If it ain't
right, I'll make
it all right in
the Morning! by
A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man put up at Beltzhoover's
Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very
sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and
smoking his Tras, Byrons, and Cassadoras, until the landlord
began to surmise the bill getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot
it up and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, who, casting his
eye over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered
thatwhich in no wise alarmed him, howeverhe was in for a matter of
a cool C!
Ah! yes, I see; well, I presume it's all right, all correct,
sir, no doubt about it, says Don Cæsar.
No doubt at all, sir, says the polite clerk,we seldom present a
bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the
bills are unusually large, sir
Large, sir? Large, my dear fellowsays the Donbless your soul,
you don't call that large? Why, sir, aathat is, when I was
in Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends
of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you
suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?
I can't possibly say, sirmust have counted up very heavy,
sir, I think, responds the clerk.
Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were heavy, my dear
fellowfive and eight hundred dollars a week! says the Don,
with a nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of
O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and
entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir, the clerk
You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see, and
here the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced
at the bill; ah, yes, I see, $102.51aasomethingall right, I
presume; if it ain't right, we'll make it all right in the morning.
Very good, sir; that will answer, sir, says the clerk, about to
bow himself out of the room.
One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is
really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with mehe is aa
gentleman who imports aa great deal of wine; he aapronounces your
Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night,
here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and
'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article,
and aa I wish them to have aa good opinion of your house.
Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right, says the clerk.
Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!
says the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished.
Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill? asks the
host of the clerk, as they met at the office.
Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the
morning, sir, replies the clerk.
Very well, says the anxious host; see that he does it.
That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsara servant carried
up the cardCaptain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith,
U. S. N., next calledwalk up. Dr. Brown calledwalk up. Col.
Green, his cardwalk up; and so on, until some six or eight
distinguished persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private parlor; and
pretty soon the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping,
glasses were clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and
cigars, and Don Cæsar was putting his friends through in the most
Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a
salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green
and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the last session, what
their friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and
what Bill Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French
Minister's daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant
Smith in regard to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered
to do and say for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the
corks popped, and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the
laugh jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars
filled the room.
Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was
uncorked, he assured the servantsAll right; if it ain't all right,
we'll make it all right in the morning!
And so Don Cæsar and his bon vivant friends went it, until
some two dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and
the whole entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and
rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing
outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely request
that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.
What's that? says the Don; speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my
ears, and can't hear whispers.
Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir, replies the
servant, in a sharp key.
Well, what the deuce of Tompkinshicwhat does hehicdoes he
want? Tellhictell him it'shicall right, or we'll make it all
righthicin the morning.
Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping
up to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself and friends were a little
too merry, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins
It's allhicright, mi boy, allhicright; these
gentlemenhicare all gentlemen, myhicpersonal
friendshicand it's all righthicall perfectlyhicright, or
we'll make it all right in the morning.
That we do not question, sir, says the clerk, but there are many
persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for
the credit of the house.
Ohiccertainly, certainly, mi boy; I'llhicI'll speak to the
gentlemen, says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very
solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep;
Gentlemenhicgentle_men, I'm requested to
statehicthathica very serious piece of
intelligencehichas met my ear. This gentle_manhicsays
somebody's dead in the nexthicroom.
Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir, says the clerk.
Beghicyour pardon, sirhicit's all right; if it ain't all
right, I'll make ithicall right in the morning! Gentlemen,
let'shicus all adjourn; let's change the seehicscene, call a
coachhicsomebody, let's take a ridehicand return and go
Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar arose on his
pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all
around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got
largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to
the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a
midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land
cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as the coach drove
All righthicmi boy, if it ain't, we'll make it all right in
Yes, that we will, says the landlord, and if I don't stick you
into a bill of costs 'in the morning,' rot me. You'll have a
nice time, he continued, out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got
his wallet in the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got
back, and I'd lose my bill!
Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise in the morning, and so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet,
deposited for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don;
and lo! and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a
few samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:All
right, if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!