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The Floating Island by Richard Head


The Floating Island: OR, A NEW DISCOVERY, RELATING The strange Adventure
on a late VOYAGE, FROM LAMBETHANA TO VILLA FRANCA,
ALIAS RAMALLIA, To the Eastward of Terra del Templo: By
three SHIPS, Viz. The Pay-naught, The Excuse, The
Least-in-Sight, Under the Conduct of Captain Robert
Owe-much:
Describing the Nature of the Inhabitants, their Religion,
Laws and Customs.Published by Franck Careless,
one of the Discoverers.

To the Reader.

READER.

Let me beg thee not to cavil with the name of this ensuing Treatise, since the nature of it is not to reflect on any perticular person; and therefore it is expected that you will be less offended at any thing herein contained, than at the late Theatrical Entertainments, which are the severe Anatomies of these licentious Times, and the harsh characters of the follies of some Janties, who (one wou'd think) should be deterred from the Commission of them, if for no other reason than to avoyd the hard censure of this o're critical Age.

It is well observed by the Remarker of the Humours and Conversation of the Town, that all are content to be taken in pieces at a Playhouse, and to be exhibited for divertisement on the Stage. I hope these my Reflections may be accompanied with as little exception, or displeasure My intent herein was not grounded on private revenge, occasioned by any animosity to one or more persons, but following the just Laws of Writing, I have insisted on those errours and fopperies, which may convey instruction and admonition to others. I have only lasht the debauchery of a Fop-Jaunty Suburbian; it being indeed a shame the City should be made by every Cap'ring Fancy, the continual Subject of insufferable abuses.

I will step ere long into the Country, aed observe what vices are there most predominant, whether they are communicated from us to them, or have their derivation from their own sourses and Fontinels. I question whether there be among them that Innocence in affairs and pastime, which is pretended; but that under every Hedge and little Village, Vice and Vanity walk as bare faced as in Holborn, Strand, &c. But I only promise you this Description with this proviso, that you like my present Discovery. It was pen'd last long Vacation, when all I had to do, was to hide my self from the Inquisition of my cruel Creditors; for which purpose I lodg'd in Ram-alley for the benefit of ] the Temple Walks, which I call the Rum Stampers under the Blowers, and for the daily converse of such as were equally indigent and indebted as my self: In which place to divers my self and boon associates, I formed this supposed Voyage from Lambeth to the Bridge on one side, and back again the other, recounting all remarkables between the two Shores; the one whereof (on the City side) I call the Christian, on Southwark side the Turkish or Barbarian.

Towards Cape-verd (or Greens-wharfe near Chairing-cross) I have somewhat sharply censur'd the idle humors of some, but I protest none but such who deserve the severest censure: Men that are so onely in appearance, and Gentlemen by their gaudy apparel; who having little to live on but their shifts, imploy all the time they can spare from Drinking and Whoring, in racking their Wits to indulge their sensuality by any means whatever. Coming to Ramallia (which I call Villa Franca, because there is a place so named in the Indies, which is a Sanctuary to all persons whatsoever) I say coming thither under the pretence of describing the nature of the Inhabitants of that famous Kingdom, (which is now different from what it was) I give an account of the Condition of a poor Debtor, and what shifts he is forced to use to preserve his Liberty.

As for their Laws (which I have comprehended in some few cases) I hope none will cavil at, since they were never intended to be cavil'd with; and he that shall put himself under the administration of them, shall (I hope) reap loud laughter, instead of long vexation: in short, if this meets with a total dislike, very shortly I shall endeavour to please you better,


Farewell.

THE Nevv Discovery:
OR, A VOYAGE FROM Lambethana to Villa Franca, alias Ramallia.

The Term being ended, and a long Vacation ensuing, a Council was held of Indigent persons, and such who were both Indebted and Insolvent: wherein it was debated what course might be the most expedient, for the present relief, and future prevention of such insufferable mischiefs, which dayly threatned the utter ruine of the poor and distressed Society, called the Owe-much, or Bankrupt.

Then did this Council of Safety sit, when the Scrivener at Temple-Bar had no other imployment, but making of pens, writing of blank Bonds, or texting of Bills for letting of Chambers in Chancery-laue. The Vintners and Cooks were now possest with a humility more than usual; with the one you might drink, and with the other eat, without the perpetual din of an ill-tun'd jarring Bell, or the incessant hauling of a peek-wide mouth, half roasted with the scalding hot dripping of its own greasie substance.

Now had the Hostlers of Holborn, and the Strand, more than ordinary care to lay up their Guests Boots, not so much out of observance to their Masters (as they call them) as out of fear of their slipping out of Town, without their knowledg; for they well knew that a Country Attorney could no longer indure the unwholsom air of an eight peny Ordinary: and now was the time when we (as well as others) thought it fit to withdraw, or hide our selves from the horrour of a dreadful Judgment, and irremediless cruel Execution.

I Robert Owe much, by the unanimous voice of the whole Society, was elected President of this Council, in that my name did so correspond with my debts; they knowing I owed as much as the whole Company besides: the names of the Persons then present, were


Solomon Trust-all quondam Mercer.
Oliver Pride quondam Draper.
Giles Sweeting quondam Confectioner.
Luke Vander-Goose quondam Taylor.
James Standish quondam Stationer.
Tobias Bottom quondam Weaver.
William Whiting quondam Colour-man.
Timothy Mould quondam Button-seller
John Bushel quondam Meal-man.
Jonathan Sawyer quondam House-Carpenter.
Samuel Dash quondam Vintner.
Humfry Holland quondam Linnen-Draper.


Various were our consultations for the general good, without any result, till at length one James Standish, a man very fluid, and a notable Penman stood up; and having before bound up his opinion in some studied expressions, unclasping his thoughts he thus opened his meaning.

The Speech of James Standish Stationer, at a special Meeting of the Society of Owe-much.

Friends & Brethren,

The old saying, Solamen miseris Socios habuisse dolore pleads not greater antiquity, than comfort for to be miserable alone is insufferable; our affliction is so much the more extenuated, by how much others are interested therein; now therefore in civil policy it concerns us to be so much the more industrious, as we are become numerous above former Ages; and no endeavour can be so beneficial, and honourable, than the enlarging of our Territory by Discovery, and plantation in parts habitable and agreeable with our debitory disposition, where we may disperse our Colonies with more conveniency and advantage, than at this present: for which purpose it will be very requisite, that immediately two ships be fitted out, Viz. The Least in Sight, and the Excuse, and that the Paynought (that approved, and well appointed Pinnace) shall accompany them; and that the charge and command of them be committed and confirmed on Robert Owe-much, who shall man them with persons best qualified in the Art of Insolvency, the greater part whereof the said Robert hath known, and tryed to be men of much Trust, being his own Creditors, and Creatures of his own making, and that he requite some of them, by bestowing on them Employments under his Command; for Example, let his Mercer be made Master of the Least in Sight, and his Baker, Boat-Swain; as for his Vintner, because he bestowed many a shot upon him in his prosperity, let him be made Master-Gunner in adversity; and that he may make his Enemies to Smoak, let his Tobacco-man be Gunner's-Mate; let his Taylor (having the best Stomach for action) be made Steward, and have charge of the Victual for the Voyage. I think a Purser we need not, since it is held among us to be a very foolish thing to keep Accounts, where there is no purpose of Payment.

This Speech was generally approved of, nemine contradicente; and thereupon many hands were set at work for the fitting out these Ships for the Discovery.

The Winter Season being over, and the Spring advancing, we got all things in a readiness; and on Munday, being the first of March (and S David's Day) the Wind at West South-West, we Sailed from Lambethana, keeping our Course East and by North: we Sailed few Leagues, before the Weather grew hazie, at length the Air became very thick and foggy, insomuch that the Pinnace lost sight of the Admiral, and could not have recovered her, but for a Leek that was placed in her Stern, in the place of the Lanthorn, by the sent whereof the Pinnace recovered sight of her again by break of day the next morning.

The Second day the weather was very variable, and stormy; this day we met with a Western Brigantine who kept us company in peaceful manner, till by an unhappy accident, the Fleet had like to have been utterly ruined, and thus it was.

One of our Ships Crew was a Welch-man, who in honor of his Country and S. David (whose Festival was the day before) told many wonderful, and incredible things, in praise of his heroick Country-men: but more especially he averred that the Welch (the antient Brittish Stock) were never conquered by the Romans; tis true (said an unlucky Crack) but you may thank your policy for that; for when Cæsar had slain the major part of the flower of your youth, and still pursuing his Conquests; and that you saw no remedy but that the rest of you must likewise fall into his hands, ye then raised a long Bulwark, not so much to oppose, as to surprize him, for ye took a vast number of your long bearded Goats, and fastned them at a convenient distance, causing nothing to appear above the Rampire, but their heads and beards, and then retired your selves into the mountains; Cæsar about to make an assault, was hindred by the dismal cry of the poor Goats, one ecchoing to the other Baw, baw; whereupon that valiant Commander withdrew, saying, let it suffice we have slain the Youth, and let us not fall on their old doting Grandsires, who now cry to us for mercy:

This story did not create so great a laughter in us, as it did fury in the Western Brigantines, who thinking we had cry'd baw in derision to them, discharged upon us a broadside of stones, repeated so often, that had we not been excellent Sailers, we had not escaped without considerable loss.

The third and fourth day we spoon'd onward for most advantage, and met with several Fisher-men, but not an Hollander among them, it seems they have other fish to fry.

The fifth day about eight a Clock we met with a floating Hulk without a man in her; we boarded her, but for our lives we could not rummage her Hold, as we would; however we made a shift to carry off some Eels, but no other fish, though there was variety and plenty, which fresh provision was a great refreshment to our sickly Landmen. The Enemy from the Turkish shore perceiving this, made out to us, but their Oars came short of our Sails.

The next morning about ten a clock, my Pylot (which formerly had been a Spectacle-maker) descryed a Sail making towards us; coming up, we vilely suspected him by his flag to be the Water Cannibal of Troy-novant.

Whereupon I called a Council aboard, to consider what was to be done in this imminent extremity. Some advised, that it was most fit to make to Land, if any knew where to touch without hazard: Others of more undaunted Spirits, and higher resolution, advised to run the risk of an engagement, and to draw our number out of sight into the Hold, the more to encourage the Enemy to a nearer approach; which opinion was generally approved of, and allowed.

Presently I gave order for the Sublimation of every Spark aboard, and for the exhilerating their Spirits, that an extraordinary allowance be made instantly; viz. That one ounce of Tobacco be divided between every two; and as for liquors, let every man that hath them drink what he please out of his own Guarde Vines.

Looking about me, not without some fear, rais'd by the apprehensions of danger, a Taylor (who had formerly been a Creature of mine) addrest himself to me, whose Conscience being more tender than his Stomach, would needs be resolved in two points concerning his Souls health, before the fight should begin.

The first was, whether the Cause, and Quarrel they were to undertake, were justifiable or not, since that he ever held Ludgate, more worthy than Newgate, in divers respects?

And the next was, whether (in case he should miscarry in the action) Limbus Patrum & Infantum were not under his own Shop-board?

My Chaplain over-hearing the Taylors conscientious propositions (although he was formerly a Vinegar man, yet still a fellow of excellent sharp apprehension) and straining to answer these Scruples, he could not be heard for the insufferable noise of a Confectioner, and Sugar-baker, who nothing but bawled up and down (to the great disheartning of our men) Sweet meet must have sour sauce, I see; whereupon to still their clamouring I was forced to command Bushel (the Meal-man) to sow them up in two sacks, and to let them breath no otherwise, than through the holes the Rats had eaten, and so keep them Prisoners till the Fight was ended.

The Enemy approaching nearer and nearer, every one applied himself to his charge; and now just as the Master-Gunner was ready to let fly (I do not mean for fear) we perceived our supposed Assailant to be a friend, coming from the Canaries, and bound for Fox-hall; the men were all very jolly, though some of them a little Sea-sick; they need not hang out any Colours, what was in their Faces was sufficient to declare them what they were: whether they arrived safe to their intended Port I know not, and indeed it is doubtful; for all of us judged the Vessel to be over laden, of which they themselves were not insensible, for we perceived them ever and anon to cast over board.

Leaving this Canary-man, we stood away still to the Eastward, but night coming on, and our Pilot careless, it hapned that the Excuse was Stranded: whereupon the whole Fleet was forced to wait upon her till the next Tide, at the approach of which she got off, with greater fear than damage.

Having again doubled the former allowance (for the better encouraging our men) we sailed onwards, and in two Watches we discerned Firm land, lying upon the Savoyans Eastward from Lambethana.

I immediately man'd out my Long-boat and sent it ashore, who in a little time return'd, and inform'd me, that they believed it a spacious Continent, fit for Plantation at four degrees Westward from Terra del Templo.

Hereupon I resolved to take most of my men with me, and make a further Discovery; I soon found the nature of the climate, it being very temperate, & all accommodations most excellent, as long as we had Silver to barter for their Commodities, of which they had plenty of all sorts.

The Inhabitants little differ from Europeans, and are (like them) very covetous, being over greedy of Silver and Guinny Gold, for which we might purchase any thing necessary, or desireable, either on the Coast, or brought down from the Up land Countries.

The Palace is a very stately Fabrick, and hath been formerly employed for charitable uses, and still serves as an excellent Refuge, and Sanctuary for such, who are either forced by banishment, or voluntary Exile, to desert their native or long lov'd habitations, where they may live obscurely, and yet take their pleasure abroad in the Countries round about, by the means of those several convenient Avenues belonging thereunto, viz, for sporting on a brave River, the Stairs; for the Land, the Great Gate butting Norwards and seperated but by a very small Channel from Excestria. To the Eastward there is an outlet which leadeth two ways, the one on the left into the Dutchy, the other turning a little on the right, into Somersetania; by the first you have a conveyance into the Country called Maypolia, and so have the whole Country before you to make choice of; by the last a safe passage by water, or a conduct short and commodious through the Provinces of White-Hart into Hortensia (vulgarly called Covent-Garden) from whence you may travail through the whole Kingdom.

The Slavonian-women supplied us with Fish, and fruits of all sort, which they bring down in abundance from the Upland Countries; in so much that we could not fear want of Provision, so long as we had Money; nor question our Security, whilst we did put our selves under the Protection of this place, or of the Dutchy Liberty.

There have been some private assaults to infringe the ancient priviledges hereof, but the Enemy most commonly came off with considerable loss; some hardly escaping with their Ears.

Some have endeavoured to surprize the place by a Special Warrant and a Staff, under the pretence of detecting Fellons, Traytors, &c. but when it hath been discovered, that this was only a stratagem to betray a poor Debtor, into the merciless hands of his cruel Creditor, the Beacons have been instantly fired, and by only saying, an Arrest; the whole Country hath been alarm'd, and the treacherous underminers of this Countries antient Priviledges have been all shamefully put to flight:

I cannot but commend the Inhabitants for so doing, they acting herein both charitably and Christianly; although some conceited Zealots may accuse them of Heathenism, for imitating Ethnick customs in the strange elevation of a May-pole, which say they, is the same with those antient Wooden Pyramids dedicated to the honour of the Goddess Flora.

Here among the Savoyans we left, Humfrey Holland, Linnen Draper, and Luke Vander-Goose, Taylor, with several others, to Winter it, and the rest returned aboard with me; Hereupon I presently order'd our Anchors to be weighed, having before given notice, by loosing my sore-topsail, that I intended to depart speedily: here we were in a little time under a fresh Gale of Wind, Steering due East; but the wind chopt about in our teeth, which made us alter our course for Cape-verd, or Greens Wharfe, where landing we forraged it quite through on both sides.

This Country is very pleasant; the Inhabitants near the Shore, are a borish clownish sort of people, having few sparks of Civility among them; and yet but a little way from them, their Neighbours I may call them, are great Pretenders to good breeding.

Now since I have toucht in general on the Character of the Inhabitants, give me leave to discourse in particular, their Humors, Natures, and Dispositions.

My stay being not long in this place, I shall lay down my observations as brief as I can, and therefore the first thing I shall acquaint you with is, As some of them are over-affected with fashions, and fine cloaths, so they are extraordinary conceited of their own ingenuity. In the speculation of their own good parts (as well Male, as Female) every thing appertaining to them, seems far better then it is, like a Microscope multiplying any minute thing to forty times its bignes; so opinionative they are, that where ever they appear, they conceive all mens thoughts very idle, that are not busied about them: in short, they know themselves so well, that they do not know themselves at all. They are great pretenders to wit, nothing being now more a la mode, than to be accounted ingenious, if for no other reason, than that this Age hath out-done all former Ages in producing a Society of Virtuosi, and yet for all this, they look not on learning as the fewel to the fire of that wit they pretend to, and so having but a little, spend upon the main stock, and in a little time become Bankrupts.

They are hugely addicted to quibbling, and will dart out on a sudden, that which if taken, whilst warm, may be laught at; but if suffer'd to cool, worth nothing.

Some of them when they have arrived to the height of writing a Song, or Poem (I speak of the Women, as well as the Men, for in this witty Age, womens wit doth pester too the Stage) I say if their fancy sore so high, as to be guilty of a measur'd line, they never go without it, and in all Companies read it, as if they were inspired or raptured; then rail at the ignorance and foppery of some late ingenious drammatick Writers; and although they can give no reason for their Censure, yet they think it commendable enough they have done it, and thereby have added much to their own reputation.

I observed among these witty men, that nothing must stop a Jest when it is coming, nor friend nor danger, but out it must, though their bloods follow after. In short, they think their life is but to laugh, and I think to be laughed at, being Wits in Jest, and Fools in Earnest.

Another sort there are, whose whole delight consists in Whoring, Drinking, and Dancing: if any mischief escape these men, it is not their fault, for they laid as fair for it as they could. They think that day mis-spent, in which they go sober to bed; and if they have not made some new bawdy discovery that day, they can give no account on't.

There is nothing that they hate more than a serious, or a melancholly thought, and if at any time it seise them, it sends them to be drunk again, delighting in no other company but Wine, Wenches, and Chyrurgeons.

Another sort of people I observed, whose soul and its faculties consisted in rigging or dressing themselves to the best advantage; and that they might not lose either the benefit of nature or their extraordinary labour, they omit no opportunity to visit such publick or private places, where a good shape and habit is best shown: the pointing of their discourse is new studied Oaths, being as curious of them as their fashion: , 11, sig. C2] their talk is generally of Ladies, and such like pretty Toys, and do take a wonderful delight in repeating some passages in Plays, which with a grace they utter, even to self-admiration.

I wonder these people are not deafned with the continual noise of Coaches, the dead of night being not exempted from their confused rattling; since I have read that the fall of Nile (called the Cataracts) deafens with its noise the people seven miles round: these Coaches are almost as numerous as the people. But they have another way of carriage called a Sedan, which I should highly commend for its easiness, were I as Gouty and Pocky as their first Founders.

I will not detain you with more Characters, onely I will tell you how afrighted I was upon my first coming ashore, meeting with a thing in glorious habit but with a face as black as Hell; I took her to be some She-Devil had lost her infernal Sweet-heart, and thought to have found him here in some carnal disguise; had she cry'd bough as I came near her, she had undoubtedly frightned my wits from making these discoveries; but let us leave her with a soul as black within, as her face is without, shrowded by that Diabolical invention the Vizard-mask, the absolute Pimp to her secret leacherous contrivances.

Lastly you are to take notice, that this place (besides other goodly beasts of all sorts) is famous for Harts, whose horns are of the comliest branch and spreading that can be; whose dimension and extension is unfathomable, so that in memory of them, we agreed to call the lower part of this Country Harts horn Alley.

To give this place its last encomium, let me tell you, that the constitution of the Air agreeth best with such that are in a single condition: the youth here have an unlimited freedom, especially such who are known and try'd to be men of great natural parts, although they have but slender understandings: whereby some of them can afford to spend five hundred pounds per Annum, although their whole generation before them never saw so many shillings of their own: and that their strength may be throughly discovered, and their native vigour known before they are admitted as Menials for venerial Service, some Chamber-maid must take them to task, who shall make report what meer Nature hath perform'd, without the help of jellies, or any such like provocations.

Likewise before they are admitted into this lulling, yet labouring employ, Tobacco, and frequent Drunkenness is absolutely forbidden by their Mistresses, they well knowing how much the one exhausts the radical moisture, and the other weakens and debilitates the strongest constitution.

Men that are married live here very well too, provided they have obtain'd the gift of seeing, and not seeing when they please; and such who give the greatest freedom to their wives to be courted abroad, shall have at home the greater In-some. This is held as a Maxim among them, the handsomer the wife, the greater trade; and if she be a grain too light, with prudence and good management, it will add weight to her husbands concerns; And therefore an handsome woman standing at the door, will attract more Customers than a gaudy gilded sign, fetter'd with a Tun of Iron, which cost the value of a rising Scavenger's whole Estate.

But we have dwelt too long upon this subject, and in this place, and therefore it is time to give you a farther account of our Voyage.

From Cape-Verd we sailed, keeping our Course due South, and about four days after our departure, we made Land, but could not tell what part of the world it belonged unto, at length we espied floating Timber, with deal boards piled on the Bank-side, which made some of us conclude it was Norway; but that opinion was soon blown away by the sight of a monstrous tall bulky thing, which seem'd to us to wave his hat about his head, and that way induce us to come ashore; whilst from his guts proceeded a confused hideous noise, but from the sound we could not understand a word: the more we stared hereon, the more did our admiration encrease; fear made us stand at a distance, and yet we were so near that we could look into his very entrals, his belly being wide open, and could perceive a very strange motion within, whilst his arms were continually agitated circularly, we knew not what to think, but at length it was agreed on all hands, that this Country must be Denmark, and that this monstrous creature was one of the Issue of the Giant Colbron, who there stood with his arms abroad, bidding defiance to all that past that way.

Fear did so wing our flight, and the wind so largely contributed its assistance, that in a little time we found our selves not in a condition to be harm'd or prejudiced by that Gigantick Scare-crow: had we had as much valour as there was in Don-Quixot, one assault would have prov'd him a meer airy flash, and could do nothing but cry, saw, saw.

We were no sooner freed from this sight, but we encountred another, which appeared no less terrible than the former at first sight; but approaching somewhat nearer, some of our men having seen it before, knew it to be a floating Island, called the Summer Island, or Scoti Moria; it is an Island not so great, but that in less than four and twenty hours we sail'd it round; it is much longer than it is broad, but how many leagues the length may be, I cannot tell, for I took not its dimension: it lies in the midst of Golpho de Thame-Isis: The Christian-shore lying to the Norward, and the Turkish-shore to the Southward, bounded to the Eastward with Pont-Troynovant, but to the Westward thereof, you may sail up the Streights till you go as far as Maiden-head, and farther, crossing the Equinoctial-line.

In our circumferating this Floating Summer-Island, we took special notice of its ingresses, but with our strictest indagation we could find but two, one lying to the Southward, and the other to the Westward, for the more convenient reception of the Christian and Barbarian Amazons, who in the Summer time constantly repair thither, to meet with their Bully-Huffs and Hectors to generate withall.

A Council was held to consult which Port was safest to land at; the one we found guarded with Knights of the Blew-apron, with Pot-guns mounted, and charged, and their noses like Linstocks were ready to fire them; hereupon we stood off, and made to the other Port, whereupon we espied a white Apron, as a Flag of Truce, displaying it self over the belly of a delicate woman, who came thither Procreandi causâ; that colour we looked on as the Emblem of Peace, and thereupon hoisting out my Long-boat, I selected some of my principal men aboard, and went ashore, where I was received with all demonstrations of Civility and Respect.

Their Language, I and my Company understood very well; for it was the Lingua Franck which they spoke.

The greatest thing that I wondred at was, that instead of treading on the surface of their Earth, we immediately enter'd into the bowels of their Country; it somwhat startled us to think where we were going; and now I thought of Æneas his descent to Hell, and wisht we might escape but half as well.

My Myrmidons followed me close at heels, but Oh how we shook when we heard the Thunder from above, and we had lightning too before we went from thence.

I askt them the reason of this sudden thundring noise, hearing not the least without? Sir, said one, The Naides are above playing at Nine-pins, and you may make one if you please: I in modesty refused, as thinking my self unfit company for Gods and Goddesses.

Looking about me I saw a lovely face, and every thing (to outward view) thereunto corresponding, I presently imagined her one of the Cyprian Dames waiting Gentlewoman, who had given her Lady the slip, to injoy her greater liberty and freedome; upon which suggestion I accosted her, and found her pliable beyond expectation, and therefore gave her an invitation into my Tent.

I askt her divers questions, amongst the rest, whether she were an Inhabitant of this Isle? she answered no, but a Westmonasterian; the resolution of my question made me more inquisitive than before, to know what this Monasteria was, and where it lay: but according to the Custome of Lambethana, I thought it civility first to drink, before we entred further into Discourse; whereupon I called one of the baser sort of people to me, and bid him procure me some of the best Liquors of their Country, if they would take Moneta Carolina in Exchange; gladly, gladly, said this Scoti Morian, and in a trice brought me a Liquor, that differ'd not at all in taste, from what is brewed at Lambethana, and every whit as small: the Vice Roy of the Isle condescended so low, as to bring me (propria personâ) a Bottle of Red stuff; when I tasted it, methought I could have sworn it was Claret, that's flat: I bad him bring me some other Wine, which he did, but I found it was a Spaniard rack'd to death.

I soon gather'd from this pittiful pimping Vice Roy, that his whole Country could not afford one drop of strong Liquor, but what was imported to him at extraordinary rates, by Merchants of other Countries; nay, he had scarce any Water in his whole Dominion, but what flowed about it; for which cause he had concav'd his whole Isle, and turn'd it, as I may say, into a Cellar to contain what comfortable Liquors, and other things should be brought him: What Commodities he returns in exchange I know not; for I saw none, but what were wrapt up in Silken petticoats, which like a Pig in a Poke you must buy, or not at all.

Well the Inhabitants are a lazy sort of people, and not given to Tillage; and yet sometimes they will plow with another mans Heifer.

They are to be commended for Lovers of Pasture, and yet you shall not see a green spot in their whole Land, but what covers the belly of the Vice Roy's Lady, or his Billiard-Table.

In short, they are a wicked people, delighting in, and living on the sins of others; so lazy, that they will not work; their whole employment is drinking; Tobacco serves to air them after a washing, and is their only breath and breathing while.

The entertainment of the place I liked not, and therefore I resolved to hasten from thence, only I first desired to be satisfied as to the Country aforesaid, called Westmonasteria; whereupon I demanded of this Lady Errant an information herein.

Sir, said she, It lyeth to the Westward of Pallatium Regale, which place is too splendent for common eyes to behold, and too virtuous for vulgar breath to prophane.

This Westmonasteria (although the place of my nativity) I cannot describe perfectly, only I can tell you, it pleads great antiquity, and is very famous for a wonderful structure once called the Temple of Apollo, besides it is beautified with the stately structures of many Noble-Men.

The Gentry live in all manner of pleasure imaginable, but the Plebeians delight is very uncertain, being always upon the extreams, having either too much business to do, or too little.

For there are four Seasons of the Year, which are as so many Marts for the Westmonasterians; the chiefest Commodity that then is sold there, is only Words, only the Buyers and Sellers bestow their Money now and then in somewhat that is more substantial, to keep out the wind.

These Seasons are called Terms, at which times there is great resort of people coming from all parts of that great and glorious Kingdom, called formerly by the name of Druina, of which Troynovant is the Metropolis.

These people repair to a great and famous structure, called Aula Westmonasteriensis, and are distinguished by several names and titles: Their habit is as strange as their Speech, and both concur to amuze, and amaze the people.

They are very litigious, and never better pleased than in a hurly burly of cavils and dissentions: ever more delighting to fish in troubled Waters.

, 17, sig. D]

One would think that there is a great analogy between the profession of these men, and a Taylor; for they are excellent at making Suits, which some after endeavouring to mend, mar them quite: some know how to begin a Suit, but are ignorant how to finish it.

Or they may in some respect be compared to the Camelion, since no creature lives more by the air than they, for as there are a sort of people (according to report) which can sell a wind to a Sailer; so these men will not part with their breath without a reward.

Having bauld themselves out of breath, and half swelter'd to death, some of them withdraw into Hell, there to cool and refresh themselves; one would think it a very improper place for that purpose, and yet 'tis true, where such good entertainment is to be had, that this Hell hath ever had a greater estimation than its neighbouring Heaven; I have been in both, and had rather eat Barley-broath in the one, than drink Canary in the other.

She would have proceeded but that this Amazon was called away, and so we lost the benefit of a further Discovery: having paid the Customs of this Floating Summer-Island, we departed: I call it a Summer-Island, because it is never seen in this Golpho de Thamisis in the Winter; for cold frosty weather will be the ruine of it, and therefore as Swallows and Cuckoos are never seen in this Country, but in Summer, so this Island always takes its choice of the Summer season for its appearance.

And as some fishes retire into the Concaves of rocks, upon the approach of cold weather, so this Scoti Moria absconds or hides it self within some narrow gut of the Inland-Country, and crawls out again in fair and warm weather.

Not long after our departure, the Air serene and clear, and the wind at West, we descried a Sail, hereupon I ordered the Decks to be clear'd, and the Hammocks to be cut down; and having quarter'd my men most advantagiously for fight, we bore up to this supposed Man of War, and hail'd her; at first they return'd us very rough language, but in fine, they told us they were a people called Sanguinarii, and came from Holbornia, and were bound for Ursina, called by the Natives the Bear Garden, in Barbary.

Being desirous to make farther Discoveries, we agreed to bear this Ship Company to this strange Land: by the way we askt them what they intended to do with those Smithfieldian Lyons they carried with them; they told us, that it was customary for the Vice Roy of Ursina frequently to issue out his Proclamations, summoning, or inviting all strangers whatsoever to come freely into his Territories, and there participate with him in such sports, as he hath appointed for the Recreation of the People.

This report incouraged us to proceed, and having a fair wind and a fresh gale, we quickly arrived at our intended Port.

Landing, we forth with directed our course to the famous Vrsina, in our way we overtook great droves of forreign Nations, resorting to this place to act their parts with Staff and Tayl; here were the Barriers of Holbornia, and Chapel Blanck; the Sanguinaries of the Forum near Nova Janna (by some called the Whit) and of the Forum near Via Lactea, commonly called Milk-street: hither also repaired the People of Cheap Orient, as also the Smithfieldians, and Fieldlanians, with Ruffins, and Ragga-Muffins, all which, or most, are subjects unto a Slavonian King, called Brute.

We had not travel'd far, before we espied a Larg Flag to give notice to strangers, where the Games were to be celebrated; coming to the Gates of Vrsina, we could not get entrance, till we had paid the Tribute the Vice Roy was accustomed to demand.

It seems this Vice Roy hath little other revenue, than what comes in by this Tax or Tribute; and therefore, not so much for sport, as profit, he often publisheth his Proclamations to congregate the People, and so concur with him in his Bestial Entertainments.

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Before the Sport begins, the Vice Roy treats at their own charge, whosoever will come into his Cellar, where the charge and shot of five shillings is as quickly dispatcht, as the discharge of a Pistol.

The People being all placed in this Amphitheatre, as many almost, and as strange Beasts are let out promiscuously, as were formerly in the Ark. There was a great and strong beast called by the name of one of the Signs of the Zodiack, Taurus; a creature far more terrible than the Colchester Bull of old: for as he stately walkt defying all opponents with his horns, so on a sudden came an eruption of fire from his side, with a report, as if his Ribs had been converted into Carbines: Phalaris his Bull was never half so hot as this appear'd, to all the Spectators admiration; at the same time two Creatures (which borrowed their names from two Constellations, Vrsa Major, and Vrsa Minor ) to avoid the fire, ran full drive at two Cornucopians (vulgarly Staggs) who endeavouring to shun by flight the approaching danger of these ill shapen; terrible Creatures, had like to have dismounted Monsieur Simea, that little dapper Gentleman, who was carelesly acting his Buffoonries in this Amphitheatre; his Horse having more understanding than himself (and being very apprehensive of the danger) did presently rise before, and yerking out his hinder leggs to keep off the Cornucopians from goring his sides, gave poor Tom Dove such a bang on the Ribs, that he roar'd like the Lyons in the Tower: this noise alarm'd the Canes and Caniculi, (a sort of dogs whose names I cannot well remember) who came running in, and without asking what's the matter, fell in tooth and nail; Luponi seeing this, was at his wits ends, not knowing what to do, or whither to fly; but Vulpone being the craftier of the two, skulkt into a by-Corner, keeping himself out of harms way, nor could any means remove him from his resolved Station. The Vrsinians, with Bear-herds and others, did now begin to bestir themselves, being as much busied as their Beasts, and every whit in as stinking a condition: after a great Cry and little Wool, with a great noise to little purpose, the Company was dismist, and every man had permission to repair to his own Country, excepting only such as were reserved for a Prey, for the great White Lyon belonging to the King of Marshelsia; the cruelty of which Tyrant we had sufficiently heard of, which made us with greater speed to remove out of his Territories: whereupon we all went on board, not missing a man, and standing away to the Eastward, we sailed so far, till we came to a Ne plus ultra, and by the great fall and hideous noise of the Waters, we concluded we were arrived near that Gulph, which Sir Francis Drake shot, when he went to visit the Antipades: as for my part I had not finisht my business in this World, and till that was done, I had no mind to visit another.

All under my command were of the same opinion and therefore we resolved to return; and to favour our design, the Wind veerd about to South and by East; hereupon we shaped our course Norwards, without discovering any thing remarkable for a great while, only we met with by the way some Turks coming from Jetland, and bound for Cole-Harbour.

The nineteenth of June we met with several Men-Mermaids, swiming and sporting up and down: We were informed that they are Amphibii, and will live both on the land, and in the Water.

Here we only saw the Males of these Sea-wonders, but up higher in the Straits mouth, there are Female Mermaids, which take their opportunities to delight themselves in swiming, but are mighty shie, and therefore choose the night for their pastime.

Whilst I was in a serious contemplation of these Creatures, one of our men cry'd out, Land, at which we were all over joy'd: and that we might be certainly assured hereof, our Pilot (the aforesaid Spectacle-maker) drew out his Perspective, with which he confirmed our joys.

Hereupon we directed our course to this Land, and in three Watches we came to an Anchor in White Fryars Bay, and soon after landed, and were very civily received by the Inhabitants, who attended us on the shore.

We askt them the name of the Country, who told us that formerly it had been called Lupania or by some Vulpinia, but its later and truest appellation was Villa Franca, or Ramallia; but the Dutch-men call it Ramy-kins.

The grumbling of our dissatisfied guts, would not permit us to ask more questions, and indeed if we had, we should not have been heard for their croaking noise; which the Inhabitants understanding without more ceremony conducted us to their Metropolis or chiefe City, where by the Governor and his Assistants, we were very well entertain'd.

The next day we were shown the Antiquities, Curiosisities, and strength of this City.

And now give me leave to acquaint you with my Observations. Villa Franca, or Ramallia, lyeth contiguous to Terra del Templo, the Fleta lying at some distance thereof to the North-East: In the Description of this Ramallia I must look into Terra del Templo, but shall not pry into its Court, nor any the standing houses, the House-keepers lodging nor into the menial precincts of the Inns of Court, farther, than they stand for Refuge and Relief of the neighbouring Priviledges about them.

And indeed (since the general purgation by fire) the first, and chiefest of all, which for advantage of ground, for fortifications, for Water works, Posterns, Passages, Supplies, and provisions by land, or otherwise, is that so far fam'd and so fitly nam'd Ramillia: In it are several Garrisons of old Soldiers, every one of the which is able to lead a whole Army of Younger Debtors.

They call their Muster-role in the Round Church, which might more properly be called their Corps du Guard; then they draw them out into the Cloysters, and either exercise them there, or in the Garden, which is an excellent Military Spot for that purpose; but under the Blowers in the Rum Stampers (called the Kings Bench walks) they pitch their set Battles, where every evening that ground (which was lifted in, and level'd for their use) is fil'd with men of desperate or undaunted resolution.

The first work in Ramallia, is rais'd and contrived in the form of a Ram; there is no other reason I can render for it, but that Rams were of great use in the Jewish Discipline, for Batteries, as you may read in Josephus his History more at large.

This work is of reasonable strength; in former times it had a watch Tower in the similitude of a Coblers shop adjoyning; from whence all the forces about are called together, upon the least approach of the Enemy.

There is another, called the Maiden-head, and is impregnable, where the Enemy dares not come within shot, and is the nearest to the confines of Terra del Templo.

There are other pretty contrived Platforms, as Teste Royal, the Falcon, Mitre, &c. and these in the fashion and form of Cook-shops; where if a Setter or Spy chance to peep in at them (though very dark) they will make him pay for the roast, before he depart.

To this Ramallia, or Ramy-kins, belongs a very great Fleet, consisting of many Sail, well man'd, and are a great preservation to the Ramy-kins.

This place, according to the late Geographical Map, as well as the report of antient Writers, cannot possibly be so besieged, but that they within may go in and out at their pleasure, without impeachment; for at the Middle-Temple Gate, they issue in spight of the Devil; at the Inner-Temple Gate, they fear no colours in the Rain-bow; and at the Postern of the Ramy-kins, in case they cannot make over to Fetter-lane, but discover Ambuscado's, they need only draw their bodies within guard of Pike, turn faces about, and retreat through the Mitre.

Now admit they stand for Rio del Plata (commonly called Fleet street) and be so intercepted that they cannot recover the Ramy-kins, all that is required in that case, is but to mend their March; fall downward, as if they gave way, suddenly discharge their right-hand file, and fall easily into Sergeants Inn; where by antient Treaty had between this famous place, and Terra del Templo, it was agreed, That the parties in such distress might (paying a small Fee) have convoy and conveyance without the re-hazzard of any of their persons.

If at any time they had a mind to Forrage, they are no sooner out of the Middle Temple Gate, but there is a threefold way to defend them; the Bell Inn, the Bar Gate, and Shire lane. The passage through the Rum Stampers under the Blowers, is a most excellent safe way for close contriving and retriving: neither is the Gardners Wharfage (as the Tide may serve) any ways inconsiderable.

To speak the truth, the nature of Ramallia is much alter'd in few years, neither is the place so much frequented as formerly by Forreigners for Refuge, the Inhabitants slighting or being careless in the preservation of their antient Priviledges.

This place in former time was very populous, in such sort, that they were forced to send their people abroad into Forreign Plantations, of which they had, and have still some very considerable, for Example, Milford-lane, Fulwoods Rents, Baldwins-Garden, Great St. Bartholomews, the Fryers, Mountague-clese, with divers others; I shall thus run them over, as I have nam'd them.

Milford-lane was at first taken by indigent Officers and their Companies, who coming hither and liking the scituation, did there erect divers works, both to the Land and Water side, for their security.

As they came in by conquest, so they hold it by the sword, and notwithstanding their title hath been much disputed heretofore, yet they have now commuted the matter, prov'd Plantation, and have withal reduced it to a most absolute Hance and free Town of it self, without dependency.

The chiefest benefit they have for securing their persons, is by Water, for to the land there is little safety, when they are once without their works.

Fulwoods Rents I could never well approve of for a place of Refuge, it lies so on the Main Continent, and therefore requires the stricter watch, and yet with the greatest care cannot lie safe.

At the upper end of these Rents, and at the very Portall of Purpool Palace westward, was a most excellent piece of work begun, which had it not been interrupted by those that Play'd upon it from Above; questionless it had been the strongest and surest Hold that ever was raised within the Continent for this purpose.

The Back-gate into Graies-Inn lane, with the benefit of Bauldwins Gardens is of excellent use; but the passages through certain Inns on the Field-side, are not attempted without hazard, by reason of the straggling Troops of the Enemy, who lie Purdue in every Ale-house thereabouts.

The safest way of Sally, is that through the Walks, from whence the Red-Lyon in Graies-Inn-lane receives them with good quartering, and passes them through the back way into the Main Land.

Bauldwins Gardens is a Fortress of considerable strength, being much embellisht of late, and the Pavement near the Battlements is renewed, so that the Defendants may march much more commodiously to the Breast-works; the Canniballs or Tenter-hooks have made several attempts to storm this Fortress, but have commonly come off with considerable loss, and though notable Shavers have not come off so trimly, but that they were forced to make their escape through the Bog-house.

There was a famous Cittadel belonging to the Ramy-kins, but long since surprized and taken in by the Enemy, it still retains the name of Great St. Bartholomews, upon whose Platform a whole Army of Borrowers and Book-men might have been mustred and drawn out in length, or into what , 25, sig. E] form or figure it had pleased them to cast themselves.

What works, yea what variety of Art and Workmanship was within it? What an excellent half-Moon was there cast up without it, for defence to the Eastward? What excellent Sconces, in the fashion of Tobacco-shops and Ale-houses in all parts of it.

But alas these are demolisht, for the most part, the old Soldiers discharg'd, and all delivered up into the hand of the Enemy upon composition.

The frequent assaults that have been made upon St. John of Jerusalem, have rendred the place incapable of holding out longer, so that the band of Borrowers there billeted are disbanded and dismist.

The Fryers Augustine and Cruciate, Black, White and Gray, had all their Cowls pull'd or'e their heads, and were for the most part led into the City captive, where they remain to this day.

It is believed by most of the Sword-men thereunto belonging, that these places had ne'r been lost, had they not suffer'd those of the freedom to dwell among them, who increased and multiplyed after that wonderful manner, that by their general planting, they supplanted the Nobility and Gentry which upheld their Liberties, and in the end engrossed all the power of Office, Trust and Authority into their hands, and thereby did set open the Gates to let the Military men of the Mace to enter and surprize all.

The Commanders of the City were only content upon Treaty, to article and agree with those of the Black-Fryers, that notwithstanding they so entred upon Conquest, yet the old Companions, especially the English Feather-makers, the Scotch Taylors, and the French Shoo-makers, with some Forreign Forces, should enjoy their antient priviledges without molestation or interruption, or any other that will manfully fight for their antient rights and customs.

To the Northward of the Black-Friers, lies a very strong and formidable Cittadel belonging to the Enemy, standing on the brow of an Hill, which scours all the whole Country about.

This Cittadel is guarded like Marselles with Bloodhounds, who almost daily bring in a great number of Prisoners upon horses, called Duce facias's.

This place is so remarkable I cannot pass it by without a small description.

It is much like the Apples of Sodom, better for sight without than in; Its whose prospect from within, are Iron grates, where through every Transen, the forlorn Captives may take a view of the Iron Age; there is one single entrance, which like Hells Gate, lets many in, but few out, turn once the Ward—Et vestigia nulla retrorsum. The Cimmerians in their dwellings resemble these in their lodgings, only their lights are different; those receive some scatter'd beamlings by their Mountain Crannies; these by their disconsolate loopholes:

Yet from above, the Inhabitants may take a view of all those places which club'd to their restraint: and be reminded of the loss of time which brought them thither. The Governour hereof is careless whence they come, but infinitely cautious how they go away; and if they go away without his favour, they are in great danger to break their necks for their labour.

This place holds as much as the world; all its inhabitants are either good or bad; here is a good Prisoner, and he makes contemplation his refection; nothing can confine him, because he finds nothing fit to entertain him which Earth can afford him: here is a fat sensual Prisoner, who is content with any place that may belul his clowdy understanding in a careless sleep, freedom and bondage are indifferently equal to his fruitless pilgrimage; here is the lean Prisoner, who one would think had procured such a divorce from his flesh, as if he had only enter'd into covenant with his spirit; whose weak exhausted feature proceeding from the defective reversions of a trencher, merits pity, bearing the Characters , 27, sig. E2] of his tenury in the dying colours of his Physiognomy. To be out at Elbows here is to be in fashion, it being a great indecorum not to be thread-bare.

Every man shews here like so many wracks on the Sea, here the ribs of five hundred pound, here the relick of a shop well furnished, and a good portion with his Wife. The Company one with the other, is but a vying of complaints, and the causes they have to rail at fortune & fool themselves, and there is a great deal of good fellowship in this. The mirth of this place is but feigned, where over a large dose they endeavour to keep themselves from themselves, and so drown the torment of thinking what they have been. They huddle up their lives as a thing of no use, and wear it out like an old suit, the faster the better; and he that deceives the time best, best spends it.

In the next place, I should speak somwhat of Mountagues Close, but that I think it doth not properly belong to the Ramy-kins, and therefore I shall desist, and give you an account what the nature and disposition of these people are which appertain to Ramallia, or the Ramy-kins, with the Territories thereunto belonging, as also what those people are that fight against them.

The manners and dispositions of the Ramallians, with their Religion, Laws, and Customs.

They are a wandring sort of people who, like the Tartars, never abide long in a place, but remove often, carrying all that they have about them.

They are very fearful and cautelous, and dangerous to be dealt withall; and you cannot affrom them worse, than to bring any Mace by way of barter, for they hate it worse than a Jew Swines flesh.

You may know them from any other people by these marks following.

If any of them have occasion to walk into the Imperial City, to be sure at the lanes end he looks behind him, and after he hath turned out of sight he mends his pace in an extraordinary degree of footmanship, till he hath gain'd some ground of the followers; and then he makes another stand, to take notice whether any of them have arrived thither with more than ordinary speed, or precipitate himself at the coming about at the Lanes end, which he knows to be the certain sign of the Enemies besetting him.

He loves variety of apparel, and hates (if he have it) to be known long in a Suit; ask him the question, and he will give you an account of all the Taverns with back-doors, especially such which lead to the water side; and envies the encrease of the Moon more then the decrease of his Fortunes.

He is a great enemy to idleness, for he loves not to see one leaning on a Stall, or looking about him, and cannot endure whistling after Candle light.

They may be paralel'd with the Jews, who are a mixt people born in several places, yet coming from one stock, and are as much Infidels occasioned by the Infidelity of others.

They pray not in common form, but that the Commons may meet in form aforesaid; and no sin sticks so close to their Consciences, as that they ever paid any thing to their Creditors in part.

As for their Religion I can speak little of it; only this, they believe liberty to be Heaven, Money the Guardian Angel that conducts them thither: They hold there is a local Hell, which is placed in the Center of a Prison, and their Creditors the Devils which torment them; they believe there are several Purgatories, the principal whereof do lie in Woodstreet and in Grocers Alley, where Paying instead of Praying gives deliverance.

And now it is high time to relate who are the Enemies to these Ramy-kins or Ramallians, who implacably assault them upon all occasions.

Within London there are two Regiments of Macemen; the one is encamped in the Poultry, the other in Woodstreet; at both which places there are great numbers attending their Colours, where they are ever ready to sally upon the Alarm or signal given; others of them guard their Colonels person by turns; the rest are appointed and exposed as followeth.

Some of the best able and most trusty of the Cavalry (as their service requires, and especially in Term time) are planted at Teste Royal, near Chancery lane end, to make good that place, and to cut off such as issue out of the works on the other side, or come down from other parts to put themselves under the protection of Terra del Templo, and the places thereunto nearly adjacent.

Of these Chancery-lane-end men, (if the design do deserve it) some two or three of them are drawn out to defeat the passage between the Middle Temple and Bell yard, or the Bar-gate, but this is upon especial occasion, and therefore seldome attempted, but when they have intelligence of some extraordinary booty coming that way.

Others of them are quarter'd in Smithfield, where every Monday, Wednesday and Friday they stand charg'd and cockt, ready to give fire at every poor Butcher in the Graziers quarrels; and these are of their Infantry.

Others are on every Market day commanded for Leadenhall, where they serve one day under the Tanner against the Shoo-maker, another day under the Butcher against the Tanner, and sometimes the Scrivener against both.

Others are appointed to several other Markets, where rather than not be employed in service, they will bear arms against the very Butter-wives (enough to make their very hearts to melt with the very thought on't) who wont be satisfied without a greasing in the fist.

The eldest sort of them, such as hold charge rather for their advice than ability, are laid at the Exchange, where though the service be daily, and the Nations against whom they serve are a stubborn stomachful people, meeting ever at dinner and supper time, yet the danger is but small, in regard they have the Country round about to befriend them.

The only Desperveio's among them are severally appointed to the several Gates, where they secure and keep clear the passage to the Bars being the utmost extent of their works.

For stratagems of War they are most excellent; to gain a Conquest by surprize, they sometimes wear a Porters Frock, and with a pretended Letter effect their purpose.

A Lawyers or a Parsons Gown is somtimes of singular use, (latet quod non patet.)

The habit of a Country Bumpkin somtimes will not do amiss, especially if booted and with dirt debaubed; they have a thousand tricks besides, but so cunningly intricate, that I cannot describe them.

It may be expected that I should say something of the Discipline of the Bayliffs, but to say the truth, I hold them not worthy to be discoursed of, nor to be ranked with men of the Mace, and therefore, by my good will, I will have nothing to do with them at any hand.

It is time to return to Ramallia, and give you a further account of that place; I have already discourst the nature of the Climate and the people, with a geographical description of that Country and the Plantations thereunto belonging, not omitting their strength within themselves, and the form of their Adversaries without; the next thing I shall treat of is the several Schools of Learning contained herein, as also an account of their Laws and Customs.

As there are several Schools, so there are several Arts and Sciences studied.

Some moody Souls there are here, who will drink till they are Maudling drunk, and then weep their Liquor out as fast as they drink it, these men are said to study Hydromancy.

He that walks up and down a room smoaking whilst the rest of the Company is sitting, is stiled a Peripatetick.

He that prattles perpetually, interlining every sentence with a causless misbecomming laughter, is a Naturalist.

He that in his Cups falls into theological disputes, or builds Castles in the Air, studieth Metaphysicks.

He that cannot drink a little extraordinary, but presently vomits to ease himself and offend the Company, is a young Practitioner in Physick.

He that boasts of his Travels, and impudently professeth to have been in places he never saw but in a Map, is called a Cosmographer.

He that hath attained to the Art of Wheedling, and can by a word or two wind himself into credit among strangers (for he that knows him will not trust him for a farthing) this man is stiled a Rhetorician.

He that by the overflowing of his Cups perpetually sings tunes a la mode, and so saves his reckoning, is one of the Quire, or a Musitian.

He that can so insinuate or wriggle himself into the affection of some wealthy Maid, Wife, or Widdow, as to have his necessities supplyed from time to time by a liberal and generous contribution, is a perfect Logician, having gotten Piscator in Romum by heart.

He that by specious pretences and subtle perswasions hath gotten largely into a Vintners score, and for some special kindnesses hath borrowed so much money of his wife to cancel the debt, without the least mistrust of an overflowing familiarity, is a Merchant Adventurer, and a singular good Accountant.

He that falls down on his back with a Pipe of Tobacco in his Mouth, fast asleep, is a proficient in Astronomy.

Lastly, He that reels in the streets, as if they were too narrow to contein him, is a Geometrician.

Their Military School.

There is one very famous Military School which is held in great estimation, in that it brings the Students to a great proficiency in a very little time, and thus the Students therein concern'd are rankt according to their Qualifications.

He that flings a bottle down stairs, to no other intent than to double the Files, and inflame himself as well as the reckoning, is stiled Marshal of the Field.

He that found out that crafty knack of calling for a Gill of Canary, and thereby meant a Pint, and so an half Pint a Quart, by which the intemperance of a compacted jovial Crew was muffled up from the knowledg of their serious Relations, I say this man they call Master of the Ordnance.

He that runs all the Town over having no other business than to find out so much Liquor as will send him drunk to bed, is called Scout-Master-General.

He that drinks three Glasses in a hand, is Master-Gunner. He that in a hot dispute of headstrong resolute Bacchanalians gets first drunk in the Society, is made Captain of a foot company, and he that is last drunk is Lieutenant.

He that is quarrelsome in his Liquor, and upon the least occasion delivers his box about, is Marshal of the Regiment.

He that will not fight upon just occasion given, but turns his revenge upon the Innocent Drawer, is a Drum Major, but he that draws upon every body is a Serjeant.

He whose indigency makes a meer hanger on, and being a Low-Country Soldier, is made Gentleman of the Pikes.

He that makes two Pence serve for his expence in company, though the stay be very long, is Lanspresado, or Powder-Mnkey.

He that will not let any small trifling thing escape his hands, but instantly secures them, as Knives, Handkerchiefs, Gloves, &c. is termed a Suttler.

, 19, sig. F]

He that will drink eight and forty hours without sleep, or if he should chance to catch a nap, he lyeth rough, this man is called an old Soldier.

Their Court of Admiralty or Navy-Office.

He that bears briskly up in the turbulent waves of an Ocean of Liquor, is Master or Pilot of a Ship.

He that spills his Liquor on the table, and then leans and lolls his elbows in it, is Swabber.

He that will never let the glass stand still; but when it lies at his Neighbours door, out of a covetous principle, steals it from him, is a Dutch Caper, or Pirate.

He that is suddenly taken with the hickup, is Gunners-Mate; He that is perpetually smoaking, Cook; and he that belcheth or breaketh wind backwards, is Trumpeter.

In what manner the Inhabitants hold their Lands.

We have already shown you what kind of Philosophy and Soldiery is profest and practised in Ramallia; we shall describe next, how the Inhabitants hold their Lands.

Imprimis, He that by impertinent foolish discourse or apish gesture makes himself a laughing stock to the whole Company, is Tenant in Fee-simple.

He that watcheth all opportunities to kiss his Landlady, her Daughter, or her Maid, so that he stick to one only, is Tenant in Tail special.

He that kisseth all that come nigh him without distinction of persons, is Tenant in Tail general.

He that is half Seas over (i. e. three quarters drunk) yet will run madding after Mutton, without the consideration of its being sound or rotten, is Tenant in Tail, after possibility of Issue extinct.

He whose head is lop heavy by too large a Grace-cup, and takes a nap, is Tenant by the Courtesie of England.

If a parcel of merry Wives frequently meet at a Tavern or elsewhere to drown'd the troublesome thoughts of having pevish aged impotent husbands, they are Tenants in Dowr.

He that hath heels much lighter than his head, holds in Soccage; and he that hath an head much lighter than his heels, holds in Capite.

He that drinks with his hat off, Tenders in homage; if on the knee besides, doth his fealty.

He whose Wife will not suffer him to be drunk, unless she may be drunk with him, either in the same company or elsewhere, is a Free-holder

He that sneakingly capitulates about the reckoning, till some franck generous soul hath discharged it, is a poor Copy-holder.

Lastly, That mean spirited thing which suffers it self to be drag'd home by his Wife from the Alehouse, with railing reproachful speeches, is Tenant at will, and deserves to be kicked over his own Threshold.

I might enlarge my self upon this subject: let this suffice for any rational man to guess at the rest. I shall in the next place tell you what are the qualifications of their principal Officers.

The Principal Officers of Ramallia, and their Qualifications.

As Arts and Sciences are not attained unto, but with great labour and study, so high Titles are not commonly obtained without singular worth: but in this sensual drunken Country the worst of men have the best preferment; for he that drinks much and talks little, is a Judge.

He that will not drink an health by any means, and yet will make an hard shift but will go to bed intoxicated, is a Justice of Peace.

He that continually clacks with his Tongue, so that no other talk can be heard, is a Barrester.

He that forcibly puts his friend or acquaintance into the Tavern or Alehouse, is a Counter Serjeant.

He that being proud of his parts, and very opinionative, , 35, sig. F2] will engross all the discourse to himself, is Fore-man of the Jury.

He that bawls and wrangles in his liquor, is Cryer of the Court.

He that drinks in hugger mugger, is a Bencher.

He that is lost in his own argument, is a Mooter.

He that scorns to baulk his Liquor, is a hopeful young Student.

He that takes the tale out of another mans mouth, is a Publick Notary.

He that talks he knows not what, a Sollicitor.

He that is tediously long in telling his own stories, is a Register; and he that is ever kind and complemental in his Liquor, is a Civilian.

Be pleased to take notice, That he who calls his Landlady Whore, puts in his Declaration; he that is melancholy or sottishly drunk, is said to demur upon the Plantiff; he that payeth the whole reckoning suffering none else to pay a farthing, Pronounceth Judgment; he that fumbleth in his pocket till the reckoning be paid, is quit by Proclamation, and he that gives his Landlord a bill Obligatory, under hand and Seal to stop his mouth for the present, is saved by his Clergy.

Special Cases in the Law of Ramallia, as they have been argued privately, between Mr. Simon Spend-all, Son to Sir Ferdinando Sackbut; and Philip Philpot, Son and Heir to Giles Spiggot.

The first Case.

If a Debtor at any time be frighted by a Capias, or any other Writ, and he fly for safety, it shal be free for him to enter forceably into the next Tenement adjacent, without trespassing, especially if the Door or Window be checquered with blew or red, and all because when the Landlord demanded Quo Jure, or by what right this Entrance was made, it was answered Libertate probanda; in this Case the Landlord shall by a Dedimus potestatem, give him entertainment if the Defendant please usque diem clausit extremum, after the expiration of which time the Defendant paying the Fees of the House, shall remove himself by virtue of a Habeas Corpus where he list, but in default of payment, the Landlord may stop him by a Writ, called a Ne Exeat Regnum, provided the Defendants heels prevent not the Attachment.

The second Case.

If three Gentlemen, boon Associats and true Topers, purchase twenty bottles of Canary to themselves and the remainder over in Fee to their servants; if these men grow intoxicated (Anglice drunk) before their Masters without issue, the remainder reverts (i.e. returns) as Escheat to the Donor, and the surviving Purchaser (his fellows being defunct to all outward appearance) goes away with the whole, which he may alienate to the next commer in, or to whom he pleaseth, non obstante the Statute of Alienation.

The third Case.

If there be two Brethren, the one whereof (the elder) is seized of a Noble in Credit, and shall be made dead drunk, the younger Brother may enter as the next Heir upon the Noble in Demesne, and presently convey it over in Fee to the Landlord; but unless he please, the Noble shall not descend, because the Elder brother dyed not seized.

A fourth Case, very remarkable.

In case of Linnen, it hath been adjudged, that if three good fellows and constant Companions have but one shirt between them, and that these three (seeing none of their other shifts will do them any good) jointly consent this shirt shall be sold, it shall be lawful for them to expose it to sale, vended and condemned for the common good of three, and that forthwith the money be spent in the cherishing that blood that retired from the extream parts, being chil'd with the fright of parting with so dear and near a friend.

A fifth Case.

If any Student having a mind to follow his book close call to a Servitor to bring him a book, and he bring him a Decimo sexto for a Duodecimo; an octavo for a quarto, or a vicessimo quarto for a pot folio; although the Student turn it over for instruction sake, yet if his choler be moved by a dislike of the volumn, he may lawfully knock it about the Servitors ears, and may beat learning into his pate till he break the cover of the book, or his coxcomb, and afterwards justifie it by a Decree made by the Masters of Brazen Nose.

A sixth Case.

If three poor Scholars happen to visit a School in the Suburbs, and having viewed the Library therein, where are books of the old English character, and having studied a while, are called to an account for their learning, and thence arise a hot dispute, insomuch that the Library keeper is soundly beaten for his pains, they may by force of Common-Law depart in the heat of that dispute, scot-free, and shot-free.

A seventh Case, no less admired for its antiquity as for its obscurity.

After that old seignior John had heard of the unkind dealing of Edmund towards Marmaduke, when that Nicholas came to intreat Roger to go to Nathaniel to certifie William that Jeffery was at variance with Anthony, notwithstanding that Joseph was arrested by Henry at the suit of Ralph, he comes unto Robert to certifie Randolph, that Ambrose would be revenged of Leonard for the love he bore to Silvester, whereupon Jaspar had like to have slain Theophilus, which when Edward espied, he made it appear both to Luke and to Francis, that Rowland was the cause of this falling out, and all was because Samuels bald Nag was put into Martins stable in the dead of the night, by Thomas, Andrew and Ahsolon, and that they would not deliver him out to Hugh unless James and Giles became bound unto Christopher, whereupon Philemon drew his knife at Oliver the Hostler, and had like to have slain him, had not Peter and John held his hands whilst Gabriel and Isaac ran for Matthew and Thomas the two Constables of the Town, but before they could return, oln Father Adam, by the help of Philip, had so far pacified the parties as to come to a good agreement, or else compremise. Quere, who is in fault?

The eighth Case.

It so hapned, that whilst Jenkins was on the Ladder thatching of an house, a Sow that was bent on Mischief, ran her head through the rounds of the Ladder, nor could this be avoided, notwithstanding he was admonisht of the danger approaching, by Alexander his faithful servant; Lewis observing this unlucky accident, cry'd out Murder, the noise whereof awakened Jeremy out of a drunken sleep, who instantly laid hold on Edgar, swearing bitterly if Charles did not immediately run and fetch Endimion, Walter should hold up his hand at the Bar; this so inraged George, that Andrew with a quarter staff did let drive at Josua in such sort, that had not Richard interposed, Hubert had undoubtedly been knockt on the head; Valentine was all this while eating hasty pudding for his breakfast, the sight whereof so sharpned Benjamin's revenge, that snatching the pudding out of his hands, eating up the one half, he threw the rest scalding hot in the face of Tobias; hereupon Moses and Jacob rubbing their eyes did very much condemn the sauciness of Simon; at this up starts Ezechiel and Gregory, protesting they could no longer indure the leud and insolent carriage of Phineas, which caused Fredrick to acknowledg, that Nehemiah was in the right; how can that be, said Ferdinando, since it is well known to Zachary, that Simon, Humphrey and Daniel were all concerned in the conspiracy of the aforesaid malitious Sow, in the taking away the life of the poor Thatcher.

A ninth and last Case.

Whilst Martha was frying Tripe for Dorothies dinner, in came Susan and assaulted Barbarah a young widdow, Jane hereupon took the frying-pan and threw it about the house, and it so hapned that a broad piece of Tripe fell so exactly all over Judiths face, that Ann could not see the way out of door to call in Jone to the assistance of Frances, who by this time had her face so plaister'd with boyling hot Custard, by the cruel dealing of Lucy and Elizabeth, that it was verily believed by Alice and Mary, that Priscilla the Virgin would go near to miscarry upon it; hereupon Sarah was much troubled that the patience of Grizel should exceed that of Elenors in suffering Esther to knock down Cassandra with a Churmstick into the dripping-pan, Beatrice seeing this, did with violence thrust Sisly up to the arm-pits in a pan of hot codlings, in the mean time Deborah and Thomasin had pull'd off each others head-gear, and had so claw'd one the others face that they could not see how to put an end to the present difference. Quere, what must be done in both these Cases?


FINIS.

 
 
 

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