Dog Day by
I used to like dogsa puppy love that I got bravely over, since
once upon a time, when a Dutch bottier, in the city of
Charleston, S. C., put an end to my poor Sue,the prettiest and
most devoted female bull terrier specimen of the canine race you ever
did see, I guess. My Sue got into the wrong pew, one morning;
the crout-eating cordwainer and she had a disputehe, the
bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver, andI was dogless! I
don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and every man weak
enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the luxury
handsomelyto the city authorities. Some people have a great weakness
for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex of
highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly
polished collarfollowing them through crowded thorough-fares. Some
young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing
lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to
the disgust of the lookers-onwith all the fondness and blind
infatuation of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you
see any quantity of white and black loafersPhiladelphia, for
instance, you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says
poverty and oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters
read dogs. Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable
country, had occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake,
for hours at a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any
body the powder that would blow him upbut has felt a desire to
advocate the dog-law, so judiciously practised in all well-regulated
cities? Who that ever had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and
nip out a patch of your trowsers, boot top and calfthe size of an
oyster, but has felt for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal
enmity to the whole canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon
your Russia-ducks and patent leathersjust as he had come out of a
mud-puddle, but has nearly forfeited his title to Christianity, by
cursing aloud in his grieflike a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a
The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are
a nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the Spirit, and his thousand
and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary;
and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got
a tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.
While putting up, t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I
heard a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting
gent from the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good
dog, not particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English
terrier or Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an
advertisement in the Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did,
requesting the fancy to bring along the right sort of dog to the
Irving House, room number .
The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on
Saturday. There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the
Spirit having been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over
Sunday, the dog men were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant
of room number had scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a
man and a dog.
Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog? quoth he with the animal.
Yes, was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way,
it must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of
What kind of a dog do you call that? he added.
A greyhound, full blooded, sir.
Full blooded? says the country sportsman. Well, he don't look as
though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister,
if he was full belliedlooks as hollow as a flute!
This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first
looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or
disgust, says he:
That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir.
Well, what do you ask for him?
What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?
I guess you're a fool any way, says the dog man: you don't know a
hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!
and the man and dog disappeared.
The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before
the servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their
specimens along, and were invited to step in.
Ah! that's a dog! ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his
eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt.
That is a dog, sir, was the emphatic response of the dog
How much do you ask for that dog? quoth the sportsman.
Well, says the trader, patting his dog, I thought of getting
about fifty-five dollars for him, but I
Stop, interrupted the country sportsman, that's enoughhe won't
suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs. The man and dog left
growling, and the next man and dog were brought up.
Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on
it; why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been
scalded, hain't it? says the rural sportsman, examining the critter.
Scalded? echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the
speaker, why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?
No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he
looks like a singed possum?
Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise
for a dog, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?
Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened
it to get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently killed for
Keyser, rushed in with a pair of the
ugliest-lookingsavagesnub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, the fancy
might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush
at the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he shied off, pretty
Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be
afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Baltyday's de dogs, mister,
vot you read of!
Ain't they rather fierce? asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the
Fierce? Better believe dey areshow 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to
see 'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?
No, I guess not, timidly responded the sportsman; they are not
exactly what I want, he continued.
What, says Jakey, don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go
for to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down
here, for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my
duds and lam ye out o' yer boots!
Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent
propositions were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening
the door and ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see
the new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensuedboth of Jakey's pups
lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his
own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave
them. Of course a dog fight is the cue for a man fight, and in
the wag of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel
dog had a dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing a la the fancy,
when the sorrel dog manwho, like his dog, was got up on a liberal
scale of strength and proportionswalked right into Jakey's
calculations, and whirled him in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand
of the rural sportsman's room! Our sporting friend viewed the various
combatants more in bodily fear than otherwise, and was making a break
for the door, to clear himself, when, to his horror and amazement, he
found the entry beset by sundry men and boys, and any quantity of
dogsdogs of every hue, size, and description. At that moment the
chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their equally used-up master, came a
rushing down stairsanother fight ensued on the stairs between Jakey's
dogs and some others, and then a stampede of dogsmixing up of
dogstangling of ropes and strapscursing and hurraing, and such a
time generally, as is far better imagined than described. The boarders
hearing such a wild outcryto say nothing of the yelps of dogs, came
out of their various rooms, and retired as quickly, to escape the stray
and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing, yelping, and pitching all
over the house! By judicious marshalling of the servantsbroom-sticks,
rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their various proprietors were
ejected, and order once more restored; the country sportsman seized his
valise, paid his bills and vamosed the ranche, and ever after it was
incorporated in the rules of the Irving, that gentlemen are strictly
prohibited from dealing in dogs while putting up in that house.