how they all stormed to be so cheated, to avoid suspition: and now did they all imbrace me, promising to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure.

CHAP. XXVIII.

 

He puts a notable Trick upon a Physician.

Near adjacent to our general rendezvous, I was informed of the habitation of a wealthy Physician, who had shewed himself fortunately expert in divers Cures, where it seemed that humane art had not sufficient power to give a remedy: The fame of his great Skill, and of many admirable Cures, which to the shame of other Physicians, he had performed, made him so generally beloved and sought after, that in a short time he purchased, by his sanatory industry, above 500 l. per annum, and seldom had less by him than a thousand pound. Thus much I casually understood from one accidentally, speaking of this his rich Neighbour: but that which pleased me most was, that (as he said) he seldom carried less than an 100 pieces of gold about him constantly, proceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal. I could not sleep for contriving a way how I might disembogue this Urinal of what it contained: sometimes I way-laid him in his return; but he was so well esteemed of, that he seldom returned home without two or three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have pretended some distemper, and so have applied my self to him for Cure, and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my Malady, that then I would present a Pistol to his breast, swearing, that should be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the least noise or resistance, deliver such a quantity of Gold; but this way I could not approve of, it being accompanied with so much hazard. At last I thought of this stratagem, which safely produced its effect: One day after dinner I rid to his house (seemingly) in extream haste, which he might perceive, not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horse, which was all of a foam; I askt his servant, with much quickness, whether Mr. Doctor was within; yes, Sir, (said he) if you please to walk in, I shall call him to you. I waited some time (for most of that profession must take some state upon them) and then Mr. Doctor came. Sir, (said I) the report of your great experience in your happy Practice hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your assistance, and that instantly, if you have any respect to the preservation of life; the trouble I shall put you to, shal be gratefully recompensed to the utmost of my ability. The Doctor inquired of me, whom it was, and what manner of distemper the person laboured under; I readily told him, it was my Wife, who for some continuance of time, hath been extreamly troubled with the Flux of her belly; the more that is applied to it by us, the more it increaseth; wherefore, our help failing, I beseech you lend us yours, and favour me so far as to ride with me to her. The seeming sincerity of my words prevailed upon him, as they would have done upon the most distrustful. This Doctor (who as I was informed, was accustomed to be indued more by gain, then fair words) gave me this desirable answer: Sir, far be it from me that I should refuse to do my indeavor to any person what ever, much less to a Gentleman of your rank & quality, in that little skil which I have in the knowledge & practice of Physick; if I can effect any thing for the good of the good Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thither with a very good will, which at any time my charge requireth. Without entertaining any further discourse, his horse was made ready, and so we rid away together. As we rid through a small Wood, leading him the way I turned my horse about, and clapt a Pistol to his breast, shewing him withal an empty bag: See here, Sir, (said I) my Wife, which hath a long time bin troubled with a flux or vomiting, which you please, the last I think more proper; for she no sooner receives any thing for her (and my) sustenance, but she immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now, Sir, if you do not find out some means to mitigate this distemper (the cure I shall never expect, as knowing it impossible) this Pistol shall send you to Æsculapius, to consult with him what is most fit to be administred: come, Sir, let me advise you, and save your self the trouble of so long a journey; your gold (an hundred pieces (as I am told) are the constant attending Esquires of your body) I say, that is the best and only Recipe for a remedy. The Doctor perceiving there was no help, in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was near upon the sum exprest: there was a rich Diamond-Ring on his finger, which I desired him likewise to give me, which should serve for a perpetual memorandum of his kindness to me. I commanded him, as he tendred his life, to ride back again, without so much as once looking behinde him; and that if he offered to raise the Country, if I was sure to die that instant, I would be the death of him first. The Doctor followed my dictations so exactly, that I never heard more of him.

CHAP. XXIX.

 

He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poetically inclined; he courts her, and in a short time injoys her, and after that ingratefully leaves her, carrying away what ready money she had.

Having gained so much money by mine own industry and sole procurement, I resolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor associate my self any longer with them, being so encouraged by this success, that I concluded I might atchieve gallant things by my self: being belated one night, and some miles from any Town, I knockt at an house that stood in my road, imagining it at first a publick house for entertainment; one of the servants coming to the door, I found it no such thing: he demanded my business: Prithee sweet heart (said I) acquaint your Master, that there is a Gentleman requests the civility of a nights lodging: she goes in, and informs her Mistress what I said, who came to me with much respect, telling me, She questioned not but that I was a Gentleman, & therefore should be welcome to the mean accommodation she was capable of shewing. I rendred her many thanks, and so alighted; strict order was given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horse: this being done, I was conducted into a very stately room; there did I make my apology in the best Rhetorick I had, for I perceived she was endued with ingenuity, by the quaintness of her expressions, Ex pede Herculem: Many things I forged, as that the wayes being dangerous, I was fearful to adventure any farther, withal having a great charge upon me. Such was her urbanity, that laying aside all niceties, she bore me company till it was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the house afforded, which was beyond my expectation. Every glass of wine, or bit, almost, that I committed to my mouth, she ushered thither with some Apophthegm or other: the whole series, indeed, of her discourse, was composed of nothing but reason or wit, which made me admire her; which she easily understood, I perceived, by her smiles, when she observed me gaping, as it were, when she spoke, as if I would have eaten up her words. As her soul was beautiful, sparkling with celestial ornaments, so was the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with natures chiefest gifts: She was very clear skin'd, well bodied, a sharp piercing eye, a proportionable face, an exceeding small and white hand; and then she lispt a little, which became her so well, that methought it added a grace to the rest of her internal and external qualifications. Being about ten a clock, she advised me to repose my self, supposing I was weary; I condescended, though with much regret to leave her so soon; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwise: She conducted me to my Chamber, where bidding me good night, she betook her self to her own Chamber. That night I could hardly sleep, not so much for pure love, as the heat of lust: next morning, very early, I heard her stirring, which made me wonder; but she told me afterwards, that she got up so soon, fearing I should have gone away, and she not take her leave of me. About eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-posset; & a little while after, her Mistriss came, courteously saluting me, and enquiring how I slept: I return'd her an answer, in as handsom terms I could utter: her eyes plainly discovered to mine, that she had more then a common respect for me. Having left me a while, I arose & made my self ready for my journey: after several discourses which she had ingaged me in, purposely to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, she attending me to the court: my horse being brought out halted down-right (she had caused him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might stay longer.) Not knowing what to say or do, Well, Sir, said she, since the unhappy accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly, make use of my house, & what is in it, till your horse be recover'd of his lameness. This was a proposition that my soul longed for; wherefore I could not but shew much satisfaction in the acceptation of this proffer. We walkt in again, and prosecuted, for diversion sake, our former discourse, interlining it with some love-touches at a distance, which she would frequently descant on pleasantly. We in this short time became intimately acquainted; which need not be much wondred at, considering the greatness of sympathy between us; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways difficult. Having talkt our selves weary, Come, said she in a very familiar manner, I will shew you the product of some idle hours; and with that, brought me several Epitaphs, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrosticks Epigrams, &c. of her own composition, too many here to relate; but for their wit, deserved to have each line characterized in gold: some I would here insert, were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great and glorious, that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their due merit; and I was glad I had this happy occasion to vent my own thoughts, which I tacitly insinuated in these lines, reflecting on her from what I had read



Sisters thrice three I've read of, and no more,
Till your quick wit compleated half a Score:
Since you are one, let me perswade you then,
Be kind to me, for they are kind to men.
Dearest be like them, they are soft and blithe,
Let who will love the nine, give me the tithe.

These lines so powerfully wrought upon her, that she could not forbear to tell me, that she was much obliged to me for what I had writ. You cannot Madam, said I, cancel your obligation, till you have made some recompence: with that, said she smilingly, What will content you? The continuance of your favour Madam, is the utmost ambition of my desires. You have it Sir; neither can I deny any deserving man a thing so inconsiderable; By your favour Madam, love I mean. I never was so uncharitable, said she, to be out of love with any. I was glad to hear her reply so merrily: for a fort which so capitulateth is half surrendred. Since I had broke the ice, I was resolved to prosecute my design, wherefore in plain English I told her, that I loved her from the first interview, so ardently, that my constancy should prove the reality of my affection: she desired me to leave that to the test of time; that should she believe me suddainly before she had made tryal, she should not only lose the good estimation she had gained by the prudent and discreet management of her affairs, every one accusing her for too much credulity, but thereby it may be involve her self in a Labyrinth of all manner of troubles. Tryal, said I, you shall have: and knowing the manner of courting a widow, I made no more ado but slipt my breeches, & before she knew justly what I was about to do, I was between her legs, & having seis'd her sally-port, I entred and took the gulf: I did this with such speed, that she had not time to make any resistance; and I charm'd her tongue from making any outcry, by putting her into an extasie of sense-ravishing delectation Parleys operate little on a widow, there is nothing sooner gains a conquest, then a storm, or a resolute assault. This action made her so firmly mine, that I durst not speak of leaving; which when I did at any time, her Soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me. Some two months we spent in all manner of self-pleasing delights, til at last I begun to be try'd with her too too frequent invitations to venereal sports: the more I endeavoured to satisfie her, the more insatiate she was. Not only by her, but by others, this experiment I found, that the oftner I treated them with a venereall banquet, the more eagerly and earnestly they desired it. Being now incapacitated to hold out in this manner longer, I thought it high time to be gone, but not without sufficient recompence for my service. She daily sollicited me to marry her, which I promised her from time to time, waiting an opportunity when I might become master of her treasure. One day in a frolick, and the more to encourage me to make a speedy consummation of our loves by marriage, she shew'd me all her writings which concerned her estate (by which I found her to be so wealthy a fortune; that I oftentimes curst my unhappy stars, that they had thus debarr'd me from the complement of so great a bliss.) After this, she shews me a trunck wherein was contained her cash: then taking me about the neck with such fervency of affection, that I thought she would have strangled me, and with the repetition of kisses, she smiling, askt me whether these things satisfied me or not. I told her they did, but they were not to come in competition with her most affected self: with that she gave me the keys of that trunck wherein her mony was; and in retaliation, I vowed to marry her in four days. In the mean time I studied how I might be gone, but could not contrive a way, she not induring me to be of her sight. In fine, I feigned some indisposition of body, and that I would ride two or three miles for the benefit of the fresh air, and return: with much unwillingness she consented. Just as I was about to take horse (having furnished my self with as much mony as I could well carry without discovery) she wept bitterly (as having I think a prophetick Spirit.) I ask'd her the cause of her discontent: all bathed in tears, she answered me with a deep sigh, (like a Presbyterian at a long Lecture) I shall never see you more: Hard-hearted man! can you thus leave a woman that loves you thus dearly, nay that dotes on you? I made many protestations to the contrary; which were not believed. Seeing that I could not prevail on her belief, I bad her farewell, setting spurs to my horse, and was out of sight in an instant. I could not but condemn my self extreamly for this in humane action: but considering that there is no slavery greater than that of the smock, I soothed my self up in mine own unworthiness; passing by a little Ale-house, I called in, and over a pot of Ale I composed these ensuing lines, which I sent to her by a messenger I procured in the house, directed thus:

Deliver these to the fair hands of Mrs. Pulcheria Tickleman, at her dwelling-house, near Redding.

The Contents were these, or to this purpose

Madam,



A Poetess you are, and Prophet too,
Thus to divine I'me gone from you
Eternally. 'Tis true: D'ye think that I can eat,
Though ne're so choice, always one sort of meat?
No faith; I'd rather wear a Porters frock,
Then to be shrowded in one womans smock.
You say you are with child; Pish, don't complain,
'Tis but the product of your fruitful brain:
Y'are only big with fancy, which may prove
A witty Brat, like Pallas sprung from Jove.
And have you then conceiv'd? How can I chuse,
But write encomiums on my fertile Muse?
Mind not the Father, nor his Brat, for it
Will like the Father live (no doubt) by wit:
Let Pegasus be Godfather, the crew
Of the nine Muses, Gossips; so adieu.

I desired no answer, therefore stayed not till the return of the messenger, but rid that night to Maidenhead.

CHAP. XXX.

 

He comes up to London, sends to a particular friend, whom he could confide in, to come to him, and requests him to compound with his Creditors, which he did in a short time; and in a short time after, he attempts the robbing of an house, but is taken and clapt up in Newgate: The miseries of an imprisoned estate, with the manner of his escape out of that Prison.

The next day I rode towards London, and about twylight took up my quarters in the Suburbs: The day following, I sent for a friend whom I could put confidence in, who came immediately upon the reception of my Letter. I communicated to him my intentions, who was very glad to hear of my resolution; yet I would not acquaint him how strong I was, nor by what means procured: 'twas enough that I gave him commission how far forth he should proceed, and no farther, which was half a crown per pound. He went (after I had given him a list of them all) to every one particularly, and treated with them so cunningly, and they despairing of ever recovering a farthing, condescended to his proposals; whereupon he gets them all to subscribe, and then brings the paper to me, which I exceedingly well liked of. According to the day appointed, he carried them the Money, which every one received proportionably, each Man respectively giving me his general release from the beginning of the world: they to whom I had confest , 19 Judgements, filled according to Law their discharges. But when my Creditors a little while afterward, saw me walk the streets in so splendid a garb, some of them were ready to die with anguish; but that which troubled them most, was my supercilious looks when I met any of them, and my slighting salutations. What I did in this respect, was only to have the freedom of walking the streets, without the molestation of chargeable arrests. I kept such deboist company, that the remaining part of my Money grew low, and in a very short time after was all spent. All my drunken companions failed me, and I having nothing left me but my cloaths, necessity made me condescend to the enquiry after the kind-natured Gentlewoman, my Wife: Her nearest relations could not give me any account of her, giving her over for lost. I wandred up and down, imploying all the powers of my wit and invention, in the search of what might conduce to supply my present necessities. While I was thus hammering out some new design on the Anvil of experience, I bethought my self where probably I might find my Wife: First, I went to Ratcliff highway, and made enquiry of Dammaris, &c. the Metropolitan Bawd of those parts, for a Gentlewoman of such a complexion, stature, and age, ('twas but a folly to mention her name; for those that follow that trade, change their names as often as they do their places of abode) but that cart-load of flesh could give me no information, neither was it possible for me to have staid to hear it, she so stunk of strong-waters, stronger then that Cask that never contained any thing else: I went down all along to the cross, in my way I saw many whores standing at their doors, giving me invitation; but being poor, they could not afford the charge of Fucus, so that their faces lookt much like a piece of rumpled parchment, and by their continual traffick with Seamens breeches, I could not come near them, they smelt so strongly on Tarpawlin and stinking Cod; yet still no tidings of her I sought for. From hence I went to Fleet-yard, but there they were so dawbed or plaistred with paint, and botcht with patches, that had I seen her there, it was impossible for me to have known her. Away I went to Luteners-lane, Sodom, and Dog and Bitch -yard; but the Pox, it seemed, had not yet fitted her for those places. From hence I went to Whetstone-Park, where I saw my Mad-dame standing at the door: her frequent trading, and those many shots she had received between wind and water in the service, had so altered her countenance, and disproportioned her body, that I knew not whether this Frigat was English or Flemish built: but at last, hailing whence she was, I boarded her, and made her lawful prize: mistake me not, I rummag'd not in her Hold, fearing she was a Fire-ship. The sight and knowledge of me, made her shed some Babylonish tears, which I took little notice of, knowing them to be either customary to that sex, or the effects of a moist brain. In we went together, where we had according to the custom of the house, pint black-pots of small Ale for two pence, and quarterns of strong water, half filled, for six pence, with biskets; which as soon as brought, every one broken, though not a bit afterwards eaten. We must be smoaking too, though the pipe must be thrown down carelesly, and often broken as soon as put to the lips: One of the Plyers , 21 being gone down to draw some more drink, she begged me to conceal my self for the present, and comply also with the cheating customs of the house, and she would willingly pay all. I had hardly smoakt two whiffs more, but that a fellow came, where we were, swearing dam-me, why do you stay with this fellow, and leave me thus, you unconstant Quean? have spent my estate on you, and must you now grow weary of me? and with that, drew his knife, making a proffer to cut her nose off. I was so amazed at what I heard, and so irritated by passion, that I knew not which of them to be revenged on first. Sir, said I, I have been longer acquainted with her then you, and may justly claim a better title and more priviledge; but as you have affronted me, so I shall require satisfaction instantly, nor referring our difference to be decided by the field, an Umpire that Cowards frequently make choice of: so drawing my knife also, and seizing on his nose, which I intended to have divorc'd from his face, I was prevented, for it dropt off into my hand. This accident so astonisht me; and withall being much affrighted at the sight of his deaths-head, I durst not meddle with him any further, lest handling any Member, it would have dropt off in the same manner: he made a blow at me, but instead of striking me, I expected when his fist would have flown from his body into my face: he kickt at me, but that leg being up, the other was incapable of supporting his body, and so he fell down. The old Bawd hearing this disturbance, ran to us as fast as the vast bulk of her body would give her leave, whose pace was not much siwfter then a snail in his full career, who having fasted too long, by the constant repercussion of the Sun-beams on him in a Misling morning, forrageth a garden for pillage. From the place whence she started, to that where we scuffled, was about six yards distance; and from the time of her setting forward, to the time she came to us (not to belye the woman) was about half an hour, and then too, out of breath, for the haste she made. Sirrah, sirrah, said she, come you hither to breed quarrels, and abuse civil Gentlemen, and it may be, build a sconce too? get you out of my house, you Rascal, or I'll scald you out. By this time the Pimp came to their assistance, and so they all conjoyn'd to shove this poor fellow out of doors: and notwithstanding he had for two or three years frequented the house, yet they neither pittied nor relieved him as a maimed souldier, the marks whereof were a sufficient testimony, besides the loss of a Member or two. Having discharged my reckoning, my Wife appointed me a place where I should meet her. Having now conveniency and privacy of discourse, we wav'd every thing that tended not to my present design, which was the contrivance of some way to live. At last we resolved to take an house, and live together; I thought it was as good to be Pimp to my own Wife, by which means the major part of the gain would be mine, as Pimp to another for twelve pence a day and spunging. What we had determined, we soon put in execution: what Money she had, was laid out in utensils belonging to our trade, as for bedding, linnen, chairs and stools, &c. The Tally-man, or Broker, who sells his goods to be paid by 12d. a pound per week, the truth of it is, we found of him, but more especially his servants, excellent customers; for they would , 23 for a private favour, cut off a score, sometimes two or three, from the Tally. Our stock being but small, my Wife was forced to be both Bawd and Whore; but our trade increasing, she goes frequently to the Carriers, where at last she had pickt up a couple of very well-featured Country-girles, and brings them home, entertaining them as servants, but shewing as much kindness in them, as if they had been our nearest kindred, purposely to induce them to stay: The Whore, my Wife, intended to have sold their Maidenheads at a dear rate; but in truth, I ever lov'd such things too well to put them to sale, having them in my possession. To be sure thereof, I gathered my Rose-buds the first night, lest the infectious and contagious breath of some one Suburbicarian should blast them: in four dayes time afterwards, I fitted them for their occupation, leaving the instructive part thereof to my Wife to season them withall. I never saw two young Jades understand their trade sooner in my life; for in a Months time they could Cant indifferently, Wheedle most cunningly, Lye confoundedly, Swear desperately, pick a Pocket dexteriously, Dissemble undiscernably, drink and smoak everlastingly, Whore insatiately, and brazen out all their actions impudently. Now did I begin to renew my acquaintance with the tribe of Rogues, with whom I grew so intimate, that I was seldom out of their company, either at home or abroad. To relate all the tricks and rogueries we committed in one half year, were an half years work: therefore to be short, we were grown so notorious, and so generally taken notice of, that at last my Wife, and her two Maids of dishonour, were apprehended by the Marshals men, and carried to Bridewel; I my self narrowly escapt by flight: the next day I boldly went to visit them; methought their beating of hemp became them excellent well; and in troth I'le say this for them, there hath not been seen in that place a more serviceable strong-dockt Crew for many years. Looking very earnestly upon that Hemp my Wife was beating, a deep fit of Melancholly seized me, proceeding onely from my imagination; for I fancied that very Hemp would make that very Rope which should put a period to my life. The time of my visiting them, fell out on the day of their correction; understanding so much, I resolved to stay and see them well lasht I hop'd: My Wife being manacled, and the whip ready to encircle her waste, Hold, said I, and then directing my self to the Masters of Bridewel; May it please your Worships, this woman now under correction, is the most impudent brazen-fac'd Whore in the whole Town; I have known her a long time, ever since, and some small time before she undid her Husband, a very honest man indeed, and had the good report of all his neighbors; but this confident Slut could not then be content without her Stallion, whom she maintained by what she purloin'd from her Husband, and so utterly ruined him: since she hath been the destruction of several, some in their estates, others in their bodily health, and now so far from being penitent, that she glories in nothing more, then in the relation of how many she hath undone here and hereafter: wherefore I beseech your Worships, for my friend's sake, that good honest man, and for the good of her own soul, add one half-dozen stripes to the number intended, and let them be laid home. I had no sooner ended my speech, but I vanisht immediately. Just as I was out of the gate, I met with two of my roguing friends, whom the Devil had sent, I think, to way-lay me: they were going, it seems, to see some of their Doxies, that had that day been committed. Being overjoy'd to meet me so accidentally, they would needs have me go to the Tavern with them: over a glass of wine we consulted about divers matters, no goodness to be sure; the result whereof was, that I should go to such an house, and try if by any means I could get into it unperceived, and abscond my self in order to my opening the door of them about twelve a clock. According to the time nominated I went, and with much facility conveyed my self into a lower room, wherein there was a bed, under which I crept, being confident I might lie there securely, till all the houshold were retired to take their rest: After I had lain about some two hours on the ground, there came into this room a servant; I peept out, and by the light of his candle, saw that which I thought would have distracted me with fear; it was, the laying the cloth, by which I understood, the Master of the house intended to sup there: suddenly after, meat was brought in, and served to the table; then came five or six persons, who passing divers complements (all which needless ceremonies at that time, I wisht, with their inventers, were stark naked upon the top of the snowy Alpes) every one took their seats. Had not there been at that time some small pratling children running up and down, and making a noise, the affright their appearance had put me in, would have betrayed me; for my knees knockt so hard one against the other, that they made a noise like a Mill-clack, or the striking of two marrow-bones together: for my life I could not prevent the Palsie from seizing every limb of me. My cruel fates had so ordered it, that there was a small Dog in the room, and a Cat, both dearly beloved by their Mistriss, who would be continually flinging down something or other, which they continually quarrelled about, as jealous and envious upon the distribution of their Mistriss favours: at length she threw down a small bit; the Cat being somewhat a more nimble servitor, and diligent waiter than the Dog, took it, and ran with it underneath the Bed, the Dog ran after the Cat snarling, endeavouring to affright her, that she might forsake the purchase: The Dog approaching near, and too much intrenching upon her right, she puts him in minde of his duty, by one scratch with her Claw, and chastiseth him for his rashness with two or three more: this so angred him, that he made a furious assault upon Puss, who defended her self as well as she could; but at length they closed, and grappling each other, they made a most hideous noise. The spot in which they fought this combat, was underneath the Bed upon my buttocks: the servant that attended being over-hasty to quell the noise, by parting the fray, snatcheth up the fire-shovel, and throws it underneath the bed; had it hit my nose with the edge, as it did my breech with the handle, I should have had it pared off even with my face. The Cat instantly provides for her safety by flight, but the Dog still remained behinde grumbling, and now and then barking with such eagerness, that he became very offensive to the whole company. Wherefore the servant was commanded to drag him forth, which he did, beating him, and throwing him out of doors: in the mean time I was left in such a condition as if I had been breathing my last. As soon as the door was open'd, the dog came in underneath the bed with more fury than before: this second alarm did my business (or as they vulgarly say, made me do my business) for running fiercely on me, he had bit me by the nose, but that I snatch't away my head from him: but not observing the Bed-post behinde, I thought I had dashed my brains out against it; fear also having bereft me of my retentive faculty, I did let flie at one and the same time, which made so strange a noise together, that they all rose from the table to see what was the matter: their noses quickly informed them of some part, for the room was presently strongly scented; looking underneath the bed, they could see poor Jain Perus giving up the Ghost (as dying persons usually evacuate their ordure before their departure) they pulled me forth, and quickly revived me, they rough handling me, and then beat me, till I was e'ne dead again. Being taken in the present offence, I could expect no other but to be subject to the rigour of their vengeance; I could make no plea sufficient to stay their fury, or satisfie their revenge: having fetcht a Constable, I was carried before a Justice of Peace, who with little examination caused my Mittimus to be drawn, and so I was sent to Newgate. I was no sooner within, and under lock and key, but fetters confined my legs from stragling, and bracelets were clapt upon my arms. The Rogues came all flocking about me for their Garnish, which I gave them: some of the gentiler sort added more to it, so that we had abundance of drink. But never did I hear so confused a din of Dam-me, and Sink me: others singing so loud (alias roaring) that I thought my self in hell, and that these were dammed soules that roared through extreamity of torments. I thought none had been so wicked as my self, till I came among these Hell-hounds. Not a word came from any of their mouthes, but what was seconded with an oath, cursing their bad stars, and banning even God and his Angels. The Misery of this or any other prison is sufficiently represented, if by nothing else then want of liberty, that rich inheritance of living souls: as it is the greatest of injoyments, next that imperial Gem of health, so the want thereof next to sickness must needs be of all other the most bitter. Since then to be confined to the confines of the Goal, is to be in part unman'd, entomb'd alive, what and how great is that wrethedness that is occasioned not only by a want of liberty, but by a continual dread of shameful death! The terror of this place full of torture is so exasperated by the imagination of a noble mind, that hell it self cannot contain more exquisite woes and pains, a continuance whereof were sufficient to punish all offences, if the Law dispenced with that debt due to Justice, the life of the offender. Your companions are none but licentious wretches, souls which daily surround you with their loathsome persons overspread with scabs and lice. Here sighing is our air, our comfort coldness, our food despair, our musick ratling of chains, our recreation the destruction of vermin, lastly, our expectation death and damnation. The keeper with the grim aspect of his stern countenance, makes us tremble, with fear of a new martyrdom, whilst the insulting raskal on the tiptoes of his pride need not skrew his ill-favoured face to a frown, for he knows not how to look otherwise; which so dejects the spirits of we poore imprisoned slaves, that the contrition of our lookes seems to implore his smiles, whose flinty heart having renounced remorse, casts a defiance in our sad and pitious faces. I might insist much further, but that I am hastning to get out of the miserable and soul-excruciating prison. One day, after I had exonerated nature, I chanced to view the seat, and found that it was no difficult matter to go down the vault by the help of a rope. A trusty friend coming to see me, I told him what I had observed, and what I wanted: some three dayes before the Sessions, he brought me rope enough to have hanged us all. Having a respect unto two more which I honoured for their admirable good parts, I informed them of what I intended; which presently we put in execution. First I went down, but I could have wished my self up again; for I was up to the neck, and knew not but that I might be deeper, but to my great comfort I found to the contrarry: the rest descended after me, with the like good success. Having gotten us to an house in which we could put confidence, we quickly freed our selves from our iron tackle.

CHAP. XXXI

 

He and his two comrades (which he had delivered) disguise themselves, and having been old experienced Gamesters, they taught him all the tricks on Cards, by which they usually cheated their Cullies or Mouths, and also how to nap, palm, or top a Dy; With all things thereunto belonging.

We had places enough to send to for change of apparel, as rich as we pleased, or as beggerly again on the contrary, according as our design required. Having layen in Lavender about a fortnight in this house, not onely to sweeten us, but that the rumour of our escape, and search for us might be over, we got our selves change of habits; Then did we all consult with our looking-glasses, for the change of our faces, not suffering our own judgments to pass, without the approbation of the rest. In the first place I got me a cole-black Perriwigg (my own hair being flaxen) and a small false beard sutable, with whiskers in the Spanish fashion: It was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every morning; then clapping a patch on my left eye, stealing out of the room, while my companions were busied about the same thing not minding me, and coming in again presently, my appearance did put them all into a very strange confusion. I changed my voice, and asked them what they were doing; and speaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted with, their chops mov'd incessantly, but the Devil a word I could understand; they had got a palsy in their jawes, by their suddain surprizal: To have observed the several Monkey-faces, and Baboon-postures, could not but extract laughter from the severest Cynick. Why don't you answer me, and that quickly, ye sneaking dumb raskals? Looking most piteously one upon the other, expecting who should speak first, at last said one, We mean no harm, we are only preparing some things for a Mask, which shortly will be presented to the Citizens, and we are persons therein concerned. I could not hold longer, but burst forth into an excessive laughter, by which they understood their mistake, not without shame enough to think that the apprehension of danger so slightly grounded, should so terrifie them, being struck dumb and almost dead with a pannick fear. To be brief, we very well liked the manner of our Metamorphosis; and having borrowed some Mony as the necessary tools of our intended trade, we adventured abroad. The first Mouth we pickt up was in the long walk by Christ-church, upon the account of a wager: there came towards us a young man, who by his garb seemed to be a Merchants man (he afterwards proved so, and his Casheer) I stept to him, and said, Sir, if it may not be too troublesome to you, I beseech you resolve me one question: This Gentleman hath laid an Angel with me, & referr'd the decision thereof to the next that came this way, whether this next adjacent Hospital be Saint Thomas's, or Saint Bartholomew's . Said the young Man, I can assure you, it is Saint Bartholomew's . Why then friend (said I) you have lost. Sir, will you be pleased (if it may not be any great hindrance to your present affairs) accompany us to the next Tavern, and participate of the loosings? for I scorn to pocket it. He condescended, and so we went together: we discover'd not any thing till the sixth pint, and then my friend as by chance found a pair of cards in a corner of the window, which he himself had layed there before. Here is a pair of cards (said he) come, to pass away the time let us play for a pint or so; so I really took up my friend, Put was the game; I won of him two or three pints, and ever and anon I would drink to the stranger, so that now he began to be warm'd, and seemed to take delight in our play, looking over my hand, and sometimes prompting me to see him when he did put to me. At last my friend played the high game, as the term of art renders it; that is, he gave me two trays and an ace, and reserved for himself two trays and a duse. My Antagonist puts to me: I pretended I knew not what to do, shewed my game to the stranger that looked over my shoulder: he jogs me on the elbowe; I still delayed: come Sir (said my opponent) what will you do? I will hold you five pound on these very cards in my hand. I receiv'd the second jog: will you go my halfs, Sir, said I? He answered me, that he would. But alas, we lost: It could be no otherwise. This so animated the stranger, that he perswaded me to play again, and that he would go the moity of every stake. Sometimes 'twas so ordered that I won, but in fine, I lost forty pound, my Cully being half. He would now give over, being much perplex'd that he should thus lose his Masters money: but that he might forget the condition he was in, we drank round some half a dozen healths: So that now I thought it high time to provoke him again to let down his milk, by some new trick or stratagem.

Now did we fall to the Preaching of the Parson, a trick on the Cards, which hath deceived the most curious eye, and the wariest of men; with which we gained from our young Merchant, the major part of his Mony.

Lastly, to the intent we might without any further delays give him an acquittance for the rest of his Money, we drew out some other implements, viz. Dice fixt for our purpose, as High-fullums , which seldom run any other chance then four, five and six; Low-fullums, which run one, two, and three, &c.

By these means we sent him home penniless and heartless, whilst we drank Healths to the confusion of sorrow.

CHAP. XXXII.

 

From hence he goes, by the direction of his Comerades, to a new-fashion Bawdy-house; he describes it, and relates his own success.

Upon the division, we found each mans share to amount to 40 l. a piece. Being overjoy'd at our first good success, we resolv'd to return thanks for our good fortunes in some private Meeting-house, where we might have a Sister to assist in the carrying on the work of the day. The Devil in all Societies, never wants his Factor, or one to sollicite his business: For, I had no sooner intimated my desires, but presently one of my Rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpose, and that the like was not any where to be found. Being prickt on with the desire of novelty, and to understand the curiosities therein, I went according to my directions solely; for company in such designs commonly frustrates expectations. They advised me when I came to the door, to pretend I came to inquire out lodgings: At the first, I verily thought my self abused by these Rogues, or mistaken in the house, when I saw a Porter standing at the door with his tipt staffe: To undeceive my self, I confidently, yet civilly askt him, whether there were any lodgings to be let there? Yes, Sir, (said he) which you may view if you will give your self the trouble of walking in. I had no sooner entred the door, but I was met by a grave Matron, who readily understood (as I conceived) my approach, by her sentinels , 35 above in the windows. Madam, (said I) I am informed, that here are lodgings to be let: There is so, Sir, (said she) and with that, conducted me into her Parlor (which was gallantly furnished) there to take a stricter view of me, as to my person, but more especially my garb, by which she might partly judge how well lin'd my pockets were. After the resolution of some trivial questions, for discourse sake, she was so well satisfied in me, that she shew'd me the way up one pair of stairs, into a very large and fair dining-room, hung with rich Tapistry, and adorned round with excellent pictures, the effigies of divers Ladies (as I took them to be) renowned and celebrated in all ages, for the fairest and most beautiful of that sex. A servant brought us up, immediately after our entry into that room, a bottle of Sack, without any order given, as I could perceive; out of which the old Gentlewoman drank to me, expressing my welcome. For want of other discourse (as I thought) because we were both silent a while, for I was contemplating her face, in which I could then see still the goodly ruines of a beautiful and handsome countenance; Sir, said she, as you are a Gentleman, you may have some knowledge in that noble Art of Limning, since for its excellency it is in these our days (and hath been in most ages) much studied by the Gentry of this Nation; wherefore, your judgement, Sir, which of all these Pictures is the best drawn, or according to the rules of Physiognomy, hath the best features? Madam, said I, I shall freely give you my judgement; which is, This, in my opinion, (pointing at one) for she hath a full large front, her archt eye-brows are thick and black, without any stragling hairs, her eyes are of the same colour, and by their intuitive faculty, seem to penetrate that which they look on; passing her cheeks, which carry in them an excellent air, and her nose, which is neither too long nor too short, view her lips, whose plumpness and redness resemble a double Cherry; and then, for the dimples in her cheeks and chin, I could make them the subject of an whole dayes discourse: what might be said more of this representation, I shall wave, wishing my self no greater happiness, then to discourse the rest with the real substance: which is not impossible, Sir, if you can have but the faith to believe your own eyes; and so instantly thereupon withdrew her self, leaving me amazed at what I had already seen, my heart the mean while beating an alarm to my passions, to be all in readiness at the approach of this celestial creature. Hearing a rushing of silks, I drew my eyes off the Picture, and looking towards the door, there I saw enter an Angel; for I could not believe there could be so much perfection in any one mortal: with profound reverence I stood at a distance, admiring, or rather adoring her person, till she smillingly and familiarly desired me to sit down. Being come to my self, I could talk to her; and in half an hour, confidence had repossest her ancient seat in me. It will not only take up too much time, but also offend the ears of the modest Reader, here to insert what discourses we had; therefore I shall wave them, and come to the conclusion. Sir, said she, I question not but that you are acquainted with the customs of the House. I protested to her, I was altogether ignorant. Why, you know, that you may call for what wine you please, not exceeding four bottles; and if you please to eat, , 37 you shall have some choice bit sutable to the season, &c. if you stay not all night, your expence shall be but forty shillings, and you shall have to boot, the enjoyment of a Mistress besides; but if you stay all night, then thus must you do (and with that drew forth ten pieces of gold) whether you fancy me or any else, that matters not, you must deposit before you go to bed ten pound, laying it underneath your own head, and so must your bed-fellow do likewise; and for every time in that whole nights venereal combat you charge and discharge, you are to take twenty shillings from your own ten pieces; and if you are so lusty and valiant as to draw in this manner all your own stake, for every time so doing, you may freely take twenty shillings from hers, and for so great an exploit, next day be dismist with a great deal of applause, without expending a penny, but what you shall be pleased to distribute voluntarily among the servants. I was stark mad to be at it, and so impatient, presuming upon mine own abilities, that I presently told out ten pieces, challenging her to do the like, which with much willingness she accepted of; and so we went to bed together. To be as good as my promise, in not too far intrenching on modesty, I shall skip over the manner of passing away that night, and come to the issue. Telling my Money the next morning, I found I had eight pound of my ten, but for such hot service, I deserved to have had my Money trebled: however, for the present, I thought forty shillings was never better spent, nor husbanded with so much recreation and delight. By her I understood, what manner of cattel they were that frequented that house, though prostitutes and free-booters, yet such as scorn'd a piece of Country-dirt: some whereof, were persons of no mean quality, which came thither to satisfie (what was impossible to do) their insatiate lusts, and therefore enacted that law or custom of depositing ten pieces, meerly to incite such, who were confident in the strength of their backs, to perform as much or more then nature could allow of, for the lucre of gain; and to the intent that it might not be discovered, either by their Husbands, or such relations or friends that had received causes of jealousie, they had their peeping-holes, where they might plainly and fully see such who came upon the like accounts. If the Gentleman was unknown to that Gentlewoman whose picture he elected to bear him company that night, she with much freedom would appear, and tender her self as the subject of his pleasure; otherwise, abscond her self. If so, and the Gentleman press hard for a sight of her the picture represented, why then Madam Bawd findes some excuse or other, as that picture she bought casually at second-hand as she past through Long-lane, or that it was the gift of some friend of hers: with many other fictions, meerly to make him desist from the pursuance of his desires. Being very much pleased in the satisfaction of my fancy, I took my leave, not without some acknowledgment thereof, in these consequent lines.



What is a Bawdy-house? I fain would know:
It is a thing appears so by the show?
Is that a Brothel, or an house of State,
Where Tip-staff Porters do attend the gate? , 39
Then there are many noble ones I see,
And Palaces may Courts of Bawdry be;
This was a stately house, and yet was such
In stately houses Ladies take a touch.
It must be so, th' have little else to do,
Then study how to answer those that woo.
Such pamper'd flesh must yield, and few gain-says
Their own lusts motions, but with formal nays;
Rather than want that satisfaction, most
Stick not to purchase it, though at the cost
Of health and wealth, delighting thus in sence,
They never think too much the recompence.
Why should they then fond souls rail at an Whore,
Since they themselves are on that very score?
And damn all Brothels too to Hell; but stay,
What house is not a Brothel-house, I pray?
Many I've seen, with this none can compare;
A new Exchange, where Ladies sell their Ware
To none; they scorn thereon to set a price,
But leave it solely to the Chapman's choice:
No Sale-shop, but a Game at In and In;
Throw In and In but ten times, and you win.
Here by a female Council 'twas judg'd fit,
He that reaps pleasure here, must pay for it;
Not with his purse, so much as brawny back,
Solely affecting such who holds them tack:
And to provoke men on, no want of Wire;
Nay, all delights do here in one combine
To raise mens fancy, that he may do o're
That thing he did but even then before.
How could I do it, and enlarge my bliss,
But that I view'd her parts, as well as kiss?
Her rosie dimpled cheeks, vermilion lips,
Did blush to see her ivory thighs and hips:
I could forbear no longer, nor could wait
The tyde, but sail'd into the mouth i'th' streight.
Her round soft belly swell'd with pride below,
Like a small Hill 'twas overspread with snow:
Let a warm hand but touch it, and it will
Its moisture into pearly drops distill;
Which forc'd me boldly once again to venture;
I could not hold, attracted by Loves centre:
Then in her arms (would I might chuse that death)
She squeez'd me so, till I had lost my breath:
My routed strength I ralli'd quickly then;
Ready I was, and so did charge agen.
Thus did we do so long (for both were bent
To conquer) till at the last our shot was spent.
Retreating I did sigh, and she did sob;
She for her lusty Lad, I for my Mob.

CHAP. XXXIII.

 

He finds out his two Comerades (the Gamesters) and after some consultation had, they resolved to reassume their quondam trade of Padding; are taken and committed to Newgate.

From this house of pleasure, (where I must ingeniously confess I never received more for so little expence) I went in search of my two Gamesters, whom casually I met: The next Tavern was our Council-chamber, where Wine was the dictator. We there unanimously concluded, it was a thing beneath us to pick up here and there Crowns or Angels, but resolved on Have at all, knowing that a five hours adventure might make us possessors of 500l: With this resolution we went and bought us horses, with all things requisite for our intended expedition: being all ready and well prepared, we took our leaves of London for a while; we had not rid above fifteen miles, but we baited: the Hostler knowing me, and what designes I had formerly been upon, and imagining I was steering the same course, whispered me in the ear that he had a desire to speak with me instantly: taking my opportunity, under the pretence of looking to my horse, he informed me, that there were three within drinking, that on the next morning would travel such a Road, and that they had a great charge with them. I thankt him, bidding him come to my Chamber at night, where I would discourse farther with him. Then he gave me a summary account of all; and after a smart drinking-bout, with promises to him of reward if we prospered, we betook our selves to our rest: in the morning very early we called for our horses, and rid in that very Road through which those three Travellers were to pass, where we planted our selves very conveniently: about three hours after, we could discern them at a distance; by that time we had made our selves ready, they were at hand: just at the bottom of a small hill we bid them stand; they askt us to what intent: we told them, that we were younger Brothers, and wanted money, and therefore must borrow some of them. With that, they all in an instant drew their swords; being not unprovided with Pocket-pistols, we fired at them, and they again at us: we were all at level-coyl, and very equally matcht; the second shot killed my horse, and a fourth bereaved my Consort of life; the third Rogue ran away: being in a labyrinth of perplexity, I thought it the best way to sell my life at as dear a rate as I could (knowing very well, that if I were taken I should be hanged.) I fought with my sword as long as I could stand upon my legs, wounding both them and their horses; but at last one unhappily ran me throw the sword-hand, and thereupon I was disarmed. I was carried by them before the next Justice of Peace, whom they enquired out, and by a Mittimus was committed. I could not now expect any thing but death: but the next news I heard was, that I must be removed to Newgate, there being other things to be alleadged to my charge. I was mounted again, in order to my removal, but very ill hors'd, being bound thereunto and pinnion'd. My greatest grief (when I came into London-streets) was to hear the various descants of the good women on me; some saying, what a pity it is such an handsome young man should come to the gallows so soon? others judged, I had deserved it, otherwise I should not have rid to Town in that posture pinnion'd, and so attended with a guard. As soon as the Keeper saw me, leaping for joy, O Sir, are you come again? we will take care that you shall not be any more annoyed with smells proceeding from the Vault; and so without more ado, laid as much iron on me as there is in some Smiths shops, and confin'd me close Prisoner to the Dungeon:



Which made me curse those acts the Fates have done,
To cause a setting ere a rising Sun:
But since my doom is now decreed by Fate,
I must indur't, repentance is too late.

CHAP. XXXIV.

 

He much condemns the follies of his past actions, and in token of his unfeigned repentance, gives some general instructions to his Country-men, first how to know Padders on the Road, by infallible signs; with other remarques worthy the observation of any Traveller, laid down in some consequent Chapters.

Being in this terrestrial Hell, (where darkness, horror and despair surrounded me) my conscience started out of her dead sleep, and presently demanded of me a severe account of what I had done. My guilt was such, I had not a word to speak for my self, but wished my production (as my actions were) inhumane. What did not then the apprension of an approaching and unavoidable death, suggest to my thoughts! to have onely dyed (though with the most exquisite, terrifying, and soul-excruciating tortures) was not a thing the spirit of man should shrink at; but the consideration of an eternal punishment hereafter, justly inflicted on such who have offended an infinite God, absolutely distracted me. So that me thoughts, I already heard the howls and hollow grones of damned souls, which add to the weight of their everlasting misery. Having somewhat appeased my enraged conscience, by a faithful promise and constant resolution to lead a new life, if I should escape the danger of the Law, I determined with my self, to shew the first fruits of my reformation, by publishing something to the world, that might serve as a guide for Travellers, how they might pass in safety on their way. To that purpose I acquainted my Keeper with my good intentions; but that being no particular profit to him, he valued not the publick, and therefore rejected my good motion, till I greas'd his fist, and then I had the accommodation of a Candle, Pen, Ink, and Paper, &c. The uncertainty of their attire, various disguises, non-constant residence, and changeable names, makes me incapable to do what I would: Therefore I will do what I can (according to my small experience, occasioned by my no long continuance among them.) Riding on the Road (if you have company) it may be two or three shall overtake you, and seem to be much afraid of you: they will pretend to be even now set upon by half a dozen stout fellows, but that they did beat the Rogues, forcing them to fly for safety: and this fiction they use to seal with basket-hilt-oaths: thus by your answers they found you whether you dare fight; if not, they will wait an opportunity to act their roguery on you; which having done, as a reward for what unwillingly you have left them, they will pretend to give you a word shall protect you better than your sword, from any injury shall be done you upon the like account: but this is nothing else than a meer cheat, and no securing charm; for we valued not words, when our wants were in pursuit of Moneys. Not but that we used some formal words among our selves when ready to seize a prize; and observing other company, either before or behinde, to desist a while, by which we knew what we had to do, and the ignorant Travellers suspected no wrong.

CHAP. XXXV.

 

What is to be taken heed unto, before the Traveller begins his Journey.

Most respected Countrey-men, and more especially you who frequently pass the Road, the most part of my notorious wicked life having been consumed in all manner of cheats and debauchery, and that in part of late maintained by robbing: seeing now the wretchedness of that course of life, and being sensible of the injury I have done my Countrey, I looked upon my self as bound to satisfie the debt I owe to you, to the uttermost of my power, which reacheth to an act not more satisfactory, than good advice how to avoid those dangers which too many of late days have fallen into, since Dammee Plumes of Feathers came in fashion. First then, if you carry a charge about you, make it not known to any, and conceal the time of your departure in your own breast; For it is a custom no less common than indiscreet and foolish, among some sort of persons, to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their intended journey, and vain-gloriously make them acquainted with what considerable sums they shall carry with them; by which means the Son hath oftentimes betrayed the Father, and one friend another, by informing or complotting with some of the Padding society; the discoverer sharing (for giving notice of the prize) one quarter or more of the gain he betrays, when but for this foolish humour they had not been way-lay'd. Again, have a special care both of the Hostler, Chamberlain, and Host himself, the two first the thief is sure to bribe; and the last, in expectation of a share with them (as it is so ordered) or in hopes that the major part of what they get shall be profusely spent in his house, gives them items where the booty lies. Especially be sure on the road to associate with none but such as you finde inclined rather to leave your company than keep it; For they are very suspicious persons, and oftentimes prove dangerous, that press into your society, and are very inquisitive to know whither you intend, spinning out the time with many impertinent questions. But if you would know whether the strangers intentions be honestly inclined, take occasion to make some stay; observe you in the mean time their motion: for if they make an halt, or alight, so that you may overtake them, follow at a distance; but if their pace be so slow that you needs must overtake them, look about you, and provide for your safety, for there is no surer symptom of an Highway-man than such purposed delayes. The other usual marks of such Maths be these; they commonly throw a great leaguer-cloak over their shoulders, covering their face, or else they have visibly disguised their faces in some manner or other. Now of late they finde very useful a Vizard in every respect (but for the largeness) like the a-la-mode Vizard-masks so much worn by Gentlewomen, who endeavor to conceal the shame of their wanton actions by absconding their faces. If you meet with any who have none of these things, as soon as they come somewhat near you, fix your eye full in their face: if they turn their heads from you, keep your distance, and ride from them with what expedition you can: but being surprized by any you know, be very careful that you discover it not to them; for these Desperado's never think themselves secure, till they have prevented your giving intelligence, by cutting asunder the thread of your life. Observe whether their beards and hair of their head agree in a colour, and are not counterfeit: and be sure to beware of him that rides in a Mountier-cap, and of such as whisper oft; or of any one single person that intrudes into your company; for that is one way they have to ensnare the Traveller: he will tell you a great many merry and facetious stories, meerly to ingratiate himself with you; which having obtained, he shews himself more than ordinarily civil, and so fearful of any thing that may prejudice his new acquaintance, that he no sooner espies two riding toward them, but he apparently trembles, and will presently question his new friends, what charge they have about them: if little, the best way were to yield to these approaching persons, if thieves, rather than hazard a life; but if it be any thing considerable, he will presently vow to be true to them, and rather than they shall come to any damage or loss, he will fight with them as long as he hath breath. These so causlesly suspected, were perhaps downright honest fellows: but before they have travelled five miles further, 'tis ten to one but they overtake two or three more, one it may be riding aside with twists of Hay in stead of boots, it may be with a fork, bill, or goad in his hand, like a country-boor. It may be your newly-entertained treacherous friend will tell you that he will make good sport with this Countrey-Bumpkin, and so to that purpose ask him some foolish inpertinent question, which the other shall answer as ridiculously; so spinning out the time till a convenient place and a fit opportunity serve; then shall this pretended friend seize one of you himself, and my hedge-creeper turn Hector, and lay hold on another: and now will it be in vain for you to strive, for nothing but mony will ransom you out of their hands.

CHAP. XXXVI.

 

Instructions in what manner, at what time, and what Road is most safe to ride.

There are so many ways to rob the innocent, that it behoveth every man to be very circumspect, how, when, and where he rides. If you have a quantity of Money about you, choose rather to ride by night then day: for by this means you are freed from any Horseman or Cutter whatever. But this course cannot seal your protection from base sheep-stealing peny-Rogues, the baseness & lowness of whose spirits wil stoop for a noble, though they hang for their pains; therefore take heed of their long poles, and that they do not suddainly start out and lay hold on your bridle. As for the nobler sort of Rogues, this they believe as an undeniable Maxime, that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing. Besides, they are oblig'd to take their Inn betimes, lest through mistrust they should be apprehended: Moreover, they hardly dare adventure in the dark, because they cannot discern what dangerous defences the assailed have, as Pistols, or other private weapons in readiness, nor see their own advantages: and withal, it will be no difficult matter to convey in the obscurity of the night what they have undiscovered into some ditch. Chuse to travel in by-roads; for it is a general rule with Highwaymen, to keep their station on the greatest roads, that of the number which pass by, they may select such as they think will prove the richest booties. Here now as a Corollary, take notice of a foolish custom: some when they ride by any place that commonly speaks danger, they will bustle up together side by side; which is the usual overthrow of such. Wherefore take my counsel here, when ere you ride, in fear especially, ride far asunder, at least a stones throw: by so doing none durst set upon you, fearing lest this stragling order give some leave to escape undoubtedly, and so raise the Country in their pursuit.

, 51

CHAP. XXXVII.

 

How a Man is to behave himself if beset or surprised.

When the Rogue bids you stand, look not about as if amazed, or hoping for a rescue; for this doth but incourage them to the height of resolution and expedition: but looking sternly, as if fear were a stranger to you, making your brow the thorne of rage and fury, draw, and undauntedly tell them, that though you have but little, yet you would willingly sacrifice your life rather than lose a penny; and adde ten more to it (if you had them) then have your reputation stained with cowardise. This is the readiest and most certain way to save both your Money and credit; for they fighting with a guilty conscience within and without, against a Country, Law and Justice, if nobly a man resists (this I know experimentally) the stoutest, and most undaunted, and highest spirit of them all, will stoop to discouragement. Some I have known, that durst out-brave the roaring Cannon to the mouth, yet their courages have found an alteration, when on this account they have met with a bold and nobly resolved Antagonist: but if by your own negligence, and the malevolency of fortune, the pleasure of your journey is eclipsed and clouded by a sudden surprisal, and that you see no hopes but that you must yield, be not so unwise to strive when it is too late, but give them the best words you can, and rack your wits to please their ear, most devoutly wishing you had more moneys to supply their present occasions; and so banishing all dejectedness from your looks, deliver some, and so perhaps they will let you pass without further search. If they make a second offer, yield freely to it: then it may be they will sift you soundly; never in that time lay your hand near your Money; and seeming fearless, it will be a means to make their suspicion of a greater sum to vanish. This I have know my self, that when I have taken so much as pleased me well, by mens fear I have had grounds to think they had more, and so made me research; laying my hand but near the place where they had concealed the rest, suddenly would they cry out, that they were undone, when as yet I had found nothing; but by this their foolish and indiscreet carriage, I have found the remainder, which otherwise might have been secure and safe from me.

CHAP. XXXVII.

 

Directions, if robbed, how to follow the Thieves; which way to set Heu and Cry after them; how to coast, and where to find them.

If you are robbed, there is no help but to indeavour to surprize the Thieves by a strict pursuit: Therefore let no Remora or delay deter you from obtaing your wish, and so seize them that so lately seized you. In the first place, scowre the next Road, not streight before, but either on the right or left-hand; for they know Heu and Cries never cross the passages, but go streight along. If in so doing you miss them, then conclude they are sheltred in some Inn which you have past, and therefore you must set some careful spies, with a sufficient assistance near at hand, and be confident you will see them come that way, without the least apprehension of fear, or fear of apprehension. But this observe, that if they light on any considerable sum, then do they ride that night to their general rendezvous in London, which is too sure a shelter for them: but observably take notice, for here is as eminent an example of their subtilty, as any ever the Devil inrich'd their knowledge with; For, if you are robbed in the Eastern quarter, pursue them not in the direct Road to London with Hue and Cry, for by some other way they are fled; but haste to the City, and in Westminster, Holborn, the Strand and Govent-Garden, search speedily, for there they are. If Northward they light on you, then to Southwark, the Bank-side, or Lambeth they are gone; and when you find any one, seize all with him, for they are all companions that are together.

CHAP. XXXIX.

 

Cordial advice, and infallible instructions for the Inn-keeper, how to know Thieves from his honest Guests.

Methinks the many tragical examples of Inn-keepers, who have harboured and countenanced Thieves, were sufficient (I should think) to deter those that survive from doing the like; wherefore my advice to them in general is, that their chiefest care be, not to wink at any such life-destroying actions for hope of gain, lest that sweet be imbittered by future trouble and disgrace. That you may know them, observe these Rules: First, they are extraordinary curious about their horses; they will have them as strangely drest, as strangely fed, with Mashes, bread, flesh, and mingled provender, and that in an unusual quantity. If any wonder at the extraordinary feeding of their horses, they will indeavour to palliate their design therein, by telling that their tricks and good abilities deserve it: nay, sometimes they will boast, that their worthy services will soon repay the cost; using the like dark words to that effect, which are palpable grounds for suspicion. It is their custom likewise, to ask, Whose horse is that? or, What is the owner thereof standing by? of what function or quality? whither he intends to travel? how far, and when? Observe again, that their cloak-bags are for the most part empty, carrying them only but to make a shew. Next, the Chamberlain conducting , 55 them to their Chamber, he is presently dismist; but let him hearken, and if they are high-way men, 'tis ten to one but they fall to share what they have purchased that day; and he shall see every one taking his dividend, as well as hear the money, if he but narrowly pry into the Chamber. This they never defer, lest he which hath the purse should cheat the rest. But above all, for their discovery, make this trial; Cause one to knock hastily at the gate, giving him instructions in the mean time that attends on them, to observe their carriage then, and he shall see them start and stare in each others face with gastly looks, being struck with fear and amazement: Speak so that they may hear you, seemingly to some or other in the house, asking, what Officers those are? what is their business? or whom do they look for? or the like. If they seem much frighted, bid them fear not, for none shall search where they are, to offer them any injury, and that they are as safe with him, as in a well-fortified Castle. By this means you may pry into their private thoughts and actions so far, as that you may gather, not only substantial grounds for more than bare conjectures, but it may be they will confess something too, desiring your concealment and succour, and they shall think themselves for ever ingaged: after this you may use your own discretion. Then again, you may perceive by their loitering and disregard of time, what they expect; for they only bait but to observe what purchase they can see pass by; which when they have espied, they will pretend immediate business calls them to be gone, and so mount in great haste. Again, when they come to an Inn to lodge, they commonly come in divided, or in several companions, frustrating the Heu and Cry by their number: besides, if one part be surprized, the other may escape; and when the residue comes in, they seem as strangers one to the other, enquiring of mine Host what their Companions are, what Country-men, whether he knows them? and if they finde he hath either jealousie or suspicion of any of them, they will feign some business that necessitates their speedy departure: but if you take them for honest men, as they met by seeming chance in your Kitchin, so after some formal civil salutations, and drinking together, they soon become acquainted, and before they part, shew much familiarity. Thus as I was farther indeavouring to lay open their devices and deceits, to repair what wrong my Country had sustained by me, word was brought me, that I must immediately appear at the Bar, and there answer what should be objected against me; and it was but just that I should be now exposed to the Law of Justice, since I had so often rejected and slighted the Law of Mercy.

CHAP. XL.

 

He received sentence of Condemnation; he thereupon seriously contemplates death, and considers Eternity.

Appearing at the Sessions, and seeing so many of my Adversaries ready to give in their evidence against me, I concluded my self a lost man; my very countenance betrayeth both my thoughts of guilt and despair. In short, I received sentence of Death to be hanged at Tyburn by the neck till I was dead: I thought these sad tidings would have presently deprived me of my life, and so have saved the Hangman a labour. All the way I went back to Newgate, I fancied nothing but Gibbets stood in my way, and that I saw no other trades but Cord-winders. Being entred the prison, I was forthwith put into the Dungeon, laden with shackles: I had not been many hours there, before a charitable Physician of the soul, I mean a Minister, came to visit me, who advised me to repent, since it was high time, and endeavouring to disburden my conscience, by extracting from me a general ingenious confession of what enormous crimes I had committed. Finding this person to have no other design, but meerly for my souls sake, I dissected the actions of my whole life, not omitting any thing that might be accounted sinful. He was amazed to hear such notorious Roguery in one Man, and so young; wherefore, before he applied any cordial, he administred his corrosives, and so thorowly searcht every corner of my heart, that there was nothing hid from him. In the first place, he made me sensible of the wickedness of my life, and that every, nay, the least evil action, deserved the loss of eternal and inexpressible happiness, and instead thereof, torments everlasting and intolerable. It will take up too much time, to give an account of every thing this pious man alleadged for my information, contrition, and consolation: so effectually and powerfully he delivered his divine Message, that the obdurateness of my heart was able to hold out no longer, but melting into tears, was willing to have its flintiness broken by the hammer of Sacred Writ. Finding me in so good a temper, he left me to God and my self, for the perfecting of that work he had so hopefully & successfully begun. I began to consider what I was, only a statue of dust kneaded with tears, and mov'd by the hid engines of restless passions; a clod of earth, which the shortest Fever can burn to ashes, and the least showre of rheums wash away to nothing; and yet I made as great a noise in the world, as if both the Globes (those glorious Twins) had been unwombed from that formless Chaos, by the Midwifry of my wit: all my actions were attended with so much success, and so answerable to my desires, as if I had been one of heavens privy-Counsellors; which swelled me up with so much arrogance, that I spake thunder, lookt lightning, and breathed destruction; and by the eloquence of my own vanity, I perswaded my self, that the machinations of my brain were able to unhinge the Poles: but it is otherwise decreed, that the Ministers of Justice should put a period to my boundless pride, to make me know I am but man, and that mortal too. And having but a short time to live, I thought it very requisite to think of that which must shortly be the means to convey me either to bliss or woe; by so doing, I seized on death before it seized on me. It was the fittest subject I could busie my soul about; for what more heavenly, than the thought of immortality? and what so necessary, as the thought of death? Seneca saith, When he was a young man he studied to live well; when aged, how to die well: but I never practised Artem bene vivendi, and therefore am so ignorant in Arte bene moriendi; which makes me so fearful, that I know not how to be careful of not being found unprepared. Methinks I already hear that doleful saying, Ite imparati in paratum. My sole companions were now despair and fear, for the King of fear is death; and indeed there is nothing absolutely fearful, but what tends to death; and I am confident, the fear of death is worse than the pains of death: for, fear of death kills us often, whereas death it self can do it but once. Life would not be troubled with too much care, nor death with too much fear, because fears betray, and cares disorder those succours which reason would afford to both: and though some say, he is more sorrowful than is necessary, that is sorrowful before there is necessity; yet that soul cannot be in a good condition, so long as it fears to think of dying; but did I not sorrow now, and justly fear that messenger that must bring me before the Tribunal of the great God of Heaven, I should have too little time to wash away so many black spots, or implore my Saviour to do it for me with his blood, especially having nothing but objects of terror and amazement before my eyes; but I never needed have feared what I shall suffer when dead, if I had not deserved it whilst I lived. Life is not alike to all men: To such a wicked wretch as I am, the best had been, that I never had been, and the next best were to live long; in this condition, it was ill for me that I was born, worse for me that I must die: for without unfeigned repentance, this dying life will bring me to a living death; whereas a good man is otherwise minded, he counts his end the best of his being, for that brings him to the fruition of his hope: could death end misery, it should be the greatest happiness I would wish: but my conscience will not let me lye, for I fear the end of my present miseries will be but the beginning of worse; yea, such as death it self cannot terminate. Now came into my minde the consideration of Eternity; and with it, I remembred how it was represented by the Ancients, which very much helpt my present Contemplation; which was thus: A vast Den full of horror, round about which a Serpent windes it self, and in the winding bites it self by the tayl. At the right hand of this Den, stands a young man of a most beautiful and pleasant countenance, holding in his right hand a Bow and two Arrows, and in his left an Harp. In the entrance sits an old man opposite, and having his eyes very intent on his Table-book, writes according to the dictations of the young man standing by. At the left hand of this Den, sits a grave Matron gray-headed, and having her eyes alwayes busied. At the mouth hereof, are four stairs ascending by degrees; the first is of iron, the second of brass, the third of silver, and the last of gold: On these are little children sporting up and down, playing, fearless, and inapprehensive of falling. The sight of this Emblem of Eternity inculcated into my thoughts this interpretation: The Den, which was bottomless, signified to me the incomprehensibility of Eternity; the circumferating Serpent, Time; the young man, the great Creator, who never grows old, nor admits of in himself the least mutability or change, in whose hand is Heaven, Earth and Hell: on Earth and Hell are her arrows fastned; but in Heaven there is the Harp, fulness of joy, and pleasures inexpressible: The old man I lookt upon to be Fate; or (now to speak in a Christian dialect) the decrees of God from all eternity; the grave Matron, Providence; the Stairs, distinct Times and Ages; the Children running up and down the stairs without fear of danger, do signifie foolish Man and Woman, who regardless of their salvation, sport and play with it so long, till they slipt into Eternity. So have I been careless of that which should have been my greatest care, though I knew (but would not know) that the least and lightest touch of death were sufficient, in a moment, to translate me from Time to Eternity. Were we all to live a thousand years (whereas the Executioner is to put a period to my life in one day longer) we should before we had ran half our course, in our very non-age, apply our selves to repentance and newness of life. Now, now is the time, every hour, every moment: now one part of an hour (as I am informed, to my great comfort) may obtain pardon here, which all Eternity cannot hereafter. Therefore, let this now be my time (this one day I have left me) to cancel my debts and trepasses against Heaven, which I can never do in Hell-fire, in all the [illeg.] times to come hereafter. Let such who have liv'd (as I) in all manner of wickedness, consider what Eternity is, which may make them return like the penitent Prodigal. What then is Eternity? It is a Circle running back into it self, whose centre is every where, and circumference no where, that is to say, infinite: It is an Orb that hath neither beginning nor ending: Or, it is a Wheel,



Volvitur & volvetur in omne volubilis ævum.

A Wheel that turns, a Wheel that turned ever:
A Wheel that turns, and will leave turning never.

Eternity is like a year, continually wheeling about, which returns again to the same point from whence it began, and still wheels about again. It is an everrunning Fountain, whither the waters after many turnings flow back again, that they may alwayes flow It is a bottomless pit, whose revolutions are endless. It may be compared to a snake bowed back unto it self orbicularly, holding its tail in its mouth; which in its end doth again begin, and never ceaseth to begin. What is Eternity? It is a duration always present, it is one perpetual day, which is not divided into that which is past, and that which is to come: Or, it is an age of ages, never expiring, and never changing: Or, more properly, It is a beginning continuing, never ending, always beginning, in which the blessed alwayes begin a blessed life, in which the damned alwayes die, and after all death, and struggling therewith, always begin again to die. As Hell-torments are eternal, so will the conscience be perpetually tormented with deep and horrid despair for the life past: Their worm shall not die. The Poets of old alluded to this place notably, in that fiction or fable of Tytius, whom Virgil feigneth, that a flying Vulture every day gnaws and tears his Liver, which is every night again repaired and made up, that every day the Vulture may have more matter to prey upon. What is this Vulture, but the worm I speak of? and what is his Liver, but the conscience always gnawn and tormented? Not only this (as he that preacht my Funeral-Sermon told me) but all the torments of the damned shall never have end, because there can be no place for satisfaction: For, although these inexpressible torments shall continue many millions of years; yet shall there not one hour, no, not one minute of respite be granted: Let us then be no longer forgetful of our selves, and so degenerate into beasts. Lord, make me now seriously to consider our end, and what shall come after, without thine infinite mercy, unsufferable, unutterable, and eternal torments. All men are in the way of Eternity, but I am now almost at my journeys end: I sit on the stairs of Eternity, expecting when one small thrust shall plunge me into the bottomless pit, where one hours punishment shall be more grievous (as Thomas a Kempis saith) then 100 years here in the bitterest of torments: There they are tortured for infinite millions of ages, and are so far from finding an end, as never to be able to hope for any end. The consideration of these things brought me to that pass, as I was content to suffer any thing in this life, so that I might not suffer in the life to come. Though a King, I should willingly and patiently have endured what Andronicus did. Emperour of the East; who (as History relates) being overcome and taken prisoner by Isaac Angelo, had immediately two great chains of iron put about his neck; and being laden with fetters, was brought before Isaac, who delivered him over to the rage of the multitude, to be abused at their pleasure. This rabble being incenst and stimulated on by revenge, some buffeted him, some bastinado'd him, others pulled him by the beard, twitching the hair from his head, dashing out his teeth, dragging him in publick through the streets: the insolence of women was such, as to fall upon him, leaving the marks of their nails in his Imperial face. After all this, they cut off his right hand: thus maimed and bruised, he was thrown into the Dungeon of Thieves and Robbers, without either attendance, or the least thing necessary to sustain life: Some few dayes being past, they put out one of his eyes: thus mangled, they put upon him an old rotten short coat, shav'd his head, set him upon a scabbed Camel, with his face towards the tail, put on his head a crown of Garlick, made him hold in his hand the Camels tail instead of a Scepter, and so they carried him through the market-place very leisurely, with great pomp and triumph. Here did the most impudent crew, and base among the people, like Tygers, after an inhumane manner fall upon him, not considering in the least, that not three dayes before he was no less than an Emperor, crowned with a royal Diadem, whose frowns were inevitable death, was honoured, yea, adored of all men. Their rage and madness fitted every one with instruments to execute their revenge: Some struck him on the head with sticks, others fill'd his nostrils with dirt, others squeezed spunges upon his face soaked in humane and beastial excrements: some threw stones, others dirt at him. An impudent woman as he past, came running out with scalding water in her hand, and poured it on his head. All these indignities which they exercised upon this poor Emperor, did not satisfie their insatiate revenge, but bringing him to the Theatre, took him down from the Camel, and hung him up by the heels: yet did he behave himself like a man, by bearing patiently what was inflicted upon him, being never heard to cry out against the cruelty of his fate. All that he was heard to say, was this, which he often repeated, Domine miserere, Domine miserere. Thus hanging up, one would have thought their malice should have ceased; but they spared him not as long as he lived; for pulling his Coat from his body, they tore him with their nails. One more cruel than the rest, ran his Sword through his bowels as he was hanging: Two others, to try whose Sword was sharpest, cut him and gasht him in several places; and so ended his life miserably, but was not suffered to be buried. Oh, that my condition were as Andronicus, to suffer all that man can lay upon me, that I might not perish for ever: I would be content to be miserable for so short a time, that I may not be miserable to all eternity. Questionless he could never have suffered such things so constantly and couragiously, but that he had eternity in his thoughts; and were our minds imployed about the same subject, any adversity or affliction we should more easily bear. From the time of my condemnation till Munday morning I slept not, neither did I eat and drink: then did I hear my passing-bell (having heard the day before my Funeral-Sermon) every stroke methought carried my soul one degree higher, being confident I had made my peace above. Whilst I was in the depth of Meditation, and my soul breathing out this short ejaculation,



Hear O great God of my relief,
   Help I implore from thee;
Thou once hadst mercy on a Thief,
   Have mercy now on me.

Behold, a friend came to me (that never visited me during my imprisonment) but now in the time of need brought me a Reprieve: when I lookt thereon at first, I could not believe my own eyes; I thought I dreamt, or that grief had so distracted me, as that I imagined things that are not. My friend at length cleer'd up my doubts; but I shall tell you this for a truth, I knew not whether I were best accept of this life-preserving courtesie: For, methought I had so well settled my eternal concerns, as that I had nothing else to do, but die. But I had so many sollicitations from the flesh, that I could not but yield to live a little longer, returning hearty thanks to my Creator, and to my friend under God, my lifes preserver.

About a fortnight after, I was sent on board, in order to my transportation; my sentence of Death being converted into a seven years Banishment.

, 67

CHAP. XLI.

 

Being on board, he descants on his ensuing misery; yet draws comfort to himself from the sufferings of others. He relateth how he was freed from his intended banishment by a double Shipwrack; the manner thereof he amply declareth.

The Ship that was to transport me lay at Wollidge: about the latter end of August 1650. I was conveyed aboard a lusty Ship, a Virginia-Merchantman, and was instantly clapt under hatches; but I knew they would quickly call me aloft, if there was any fighting work; as such a thing might easily be, since the Sea was no where free, from such as would make a prize of what Vessels were too weak to contend with them. Having pen, ink, and paper about me, I busied my thoughts and pen in contriving consolation for my disquieted and consolate minde, thus:



Why should not I with patience suffer? some
Have kist what brought them to their Martyrdom.
The King of Kings once suffer'd on a Cross;
And our good King indur'd three Kingdoms loss.
Shall I (fool) then at any cross take grief?
A Cross was once a sinners best relief.
But must I now to Sea? well, 'tis no matter;
Fortune now frowns, though heretofore did flatter.
Let not my soul despond, since 'tis my hap,
I'll scorn that Whore, and trust to Thetis lap:
Though she may foam with anger, and the winde
May aggravate her passion, I may finde
Her calm again, and set me on that shore,
Where I may Moar, and put to Sea no more.
Neptune may shake his Trident, and each wave,
Or tumbling billow, may become my grave.
A thundring Cannon may pronounce my death,
Or a small shot bereave me of my breath:
All which may throng together in full crowds,
To make m'a winding-sheet of tatter'd shrowds.
The windes shall sing my requiem, and my knell
Shall be a peal of Ordnance, that shall tell
My angry fates I'm dead; and the Sea must
Intomb without the form of dust to dust.
But I hope better things, and do believe,
My good events will make the furies grieve.

About the beginning of September following, we set sail for the Downs. As soon as we had weighed Anchor, a thick melancholy cloud encompassed my thoughts, and so much sadness seized my spirits, as if I had been not so much taking my leave of my dearly beloved Country, as leaving the world. Though my soul could not foresee the least danger, nor be troubled at the apprehension of what slavery I was to undergo in my exilement; yet certainly I found this strange anguish and propassion to be ominous, proceeding from something divine, which is able to unriddle the Apocrypha of nature, and made my soul sensible of some approaching mischief. Having been about five dayes at Sea, one morning, just as the Sun began to gild our Hemisphere with his Golden rays, the Boat-swain made us all turn out, & commanded all , 69 hands upon deck: coming aloft, I could not see aman in whose face there was not written the pale characters of fear & amazement; which were the infallible marks of some sudden and ensuing danger. Upon my first coming on board, I could discern a great many red-nos'd fellows (a drunkards truest indicium) but the apprehension of present danger had now extinguisht all those flaming torches of their faces, without the help of water: The faces indeed of the stoutest amongst us, were so altered by this affrightment, that we knew not almost one another; losing our natural complexions, through the extremity of passion. One was at his prayers, that never till then knew what a prayer was; another shedding of briny tears, to make room for more salt waters: for my own part, I found my self not much moved, having lately made my self acquainted with death. By this time I understood what had past; that is, our Ship had sprung a leak, and was ready to sink. Seeing every man in that posture, and that there required means, as well as prayers for our preservation; Come (said I, Gentlemen) let us not thus cry out, and never lend our assisting hand; let us to the pump, and let every one be imployed in this grand concern. Whereupon we all unanimously fell to work: but as it is usual in such extreams, we were all busie about doing of nothing; what we began we left imperfect, and fell to another, and so perfected nothing to our safety. Some were sent down into the Hold, who quickly returned to us with the symptoms of death in their countenances; for they all with hesitations and quivering of tongue, with words abruptly or half-spoken, signified to us, that our Ships wound was incurable, that the leak could not be stopt, but that we must inevitably perish within some minutes. These words I received as from a Deaths-head, which I never heard speak before; and truly his very looks would have sufficiently declared what message he was about to deliver, viz. ruine and immediate destruction. Our inexpressible fears bereav'd us of the power of counselling one another; neither did we know what was best to be done. Our Master commanded our Long-boat to be cast out, and withal, ordered some eight Guns to be fir'd, which methought resembled so many tolls of my Passing-bell, when I was designed to pass by St. Sepulchres Church in a Cart, guarded by fellows whose visages were the true resemblance of the Saracens-head on Snow-bill, for terror, horror, and merciless proceeding; as to all which, these Canibals will outvie that inhumane and bloody Nation. Every man indeavoured to shift for himself, and I among the rest (being loath to be drowned alone) leapt short of the boat, and fell into the Sea in Charontis Cymba; but necessity then forcing me to use treble diligence to recover my self, with much difficulty I got into the boat: I was no sooner there, but another leapt down upon me, and had like to have beaten the rest of my breath out of my body: which I took kindly enough; for I would have been content to have born them all on my back, nay, boat and all, so that I might have escaped with life. We were constrained to leave many of our friends behind us, and committed our selves to the Sea, driving us we knew not whether. Now were all our hopes dashed, as well as our selves, by the waves; for we were almost in despair of humane help: for we were left in the wide Ocean, which did not at , 71 that time wear a smooth brow, but contending with the wind, swell'd into prodigious mountains, which every moment threatned our overwhelming. How could we expect safety in an open Shaloup, when so stately a Castle of wood, which we but now lost, could not defend it self, nor preserve us from the insolency of the imperious waves? We were many leagues from any shore, having neither Compass to guide us, nor provision to sustain us, being as well starv'd with cold as hunger. Several bags of Money we had with us; but what good could that do us, where there is no exchange? We could neither eat nor drink it; neither would it keep us warm, nor purchase our deliverance. Therefore we may justly esteem of Money in its own nature, as an impotent creature, a very cripple, inutile pondus, an useless burden. I could not now imagine any thing could preserve us, less than a miracle; and as we were all sinful creatures, especially my self, we could not expect that nature should go out of her ordinary way to save us. The waves indeed carried us up to Heaven,



Jam jam tacturos sidera summa putes.

yet we could not hope or believe, that our omnipotent Creator should put his hand out of the clouds, and take us poor miserable Caitiffs unto him from the top of a surging billow. Neptune sure at this time was very gamesome, for he play'd at Tennis with us poor mortals, making a wave his Racket to bandie us up and down like Balls: Sometimes we seem'd so proud and lofty , being raised so high, as if we had been about to scale Heaven; which the incensed Deity perceiving, seemed again to throw us down headlong to Hell, for too much ambition and presumption: yet I could not see, but that the extremity of our condition pleaded for us, crying aloud for Gods pity and compassion. I now was silent, committing my self into the hands of Providence; yet verily believing, that the inversion of the old Proverb appertained to me, that being not born to be hang'd, I should be drown'd. But surely my creditor seeing me silently submit, and conforming my self to his will, pitied my condition. Commonly we are not so much mov'd with a clamorous and importunate beggar, who hunts after our Alms with open mouth, and makes Heu and Cry after our Charity (as if we had robbed him who begs of us) as with the silence of impotent and diseased Lazaro's: their sores speak loudest to our affections: Quot vulnera, tot ora; each wound is as a gaping mouth strenuously imploring mercy; the sight whereof, cannot but melt the most obdurate spectactor into a charitable compassion. This was our case, our misery was louder than our prayers, and our deplorable condition, certainly was more prevalent with Almighty God, than our imperfect devotions. In this moment of death, when we were without the least expectation of any deliverance, the winde chopt about, and drove back one Ship that had over-run us: this was unquestionably Digitus Dei, the immediate finger of God. This Ship made towards us, and we what in us lay, towards it: The winde blew hard, and the insulting Sea, that will not admit of pity, rose high upon us; so that we were forced to lave the water out of the boat with our hats. It was my chance to sit on the weather-side; fain would I have exchanged my place, but such complements are useless in a storm; so that I was constrained to endure patiently the indignation of my raging enemy. But now began another despair; for, with all our endeavours we could not reach the Ship, nor she us, although she hung on the Lee to retard her course. Thus our pregnant hopes brought forth nothing but winde and water (for the Ship rode on furiously before the winde, and we came after in pursuit of her, as slowly as if an hedge-hog had been running with a Race-horse;) so that we which before flattered our selves with an assurance of safety, were as much confounded with a certainty of perishing. In my opinion, it is better to have no hopes at all, than be disappointed in them: doubtless it did redouble the punishment of Tantalus, to touch what he could not taste. That Mariner, who seeing a fatal necessity for it, is contented to die in a tempest, would be exceedingly troubled to perish in a Haven, In Portu perire. In this very condition were we, having a Ship near us, but could not board her for stress of weather; so that ruine attended us, though all the while we lookt safety in the face. Now did it grow dark, whereby we could not see which way to row: though this was an evil in its own nature, yet accidentally it became our benefit: for not seeing our danger, we understood it not; but redoubling our strength, we brake through the waves, and by the assistance of a light, which was in the Ship, we directed our course truly; and now did we find we were very neer her. As soon as we toucht her on the Lee-side, the Sea-men, with the rest in the boat, being more dexterous in the art of climbing than my self, never regarding their exil'd Prisoner, whom they ought to have taken charge of) got all up into the Ship in a moment, leaving me alone in the boat. By good hap they threw me out a Rope, which once had like to have deprived me of my life, but was now the preserver; which I held fast, to keep the boat from staving off. Our boat was half full of water, and the waves dasht it so violently against the Ship-side, that every such stroke struck me down, so that I had like to have been drowned (and did much fear it) in that epitome of the Sea. It would have vexed a man in my condition, to escape by swimming over a large River, and coming ashore, to be drowned in a wash-bowl. At last with much difficulty I got aboard too. The Master, Merchants, &c. having sav'd their lives (even miraculously) one would have thought they should not have been so pensive as they were for the loss of their goods. Those which lost much, took it very heavily; those which lost less, their affliction was greater, having lost all: I was the most glad, joy riding in triumph in my chearful countenance, having lost nothing, neither could I any thing, but my life. Having escapt so miraculously, it was unchristian-like to murmur at any loss; and as ridiculous, as if Lazarus being restored to life, should complain that his winding-sheet had sustained some damage by lying four days in the grave, and condemn his friends for fools, in unadvisedly spending the ointments and spices at his Funeral. The Ship wherein we were, was bound for the Canaries, the winde blowing very fair for that coast. The second night after our deliverance, about ten a clock, having set our Watch, we laid our selves down to rest, with the thoughts of much safety and security, but it was otherwise decreed; for about one a clock we were forced to use all hands aloft, a most terrible storm beginning to arise, and the wind blew so furiously, that before morning we lost our Bow-sprit and Mizon: we durst not bear the least sayl, but let the Ship drive whither the winde and waves pleased; and before the next night, we could not indure our remaining Masts standing, but were necessitated to cut them by the board. Thus we were tumbled up and down for four dayes, and as many nights, contending with the waves in a Pitcht-battel, not knowing where we were, till our Ship struck so violently against a Rock, that the horrid noise thereof would have even made a dead man startle; to which, add the hideous cries of the Sea-men, bearing a part with the whistling windes and roaring Sea; all which together, seemed to me to be the truest Representation of the Day of Judgement. The Ship stuck fast so long between two Rocks, as that we had time enough, all of us, to leap out; the only means left us for our safety. We all got upon a Rock, and the Morning-star having drawn the Curtain of the night, we found that we were a very little distance from the shore; getting thereon, and ranging to and fro, we at last espied a small house, the sight whereof made us direct our foot-steps thither, steering our course solely by the compass of our eyes: being come to the house, the Master thereof stood at the door; we addrest our selves to him in English, but his replications were in Spanish, which we understood not: wherefore I spake to him in Latine, in which language he answered me, Tam compte, tam prompte, both quaintly and readily. In that tongue I made a shift to tell him the sad Illiades of our misfortunes. This noble Spaniard understood it better by our looks, than my relations; which made such a deep impression in his soul, that his gravity could not forbear the shedding of some few tears, so that one would have thought he suffered Shipwrack as well as we. He desired us to come into his house, and refresh our selves: what little meat he had, stew'd in a horse-load of herbs, with some pottage onely seasoned by a piece of Bacon, that had serv'd for that purpose at least a dozen times, he ordered to be set before us; being no wayes sparing of his wine, better than any I ever yet could taste in Taverns; this good man being not acquainted with dashings, dulcifyings, &c. Seeing us eat so heartily, he caused another dish to be provided, which was composed of such variety of creatures, that I thought he had served us in as a Mess, the first Chapter of Genesis: This Olla-podridra was so cookt, that the distinction of each creature was sauc'd out of our knowledge. Having satisfied our hungry stomachs he dismist all, excepting my self, desiring me to accept of what kindness he could do me, for he confest he took much pleasure in my society and discourse. I was very well contented to entertain his proffer: in some few dayes he told me he was to go to Sea, being Captain of a Vessel that lay in Perimbana, a small Sea-faring Town near the place of our Shipwrack; and asking me whether I would go with him to the Indies (whither he was bound,) I readily consented, and in some few dayes after we did sail from thence, to perfect our intended Voyage.

CHAP. XLI.

 

From Perimbana, a small maritine Town on the Spanish coast, he sets sail with Captain Ferdinando Velasquez bound to the East-Indies; but by the way meets with three Turkish Galleys, and by them is taken, miserably abused and imprisoned.

An hour before day we left the Port, and sailed along the coast before the winde; about noon we discerned three vessels, whereupon we gave them chase: in less than two hours we got up to them, and then we could easily perceive that they were Turkish Galleys; whereof we were no sooner assured, but we betook our selves to flight, making to Land with all speed possible, to avoid the danger that inevitably threatned us. The Turks understanding our design, presently hoisted up all their sails, and having the wind favourable, bore up to us so close, and getting within a small Faulcon-shot of us, they discharged their Ordnance on us, wherewith they killed eight of our men, and wounded as many more; and so battered our Ship beside, that we were forc'd to throw a great quantity of our lading over-board. The Turks in the mean while lost no time, but grappled us; we on the other side, who were able to fight, knowing that on our valour and undaunted courage depended our lives, or loss of liberty, with perpetual slavery, resolved to fight it out. With this determination we boarded their Admiral, doing very eminent execution; but being over-powered with numbers, we were so overprest and wearied, that we desisted from making any further resistance: For, of 35 men we had at first, we only had remaining ten, whereof two died the next day, whom the Turks caused to be cut in pieces or quarters, which they hung at the end of their Main-yard for a sign of Victory. Being taken, we were carried by them to a Town called Mocaa, and received by the Governour and Inhabitants, who expected and waited the coming of these Pirates. In the company was likewise one of the chiefest Sacerdotal dignity; and because he had been a little before in Pilgrimage at the Temple of their Prophet Mahomet in Meca, he was honoured and esteemed by all the people as a very holy man. This Mahometan Impostor rid in a triumphant Charriot up and down the Town, covered all over with silk Tapistry, and with a deal of ceremonious fopperies bestowed on the people his benediction as he passed along, exhorting them to return hearty thanks to their great Prophet for this Victory obtained over us. The Inhabitants hearing that we were Christians taken Captives, flockt about us; and being exceedingly transported with choler, fell to beating of us in that cruel manner, that I thought it a vain thing to hope to escape alive out of their hands; and all this, because we owned the names of Christians. When I was in England, I justly was sentenced to die for my villany, and now here only for the bare profession of Christianity, I must not be suffered to live. This wicked Cæcis (as they called him) instigated them on to those outrages they committed; who made them believe, that the worse they dealt with us, the more favour and mercy they should receive from Mahomet hereafter. We were chained all together, and in that manner were we led in triumph; and as we past along, we had our heads washt with womens Rose-water, thrown down upon us from Balconies, with other filth, in derision and contempt of the name of Christian; wherein every one strived to be most forward, being instigated thereunto by their Priest. My sufferings then, put me in mind of my former wishes, to be as unfortunate Andronicus, miserably afflicted here, that I might escape eternal torments hereafter: I received in part the effect of my quondam wishes, no ways acceptable to my present desires. Having tyred themselves in tormenting us till the evening, bound as we were, they clapt us into the Dungeon, where we remained 21 dayes exposed to all kind of misery, having no other provision allowed us then a little Oat-meal or Rice and water, which was distributed to us every morning, what should serve us for that whole day: for variety sake, we had sometimes a small quantity of Pease soak'd in water.

CHAP. XLII.

 

He is brought forth into the Market-place, and there put to sale; he is bought by a Jew (a miserable avaricious man) and by a stratagem be delivers himself from that Master, is sold to a Græcian, in heart a Christian: the Ship being taken, and his Master drowned, he escaping to shore by swimming, is at his own liberty.

In the morning the Goaler repairing to us, found two of our miserable companions dead, by reason of their wounds, which were many, and not lookt unto. This made him haste to the Guazil or Judge, to acquaint him of what had happened; who upon information given, came to the prison in person, attended with Officers and other people: where having caused their irons to be struck off, he ordered their bodies to be dragged thorow the Town, and so cast in the Sea. We that remained were chained all together, and so led out of prison unto the common place of sale, to be sold to him that should give most. By reason of my strength (which those that lookt on me might argue, from the streightness and firmness of my limbs, being elevated by the Pole above a common or middle stature) I was first bought by one, whom at the first sight, I could not well tell whether he was Man or Devil; for his complexion was of the same colour as the Devil is usually rendred: to say all in short, he was a Jew. He carried me home to his house, where I no sooner arrived, but he markt me for his own: My employment constant was to turn a hand-mill; if I rested at any time, though even so little, the punishment he inflicted on me was, three or four blows on either the belly or soals of my feet; which were doubled or trebled according as he judged of my offence: my diet was such as only served to keep me alive. In general, he used me so cruelly, that becoming desperate, I once thought it better resolutely to cut the thread of my life, than spin it out longer in so much wretchedness and misery. Revenge too induc'd me to the undertaking of this attempt, as knowing him to be the most covetous wretch living, and therefore would even hang himself when he should lose what he payed for me: but reconsidering my self, I made choice of a better expedient, which was to pretend (what I intended not) to kill my self. I made choice of such a time, when I was sure some one or other was set to watch me; who perceiving that I was about to destroy my self, rusht in and prevented me, and went forthwith to inform my Master of what he had seen; advising him withall, to sell me out of hand, otherwise he would infallibly be a loser by my. My Master taking notice of my countenance and behaviour, resolved to put his friends counsel in practise, and so sold me to another, who fortunately proved a Greek, that in shew was a Mahometan, but cordially a Christian. Once more was I delivered from miseries that are hardly to be endured, and was imbarqued with my new Master in a Ship bound for the East-Indies. In the course that we held, we sailed with so prosperous a gale, that in a very short time we arrived in view of the Fort of Diu; but seeing several vessels lying before that Fort, firing against it in an hostle manner, we shaped our course to Goa, where we arrived in safety. From hence we sayled unto the River Lugor: just as we were entring its Mouth, we saw a great Junk coming upon us, which perceiving us to be few in number, and our Vessel but small, fell close with our Prow on the Larboard-side, and then those that were in her, threw in to us great Cramp-irons fastned unto two long chains, wherewith they grappled us fast unto them; which they had no sooner done, but incontinently some seventy or eighty Mahometans started out from under the Hatches, that till then had lain lurking there; and pouring out their small-shot upon us, clapt us aboard in an instant. Those that knew what it was to be a slave to the merciless Turks, leapt into the Sea, whereof I was one: we were not far from land, so that it was not long before I got safe to shore; it was my Masters misfortune (and truly I think my unhappiness, for he behaved himself to me as to one of his familiar friends) being wounded, and ignorant in swimming, to be entomb'd in the deep. There were some five or six more that escapt the danger of their enemies and the Sea, that wading up to the Waste in mud, landed in safety; with these I hid my self in the next adjacent Wood. There was hardly one of us but received some hurt; and being now divested of all hope of help, we could not forbear to unman our selves by weeping, complaining against our hard destiny, that should in so short a time bring us into so sad a disaster. In this desolation we spent the remaining tragical part of the day; but considering with our selves, that the place was moorish, and full of venemous creatures, we betook our selves to the Owze, standing therein up to the middle. The next , 83 morning, by break of day, we went along by the River-side, until we came to a little Channel, which we durst not pass (not knowing its depth) for fear of Lizards, plenty whereof we had sight of therein: we wandred so long to avoid this and the Bogs covered with rushes, which environed us about, till that we were forced to rest our selves, being so weary and so hungry, that we could not go one step farther. In the morning awaking, four of our company lay dead, so that there was onely one remaining to bear me company: I now thought my condition worse than if I had hung at Tyburn, surrounded with a full Jury of fellow-sufferers: my companion and I, with tears, sang the obsequies of our dead friends, expecting hourly our own dissolution: Their bodies we covered with a little earth, as well as we could; for we were then so feeble, that we could hardly stir, nay, nor speak. In this place we rested our selves, intending to bear our friends company to their eternal rest. Some four hours after this our resolution, about Sun-set, we espied a Barque rowing up the River: coming near us, we hailed her, and prostrating our selves on the ground, beseeched those that were in her to receive us on board. Amazed to see us in that posture, on our bended knees, and hands lifted up to Heaven, they stopt: Our cries for succor reacht their eares, which obtained commiseration from their hearts; so taking us in, they carried us with them to Lugor, where about Noon next day we landed. The people are fearful black like the Devil, whom they superstitiously worship, in the form of a bloody Dragon: They have many Idols amongst them which they hold in great esteem, as a Ram-goat, a Bat, an Owl, a Snake, or Dog, to whom they ceremoniously bow or kneel, groveling upon the earth, and throwing dust on their faces; they offer Rice, Roots, Herbs, and the like, which is devoured by the Witches, these devillish creatures being both feared and esteemed by the Savages. The female sex, against the appearing of the New-moon, assemble upon a Mountain, where turning up their bare bums, they contemptuously defie the Queen of Heaven, who hath this despight shewn her, because they suppose her the causer of their monthly-courses. They are much given to novelties, amongst which dogs are of very great value with them: Insomuch, that whilst I was there, I saw six slaves exchanged for one Europæan Cur. They abound with the choicest of natures blessings, as health, strength, and wealth, but are very inhumane and uncivil; for they delight much to feed on mans flesh, eating it with more satisfaction than any other food. Upon my first arrival, I did not rightly understand their meaning by feeling my flesh, but when I was informed, that like Butchers, they felt my flank to know how fat I was, they never toucht me afterwards with their fingers, but I fancied my self either boiled or roasted, and that their hands, my bearers, were conveying me to the open Sepulchres of their mouths, to be entombed in the gut-rumbling Monument of their bellies: whereas other Anthropophagi content their appetites with the flesh of their enemies, these covet most their friends, whom they imbowel with much greediness, saying, they can no way better express a true affection, than to incorporate their dearest friends and relations into themselves, as in love before, now in body, uniting two in one (in my , 85 opinion) a bloody sophistry. It is a very truth, of which I was an eye-witness, they have Shambles of men and womens flesh, joynted and cut into several pieces fit for dressing. It is usual for some, either weary of life, or so sick they have no hopes of recovery, to proffer themselves to these inhumane Butchers, who returning them thanks, dissect or cut them out into small parcels, and so are sodden and eaten. It is a custom among them, when they would add to their beauties (deformity) to slash their faces in several places. They adore those two glorious Planets, the Sun and Moon, believing they live in Matrimony. They are much addicted to rapine and theevery, and they chuse to commit any villany rather by day than night, because they suppose thereby the Moon and Stars will never give testimony against them. Their heads are long, and their hair curled, seeming rather wool than hair: Their ears are very long, being extended by ponderous bawbles they hang there, stretching the holes to a great capacity. Both men and women hideously slash their flesh in sundry forms; their brows, noses, cheeks, arms, breasts, back, belly, thighs and legs, are pinkt, and cut in more admirable (than amiable) manner. They contemn apparel, and indeed, the heat of the Climate will not permit them to wear any; very few have nothing on to cover their secrets. Most have but one stone, the other is forced away in their infancy, that Venus may not too much allure them from Martial exploits: wherefore the women take great delight in strangers. One of them so strongly besieged my modesty, that more for fear than love, I yielded to her incontinency: I was displeased at nothing but the sight of her; for her flesh, no Velvet could be softer. There are in this place great quantity of Lions, which in dark weather use great subtilty to catch and eat some Savages: They again in the day-time dig pits, and covering them with boughs, do train the couragious Lions thither, where they receive destruction, eating them to day, who perhaps were Sepulchres to their friends or parents the day before. I have seen these well-bred people descend in a morning from the Mountains, adorned with the raw guts of Lions or other wilde beasts, serving for an hour or two for chains or neck-laces, and afterwards for their breakfast; of which good chear, if I would not participate, I might fast for them: so that my squeamish stomack was forc'd to give entertainment to that unwelcome guest, to keep starving out of doors. The Ship that brought us hither, was now ready to set sail, being bound for Goa, the Master whereof was a Portugal, who understood Latine and French very well, of which I was not ignorant: I addrest my self to him in the French tongue, desiring him to accept of mine and my Comerades service; which he condescended to with much willingness. At Goa we stayed not long, but from thence passing towards Surrat, a vehement and unexpected storm overtook us, for three dayes raging incessantly, so that those which were acquainted with those parts, very much feared an Her-cane, a tempest commonly of thirty dayes continuance, and of such fury, that Ships, Trees, and Houses perish unavoidably in it: once in nine years, it seems, it fails not to visit them. It chanc'd, that my Comerade being heedless and unexperienc'd in Sea-affairs, was washt off by a wave into the Sea, and so was buried in the large and , 87 deep grave of the vast Ocean; a sure treasury for the resurrection. The foulness of the weather forc'd a Junk-man of War, full of desperate Malabars, a bloody and warlike people, in view of us; but the Seas were too lofty for them to board us. After three watches the Sea changed colour, and was calmer; and by the swimming of many snakes about our Vessel, the Sea-men knew we were not far from shore, landing shortly after safely at Surrat.

CHAP. XLII.

 

From hence he set sail to Swalley-Road, and so from thence coasted till he arrived at Delyn, a Town that belongs to the Malabars: he gives an account of what he there saw and observed.

Some two hours after we set sail, we were becalmed, having not the least breeze of winde, the weather withall being exceeding hot and sultry: at length we arrived in Swalley-Road, where was riding an English Vessel; there we cast anchor, the English men came aboard of us, whom our Captain welcomed with the best of his entertainment. I could not forbear imbracing my dear Country-men, shewing them so many demonstrations of joy, that by their looks, they seemed to question whether I was in my right wits. Their Masters-mate calling me aside, askt me, how I came to be ingaged in this Vessel? how long since I came from England? with many other questions too tedious here to relate. To all which I gave him such satisfactory answers, that he seemed very well pleased. I gave him a summary relation of what I had suffer'd, since my departure from my own Country; the report whereof, seemed to extract much pity from him. In fine, I told him, I had a great desire to see England again, and to that end desired him to make use of what interest he could, to remove me into their Ship: he promised he would; and accordingly giving a Present to our Captain, he so far prevailed upon him to let me go, and perswaded the chief of whom he was concerned withal, to entertain me, which they did with much willingness. I was so like a Sea-man in this short time, that none could distinguish me from one that received his first rocking in a Ship. I carried about me as deep an hoguo of Tarpawlin as the best of them, and there was no term of art belonging to any part of the Ship or tackling, but what I understood. I could drink water that stunk (as if stercus humanum had been steept two or three days in it) as well as any of them, and eat beef and porke (that stirred as if it had received a second life, and was crawling out of the platter to seek out the rest of his Members) I say, I could devour it with as much greediness (scorning that my appetite should be ever again taxed with any of those Epithetes, either nice or squeamish) as if it had been but nine hours, instead of nine Months, in salt. And to make me the more compleat, I had forgot to wash either hands or face, or what the use of a comb or shirt was; neither did I know how to undress my self; or if wet to the skin, to make use of any other means than my natural heat to dry my self: I never lookt on a hat or band, but as Prodigies. But to return to my purpose, where I left off. In three days time we set sail for Swalley-Road, steering our course from them all along the coast of India, Decan, and Malabar. I knew not whither they intended, neither did I care now, as thinking my self safe, being amongst my friends: on the 20 of April, seven days from our weighing anchor in Swalley-Road, we came to an anchor at Delyn, a Town of the Malabars: We durst not land, the people being so treacherous and bloody; yet we suffered them to come aboard us in their small Canoos, selling us for any trifles, Coco-nuts, Jacks, Green-pepper, Indian-pease, Hens, Eggs, and the like. They brought us likewise Oranges of so pleasant a taste, the rinde vying with the juice, which shall become most grateful to the palate: We had likewise from them Plantanes, a fruit supposed by some, to be that which Eve was tempted withal; if a man gathers them green, yet will they ripen afterwards, coloured with a dainty yellow: the rinde or skin will peel off with much facility; they melt in the mouth, giving a most delicious taste and relish. These Malabars are coal-black, well limb'd, their hair long and curled; about their heads they only tye a small piece of linnen, but about their bodies nothing but a little cloth which covers their secrets. Notwithstanding their cruelty and inhumanity, we man'd out our longboat, and 15, whereof I was one, went ashore, carrying some Muskets and Swords with us, suspecting the worst: Landing, they fled from us, but not without sending good store of poysoned arrows and darts amongst us. It is no wonder that these people are so black, for they live under the scorching fire of the torrid Zone. We returned to our Ship, finding it no way safe to stay here longer; next morning hoising sail, we came to Canavar, where we met with people more civil, whereupon we landed; and receiving things from the inhabitants of considerable value, for toys and trifles we gave them in lieu, we resolved to stay here a while. The better sort of these people are call'd Nairo's, whose heads are cover'd with a low Tulipant, and their middles with a party-coloured Plad, resembling a Scotch Plad: The poorer sort have nothing but a small vail over their privities, wholly naked elsewhere; which vail or flap the women in courtesie will turn aside, and shew a man their Pudenda, by way of gratitude for any courtesie received, as if they would render satisfaction with that, which could never receive plenary satisfaction it self. They have a strange custom in their Marriages, observed among them by the highest to the lowest: who so marrieth, is not to have the first nights imbraces with his Bride, but is very well contented to bestow her Maiden-head on the Bramini, or Priests, who do not always enjoy it, being glutted with such frequent offerings, and therefore will many times sell them to strangers. Such a proffer I had once made me, and with shame I must confess, I did accept it, forgetting those sacred vows I made in Newgate, to live a more pious, strict and sober life. The Bride that night, was plac'd in one of their Fanes, as it is customary, the Priest or Bramin coming to her; but instead thereof, according to agreement between this Priestly Paynim and my self, I went: I wondred to find her so low of stature, but I did not much matter it then, minding something else; which having performed, I departed. The next morning I had a great desire to see her, but was amazed to see her so young, believing it impossible (though I knew the contrary) a child (for I may so call her, being but seven years of age) could be capable of mans reception at that tender age. Afterwards, I was informed, it was usual for them to marry so soon; first, being extreamly salacious and leacherous, and as fit, nay, as prone to enjoy man at that age, as Europæans at fourteen next, they extreamly honour Wedlock, insomuch, that if any of their children die whilst very young, they will hire some Maiden to be married to him, and so lie with him the night after his decease. So soon as we arrived (which is a custom they use to all strangers, of what Country soever) we had presented us choice of many Virgins; our Boat-swain chusing one he fancied for a small price, she guided him to a lodging, where if he would have stayed so long, she would have performed his domestick affairs, as well at board as bed, dicharging her duty very punctually: but he that undertakes any such thing, must be very wary that he be not venereally familiar with any other woman, lest that she with whom he hath contracted himself for such a time, doth recompence his inconstancy with mortal poyson. At his departure, her wages must be paid to her Parents, who returns then with much joy, and they receive her with as much credit and ostentation. The chiefest among them hold it a very great courtesie, if any one will save them the labour, pain and trouble, by accepting the Hymeneal rites of his Bride. I should have told the Reader, that the Bramins are so much respected and esteemed by the commonalty, that if any of them gets their wives or daughters with child, they believe that off-spring to be much holier than their own, being extracted from Pagan piety. Their Funerals they celebrate after this manner: Bringing the dead corpse near to their Fanes or Churches, they consume it to ashes, by fire made of sweet smelling wood, unto which they add costly perfumes in Aromatick gums and spices: If the wife only (for here they will not hear of Polygamy) cast not her self into the flames voluntarily, they look upon her to be some common prostitute, having not any thing commendable in her natural disposition; but if she freely commits her self to the flames, with her husbands carcase, she from that noble act (for so it is esteemed of among these infidels) derives to her memory, reputation and glory amongst her surviving friends and kindred. They are deluded on to this resolution by their Bramins, who perswade them by so doing, they shall enjoy variety of perpetual pleasures, in a place that is never disturbed by alteration of weather, wherein night is banisht, there being a continual spring; neither is there wanting any thing that shall ravish each individual sense. This was at first a stratagem invented by some long-headed Politician, to divert them from murdering their husbands (which they were frequently guilty of, by reason of their extream leachery and insatiate venery) so by that means they were reduc'd to that good order, as that they tendered the preservation of their husbands healths and lives equally with their own. For my part, I could wish the like custom enjoyn'd on all married English females (for the love I bear to my own Country) which I am confident would prevent the destruction of thousands of well-meaning Christians, which receive a full stop in the full carreer of their lives, either by corrupting their bodies by venemous medicaments administred by some pretended Doctors hand (it may be her Stallion) unto which he is easily perswaded, by the good opinion he hath of his wifes great care and affection for him: or else his body is poysoned by sucking or drawing in the contagious fumes which proceed from her contaminated body, occasion'd by using pluralities for her venereal satisfaction, and so dies of the new Consumption. Or Lastly, by her pettish and petulant behaviour, she wearieth him of his life, and at last is willing to die, that he may be freed, not only from the clamorous noise of her tongue, but that the derision of his neighbours, and scandal that she hath brought upon him, may not reach his ears. That all such might be mindful of their duty, I would have (were it at my disposing) these two lines fixt as a Motto to their doors.



A Couchant Cuckold, and a rampant Wife,
Are Cop'latives disjunctive all their life.

CHAP. XLIV.

 

From Delyn he sailed to Zeyloon; with what he there observed.

The Isle of Zeyloon is very famous, and not far distant from the Point of India, called Cape Comrein; it abounds with all sorts of odoriferous and Aromatical Spices; the people are Pagans, not owning a Deity: some though have heard of Christ, and others of Mahomet, but such are rarely to be found. They go naked, not compelled thereunto by want or poverty, but meer heat of the Sun. They are great Idolaters, worshipping things in monstrous shapes. On the top of a high Mountain, they have set conspicuously the Idæa of an horrible Caco-Dæmon, unto which Pilgrims from remote parts do resort; and upon this account, a King of Zeyloon coming, once derided this Idol: another time, intending to make a second repitition of his former derision, the King was even frighted out of his wits; for not onely he, but his attendants all saw how this Dæmon threatned him for so doing, by shaking a flaming Cymeter, and rowling his fiery eyes, from his mouth gaping, issued out fiery flames; whereat this King returns with as much penitence as amazement, resolving by his due respect and worship for the time to come, to make an atonement for his former errors. For my part, had I not believed there was a Devil, the sight of this horrid monstrous representation would have induc'd me into the belief that this was one really. They have in another place a Chappel, in which they adore the Devil (whom they call Deumo) the height whereof is about three yards, and uncovered: the wooden entrance is engraven with hellish shapes; within, their beloved Devil or Deumo , is enthronized on a brazen Mount: From his head issue four great horns, his eyes of an indifferent proportionable bigness, having somewhat a larger circumference than two sawcers; his nose flat; a mouth like a portcullice, beautified with four tusks, like Elephants teeth; his hands like claws, and his feet not unlike a Monkeys: beside him stand lesser Deumo's attending on this grand Pagod, some whereof are represented or pictured devouring souls. Every morning the Priest washeth them, not departing till he hath craved their malediction; and when he takes his leave, he is very careful of offending the Devil by shewing his posteriors, and therefore goes from him retrograde, stedfastly fixing his eyes on the Idol. 'Tis strange that a rational soul should be so much infatuated, as to adore such a monstrous and ridiculous thing. The people in way of mutual love and amity, use to exchange their wives; a thing, though much hated by the jealous Spaniard, yet would be very acceptable to other Europæans, or else to be rid of them altogether, who are the daily murderers of their content and quiet. Polygamy, or plurality of Wives, is here permitted; and as the men are granted the liberty to have more than one wife, so are the women allowed more than one husband. However, the woman hath the disposal left her of her children, giving them to him she hath the greatest affection for; which he receives, not questioning his interest or right (by generation) unto the infant.



Elsewhere the Fates decreed a Cuckold's lot,
To keep that child another man begot;
And by his joy therein he plainly shows,
He thanks the man that pay'd those debts he owes:
But these She-Blacks in justice thought it fit,
That he which got the child, likewise keep it:
Therefore both love and custom made it so,
On the true Father they the child bestow:
By which good Law unto each man 'tis known,
That he doth keep no other child but's own.
Were this observ'd in England, I durst swear,
Some what-d'ye-lacks would Heirs to Lords appear;
And half of what some own, must be conferr'd
On such who have a Fathers name deserv'd.
These Blacks do tax our women, for they paint
The Devil white, and make him seem a Saint;
To let them know, they are far greater evils;
For fairest females oft are foulest Devils.

We stayed not long here, but having dispatcht what we came for, we sailed along the coast of Choromandel, and landed at Meliapor . The people are much after the same complexion of those of Delyn , only a little more duskie, and go in a manner naked too. Here are likewise great store of Bramins, who are very busie and industrious to instruct these poor ignorant souls in the perfect way to damnation; for which they have the honour and estimation of all conferred upon them. We man'd out our long-boat and went ashore; upon our landing, it was our hap to be eye-witnesses of one of their Funerals, which was performed after this manner. The husband was carried before the combustible Pile; his most dearly loving wife closely following after him, attended by her Parents and children; musick (such as they have, which I cannot compare to that of the Sphears) playing before behind, & on each side of her. She was drest both neatly and sumptuously, to the height of the rudeness of their art; her head, neck, and arms (not omitting her nose, legs, and toes) each bedeckt and charged with Bracelets of silver, with jewels every where about her distributed: She carried flowers in her hands, which she disposed of to those she met. The Priest going backwards before her, shewed her a magical glass, which represented to her sight whatever might be pleasing to her sensual appetite. The Bramin all along inculcating to her thoughts, the sense-ravishing and affable joys she shall possess after her decease; at which this poor deluded soul smiled, and seemed to be much transported. We followed them till they came to the fire, which was made of sweet odoriferous wood. As soon as her dead husband was committed to the flames, she voluntarily leapt in after him, incorporating her self with the fire, and his ashes: we wondred that the standers-by would permit her thus to destroy her self, imagining this rash action proceeded from the ardency of her affection; but perceiving her friends to throw in after her, jewels and many precious things, with much exultation and expressions of joy, we concluded this to be the effects of custom. Such as refuse to burn in this manner, are immediately shaven, and are hourly in danger to be murdered by their own issue or kindred, looking upon them as strumpets: and indeed many of them are so audaciously impudent, that upon the least distaste, , 99 or not having their luxurious expectations answered, nothing more intended or indeavoured than the lives of their husbands. They are in these parts so extreamly idolatrous, and so over-swayed by the Devil, that they adore a great Idol made of Copper gilded, whose statue is carried up and down, mounted on a glorious Charriot, with eight very large wheels overlayed with gold; the ascent or steps to the charriot are very large and capacious, on which sit the Priests, attended by little young girles, who for devotion sake, prostitute themselves freely to the heat of any libidinous spectator: for so doing, they are intitled the Pagodes children: A very strange zeal in their bewitched or besotted Parents, to destinate the off-spring of their bodies, from their non-age, to such an abominable liberty; for by letting them know the use of Man so soon, it cannot but be very prejudicial to their bodies, but also invest them with the thoughts of perpetual whoring: For, that woman that shall admit of more than one to her private imbraces, will admit of any upon the like account. Nay, such is their blind zeal and superstition, that as the Charriot passeth, some will voluntarily throw themselves under the wheels, who are crusht in pieces by the weight of the Idol and its attendants, suffering death without the benefit of a happy (but to them unhappy) Martyrdom.

CHAP. XLV.

 

From Zeyloon, he arrived at Syam; and what there he saw and observed.

Syam is a Kingdom contiguous to Pegu, a part of the East-Indies: And, as the people are included within the burning Zone, therefore far from being fair; yet are tall of stature, very strong and valiant, and generally so strait, that few are found among them crooked. Formerly they were much given to Sodomy: to prevent which, 'twas wisely ordered, (though strangely) that the males as soon as born, should have a bell of gold (and in it a dry'd Adders tongue) put through the prepuce and flesh. When the desire of copulation stimulates any of them, he presents himself to some expert Midwives; who advise him to drink Opium, or some such somniferous potion; which having done in their presence, he falls asleep; during which interval, they remove the bell, and apply to the orifice from whence it was taken, an unguent, which affords a speedy cure: then is he free to make use of such as his fancy leads him to. The young Girles are served in a worse manner; for as soon as born, their Pudenda is sowed up, and only a small foramen or passage left, as an aqueduct: about eight or nine she is unstitcht; and it is as great a rarity, to finde a pure Virgin here at ten years old, as to finde a Maid at sixteen, in most places of France, or its neighbouring Countreys. And that these young leacherous Fry may be capable of that employment they are destinated unto, they have potions given them to drink, which have the efficacious power as to distend their muliebria to such a capacity, as that (if their bells were not withdrawn) their males would finde too easie an entrance. The women here (still the more to allure the men from that detestable and unnatural act of Sodomy) go naked; (as little a novelty in these parts, as for Irish and Scotch to wash their cloaths with their feet, their coats, smock and all tuckt up about their middles, though twenty men stand by as (deriding) spectators) I say, they go naked to their middles, where the better sort are covered with a fine transparent Taffata, or dainty Lawn, which by a cunning device is so made to open, that as they pass along, the least air discovers all, to all mens immodest views; making visible to the eye, that which (though most desired) cannot but be loathsome to the sight. Their Priests, which they call Tallapoi, are seeming very zealously superstitious: they somewhat incline to Mahometanism; for they pretend they will not drink wine, being forbidden it by their Law, yet are abominable hypocrites: for, though they wear a sheep-skin with the wool thereon, not suffering any hair to be on their bodies, and in shew lead a chaste life, yet I found the contrary; as you shall understand by what past between one of them and my self. I being on shore with our Ships crew, I chanc'd to walk abroad, carrying with me a bottle of Spanish-wine: As I entred into a Wood, intending not to adventure too far, there came to me one of these Tallapoi or Priests, in the habit aforesaid, with a horn about his neck, resembling a Sow-gelder's but much less; with which, I was told, they, with the sound thereof, used to convene the people to hear them preach. This holy Infidel espying me, blest himself, (as I guest by his gesture) and approaching near me, I imagined that he prayed for me, by the elevation of his eyes and hands: as a requital, I proffered him some of my wine; and having tasted thereof, lik'd it so well, that by signs, I understood he desired his horn full of me: to tell you the truth, I lik'd it so well my self, that I had no desire to part with one drop more of it; but his importunities so far prevailed, that I granted his request; which having obtained, he made no more ado, but drank it off, making but one gulp thereof; a thing contrary to the strictness of his profession. After this, he seemed to bless me, and so departed. It was but a little while, before he again presented himself to my view; and beckoning to me, I followed him: coming close up to him, he pointed with his finger to a place, where covertly I espy'd three Maidens (as I supposed) to whom he by signs perswaded me to go. Sitting down amongst them, they entertained me with as much civility as they were endued withall, and courted me after their amorous fashion. One of these was the handsomest that I have seen in those parts; though not to be compared, for form of face, with the homeliest Kitchin-stuff-wench in London. I dallied with her so long, till that lust conquer'd my fancy; attempting something, and being in a fair way to it, this Satyr-Goat-Devil, (I cannot invent a name bad enough to call him by) presently falls down upon us; and taking me thus unawares, lying on my belly, I was not able to help my self, that he had like to have performed his business; and questionless had effected it, but that the two Maidens standing by (no wayes ashamed at this most shameful sight) assisted me, pulling him off. I presently started up, and seized him; and tripping up his heels, I laid him on his back: having so done, I bound him; then taking out my knife, I could not find in my heart to spare him one inch; and that he might not have any witnesses left of what was done, I took away his testicles too. The three young Girles fled, fearing my rage and revenge might have extended to them: And fearing my self, that they would give information of what I had done, I fled too to my Ships-Comerades; and giving them account of what had happened, we all judg'd it the safest way to go aboard; and so we did, with all expedition possible.

CHAP. XLVI.

 

From hence he fails to Do-Cerne, so called by the Portugals; who Adam-like, give (or, as I may say, take too much liberty) in imposing names on all new places, and things. By the Hollanders, it is called Mauritius. Its general Description.

Do-Cerne or Mauritius, is an Isle situate within the torrid Zone, close by the Tropick of Capricorn; but it is very uncertain unto what part of the world it belongs, participating both of America, and bending towards the Asiatick Seas, from India to Java. This Isle aboundeth with what the use of man shall require. The landing looking out at Sea, is Mountainous: the circuit of this Island is about an hundred miles; it procreates an healthy and nourishing air; the great quantity of ever-flourishing and fragrant trees, doth no less lenifie the burning heat, when the Sun enters into Capricorn, as helped by the sweet mollifying breath of the North-west winde, when Sol again adheres to Cancer. Now as the temperature of that body is best composed, that participates indifferently of all the Elements, which either super-abounding or wanting, begets defect; What then is the temperature of this place, which is blest with, and in all, and abortive in none? Water is here very plentiful, drilling it self from the high rocks, and trickling down into the valleys, spreads it self into various Meanders, till those sweet and pleasant waters disembogue themselves into the lap of the salt Ocean. There is so great a quantity of wood, that we could hardly procure passage. But of those many various Trees, we found none so beneficial to us, as the Palmeto: this Tree is long, streight, and very soft, having neither leaves, boughs, nor branches, save at the top, whereon there is a soft pith, wherein consists the sole vegetative of that Tree; which cut out, the Palmeto in a very short time expires. Its taste is much like a kernel of an Hazel-nut; boyled, it is like Cabbage. But the chiefest commodity that this Tree produceth, is the wine which issueth from it, pleasant, and as nourishing as Muskadine or Alligant. Thus we procured some thereof; coming where two or three grew together, with an augure we bored some small holes in each, which immediately the liquor filled; then with a small cane or quill we suckt the wine out of one Tree; then we went to another, and from that to the third: by that time we had drained the last, the holes in the two former were full again. This course we followed so smartly, that in less than an hour, three of us were so drunk (whereof I was none of the soberest) that had not these Trees been neer the shore, for ought I know, by the morning we might have feasted the wilde beasts. Divers other trees there be, strong both in shape and nature; one whereof (meerly out of curiosity) I must needs taste, which for half an hour so bit or stung my tongue, as if I had had my mouth full of Vitriol, or spirit of Salt. It is a comely tree to look on, but brings forth not any thing that is good: this Tree is in a manner naked too, and the body thereof as soft and penetrable, as new Cheese: the form of the Tree, its uselesness, with that hidden sting it carries in it together with its softness; the lust of which, invite' me to cut these lines therein; which my knife as easily performed, as to write a mans name with a stick on the sand. The lines were these:



Th' art like a Woman, but thou want'st her breath;
Who's fair, but fruitless, and will sting to death
If tasted: would I could blast thee with my curse,
Since woman thou art like, for nothing's worse.

There is another Tree, which beareth a cod full of sharp prickles, wherein lies hid a round fruit, in form of a Doves-egg; crack it, and therein contain'd you shall finde a kernel, pleasant in taste, but poysonous in its operation. My sweet tooth long'd for a taste, and being very toothsome I did eat several; but it was not long ere my guts were all in an uproar, and were resolved in this mutiny, could they have found way, to charge my mouth with high treason, against the rest of my Members; but they were at last content only to discharge their fury through the Postern of their Microcosm; which they did so furiously, that I was much afraid, my guts having spent all their shot, they would have marcht out after. I had (in plain English) in less than six hours sixty stools, besides purging upwards; and had not we had a very skilful Dr. Chyrurgeon of our Ship, I had unavoidably perisht. Nature in this Island shew'd her prodigality of water and wood, corresponding also in every thing else a fruitful Mother labours to be excellent in. Here she seems to boast, not only in the variety of feather'd creatures, but in the rareness of that variety, which should I run over but briefly, the subject is so large, that by some I cannot but be thought too tedious. However, I shall lightly touch thereon. Here, and here only is generated the Dodo; for rareness of shape contending with the Arabian Phænix; her body is round and very fat, the least whereof, commonly weighs above twenty pound. They please the sight more than the appetite, for their flesh is of no nourishment, and very offensive to the stomach. By her visage (darting forth melancholy) she seems to be sensible of that injury Nature hath done her, in framing so great a body, and yet useless, but to please the eye; committing its guidance to complemental wings (for so I'm forc'd to call them) since they are so small and impotent, that they only serve to prove her an off-spring of the winged Tribe. Here are Bats also, as large as Gashawks. There is likewise great plenty of Fish: among the rest of most especial note, is the Cow-fish; the head thereof not unlike an Elephants, her eyes are small, her body at full growth about three yards long, and one broad, her fins exceeding little, her flesh (being an amphibious creature, living as well at Land, sometimes, as in the Sea) doth taste much like Veal. Some say that this Fish doth affect, and takes much delight in the sight of a mans visage. About this Island are flying fish, Dolphins, and Sharks. One of our men imprudently swimming one day, the weather being very hot, in our sight a Shark came and bit off his leg, and part of his thigh, and he thereupon sunk; we made out to save him, but before we came, he was drowned. Here are Tortoises so great, that they will creep with two mens burdens on their backs; but their pace is so slow, that they would make but ill Porters, going not above ten yards in two hours, when they make their greatest speed. The birds here are so unaccustomed to frights, that I have shot five or six times amongst a flock, letting the dead still lie, and not one of the surviving did so much as offer to flie. The Goats here have more of the Politician in them; for they seldom feed or rest themselves, but they set out their sentinels.

CHAP. XLVII.

 

Hence he sailed for Bantam; by the way he recounts the danger he had like to have sustained, by ascending a burning Mountain.

Weighing Anchor, we steer'd our course for Bantam; but being much straitned by the way, for want of fresh water, we were compell'd to make up to the first Land we descry'd. Though the darkness of the night blinded our eyes from such discoveries, yet flames of fire not far distant from us, gave us perfect intelligence that Land was not far off. That night we cast Anchor, fearing we might run foul of some Rock or shelf: In the morning we saw a large track of Land before us, not knowing what place it should be. Our Captain commanded the Long-boat to be man'd out, to procure water, if any good were there: amongst the rest, I went for one; for I was very greedy to observe novelties. Coming on shore, and seeing this Hill now and than belch out flames, by my perswasions I made my fellows forget for a time their duty or errand they came about, to make some inquisition into this miracle of Nature. Whereupon we all resolved unanimously to ascend the Hill, and with much difficulty we came so nigh the top, that we heard a most hideous noise proceeding from the Concave thereof: so terrible it was, that we now began to condemn our rash attempt, and stood at a convenient distance, judging it the only medium of our safety. Whilst we were thus in a delirium, not knowing what was the best to be done; the Mountain was instantly possest with an Ague-fit , and afterwards vomiting up smoak and stones into the Air (which afterwards fell down in a shower upon our heads) we thought we could not escape without a miracle: and whilst we were all striving which way, with greatest expedition, we might eschew the danger, there rose in the midst of us such an heap of earth, ashes, and fire, with such kinde of combustible matter, as that we all seem'd as so many moveable burning Beacons, and without any thoughts of helping each other, every one endeavoured to secure himself. And although I was the last in the company, yet in this expedition it was much available to me; for my companions making more haste than good speed, tumbling down the Hill before me, fell several of them together; which blocks lying in my way, obstructed my passage, and so sav'd the breaking of my neck, which otherwise would have been inevitable. In this prodigious conflict, most of us lost the hair of our heads, not without receiving several batteries upon the Out-works of our bodies. At first sight we were much afraid; but the consequence made it appear, we were not more afraid than hurt. We made a shift to crawl down the rest of the way; and having fixt our unadvised feet on the bottom of the Mountain, we resolv'd we would never again pay so dearly for our curiosity, but forthwith went in search of some Spring, that might serve as well to quench our cloaths, as our thirst. What we sought for we quickly found; and so filling our empty Cask, we made what haste we could aborad. The Captain and the rest stood amaz'd to see us look so ghastly, and were very impatient to know what was the matter with us; we told them succinctly what had happened, and what great dangers we underwent: instead of pitying us, they only laught at us for being such adventurous fools. Having thus furnished our selves with what we wanted, we set sail again for Bantum; where we safely arriv'd in a short time.

CHAP. XLVIII.

 

Going ashore to Bantam, and observing the Merchants what they did, taking up Goods upon credit (as it is usual in those parts) till the ship is ready to set sail, he by a stratagem turns Merchant too, and cheats a Bannyan, or China-Merchant.

As soon as we came into the Harbour before Bantam, we presently man'd out our Long-boat, and went ashore to acquaint the President what we were, and by what authority we came thither to Traffick, being impowered by the East-India-Company. We were received with much demonstrations of joy, and nobly feasted for three dayes together. Here note, that the house wherein the President dwelleth, is the receptacle for the whole Factory, each man according to his quality having a dwelling within this house suitable to his dignity; the Factors all in general taking their daily repast with the President. In a weeks time I learned by observation the custom of the Country, and manner or way of Trading, our Merchant taking up Goods daily, and sending them abroad without giving present satisfaction; it being sufficient that he belonged to such a Ship, and therefore must pay before he go, otherwise the King will arrest the Ship, compelling him to make restitution or payment. One time I met with a Bannyan , whom I observ'd to have a box full of precious stones: I could not sleep for thinking how I should make my self a Partner with him. At last I hammer'd out this invention: I cloath'd my self in Indian -silk, according to the custom of the Country; and having so done, I discoloured my face, and clapt a black patch upon one of my eyes. In this equipage I addrest my self to this Bannyan, who presently laid open his treasure to my view. I was not long in chusing what I esteem'd as most valuable; and demanding of him the price, we agreed he should have either so many pieces of English gold within two dayes, or else take his choice of what commodities I had aboard. We made a shift to understand each others broken expressions; and he without the least suspicion of my treachery, delivered his stones into my hands. Taking off my disguise, I went instantly aboard, and hid what I had cheated the Bannyan of (as I might easily do for the smallness of its bulk) in the Hold of our Ship, resolving not to go ashore yet awhile. The day of payment being come, and the Bannyan no where finding me on Land, came aboard of our Ship, where by signes he made known to our Captain his errand; That a Merchant belonging to his Ship had bought commodities of him, and promised to pay him on that day. Our Captain reply'd, That he verily believed he was mistaken (as knowing what commodities the Merchants belonging properly to the Ship had bought) and therefore told him he must make inquiry elsewhere for satisfaction. The Bannyan still persisted, alleadging he was not mistaken, and that he was confident if he might have a sight of all the men, he could out of them select the concern'd person. So wary I was of being discovered, that I acquainted not one soul with my project: for had I committed this secret to any, (though ever so dear a friend) it had been mine no longer; neither could I have promised to my self safety. Hereupon the Captain ordered us to be all call'd aloft: which was speedily performed. He went all round the company, viewing every man particularly, and very heedfully. At last he came to me, and there made a stand, (which had like to have made my heart start out of my breast:) he lookt upon me on this side, and on the other side; and to say truly, on every side: and having thorowly eyed me, he ran to our Captain, saying, That should be the man (pointing to me) but that he is a white man, and hath two sees (id est) two eyes. Whereupon I was strictly examined: but for all his sifting me, I would not let drop any thing of a Confession, that should convict me of guilt; but with lifting up hands and eyes to Heaven, I utterly denyed that ere I saw this man, or ever had any dealing with him. I had now forgot what promises and vows I made to Heaven, (when in Newgate , and sentenced to be hang'd at Tyburn) what a serious, pious, and honest life I would lead, if I escaped that eminent danger the concerns of this life and that to come were then in. Herein I see the old Proverb verified:



Quo semel est imbuta recens servabit odorem
Testa diu, &c.— That Cask will savour of that liquor still,
With which at first the Cask a man did fill.

Or according to that thred-bare expression so commonly used:



Naturam expellas furâ, licet usque recurret.

Though man should stop his Nature from its course, It will o'reflow again with greater force.

In short, the Bannyan, since he could not say positively I was the man, was dismist, not without a solemn vow he would be revenged of us all in general; and I clear'd of the Indictment.

CHAP. XLIX.

 

The next going ashore of the Sea-men, this Bannyan (for the injury was done him) caused a Running a Muck, that is, he instigated a great many people to kill all they met of that ship. The loss of several men thereupon: but he is out of danger, having cunningly kept himself aboard that time. He afterwards had like to have been killed by a Crease the Bannyan had hired for that purpose. His enemies being destroyed, he marrieth an Indian Punce-woman.

The next day, a great many of our men went ashore; and going into China-row, (a street so called in Bantam) to drink Punce and Tea, a great crew of Indians and Chineses (headed by this Bannyan ) fell upon them, killing whom they could, not directing their revenge upon any particular person, (which they call a Muck:) so hot and sharp was this conflict, that many were kill'd on both sides, but more wounded. This accident alarm'd the whole Town, but most especially the English there resident: but at last, with much ado, this grand uproar was calmed. It was my good fortune, that I was not then among them, otherwise I might have been made a sacrifice among the rest of my fellows. But I was forewarn'd, having been pre-inform'd that such broyls are usual upon such occasions; wherefore I kept my self out of harms way for that time.

But not long after, thinking their malice was blown over, I went ashore; and walking with others of our Boats-crew in the same Row , (where most of our men were us'd to resort, because of the Liquor that was there to be had, and a Whore to boot) a fellow came to me, with this Bannyan I cheated, and both of them with Creases , (a kinde of Dagger of about a foot and half long) would have stab'd me, had not my friends prevented them, by striking up their heels, and afterwards with their own Creases stab'd them to the heart. After this, we could walk very quietly without any disturbance, going any where without any danger.

Being very hot there, our usual pastime was to go up a little small River (joyning to the Town) four or five miles to wash our selves: the trees so covered it over like an Arbor, that the beams of the Sun could not penetrate it; by which means it was fine and cool, which very much refresht our parched bodies. I never came ashore, but I drank very immoderately of Punce, Rack, Tea, &c. which was brought up in great China-Jugs holding at least two Quarts: with every such Jug there was brought in a Dish of Sweet-meats, not of one sort, but variety, and excellent good; for which we paid a shilling English: and if you call'd for another Jug, you paid no more, unless a Dish usher'd it in.

One house especially I much frequented, for the Indian womans sake that kept it: for though she was black, or rather tawny, yet she was well-featur'd and well-form'd, having long black hair (when she unty'd the tresses) hanging down to her legs. She from the first shewed me as much kindness as could be expected from that lump of Barbarism: and I could discern her inclinations, (in the same manner as a man may from beasts, when they are prone to Generation) but yet it went against my stomach to yield to her motions. However, she continued her love to me, not letting me pay for any thing I call'd for: and when there was no necessity of being aboard, she would in a manner make me lie in her house, (which, as their houses commonly are, had but one story:) the beds they use are a kind of Quilt, hard; for were they soft, the hotness of the Climate would cause them to be very destructive to mans body, even melting his very reins. Gold and Jewels she had great quantity, with an house richly furnished after the Indian fashion. For this consideration, I perswaded my self to marry her; and with several arguments alleadged, I gained so much conquest over my self, that I could kiss her without disgorging my self: and by accustoming my self to her company, methought I began to take some delight in it. By degrees, interest so over-power'd me, that I resolv'd to marry her. Thus many (nay most) for Money, stick not to give themselves to the Devil. Having one night (lying there) seriously considered of my resolution, and liking it indifferent well, I fell asleep; but wonder'd when I awaked, to see a thing lie by me all black, as if she had had a Moruning-smock on. It seems she could hold out no longer: I pretended to flee from her; but she held me fast in her arms, using what rhetorick she could to perswade me to the contrary. I ask'd her what she meant. She told me in a little broken English she had got, that she would Money me; marry me, she meant: I, Money me, said I, that I like well; but without it, let the Devil have married her for me. I ask'd her several questions, to which she gave me satisfaction; and enjoyn'd her several things, which she greedily condescended to: whereupon I gave her the first-fruits of her desires. But ere I go farther, take something of my Ryming fancie with you.

CHAP. L.

 

He descants on his Marrying, and lying with an Indian-Black: Gives wholsome advice to others; and concludes for this time.



At the first sight, her head seem'd in a Case,
Or that a Vizard-mask had hid her face,
Or that she was some Fiend from hell had stole,
Having for lust been burnt there to a cole.
I could not tell what this foul thing should be:
A Succubus it did appear to me;
A damn'd black soul, that was by heaven sent
To make me of my blacker crimes repent.
I started from her, being much amaz'd:
The more I was afraid, the more I gaz'd.
Then she arose, and caught me in her arm;
Such soft flesh sure intended me no harm.
'Twas time to roar, since that I could not tell,
But that I was encircled (now) by Hell.
Stay, stay, (said she) I am no hellish fiend;
I'm flesh and bloud, and am thy loving friend:
If my complexion do not please thy minde,
Then close thine eyes, yet love: Thus love is blinde.
I vnderstood her tongue, and streight did swear
That I would banish this my causless fear;
And so betook my self unto the Rug
On which we lay, and after many a Tug,
I plighted faith with this kinde infidel;
But what we did, my modest tongue won't tell.
So soft and smoothe she was, my eyes being shut,
I thought I shooting was at Venus But;
I would at any time (might I but chuse)
The fairest White for this same Black refuse.
But mischief on't, let me shoot e'er so right,
It can't be said that I did hit the White.

Interest so blinded my Reason, that I went instantly to my Captain, and gave him information of my proceedings, desiring his consent in the marrying this Indian, alleadging how advantagious it would be to me. He granted my request, upon my earnest importunity; and being dismist from his service, we were married according to the Ceremonies of the Church by an English Priest, she renouncing her Paganism. What money was got by my wifes Trade, I laid out in such Commodities the Country afforded, as Callico's, Pepper, Indico, Green-Ginger, &c. and sold them immediately to the Ships lying in the Harbour, doubling what I laid out: so that in a short time I found my stock to increase beyond expectation. Such satisfaction my Black received from me, that she thought she could not do enough to please me. I was an absolute Monarch in my family; she and her servants willingly condescending to be my vassals: yet though I thus enjoy'd the prerogative of an husband, yet I did not Lord it too much; which won so much upon my wifes affections, and those that were concern'd with her, that assoon as I desired any thing, it was immediately performed, with much alacrity and expedition.

I fancy'd my life to be now as happy as the world could make it, having plenty of every thing, and not control'd by the foolish self-will of an obstinate woman, I confess it was at first a great regret to my spirit, to lie by a woman so contrary to my own complexion: but Custom made her become in process of time as lovely in my eye, as if she had been the compleatest European beauty. I now again considered how he must live, that intends to live well; and upon that consideration, concluded upon this resolution, Not to neglect my duty to Heaven, my Self, or Neighbour: for he that fails in any of these, falls short in making his life commendable. For our Selves, we need Order; for our Neighbour, Charity; and for the Deity, Reverence and Humility. These three duties are so concatenated, that he which liveth orderly, cannot but be acceptable to his Maker and the World. Nothing jars the worlds harmony more, than men that break their ranks; and nothing renders Man more contemned and hated, than he whose actions only tend to irregularity. One turbulent spirit will even dissentiate the calmest Kingdom: so did my past unruly and disordered life ruine my self, as well as many families. I once had the happiness to see a King sit in Parliament, with his Nobles about him; and since revolving in my minde the comliness of that well-order'd sight, I have thought within my self how mad he would appear, that should wildly dance out of his room. Such is man when he spurns at the Law he liveth under; and such was I, that could not be contain'd within my due limits, living like the Drone on others labours; taking no pains, but onely making a humming noise in the world, till Justice seiz'd me for a wandring, idle, and hurtful vagabond, (an ignavum pecus) and so had like to have thrust me out of the world, the Hive of industrious Bees.

Ill company at first misled me, and it is to be feared by my example others have been misled. For he that giveth himself leave to transgress, he must needs put others out of the way. Experience giveth us to understand, that he which first disorders himself, troubles all the company. Would every man keep his own life, what a concord in Musick would every family be! It shall be my own endeavour to do this, and my cordial advice to others to do the like. Doubtless he that performeth his duty to Heaven, shall finde such a peace within, that shall fit him for whatsoever falls. He shall not fear Himself, because he knoweth his course is order: he shall not fear the World, because he knoweth he hath done nothing that hath anger'd it: he shall not be afraid of Heaven; for he knoweth he shall there finde the favour of a servant, nay more, a Son, and be protected against the malice of Hell.

I know I shall be lookt on no otherwise than an Hypocrite; neither will the world believe my reformation real, since I have lived so notoriously and loosly. Let a man do well an hundred times, it may be he shall for a short time be remembred and applauded; whereas if he doth evilly but once, he shall be ever condemned, and never forgot. However, let me live well, and I care not though the world should flout my innocence, and call me dissembler: it is no matter if I suffer the worst of censorious reproaches, so that I get to Heaven at last: to the attaining of which, the best counsel I can give my self and others is, Bene vive, ordinabiliter tibi, sociabiliter Proximo, & himiliter Deo: Live well, orderly to thy self, sociably to thy Neighbour, and humbly to thy Maker.

Take this as wholesome advice, though from an ill liver, which hath been in part discovered in the foregoing Discourse; wherein I have endeavoured, by drawing up a List of my own evil actions, to frighten others from the commission of the like. For as there is no company so savagely bad, but a wise man may from it learn something to make himself better: so there is no Book so poorly furnished, out of which a man may not gather something for his benefit. Herein I have not minded so much words, as the matter; aiming at nothing more, than how I might compleatly limn Vice in her proper ugly shape: having done that, I have done what I intended, The reformation of others by my wicked example. For Vice is of such a Toady complexion, so ill shap'd and deform'd, that she cannot chuse but teach the soul to hate; so loathsome when she is seen in her own nasty dress, that we cannot look upon her but with detestation and horrour. Vice was cunning and curiously painted when I fell into her scabbed embraces; neither could I have ever known her foulness and rotteness, had I not tried whether her (seeming) fairness and soundness were real. Believe me, she is no ways that she appears to be; therefore be not deluded by her: but let my Life be to the Reader, as a friend fallen into a pit, that gives warning to another to avoid the danger. So admirably hath Providence disposed of the wayes of man, that even the sight of Vice in others, is like a Warning-arrow shot for us to take heed. Vice usually in her greatest bravery, publisheth her self foolishly, thinking thereby to procure a Train; and then it is, that the secret working of an Eternally blessed Essence makes her turn her weapons against her self, and strongly plead for her implacable adversary Vertue. We are frequently wrought to good by contraries; and foul acts keep Vertue from the charms of Vice. An ancient Poet writ well to this purpose, thus:



— Insuevit Pater optimus hoc me,
Ut fugerem exemplis vitiorum quæq; notando.
Quum me hortaretur parcè, frugaliter, atq;
Viverem uti contentus ea, quod mi ipse parasset:
Nonne vides Albi ut malè vivat filius? utq;
Barrus inops? Magnum documentum ne patriam rem
Perdere quis vellit. A turpi Meretricis amore
Quum deterreret, Sectani dissimilis sis.
   — Sic me
Formabat puerum dictis.— —Thus my best father taught
Me to flee Vice, by noting those were naught.
When he would charge me, Thrive, and sparing be,
Content with what he had prepar'd for me;
Seest not how ill young Albus lives? how low
Poor Barrus? Sure, a weighty Item how
One spent his means. And when he meant to strike
A hate to Whores, To Sectan be not like.
   —Thus me a childe
He with his precepts fashion'd.—

There is no better way to correct faults in our selves, than by observing how uncomely they appear in others. After a fit of drunkenness, my conscience would usually accuse me, and many times, after convictment, would pass so severe a sentence of condemnation on me, that my own hands have oftentimes been like to prove my Executioners. Considering within my self what should be the cause of this trouble and self-loathing, I found it proceeded from no other reason than the observation of others in the like beastly condition, and how noisome it hath rendred them to all. The first thing that made me abhor a Cholerick passion, and a sawcy pride in my self, (of which I was too guilty) was the seeing how ridiculous and contemptible they rendred those that are infested with them. Besides, those that are thorowly experienc'd in Navigation, do as well know the coasts as the Ocean; as well the sands, the shallows, and the rocks, as the secured depths in the most dangerless channel: so I think those that would arrive to as much perfection as they are capable of enjoying here, must as well know bad, that they may abtrude or shun it; as the good, that they may embrace it. And this knowledge we can neither have so cheap, nor so certain, as by seeing it in others: for under a Crown you may buy the whole experience of a mans Life, (as of mine) which cost some thousands; though me no more hundreds than what I borrowed of the world, having of mine own nothing originally. If we could pass the world without meeting Vice, then the knowledge of Vertue onely were sufficient: but it is impossible to live, and not encounter her. Vice is as a god in this world: for as she ruleth almost incontrollably, so she assumes to her self ubiquity: we cannot go any where, but that she presents her self to the eye, &c. If any be unwittingly cast thereon, let him observe, for his own more safe direction. He is happy, that makes another mans vices steps for him to climb to his eternal rest by. The wise Physician makes poyson medicinable; and even the Mud of the world, by the industrious (yet ingrateful) Hollander, is turned to an useful fuel.

If (Reader) then thou lightst here on any thing that is bad, by considering the sordid stains, either correct those faults thou hast, or shun those thou mightst have. That Mariner which hath Sea-room, can make any wind almost serve to set him forward in his wished voyage: so may a wise man take any advantage to set himself forward to the haven of Vertue. Man, assoon as created, had two great suiters for his life and soul; the one Vertue, and the other Vice: Virtue came in this manner, and thus attended; Truth ran before her naked, yet couragious; after her followed Labour, Cold, Hunger, Thirst, Care and Vigilance; these poorly arayed, as looking upon it unseemly to go finer than their Mistress, who was plainly and meanly clad, yet cleanly: yet her countenance shew'd such a self-perfection, that she might very well emblem whatsoever Omnipotencie could make most rare. Modest she was, and so lovely, that whosoever lookt on her face stedfastly, could not but insoul himself in her. After her followed Content, enricht with Jewels, and overspread with Perfumes, carrying with her all the treasure and massie riches of the world. Then came Joy, with all essential pleasures: next, Honour, with all the ancient Orders of Nobility, Scepters, Thrones, and Crowns Imperial. Lastly, Glory, whose brightness was such, (which she shook from her Sunny tresses) that it dazled the eyes of her beholders, so that they could never truly describe her. In the rear came Eternity casting a ring about them, which like a strong Inchantment made them ever the same. Vice strove not to be behind-hand with Vertue; wherefore she sets out too, and in this form: Her pre-cursor or fore-runner was Lying, a painted houswife, of a smooth, insinuating, and deluding tongue, gaudily clad all in changeable; but under her vestments she was full of scabs and loathsome ulcers. Her words seem'd exceeding pleasant, promising to all she met whatsoever could be wisht for, in the behalf of her Mistress Vice. On this hypocritical Quean Wit waited: next him, a Conceited fellow, and one that over-swayed the Fancie of man with his pretty tricks and gambals. Sloth and Luxury followed these, so full, that they were then ready to be choaked with their own fat. After these, followed some Impostors, to personate Content, Joy, and Honour, in all their wealth and Royal dignities. Close after these, Vice came her self, sumptuously apparel'd, but yet a nasty surfeited slut; her breath being so infectious, that he which kiss'd her was sure to perish. After her followed suddenly Guilt, Horrour, Shame, Loss, Want, Sorrow, Torment; and these were Charmed with Eternity's Ring, as the former. And thus they wooed fond Man, who taken with the subtil cozenages of Vice, yielded to lie with her; whereby he had his Nature so empoysoned, that his seed was all viciated and contaminated; and his corruption even to this day is still convey'd to his undone posterity. It is mans folly, onely to look on the fore-runners of Vertue, which are very poor, as Cold, Hunger, Thirst, &c. but not to consider her glorious attendants that follow after, as Content, Joy, Honour and Glory. We fancy Vice for her outside, not imagining what she is when stript of all her Gauderies.

If you then intend to enjoy for your portion a Kingdom hereafter, adhere not to the allurements of Vice: for she will soon perswade you to be an unthrift, to sell your Inheritance whilest it is but in Reversion. But hearken to Vertue's counsel; she will teach you how to husband all things well, so as to become a purchaser of no less then joys eternal.



Fortunes favours oft do fade
   To those that in her arms do sleep:
Shelter your selves in Vertue's shade;
   She crowneth those that do her reap.
For though darkned, you may say,
   When Friends fail, and Fortune frown,
Though vertue is the roughest way,
   Yet proves at night a bed of Down.

Epilogue

Thus have I given you a summary account of my Life, from my non-age to the meridian of my dayes. If there be any expressions either scurrilous or obscene, my onely defigne was to make Vice appear as she is, foul, ugly, and deformed: and I hope, he that hath sense will grow wiser by the folly that is presented him; as Drunkards are often cured by the beastliness of others that are so. The subject would not permit to be serious, neither would it have been suitable to our merry age, being generally of Tully's minde, when he said, Lectionem sine ulla delectatione negligo: He hated reading where no pleasure dwelt.

As the dry light is purest, so have I endeavoured to make my slender Wit appear terse and spruce, without the fulsomness of wanton language. If I have in any place transgrest the bounds of modesty by loose expressions, you need not fear to be offended with their unsavoury breath, for I have perfumed it: but if it should chance to stink, it is onely to drive you from my former inclination and conversation. It is probable I may be a little guilty, being not fully cured of that malady I lately laboured under. For as the breaking out of itch and blains shews the body is not clear: so foul and unrinsed expressions are the parulent exhalations of a corrupted minde stained with the unseasonedness of the flesh.

If any loose word have dropt from (the mindes best interpreter) my Pen, I would have the Reader to pass it over regardless, and not, like a Toad, onely gather up the venom of a Garden; or like a Gold-finder, make it his business to dive in stench and excrements. However, very cautious I was in offending any modest ear, (though sometimes it could hardly be avoided, the matter in a manner requiring it) because I look on obscene expressions as the Plague on paper; and he that comes but between the sheets, is in danger of being infected. I shall assure you, had I not more respected a general good, by displaying Vice in general, to put men out of conceit with it, I should not have taken so much pains, to be both blam'd and laugh'd at, but should have wrapt up in silence my shame and infamy. For in truth, this Book may bear a similitude with the Amphisbena, a Serpent headed at either end: one biteth the vicious temper of him that reads it, and the other stings him that wrote it. To conclude, I care not though my wickedness and folly be set up as a Monument to make my infamy eternal, so that the reading of my Life may be any ways instrumental for the reformation of licentious persons.

 
 
 

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