Moses, the Sassy
by Artemus Ward
THE DISGUISED DUKE.
My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the parler of the
bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly young lady,
whose hair is cuvered ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers. She
had just sot down to the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called
"Smells of the Notion," in which she tells how with pensiv thought, she
wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in its horizon, and its
gorjus light pores in a golden meller flud through the winders, and
makes the young lady twice as beautiful nor what she was before, which
is onnecessary. She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque,
with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting.
Also, considerable guaze. Her dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes
is red morocker, with gold spangles onto them. Presently she jumps up
with a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow, she exclaims,
"Methinks I see a voice!"
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a red shirt and
black trowis, which last air turned up over his boots; his hat, which
is a plug, being cockt onto one side of his classiual hed. In sooth, he
was a heroic lookin person, with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest
days near projuced a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly for
a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo,
and stated as follers:
"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? No, I reckon not! That frame! them
store close! those nose! Yes, it is me own, me only Moses!"
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was a
WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH?
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers had just bin
having an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on the day I intorjuce
Moses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full of trofees, to wit: 4
scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears (which he chawed off), and several
half and quarter sections of noses. When the fair Elizy recovered from
her delight at meetin Moses, she said:—"How hast the battle gonest?
"We chawed 'em up—that's what we did!" said the bold Moses.
"I thank the gods!" said the fair Elizy. "Thou did'st excellent well.
And Moses," she continued, layin her hed confidinly again his weskit,
"dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth?"
"No!" said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. "You don't say so!"
"Indeed do I! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me the tother
"Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses.
"I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did!" replied Elizy. "He said:
'Moses is a Disguised Juke.'"
"You mean Duke," said Moses.
"Dost not the actors all call it Juke?" said she. That settled the
"I hev thought of this thing afore," said Moses abstractedly. "If it is
so, then thus it must be! 2 B or not 2 B! Which? Sow, sow! But enuff. O
life! life!—you're too many for me!" He tore out some of his pretty
yeller hair, stampt on the floor several times, and was gone.
THE PIRUT FOILED.
Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seen narrated in the
last chapter took place. A noble ship, the Sary Jane, is a-sailin from
France to Ameriky via the Wabash Canal. The pirut ship is in hot
pursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a man of much principle,
and intends to kill all the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the
walleables. The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of givin in, when a
fine lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes
forored and obsarves:
"Old man! go down stairs! Retire to the starbud bulk-hed! I'll take
charge of this Bote!"
"Owdashus cuss!" yelled the capting, "away with thee or I shall do mur-
"Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond-hilted-fish-
knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired shortly, his last words
bein, "We are governed too much."
"People!" sed the stranger, "I'm the Juke de Moses!"
"Old hoss!" sed a passenger, "methinks thou art blowin!" whareupon the
Juke cut orf his hed also.
"Oh that I should live to see myself a ded body!" screamed the
unfortnit man. "But don't print any verses about my deth in the
newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye!"
"People!" sed the Juke, "I alone can save you from yon bloody pirut!
Ho! a peck of oats!" The oats was brought, and the Juke, boldly mountin
the jibpoop, throwed them onto the towpath. The pirut rapidly
approached, chucklin with fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his
ill-gotten gains. But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent
on comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain the
piruts swore and throwed stones and bottles at the hoss—he wouldn't
budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the full jump, was
fast leavin the pirut ship!
"Onct agin do I escape deth!" said the Juke between his clencht teeth,
still on the jibpoop.
THE WANDERER'S RETURN.
The Juke was the Sassy! Yes, it was!
He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin, which gave
birth to a Bunker Hill!! He had some trouble in getting hisself
acknowledged as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones
were fernest him, he finely conkered. Elizy knowed him right off, as
one of his ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights
with opposition firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived to a
green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. Their children, of
which they have numerous, often go up onto the Common and see the
This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein perfeck,
but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10 they can
either make Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah, or as joyus as the
flower garding, my objeck will have bin accomplished, and more too.